Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Memoriessss
when: During October
where: Dreamscape / First person visions
warnings: Attempted suicide, will add if others come up


[ Thor and Loki ]

[ Everything in this memory is golden. The firelight that flickers across the halls, the play of shadow and warmth. Even Loki’s shadow does not seem intimidating to Thor’s boisterous yell for “Another!” as the cup smashes into the open firepit. They stand together, as close as brothers can be. Joking, laughing. Thor’s loud voice remains a direct contrast to Loki’s smooth steady tone. As a servant hands Thor his helmet, Loki watches him swallow, the only hint of nerves in his indomitable brother. Loki starts with a low tease, drawing out another chuckle and jest from Thor.

“I was being sincere!”

“You are incapable of sincerity.”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

There is no sign that Thor’s words bother Loki. After all, Loki is perceptive. He can often read between lines. His voice is low and soft, but unwavering.

“I have waited for this day as long as you have. You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes, I am envious. But never doubt that I love you.”

Thor clasps his hand over Loki’s neck and again, it is old jokes between them. As it has always been. ]

[ Letting Go ]

[ Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Loki loses his grip. Sometimes Thor is holding his hand and he lets go. Sometimes it is Odin . . . the variations are endless as they play on his psyche. This time, it was different. It feels fresh, like he’s seeing it for the first time. The Bifrost shatters, an explosion of every colour that all vision goes blind and it seems it will never recover. He’s screaming, or believes he is when his flailing arm connects with Gungnir and Thor grasps the other end —

— And there is Odin. The three of them, hanging off the edge of the world. He wants to cry, his face crumpling. This was it, his shame painted across Asgard in red. But this was his father. Just moments ago, Loki killed Laufey for him. Surely, surely, his father will understand. He must. He has to.

“No, Loki.”

And like that, a calm descends upon Loki’s face. Ah, it seems to say. No more lies. The wind and the Void howls but Loki can hear nothing. Thor is begging, but Loki cannot see. Slowly, his grip loosens until he releases his fingers from Gungnir.

And he falls. Until all the stars are blotted out. Loki thinks he hears Thor scream but the Void has swallowed the sound whole. ]

[ Loki and Odin ]

[ Odin’s command comes too late as Loki rests his hands on the sides of the Casket. Even with his back turned, Loki’s voice comes as a hissed whisper, full of quiet anger and confusion, ready to spill over.

“Am I cursed?”

Odin says no, claiming Loki is his son. But Loki is no longer convinced. Not longer uncertain. He turns around slowly, feeling the taint of blue skin as he walks closer. Loki carefully disassembles Odin’s words until Odin starts telling the truth. About Jotunheim and Loki. Laufeyson. Loki’s face crumbles as it goes on, barely holding onto his calm. The monster that people tell their children about at night. Finally, one feeling wins and that is rage, pure and unadulterated. Loki screams at his father, each step more threatening than the next, even as Odin falters, barely on his knees before he collapses. Loki’s expression cracks, all the anger wiped clean. He bends to reach out to his father, to ascertain his health —

— But he’s afraid and his fingers stop short. Loki is scared to touch his father, knowing the truths that were just imparted on him. After a few seconds, Loki lets his hand rest on top of his father’s, watching the quiet heave of his chest before he calls the guards in a panic. Guards, help him! Please! ]

[ Loki is crowned King ]

[ It is a beautiful chamber, golden and bright, but not overwhelmingly so. And it is a large bed that takes up the space in the room, Odin’s quiet breaths barely heard over the stillness. Loki and Frigga sit on opposite sides. Loki seems muted, dwelling on something while Frigga tells him that she asked Odin to be honest from the beginning. ”There should be no secrets in the family.” For a terse few seconds, Loki says nothing before asking, ”So why did he lie?”

Frigga’s reasoning is clear. "So that you would never feel different. You are our son. And we love you. You must know that."

Loki’s expression doesn’t change. They discuss Odin’s state as Frigga rubs the All-Father’s hand reassuringly. She advises him not to lose hope. For his father. For Thor. It is the topic of Thor that has Loki’s expression tighten, hard to read. Finally he decides to get up, walking away with purpose from the bed. It’s clear he’s had enough, that this is too much for him to discuss anymore. But his head jerks up at the sound of the doors opening. The Einhenjar stand at the entrance and bow, their hands clasped to their chest. Loki stares, stunned as one of the oldest of Asgard’s advisors stride into the room and stand in front of Loki with . . . Gungnir. He bows and Loki’s expression creases in confusion and fear before he turns to his mother.

“Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until Odin awakens, Asgard is yours.”

Loki continues to stare. He’s lost, even as he turns back to Gungnir. The advisor raises it higher but Loki does not reach for it. Does not even think to do so. The sound of crows can be heard as Loki carefully raises his head and lets the advisor deposit the spear into his open palms. His fingers curl around them loosely, a strangeness seeping into his veins.

“Make your father proud,” Frigga says with a faint bow, “My king.”

Finally, he tightens his grip on the spear, something akin to a smile, but it’s awkward and it falls flat as his eyes widen. King.

Comments

[causational]

[Eddie is a perceptive man, a detective with a knack for reading people, and so there's no way he can miss the moment of madness in the man's eyes. He's seen it before, in various perps in cases he's worked, in Eobard when they were in the basement together. For a moment, the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, his posture goes tense, and even if this isn't necessarily real, Eddie experiences a jolt of terror that he's about to die again, for a second time.

But then it fades, and Eddie can still feel the anger, but not the intent while the other man says that he's a monster. Eddie's brows raise a little.]

That didn't look like the memory of a monster.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki's laugh is soft and mirthless. ]

No? How many monsters have you met?

[ He gestures to the memory flippantly, though it does nothing to disguise the tension in his body, the frayed pain. ]

Is this not how stories should end?

[causational]

[Eddie shrugs his shoulders.]

At least one.

[It isn't just anger here, there is also defensiveness, which implies pain. Eddie can't help but be curious, despite the danger.]

Stories, maybe, but this isn't a story. It's real life.

[dothelokimotion]

Mortal men with powers can't quite compare, I find.

As for stories, I was one of them, long ago. I would not be so quick to ascribe reality to what you know.

[causational]

I don't think it's powers or mortality that make someone a monster.

[Eddie shrugs. There's not really any point in arguing the fact, though. When the man argues that he was a story long ago, and that reality shouldn't be ascribed to what he knows. Eddie's brows furrow a little, he's a bit confused and releases a breath.]

What do you mean?

[dothelokimotion]

[ There's a flicker of amusement, even though it is dry and frail. ]

You truly do not know whose dream you wandered into, do you? I am Loki. God of Mischief and Chaos. Or so the Norsemen called me, long ago.

[causational]

[Eddie sees the amusement, and then when the man explains whose dream he's entered, his brows raise.]

Loki? Really?

[Blinking a bit, Eddie laughs, though it's not mocking or really all that humorous. More surprised, a little nervous.]

Wow.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There's nothing but inky blackness now. Loki is still falling. All sensation has been cut off. For what can exist in the void? Loki hums softly. Perhaps, this was a blessing, to have some stranger instead of someone he knows. Loki would have surely killed any Avenger in this position. Or worse. ]

It is hardly so impressive in this place.

[causational]

[The blackness feels like it's closing in, and that affects Eddie more than he'd like to admit. Being in the darkness without any control over how he can escape, how he can free himself, brings back a lot of his own bad memories. But he tries not to focus on that, not right now, though the anxiety is obvious in his body language.]

I don't know. I guess it seems kinda impressive to me. I've never met a trickster god before.

[dothelokimotion]

[ There's a throaty chuckle at that. ]

That might be for the best.

[ Is he still falling? What a surprise. How long had it taken? Months? Gauging time in the Void had been difficult. ]

This will not end for a while. You had best find a way out before you go mad.

[causational]

Probably, at least from what I understand about trickster gods. Then again, I don't really know all that much, so...

[Eddie shrugs, glancing around himself for a moment before his eyes go back to Loki.]

I think I can handle it. I was in the dark alone for a couple weeks before, and I'm still pretty sane. You though...going through it twice can't be that fun. Let me at least keep you company this time?

[dothelokimotion]

This is not darkness. This is nothingness. Emptiness. A constant fall, a constant scream. And when I hit the ground — [ Loki cuts himself off abruptly, his expression tight in remembered pain. ]

Sensation became too intense. And there are worse creatures here, ones that cleave your fear and make it anew. Alone. Waiting. I have no interest in driving men mad with this.

[causational]

[Eddie looks around them, his chest hitching a little, because it does remind him of his own fears, his time trapped in that room underground with only a monster to keep him company. One who seemed to know his worst fears and prick at them with razor-sharp precision.

But he's distracted from that when he notices how sharply Loki cuts himself off, and blue eyes flick to the other man's face. He can read the emotion there, how much it hurt, and he can imagine how it felt, physically, emotionally.]

You said you were a monster, but you sure sound like you're trying to protect me.

[dothelokimotion]

[ A wintry smile touches his face. ]

I suspect I am simply jealous and prefer not to share pain. The less is known about me, the better.

[causational]

[Eddie can feel the coldness almost immediately, and the corners of his mouth twitch a little bit with amusement and surprise.]

I didn't expect you to be offended by that.

[Glancing downward, he sobers a little.]

But I guess that whole 'less known about me the better' bit makes it make a little more sense. If it helps, I'm not going to tell anyone.

[dothelokimotion]

It is not a secret.

[ Which makes it worse, sometimes. That all of Asgard knows of this end. They may not know what Odin said. They may not know that Loki let go, that he wanted it to end. But Loki knows the way stories are fashioned on Asgard. They were a race of gods. Stories kept them alive. ]

I know your tales are slightly different on Midgard, but the endings are always the same. The monster dies and the hero lives on, vainglorious. Even if it is an end I chose, it does not change the meaning of the text.

[causational]

[It takes Eddie a few moments to put it together - mostly because he doesn't know a lot about the Norse gods beyond random references he's heard other people make or a character inspired by them in a TV show he was half paying attention to. It takes him a moment to connect 'Midgard' to 'Earth' or 'the mortal realm' or whatever it is that someone like Loki would call the place Eddie and all the other normal humans live.

It takes him a few moments to figure out how he wants to respond.]

I get that. Feeling like there's some kind of predetermined destiny for you because of the role you're in or the things you've done.

[A pause, and he exhales, his eyes lifting to look at Loki in the face.]

But if there's nothing else I learned from what happened to me before I left home for this place, it's that people change, and they can change the roles they fill, and their destinies. Nothing is predetermined. Maybe the monster dies, but you know...you don't have to be the monster.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki actually chuckles. Sentiment. Mortals do so thrive on it. But he finds himself softening all the same. It is a little charming when they come at him like this, without any real knowledge of his self and his actions. The whole-hearted belief that keeps them going in their brief lives.

The mockery rises in him, hungry and vicious but no longer a factor in his mood. This man has not earned his ire so Loki will not grace him with his fangs.

( and deep down, Loki can't find it himself to truly be angry or bitter. not when he watches his fall all over again ) ]

I don't think anyone else fits the role. But I imagine it's a moot point now.

[causational]

[The laugh isn't entirely friendly, but it's also, maybe, a little tired, a little restrained. It's harder to read Loki than most other people Eddie knows, he feels unpredictable and dangerous, but he's certainly...well, magnetic. Eddie can't help but feel attracted to him, in a way.

When Loki lets go of whatever he was restraining, Eddie thinks for a moment that it's probably a good thing he let go of it. Or, at least, good for Eddie's health and safety.]

Why a moot point? Because of this?

[dothelokimotion]

[ The memory fades away. Loki must have lost consciousness at some point or . . . forgotten. Which is a relief. He wasn't keen on anyone seeing what happened next. ]

This? Oh, no. It's what came after.

[causational]

[The memory fades, but they're still here, together. Eddie takes a sharp little breath, eyes still on Loki.]

Tell me? What happened after?

[dothelokimotion]

There is nothing to tell.

[ Nothing Loki is willing to put into words. He's spared a little for Steve once and even that seemed like too much. How to put into words, the stark reality of being alone in a world full of claws and teeth? Of Thanos bearing over him, whispering sweet nothings and the steady power of his fist (and the pain, always pain). Loki managed to manipulate enough of his circumstances to command an army and a way to Earth, but he has not forgotten the strings they tied him in. ]

I fell. I kept falling. Then I stopped.

[causational]

[For a moment, Eddie frowns, eyes on Loki.]

Did you die?

[He expects that's not the case, but he thinks...maybe it's worth asking. Especially after how he left his own world.]

[dothelokimotion]

It would have been my preference.

[ Though he can't say he regrets living, he does waver in between. ]

But I am unskilled at dying.

[causational]

[Eddie's brows raise a bit at that.]

Not the worst thing to be unskilled at.

[Pursing his lips, he glances downward.]

But you got a second chance? I mean, you must've gotten out of there, right?