riverviewlogs | ( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

who: Jim Kirk & YOU
what: Bones is gone and Jim is coping with it the only way he knows how: poorly.
when: Jan 25th through to early February
where: bars, parks and streets, shuttle and beyond the walls
warnings: drinking, general weird moods, Jim being depressed, possible crying. don't expect anything else but will edit if need be. JUST GIVE HIM DISTRACTIONS.

I ▹ JUST ONE MORE GLASS

[ It's a few days before Jim actually leaves the house properly, though he still doesn't look all that great. He's combed his hair and put on mildly presentable clothes, but he's still sporting a short beard he hasn't cared to shave, and he's not looking like his usual cheerful self either.

During the first few days, it's all still a little too fresh on his mind, and his heart. He goes out but it's not with the intent of socializing so much as sitting by the bar on his own, asking the barkeep to pour him one glass after another. He spends most of the time staring down at the liquid swirling in his glass, gaze seldom lifting from the surface, though he will if someone happens to take a seat on the stool next to his.

He'll spare a vague smile if it's a stranger, and a few words if it's a familiar face: ] What brings you around here?

II ▹ MIDNIGHT RUN

[ It doesn't get better anytime soon. It's a process, Jim tries to tell himself, but he hates that he can't force himself to just be fine. He hates that he's nothing but a burden souring everyone's mood, and maybe that's why he thinks it would be for the best if he just avoided everyone.

On the other hand, he's lonely. He hates that. Can't stand being all alone in the empty loft when he leaves the guard. John's been putting up with him and keeping him company more often than not, but Jim knows that he can't very well hog all his time. He's got better things to do than stay with him.

So, when he can't sleep, and when he can't stand the deafening silence, he puts on running gear and goes out for a late night jog. There are always a few people around but it's generally quiet, and the parks are a good spot to just run until his legs hurt and his lungs burn. When he can't take it anymore and his head starts spinning, he lies down on the grass, staring up at the night sky. Anything to not be in his empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

III ▹ THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK

[ After the end of the month, the levels of self-pity start getting a little ridiculous. He finds himself equal parts sad and angry at himself that he's just letting himself go down a spiral, as much as he tries to tell himself he's coping just fine.

He needs to do something. Be useful. Resume his life in the Quarantine the best he can, cling to whatever is still steady and present and normal in his life: his work.

He shaves finally, tidies up his place, even irons clothes and buys some ready-to-eat meals to stock up his fridge, and he shows up at the Perimeter Guard after a week and some looking mostly like himself. He's not as cheerful, granted, but he doesn't avoid or ignore anyone, though it's obvious he focuses on his work more than anything else. As the days go by people might catch him yawning at odd times, rubbing at his tired eyes still sporting dark circles that are proof of his lack of sleep.

Out on the shuttle, he might even start to doze off halfway through a flight. Whoever's with him should probably take helm control and just tell him to sit back, or else Jim's grip on the shuttle might just slip, giving them the scare of their lives. ]

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[ Right now, he wouldn't take it as a burden so much as a comfort, a way to steer away from his own thoughts and focus on something else. Actually, he'd never see it as a burden, no matter what. That didn't mean he'd push her into talking to him if she didn't want to, though. If and when she felt like venting, he'd be here for her.

He shrugged at her condolences. It wasn't really her fault. It was no one's fault, actually. He knew better than to try to find some meaning to something he knew likely was completely random.

The challenge was much more welcome, though. He looked up, almost surprised, when she picked up pace, then with a breathless laugh he started running faster, until he was catching up to her. ]

[They needed this. The feeling of their hearts beating hard in their chests. Breathing in cold air so heavily. Something to take their minds off their pain. Even if Jim didn't see Rey's troubles as a burden, Rey would still see it as such. She didn't want to involve more people in that and make more of a mess.

Plus, she didn't want to lose Jim too if she told him what her plan was and yes, even she admits it was stupid. But right now, she wants to focus on trying to make Jim feel better. To provide a distraction for both of them until they can't run anymore.

Rey looked over her shoulder, giving Jim a childish grin as she tried to stay ahead of him.]

[ She should know well enough by now that challenging Jim like that was never a good idea. He narrowed his eyes at her grin, huffing out a breathless laugh before picking up his pace. If the rhythm and the burning sensation in his heart were likely to tire him out faster, he honestly didn't care.

Strides longer and faster, after a few seconds he was running past her, taking a sharp turn ahead on the path and picking up speed to put even more distance between them. Granted, he had no doubt Rey would soon catch up again, but for now he'd try to gain some lead on her. ]

[Rey knows well enough, but Jim needs a challenge. He needs a distraction, and who knows, maybe while they were gasping for air or on the brink of passing out they could talk about other bands or music from his time. She heard some of it when they were working on the shuttle together. They cracked jokes. They laughed and smiled when times were simpler...

And in time, those days would come back. In time, what they were feeling would be a distant memory, and maybe things would go back to normal.]

Hey!

[Oh no, he passed her! Rey tries to pick up the pace, being careful as she rounds a corner. Her lungs are burning, and she swears she can hear her own heart pounding away in her eardrums. She isn't one to give in though. She's going to keep pushing herself until she feels like she can't move anymore and slows down.]

Okay, okay! You win!

[ Jim laughs at her reaction, but it's a short and breathless sound, gone quickly. His priority is to keep running after all, and he's dizzy enough as it is even without laughing or talking right now. ]

You're not gonna trick me into slowing down—! [ He has no idea if that's what she's doing, but better safe than sorry. If and when she actually slows down and stops, then he'll think about doing the same. For now, he's not going to afford her the opportunity to zip right past him the moment he lets his guard down. ]

[Oh for the love of! Rey shakes her head at him, slowing down her pace until she actually stops, giving Jim more than enough distance between them to see that, yes, he won. Rey was bent over a little, her hands on her knees as she catches her breath.]

Not...a trick... You won.

[And now she feels the blood rushing to her head, and the pounding from her heart is getting louder. It's...different than standing still. She only has to focus on breathing, and of course, making sure Jim was okay. He was out running longer than she was.]

[ It's only when there's a far more decent distance between them that he actually slows down, though he doesn't stop, laughing breathlessly and wooing in victory. He's panting heavily, and his lungs burn with each inhale, but his legs keep working anyway. He turns around, walking back to where she is, doubled over herself, then pats her on the shoulder. ]

Come on. Don't stop. Gotta ease your body into it. [ She can't just go from running to a full stop, or else tomorrow she won't be able to move, with the pain. He nods for her to follow him, as he resumes his brisk walking pace down the pathway. His breath is still heavy and labored, but with a bit of time it should calm down considerably, and so should hers. ]

[Oh she's already feeling the pain of it, and wishing she had heard that advice a moment ago. Another nod of her head and she starts to move a little and then resumes to follow him. ]

I'll remember that for next time.

[Because there will be a next time, considering she couldn't sleep well and possibly would crash hard once she was back at her place. Maybe this could become a routine of theirs: meeting up at the park at night to go running. Or..maybe they could actually talk about what's wrong.

...And Rey really doesn't know what to say to someone who has lost their lover..]

Do you really think this...is helping? [Helping him heal...or cope..or both.]

[ The pain and dizziness should go away soon enough. In any case, Jim doesn't intend to let them go their separate ways without doing a few last stretches to loosen up their muscles, as to minimize any pain and discomfort the next day. ]

I'll hold you to that.

[ He has to admit, having company on his jogs does sound far more interesting than doing it alone. Gives him something else to look forward to, for a change. ]

Hm? Yeah, sure. [ He pants softly, pursing his lips and shrugging. ] Well, it's better than sitting at a bar drinking and feeling sorry for myself.

We could do this again, you know. It's not bad having company for things like this.

[Someone to talk to, or try and race against. The feeling of not being alone, or being alone with her thoughts. The past few nights Rey has had to adjust to sleeping by herself again, and she can only imagine how painful that must be for Jim.]

Mm...but, if you need to talk about..what you're feeling. I'm here, and if your place feels small or...empty, you can come over to mine. [The words are spoken softly, showing empathy and understanding for her friend.]

Yeah. That'd be nice, actually. We could set up a schedule together, if you want.

[ Jogging, talking, or simply keeping each other company— really, Jim isn't particularly picky. He's tried the whole being alone with his own thoughts already, and he can't say it was working that well for him.

Walking alongside Rey, he glances at her, mustering a small smile as he looks down at the path ahead of them. ]

That's nice of you, Rey. I'll keep that in mind. [ He wouldn't want to intrude on her personal space, although that prompts a question— ] You live on your own?

Edited 2018-01-29 21:21 (UTC)

Sure, that'll be fine.

[Something to look forward to. Something to take her mind off of things as she tries to fix her own relationships with Poe and Finn. Something that doesn't have to deal with the Force or with Kylo Ren. Something that's simple, but still precious as his company.]

Yeah, just keep it in mind.

[There's a soft smile there but it's soon dropped as she looks ahead. There's a lump in her throat, but she swallows it down.]

Yeah, I moved out. In my own place in an apartment by the river. [Her voice is a little tight then, but she's trying to hide it. Did he know that she, Poe, and Finn all lived together at one point? She doesn't want to drag Jim into the middle of it.]

Really? [ He raises his eyebrows a little, canting his head. ] Huh. Me too. A loft with a view over the river. It's pretty nice there.

[ He means that, even if it doesn't feel like home, not like the house he shared with Bones did. But then, without the doctor here, no place really feels like home anymore.

He doesn't know whether she lived with someone else before, or if she just moved out from communal housing to be on her own, but he can still tell that something's wrong with her. Something that, much like himself, she doesn't seem at all eager to talk about— yet probably should. ]

What's going on with you?

Oh..we're neighbors then..kind of. I have a studio apartment, don't really need much.

[He moved out of the home he had previously then. Not that she could blame him. The space would've had too many memories and right now, those memories would be too painful to be around. Around every corner would be a memory, a remainder of what he's lost.

There's a long, deep breath. It's only fair. He said his boyfriend left, and what happened was small compared to that.]

I messed things up with Poe, and with Finn. We got into an argument, and it's my fault. [Because she was the one who made up that plan to learn from Ren. She was the one who told Leia, who got support from Leia and caused a rift between all four of them.] Moved out because it was technically Poe and Finn's place, and I just...haven't figured out how to fix things.

Who knows. We might be actual neighbors, for all we know.

[ It would definitely be a strange coincidence, considering how many buildings there are near the river, but not impossible. Either way, he falls silent, focusing on his walk while he gives her the room to decide whether or not she wants to tell him what happened, and just how much she's willing to share about it. ]

I'm sorry, Rey. I didn't... know about that. [ Even though he works with Poe and sees him practically daily, they don't share what's happening with them all the time. And frankly, it hadn't even crossed Jim's mind that he should ask. Not about Rey, anyway.

He rests a hand on her shoulder, trying for a comforting touch. ] You know, if you're not in a rush to go back to your place, I was thinking of ordering some pizza. If you wanna join me... [ He shrugs. ]

[A strange coincidence, or maybe it was the universe trying to put two people who needed comfort near one another. Who knows. Rey wasn't about to question it, but it was a small comfort to know a friend wasn't too far from her.

There's a small shrug of her shoulders, but she appreciates the touch. Her hand comes up to rest on his before reaching out for a side hug. He needed the hug more than her, really.]

It's fine. Like I said, I'm the one who made a mess of things, and thought I should move to keep them both space.

[This wasn't bringing Jim into the fight, right? Just telling him they had a spat and she was at fault should be enough to keep things fine between Poe and Jim. Least this way Jim won't have to pick sides, which is what she thought made Finn do. And really, that was why. Poe and Finn were friends before her, so that's okay.

Jim's voice is enough to bring Rey back to the present. Pizza...had she tried that yet?]

I'm not in a rush to head back, not yet. [There were few very items left in boxes and the silence of the apartment was hard to deal with.] ...And I don't think I've tried pizza yet. What is it, exactly?

[ He's slightly surprised by the approach, but not the least bit bothered by it. Rather the opposite, if anything, and he moves his arm to wrap it around her shoulders, pulling her in a little closer and planting a quick peck on her temple. ]

Yeah... I get that.

[ He doesn't know what the fight is about, but he doesn't ask. He doesn't have to know right now, anyway. He likes Poe and he likes Rey both, and whatever she did did, even if it might be her fault, he's sure that she did so with no intention of hurting anyone. ]

What? You've never had pizza? Oh my God. [ Yep, adding that to their impromptu evening plans now. ] Okay, we need to fix that. Let's go back to my place, shower, pick some stupid comedy movie and I'll order us some pizza. [ A pause, ] You like beer, or would you rather have something else to drink?

[The hug was more for Jim, trying to be comforting for him and help him through his hard time. Instead, he's comforting her, and even pecks her temple. A sign of affection that she wasn't used to, so it catches her off guard a little, but it's still welcomed.

And it wasn't her intention of hurting anyone. She was trying to do the greater good. She was trying to help Ben and also keep him in line to prevent him from harming anyone else.

There's a weak chuckle from her.]

What? You make it sound like it's a bad thing. [The idea of a shower sounds really nice about now, especially to help with her aching muscles--and thankfully Cisco introduced Rey to movies, so she knows what that is at least.]

Beer? I don't think I've tried it, unless ale counts. I ...didn't like ale that much. [But hey, she was more than willing to try a beer, especially if it was something he wanted to do.]

All of that does sound nice. We can head back, shower, change, and watch a movie.

[ He eases his hold on her, but still lets his arm rest loosely around her shoulders as they walk down the path. It's a small gesture of affection that he honestly finds comfort in. ]

Oh, it's not bad. It's absolutely tragic. Pizza is so good. You'll see. [ He nudges for her to follow him off the path, so they can take a detour and go through the quickest route towards his place. ]

Alright, we'll try a beer. If you don't like it, no harm done. I've got other stuff for you to pick from.

[Her arm hasn't left his side. They both need the contact right now, proof that they weren't alone and the moment wasn't about to slip through their fingers. Or that none of this was some very vivid dream.

Rey can't help but roll her eyes a little at him.]

Think you're over exaggerating, Jim.

[Teasing a little, something familiar and comforting all at once.]

Just as long as I don't drink too much. I woke up with a horrible headache afterwards. [And in someone else's bed, kissing him and though she was in pain...it was still nice, very nice.

She's following his lead, heading towards his place and thinking about stopping off at hers just to grab a change of clothes.]

Edited 2018-01-29 23:39 (UTC)

[ He barks a laugh at her, waving a finger in her general direction. ]

Save your judgment for when you've actually tried some pizza. Trust me, I'm not exaggerating.

[ Funnily enough, joking around with Rey brings him more relief and peace of mind than running did before, and he finds that he actually does look forward to their unplanned movie night. ]

Alright, just a bottle then. That's not a lot. [ And not nearly enough for her to end up on his bed or anything, really. ]

[Laughter. It's refreshing. She hasn't heard him laugh or laughter in the last few days. It's nice and a very much a welcomed distraction.]

Uh-huh. How about you explain what pizza is, and we'll go from there.

[A nod of her head. One bottle shouldn't do too much damage. It won't make her want to go throw up, or make her head ache.]

Think I could grab a change of clothes from my place? Or, I could meet you at yours. I'd hate to waste your hot water. [Because..she might. She's actually learned to enjoy a hot shower, especially when it's just herself.]

Edited 2018-01-30 00:52 (UTC)

[ He sighs, dropping his head a little. ]

Fine. It's this... bread dough, stretched out to form a thin base, usually round, though it can be made in other shapes too. You put tomato sauce and cheese on top, then add whatever ingredients you like. Some are more popular, like bacon, pepperoni, mushrooms. That sort of stuff. But explaining it doesn't really do it justice at all. You have to try it.

[ He's sure she'll love it, that much is obvious. If for whatever reason she doesn't, he'll likely be sorely disappointed. ]

Yeah, we can swing by yours, it's no problem. And I don't mind you wasting my hot water, but whatever you prefer doing, I'm good either way.

[Okay, the more Jim talks about it, the more interested Rey is in it. So it's like a sandwich (dough or bread) but it's all on one side, with a variety of things on top.]

Uh-huh, it does sound...interesting. But what toppings would you get? I've tried bacon and that is amazing in itself.

[She had it in a sandwich once, and it was truly remarkable. Literally, she wanted to eat nothing but the bacon bits, but Rey is trying to maintain a healthy diet otherwise, she might be back at the hospital again and she wants to avoid that at all costs.]

You're too kind, you know that? [Really. It wasn't so much as a sleep over like she had with Marco, but she was going to Jim's for pizza, beer, and a movie. She would simply grab a change of clothing that were not pajamas and spend time with Jim in his flat.] I think that's my building there. [She points to one of the closer ones and already goes into the pocket of her pants to take out her small key.] You can come up, I won't be too long. Just, ignore the one or two boxes, still unpacking some items.

Whatever toppings I feel like having. I like bacon, peppers, olives, pepperoni— you can add just about anything you want. Is there any topping you'd like to try?

[ Well, she can toss food names into the air, in case they're used as pizza toppings. Jim's not particularly picky, so long as it's not pickles or berries. He'll skip on corn too, if he can. ]

I've been told. I take it as a compliment. [ He smiles, then nods. ] It's alright. I've got a box or two still sitting in the corner of my living room, so I get it. [ He follows her towards the building she pointed out, waiting for her to open the door and stepping inside after her. His place is just a few doors down the street actually, so they really are neighbors, it seems. ]

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