riverviewlogs | [open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

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[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.

i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

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[ Steve sighs against the kiss, shivering as Loki's lips touch his like a ghost's, there and gone with a breath. He closes his eyes, leaning against Loki with both hands laid flat against his chest, feeling the rhythm of his heart. It's a steadying sensation, knowing that Loki is there and that he came because he cares about him. It's the kind of reassurance Steve needs right now, just to hear someone else say that there's a reason to be upset; that it's okay.

And that he's there with him. Steve wraps an arm around Loki, pressing his face into his shoulder as he breathes out his frustration in a tense breath. ]

I'm tired of losing friends.

[ Loki pressed his lips so tightly he could feel his teeth hurt from the pressure. There was a heaviness in his chest that he could not fully dispel. Thankfully, Loki is nothing, if not practiced at ignoring his own flaws. Can't you let me grieve without being Loki about it?

What can Loki do, really?

But he lets Steve press himself closer as Loki kisses his forehead and wraps his arms around him in turn. A motion that is unfamiliar to him, but easy to imitate. To fake. I know. I'm sorry seems trite. He is not good at this. ]

Then be tired. And rest.

[ Steve leans his head against Loki's, temple to temple, and stays holding him for a moment with his vision closed in darkness. He just needs to ignore the world for the moment, to clear his head of the oppressive weight that crawls up on him like so many small, sharp-clawed hands that try to dig under his skin. How is it that the peace of quarantine feels more depressing now than his home, which, when he left it, was still slowly rebuilding after the devastation of battle?

You're just not made for peace.

He's not sure who the voice belongs to, but it whispers with a certainty against the inside of his skull all the same.

You're a soldier, through and through, Rogers. That's why they all go eventually. What's left to relate to when the fighting's done?

It sends an uncomfortable chill down his spine and he tightens his hold, squeezing Loki in a hug before relaxing and pulling back to open his eyes again so he can see him. ]

I'm glad you stayed. I know this place can't be forever. Who knows what will happen down the road? But, whatever happens, I don't want us to leave like that. With things left undone between us and broken. You're important to me, and I want you to know that.

[ Loki's expression cracks slightly, letting some of his fear bleed through. His fingers curl around Steve's arm, tight and unrelenting. ]

Promise me this. That you will not go without speaking to me. That you will not — [ Loki shudders, overwhelmed. ] — I know that you must go. That there are places you must be. But do not let me go until the very end.

[ Loki's reaction, holding onto Steve like he's afraid he might get left behind, makes his chest tighten. He doesn't expect it. For some reason, Steve just hasn't considered the idea that Loki would ever be left behind. He's come to assume that if thy have to part, it will be mutual. An agreement between them because of other responsibilities. And part of him naively believes that there's a chance that Loki will stay with him, although it's selfish of him to want to take Loki with him and keep his old life. He's struck by how seriously Loki asks him not to abandon him without notice.

Steve wonders how long Loki has been carrying this fear. ]

I'm not leaving. I don't have any intention of leaving you. If we go back, once they manage to fix the portal enough to send us home, then I want you to be with me. Or I'll find a way to come back- But I won't disappear. I just don't want to keep you tied down to a place you don't want to be. If you find something else, I'll support you.

[ He makes a quiet wretched sound at the back of his throat. Every time Steve mentions something better, something more hopeful, beyond all of Loki's expectations simply to have Loki and not demand anything of him in return. To just want and be happy with him. And isn't Loki the same? He does not want more from Steve. The cloying neediness, the desire to take and hoard no longer claws at his heart because Steve simply gives and believes.

He shakes, but it is not the tremor of fear. Silently, Loki moves closer to brush Steve's hair back with a tremulous smile. ]

I love you. Never — never doubt that. I love you.

I don't.

[ Steve's answer to that is simple. No matter what questions the place throws at him or what tense, sometimes difficult problems they face together, Steve has no doubt that Loki cares for him. He hasn't questioned that in a while now. Since they had started seeing each other regularly and Loki showed up in his room, worried and upset in the middle of the night, Steve has assumed that Loki's feelings for him, spoken or not, were real. Like any relationship he would have, Steve knows there are going to be complications. He can't give up on his responsibilities. He'll always need to be there if the world calls for a hero, but that doesn't mean he's abandoning this chance at happiness. He smiles softly, tired, but sure as he brushes fingers along Loki's jaw. ]

Is that what you were worried about? You thought I'd leave you behind? You're not getting rid of me that easy.

[ Loki's courage dries up, even as he does his best to put a lid on his fear because it's out in the open now, that small fluttering sentimental feeling that can be so easily crushed. He's seen it happen. Instead, he merely nods, closing his eyes as if pained. ]

I think you would. If it was necessary. If it meant reclaiming your — [ Loki cuts himself off with a shudder. ] — As I said, it's understandable. I'm not exactly anyone's first choice.

[ That cold fear is one Steve recognizes, even if he doesn't fully relate to it. He knows what it looks like, and he leans forward, placing a light kiss on the bridge of Loki's nose just between his eyes. ]

If it meant reclaiming my what? My place? My home? What makes you think you're not already part of that?

[ Steve pulls Loki forward so they are standing next to each other, with him leaning against the god's side. ]

If something happens, I'll have to go back. You're right. But that doesn't mean I'll leave you. We'll work something out together.

[ Your shield, Loki is tempted to say, your purpose. Loki could never compare, never come close. But Steve would never lie to him, so Loki tucks himself closer regardless. Trust is not something he gives easily and even now he chafes under it, but that was their agreement, their pact. Their world. ]

Am I really a part of that?

[ Steve almost answers immediately, without thinking and just blindly asserting what he knows. He has his mouth open, words half-formed, before he closes it again and looks at the troubled expression on Loki's face. When he really looks at him, with Loki pressed close, he realizes that all his words are going to fall short. Steve breathes out, a soft kind of sigh, and gives Loki a brief hug before he steps back. He turns to the lake and steps in, wading a foot or so away so he can catch one of his drifting paper boats. When he returns to the bank, he holds it out to Loki.

The paper is full of sketches. Small moments captured in rough lines and frozen. Faces in profile and figures in motion: Avengers, Defenders, even some familiar SHIELD figures. And Loki amid scattered amid them. ]

Home is something you have to make. It's not always where you expect it, but if you figure out where to look, it's waiting for you.

[ His breath stutters. Steve drew him. With a trembling finger, Loki traces the faint dark lines that follow the curve of his neck and the slope of his hair. A few drops fall from his face, smudging the lines. Again, distantly, he thinks of Thor's despair, his red rimmed gaze, I lost you.

He raises his gaze to look Steve in the eyes, not hiding his tears. ]

Is that what you were making? With me?

[ Steve looks surprised by the tears in Loki's eyes. He stares with wide eyes, reaching up to comfort him by smoothing a hand down his hair. ]

I'm not trying to pressure you... If you're worried about what might happen, you can always talk to me. I'm here to listen, you know.

[ He's almost stammering with concern, tripping over his own attempts to reassure the crying god. It's got to be some kind of terrible curse to make a god cry. Double that for a loved one. ]

I can't give you stars to prove how I feel, but if there's something you want to ask for that I can give, you can have it. How long have you been worrying like this?

[ He presses his fingers against the paper. He dislikes revealing his fears. It makes him weak, vulnerable. Loki would have buried it, but Steve voicing similar thoughts brought it too close to the surface. What was he doing? He meant to come here to support Steve. To show that he could keep Steve close, keep him happy.

Can't you do anything right?

Know your place, brother.

But Loki knew the answer to that. He can't. He never could. All he could do is continue to fumble along the lines designated for him. These are his writs in the sand and they cannot be washed away. Is this not what he swore to do? To try? Loki swallows tightly, forcing the tears down. ]

I know. I am like you, Steve. I do not like being left behind.

[ The one time Loki chose to . . . he regretted it. Sometimes, he's not sure which alternative would have been worse; the wrath of the All-Father or the Void. So he always worries. He knows, eventually, Thor will give up. Everyone else has. He opens his mouth to say I trust you but his throat catches and he . . . can't say it. Shame fills his eyes. ]

You do not need to prove it to me.

[ He brushes his fingers over Steve's cheeks fondly, full of quiet affection. ]

What you do for me is enough. I stumble, that's all.

I wouldn't leave you behind.

[ No matter what Loki says, Steve has already decided that the fear it there, and he keeps remembering a similar cold feeling of loss, one that he carried for years after and which haunted his dreams and waking thoughts alike. A little slip, a single moment in time where he was too slow and his grasp too weak. If he had just found some way, if he had been better, then he wouldn't have left a loved one with those deep scars. No matter what Bucky says, Steve can't believe his friend doesn't feel at least a little resentment for what his failure put him through.

And here is Loki, trying to convince Steve that he doesn't need his reassurance. It's the one thing that Steve can't believe. ]

I know I haven't done the best job of showing it, but I'm serious about sticking with you. Whatever happens, whatever it takes, I'll do what I need to do. You're with me. If you ask me to hand you proof, you'll have it. Not at the expense of anyone else, but anything else. Anything I can give you, I'll give gladly.

And you never have to be afraid to ask.

No. No, you would not.

[ It's an echo of Steve's words, hushed and a little surprised. Loki cannot fathom not being left behind, not being good enough. But none of those words come from a place of judging Loki. At least, not from Steve. He traces the tear lines on Steve's cheeks because he feels like Steve wants to cry but does not let it out. So Loki wipes away what is unseen. ]

Fear has been a part of me for so long. But I am not afraid with you. And neither should you be. Will you not let it out in my presence? I may not be good at holding people up but I can hold you.

I am your shield.

[ Steve wonders how much of his words Loki really believes. It's difficult to know with Loki, whose history leaves little room for trust or confidence, but Steve can only be honest and he hopes that his own belief is enough. Lately, it feels like no matter how hard he believes he'll never be able to reach those around him. Maybe not being Captain America has taken away that weight, he doesn't know. It feels like a piece of him is gone, floating away with the boats.

Maybe he left it with the nightmares.

Steve smiles softly, resting his hand on Loki's arm. The gentle affection despite Loki's fear just proves to Steve how true Loki really is, even if he doesn't realize it himself. ]

I don't deserve it.

I don't care.

[ It's point blank. Loki isn't any less stubborn than Steve, though Steve clearly is more practiced at it. But even he does not cave in easily. Fear has made him more limber, more keen on avoiding the worst but Loki is slowly stepped out of that shell. ]

What you deserve, what you feel you must punish yourself over — I do not care a whit. If that is how you feel with your friends, fine. But do not do this with me. Here, you can take. I am giving it to you.

[ It's Loki's conviction that leaves Steve staggered. He's surprised by how sure the god sounds, how confident he is compared to the doubts he voiced just minutes ago. Steve has gotten used to thinking of Loki's concerns, of being aware of them and trying in his way to compensate for those feelings. To be stronger; better. Enough to help him overcome. He's not ready for how determinedly Loki dismisses him. ]

I never asked for anything.

[ His voice is quiet even in the mild, mostly undisturbed park air. It seems silly that as a grown man Steve finds himself talking to his feet. ]

I never really asked for anything. I didn't expect it. It was never about getting anything in return. So why am I disappointed?

[ Loki's expression softens as he cups Steve's face gently. ]

Because there will always be something you want. And there will always be times when you are disappointed. There is no way to sanitize that part of you, Steve. Instead, accept it that it will happen.

But it is not all there is to you.

I didn't-

[ The sentence catches in his throat. Steve closes his eyes and tries to bite back the shame as the words stick, making it hard to swallow. He breathes in and then out, deeply, trying to shake off the heat before it burns his eyes. Before it shows, because even though Loki says it's fine, it isn't. ]

We're here. We're alive.

[ Loki kisses his eyelids softly. ]

Yes, but as I keep telling you. There is more to life. Let yourself live, even in sorrow.

[ The sound he makes isn't a word but a swallowed note of pain as Loki kisses him, letting tears break free and run down his face. It's ridiculous. He's not facing nearly the kind of pain he's faced before, but Steve cries anyway, gasping breaths in and keeping his sadness quieted to shaking shoulders and unsteady sighs. He doesn't sob or make noise, but he leans his head forward against Loki's touch. ]

I'm sorry, I-

You have nothing to apologize for.

[ Loki twines his arms around Steve, pressing their foreheads together. ]

Not with me.

[ It's a simple gesture. Steve leans forward, letting Loki guide him into pressing against the embrace. Face to face, he can feel Loki breathing in front of him, reminding him he isn't alone. And as often as Steve hears that and as much as he knows it is true, it still feels good to have someone comfort him. If he becomes a burden to everyone else, at least right now he has this. The patient words of a god that used to hate humans. He laughs quietly through his tears. ]

You're always here.

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