riverviewlogs | [open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

Entry tags:

[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.

i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Tony stands next to Steve and while there's no bottle in his hand, there's still the unmistakeable smell of alcohol. He likes Steve, but sometimes the man was a little too much and he needed to step back. Their last conversation had been difficult, but Tony had decided to move on. Spending time remembering what it was like to not be utterly miserable had put things into perspective once he'd readjusted back to the status quo.

"You're upset."

Steve wasn't the only one and the obvious reason would be because of his other self. He couldn't imagine anyone mourning his absence and while there's envy, he doesn't resent the other man for having friends. He tries something different because his usual approach didn't work with Thor after Asgard fell and it hadn't worked with Loki earlier.

"Talking helps. Not necessarily with me, I imagine it'd be harder because of the whole-- you know, but someone."

[ Loki watches the trail of fleets drift further away. Steve was in a fey mood, talking to someone who was not there or talking to a part of his heart that was missing. It was not grief, but it was a certain kind of sadness. Loki mostly felt deeply unqualified, out of his area. His words were always too sharp, too blunt. They're meant to wound and uncover, not soothe and tend the garden. He lacked Frigga's sophisticated touch or Thor's overwhelming sincerity.

What did he really have to offer, truly?

If you do not try, Steve could disappear too ]

I shall keep a careful eye out for aerial enemies who seek to disarm paper boats.

Bucky has some tools scattered across the floor, a few pieces of wood here and there. He's finishing up the bed frame, which is a lot nicer than an Ikea sort of deal. It also takes more finangling, though. He likes having the project. It's distracting. Missing Tony is a quiet ache in his chest; it had been sudden, Tony's departure, but Bucky figures he needed to go back. He isn't dead, there's no use in mourning, he's just... somewhere else.

And he wanted Ava to have his room. It's fitting.

"We could knock out some brick and get a bigger window. I've never set a window but they have videos on the internet about everything."

[ Steve tenses at the sound of a voice. It's not Loki that does it, but the fact he's not alone with his thoughts. He's acting childish, playing pointless games when there is work to do, and he hates being seen at it.

He straightens up, burying his expression under a mask of passive acceptance as he watches his boats drift away. ]

They'll be fine, I'm sure. There's always something, but they're prepared for it.

You were not.

[ His reply is a low murmur as Loki steps closer. He noticed the tension and tries not to take it as a reprimand. ]

There is always something, but you cannot always be prepared.

[ There's ice in Steve's eyes when Loki says he wasn't prepared. His jaw sets and he remains still, solid, against the wave of feelings that hits him with. He looks away rather than directing that feeling toward Loki, staring back at his boats, bits of paper and nothing that will dissolve soon enough. ]

It doesn't matter. I wasn't prepared to wake up here. Or to wake up decades after a war I fought in was already over.

I don't expect much.

Steve frowns when the smell of alcohol hits him. It's something he just can't get used to, the heavy cloud of liquor in the air around Tony. The two still around seem to constantly carry that, but this one more than the other. Steve knows why, he remembers what Tony said, but his gut reaction is still to clench his jaw and brace himself.

He turns to Tony, abandoning his boats when Tony calls him out on being upset. Steve's expression is thin, tight with denial and strain, but when he speaks the response is quiet and even. His voice comes distantly from somewhere else.

"Talking helps with what? I'm doing fine. But thanks for worrying about me."

[ Loki falls silent briefly, his eyes trailing over the ships. All I ever wanted was to be your equal. Wanting is natural. It should be considered as such. Even when Loki's own wants and desires led him astray and twisted his nature inside out, he cannot dismiss that one truth. That it is normal to want. To have ambitions, desires. To believe in . . . more.

There are moments Loki regrets. He knows his very nature damns him. But wanting? He recognizes but no longer sees as a flaw. ]

You should. Because it matters. Even if it is never acknowledged, even if no one can see, it matters A feeling has every right to existence as much as anything else there is. We live as ships drifting out into the open. Why be that way if we do not expect more?

[ Loki moves behind him, curling a hand over Steve's chest. He wanted to hear Steve's heartbeat, wanted to calm his own fear. ]

Do not deny yourself in front of me.

[ It takes Steve a moment to realize that the hand laid against his chest, the comforting gesture, actually stings. It hurts, the kindness he grants him, and Steve is surprised because kindness isn't supposed to hurt. All the villains and monsters he's faced have tried their best over the years to hurt him, driving in every weapon they had to get to his heart, but more often than not they only hit the shield. Loki speaks up even though Steve hasn't said he's hurting, he speaks past the front and says the words that Steve, deep in the empty nights, wakes up and thinks about and wonders over, but sometimes doesn't believe.

It's worth it. If only he could always believe that and never doubt or lose faith. But he is human and that assertion, even if Steve knows part of it is also just for Loki, so he can reassure himself, means a lot. He reaches up to place his hand over Loki's, breaths coming heavier than he would like. ]

I should have been the one to pull us together.

[ peggy has seen him this way before.

correction, she'd seen her steve in this mindset at least twice. there was the rainy morning in azzano, there was sergeant barnes' supposed death. she doesn't this one as well but at the same time, he's achingly familiar. even if she wanted to, it would have been difficult to stay away, not to offer her advice and a breadcrumb of comfort. ]

do things usually fall from the sky at your time?

[ she's just behind him, she'll nod when he turns around. ]

Hello Steve.

Should is a dangerous word.

[ Loki's voice is painfully bland. He picks up on it immediately though and tempers his tone carefully. He's not keen on letting his own issues bleed through. ]

I should be dead. You should be a symbol. Are those really what you wish to determine your life by?

[ There may be a slight tremor at that. ]

No. [ Steve's answer comes softly, a warm answer to the affection Loki offers him. It's the voice of gratitude and of pain. ] No, they're not.

[ He doesn't want to live in the shadow of the ice forever. He doesn't want to stand frozen, just a statue of man, to be placed wherever they see fit. But he still aches from what has happened. ]

They were my friends and I let them down. I loved them, and I don't want to lose them any more than I would want to lose you. I- I thought I had a chance. To make some things right again.

[ Despite himself, Loki softens a little, as he twists his hand to curl his fingers around Steve's own. He's well aware that his . . . position is tenuous. As tempting as it would be, no amount of declarations from Thor or anyone else is going to change that. Change him. Loki may not be happy the way he is, but it's far better than the alternatives. ]

I do not think they are lost so much as . . . temporarily unavailable. You are alive. There will be other chances.

I hurt them.

[ Steve's fingers close with Loki's, holding his hand for support. Despite his size and the way his stance always takes full advantage of his build, Steve clings to Loki like a boy holding onto him for support. He's lost in a way, his grip firm like he's afraid he might fall or that Loki might vanish if he lets him go at any moment. He doesn't turn around, but he doesn't let him pull away. Deep in the back of his mind, Steve worries that Loki might go the same way Tony did. He doesn't hold leaving against Tony, but it still hurts. It's a wound in his heart he fears will repeat with those closest to him. ]

We were always worried about attacks coming from enemies we knew. We have enough of them and there are always more. But now... there was a lot of damage done before I got here. I wanted to blame someone else, but it was because of us. Because of me.

I may not want to live as a symbol, but I do want that symbol to count for something. I want to apologize. What if there are no other chances? Even if I could go back, things have moved on. I'm not sure they'd take it.

[ He's still sad, still caught in a knot of conflicting feelings he's trying to hide from everyone else, but when he hears Peggy's voice, some of that tension loosens. It's a relief to know she's there somehow, just a little boon to unclench the tight lump in his chest and let him breathe. He even manages a small smile as he turns to greet her. ]

It's good to see you again. You'd be surprised by what things seem to fall from the sky back home. It seems like it happens too often.

[ His smile becomes slightly watery as he talks. ]

I got used to it. Seems strange to miss something like that.

[ The grip both frightens and exhilarates him. When was the last time someone looked at him this way? Clung to him this way? There was no one. No person comes to mind, who would come to Loki for support, for guidance. Who believed he could provide it. Thor would fight Loki's monsters, but it was Loki who helped make sense of the world. Who put life into perspective when it got too large, too overwhelming for two princely boys. Loki tightens his fingers as he rests his forehead at the back of Steve's head with a sigh.

For Loki, the answers are obvious to him. There is no going back. There are no more chances. He said his apologies and his goodbyes. They must keep. But his future was not Steve's, so he can speak and believe in what he says. ]

Even so, you must keep moving. You must keep going. Stand until the ground that you walk on is yours once more.

[ Loki might not show kindness to many others. He hoards it, keeps it close to his heart, and denies it when anyone claims otherwise. But to Steve there is true generosity in the slender fingers closed around his. The kindness in the god's words isn't something forced or owed. It's a freely given, and that means all the more to him. He turns, still holding Loki's hand, and looks into his eyes with a trembling hope. ]

When we got here, I thought I'd be able to go back and make amends. I thought I could fix things. Now I don't know what I'd say. This is all the ground I have. And if I lose it, I don't... It's too easy for boats to get swept away in the current.

[ Loki moves to kiss the sorrow from Steve's lip, a light touch. There is no ache in him, merely a quiet certainty of events he is all too familiar with. He used to be this way. Used to think he could fix it. Used to believe he could come back. But his home eroded away. Asgard is beautiful and bright and Loki will always love it, yearn for it. But Loki cannot hold it anymore. And that certainty, that truth chips away at him daily.

He understands, but he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that Steve has to confront those thoughts. Doesn't like the snare. ]

You have ground with me. Our world is safe. The rest will follow.

Ava doesn't have much to move, just her bag of things, her whole life, always ready to run. Moving in like this is scary for her, but she doesn't point that out. She's never had a real place of her own, and allowing herself to admit this isn't another temporary thing is.. new. And if she's honest, she still feels a little strange about it, like she's somehow intruding into someone else's space. Of course, logically, she guesses it would be silly to leave Tony his room, as if he's going to come back. She wishes he would, though. Even if she didn't know him long, she liked him. He was nice and clever and he made her smile.

She thinks that part of Steve's investment in helping getting her moved in, aside from just being nice, is as a distraction, but she likes him too much to point it out. But, the small table, the desk, the things that Steve thinks of that she would never have asked for herself make her feel a little out of her depth. She hums in quiet amusement as they talk about putting in a bigger window as she's putting her rather small selection of clothes into drawers.

"I didn't know you were an artist," she comments as she pauses, watching Steve with the pencil. Then she turns to James with a hint of amusement. "I'm guessing he was your friend who draws?" A casual reference to when she'd first met him, when she was brand new and all raw edges.

Tony turns to stare at him directly, questioning who exactly he's trying to fool here. "So you're not upset someone you claim a close friend has been sent back to return to his coma?"

He scoffs and plucks a sheet from Steve's hands. The sketches don't interest him, but he starts to carefully fold another boat from it. "I know I'm not as resilient as you all, but I'd be devastated if I was in your position."

Privately, he doesn't miss the way the other Tony would watch him like he was seeing all his nightmares come true. He climbed this far from rock bottom and didn't appreciate the implication that he hasn't moved at all.

[ She kicks off her heels and takes a seat by his side, legs folded beneath her. the grass digs into her knees and feet bu she pays no attention to it. instead, she looks at the drawings. ]

They're good.

[ she remembers the dancing monkey, the pencil drawing of a train pulling into a stop. ]

Come now, we're all allowed to miss the little oddities of our world. I miss my colleagues, though most of them are utter pigs.

[ Having her look at his drawings like that feels almost foreign. He still sketches from time to time, but never as seriously as he once did. He's come a long way since his art school days and having people remember he can draw is like a look into the past. If he were more sensitive he might blush, but instead he just dips his head to hide the embarrassment. ]

They're passable. I could probably use more practice. I just... don't seem to get around to it much.

[ And it isn't like he lacks the time now, but there's a guilty twinge in his heart. He should be doing more than drawing little sketches. ]

Were your coworkers that bad?

[ He might be avoiding his pain for a little, but it's a gentle redirection, mostly to get a chance to talk to her more. ]

[ Steve sighs against the kiss, shivering as Loki's lips touch his like a ghost's, there and gone with a breath. He closes his eyes, leaning against Loki with both hands laid flat against his chest, feeling the rhythm of his heart. It's a steadying sensation, knowing that Loki is there and that he came because he cares about him. It's the kind of reassurance Steve needs right now, just to hear someone else say that there's a reason to be upset; that it's okay.

And that he's there with him. Steve wraps an arm around Loki, pressing his face into his shoulder as he breathes out his frustration in a tense breath. ]

I'm tired of losing friends.

"Good thing you know someone who specializes in air support, then."

A crow lands next to the flotilla and cocks its head, as if counting the boats, then flaps out over the lake, circling idly. Something that large might be overkill, but Sam hasn't managed anything smaller yet. And crows are smart; it understands what Sam wants it to do, even if it doesn't really get why.

The man himself is a shadow cast over Steve, before he crouches down next to him. "You doing okay?"

The way Steve scowls in response to Tony's evenly delivered question is an honest display of his feelings he can't hide. He tries to. Steve doesn't really want to make a show of his pain, but Tony is right and Steve has never really been that great at hiding when he's rubbed raw. He is unhappy; just as wounded as any of them, and he hates not having answers for the problems they all inevitably face.

He does let Tony have one of the sheets of paper. Maybe it's more because he doesn't want to see his drawing torn than allowing the man to have it, but he isn't sorry to see him start to fold it into a boat. At least he doesn't make some snide comment about Steve's sentimental art. The blond remains sullen, though, looking at his fleet with a mixture of resentment and longing.

"Is that what you want me to say? That I'm devastated? I don't think that would help anyone."

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 1 of 5

[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

ii. u can add ultimates to your warnings now

[ ii ]

i

no subject

no subject

no subject

lol ult tony warnings

no subject

no subject

( ii )

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

it's a blanket warning for terrible

no subject

no subject

no subject

ii

tony needs happy things