Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Memoriessss
when: During October
where: Dreamscape / First person visions
warnings: Attempted suicide, will add if others come up


[ Thor and Loki ]

[ Everything in this memory is golden. The firelight that flickers across the halls, the play of shadow and warmth. Even Loki’s shadow does not seem intimidating to Thor’s boisterous yell for “Another!” as the cup smashes into the open firepit. They stand together, as close as brothers can be. Joking, laughing. Thor’s loud voice remains a direct contrast to Loki’s smooth steady tone. As a servant hands Thor his helmet, Loki watches him swallow, the only hint of nerves in his indomitable brother. Loki starts with a low tease, drawing out another chuckle and jest from Thor.

“I was being sincere!”

“You are incapable of sincerity.”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

There is no sign that Thor’s words bother Loki. After all, Loki is perceptive. He can often read between lines. His voice is low and soft, but unwavering.

“I have waited for this day as long as you have. You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes, I am envious. But never doubt that I love you.”

Thor clasps his hand over Loki’s neck and again, it is old jokes between them. As it has always been. ]

[ Letting Go ]

[ Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Loki loses his grip. Sometimes Thor is holding his hand and he lets go. Sometimes it is Odin . . . the variations are endless as they play on his psyche. This time, it was different. It feels fresh, like he’s seeing it for the first time. The Bifrost shatters, an explosion of every colour that all vision goes blind and it seems it will never recover. He’s screaming, or believes he is when his flailing arm connects with Gungnir and Thor grasps the other end —

— And there is Odin. The three of them, hanging off the edge of the world. He wants to cry, his face crumpling. This was it, his shame painted across Asgard in red. But this was his father. Just moments ago, Loki killed Laufey for him. Surely, surely, his father will understand. He must. He has to.

“No, Loki.”

And like that, a calm descends upon Loki’s face. Ah, it seems to say. No more lies. The wind and the Void howls but Loki can hear nothing. Thor is begging, but Loki cannot see. Slowly, his grip loosens until he releases his fingers from Gungnir.

And he falls. Until all the stars are blotted out. Loki thinks he hears Thor scream but the Void has swallowed the sound whole. ]

[ Loki and Odin ]

[ Odin’s command comes too late as Loki rests his hands on the sides of the Casket. Even with his back turned, Loki’s voice comes as a hissed whisper, full of quiet anger and confusion, ready to spill over.

“Am I cursed?”

Odin says no, claiming Loki is his son. But Loki is no longer convinced. Not longer uncertain. He turns around slowly, feeling the taint of blue skin as he walks closer. Loki carefully disassembles Odin’s words until Odin starts telling the truth. About Jotunheim and Loki. Laufeyson. Loki’s face crumbles as it goes on, barely holding onto his calm. The monster that people tell their children about at night. Finally, one feeling wins and that is rage, pure and unadulterated. Loki screams at his father, each step more threatening than the next, even as Odin falters, barely on his knees before he collapses. Loki’s expression cracks, all the anger wiped clean. He bends to reach out to his father, to ascertain his health —

— But he’s afraid and his fingers stop short. Loki is scared to touch his father, knowing the truths that were just imparted on him. After a few seconds, Loki lets his hand rest on top of his father’s, watching the quiet heave of his chest before he calls the guards in a panic. Guards, help him! Please! ]

[ Loki is crowned King ]

[ It is a beautiful chamber, golden and bright, but not overwhelmingly so. And it is a large bed that takes up the space in the room, Odin’s quiet breaths barely heard over the stillness. Loki and Frigga sit on opposite sides. Loki seems muted, dwelling on something while Frigga tells him that she asked Odin to be honest from the beginning. ”There should be no secrets in the family.” For a terse few seconds, Loki says nothing before asking, ”So why did he lie?”

Frigga’s reasoning is clear. "So that you would never feel different. You are our son. And we love you. You must know that."

Loki’s expression doesn’t change. They discuss Odin’s state as Frigga rubs the All-Father’s hand reassuringly. She advises him not to lose hope. For his father. For Thor. It is the topic of Thor that has Loki’s expression tighten, hard to read. Finally he decides to get up, walking away with purpose from the bed. It’s clear he’s had enough, that this is too much for him to discuss anymore. But his head jerks up at the sound of the doors opening. The Einhenjar stand at the entrance and bow, their hands clasped to their chest. Loki stares, stunned as one of the oldest of Asgard’s advisors stride into the room and stand in front of Loki with . . . Gungnir. He bows and Loki’s expression creases in confusion and fear before he turns to his mother.

“Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until Odin awakens, Asgard is yours.”

Loki continues to stare. He’s lost, even as he turns back to Gungnir. The advisor raises it higher but Loki does not reach for it. Does not even think to do so. The sound of crows can be heard as Loki carefully raises his head and lets the advisor deposit the spear into his open palms. His fingers curl around them loosely, a strangeness seeping into his veins.

“Make your father proud,” Frigga says with a faint bow, “My king.”

Finally, he tightens his grip on the spear, something akin to a smile, but it’s awkward and it falls flat as his eyes widen. King.

Comments

action;

[hevenly]

[ Angela knows right away, this is no dream. She's in Asgard, but it is not the Asgard she knows. Everything is dark, and golden. It lacks the old stonework and creeping vines of the Asgard she saw.

And there is... a bed. The largest bed she's ever seen, with old Odin lying in it. She scowls at the dreadful opulence of it before she notices who is sitting by Odin's bedside. Her not-brother. And across from him... What must be his mother, Odin's queen. This universe's Freyja.

She steps closer, edging over to Loki's side, listening silently to their conversation. All the while, she watches Loki's expression closely. When he stands to leave, however, she stays put, gazing down at the face of her not-father. He looks weakened, in this state. Yet somehow just as powerful as her Odin.

Het attention is drawn as the doors open and the guards outside kneel. Curious, she watches the rest of the memory play out. Not-Freyja explaining the line of succession. Loki accepting the scepter and thus the rule of Asgard...

And then she wakes.

She does not fall back asleep, instead sitting up and thinking over what she has seen. In the morning, she goes down to the kitchen for breakfast. When Loki comes in, she knows she must tell him what she saw in her dream. ]

Brother... Tell me, what is the Odinsleep? [ She pauses, starts over. ] I had the strangest dream last night.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki had felt it. The creeping conscious on his mind. He's far too familiar with mental touches not to tell when someone else has intruded. It was like being gutted, night after night. No spellwork he has seems to prevent his memories from seeping through and he's highly considering not sleeping at all. He's done it a few times before. Surely it can't be that hard. He runs a hand through his hair, tugging at the strands when Angela's question has him tensing. A few minutes pass before the tension fades. ]

It is a form of rest that the All-Father falls under. He has to replenish his energy every few centuries or so.

[ His tone is deliberately calm and cool. But because Loki hates himself, he asks anyway. ]

What did you see?

[hevenly]

I saw the All-Father, at rest. [ She pauses, before continuing, ] I saw a conversation which perhaps should have been kept private.

[ She looks away for a moment, and when her gaze returns to Loki, there is something pointed in her eyes. ]

I saw you become king.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki can't help the sharp bark of laughter. ]

Are you sure? Asgard would protest mightily that my kingship had no legitimacy, since Thor was not around.

[ He only needs to remember Sif's dark looks aimed across the room. The Warriors Three were pensive at best. Old anger comes up like the tide, but fades away quickly too. Loki did not have the energy to sustain it. ]

dreamscape;

[krasnaya_vdova]

[This isn't the first time that Ava's dreams have been tampered with. Her connection to Natasha had meant that she'd spent about two years with her dreams being full of memories and feelings that weren't her own. But this is thankfully not just whispers, but something that seems almost real; different enough to not trigger that fear that old connections weren't as broken as they'd seemed.

She watches, the memory playing out before her and there's a horrified sort of understanding as she watches Loki, the way his face almost seems younger. Blue skin and red eyes. Things slip into place, like pieces of a puzzle she hadn't quite realized were missing. There had been that strange way he'd reacted to her, but hadn't judged her, and suddenly she sees why. It's painful to watch, even if it's not her pain, the way he talks about monsters and bedtime stories. She can't find the words, even as the scene fades out; Odin fallen and the guards rushing in.

There's a darkness left behind that seems both real and not, dream and memory. Loki stands there and Ava watches him carefully for a breath.]

Loki?

[Her tone isn't sharp, neither pity nor judgement, but a soft sort of empathy.]

[dothelokimotion]

Don't.

[ He wants nothing from her. He wants her to stop looking, but it's clear she's seen everything and Loki is drowning again. Cut her tongue out but he couldn't, not after knowing what she looks like, what her form really seems like. His heart aches, seeing a father he once knew, a form he wants banished into nothingness, a moment when he thought I could do it, I can make this right.

A child's delusion. ]

It's not the same and I will not hear it.

[krasnaya_vdova]

I would never say it was.

[Her voice stays soft, watching him, a slight frown that briefly tugs at her lips, a flicker of offense that he thinks she would.]

That hurt isn't the same as mine. And I'm not so much a child to think these things can really be compared.

[Just like Bucky's hurt isn't the same, either. There's a difference between empathy and feeling like you can call someone else's pain your own, equate it out to something else.

But there are things that can be shared, even if they're not the same. But she doesn't think he needs or wants her to point that out, so she doesn't.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki rears back with a hiss at the word child like he's been slapped. It is clear he's barely hanging out, his voice outpacing his thoughts. ]

Then what? Do you think this is solidarity? You could never be like a Frost Giant, you with your ties to your heroes and their open acceptance. To know you were born a monster and they pretended otherwise.

dreamscape; letting go

[causational]

[Eddie's seen a lot of things that completely challenged his entire worldview both in the months before his death, and in the time he's been in Riverview. He's seen magic and science so advanced it might as well have been magic, he's seen aliens and monsters and ghosts, but this is something else.

Even more than the moon they're on, this looks like another world entirely, with an endless void of stars and galaxies and darkness, the peril of hanging off a cliff into what looks like outer space. It's almost beyond understanding.

But despite all the strangeness, how out-of-this-world it is, Eddie recognizes the emotion of the moment. The fear, the longing, the rejection, and the way the man in the dream gives up, lets go. Eddie doesn't speak, at first. The only sound he makes is a sharp, loud gasp as the man falls into the void.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki spins around at the sound of another's voice, the colour draining from his face. They saw. His weakness, his heart and all the destruction that came with it. They saw and Loki went through a myriad of emotions before settling on anger. ]

Who are you to intrude on my memories, mortal?

[causational]

[Eddie can't help it - he flinches, when the man turns on him and looks at him that way. His breath catches in his throat, and his hands clench into fists at his sides, ready to defend himself. It's obvious, of course, that there isn't much he could do to defend himself, but Eddie's been facing metas for months without any hope of protecting himself. Why should he stop now?]

No one who chose to come here, that's for sure.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Kill him. He's no one you know, no one connected to your enemies. Kill him and no one would have to know, no one would see how weak and pathetic you are, how desperate you are to have some acknowledgement —

Loki cuts it off. His madness no longer controls him and he knows it is only temptation and not consequence that speaks to his heart. Steve would never forgive him and Thor . . . it would be the end of the fragile peace they have created and Loki wasn't — wasn't ready to let go. To be let go of.

His lip curls even as Loki's frustration mounts. Thor's screams can still be heard. ]

No one would choose to come into the mind of a monster. How unfortunate for you.

text; @fromTV

[spellslots]

[It's been a fucking awful week and Taako would like it be over, please, but apparently the universe has different ideas for him. There isn't a lot to the memory he sees, but Taako knows Loki's voice, even if he doesn't recognize the man in front of him.

Even after seeing it, there's a day or two before Taako finally makes the decision to tell Loki, having waffled back and forth for a while, unsure.]

So, I got some of your shit. We don't have to talk about it but it felt weird keeping it a secret or whatever.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There is a lengthy pause before he replies. ]

What did you get?

[spellslots]

[That's okay, he expected it.]

Some kinda blue box, a man with an eye patch

[Taako knows it's Loki's father, but he's wary of using that word.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ For a while, Loki considers simply destroying his device. If it's gone, he need not reply and it provides an easy excuse to avoid this conversation. They know. More and more people were seeing who he is and it's slowly eroding away Loki's mind. He wanted to lash out or worse. Much worse. ]

What of it.

Loki and Odin

[worldsaway]

[Thor sees a lot that he hasn't been privy to before. He's aware that he missed a great number of occurrences in his banishment, and he watches much of it in perfect silence. He lets some moments fly by, they're too tender to remark upon now. The phrase never doubt that I love you lingers, long after Thor hears it.

He studies it, he reflects on it and he makes it to a particular moment with Loki and Odin before he feels the need to reflect on it.]

He could have handled that better. [Thor says, having comfortably perched himself on some of the scenery, casual as can be.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ It takes all of Loki's patience not to gape at Thor's blase statement. His reply is a venomous hiss. ]

I suppose it is a vast improvement over telling I was born to die.

[worldsaway]

[The venom almost glides off Thor for how used to it he is. It's practically a casual tone from Loki, now.

Thor pulls a strained expression. Not for his tone, but his words.]

He never was good at putting things lightly. Or well.

dreamscape; thor and loki

[winscenario]

[ He knows it's not his place, being here, but he can't exactly help it. At first he stays back, somewhat hidden, even if he knows the protagonists of the dream won't notice he's there, and the only one who can likely already has been made aware of an intruder in his dream. He gives it a few seconds, though, before risking a couple of steps closer to where the real Loki stands. ]

Looking good, you two. What was the occasion?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Unlike the other memories that bring out the fear, this one has him more muted. Thor's laughter rings his head. It's been a long time since Loki has been happy. Has remembered being happy. ]

Thor's coronation. He was meant to be crowned king.

[winscenario]

[ It's a sweet memory, Jim thinks. He's smiling a little but he doesn't press too much on that point, because he has a feeling that's a sore spot for Loki, and the last thing he wants is for Loki to feel like he's trying to attack him. ]

Didn't go as planned?

Thor and Loki

[ragnarsson]

[There's something in the easy, loving banter between the gods that makes Ivar long once again for his own brothers. After seven months, he thought it would be easier to bear knowing he might go years without seeing them again. But the hurt never really fades, he's just become adept at pushing it to the back of mind so he doesn't have to look at it.

He watches the scene with a longing look on his face. Perhaps he should feel more awkward at witnessing memories that were Loki's alone, but Ivar is too self-centered to consider anyone else's feelings for too long.]

Guess brothers remain the same whether they're mortals or gods.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki refrains from twitching, his expression as smooth as polished glass. ]

Is that so surprising?

[ragnarsson]

A little bit, yes. Gods always seem sort of lofty and above everyone else.

[At least that was the way Ivar had thought before he came here.]