Words they always win, but I know I'll lose

[dothelokimotion]

who: Loki + You
what: Memoriessss
when: During October
where: Dreamscape / First person visions
warnings: Attempted suicide, will add if others come up


[ Thor and Loki ]

[ Everything in this memory is golden. The firelight that flickers across the halls, the play of shadow and warmth. Even Loki’s shadow does not seem intimidating to Thor’s boisterous yell for “Another!” as the cup smashes into the open firepit. They stand together, as close as brothers can be. Joking, laughing. Thor’s loud voice remains a direct contrast to Loki’s smooth steady tone. As a servant hands Thor his helmet, Loki watches him swallow, the only hint of nerves in his indomitable brother. Loki starts with a low tease, drawing out another chuckle and jest from Thor.

“I was being sincere!”

“You are incapable of sincerity.”

“Am I?”

“Yes!”

There is no sign that Thor’s words bother Loki. After all, Loki is perceptive. He can often read between lines. His voice is low and soft, but unwavering.

“I have waited for this day as long as you have. You’re my brother and my friend. Sometimes, I am envious. But never doubt that I love you.”

Thor clasps his hand over Loki’s neck and again, it is old jokes between them. As it has always been. ]

[ Letting Go ]

[ Sometimes it changes. Sometimes Loki loses his grip. Sometimes Thor is holding his hand and he lets go. Sometimes it is Odin . . . the variations are endless as they play on his psyche. This time, it was different. It feels fresh, like he’s seeing it for the first time. The Bifrost shatters, an explosion of every colour that all vision goes blind and it seems it will never recover. He’s screaming, or believes he is when his flailing arm connects with Gungnir and Thor grasps the other end —

— And there is Odin. The three of them, hanging off the edge of the world. He wants to cry, his face crumpling. This was it, his shame painted across Asgard in red. But this was his father. Just moments ago, Loki killed Laufey for him. Surely, surely, his father will understand. He must. He has to.

“No, Loki.”

And like that, a calm descends upon Loki’s face. Ah, it seems to say. No more lies. The wind and the Void howls but Loki can hear nothing. Thor is begging, but Loki cannot see. Slowly, his grip loosens until he releases his fingers from Gungnir.

And he falls. Until all the stars are blotted out. Loki thinks he hears Thor scream but the Void has swallowed the sound whole. ]

[ Loki and Odin ]

[ Odin’s command comes too late as Loki rests his hands on the sides of the Casket. Even with his back turned, Loki’s voice comes as a hissed whisper, full of quiet anger and confusion, ready to spill over.

“Am I cursed?”

Odin says no, claiming Loki is his son. But Loki is no longer convinced. Not longer uncertain. He turns around slowly, feeling the taint of blue skin as he walks closer. Loki carefully disassembles Odin’s words until Odin starts telling the truth. About Jotunheim and Loki. Laufeyson. Loki’s face crumbles as it goes on, barely holding onto his calm. The monster that people tell their children about at night. Finally, one feeling wins and that is rage, pure and unadulterated. Loki screams at his father, each step more threatening than the next, even as Odin falters, barely on his knees before he collapses. Loki’s expression cracks, all the anger wiped clean. He bends to reach out to his father, to ascertain his health —

— But he’s afraid and his fingers stop short. Loki is scared to touch his father, knowing the truths that were just imparted on him. After a few seconds, Loki lets his hand rest on top of his father’s, watching the quiet heave of his chest before he calls the guards in a panic. Guards, help him! Please! ]

[ Loki is crowned King ]

[ It is a beautiful chamber, golden and bright, but not overwhelmingly so. And it is a large bed that takes up the space in the room, Odin’s quiet breaths barely heard over the stillness. Loki and Frigga sit on opposite sides. Loki seems muted, dwelling on something while Frigga tells him that she asked Odin to be honest from the beginning. ”There should be no secrets in the family.” For a terse few seconds, Loki says nothing before asking, ”So why did he lie?”

Frigga’s reasoning is clear. "So that you would never feel different. You are our son. And we love you. You must know that."

Loki’s expression doesn’t change. They discuss Odin’s state as Frigga rubs the All-Father’s hand reassuringly. She advises him not to lose hope. For his father. For Thor. It is the topic of Thor that has Loki’s expression tighten, hard to read. Finally he decides to get up, walking away with purpose from the bed. It’s clear he’s had enough, that this is too much for him to discuss anymore. But his head jerks up at the sound of the doors opening. The Einhenjar stand at the entrance and bow, their hands clasped to their chest. Loki stares, stunned as one of the oldest of Asgard’s advisors stride into the room and stand in front of Loki with . . . Gungnir. He bows and Loki’s expression creases in confusion and fear before he turns to his mother.

“Thor is banished. The line of succession falls to you. Until Odin awakens, Asgard is yours.”

Loki continues to stare. He’s lost, even as he turns back to Gungnir. The advisor raises it higher but Loki does not reach for it. Does not even think to do so. The sound of crows can be heard as Loki carefully raises his head and lets the advisor deposit the spear into his open palms. His fingers curl around them loosely, a strangeness seeping into his veins.

“Make your father proud,” Frigga says with a faint bow, “My king.”

Finally, he tightens his grip on the spear, something akin to a smile, but it’s awkward and it falls flat as his eyes widen. King.

Comments

Loki and Odin

[worldsaway]

[Thor sees a lot that he hasn't been privy to before. He's aware that he missed a great number of occurrences in his banishment, and he watches much of it in perfect silence. He lets some moments fly by, they're too tender to remark upon now. The phrase never doubt that I love you lingers, long after Thor hears it.

He studies it, he reflects on it and he makes it to a particular moment with Loki and Odin before he feels the need to reflect on it.]

He could have handled that better. [Thor says, having comfortably perched himself on some of the scenery, casual as can be.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ It takes all of Loki's patience not to gape at Thor's blase statement. His reply is a venomous hiss. ]

I suppose it is a vast improvement over telling I was born to die.

[worldsaway]

[The venom almost glides off Thor for how used to it he is. It's practically a casual tone from Loki, now.

Thor pulls a strained expression. Not for his tone, but his words.]

He never was good at putting things lightly. Or well.

[dothelokimotion]

[ For a moment, Loki is ready to lash out, but he reigns himself in with a shudder, wrapping his fingers around his elbows. He could feel himself slipping, piece by piece. ]

No. No, he was not. But he did not lie.

[worldsaway]

Then he did not lie when he said you were his son.

[Thor points out, and he's well aware it will not garner him a pleasant reaction.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki laughs, a jagged sound. ]

Thor, you are utterly transparent. How desperate do you have to be, to prove the past did not happen the way it did? Or did I imagine this conversation as well? My reason for existence, that hung on so thin a thread.

[ The laughter tapers off as Loki looks away, almost guilty for laughing. Odin lies on the floor and the memory-Loki stutters back as the guards rush over. He was still afraid of touching him. ]

I never wanted you to see this. Any of you. Because you all say the same thing and you never listen. You can't stop monsters with love, Thor.

[worldsaway]

At no point did I say this did not happen. [He points out, tone even.]

What do you want me to hear? That you're a monster? That Father took you with a purpose in mind? That he used you? I'm listening. Truly.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki spins on his heels, his hands bunched into fists. ]

That it was finite, Thor! That for all of everyone's vaunted speeches of love, it ended! It ended on the Bifrost and it's over!

[ Tears slip past, but Loki ignores them. ]

I was never going to be your equal. I was never going to be anything but father's pawn and mother's disappointment.

[worldsaway]

It ended when you let go. [Thor persists, and in the face of Loki's outpour he's trying not to feed into it by yelling back or arguing too fiercely.

But he desperately wants to.]

You were more than that. You are more than that. What father had in mind was foolish, and what he did could have ruined you, but it didn't. And it won't.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki flinches when Thor mentions letting go, actually startling him into an uneasy silence. They don't talk about that moment, for obvious reasons. Even Loki skirts around the subject with Thor, even when the battle is discussed. ]

Am I not ruined? I am a pale shade of what I once was. I'll never be what I used to embody. How can you accept this?

[worldsaway]

You're not ruined. Not forever. [Thor pushes himself off the ledge he'd been sitting on, stepping closer.]

You'll never be who you were again, and neither will I. But I see glimpses in you of a new Loki. A happier one. You need to stop trying to fight it.

[dothelokimotion]

[ The memories move on. The Bifrost cracks under the weight of Mjolnir. Loki winces at every crunch. ]

They'll see. They'll know. It won't matter how changed I am.

[worldsaway]

Who is they, Loki? And why do you care so much for their opinion? Would you rather stew in your misery for eternity than deal with the scorn of others?

/2

[dothelokimotion]

Better that than knowing what I am!

[ His voice rises in volume, coloured in hysteria. ]

I would weather all their scorn, all their paltry beliefs of who I am, so long as they don't see this, this one moment where I was — [ Scared, terrified, knowing that there is no security, no safety in his own home. If Odin could cast out Thor so easily, what terrible fate awaited Loki?

And by then it was too late, far too late. ]

[dothelokimotion]

[ His shoulders slump, exhausted. The madness howls in his ears, but Loki pushes it back. ]

I will take the villain over anyone knowing that I am a Laufeyson.

[worldsaway]

Most people here have no concept of what a Laufeyson is, but they know what a villain is.

[It feels like, for anyone else, physical affection would help. For Loki, Thor feels it would be like prodding him with a hot poker.]

You are no son of Laufey, anyway. You know nothing of him or their world. You are an Odinson. You know Asgard. [He pauses, as he considers it.] Better than I do, sometimes.

[dothelokimotion]

[ What's the difference? Loki committed patricide. And for what? Thor might not be able to tell the difference, but Loki knew. Loki could tell that being a villain is far less terrible than being a Frost Giant, being Laufeyson. Because villains can choose.

His laughter is weak and stuttered as Loki curls his arms around his middle. Everything was pouring out and Loki did not know how to call it back. The genie has left the bottle and paranoia skirts the edges of his mind. What could Thor do against such reckless hate?

They made a mistake bringing you back. His expression twists. Loki could always count on Sif to plunge the dagger. ]

Do I? I suppose I have paid for that knowledge, in blood and in full. Not that it matters. Not that this or any of my memories matter.

Just like that, he — he turned everything upside down. And none of you, none of you ever think about that. Tell me, Thor. If I had come back after committing treason for you and Jane, would he have let me live? Would he killed me himself?

Or would he have made you do it?

[worldsaway]

I think he would have let you live. [Thor says, with certainty.]

Father can be.. draconian. Believe me, I know. Had I not returned to Asgard to grapple with you, maybe I never would have been allowed back there.

He loves you. I don't doubt that. If he didn't, he'd have struck you down the moment we returned from Earth. And as for having me kill you, I don't see it. I don't think he's the sadist you've envisioned.

[dothelokimotion]

[ Loki recoils, anger sparking from his eyes . . . and it leeches out. Deep down, he does not want to be angry at Thor. Odin. All of them. What has it gotten him? Nothing. Why not survive and think of something else? Something more, something unnamed that he hungers for?

( what would steve say if he gave in now, after everything? )

His shoulders finally droop, even as Loki struggles to give up the weight. ]

Then why did it come to this? Why did he say that?

[worldsaway]

I don't pretend to understand a lot of what he does, but I do know he has a reputation to uphold as a King.

And death, well. It holds a lot of weight in an argument, wouldn't you say? It's a powerful motivational tool. [He shakes his head.] I'd like to believe he has the humility to realise he handled everything that happened beyond mother's passing poorly. He left us no choice but to go behind his back.

[dothelokimotion]

Do you?

[ Loki's gaze pins Thor, bright and electric. ]

Do you believe that?

[worldsaway]

I do.

[In turn, his stare is hard and his voice is firm. He won't be budged.]

[dothelokimotion]

[ For a brief moment, it seems like Loki is ready to fight once more, his hackles raised before it fades into a wryness that is uncustomary for him, but not unusual. ]

Then I suppose it must have some measure of truth. If you believe it.