riverviewlogs | [open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

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[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.

i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

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[ There's ice in Steve's eyes when Loki says he wasn't prepared. His jaw sets and he remains still, solid, against the wave of feelings that hits him with. He looks away rather than directing that feeling toward Loki, staring back at his boats, bits of paper and nothing that will dissolve soon enough. ]

It doesn't matter. I wasn't prepared to wake up here. Or to wake up decades after a war I fought in was already over.

I don't expect much.

[ Loki falls silent briefly, his eyes trailing over the ships. All I ever wanted was to be your equal. Wanting is natural. It should be considered as such. Even when Loki's own wants and desires led him astray and twisted his nature inside out, he cannot dismiss that one truth. That it is normal to want. To have ambitions, desires. To believe in . . . more.

There are moments Loki regrets. He knows his very nature damns him. But wanting? He recognizes but no longer sees as a flaw. ]

You should. Because it matters. Even if it is never acknowledged, even if no one can see, it matters A feeling has every right to existence as much as anything else there is. We live as ships drifting out into the open. Why be that way if we do not expect more?

[ Loki moves behind him, curling a hand over Steve's chest. He wanted to hear Steve's heartbeat, wanted to calm his own fear. ]

Do not deny yourself in front of me.

[ It takes Steve a moment to realize that the hand laid against his chest, the comforting gesture, actually stings. It hurts, the kindness he grants him, and Steve is surprised because kindness isn't supposed to hurt. All the villains and monsters he's faced have tried their best over the years to hurt him, driving in every weapon they had to get to his heart, but more often than not they only hit the shield. Loki speaks up even though Steve hasn't said he's hurting, he speaks past the front and says the words that Steve, deep in the empty nights, wakes up and thinks about and wonders over, but sometimes doesn't believe.

It's worth it. If only he could always believe that and never doubt or lose faith. But he is human and that assertion, even if Steve knows part of it is also just for Loki, so he can reassure himself, means a lot. He reaches up to place his hand over Loki's, breaths coming heavier than he would like. ]

I should have been the one to pull us together.

Should is a dangerous word.

[ Loki's voice is painfully bland. He picks up on it immediately though and tempers his tone carefully. He's not keen on letting his own issues bleed through. ]

I should be dead. You should be a symbol. Are those really what you wish to determine your life by?

[ There may be a slight tremor at that. ]

No. [ Steve's answer comes softly, a warm answer to the affection Loki offers him. It's the voice of gratitude and of pain. ] No, they're not.

[ He doesn't want to live in the shadow of the ice forever. He doesn't want to stand frozen, just a statue of man, to be placed wherever they see fit. But he still aches from what has happened. ]

They were my friends and I let them down. I loved them, and I don't want to lose them any more than I would want to lose you. I- I thought I had a chance. To make some things right again.

[ Despite himself, Loki softens a little, as he twists his hand to curl his fingers around Steve's own. He's well aware that his . . . position is tenuous. As tempting as it would be, no amount of declarations from Thor or anyone else is going to change that. Change him. Loki may not be happy the way he is, but it's far better than the alternatives. ]

I do not think they are lost so much as . . . temporarily unavailable. You are alive. There will be other chances.

I hurt them.

[ Steve's fingers close with Loki's, holding his hand for support. Despite his size and the way his stance always takes full advantage of his build, Steve clings to Loki like a boy holding onto him for support. He's lost in a way, his grip firm like he's afraid he might fall or that Loki might vanish if he lets him go at any moment. He doesn't turn around, but he doesn't let him pull away. Deep in the back of his mind, Steve worries that Loki might go the same way Tony did. He doesn't hold leaving against Tony, but it still hurts. It's a wound in his heart he fears will repeat with those closest to him. ]

We were always worried about attacks coming from enemies we knew. We have enough of them and there are always more. But now... there was a lot of damage done before I got here. I wanted to blame someone else, but it was because of us. Because of me.

I may not want to live as a symbol, but I do want that symbol to count for something. I want to apologize. What if there are no other chances? Even if I could go back, things have moved on. I'm not sure they'd take it.

[ The grip both frightens and exhilarates him. When was the last time someone looked at him this way? Clung to him this way? There was no one. No person comes to mind, who would come to Loki for support, for guidance. Who believed he could provide it. Thor would fight Loki's monsters, but it was Loki who helped make sense of the world. Who put life into perspective when it got too large, too overwhelming for two princely boys. Loki tightens his fingers as he rests his forehead at the back of Steve's head with a sigh.

For Loki, the answers are obvious to him. There is no going back. There are no more chances. He said his apologies and his goodbyes. They must keep. But his future was not Steve's, so he can speak and believe in what he says. ]

Even so, you must keep moving. You must keep going. Stand until the ground that you walk on is yours once more.

[ Loki might not show kindness to many others. He hoards it, keeps it close to his heart, and denies it when anyone claims otherwise. But to Steve there is true generosity in the slender fingers closed around his. The kindness in the god's words isn't something forced or owed. It's a freely given, and that means all the more to him. He turns, still holding Loki's hand, and looks into his eyes with a trembling hope. ]

When we got here, I thought I'd be able to go back and make amends. I thought I could fix things. Now I don't know what I'd say. This is all the ground I have. And if I lose it, I don't... It's too easy for boats to get swept away in the current.

[ Loki moves to kiss the sorrow from Steve's lip, a light touch. There is no ache in him, merely a quiet certainty of events he is all too familiar with. He used to be this way. Used to think he could fix it. Used to believe he could come back. But his home eroded away. Asgard is beautiful and bright and Loki will always love it, yearn for it. But Loki cannot hold it anymore. And that certainty, that truth chips away at him daily.

He understands, but he doesn't like it. He doesn't like that Steve has to confront those thoughts. Doesn't like the snare. ]

You have ground with me. Our world is safe. The rest will follow.

[ Steve sighs against the kiss, shivering as Loki's lips touch his like a ghost's, there and gone with a breath. He closes his eyes, leaning against Loki with both hands laid flat against his chest, feeling the rhythm of his heart. It's a steadying sensation, knowing that Loki is there and that he came because he cares about him. It's the kind of reassurance Steve needs right now, just to hear someone else say that there's a reason to be upset; that it's okay.

And that he's there with him. Steve wraps an arm around Loki, pressing his face into his shoulder as he breathes out his frustration in a tense breath. ]

I'm tired of losing friends.

[ Loki pressed his lips so tightly he could feel his teeth hurt from the pressure. There was a heaviness in his chest that he could not fully dispel. Thankfully, Loki is nothing, if not practiced at ignoring his own flaws. Can't you let me grieve without being Loki about it?

What can Loki do, really?

But he lets Steve press himself closer as Loki kisses his forehead and wraps his arms around him in turn. A motion that is unfamiliar to him, but easy to imitate. To fake. I know. I'm sorry seems trite. He is not good at this. ]

Then be tired. And rest.

[ Steve leans his head against Loki's, temple to temple, and stays holding him for a moment with his vision closed in darkness. He just needs to ignore the world for the moment, to clear his head of the oppressive weight that crawls up on him like so many small, sharp-clawed hands that try to dig under his skin. How is it that the peace of quarantine feels more depressing now than his home, which, when he left it, was still slowly rebuilding after the devastation of battle?

You're just not made for peace.

He's not sure who the voice belongs to, but it whispers with a certainty against the inside of his skull all the same.

You're a soldier, through and through, Rogers. That's why they all go eventually. What's left to relate to when the fighting's done?

It sends an uncomfortable chill down his spine and he tightens his hold, squeezing Loki in a hug before relaxing and pulling back to open his eyes again so he can see him. ]

I'm glad you stayed. I know this place can't be forever. Who knows what will happen down the road? But, whatever happens, I don't want us to leave like that. With things left undone between us and broken. You're important to me, and I want you to know that.

[ Loki's expression cracks slightly, letting some of his fear bleed through. His fingers curl around Steve's arm, tight and unrelenting. ]

Promise me this. That you will not go without speaking to me. That you will not — [ Loki shudders, overwhelmed. ] — I know that you must go. That there are places you must be. But do not let me go until the very end.

[ Loki's reaction, holding onto Steve like he's afraid he might get left behind, makes his chest tighten. He doesn't expect it. For some reason, Steve just hasn't considered the idea that Loki would ever be left behind. He's come to assume that if thy have to part, it will be mutual. An agreement between them because of other responsibilities. And part of him naively believes that there's a chance that Loki will stay with him, although it's selfish of him to want to take Loki with him and keep his old life. He's struck by how seriously Loki asks him not to abandon him without notice.

Steve wonders how long Loki has been carrying this fear. ]

I'm not leaving. I don't have any intention of leaving you. If we go back, once they manage to fix the portal enough to send us home, then I want you to be with me. Or I'll find a way to come back- But I won't disappear. I just don't want to keep you tied down to a place you don't want to be. If you find something else, I'll support you.

[ He makes a quiet wretched sound at the back of his throat. Every time Steve mentions something better, something more hopeful, beyond all of Loki's expectations simply to have Loki and not demand anything of him in return. To just want and be happy with him. And isn't Loki the same? He does not want more from Steve. The cloying neediness, the desire to take and hoard no longer claws at his heart because Steve simply gives and believes.

He shakes, but it is not the tremor of fear. Silently, Loki moves closer to brush Steve's hair back with a tremulous smile. ]

I love you. Never — never doubt that. I love you.

I don't.

[ Steve's answer to that is simple. No matter what questions the place throws at him or what tense, sometimes difficult problems they face together, Steve has no doubt that Loki cares for him. He hasn't questioned that in a while now. Since they had started seeing each other regularly and Loki showed up in his room, worried and upset in the middle of the night, Steve has assumed that Loki's feelings for him, spoken or not, were real. Like any relationship he would have, Steve knows there are going to be complications. He can't give up on his responsibilities. He'll always need to be there if the world calls for a hero, but that doesn't mean he's abandoning this chance at happiness. He smiles softly, tired, but sure as he brushes fingers along Loki's jaw. ]

Is that what you were worried about? You thought I'd leave you behind? You're not getting rid of me that easy.

[ Loki's courage dries up, even as he does his best to put a lid on his fear because it's out in the open now, that small fluttering sentimental feeling that can be so easily crushed. He's seen it happen. Instead, he merely nods, closing his eyes as if pained. ]

I think you would. If it was necessary. If it meant reclaiming your — [ Loki cuts himself off with a shudder. ] — As I said, it's understandable. I'm not exactly anyone's first choice.

[ That cold fear is one Steve recognizes, even if he doesn't fully relate to it. He knows what it looks like, and he leans forward, placing a light kiss on the bridge of Loki's nose just between his eyes. ]

If it meant reclaiming my what? My place? My home? What makes you think you're not already part of that?

[ Steve pulls Loki forward so they are standing next to each other, with him leaning against the god's side. ]

If something happens, I'll have to go back. You're right. But that doesn't mean I'll leave you. We'll work something out together.

[ Your shield, Loki is tempted to say, your purpose. Loki could never compare, never come close. But Steve would never lie to him, so Loki tucks himself closer regardless. Trust is not something he gives easily and even now he chafes under it, but that was their agreement, their pact. Their world. ]

Am I really a part of that?

[ Steve almost answers immediately, without thinking and just blindly asserting what he knows. He has his mouth open, words half-formed, before he closes it again and looks at the troubled expression on Loki's face. When he really looks at him, with Loki pressed close, he realizes that all his words are going to fall short. Steve breathes out, a soft kind of sigh, and gives Loki a brief hug before he steps back. He turns to the lake and steps in, wading a foot or so away so he can catch one of his drifting paper boats. When he returns to the bank, he holds it out to Loki.

The paper is full of sketches. Small moments captured in rough lines and frozen. Faces in profile and figures in motion: Avengers, Defenders, even some familiar SHIELD figures. And Loki amid scattered amid them. ]

Home is something you have to make. It's not always where you expect it, but if you figure out where to look, it's waiting for you.

[ His breath stutters. Steve drew him. With a trembling finger, Loki traces the faint dark lines that follow the curve of his neck and the slope of his hair. A few drops fall from his face, smudging the lines. Again, distantly, he thinks of Thor's despair, his red rimmed gaze, I lost you.

He raises his gaze to look Steve in the eyes, not hiding his tears. ]

Is that what you were making? With me?

[ Steve looks surprised by the tears in Loki's eyes. He stares with wide eyes, reaching up to comfort him by smoothing a hand down his hair. ]

I'm not trying to pressure you... If you're worried about what might happen, you can always talk to me. I'm here to listen, you know.

[ He's almost stammering with concern, tripping over his own attempts to reassure the crying god. It's got to be some kind of terrible curse to make a god cry. Double that for a loved one. ]

I can't give you stars to prove how I feel, but if there's something you want to ask for that I can give, you can have it. How long have you been worrying like this?

[ He presses his fingers against the paper. He dislikes revealing his fears. It makes him weak, vulnerable. Loki would have buried it, but Steve voicing similar thoughts brought it too close to the surface. What was he doing? He meant to come here to support Steve. To show that he could keep Steve close, keep him happy.

Can't you do anything right?

Know your place, brother.

But Loki knew the answer to that. He can't. He never could. All he could do is continue to fumble along the lines designated for him. These are his writs in the sand and they cannot be washed away. Is this not what he swore to do? To try? Loki swallows tightly, forcing the tears down. ]

I know. I am like you, Steve. I do not like being left behind.

[ The one time Loki chose to . . . he regretted it. Sometimes, he's not sure which alternative would have been worse; the wrath of the All-Father or the Void. So he always worries. He knows, eventually, Thor will give up. Everyone else has. He opens his mouth to say I trust you but his throat catches and he . . . can't say it. Shame fills his eyes. ]

You do not need to prove it to me.

[ He brushes his fingers over Steve's cheeks fondly, full of quiet affection. ]

What you do for me is enough. I stumble, that's all.

I wouldn't leave you behind.

[ No matter what Loki says, Steve has already decided that the fear it there, and he keeps remembering a similar cold feeling of loss, one that he carried for years after and which haunted his dreams and waking thoughts alike. A little slip, a single moment in time where he was too slow and his grasp too weak. If he had just found some way, if he had been better, then he wouldn't have left a loved one with those deep scars. No matter what Bucky says, Steve can't believe his friend doesn't feel at least a little resentment for what his failure put him through.

And here is Loki, trying to convince Steve that he doesn't need his reassurance. It's the one thing that Steve can't believe. ]

I know I haven't done the best job of showing it, but I'm serious about sticking with you. Whatever happens, whatever it takes, I'll do what I need to do. You're with me. If you ask me to hand you proof, you'll have it. Not at the expense of anyone else, but anything else. Anything I can give you, I'll give gladly.

And you never have to be afraid to ask.

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