Steven Rogers || Captain America (616) (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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riverviewlogs2017-10-02 01:07 am
livingsymbol) wrote in riverviewlogs2017-10-02 01:07 am
[open] Some sad chill times before he does Feast things.
who: Steve Rogers and whomever!
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.
He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.
i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)
They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.
"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."
ii. birds' paths and paper boats
Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.
"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."
He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.
iii. walk around town
Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.
"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"
what: Steve moping after Tony leaves, fixing up the extra room, and keeping busy.
when: October 1st-3rd
where: various
warnings: Sad Steve in snow? Ultimates Tony because he is his own warning.
He didn't get much warning, and it was over and done within only a few minutes, barely enough time to really register what Tony told him. And after he was gone, Steve was left with a hundred unaddressed questions and half-finished conversations. Little exchanges that promised that maybe another time they would sort things out. They never did, and he's left to think about them in the days and nights that follow. But things in Quarantine move on, and even though it is quieter than it is at home, he knows he has to keep moving too.
i. moving in (for Bucky and Ava)
They're not having any real trouble moving the room around. Cleaning up the items left behind into boxes and wiping the place down takes the longest. Bucky already has the bed half completed and when they manage to get the frame in, it's more a matter of where to put it than getting it together. But Steve is making a bigger production of the change than strictly necessary, trying to get the angle just right and figuring out what furnishings Ava might want in the room, even if she doesn't really worry about it that much herself. In the end, he takes it upon himself to help by repainting the walls. It's at least something that keeps him from "helping" Bucky and Ava do the real work of getting the furniture set up and her things moved in. He's fretting by one of the walls, pencil in hand, as he examines the blank space with serious concentration.
"Wish the window was bigger. You'd have more light."
ii. birds' paths and paper boats
Steve goes out to the parks a few times. The open air is comforting and seeing people out and active does make him feel a little better, but mostly he goes to be alone. He's trying in his own way to conceal the damage done by the loss of a close friend. He knows it's better than having Tony die, but there is a certain finality in the way Tony went that grafts stones in his heart and leaves words falling short of feelings. So he hangs around the edge of the lake, drawing charcoal sketches on sheets of paper. After he finishes one, he folds it into a paper boat and uses wax be bought to seal the bottom before setting it in the water. Soon he has a small fleet drifting one by one on a current out into the open water.
"Now you need air support. In case something drops down from the sky."
He's talking to himself. Maybe if he does it enough it will help.
iii. walk around town
Between Perimeter Guard shifts and random issues that spring up, Steve makes his usual rounds of jogs to get exercise and keep his head clear. He has varying success, sometimes managing to improve his mood by dashing across the rooftops or seeing people on his loops, and other times resorting to beating punching bags at the gym or venturing out beyond the fences to find more challenging fare. Getting into scraps with monsters and pummeling workout equipment at least provides a temporary distraction. If nothing else, he tries to outrun the thoughts plaguing him. A few days he ends up just standing in front of one of the Quarantine pet stores, looking through the glass at the puppies on display. He hesitates, considers going in, then thinks better of it and just lingers outside, waving his fingers at the puppies and playing with them through the window.
"Yeah. It's me again. You're still here too, mm?"
lol ult tony warnings
He turns to Tony, abandoning his boats when Tony calls him out on being upset. Steve's expression is thin, tight with denial and strain, but when he speaks the response is quiet and even. His voice comes distantly from somewhere else.
"Talking helps with what? I'm doing fine. But thanks for worrying about me."
it's a blanket warning for terrible
He scoffs and plucks a sheet from Steve's hands. The sketches don't interest him, but he starts to carefully fold another boat from it. "I know I'm not as resilient as you all, but I'd be devastated if I was in your position."
Privately, he doesn't miss the way the other Tony would watch him like he was seeing all his nightmares come true. He climbed this far from rock bottom and didn't appreciate the implication that he hasn't moved at all.
tony needs happy things
He does let Tony have one of the sheets of paper. Maybe it's more because he doesn't want to see his drawing torn than allowing the man to have it, but he isn't sorry to see him start to fold it into a boat. At least he doesn't make some snide comment about Steve's sentimental art. The blond remains sullen, though, looking at his fleet with a mixture of resentment and longing.
"Is that what you want me to say? That I'm devastated? I don't think that would help anyone."
but does he deserve them
He doesn't think Steve's problem is like his Steve's where anything that deviates from the macho alpha male image was an intolerable weakness. Instead he thinks it's more like how he views it, that there was only so much that could be done because they couldn't afford to admit to it. The trick was convincing him otherwise.
"Nothing to lose, right?" He smiles half-heartedly and it's nothing like the almost sleazy smirk he always has. Even this poor attempt at sympathising takes far too much from him.
of course he does! I mean after you die once you've earned it right?
Steve thinks that he just looks tired. He kneels down and uses his brush to wax the bottom of Tony's paper boat and gently sets it into the water alongside the rest of his fleet. He smiles quietly, seeing how it fits there.
"I don't want to worry anyone," he says. "We all have concerns about going home and dealing with being here. But we'll work it out. We always do."
but he came back and thor didn't
"How does that work?"
There's an urge to kick dirt onto the boats and sink them, but he redirects it to scuffing his shoe against the ground. He doesn't acknowledge that's born of the desire to shake the other man.
"How is your method any different to me ruining myself?"
I'm still mad and blame everyone on writing right now.
"You're probably right." He tries to sound agreeable. Not sullen like he feels. "I guess I shouldn't be out here wasting my time. I just-"
It's not different. Not really. Steve runs a hand through his hair in frustration. He can't argue against Tony's point and that stings.
"Talk, huh?"
probably because no one reads ults even when written by bendis
"I can't recommend it enough." He clasps Steve's shoulder tries to smile encouragingly, although it feels stiff and awkward. "Thank you for listening to me."
It was one of his therapist's best suggestions and he made a note to himself to try find a replacement here. He'd gone for far too long without seeing one and he could feel himself slipping. Maybe he'd leave a suggestion for Steve too provided he could figure out the likelihood of getting hit for bringing it up.
and yet they continue to pull stupid bullshit referencing ults
"Well, I have heard you are brilliant, so I guess taking advice from a genius isn't a bad plan. Not that I want that to go to your head." Steve smiles faintly, surprised that Tony even puts a hand on his shoulder. That's a gesture he was sure the man wouldn't offer him after their last talk.
"You're a good man." It seems relevant for some reason. Or maybe he just needs to say it while Tony is there in case he doesn't get another chance.
mcu is influenced by ults which then influences 616 in a shitty cycle
"Nonsense, I have the exact amount of ego I need." Tony doesn't push that further, it's ultimately irrelevant that Tony believes he knows what he's capable of and it's other people who have higher expectations of him, Steve included.
His smile doesn't fade at Steve's next words, but it turns quizzical. "Not that I don't appreciate your words, but what brought that on?"
We're trapped in a groundhog day of pain
"What do you mean?" The question confuses Steve at first, because he thought it was a fairly straightforward reaction. He didn't even think of why he said it, he just said it because it seemed like the right thing to say in the moment. "You are. Going this far for someone that barely knows anything about you is pretty generous."
That he remembers. The point Tony made about how little Steve knows about his life still stings, but it's true. He had reacted using what he knew of his own world and history without really considering the other possibilities. He's not a scientist and alternate worlds are still pretty far beyond him.
"I appreciate the thought. It might not mean that much to you, but it helps. Thank you, Tony."
never ending terrible until they decide to wipe the slate
"This is the bare minimum of being a decent person. I even suggested you talk to someone that wasn't me. You're not wrong, but your standards are shockingly low."
It almost felt like his Steve's aggressive disapproval had to be countered with aggressive praise. He misses that because at least that was familiar and he knew to expect to be brushed off every time. Despite his earlier words, he also relies on their shared history with someone else with the other's name to get through their interactions.
"However I know how to be gracious so thank you for your kind words." He squeezes Steve's shoulder before dropping his hands back to his sides.
waiting for it really
"You're questioning my standards?" Steve raises his eyebrows, because surely Tony can't be suggesting Captain America has low standards. There's a slight smile in his expression. "If you want, I can make you run laps to see how far you get before I agree to talk to anyone."
It's a step in the right direction, he thinks. Being able to talk to this Tony without sending the man recoiling from him. He even touches his shoulder, which is more than he's attempted in a while.
"Careful, Tony. You might convince me that you're really worried. And you're welcome." See? He can also be gracious. Or just formal. But Steve is at least trying to make it funny.
no subject
Tony didn't think he was missing out by not getting gross and sweaty with everyone else. He was far happier watching everyone instead.
"I am worried." He looks stricken at the realisation that his counterpart had all these people who cared for him, but kept up a facade. "All I want is for everyone to be happy."
This isn't a joking matter for him.
no subject
"I... I want that too," he confesses. Part of it comes in response to Tony's sincerity, echoing the sentiment with awkward agreement. "I want all of us to be happy. I guess I just don't always know how to make that happen."
It's about as honest as Steve has ever been, feeling the way Tony pulls away not only in the physical gesture, but in the distance between himself and everyone he should know.
no subject
But damn, he wants his Steve to show the same awkward and honest affection.
"Tell me if you ever figure it out since that seems to be the one thing money can't buy."
no subject
"We can't make it for ourselves either. I'm glad you're here. For this. And if there's anything you need, you can ask me any time."
no subject
This was a chance to start over and hopefully he'd be able to avoid souring Steve's opinion of him. He takes Steve's hand and decides to resist turning it into a hug.
"Likewise Steve. If there's anything you need, I'll do whatever it takes to make it happen."
no subject
"You've got it. I'll be sure to give you a call."