[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

[livingsymbol]

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.


i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

Comments

ii. u can add ultimates to your warnings now

[inebriety]

Tony stands next to Steve and while there's no bottle in his hand, there's still the unmistakeable smell of alcohol. He likes Steve, but sometimes the man was a little too much and he needed to step back. Their last conversation had been difficult, but Tony had decided to move on. Spending time remembering what it was like to not be utterly miserable had put things into perspective once he'd readjusted back to the status quo.

"You're upset."

Steve wasn't the only one and the obvious reason would be because of his other self. He couldn't imagine anyone mourning his absence and while there's envy, he doesn't resent the other man for having friends. He tries something different because his usual approach didn't work with Thor after Asgard fell and it hadn't worked with Loki earlier.

"Talking helps. Not necessarily with me, I imagine it'd be harder because of the whole-- you know, but someone."

lol ult tony warnings

[livingsymbol]

Steve frowns when the smell of alcohol hits him. It's something he just can't get used to, the heavy cloud of liquor in the air around Tony. The two still around seem to constantly carry that, but this one more than the other. Steve knows why, he remembers what Tony said, but his gut reaction is still to clench his jaw and brace himself.

He turns to Tony, abandoning his boats when Tony calls him out on being upset. Steve's expression is thin, tight with denial and strain, but when he speaks the response is quiet and even. His voice comes distantly from somewhere else.

"Talking helps with what? I'm doing fine. But thanks for worrying about me."

it's a blanket warning for terrible

[inebriety]

Tony turns to stare at him directly, questioning who exactly he's trying to fool here. "So you're not upset someone you claim a close friend has been sent back to return to his coma?"

He scoffs and plucks a sheet from Steve's hands. The sketches don't interest him, but he starts to carefully fold another boat from it. "I know I'm not as resilient as you all, but I'd be devastated if I was in your position."

Privately, he doesn't miss the way the other Tony would watch him like he was seeing all his nightmares come true. He climbed this far from rock bottom and didn't appreciate the implication that he hasn't moved at all.

tony needs happy things

[livingsymbol]

The way Steve scowls in response to Tony's evenly delivered question is an honest display of his feelings he can't hide. He tries to. Steve doesn't really want to make a show of his pain, but Tony is right and Steve has never really been that great at hiding when he's rubbed raw. He is unhappy; just as wounded as any of them, and he hates not having answers for the problems they all inevitably face.

He does let Tony have one of the sheets of paper. Maybe it's more because he doesn't want to see his drawing torn than allowing the man to have it, but he isn't sorry to see him start to fold it into a boat. At least he doesn't make some snide comment about Steve's sentimental art. The blond remains sullen, though, looking at his fleet with a mixture of resentment and longing.

"Is that what you want me to say? That I'm devastated? I don't think that would help anyone."

but does he deserve them

[inebriety]

"It would help you." Tony finishes the last fold on the boat and holds it out for Steve to take. "And it wouldn't help us, but it wouldn't hinder us either."

He doesn't think Steve's problem is like his Steve's where anything that deviates from the macho alpha male image was an intolerable weakness. Instead he thinks it's more like how he views it, that there was only so much that could be done because they couldn't afford to admit to it. The trick was convincing him otherwise.

"Nothing to lose, right?" He smiles half-heartedly and it's nothing like the almost sleazy smirk he always has. Even this poor attempt at sympathising takes far too much from him.

of course he does! I mean after you die once you've earned it right?

[livingsymbol]

Tony is right when he says it would probably help Steve to talk about his feelings, but Steve looks back at the man blankly, taking the paper boat Tony made from one of his sketches with quiet confusion. He can't fix his situation or force it to change for him, and this isn't a war or a battle where there's something to be gained on principle by fighting the inevitable or going out in a blaze of glory. It's a sad loss of a friend who had other things to return to. He must seem off, though, if Tony is telling him he needs to talk to someone.

Steve thinks that he just looks tired. He kneels down and uses his brush to wax the bottom of Tony's paper boat and gently sets it into the water alongside the rest of his fleet. He smiles quietly, seeing how it fits there.

"I don't want to worry anyone," he says. "We all have concerns about going home and dealing with being here. But we'll work it out. We always do."

[ ii ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki watches the trail of fleets drift further away. Steve was in a fey mood, talking to someone who was not there or talking to a part of his heart that was missing. It was not grief, but it was a certain kind of sadness. Loki mostly felt deeply unqualified, out of his area. His words were always too sharp, too blunt. They're meant to wound and uncover, not soothe and tend the garden. He lacked Frigga's sophisticated touch or Thor's overwhelming sincerity.

What did he really have to offer, truly?

If you do not try, Steve could disappear too ]

I shall keep a careful eye out for aerial enemies who seek to disarm paper boats.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve tenses at the sound of a voice. It's not Loki that does it, but the fact he's not alone with his thoughts. He's acting childish, playing pointless games when there is work to do, and he hates being seen at it.

He straightens up, burying his expression under a mask of passive acceptance as he watches his boats drift away. ]

They'll be fine, I'm sure. There's always something, but they're prepared for it.

[dothelokimotion]

You were not.

[ His reply is a low murmur as Loki steps closer. He noticed the tension and tries not to take it as a reprimand. ]

There is always something, but you cannot always be prepared.

[livingsymbol]

[ There's ice in Steve's eyes when Loki says he wasn't prepared. His jaw sets and he remains still, solid, against the wave of feelings that hits him with. He looks away rather than directing that feeling toward Loki, staring back at his boats, bits of paper and nothing that will dissolve soon enough. ]

It doesn't matter. I wasn't prepared to wake up here. Or to wake up decades after a war I fought in was already over.

I don't expect much.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki falls silent briefly, his eyes trailing over the ships. All I ever wanted was to be your equal. Wanting is natural. It should be considered as such. Even when Loki's own wants and desires led him astray and twisted his nature inside out, he cannot dismiss that one truth. That it is normal to want. To have ambitions, desires. To believe in . . . more.

There are moments Loki regrets. He knows his very nature damns him. But wanting? He recognizes but no longer sees as a flaw. ]

You should. Because it matters. Even if it is never acknowledged, even if no one can see, it matters A feeling has every right to existence as much as anything else there is. We live as ships drifting out into the open. Why be that way if we do not expect more?

[ Loki moves behind him, curling a hand over Steve's chest. He wanted to hear Steve's heartbeat, wanted to calm his own fear. ]

Do not deny yourself in front of me.

[livingsymbol]

[ It takes Steve a moment to realize that the hand laid against his chest, the comforting gesture, actually stings. It hurts, the kindness he grants him, and Steve is surprised because kindness isn't supposed to hurt. All the villains and monsters he's faced have tried their best over the years to hurt him, driving in every weapon they had to get to his heart, but more often than not they only hit the shield. Loki speaks up even though Steve hasn't said he's hurting, he speaks past the front and says the words that Steve, deep in the empty nights, wakes up and thinks about and wonders over, but sometimes doesn't believe.

It's worth it. If only he could always believe that and never doubt or lose faith. But he is human and that assertion, even if Steve knows part of it is also just for Loki, so he can reassure himself, means a lot. He reaches up to place his hand over Loki's, breaths coming heavier than he would like. ]

I should have been the one to pull us together.

i

[anotheroldsoldier]

Bucky has some tools scattered across the floor, a few pieces of wood here and there. He's finishing up the bed frame, which is a lot nicer than an Ikea sort of deal. It also takes more finangling, though. He likes having the project. It's distracting. Missing Tony is a quiet ache in his chest; it had been sudden, Tony's departure, but Bucky figures he needed to go back. He isn't dead, there's no use in mourning, he's just... somewhere else.

And he wanted Ava to have his room. It's fitting.

"We could knock out some brick and get a bigger window. I've never set a window but they have videos on the internet about everything."

[krasnaya_vdova]

Ava doesn't have much to move, just her bag of things, her whole life, always ready to run. Moving in like this is scary for her, but she doesn't point that out. She's never had a real place of her own, and allowing herself to admit this isn't another temporary thing is.. new. And if she's honest, she still feels a little strange about it, like she's somehow intruding into someone else's space. Of course, logically, she guesses it would be silly to leave Tony his room, as if he's going to come back. She wishes he would, though. Even if she didn't know him long, she liked him. He was nice and clever and he made her smile.

She thinks that part of Steve's investment in helping getting her moved in, aside from just being nice, is as a distraction, but she likes him too much to point it out. But, the small table, the desk, the things that Steve thinks of that she would never have asked for herself make her feel a little out of her depth. She hums in quiet amusement as they talk about putting in a bigger window as she's putting her rather small selection of clothes into drawers.

"I didn't know you were an artist," she comments as she pauses, watching Steve with the pencil. Then she turns to James with a hint of amusement. "I'm guessing he was your friend who draws?" A casual reference to when she'd first met him, when she was brand new and all raw edges.

[livingsymbol]

The moving project is helping Steve as much as it is getting Ava settled in with them. He's also putting more into getting Ava a place because he's felt personally detached and lonely, and he's trying to compensate for that by being actively involved with Ava and Bucky. It's admittedly a little awkward with Steve throwing himself into the reworking of the room. He's trying to give her the comfort and acceptance he worries they don't get enough of, and trying to work through the feelings of loss.

So far, it's actually working. He grins at Bucky, who can undoubtedly tell that Steve is already working out how to knock out part of the wall for the larger window, his blue eyes lighting up with excitement.

"We could always put up a ledge. Maybe a window seat."

In answer to Ava's comment, Steve gives a modest shrug.

"Well, I wouldn't say artist... I draw a little now and then."

[anotheroldsoldier]

Maybe it's a little awkward, but Bucky thinks Steve needs this, and he hopes Ava can see it too. They're making an effort to include her, to make her feel at home, that's gotta count for something. The room would just sit empty anyway, and honestly, that would be more depressing for the two men, passing by it every morning and knowing who used to live there. This will make the apartment feel homier again for all of them.

He shoots her a little grin when Steve says he 'draws a little now and then'. "Yeah, Steve's my artist friend. Those are his sketches up on the walls, in the hallway and the living room." All over the apartment, really, in tasteful black frames, personalizing the space. "Steve's gettin' ideas. Do you want a window seat? Might be nice for drawing, it's got a good view of the city."

[krasnaya_vdova]

She can tell that he's trying to make her comfortable, feel accepted here, and that matters. It's also just nice, the fact that they want her here, and they want her to know it. She's so used to having to fight to be in peoples' lives, but this is nice. Being accepted somewhere, feeling like maybe she can actually have a place that feels like home?

She gives Steve a bit of a look when he says he draws a little, because she can pick up on the way he's underselling himself, and James is only too-quick to point out what a lie that is, making Ava laugh softly. "I draw a little too. Drew his charming face first time I met him," she muses idly, her tone a little teasing as she looks over at James.

"That actually might be nice-- I mean, if it's not too much trouble." She would never have asked for any of that, but since Steve had suggested it, she wont say it doesn't sound appealing. A place where she can sit and draw, watch the sunset.

[livingsymbol]

Having something to work on helps, but being able to work with the two of them to settle Ava in really helps. It's that team effort, the feeling of community and belonging that Steve has missed. Even without Avengers Mansion, he has always held a soft spot for the idea of the team as a whole and getting to be part of a team, even just the unofficial team of three that they make up as they work on redecorating, is the kind of connection that gives him a sense of hope.

The teasing is also very familiar. Steve smirks, still facing the wall, as Ava and Bucky join forces to comment on his drawings. He remains quiet, standing by his statement that he's not really an artist, not like more professional ones. Sure, he's done some drawings for people, but not in that full time way he'd considered at one point so long ago.

"It's not too much trouble. I think a window seat is a good idea," he agrees, firmly keeping the attention on Ava and her room. "We'll get Bucky to build you one. He's handy, apparently."

He smiles over at them.

"If you want, we can put some of your drawings up. Make the room more homey."

( ii )

[mannerism]

[ peggy has seen him this way before.

correction, she'd seen her steve in this mindset at least twice. there was the rainy morning in azzano, there was sergeant barnes' supposed death. she doesn't this one as well but at the same time, he's achingly familiar. even if she wanted to, it would have been difficult to stay away, not to offer her advice and a breadcrumb of comfort. ]

do things usually fall from the sky at your time?

[ she's just behind him, she'll nod when he turns around. ]

Hello Steve.

[livingsymbol]

[ He's still sad, still caught in a knot of conflicting feelings he's trying to hide from everyone else, but when he hears Peggy's voice, some of that tension loosens. It's a relief to know she's there somehow, just a little boon to unclench the tight lump in his chest and let him breathe. He even manages a small smile as he turns to greet her. ]

It's good to see you again. You'd be surprised by what things seem to fall from the sky back home. It seems like it happens too often.

[ His smile becomes slightly watery as he talks. ]

I got used to it. Seems strange to miss something like that.

[mannerism]

[ She kicks off her heels and takes a seat by his side, legs folded beneath her. the grass digs into her knees and feet bu she pays no attention to it. instead, she looks at the drawings. ]

They're good.

[ she remembers the dancing monkey, the pencil drawing of a train pulling into a stop. ]

Come now, we're all allowed to miss the little oddities of our world. I miss my colleagues, though most of them are utter pigs.

[livingsymbol]

[ Having her look at his drawings like that feels almost foreign. He still sketches from time to time, but never as seriously as he once did. He's come a long way since his art school days and having people remember he can draw is like a look into the past. If he were more sensitive he might blush, but instead he just dips his head to hide the embarrassment. ]

They're passable. I could probably use more practice. I just... don't seem to get around to it much.

[ And it isn't like he lacks the time now, but there's a guilty twinge in his heart. He should be doing more than drawing little sketches. ]

Were your coworkers that bad?

[ He might be avoiding his pain for a little, but it's a gentle redirection, mostly to get a chance to talk to her more. ]

[mannerism]

What you ought to be practicing is giving yourself credit where credit is due.

[ she observes. pointed but the edge masks a layer of affection, really. tough love seems to be the only way peggy carter operates with those she's closer to. ]

Not that bad. They were men of their time. They thought I was best for serving their coffee and ordering their lunches.

ii

[wingedman]

"Good thing you know someone who specializes in air support, then."

A crow lands next to the flotilla and cocks its head, as if counting the boats, then flaps out over the lake, circling idly. Something that large might be overkill, but Sam hasn't managed anything smaller yet. And crows are smart; it understands what Sam wants it to do, even if it doesn't really get why.

The man himself is a shadow cast over Steve, before he crouches down next to him. "You doing okay?"

[livingsymbol]

It's been a while since Steve has spoken to Sam. He's seen him around now and then, but they haven't exchanged words. He's been wondering if that is just the way of things in Quarantine. If he is destined to be out of touch with all of the strangers that resemble his old friends. So he's surprised to have Sam actually approach him at the riverside, talking in a friendly voice he hasn't heard from any of the Avengers on the moon in a while, save one. He looks up, startled by the change, and notices the crow that is apparently examining his collection of paper boats. Part of him wonders if there is method behind the bird's behavior, but he doesn't ask. His expression clouds when Sam asks if he's okay. He smiles faintly.

"Me? I'm doing fine... As well as any of us, considering we're biding our time here."

He pauses, thinking, before deciding to go forward with next response.

"Keeping busy?"