riverviewlogs | ( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

who: Jim Kirk & YOU
what: Bones is gone and Jim is coping with it the only way he knows how: poorly.
when: Jan 25th through to early February
where: bars, parks and streets, shuttle and beyond the walls
warnings: drinking, general weird moods, Jim being depressed, possible crying. don't expect anything else but will edit if need be. JUST GIVE HIM DISTRACTIONS.

I ▹ JUST ONE MORE GLASS

[ It's a few days before Jim actually leaves the house properly, though he still doesn't look all that great. He's combed his hair and put on mildly presentable clothes, but he's still sporting a short beard he hasn't cared to shave, and he's not looking like his usual cheerful self either.

During the first few days, it's all still a little too fresh on his mind, and his heart. He goes out but it's not with the intent of socializing so much as sitting by the bar on his own, asking the barkeep to pour him one glass after another. He spends most of the time staring down at the liquid swirling in his glass, gaze seldom lifting from the surface, though he will if someone happens to take a seat on the stool next to his.

He'll spare a vague smile if it's a stranger, and a few words if it's a familiar face: ] What brings you around here?

II ▹ MIDNIGHT RUN

[ It doesn't get better anytime soon. It's a process, Jim tries to tell himself, but he hates that he can't force himself to just be fine. He hates that he's nothing but a burden souring everyone's mood, and maybe that's why he thinks it would be for the best if he just avoided everyone.

On the other hand, he's lonely. He hates that. Can't stand being all alone in the empty loft when he leaves the guard. John's been putting up with him and keeping him company more often than not, but Jim knows that he can't very well hog all his time. He's got better things to do than stay with him.

So, when he can't sleep, and when he can't stand the deafening silence, he puts on running gear and goes out for a late night jog. There are always a few people around but it's generally quiet, and the parks are a good spot to just run until his legs hurt and his lungs burn. When he can't take it anymore and his head starts spinning, he lies down on the grass, staring up at the night sky. Anything to not be in his empty bed, staring up at the ceiling. ]

III ▹ THROW YOURSELF INTO YOUR WORK

[ After the end of the month, the levels of self-pity start getting a little ridiculous. He finds himself equal parts sad and angry at himself that he's just letting himself go down a spiral, as much as he tries to tell himself he's coping just fine.

He needs to do something. Be useful. Resume his life in the Quarantine the best he can, cling to whatever is still steady and present and normal in his life: his work.

He shaves finally, tidies up his place, even irons clothes and buys some ready-to-eat meals to stock up his fridge, and he shows up at the Perimeter Guard after a week and some looking mostly like himself. He's not as cheerful, granted, but he doesn't avoid or ignore anyone, though it's obvious he focuses on his work more than anything else. As the days go by people might catch him yawning at odd times, rubbing at his tired eyes still sporting dark circles that are proof of his lack of sleep.

Out on the shuttle, he might even start to doze off halfway through a flight. Whoever's with him should probably take helm control and just tell him to sit back, or else Jim's grip on the shuttle might just slip, giving them the scare of their lives. ]

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[ Rather than help himself to another slice, he just closed the lid, setting his plate and both beers on top of it so he could carry it all to the living area. The box was set down on the floor unceremoniously, and he opened both beer bottles and put them on the floor as well, then helped himself to a big slice. ]

The cheese, then, please. [ He hopped up onto the couch, folding a leg as he turned a little to face her, holding his plate out so she could sprinkle some of that cheese over his slice. ]

[...Well, okay then. Rey didn't want to make a mess in his new apartment, but having the pizza box on the floor would definitely work. To each their own, she wasn't going to judge! She moved next to him, tearing open the cheese packet first and sprinkling it on his pizza.]

That enough?

[If it was, she put the packet on her plate, and if not, she added more until it was the right amount. For her first bite, she didn't want to have anything taking away from the taste. She looked at Jim, then at her slice and took a bite...

The cheese melted in her mouth and the toppings were great, and the bread had a good crunch sound to it. Her eyes went wide, experiencing pizza for the first time, and she can't believe no one told her about it until now. She really should've been more adventurous with her food.]

...this is...much better than I anticipated.

[Jim was right. Really, he was. She sprinkled a little bit of the cheese on her slice and found it made the slice cheesier...but not what she was looking for.]

Did you have this often? Back on your world?

[ He hummed and nodded on the amount of cheese, then he pulled his plate back towards himself. He waited for her to take her first bite, though, curious to see what her reaction would be.

It didn't surprise him in the least, of course. Pizza was delicious, and she'd have to be a weirdly picky eater for her not to enjoy it. He smiled happily, pleased at her reaction. ]

Told you.

[ He took a bite from his own slice, swallowing it down before he answered her question. ]

Mm, not very often, no. Before coming here, I think the last time I had some pizza was... oh, years ago, really. Probably when I was still at the Academy.

Hmm, I would've thought you'd go out for this quite often.

[Unless, as Captain, he couldn't eat this sort of thing. Rey knew ships could only carry a certain amount of supplies on them, and things like produce would easily spoil out on long trips. But, if given the choice, she can't imagine saying 'no' to something like this.

She tears open the crushed red pepper, adding some of the red flakes on her pizza. Another bite, and goodness, it tasted so much better. Rey grabbed a napkin to wipe away the grease from the pizza before reaching for the bottle of beer.]

What type is this? [She asked taking a whiff of it before taking a sip. Oh...it was bitter, but not the same level as ale. She quickly chased it with another bite of pizza...

.....strange, but they complimented each other.]

Please, like I ever had the time to go out and have pizza.

[ He did spend most of his time on a starship in deep space. And it's not as though pizza's that easy to find on other planets. Sometimes on starbases and the like he could get his hands on some, but it certainly wasn't a common dish for him. ]

Oh, just... wheat beer. It's not too strong, and goes well with anything.

[ Not that Jim was particularly picky about his beer, mind. He took a decent sip from his own bottle, watching her quietly as she had a taste, then went back to her slice of pizza. He chuckled around a mouthful of food, shaking his head. ]

I don't know. I don't know if your ship could replicate things, or if you could...order it?

[Really, there wasn't much Rey knew about Jim's world, other than he was the Captain of a ship, interspace travel was accessible, and he traveled to different planets. He was also part of the Starship Federation...but that was it. She figured with him being captain, it kept him busy, but she didn't know if pizza was more of a planet thing or something that was easily accessible.][The beer does go well with the pizza, and she sees Jim shaking her head at her.]

What? [What was with that stare? Come on, Jim, do it before she teases you about it.]

There are different alcohols from different planets, none that I've experienced, but this is different than what was served at yule and at the ball. It doesn't taste too bitter.

[ He was briefly amused by the mental image of a shuttle flying over to the Enterprise just to deliver pizza, but this time he managed to refrain from laughing. ]

We do have replicators, but it's not common for people to pick those sorts of foods. During long trips, replicator rations can dwindle at times, even when recycling leftovers, so I tried not to pick meals quite so... lacking in nutrition value.

[ Not to mention that Bones was always on his case about what he ate, making sure he ate mostly healthy. The thought brought a sadder smile to his lips, though he managed to push the thoughts of the doctor away fairly quickly. Instead he focused on Rey, answering that quizzical look. ]

Nothing. Well, nothing bad, you're just... cute, is all. [ He nodded, looking down at his own beer. ] You tried ale, right? It's generally stronger and thicker in taste, and more bitter too. But there are plenty of other alcoholic drinks, very different from beer. Some are even so incredibly sweet that you can barely taste the alcohol.

[Rey listens to him, taking a special interest in how his ship dealt with food. On Jakku, they only had portions that were given out by Plutt, and Plutt decided how much a person would get. He wasn't fair, but at least Rey did enough (and then some) to earn some food. It was interesting to hear they still had to ration their replicator food. Their worlds weren't too different from one another, were they?

Her eyes drift over to the pizza, and she holds back a sigh. Nutritional value...yes, she was skipping out on a few things with this meal wasn't she? Not the healthiest, but tomorrow she'd make up for it.]

Something more substantial...that's understandable. You can't deprive your body of certain things.

[There's a roll of her eyes being told she was 'cute'.] Nothing about me is 'cute.' [Because shew as just eating pizza, and drinking beer and had some....interesting facial expressions.] I haven't tried much alcohol, but I did try something that had the word 'honey' in it, and a lot of champagne. Only way to get through the night at that ball.

[And woke up with a hangover...but she also woke up to Ben in bed, and that made her cheeks warm up a little.]

I'll make sure to avoid those types of drink--if I taste the alcohol, I'll at least know when to stop. But, you said something about a movie? Did you still want to watch one? [Didn't matter to her if they did or not. They could keep talking and enjoy the pizza and the beer. Both of which she was starting to like.]

[ Well, even in an ideal future it is a little difficult to conjure something up out of nowhere. Replicators are fascinating equipment, in the sense that they can recycle just about anything and the level of waste is so negligible that it's practically nonexistent, but when there's a possibility that they might be stuck on the ship for months on end without so much as an M class planet they can beam down to, supplies do need to be rationed and used in a smart and sensible way. ]

That's just a matter of opinion. I think you're cute. [ He shrugs, like that's not even open for argument. FIGHT HIM, whatever. ] Honey wine? [ He asks curiously, eyebrow raising and nodding. Makes sense that she'd prefer it that way, really. Sweet drinks are good for those who don't like the taste of alcohol much, but it's definitely harder to control the intake. ]

Oh, [ He chuckles, reaching for the remote nearby and turning on the TV. ] Yeah, sure, let's put one on. Here. [ He pulls up a list of comedy movies available, scrolling down slowly. ] Pick one. This is my list of favorites, so I promise they're all really good. Well, at least enjoyable.

[One of these days, they were going to talk about their worlds in great detail. How planets were classified, how their star systems were classified, their calendar years, and all the nity-gritty details. How similar but vastly different their technologies were, and maybe what they could do to bring some parts of it to Quarantine.

And no, it's not an argument because Rey is right, and Jim is too stubborn to see it that way. She merely rolls her eyes at him, letting out a slight huff.]

Maybe you should get your eye sight checked. [Another bite of pizza with Rey reaching for the crushed red pepper to sprinkle more of it on her pizza.] Honey...whiskey I think is what it was called. It was still strong, but it gave me a break from the champagne. [And considering she didn't have much experience with alcohol prior to the event...she might have over done it.

She looks at the TV then back to him.]

I've only seen ...[Give her a moment to think about it, it's been sometime since she's seen a movie. Last time was with Marco...] 2 movies, one of which was the Princess Bride, and the other I can't remember, but maybe...that one? [It's towards the middle of his list. Movies were so different than holo-vids, but still entertaining nonetheless...]

...Did you watch a lot of movies too while you were Captain or at the Academy?

[ There is a lot of information there to share, but Jim wouldn't mind that in the least. It'd probably take months to really tell her that much information about his galaxy, and that's without even getting into too many details, but it certainly would be an interesting challenge, and something they could both work on and look forward to. ]

20/20. I do my regular check-ups, just so you know. [ Just accept the compliment and let it go, Rey, it's easier for everyone involved. ] Mm, yeah. It can be hard to tell how strong whiskey is when it's too sweet, but trust me, it's a really potent drink. Wouldn't recommend it for beginners.

[ Hence the beer— that works best in a lot of levels, and for a lot of situations, even if at times the taste gets a bit of getting used to. She seems to be enjoying it, though, so he'll call that a win.

Looking at the title she stops him at, he nods, then hits play. Some movie about mean girls in high school, should be funny and entertaining. ]

Yeah, I love movies. That, and books. Usually older stuff, but I'm not too picky. [ He points a finger at her. ] Princess Bride is fun, though. You really gotta watch more stuff.

[It would take weeks, maybe months for them to sort through and compare their different galaxies. Perhaps it could be something they talked about together, or got others involved like Poe...he probably had been to many other planets than her. Thinking of her friend sobered Rey. Guilt crept into her heart making her slow down in her consumption of the beer. She was half way through it anyway.]

You need another check-up. [Nope, not going to accept a compliment with how much shit she's dealing with, but if Jim continued to push back...she wouldn't keep arguing. Not after that.] It's why I only had a shot of it, and I drank that slowly. It was a bit strong, and I nearly coughed a few times.

[A movie about girls in high school who were mean--never mind that Rey didn't have an understanding of what 'High School,' was, but it felt like the opening was set up for some sort of field study? Documentary possibly?

Another roll of her eyes.]

It's not the end of the world if I've only seen three movies. I can spend my time reading..meditating...trying not to screw up things. [The last part was muttered under her breath as she went for her beer again.]

[ Poe had shared a fair amount about his world so far, that was true. But he also wanted to hear about it from Rey, if nothing else then because it offered a different perspective. He figured it was for the best that he didn't bring up the pilot right now, though, not if she was having trouble with her friends. He knew all too well how unpleasant it was to have someone touch a sore spot like that.

Luckily for her, he simply shrugged and left it at that, whether or not she accepted the compliment. He still meant it, so whatever. ] Started on the hard stuff, huh. Beer's usually a first drink where I'm from, although champagne can be easy enough to drink too, in small amounts. It's just a drink that's more often used to celebrate something.

[ Jim chuckled a bit at the introduction. High schools weren't an entirely foreign concept to him at least, though they were quite different in his time. He'd watched his fair share of old movies to relate to the one showing on the screen though, so there was that. ] Of course it isn't— some people go whole lives not even watching one. I'm just saying— if you've enjoyed those three, then there's so much for you to find out still.

[ He smiled, though it waned a little at her last remark. Nodding solemnly, he tried to think of the best, most sensible thing to say. He didn't want her getting even more upset. ] Hey, that's... friends argue sometimes. Get upset at each other. Happens all the time. If they're really your friends, though, and if you do care about each other, you'll find a way to work it out eventually.

[Jim, you shouldn't be giving compliments to Rey. She doesn't take well to them, but maybe she could grow to like them...maybe. They still felt weird.

There's a huff of a chuckle. Yes, she started on the hard stuff.] Well, I started on champagne, and after a while I didn't like how bubbly it was, and then went for the whiskey. Something to break things up...and then more champagne. Eating or drinking seemed to be the best ways to deal with the ball.

[Because of how many people continued to stare at her, and how she wasn't used to the attention. And of course, the alcohol made it easier to tolerate people. Made it easier to talk to Ren, and made it easier to go with him back to his place and...sleep together.] I don't know if I've enjoyed the second movie, I began to fall asleep half way through. [And he was the third person, after Marco and Cisco, that she should watch more movies. Something 'entertaining.']

Like what? What other movies should I be watching? [Because clearly, he needs to educate her in this. Or at least aide in her education on the cinematic experience.

Rey listened to Jim's words, nodding her head a little. They were her friends, or at least that's what she thought. They hadn't abandoned her like the other scavengers had on Jakku. But they did storm out of the apartment...which wasn't the same, but..best to push those thoughts out of the way.]

...Maybe. It's...complicated. [Very complicated, but she'll leave it at that and instead focus on the movie.]

...so I'm confused, is this supposed to be funny, or is this really about observing these...people?

[ It's fine, he's a patient guy when he has to be. He'll just try again later, gently every time until she learns to accept the compliments. HE'LL GET THERE. ]

Damn, girl. You're kind of hardcore. [ He's grinning and chuckling, though, evidently amused as well as impressed. Usually people who start with whiskey and the like tend to swear off alcohol for a while afterwards, but that's obviously not the case with her. Good to know. ]

Mm, don't know. There are plenty of genres. Adventure, drama, scifi, thriller, horror... not just comedy. A few adventure flicks come to mind that you might enjoy, if you wanna give them a try. I'll try and find them for you. [ ~~Indiana Jones he's going to show her Indiana Jones.~~

He nods quietly at her answer, and for now decides not to press. For the best, probably. It's all too fresh for her and he doesn't want to upset her; if and when she feels like venting, he'll be around. Quite literally too, considering how close they live to each other now. ]

Oh. It's... difficult to explain. Like, high school is a very complex place, socially speaking. You have groups and cliques, people who are popular and people who aren't. Popular people create trends— everyone wants to be with them, or to be like them. But they're sort of... fake, you know? There's not a lot of honesty in those cliques, not a lot of real friendships. In my time it's not so bad anymore, society as a whole mostly grew out of that. But this movie is from a couple centuries before then, so... things were very different.

Anyway, this is just mocking that kind of environment. Comedy used as a means of criticism. It's funny because it's... well, honestly, completely ridiculous. [ He shrugs at her. ] Makes sense?

What? I only had a shot and I nursed that... [And she paid for it afterwards. The alcohol mixed with little in her stomach had her lower her inhibitions to the point where she cuddled with Ben. She had no trouble trying to steal kisses from him, or tried to hug him.]

Okay? I mean, it wouldn't be a bad thing. Do a run and maybe see a movie afterwards. [Gave them something to look forward to. Not just the running, but unwinding with a movie. If anything it meant they could sit comfortably with one another in silence as they watched. A way for them to bond and a way for them to have someone else around. Right now, during such a vulnerable time for both of them, they needed to be around people. Being alone did more damage than anything.

It intensified the pain. It intensified the loneliness, the feeling that maybe it was better to be alone. At least for Rey, that's what it felt like at times.

~~He should show her Indiana Jones so she can be shocked to see Han as something else.~~

She listened to his explanation of this thing called 'High School,' trying her best to understand. Why was being 'popular' important? But, then again, in certain factions, there was a leader. Someone who called the shots. However, they weren't at war---and she was really over thinking the entire thing It was a comedy, something to laugh at and not point and try to figure out what it all meant and the 'whys' behind it.]

I guess? It's like they're trying to survive, but it's nothing compared to the real world. They find packs, make alliances and try to get through it. It is ridiculous, but...[She turned away from the movie to look at Jim with a bewildered expression.]

Why do they wear pink on Wednesdays?

Running-slash-movie nights. That works for me, yeah. [ It was turning out to be one of the nicest nights he'd had since Bones had left, so if there was a chance they could do it again, he'd be all too glad for it. ]

Yeah, exactly. Something like survival, but without the actual element of your life being at risk. Well, not unless you consider social life, which a lot of people in high school do. Fitting in and having friends is important, particularly to developing teenagers. No one likes feeling like a pariah, kept on the outside looking in.

[ Jim would know, he often felt that way. Even when he was popular and had friends (and more than just friends), he often still felt like an outcast growing up, not quite belonging anywhere. And he could say with absolute certainty that it wasn't easy. ]

Beats me. [ He shrugged. ] A trend, I guess. A way to assert their... I don't know, dominance or relevance among their colleagues. Don't ask me, I never wore matching clothes with anyway when I was in school.

Or just a running night, then running-slash-movie night. [It wouldn't have to be a running then movie night every time. Besides, she'd hate to start using more of his soap and shampoo than necessary. Jim probably wouldn't care, but Rey would. She didn't want to freeload off of him. Or, maybe she should just start keeping a bag by the door that had spare towels and tiny bottles of soap.]

No...no one wants that even past their ages.

[She wanted friends, but the other scavengers were all loners, or used each other for their own gains. There wasn't a community between them, just individuals working only when necessary.]

I figured you wouldn't have done it. It's not very...you. [To wear matching outfits or be catty, or judge others in such a black and white way.] Still don't get it, they make themselves a bigger target that way.

[ He definitely wouldn't care about something so silly, but if keeping things around helped her feel less bad about using up his stuff then he wouldn't stop her, really. One way or the other, he wouldn't mind. ]

Right. Humans are social creatures. We may not all feel the need to be popular, but everyone likes to have some friends, people they get along with.

[ It could get terribly lonely otherwise. Even Jim had felt that way at times, and he was always surrounded by his whole crew, a few of them being close friends of his. ]

Why, thank you. I'm touched. [ Do Starfleet uniforms count as matching outfits, though... ] They don't really see it that way, I guess. They see it as being in the spotlight, the center of attention.

[There was a moment of silence followed by a slight nod of her head, starting to become engrossed by the movie. The main character, the reporter...she was becoming one of those popular girls. Why?! What was the allure? The friends who were fake?]

No one likes to be alone, but...the price she's willing to pay...it's going to come back to haunt her.

[Who knows if it would be later on in the movie, or maybe there would be some sort...time skip? Who knows, Rey was becoming more invested in the film, but she understood a lot about loneliness. She knew what it was like to be on the outside and waiting for something to happen.]

Who would want that much attention--never mind.

[Maybe she would never find out, but her gaze flickered over to Jim to see how he was doing. After all, she was here to make sure Jim was okay. If he was handling things...]

Do you want more pizza or beer?

That's the whole point of the movie, I think.

[ A lesson, in a weird sort of way. Although Jim preferred enjoying it more as a comedy than looking for some deeper meaning in the story. It was meant to be taken as a joke, watched for a few laughs, and Jim intended to take it that way.

Actually, after the days he'd had, he would much rather not think too much about anything at all. Light and fun was just easier to deal with.

He glanced at Rey at the question, momentarily distracted from the movie. ]

Slice of pizza, if you can hand it over. [ She was sitting closer to the box now, so it would be easier for her to get him a slice. He finished up the last bit on his hand, swatting it clean on his sweatpants before taking a sip from his beer. ]

[Jim will have to forgive Rey's analytical mind. She wasn't used to having something fun to watch for the sake of it. Everything behind what she did had a purpose. It was either for her job, to keep her mind in tact, or a puzzle she wanted to figure out. She didn't do much for fun back on Jakku, except flight simulations, but she wasn't about to build that...

Yet. Maybe it would be beneficial for her to build a flight simulation computer. Piloting the shuttle was one thing, actually testing her skills in a mock up of a x-wing in flight and battling against the ~~First Order~~ Empire was something else.

A nod of her head, opening the box to take another slice of pizza out to pass over to him. She grabbed her napkin again, wiping her fingers free of grease and cheese. Her questions came to a halt, finally able to relax and simply enjoying the movie for what it was. Every now and then her gaze would flicker over to Jim, just to see how he was, or to grab her bottle of beer and take another sip of it.]

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( open ) last night I felt real arms around me

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