riverviewlogs | ( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

who: Jim Kirk & YOU
what: Bones is gone and Jim is coping with it the only way he knows how: poorly.
when: Jan 25th through to early February
where: bars, parks and streets, shuttle and beyond the walls
warnings: drinking, general weird moods, Jim being depressed, possible crying. don't expect anything else but will edit if need be. JUST GIVE HIM DISTRACTIONS.

I ▹ JUST ONE MORE GLASS

[ It's a few days before Jim actually leaves the house properly, though he still doesn't look all that great. He's combed his hair and put on mildly presentable clothes, but he's still sporting a short beard he hasn't cared to shave, and he's not looking like his usual cheerful self either.

During the first few days, it's all still a little too fresh on his mind, and his heart. He goes out but it's not with the intent of socializing so much as sitting by the bar on his own, asking the barkeep to pour him one glass after another. He spends most of the time staring down at the liquid swirling in his glass, gaze seldom lifting from the surface, though he will if someone happens to take a seat on the stool next to his.

He'll spare a vague smile if it's a stranger, and a few words if it's a familiar face: ] What brings you around here?

II ▹ MIDNIGHT RUN

[ It doesn't get better anytime soon. It's a process, Jim tries to tell himself, but he hates that he can't force himself to just be fine. He hates that he's nothing but a burden souring everyone's mood, and maybe that's why he thinks it would be for the best if he just avoided everyone.

On the other hand, he's lonely. He hates that. Can't stand being all alone in the empty loft when he leaves the guard. John's been putting up with him and keeping him company more often than not, but Jim knows that he can't very well hog all his time. He's got better things to do than stay with him.

So, when he can't sleep, and when he can't stand the deafening silence, he puts on running gear and goes out for a late night jog. There are always a few people around but it's generally quiet, and the parks are a good spot to just run until his legs hurt and his lungs burn. When he can't take it anymore and his head starts spinning, he lies down on the grass, staring up at the night sky. Anything to not be in his empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

III ▹ THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK

[ After the end of the month, the levels of self-pity start getting a little ridiculous. He finds himself equal parts sad and angry at himself that he's just letting himself go down a spiral, as much as he tries to tell himself he's coping just fine.

He needs to do something. Be useful. Resume his life in the Quarantine the best he can, cling to whatever is still steady and present and normal in his life: his work.

He shaves finally, tidies up his place, even irons clothes and buys some ready-to-eat meals to stock up his fridge, and he shows up at the Perimeter Guard after a week and some looking mostly like himself. He's not as cheerful, granted, but he doesn't avoid or ignore anyone, though it's obvious he focuses on his work more than anything else. As the days go by people might catch him yawning at odd times, rubbing at his tired eyes still sporting dark circles that are proof of his lack of sleep.

Out on the shuttle, he might even start to doze off halfway through a flight. Whoever's with him should probably take helm control and just tell him to sit back, or else Jim's grip on the shuttle might just slip, giving them the scare of their lives. ]

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[Trying to sleep was a hard thing for Rey to do on some nights. She wasn't going to simply stay up all night. No, she learned her lesson after falling sick. Her body needed sleep, it needed rest, but her mind couldn't wind down. Maybe she was becoming more and more of a night owl. Or maybe there were too many things on her mind that she couldn't quiet down. At first, she thought about meditating, but she knew herself. She wouldn't be able to sit down long enough to focus on her breathing.

Instead, she decides to use some of the new clothes she found with Lola and change into actual running pants, a jacket and those...tennis shoes. They're comfortable, otherwise she wouldn't have purchased them. Outfit on, she quietly went outside to head to the park. She does carry the lightsaber on her in a protective case around her hip.

It doesn't surprise her to see one or two people running around. She ignores them, setting out a pace for herself. Running gave her something to focus on, placing one foot in front of the other. The feeling of the cold air on her face, and listening to her heart beating faster with each step. She manages to do a lap until she notices someone on the grass. Her pacing slows down until she can see who it is. Concern flickers in her eyes as she moves to the grass and offers her hand to help her friend up.]

Need a hand?

[ Eyes closed, Jim's heaving for breath by now, having pushed himself to the limit. Probably not the best decision, but at least while he's dizzy and his chest is aching and he can see flashes of white going off behind his closed eyelids, he can't really focus on anything else.

That means he also can't hear someone else approaching, not until Rey's standing right next to him, and he opens his eyes, blinking a few times as they focus on her. ]

Rey. [ He ponders for a few seconds, licking his lips and swallowing dryly. Nodding, he takes her hand and struggles to his feet with a soft groan. ]

Thanks. [ He swats some bits of grass off his shorts, then looks up at her. He knows he's been a little absent from the perimeter guard the past week or so, which is why he asks. ] How've you been doing?

[Rey clasps his hand tightly, helping Jim onto his feet. She hadn't seen much of him, and there was talk that something happened. Rey tried not to pay attention to it, not when she had her own problems to think about.]

Welcome.

[She pushes a few strands of her hair away from her face. Her hair is still in it's usual three bun style. The new clothes are working out fine for her, and running in tennis shoes was a lot better than her own pair.]

I'm fine. [That's the automatic response. She doesn't want to talk much about what's on her mind, only to keep running or focus on something else. Jim though...he looked different. He seemed..off. There wasn't as much of a light in his eyes when he spoke.]

You?

[ Her answer is about as quick and dismissive as can be, but Jim isn't too terribly discouraged by it. He gets it, in any case. Knows what it looks like when someone definitely isn't fine, and yet is unwilling or just not ready to talk about it. ]

Same as you.

[ Which is to say, he's at that point where he'll say he's just fine, but he's anything but fine.

He nods towards her, noting her attire. ] Out for a late night run, too?

[Rey raised an eyebrow at Jim. No, he wasn't fine, but did she press on? He would tell her, right? Just like she would with him---no, he wouldn't. They were too similar in that case.]

Uh-huh.

[Best to start off there, letting him know that she didn't buy it.]

Yeah, I couldn't sleep. Figured I could clear my head a little, guessing it's the same for you.

[Because what two sane people would decide running at midnight would be a good idea? No one, that's who. Except those who were really concerned about their health, but they weren't worth mentioning right now.]

Want a running partner? Could push each other--and not literally push, just...yeah. [They need something to distract themselves with, and as much as Rey wants to ask, she'll wait until both of them are exhausted to do it.]

Something like that, yeah.

[ Couldn't sleep, or more like, couldn't stand the silence of an empty place. It's not that he doesn't know how to be by himself, it's just that right now it feels lonelier than ever before, when it means not having Bones next to him.

He huffs a chuckle at her words, raising an eyebrow and waggling a finger at her. ] If you do push me, I'll push you right back. Fair warning.

[ As for the offer, though, he just nods towards the path nearest to them, then starts walking that way. ] Come on.

If you push me back, I will knock you down--fair warning.

[A bit of teasing, something familiar to joke and egg each other on. It hasn't been just the two of them since....Jim recruited her to the Aerial Division of the guard. Since she was missing Poe, and she found herself doing just that again, only this time with Finn too. Being in a home all by herself...no one else.

She could understand the pain of silence. The lack of someone else in a space, but she doesn't want to think about that. Rey starts to walk with Jim before going into an easy pace. Her eyes focused on the path they're traveling, listening to the sound of their feet hitting the pavement as the cold air fills their lungs.]

Have you been okay?

[The words slip out as they jog, casting a look to Jim to gauge his reaction to the question.]

You don't seem like your usual self.

Big words, for such a skinny girl.

[ He manages a teasing grin with that, jumping just a few feet away from her, in case she actually does try to shove him. She'd be perfectly right to, what with him being a cheeky little asshole like that.

The soles of their shoes hit the loose gravel of the walking path they're on, and they walk steady for a while before picking up pace into a jog. It's not much of a silence anymore, with both their breaths filling the air around, and Jim finds solace in that, in knowing he's not left alone with his own thoughts. ]

I'm fine. [ It's dismissive, he knows that. He regrets it almost the moment he says it. ] Just... it's nothing, really. I'll be fine.

This skinny girl can kick your ass if you're not careful.

[Good thing he jumped away, otherwise Rey would've attempted a playful hit to his shoulder. This was normal. This was familiar. It wasn't weird, nor was it forced. Something that came easily enough. Bantering that used to happen between her and Finn...and Poe. No, she can't let her mind go to that. She wants to focus on running, even if it does feel like they're running away from what's bothering them.

How many times are they going to keep saying 'I'm fine' to each other? Until one of them actually believes it? It starts to sound hollow to Rey. They're empty words which is why they're said in such a dismissive fashion. It doesn't give either of them time to realize those words are meaningless.]

When you say it's 'nothing' it means it's something. [A pause as they continued to run, feeling her legs start to burn, but Rey ignores it for now. She doesn't want to stop. Not yet.]

I know you'll be fine, but in this moment, you don't look like it.

[ Jim fully intends to say he's fine as many times as he needs to until it starts feeling like the truth. Even if only a little bit— he just wants to be fine. And he will be, eventually.

It's probably stupid of him to think that'll happen by sheer force of will, if only he's stubborn enough and keeps insisting that everything's alright and he's not walking around with a hole in his chest. ]

And when you say you're fine, I know you aren't. [ He points out, his lungs burning a little with each inhale. He doesn't slow his pace, but he also doesn't pick up speed, trying to even his breaths so he can last longer without slowing down.

A wounded, prideful part of him wants to push her away, tell her to mind her own business. It's probably a good thing he thinks better of it, because he really does need as many friends as he can get right now. ] My boyfriend's gone. Back home.

We're quite the pair then.

[Both of them saying they're fine until it eventually becomes true. Rey didn't want to burden Jim with her problems. She made her bed, now she had to lie in it. The mess she got herself into, she would have to find a way to repair it. Hopefully she could, hopefully things could be mended...if not for her and Poe, then at least with Leia and Poe.

Her steps slow down a little hearing what was bothering Jim. Her troubles seemed so small now. At least Poe and Finn were still here, but for Jim..]

I'm sorry, Jim. [She means it. There isn't pity in her voice, but empathy and a strong understanding of what that feels like...

Now wasn't the time to stop running, now they had to keep going. She didn't want those feelings to overwhelm Jim, not yet. Not until he wants to deal with them. Rey started to pick up the pace a little, pulling a head of him.] ..come on, I know you can do better than that.

[They could hug and maybe cry later--assuming Jim wanted to. But for now, if he wanted to take his mind off of it, she could run with him. ]

[ Right now, he wouldn't take it as a burden so much as a comfort, a way to steer away from his own thoughts and focus on something else. Actually, he'd never see it as a burden, no matter what. That didn't mean he'd push her into talking to him if she didn't want to, though. If and when she felt like venting, he'd be here for her.

He shrugged at her condolences. It wasn't really her fault. It was no one's fault, actually. He knew better than to try to find some meaning to something he knew likely was completely random.

The challenge was much more welcome, though. He looked up, almost surprised, when she picked up pace, then with a breathless laugh he started running faster, until he was catching up to her. ]

[They needed this. The feeling of their hearts beating hard in their chests. Breathing in cold air so heavily. Something to take their minds off their pain. Even if Jim didn't see Rey's troubles as a burden, Rey would still see it as such. She didn't want to involve more people in that and make more of a mess.

Plus, she didn't want to lose Jim too if she told him what her plan was and yes, even she admits it was stupid. But right now, she wants to focus on trying to make Jim feel better. To provide a distraction for both of them until they can't run anymore.

Rey looked over her shoulder, giving Jim a childish grin as she tried to stay ahead of him.]

[ She should know well enough by now that challenging Jim like that was never a good idea. He narrowed his eyes at her grin, huffing out a breathless laugh before picking up his pace. If the rhythm and the burning sensation in his heart were likely to tire him out faster, he honestly didn't care.

Strides longer and faster, after a few seconds he was running past her, taking a sharp turn ahead on the path and picking up speed to put even more distance between them. Granted, he had no doubt Rey would soon catch up again, but for now he'd try to gain some lead on her. ]

[Rey knows well enough, but Jim needs a challenge. He needs a distraction, and who knows, maybe while they were gasping for air or on the brink of passing out they could talk about other bands or music from his time. She heard some of it when they were working on the shuttle together. They cracked jokes. They laughed and smiled when times were simpler...

And in time, those days would come back. In time, what they were feeling would be a distant memory, and maybe things would go back to normal.]

Hey!

[Oh no, he passed her! Rey tries to pick up the pace, being careful as she rounds a corner. Her lungs are burning, and she swears she can hear her own heart pounding away in her eardrums. She isn't one to give in though. She's going to keep pushing herself until she feels like she can't move anymore and slows down.]

Okay, okay! You win!

[ Jim laughs at her reaction, but it's a short and breathless sound, gone quickly. His priority is to keep running after all, and he's dizzy enough as it is even without laughing or talking right now. ]

You're not gonna trick me into slowing down—! [ He has no idea if that's what she's doing, but better safe than sorry. If and when she actually slows down and stops, then he'll think about doing the same. For now, he's not going to afford her the opportunity to zip right past him the moment he lets his guard down. ]

[Oh for the love of! Rey shakes her head at him, slowing down her pace until she actually stops, giving Jim more than enough distance between them to see that, yes, he won. Rey was bent over a little, her hands on her knees as she catches her breath.]

Not...a trick... You won.

[And now she feels the blood rushing to her head, and the pounding from her heart is getting louder. It's...different than standing still. She only has to focus on breathing, and of course, making sure Jim was okay. He was out running longer than she was.]

[ It's only when there's a far more decent distance between them that he actually slows down, though he doesn't stop, laughing breathlessly and wooing in victory. He's panting heavily, and his lungs burn with each inhale, but his legs keep working anyway. He turns around, walking back to where she is, doubled over herself, then pats her on the shoulder. ]

Come on. Don't stop. Gotta ease your body into it. [ She can't just go from running to a full stop, or else tomorrow she won't be able to move, with the pain. He nods for her to follow him, as he resumes his brisk walking pace down the pathway. His breath is still heavy and labored, but with a bit of time it should calm down considerably, and so should hers. ]

[Oh she's already feeling the pain of it, and wishing she had heard that advice a moment ago. Another nod of her head and she starts to move a little and then resumes to follow him. ]

I'll remember that for next time.

[Because there will be a next time, considering she couldn't sleep well and possibly would crash hard once she was back at her place. Maybe this could become a routine of theirs: meeting up at the park at night to go running. Or..maybe they could actually talk about what's wrong.

...And Rey really doesn't know what to say to someone who has lost their lover..]

Do you really think this...is helping? [Helping him heal...or cope..or both.]

[ The pain and dizziness should go away soon enough. In any case, Jim doesn't intend to let them go their separate ways without doing a few last stretches to loosen up their muscles, as to minimize any pain and discomfort the next day. ]

I'll hold you to that.

[ He has to admit, having company on his jogs does sound far more interesting than doing it alone. Gives him something else to look forward to, for a change. ]

Hm? Yeah, sure. [ He pants softly, pursing his lips and shrugging. ] Well, it's better than sitting at a bar drinking and feeling sorry for myself.

We could do this again, you know. It's not bad having company for things like this.

[Someone to talk to, or try and race against. The feeling of not being alone, or being alone with her thoughts. The past few nights Rey has had to adjust to sleeping by herself again, and she can only imagine how painful that must be for Jim.]

Mm...but, if you need to talk about..what you're feeling. I'm here, and if your place feels small or...empty, you can come over to mine. [The words are spoken softly, showing empathy and understanding for her friend.]

Yeah. That'd be nice, actually. We could set up a schedule together, if you want.

[ Jogging, talking, or simply keeping each other company— really, Jim isn't particularly picky. He's tried the whole being alone with his own thoughts already, and he can't say it was working that well for him.

Walking alongside Rey, he glances at her, mustering a small smile as he looks down at the path ahead of them. ]

That's nice of you, Rey. I'll keep that in mind. [ He wouldn't want to intrude on her personal space, although that prompts a question— ] You live on your own?

Edited 2018-01-29 21:21 (UTC)

Sure, that'll be fine.

[Something to look forward to. Something to take her mind off of things as she tries to fix her own relationships with Poe and Finn. Something that doesn't have to deal with the Force or with Kylo Ren. Something that's simple, but still precious as his company.]

Yeah, just keep it in mind.

[There's a soft smile there but it's soon dropped as she looks ahead. There's a lump in her throat, but she swallows it down.]

Yeah, I moved out. In my own place in an apartment by the river. [Her voice is a little tight then, but she's trying to hide it. Did he know that she, Poe, and Finn all lived together at one point? She doesn't want to drag Jim into the middle of it.]

Really? [ He raises his eyebrows a little, canting his head. ] Huh. Me too. A loft with a view over the river. It's pretty nice there.

[ He means that, even if it doesn't feel like home, not like the house he shared with Bones did. But then, without the doctor here, no place really feels like home anymore.

He doesn't know whether she lived with someone else before, or if she just moved out from communal housing to be on her own, but he can still tell that something's wrong with her. Something that, much like himself, she doesn't seem at all eager to talk about— yet probably should. ]

What's going on with you?

Oh..we're neighbors then..kind of. I have a studio apartment, don't really need much.

[He moved out of the home he had previously then. Not that she could blame him. The space would've had too many memories and right now, those memories would be too painful to be around. Around every corner would be a memory, a remainder of what he's lost.

There's a long, deep breath. It's only fair. He said his boyfriend left, and what happened was small compared to that.]

I messed things up with Poe, and with Finn. We got into an argument, and it's my fault. [Because she was the one who made up that plan to learn from Ren. She was the one who told Leia, who got support from Leia and caused a rift between all four of them.] Moved out because it was technically Poe and Finn's place, and I just...haven't figured out how to fix things.

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