riverviewlogs | Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

Entry tags:

Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

who: Loki + You
what: Memoriessss
when: During October
where: Dreamscape / First person visions
warnings: Attempted suicide, will add if others come up

[ Thor and Loki ]

[ Everything in this memory is golden. The firelight that flickers across the halls, the play of shadow and warmth. Even Loki’s shadow does not seem intimidating to Thor’s boisterous yell for “Another!” as the cup smashes into the open firepit. They stand together, as close as brothers can be. Joking, laughing. Thor’s loud voice remains a direct contrast to Loki’s smooth steady tone. As a servant hands Thor his helmet, Loki watches him swallow, the only hint of nerves in his indomitable brother. Loki starts with a low tease, drawing out another chuckle and jest from Thor.

“I was being sincere!”

“You are incapable of sincerity.”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

There is no sign that Thor’s words bother Loki. After all, Loki is perceptive. He can often read between lines. His voice is low and soft, but unwavering.

“I have waited for this day as long as you have. You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes, I am envious. But never doubt that I love you.”

Thor clasps his hand over Loki’s neck and again, it is old jokes between them. As it has always been. ]

[ Letting Go ]

[ Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Loki loses his grip. Sometimes Thor is holding his hand and he lets go. Sometimes it is Odin . . . the variations are endless as they play on his psyche. This time, it was different. It feels fresh, like he’s seeing it for the first time. The Bifrost shatters, an explosion of every colour that all vision goes blind and it seems it will never recover. He’s screaming, or believes he is when his flailing arm connects with Gungnir and Thor grasps the other end —

— And there is Odin. The three of them, hanging off the edge of the world. He wants to cry, his face crumpling. This was it, his shame painted across Asgard in red. But this was his father. Just moments ago, Loki killed Laufey for him. Surely, surely, his father will understand. He must. He has to.

“No, Loki.”

And like that, a calm descends upon Loki’s face. Ah, it seems to say. No more lies. The wind and the Void howls but Loki can hear nothing. Thor is begging, but Loki cannot see. Slowly, his grip loosens until he releases his fingers from Gungnir.

And he falls. Until all the stars are blotted out. Loki thinks he hears Thor scream but the Void has swallowed the sound whole. ]

[ Loki and Odin ]

[ Odin’s command comes too late as Loki rests his hands on the sides of the Casket. Even with his back turned, Loki’s voice comes as a hissed whisper, full of quiet anger and confusion, ready to spill over.

“Am I cursed?”

Odin says no, claiming Loki is his son. But Loki is no longer convinced. Not longer uncertain. He turns around slowly, feeling the taint of blue skin as he walks closer. Loki carefully disassembles Odin’s words until Odin starts telling the truth. About Jotunheim and Loki. Laufeyson. Loki’s face crumbles as it goes on, barely holding onto his calm. The monster that people tell their children about at night. Finally, one feeling wins and that is rage, pure and unadulterated. Loki screams at his father, each step more threatening than the next, even as Odin falters, barely on his knees before he collapses. Loki’s expression cracks, all the anger wiped clean. He bends to reach out to his father, to ascertain his health —

— But he’s afraid and his fingers stop short. Loki is scared to touch his father, knowing the truths that were just imparted on him. After a few seconds, Loki lets his hand rest on top of his father’s, watching the quiet heave of his chest before he calls the guards in a panic. Guards, help him! Please! ]

[ Loki is crowned King ]

[ It is a beautiful chamber, golden and bright, but not overwhelmingly so. And it is a large bed that takes up the space in the room, Odin’s quiet breaths barely heard over the stillness. Loki and Frigga sit on opposite sides. Loki seems muted, dwelling on something while Frigga tells him that she asked Odin to be honest from the beginning. ”There should be no secrets in the family.” For a terse few seconds, Loki says nothing before asking, ”So why did he lie?”

Frigga’s reasoning is clear. "So that you would never feel different. You are our son. And we love you. You must know that."

Loki’s expression doesn’t change. They discuss Odin’s state as Frigga rubs the All-Father’s hand reassuringly. She advises him not to lose hope. For his father. For Thor. It is the topic of Thor that has Loki’s expression tighten, hard to read. Finally he decides to get up, walking away with purpose from the bed. It’s clear he’s had enough, that this is too much for him to discuss anymore. But his head jerks up at the sound of the doors opening. The Einhenjar stand at the entrance and bow, their hands clasped to their chest. Loki stares, stunned as one of the oldest of Asgard’s advisors stride into the room and stand in front of Loki with . . . Gungnir. He bows and Loki’s expression creases in confusion and fear before he turns to his mother.

“Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until Odin awakens, Asgard is yours.”

Loki continues to stare. He’s lost, even as he turns back to Gungnir. The advisor raises it higher but Loki does not reach for it. Does not even think to do so. The sound of crows can be heard as Loki carefully raises his head and lets the advisor deposit the spear into his open palms. His fingers curl around them loosely, a strangeness seeping into his veins.

“Make your father proud,” Frigga says with a faint bow, “My king.”

Finally, he tightens his grip on the spear, something akin to a smile, but it’s awkward and it falls flat as his eyes widen. King.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ He knows it's not his place, being here, but he can't exactly help it. At first he stays back, somewhat hidden, even if he knows the protagonists of the dream won't notice he's there, and the only one who can likely already has been made aware of an intruder in his dream. He gives it a few seconds, though, before risking a couple of steps closer to where the real Loki stands. ]

Looking good, you two. What was the occasion?

[ Unlike the other memories that bring out the fear, this one has him more muted. Thor's laughter rings his head. It's been a long time since Loki has been happy. Has remembered being happy. ]

Thor's coronation. He was meant to be crowned king.

[ It's a sweet memory, Jim thinks. He's smiling a little but he doesn't press too much on that point, because he has a feeling that's a sore spot for Loki, and the last thing he wants is for Loki to feel like he's trying to attack him. ]

Didn't go as planned?

No.

[ Loki breathes out. How do I look? Thor's voice drifts over, uncertain. Like a king, he replies after a few moments. ]

A few Frost Giants snuck into the vault. They perished but Thor saw it as an act of war. So he retaliated with his own act of war.

[ Part of Jim's attention is on the conversation between the ghosts of that memory, even if he doesn't mean to pry. He's always been too curious for his own good. ]

That must've ruined the festivities. [ He glances at Loki. ] And was it an act of war, or did they want something else?

[ Loki shakes his head. He seems almost distant, not quite there. The dream moves as Loki leaves his brother at Thor's prompting. He waits at the golden steps that lead to the throne. ]

They wanted the Casket, but it was an act of few, not of a leader.

[ Loki would know. He orchestrated it after all. ]

But Thor was a wild man those days. Every little pinprick could be used as a reason for war.

Well, some people react rashly that way.

[ Jim can relate to a degree, even if he hasn't really gone around declaring war with anyone. Mostly he'd just started a lot of fistfights in the past. Not so much anymore, thankfully. ]

What's the Casket? Why did they want it?

[ Loki purses his lips. Talking about it . . . annoys him, but these were not personal questions. Perhaps he can do this, he can salvage what's left of him. ]

The Casket of Ancient Winters is a powerful artifact. Capable of freezing worlds. It is a spoils of war.

Sounds like the kind of thing that should be well kept under lock and key.

[ He doesn't think the Asgardians would be so stupid to leave it in a place of easy access— which makes Jim wonder how exactly the giants managed to get their hands on it. ]

I'm sorry. That you have to deal with me being here. [ It's not like he can control it, but he apologizes anyway. ] I know you'd rather I weren't.

To be fair, I would extend that preference to everyone. Close or distant acquaintance.

[ His memories leave blisters. Even as Loki hoards them, like a dragon would hoard gold, he knows that the state of his mind is not the best. He continually questions the legitimacy of events, of whether he remembers them clearly or not. How much of it was delusion, madness or simply his innate self unable to accept what happened? How much was true? Loki cannot believe all of it was imagined, in his head. ]

Gotta say I agree with that sentiment.

[ Not that Jim has too many particularly horrible memories, or wonderful ones that can also be painful. But they're still his memories and he doesn't like this aspect of it he can't control. Just about anyone could take a peek into his mind, even a complete stranger. It's an unsettling thought. ]

We can talk about something else, if you'd rather. Until the dream ends, anyway. [ As it is he's sort of stuck here. ]

[ Loki raises an eyebrow in wry bemusement. ]

Such as?

I don't know. Whatever we want to.

[ He shrugs, trying to think of something. ]

What do you do for fun around here? I mean, the Quarantine.

[ Loki eyes him before turning away with a hum. ]

I am not the socialite like my other self is. I prefer to keep to my institute and my work.

I'm not sure work counts as a hobby.

[ Like you can talk, Jim. ]

You strike as the type who likes reading. Am I right or not?

It is not a secret.

[ He's in a mood, he can tell. Seeing those memories again has done nothing to curb his temper and yet he finds his anger amounts to nothing but ash. ]

I preferred the library to the fighting ring. Which made me an oddity in Asgard's eyes. As seen by this memory.

[ Some do battle, others do tricks. ]

Didn't think it would be.

[ Seemed like a silly thing to keep secret, one liking books. Then again sometimes Loki acts as though just about anything about himself could be used against him. ]

I like libraries. [ He offers, though not intending to coax an answer out of Loki. ] It's not so bad, being an oddity. Just means you're different, I guess.

[ Something dark flashes in Loki's eyes. ]

Yes, I do so love being ostracized for my skills and interests. Never being enough.

[ Jim's eyebrow raises a little at that, arms crossed. ]

Do people seriously ostracize you because you like books?

[ Okay, that sounded a little dumb, even to Loki. He grimaces, annoyed at reacting so . . . childishly. ]

No. And people would think twice of doing so. I was a prince, regardless. But certainly more . . . quieter aspects of Asgard were not regarded well. My skills in magic and craft, in statesmanship and cunning — it could not aid them in the field of battle, where one's mettle is measured in blood and sweat.

That's too bad. You'd think gods would know to appreciate a wide variety of skills and talents, not just one's ability to go around punching things and getting into fights.

[ I mean, just saying. Seems a bit too barbaric and primitive. Then again what does Jim know about gods. ]

[ He shrugs. ]

The Vikings did pick it up from us. I think the ennui of not being able to win glory in peace-time has worn them down.

[ And then Loki pauses, digesting that. It is the first time he has really addressed without much censure. The anger, while still present, doesn't feel like it's eating him alive and he doesn't feel the urge to defend Asgard either. Perhaps he's been away long enough to feel . . . separate from it. ]

Pesky little thing, peace.

[ Jim doesn't mean that one bit, evidently. ]

I'm glad at least in some universes people have learned to appreciate it. I'm sure we wouldn't have lasted all that long if we kept being so intent on killing each other.

[ He hums at that. ]

Do you think so? I imagine every universe has learned both in equal measure. Simply because you have seen peace does not mean it extends to all corners. Appreciated or not, violence and peace often exists in tandem. The scale tips with one's actions.

Oh, I agree with you, wholeheartedly. In my time Earth has become largely peaceful, but even then there are people who believe that conflict is our true way of life, that we can't achieve anything by keeping the peace.

[ He tilts his head. ] And then, of course, there are other species, some of them still waging their wars, focused on making enemies rather than friends. It's impossible for a whole galaxy to be at peace, but... it's a good aim to have, I think. At least I strive for it.

dreamscape; thor and loki

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