riverviewlogs | [open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

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[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.

i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I do not think Stark's departure is on you. Or anyone else.

[ Loki brushes his hands over Steve's face. ]

You have not failed me. Trust your heart. I will not leave you and no force will make me do so.

[ Save Steve's own. But Loki doesn't need to tell him that. ]

[ Trust your heart. Steve's breath catches a little in an attempt at speaking that fails. He wonders how many people would be surprised to hear Loki offer that sentiment. Would they consider it a lie? Steve holds that half breath before letting it out slowly. ]

I trust you. I'm just- tired of losing.

[ You're a sore loser, Captain.

Steve frowns and tries to shake off that phantom voice. ]

It's not about me. I know that. I didn't mean to scare you.

[ There is a glimmer of good humour. ]

So I am your heart now? How flattering.

[ But at Steve's words, his expression softens. ]

It is not you.

You're as much part of my heart as anyone. More than most at this point, I'd say.

[ Which, with Steve, is funny because he is used to making people around him part of his life. It's why he is so hurt when he loses them. Even friends or acquaintances mean a lot to him. It's stability in knowing them. ]

You were afraid I was going to leave you. I'd say that's on me. I- haven't done the best job of reassuring you.

[ His chest flutters at that and Loki even deigns to deepen his smile. ]

Then reassure me now.

[ Steve puts his arms over Loki's shoulders, draping them there as he moves in, close enough so that he can fill the other man's view. ]

I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to go. I'm happy just being here, and as much as I miss anything else, even if I regret some things, that doesn't mean I would ever regret us. You never have to worry about that. On my honor.

[ Loki's grin falters slightly at that, melting into a softer expression. He brushes Steve's hair back tenderly, with all the devotion he can muster. ]

I was hoping for a sweeping kiss. But that will do.

[ Instead of answering, Steve moves quickly. He pulls Loki to him, kissing him deeply as he tugs his hair back with a possessive hold, fingers wound up in dark strands. Steve claims Loki's mouth with his, teeth closing on his lip and then tongue brushing over the bite to soothe it, as if Steve is trying to steal Loki's breath right out of him. When he finally lets the kiss end, he stays close, panting against his lips. ]

You're mine.

[ It works. Loki's head spins in a daze as he tries to work his voice, his eyes cloudy but fixed on Steve. ]

Yes.

[ His reply is hoarse. ]

Yours.

[ The answer makes him smile. He kisses Loki again, tenderly, taking his time as he teases the god's lips until they are flushed. Then he nips them lightly. ]

And I'm not going anywhere without you. Believe it.

[ Loki responds with a low purr deep in his throat. ]

I believe you.

Good.

[ It's a relief to Steve as well. A pressure lifts from his chest knowing that Loki doesn't fear he'll leave him without any word. That anticipation would be too hard on both of them, and he can't put him through that. Whatever sadness still lingers in his heart for all his losses is subdued by the comfort of knowing Loki is there and that he wants to be with him. It's a sign of hope, that he can rebuild with everyone he seems to keep failing. ]

You won't be left behind. You're important to me. I'm more worried that everyone else will get tired and stop needing me. That'd be lonely.

[ His brow knits together in confusion, but to his credit, Loki listens and does not dismiss that fear out of hand. It is certainly a fear Loki keeps close as well, except he's seen it realized many years ago. No one needs him, after all. He wets his lips, searching for the words. ]

It is. Perhaps you need to find people who will come back to you.

Mm. [ Steve thinks about that, nodding, because it's a fear many others have. The fear of no longer being wanted isn't new and he knows that. It just happens more often to him when he keeps getting disconnected from his friends and dying. ]

I did. I've got you.

[ There's a slow, minute flush of pleasure at that. ]

So you have.

It just takes some getting used to. Thinking that way, I mean. I've always worried about being the one that let everyone else down. Being alone didn't seem so important when there was so much left to do.

This place is quiet. And then I wonder if there's a reason to being here. Maybe the world did move on. But maybe that's not so bad.

You have always driven yourself. Or had a mission to drive towards.

[ It is normal. He's seen it in soldiers, the restless mentality, the need to do more, to prove one's self. That's why Asgard is so full of people who don't know what to do with themselves. They all wish to be proven warriors. And have no way to do so under Odin's benign rule. ]

Perhaps you came here to find new reasons to being yourself. Which is as important as any mission.

[ Loki says it all plainly, not accusing Steve of anything or treating his restless feelings as a strange flaw. He breathes a bit easier just hearing someone else say what he already knows people generally accept. That makes him feel more normal. ]

Maybe I did. Maybe I needed to get away for a while and talk to other people. And find someone who doesn't need the shield.

[ Loki's lips curve fondly as he teases. ]

I will assume that person is me and I'll take no other answer.

[ A bit softer. ]

Maybe or not, this is what you have found. What you have. And what is irrevocably yours.

No, it's not you at all. I'm seeing another god with a brilliant mind, good looks, and a fear of his shadow.

[ He says that gently, one hand resting on Loki's arm. ]

I couldn't ask for more. People that care so much they come find me even when they have their own weight pressing on them. I'm sure I don't deserve the fuss, but I'm glad you found me.

[ His eyes crinkle at that. Loki has always been weak to praise. ]

I will find you. Always.

Always?

[ He wonders about that. Part of Steve thinks that eventually they'll all go home just like Tony had. They all have a place they need to return to. Maybe when they do, their time in Riverview's quarantine will simply fade from their memories. Life will return to normal, like it did before. If they cross back into those separate lives, maybe all of this will end like a dream. ]

I'm just glad you found me now.

[ Loki picks up the odd inflection in Steve's tone but doesn't question it for now. Instead he brushes Steve's hair back before kissing him softly. ]

[ He sighs, relaxing with the touch, letting Loki soothe away the doubts. Tomorrow is for tomorrow to worry about. Right now, he's happy enough knowing the god came out to find him. He returns the kiss, smiling into it. ]

Thank you.