riverviewlogs | parabatai: lost & found

"Maybe it's better for you if you did lose me." Jace said it before he could stop himself and instantly regretted it. But wasn't that the problem? He never could stop himself? He always said and did things that hurt everyone around him and only regretted the consequences.

Taking a deep breath he pulled his hands back from the table and stared at Alec's piece of cookie. The piece meant for him.

"I don't mean to hurt people. To hurt you." He looked at Alec, the sincerity of what he was saying shining, unshed, in his eyes. "Apparently....it's in my blood, my nature."

Edited 2017-07-11 03:39 (UTC)

"I have lost you and Magnus almost didn't save me." If it hadn't been for the Alliance rune, Alec would have died in the battle. Magnus had been able to protect him while his rune bled and he screamed as the bond snapped into nothingness. "Even if that hadn't happened, you can't convince me that I'd be better without you. You're the first person to ever believe in me."

Nudging the cookie closer to his parabatai, he waited to see if he'd take it. If he didn't eat... Alec had not qualms about guilting Jace when needed. They'd been doing similar things to each other almost since they'd met.

Sensing something was off with Jace, it took him a moment to realize that his parabatai was near tears. Jace rarely cried. After his father died, in secret when no one but Alec could see or after soem of the things Sebastian had done, but not in public. Not over a simple conversation. "You're not hurting me, Jace. There's a difference between confusing and hurting." One that Jace should know. It was almost like he was ten again, waiting for someone to punish him for simply existing. Alec hadn't understood the reasons for that behavior when they were boys but now that they were older, he knew what had caused it. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm your parabatai."

"I still believe in you. More than anyone, Alec. You're my first true friend and the only person I've ever trusted completely."

Jace didn't cry in public, but he was close. It seemed like he'd been close too often lately. He was close now, but he'd spent his entire life controlling his emotions. Focusing on the piece of cookie helped. He took it. Not to eat. Just to make Alec happy.

"I don't even know where to start. Can you believe it? Me. Finding it difficult to talk about myself."

Reluctantly, he took a bite of the cookie. To make Alec happy, not because he was actually hungry.

"Something is wrong with me, Alec." He managed after a moment trying to swallow that one bite. He set the rest of the cookie on the table. "I can't trust my own mind right now. I'm...scared...this is all a glamour or a spell and I'm going to wake up and I'm still going to be chained up on Valentine's ship."

"And I still believe in you, parabatai. Whatever happened, we can get through it." As he spoke. Alec tried to think of what it was that could be hurting Jace so much. If Max could be brought to this place moments before his death, then Jace could be from any time after Alec had met Magnus.

It was probably a strange way to mark their lives, but since Jace hadn't been surprised that he was in a relationship, whatever had happened had to be after that.

Considering how injured Jace had been at the hospital, the stab wound and the obvious sign of a fight, he assumed it had been after he'd gone hunting for Sebastian in Idris. "I can believe it. Remember I don't believe that act you put on for everyone else."

He was about to tell Jace that there was nothing wrong with him when his parabatai said two things that he rarely admitted to. He was scared. The Shadowhunter that at first hadn't needed a Fearless rune to confront the worst demons was afraid. The other comment didn't make sense. Valentine had never chained Jace up. At least Jace had never told Alec that he had. "I don't know what you're talking about with Valentine, but I'm really here. We both are. I'm not going to disappear."

"You wouldn't know. I never had the chance to tell you." Jace's voice was soft, his gaze far away. "Valentine....what he did...doesn't matter."

And then he was focused on Alec. Remembering with perfect clarity the way his dark hair stuck to his skin when he finally opened his eyes and looked at Jace. The way they had clung to each other. He remembered the moment when he was sure he'd lost Alec. The absolute terror and grief.

Even now he he was fighting to stay in his seat. He wanted to reach out and touch Alec's face. Hug him. Hold Alec to him and feel that he was alive and safe. He wanted to believe Alec wouldn't simply disappear if he turned away or closed his eyes.

"I never imagined anything could make me feel so lost, so scared, so alone, and in so much pain I wanted to die. Until I held you in my arms and begged you not to leave me and....for a moment...you did."

It was as if the entire shop didn't exist. Jace was completely focused on Alec, on that memory, and knowing it was his fault Alec had nearly died trying to find him.

Watching Jace, he felt an odd conflicting tangle of emotions through the bond. His parabatai seemed far away, but Alec could sense Jace's pain. Something had happened that had hurt him deeply but there were only a few things that Alec could think of that could cause the kind of hurt he was sensing from his parabatai.

Maybe he was wrong about the time frame. Maybe Jace had been brought here after the Angel had resurrected him. This could be some aftereffect of Jace's runes being altered. He'd pushed Alec and everyone away, encouraging Alec to spend time iwth Magnus, so he'd never gotten a true sense of how the bond felt while Jace struggled with the attempts at possession.

"What Valentine did doesn't matter right now but eventually we'll have to talk about it." Avoiding issues and letting Jace push him away was part of the reason why Sebastian had been able to manipulate them.

Still not understanding what was going on, Alec leaned in and hugged Jace, not caring who saw. "I'm here, Jace. I didn't die." But Alec still couldn't figure out what Jace meant. The only time that Alec had nearly died in his arms was after they fought the Greater Demon and that was weeks before they'd gone to Idris. "I know how it feels to be that lost but I'm here. If you focus on the bond, you'll know this is real."

Jace exhaled as if someone had punched him in the chest and wrapped his arms around Alec. He wouldn't let himself cry, not here, but he couldn't keep himself from wanting to prove Alec was alive. He wasn't losing him. He could hold him and feel him through the bond, just like Alec said he could.

"I love you, Alec."

To love is to destroy, to be loved is to be the one destroyed. His father taught him that when he still young and working so hard to earn his fathers approval and praise. But Jace couldn't imagine his life without Alec. He couldn't imagine not loving him or not being loved by Alec.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just not here."

Whatever had happened had hurt Jace worse than Alec had assumed. The last time his parabatai had reacted like this had been when he'd carried Alec into the Institute's infirmary as Alec struggled to breathe, trying not to panic as he realized he probably he wouldn't make it through the night. Keeping Jace close, he ran a hand over blond hair, chest aching as he realized how shaken up Jace had to be to say that while they were surrounded by Mundanes. "I love you too, Jace. You're not losing me."

When he was sure that he could pull away without Jace thinking he didn't want him near, he sat back to consider is parabatai. Keeping one hand on his arm, he knew he wouldn't get any answers as long as they weren't alone. None of the others would bother them if they hid for awhile, knowing that they needed time together. "We can go back home and talk there."

Jace was relieved when Alec didn't take his hand away, even more relived when he suggested they go back. Alec was the only person he'd ever shared the deepest parts of himself with. Izzy knew him, was close to him, and he loved her. But he had a special bond with Alec.

A bond he'd been ignoring more recently. He needed to fix everything between them. He couldn't risk losing Alec again.

Pushing a stray strand behind his ear, Jace nodded. But before he started to get up he reached for the piece of cookie Alec had given him and finished it.

After making sure that Jace was calming down, he let go of his arm. He knew that he should wait to ask his parabatai questions but he was starting to worry. If one of the possibilities that kept lingering in the back of his mind was true, then they needed to talk to Magnus instead of going back to their apartment.

Waiting until Jace finished the cookie, Alec picked up their cups. "Before we go... are you having dreams about Max or seeing odd runes in your dreams?"

Being Shadowhunters meant odd and weird weren't often things they experienced. Different, strange perhaps. New even. But fighting demons, being Nephilim, living in the Shadow World meant they'd danger, life and death. Rarely did it become odd or weird.

Except Alec's question. It was unexpected and Jace couldn't imagine why Alec would ask. "No." What he did dream about made him not want to sleep at all, but he wasn't going to start that conversation here.

For a few seconds Alec watched his parabatai, trying to decide if Jace was telling the truth. Jace had a tendency to hide what he felt were weaknesses until they got him in trouble. Usually he was honest with Alec, or had been before a certain pair of Mundanes had crashed into their lives. For now he'd trust Jace, assuming that after whatever happened that made him so worried about losing Alec would keep him from the avoidance and lies that he'd used as camouflage before. "I know it sounds strange, but if you do, tell me. Okay?"

Handing Jace his cup, Alec couldn't hide his worry. "If it happens it could be something dangerous and I could really lose you." It was probably something they didn't have to consider since Sebastian was gone - was he really gone? - but that didn't mean Jace might not be vulnerable to certain influences. "I'll explain when we get home."

Jace hesitated before taking the cup. It did sound strange. He couldn't imagine why Alec would be so worried about something like what he was dreaming about. And then he mentally rolled his eyes because if Alec knew his nightmares he'd be worried.

Clearly he was not working at his best today. Running a little slow on everything, including intelligence.

Taking the cup he quickly finished the coffee on the way to the door, hoping it might help. He realized belatedly he hadn't promised he'd tell Alec if he did have strange dreams and perhaps part of the reason because he did tell Alec he would tell him anything he wanted to know.

He would have to tell him about the nightmares. About what happened on Valentine's ship. Everything.

Stopping just outside the door, Jace turned around to look at Alec, placing his hand flat over Alec's heart. "You won't lose me again, Alec. I won't leave you."

Finishing his own coffee, he picked up the second cookie eating part of it while he waited for Jace to work through whatever was causing him to hesitate. Alec tried to ignore the ache it caused. He should have known that Jace wouldn't want to talk to him. Even when they'd nearly died, his promises to be more attentive to their friendship always faded.

He knew how Jace could be. He'd accepted it years ago. Drifting apart was part of being parabatai. It'd happened to their parents. It was foolish to think it wouldn't happen to them, especially when Jace was already cagey about talking about his emotions and problems.

But he wasn't going to let his parabatai get possessed again.

Knowing that they couldn't discuss that in public, he knew that they'd probably argue over it later. Brushing away the last of the crumbs, he almost stumbled when Jace abruptly stopped. Looking down at his parabatai he tried to hide his confusion and wariness. Whatever was going on had to be bad if Jace was needing to reassure himself that Alec was there. "I know you'll always try to be there, Jace. And I'll be here for you."

Try. Try to be there. Just try, but never actually succeeding. He may be feeling a bit on the slow side, but that one word he didn't miss. He understood the meaning behind it. He and Alec had been arguing, disagreeing, growing further apart. He had thought things were better after they talked at Alec's bachelor party.

But he knew.

Alec had nearly died trying to find him. What had he ever sacrificed for Alec? His brother. His parabatai.

Alec had always been there for him. Always.

His promise meant nothing.

Jace slowly pulled his hand away and then quickly turned away before Alec could seethe tears he couldn't stop.

"I know. You always have been."

None of this made sense. Jace didn't stay mad at him. At least not unless they were fighting over Clary. Even then, his parabatai didn't react like this. Not since he'd first arrived at the Institute, ready to fight anyone who came near him while trying to hide how much he was grieving.

For a moment, he felt like he was ten years old, trying to understand why another little boy would have so many bruises that weren't from training. Why he'd look like he desperately needed someone to love him when he'd lived with his father. His father should have loved him but Alec kept thinking that no one had ever loved Jace the way they were supposed to.

Before he realized what he was doing, he caught Jace's arm, pulling them away from the door so they didn't block the way. Then he wrapped his arms around his parabatai, half expecting the kind of near panicked response Jace had given years ago. "Hey. Whatever's wrong, we'll work it out."

Jace's first reaction was to panic and pull away. Dealing with the mess in his head and all the emotions that came with them was too much. Being held made it hurt so much more. He felt vulnerable and he hated that feeling. It terrified him more than any greater demon.

But they were still surrounded by strangers who would see everything. Including the tears he couldn't stop. He didn't care if they saw them hugging. At least this way they couldn't see his face and neither could Alec.

So he didn't push him away. He didn't give into the panic or the fear. He pressed his face against his parabatai and held onto him.

Everything was wrong. The only thing right was Alec being alive. That was the most important thing to Jace.

The panic was completely expected even if it'd been years since Jace had reacted that way. He knew how to hold onto his parabatai without starting the worst of his instincts, knowing that one wrong move might earn a black eye or a broken jaw. Slowly he shifted his wait from one foot to the other, not caring if anyone saw them. What difference did it make if someone did? He'd spent years hiding who he was, who he loved, and he'd only made himself and those around him miserable because of it.

As he rocked from one side to the other, Alec began reciting the oath they'd taken. "Entreat me not to leave thee. Or return from following after thee—" As he spoke the words, he tried to ignore the tears that were soaking through his shirt. Whatever was wrong was worse than he thought but Alec had no idea how to help Jace through whatever had happened before they arrived here.

"For wither thou goest, I shall go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge." It was cracked and quiet, but he knew Alec would hear him while no one else could.

Jace wouldn't leave Alec no matter what happened. Not again. He wouldn't risk losing him. He wouldn't hurt him. He would be the parabatai Alec deserved.

Only when he was sure he could control himself did he carefully begin to peel himself away from Alec. Keeping his eyes focused on Alec's chest he discretely wiped his face with his own shirt. It had been a long time since he'd lost control like this. And never in public. Valentine was right. He was weak and pretending he wasn't didn't change that fact.

"Alec..." Reaching out he snagged Alec's shirt between his fingers. He didn't know how to ask for help without losing it all over again.

"Maybe that's why you're here, Jace." It would sound strange to most beings, but to parabatai, it might be a logical conclusion. "I was sent here so they brought you too. We've been separated too much in the past so now we have another chance."

As Jace pulled away, Alec kept a hand resting on his parabatai's neck. "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out but you need to talk to me. You know I'm here for you. Let me help you this time."

Jace tightened his hold on Alec's shirt. Another chance. If Alec believed they did have another chance, if he could fix things with Alec, it wasn't too late, then he wanted take that chance.

"Do you remember when we were kids and I couldn't sleep?"

Would Alec think it was crazy to want something so childish? It was the only thing he could think of to ask for right then when he couldn't say all the things he needed to say. When they were alone, yes, but not here.

"You mean when you used to sneak into my room and stare at me until I woke up." Jace had been lucky that when they were kids Alec had been a heavy sleeper... or that he didn't sleep with knives close at hand the way Jace had. "Or how you used to insist that I was lonely." Even before Alec had been awake enough to be aware of what Jace was saying, he'd ended up with someone in his bed.

"How long has it been since you slept?" he asked, unable to keep the worry from his voice. This was too much like days before the possession, but Jace had said that he hadn't dreamed about Max or any unusual runes. There's been another dream but he wasn't sure that he should mention them when Jace could fall apart again if Alec said the wrong thing.

Any other time Jace would smile and happily talk about the first time he went to Alec, sneaking into his room so no one else would know. He trusted Alec then. Right then all he could manage was a shaky breath and leaning his forehead against Alec's shoulder.

"I haven't. Not since I stepped through the portal with Valentine." He couldn't sleep, no matter how exhausted he became. He was surrounded by Circle members and his father could be ruthless and cruel if he let his guard down. "I can't sleep."

First it was Valentine and now it was the nightmares. The fear of losing Alec.

Alec almost asked about the portal. He couldn't remember when that might have been, but whatever had happened obviously had hurt Jace deeply. "Then we need to get home. I'll keep you company while you sleep and if that doesn't work, we'll ask Magnus to make a potion." It wasn't an ideal solution but neither was Jace staying awake until he collapsed. Especially if there was a chance that something other than past trauma was influencing him.

Still rubbing the back of Jace's neck, waiting for his parabatai to decide when to pull away. "I could use a nap after everything that happened in Idaho." That could give Jace an excuse to let him stay so that he didn't have to ask. "I'm still run down from keeping the wards going."

Slowly Jace nodded. They could go back and he could try and sleep if Alec stayed and rested. Then he'd know he was safe. Maybe he wouldn't dream if he knew Alec was right there.

To get there he knew he had to take a breath and start moving. Letting go was more difficult than it should have been, but he managed finally. And then started to head back the way they'd come, keeping Alec close and within his peripheral. He had never expected to feel so out of control.

"Then you should rest, too."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject