[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.

[livingsymbol]

who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.

He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.


i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)

They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.

"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."

ii. birds' paths and paper boats

Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.

"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."

He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.

iii. walk around town

Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.

"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki kisses his eyelids softly. ]

Yes, but as I keep telling you. There is more to life. Let yourself live, even in sorrow.

[livingsymbol]

[ The sound he makes isn't a word but a swallowed note of pain as Loki kisses him, letting tears break free and run down his face. It's ridiculous. He's not facing nearly the kind of pain he's faced before, but Steve cries anyway, gasping breaths in and keeping his sadness quieted to shaking shoulders and unsteady sighs. He doesn't sob or make noise, but he leans his head forward against Loki's touch. ]

I'm sorry, I-

[dothelokimotion]

You have nothing to apologize for.

[ Loki twines his arms around Steve, pressing their foreheads together. ]

Not with me.

[livingsymbol]

[ It's a simple gesture. Steve leans forward, letting Loki guide him into pressing against the embrace. Face to face, he can feel Loki breathing in front of him, reminding him he isn't alone. And as often as Steve hears that and as much as he knows it is true, it still feels good to have someone comfort him. If he becomes a burden to everyone else, at least right now he has this. The patient words of a god that used to hate humans. He laughs quietly through his tears. ]

You're always here.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Always. Only Steve would believe that of Loki. He shivers at the thought. ]

I am. Take what you need and come back to me.

[livingsymbol]

[ He wants to say no. He wants to tell Loki that he doesn't need anything, because what else is there to need when he has people he cares about with him? That should always be enough. But Steve is still choking on half-drawn breaths, so instead he just tilts his head and kisses him, soft and chaste and wet with salt water. He puts a hand on Loki's shoulder, pulling him close. ]

I'm here too.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki sighs, quiet and reverential, like Steve had whispered some forgotten truth that Loki has long stopped believing in. He kisses back like a thirsty man, fully intent on impressing his presence on Steve. He wants his kisses to burn. He wants Steve to ache for them. ]

I know.

[ And that's a big admission from Loki. ]

[livingsymbol]

[ The kisses are demanding, forceful, and Steve responds to the need in kind, kissing him with more desperation when Loki seems to try to kiss away his grief. He barely lets him pull away to respond with those two words before kissing him again, trembling, like he doesn't know what he'll do if he has to stop. Steve buries his hand in Loki's hair, holding him close, trying to use the god to steady himself. It takes a few more moments, with Steve leaving bruising kisses on Loki's lips before he manages to calm down. ]

I'm still here. I just- I needed to think.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki smiles, touching his lips and feeling a thrum of pleasure at the tingle. ]

I do not mind.

[livingsymbol]

I failed them. [ It's a soft admission, but steady. ] I let a lot of people down and I keep wondering if I'm repeating the same thing here. I keep thinking that if I make those mistakes again, you'll all leave. And I don't want it to end with anyone disappointed.

[dothelokimotion]

I do not think Stark's departure is on you. Or anyone else.

[ Loki brushes his hands over Steve's face. ]

You have not failed me. Trust your heart. I will not leave you and no force will make me do so.

[ Save Steve's own. But Loki doesn't need to tell him that. ]

[livingsymbol]

[ Trust your heart. Steve's breath catches a little in an attempt at speaking that fails. He wonders how many people would be surprised to hear Loki offer that sentiment. Would they consider it a lie? Steve holds that half breath before letting it out slowly. ]

I trust you. I'm just- tired of losing.

[ You're a sore loser, Captain.

Steve frowns and tries to shake off that phantom voice. ]

It's not about me. I know that. I didn't mean to scare you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There is a glimmer of good humour. ]

So I am your heart now? How flattering.

[ But at Steve's words, his expression softens. ]

It is not you.

[livingsymbol]

You're as much part of my heart as anyone. More than most at this point, I'd say.

[ Which, with Steve, is funny because he is used to making people around him part of his life. It's why he is so hurt when he loses them. Even friends or acquaintances mean a lot to him. It's stability in knowing them. ]

You were afraid I was going to leave you. I'd say that's on me. I- haven't done the best job of reassuring you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ His chest flutters at that and Loki even deigns to deepen his smile. ]

Then reassure me now.

[livingsymbol]

[ Steve puts his arms over Loki's shoulders, draping them there as he moves in, close enough so that he can fill the other man's view. ]

I'm not going anywhere. I don't want to go. I'm happy just being here, and as much as I miss anything else, even if I regret some things, that doesn't mean I would ever regret us. You never have to worry about that. On my honor.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki's grin falters slightly at that, melting into a softer expression. He brushes Steve's hair back tenderly, with all the devotion he can muster. ]

I was hoping for a sweeping kiss. But that will do.

[livingsymbol]

[ Instead of answering, Steve moves quickly. He pulls Loki to him, kissing him deeply as he tugs his hair back with a possessive hold, fingers wound up in dark strands. Steve claims Loki's mouth with his, teeth closing on his lip and then tongue brushing over the bite to soothe it, as if Steve is trying to steal Loki's breath right out of him. When he finally lets the kiss end, he stays close, panting against his lips. ]

You're mine.

[dothelokimotion]

[ It works. Loki's head spins in a daze as he tries to work his voice, his eyes cloudy but fixed on Steve. ]

Yes.

[ His reply is hoarse. ]

Yours.

[livingsymbol]

[ The answer makes him smile. He kisses Loki again, tenderly, taking his time as he teases the god's lips until they are flushed. Then he nips them lightly. ]

And I'm not going anywhere without you. Believe it.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki responds with a low purr deep in his throat. ]

I believe you.

[livingsymbol]

Good.

[ It's a relief to Steve as well. A pressure lifts from his chest knowing that Loki doesn't fear he'll leave him without any word. That anticipation would be too hard on both of them, and he can't put him through that. Whatever sadness still lingers in his heart for all his losses is subdued by the comfort of knowing Loki is there and that he wants to be with him. It's a sign of hope, that he can rebuild with everyone he seems to keep failing. ]

You won't be left behind. You're important to me. I'm more worried that everyone else will get tired and stop needing me. That'd be lonely.

[dothelokimotion]

[ His brow knits together in confusion, but to his credit, Loki listens and does not dismiss that fear out of hand. It is certainly a fear Loki keeps close as well, except he's seen it realized many years ago. No one needs him, after all. He wets his lips, searching for the words. ]

It is. Perhaps you need to find people who will come back to you.

[livingsymbol]

Mm. [ Steve thinks about that, nodding, because it's a fear many others have. The fear of no longer being wanted isn't new and he knows that. It just happens more often to him when he keeps getting disconnected from his friends and dying. ]

I did. I've got you.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There's a slow, minute flush of pleasure at that. ]

So you have.