Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Memoriessss
when: During October
where: Dreamscape / First person visions
warnings: Attempted suicide, will add if others come up


[ Thor and Loki ]

[ Everything in this memory is golden. The firelight that flickers across the halls, the play of shadow and warmth. Even Loki’s shadow does not seem intimidating to Thor’s boisterous yell for “Another!” as the cup smashes into the open firepit. They stand together, as close as brothers can be. Joking, laughing. Thor’s loud voice remains a direct contrast to Loki’s smooth steady tone. As a servant hands Thor his helmet, Loki watches him swallow, the only hint of nerves in his indomitable brother. Loki starts with a low tease, drawing out another chuckle and jest from Thor.

“I was being sincere!”

“You are incapable of sincerity.”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

There is no sign that Thor’s words bother Loki. After all, Loki is perceptive. He can often read between lines. His voice is low and soft, but unwavering.

“I have waited for this day as long as you have. You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes, I am envious. But never doubt that I love you.”

Thor clasps his hand over Loki’s neck and again, it is old jokes between them. As it has always been. ]

[ Letting Go ]

[ Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Loki loses his grip. Sometimes Thor is holding his hand and he lets go. Sometimes it is Odin . . . the variations are endless as they play on his psyche. This time, it was different. It feels fresh, like he’s seeing it for the first time. The Bifrost shatters, an explosion of every colour that all vision goes blind and it seems it will never recover. He’s screaming, or believes he is when his flailing arm connects with Gungnir and Thor grasps the other end —

— And there is Odin. The three of them, hanging off the edge of the world. He wants to cry, his face crumpling. This was it, his shame painted across Asgard in red. But this was his father. Just moments ago, Loki killed Laufey for him. Surely, surely, his father will understand. He must. He has to.

“No, Loki.”

And like that, a calm descends upon Loki’s face. Ah, it seems to say. No more lies. The wind and the Void howls but Loki can hear nothing. Thor is begging, but Loki cannot see. Slowly, his grip loosens until he releases his fingers from Gungnir.

And he falls. Until all the stars are blotted out. Loki thinks he hears Thor scream but the Void has swallowed the sound whole. ]

[ Loki and Odin ]

[ Odin’s command comes too late as Loki rests his hands on the sides of the Casket. Even with his back turned, Loki’s voice comes as a hissed whisper, full of quiet anger and confusion, ready to spill over.

“Am I cursed?”

Odin says no, claiming Loki is his son. But Loki is no longer convinced. Not longer uncertain. He turns around slowly, feeling the taint of blue skin as he walks closer. Loki carefully disassembles Odin’s words until Odin starts telling the truth. About Jotunheim and Loki. Laufeyson. Loki’s face crumbles as it goes on, barely holding onto his calm. The monster that people tell their children about at night. Finally, one feeling wins and that is rage, pure and unadulterated. Loki screams at his father, each step more threatening than the next, even as Odin falters, barely on his knees before he collapses. Loki’s expression cracks, all the anger wiped clean. He bends to reach out to his father, to ascertain his health —

— But he’s afraid and his fingers stop short. Loki is scared to touch his father, knowing the truths that were just imparted on him. After a few seconds, Loki lets his hand rest on top of his father’s, watching the quiet heave of his chest before he calls the guards in a panic. Guards, help him! Please! ]

[ Loki is crowned King ]

[ It is a beautiful chamber, golden and bright, but not overwhelmingly so. And it is a large bed that takes up the space in the room, Odin’s quiet breaths barely heard over the stillness. Loki and Frigga sit on opposite sides. Loki seems muted, dwelling on something while Frigga tells him that she asked Odin to be honest from the beginning. ”There should be no secrets in the family.” For a terse few seconds, Loki says nothing before asking, ”So why did he lie?”

Frigga’s reasoning is clear. "So that you would never feel different. You are our son. And we love you. You must know that."

Loki’s expression doesn’t change. They discuss Odin’s state as Frigga rubs the All-Father’s hand reassuringly. She advises him not to lose hope. For his father. For Thor. It is the topic of Thor that has Loki’s expression tighten, hard to read. Finally he decides to get up, walking away with purpose from the bed. It’s clear he’s had enough, that this is too much for him to discuss anymore. But his head jerks up at the sound of the doors opening. The Einhenjar stand at the entrance and bow, their hands clasped to their chest. Loki stares, stunned as one of the oldest of Asgard’s advisors stride into the room and stand in front of Loki with . . . Gungnir. He bows and Loki’s expression creases in confusion and fear before he turns to his mother.

“Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until Odin awakens, Asgard is yours.”

Loki continues to stare. He’s lost, even as he turns back to Gungnir. The advisor raises it higher but Loki does not reach for it. Does not even think to do so. The sound of crows can be heard as Loki carefully raises his head and lets the advisor deposit the spear into his open palms. His fingers curl around them loosely, a strangeness seeping into his veins.

“Make your father proud,” Frigga says with a faint bow, “My king.”

Finally, he tightens his grip on the spear, something akin to a smile, but it’s awkward and it falls flat as his eyes widen. King.

Comments

[dothelokimotion]

[ Okay, that sounded a little dumb, even to Loki. He grimaces, annoyed at reacting so . . . childishly. ]

No. And people would think twice of doing so. I was a prince, regardless. But certainly more . . . quieter aspects of Asgard were not regarded well. My skills in magic and craft, in statesmanship and cunning — it could not aid them in the field of battle, where one's mettle is measured in blood and sweat.

[winscenario]

That's too bad. You'd think gods would know to appreciate a wide variety of skills and talents, not just one's ability to go around punching things and getting into fights.

[ I mean, just saying. Seems a bit too barbaric and primitive. Then again what does Jim know about gods. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ He shrugs. ]

The Vikings did pick it up from us. I think the ennui of not being able to win glory in peace-time has worn them down.

[ And then Loki pauses, digesting that. It is the first time he has really addressed without much censure. The anger, while still present, doesn't feel like it's eating him alive and he doesn't feel the urge to defend Asgard either. Perhaps he's been away long enough to feel . . . separate from it. ]

[winscenario]

Pesky little thing, peace.

[ Jim doesn't mean that one bit, evidently. ]

I'm glad at least in some universes people have learned to appreciate it. I'm sure we wouldn't have lasted all that long if we kept being so intent on killing each other.

[dothelokimotion]

[ He hums at that. ]

Do you think so? I imagine every universe has learned both in equal measure. Simply because you have seen peace does not mean it extends to all corners. Appreciated or not, violence and peace often exists in tandem. The scale tips with one's actions.

[winscenario]

Oh, I agree with you, wholeheartedly. In my time Earth has become largely peaceful, but even then there are people who believe that conflict is our true way of life, that we can't achieve anything by keeping the peace.

[ He tilts his head. ] And then, of course, there are other species, some of them still waging their wars, focused on making enemies rather than friends. It's impossible for a whole galaxy to be at peace, but... it's a good aim to have, I think. At least I strive for it.

[dothelokimotion]

I don't have an aim anymore.

[ Another thing that's easy to admit. Or maybe it's just harder to keep up the pretense when Thor's laughter echoes down the halls and Loki can hear his own. It sounds like a stranger. ]

[winscenario]

Do you think that'll always stay the same, no matter how long you live?

[ Which, given he's a god, Jim guesses is either forever, or a really long time. Seems too long to live without an aim, or without changing at all. ]

[dothelokimotion]

No.

[ But Loki isn't sure how long he'll live. Dying seems to be part of his repertoire now. ]

But it eludes me all the same.

[winscenario]

[ It's not really the same, when one comes back to life. To truly die and stay dead, that's a whole other thing entirely. Jim would know; he's cheated Death himself before, in a way. ]

Takes a bit of patience, sometimes. Or, if you get tired of waiting, I guess you can always go out there and find a purpose for yourself.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki gives him a flat look. ]

Has anyone told you how annoyingly positive you seem?

[winscenario]

[ Jim just laughs at that, a low, soft sound. His eyes shine with a trace of amusement as he glances at Loki. ]

Oh, frequently.

[dothelokimotion]

[ He huffs. Jim gives Steve a run for his money. Granted, Steve's salty manner and fussiness is what endeared him to the god. ]

And yet I can tell it does not take.

[winscenario]

Of course not! It's one of my most charming traits, [ He teases with a wide grin. ]

I'd never let what people say change that about me. Would you?

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki hesitates visibly. ]

It's not the same for me. As a God — as a member of — It is no small matter to ignore what has been said for centuries. I barely know how much was true, either way.

[winscenario]

Well, I wouldn't say ignore them, exactly. [ He tilts his head, shrugging. ] And anyway, aren't you the origin of the myth? You should be the one proving them wrong, if anything.

[dothelokimotion]

That is not the issue.

[ Loki can handle the myth just fine. Whether they call him the God of Lies or any other creative term no longer holds water. He eyes Kirk warily. ]

How much do you know?

[winscenario]

About Norse mythology? [ He shrugs. ] A few things, but I'm no expert by any means. I can tell you, though, that a lot of the stories ended up contradicting themselves, depending on who wrote them. You're sung as the god of ice in some, the god of fire in others. Generally speaking, always some variation of a trickster god, whether it's the god of lies, illusion, chaos or just... general trickery and pranking.

[ A pause, ] And then, there's the whole thing with the horse. That's got to be one of the most popular myths. Mostly because we're secretly children and find amusement in the silliest things.

[dothelokimotion]

No, from my other self.

[ Loki is aware they're good friends. It is another reason why he keeps his distance. Loki doesn't like the overlap. Though he is fairly comfortable with his twin, any kind of connection between their social circles is bound to leave them both uncomfortable and jealous, always seeing the other as better off. ]

I am a spoil of war. I was never related to the crown or Asgard in anything but name.

[winscenario]

Oh. Well... I guess I know what he's told me.

[ Not a lot, to be fair. Jim doesn't mind it terribly much. Loki's not the first friend he has who prefers keeping his past to himself, and he knows better than to pry.

That piece of information surprises him a little, but it's curiosity more than anything that has him saying. ]

You're adopted.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki snorts lightly. Adopted is an easy way of putting it and he no longer minds the term, but it misses the forest for the trees. And while Loki has gotten better at putting most of it behind him, the resentment is a stone in his shoe, pricking his feet. ]

I was taken for a purpose. One which was hidden from me my entire life.

[winscenario]

[ Well, it was either adopted or kidnapped, and it didn't really seem as though Loki was kept under lock and key. Then again, appearances can be deceiving, and there are plenty of ways to keep a person stuck in a particular place, or a particular state of mind. Enough for that person to feel as though they have nowhere to go. ]

Seems like your brother cares about you regardless. [ He can't know for sure that means much to Loki, granted, but still. ] What purpose was that, then?

[dothelokimotion]

He did not know then.

[ Which made the position of monster-slayer a difficult thing for Loki to accept. A paradox. Especially since Loki accepts he is monster and more. ]

I was meant to cement an old peace treaty. To give it more than baseless words and threats.

[winscenario]

Does he know now?

[ And has he stopped caring? Has the truth really been enough to do that? Granted, Jim only knows what he can see with his own eyes, but still he doesn't think that's the case. ]

By your words, I take it that didn't work out so well.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki nods. ]

I didn't know. And for years, we despised the Frost Giants. The war had been costly on both sides. Our stories, our anecdotes painted lurid pictures of them. And then I woke up one day and found myself to be one of them.

So, no. It did not end well.