riverviewlogs | parabatai: lost & found

Watching Jace, he felt an odd conflicting tangle of emotions through the bond. His parabatai seemed far away, but Alec could sense Jace's pain. Something had happened that had hurt him deeply but there were only a few things that Alec could think of that could cause the kind of hurt he was sensing from his parabatai.

Maybe he was wrong about the time frame. Maybe Jace had been brought here after the Angel had resurrected him. This could be some aftereffect of Jace's runes being altered. He'd pushed Alec and everyone away, encouraging Alec to spend time iwth Magnus, so he'd never gotten a true sense of how the bond felt while Jace struggled with the attempts at possession.

"What Valentine did doesn't matter right now but eventually we'll have to talk about it." Avoiding issues and letting Jace push him away was part of the reason why Sebastian had been able to manipulate them.

Still not understanding what was going on, Alec leaned in and hugged Jace, not caring who saw. "I'm here, Jace. I didn't die." But Alec still couldn't figure out what Jace meant. The only time that Alec had nearly died in his arms was after they fought the Greater Demon and that was weeks before they'd gone to Idris. "I know how it feels to be that lost but I'm here. If you focus on the bond, you'll know this is real."

Jace exhaled as if someone had punched him in the chest and wrapped his arms around Alec. He wouldn't let himself cry, not here, but he couldn't keep himself from wanting to prove Alec was alive. He wasn't losing him. He could hold him and feel him through the bond, just like Alec said he could.

"I love you, Alec."

To love is to destroy, to be loved is to be the one destroyed. His father taught him that when he still young and working so hard to earn his fathers approval and praise. But Jace couldn't imagine his life without Alec. He couldn't imagine not loving him or not being loved by Alec.

"I'll tell you anything you want to know. Just not here."

Whatever had happened had hurt Jace worse than Alec had assumed. The last time his parabatai had reacted like this had been when he'd carried Alec into the Institute's infirmary as Alec struggled to breathe, trying not to panic as he realized he probably he wouldn't make it through the night. Keeping Jace close, he ran a hand over blond hair, chest aching as he realized how shaken up Jace had to be to say that while they were surrounded by Mundanes. "I love you too, Jace. You're not losing me."

When he was sure that he could pull away without Jace thinking he didn't want him near, he sat back to consider is parabatai. Keeping one hand on his arm, he knew he wouldn't get any answers as long as they weren't alone. None of the others would bother them if they hid for awhile, knowing that they needed time together. "We can go back home and talk there."

Jace was relieved when Alec didn't take his hand away, even more relived when he suggested they go back. Alec was the only person he'd ever shared the deepest parts of himself with. Izzy knew him, was close to him, and he loved her. But he had a special bond with Alec.

A bond he'd been ignoring more recently. He needed to fix everything between them. He couldn't risk losing Alec again.

Pushing a stray strand behind his ear, Jace nodded. But before he started to get up he reached for the piece of cookie Alec had given him and finished it.

After making sure that Jace was calming down, he let go of his arm. He knew that he should wait to ask his parabatai questions but he was starting to worry. If one of the possibilities that kept lingering in the back of his mind was true, then they needed to talk to Magnus instead of going back to their apartment.

Waiting until Jace finished the cookie, Alec picked up their cups. "Before we go... are you having dreams about Max or seeing odd runes in your dreams?"

Being Shadowhunters meant odd and weird weren't often things they experienced. Different, strange perhaps. New even. But fighting demons, being Nephilim, living in the Shadow World meant they'd danger, life and death. Rarely did it become odd or weird.

Except Alec's question. It was unexpected and Jace couldn't imagine why Alec would ask. "No." What he did dream about made him not want to sleep at all, but he wasn't going to start that conversation here.

For a few seconds Alec watched his parabatai, trying to decide if Jace was telling the truth. Jace had a tendency to hide what he felt were weaknesses until they got him in trouble. Usually he was honest with Alec, or had been before a certain pair of Mundanes had crashed into their lives. For now he'd trust Jace, assuming that after whatever happened that made him so worried about losing Alec would keep him from the avoidance and lies that he'd used as camouflage before. "I know it sounds strange, but if you do, tell me. Okay?"

Handing Jace his cup, Alec couldn't hide his worry. "If it happens it could be something dangerous and I could really lose you." It was probably something they didn't have to consider since Sebastian was gone - was he really gone? - but that didn't mean Jace might not be vulnerable to certain influences. "I'll explain when we get home."

Jace hesitated before taking the cup. It did sound strange. He couldn't imagine why Alec would be so worried about something like what he was dreaming about. And then he mentally rolled his eyes because if Alec knew his nightmares he'd be worried.

Clearly he was not working at his best today. Running a little slow on everything, including intelligence.

Taking the cup he quickly finished the coffee on the way to the door, hoping it might help. He realized belatedly he hadn't promised he'd tell Alec if he did have strange dreams and perhaps part of the reason because he did tell Alec he would tell him anything he wanted to know.

He would have to tell him about the nightmares. About what happened on Valentine's ship. Everything.

Stopping just outside the door, Jace turned around to look at Alec, placing his hand flat over Alec's heart. "You won't lose me again, Alec. I won't leave you."

Finishing his own coffee, he picked up the second cookie eating part of it while he waited for Jace to work through whatever was causing him to hesitate. Alec tried to ignore the ache it caused. He should have known that Jace wouldn't want to talk to him. Even when they'd nearly died, his promises to be more attentive to their friendship always faded.

He knew how Jace could be. He'd accepted it years ago. Drifting apart was part of being parabatai. It'd happened to their parents. It was foolish to think it wouldn't happen to them, especially when Jace was already cagey about talking about his emotions and problems.

But he wasn't going to let his parabatai get possessed again.

Knowing that they couldn't discuss that in public, he knew that they'd probably argue over it later. Brushing away the last of the crumbs, he almost stumbled when Jace abruptly stopped. Looking down at his parabatai he tried to hide his confusion and wariness. Whatever was going on had to be bad if Jace was needing to reassure himself that Alec was there. "I know you'll always try to be there, Jace. And I'll be here for you."

Try. Try to be there. Just try, but never actually succeeding. He may be feeling a bit on the slow side, but that one word he didn't miss. He understood the meaning behind it. He and Alec had been arguing, disagreeing, growing further apart. He had thought things were better after they talked at Alec's bachelor party.

But he knew.

Alec had nearly died trying to find him. What had he ever sacrificed for Alec? His brother. His parabatai.

Alec had always been there for him. Always.

His promise meant nothing.

Jace slowly pulled his hand away and then quickly turned away before Alec could seethe tears he couldn't stop.

"I know. You always have been."

None of this made sense. Jace didn't stay mad at him. At least not unless they were fighting over Clary. Even then, his parabatai didn't react like this. Not since he'd first arrived at the Institute, ready to fight anyone who came near him while trying to hide how much he was grieving.

For a moment, he felt like he was ten years old, trying to understand why another little boy would have so many bruises that weren't from training. Why he'd look like he desperately needed someone to love him when he'd lived with his father. His father should have loved him but Alec kept thinking that no one had ever loved Jace the way they were supposed to.

Before he realized what he was doing, he caught Jace's arm, pulling them away from the door so they didn't block the way. Then he wrapped his arms around his parabatai, half expecting the kind of near panicked response Jace had given years ago. "Hey. Whatever's wrong, we'll work it out."

Jace's first reaction was to panic and pull away. Dealing with the mess in his head and all the emotions that came with them was too much. Being held made it hurt so much more. He felt vulnerable and he hated that feeling. It terrified him more than any greater demon.

But they were still surrounded by strangers who would see everything. Including the tears he couldn't stop. He didn't care if they saw them hugging. At least this way they couldn't see his face and neither could Alec.

So he didn't push him away. He didn't give into the panic or the fear. He pressed his face against his parabatai and held onto him.

Everything was wrong. The only thing right was Alec being alive. That was the most important thing to Jace.

The panic was completely expected even if it'd been years since Jace had reacted that way. He knew how to hold onto his parabatai without starting the worst of his instincts, knowing that one wrong move might earn a black eye or a broken jaw. Slowly he shifted his wait from one foot to the other, not caring if anyone saw them. What difference did it make if someone did? He'd spent years hiding who he was, who he loved, and he'd only made himself and those around him miserable because of it.

As he rocked from one side to the other, Alec began reciting the oath they'd taken. "Entreat me not to leave thee. Or return from following after thee—" As he spoke the words, he tried to ignore the tears that were soaking through his shirt. Whatever was wrong was worse than he thought but Alec had no idea how to help Jace through whatever had happened before they arrived here.

"For wither thou goest, I shall go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge." It was cracked and quiet, but he knew Alec would hear him while no one else could.

Jace wouldn't leave Alec no matter what happened. Not again. He wouldn't risk losing him. He wouldn't hurt him. He would be the parabatai Alec deserved.

Only when he was sure he could control himself did he carefully begin to peel himself away from Alec. Keeping his eyes focused on Alec's chest he discretely wiped his face with his own shirt. It had been a long time since he'd lost control like this. And never in public. Valentine was right. He was weak and pretending he wasn't didn't change that fact.

"Alec..." Reaching out he snagged Alec's shirt between his fingers. He didn't know how to ask for help without losing it all over again.

"Maybe that's why you're here, Jace." It would sound strange to most beings, but to parabatai, it might be a logical conclusion. "I was sent here so they brought you too. We've been separated too much in the past so now we have another chance."

As Jace pulled away, Alec kept a hand resting on his parabatai's neck. "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out but you need to talk to me. You know I'm here for you. Let me help you this time."

Jace tightened his hold on Alec's shirt. Another chance. If Alec believed they did have another chance, if he could fix things with Alec, it wasn't too late, then he wanted take that chance.

"Do you remember when we were kids and I couldn't sleep?"

Would Alec think it was crazy to want something so childish? It was the only thing he could think of to ask for right then when he couldn't say all the things he needed to say. When they were alone, yes, but not here.

"You mean when you used to sneak into my room and stare at me until I woke up." Jace had been lucky that when they were kids Alec had been a heavy sleeper... or that he didn't sleep with knives close at hand the way Jace had. "Or how you used to insist that I was lonely." Even before Alec had been awake enough to be aware of what Jace was saying, he'd ended up with someone in his bed.

"How long has it been since you slept?" he asked, unable to keep the worry from his voice. This was too much like days before the possession, but Jace had said that he hadn't dreamed about Max or any unusual runes. There's been another dream but he wasn't sure that he should mention them when Jace could fall apart again if Alec said the wrong thing.

Any other time Jace would smile and happily talk about the first time he went to Alec, sneaking into his room so no one else would know. He trusted Alec then. Right then all he could manage was a shaky breath and leaning his forehead against Alec's shoulder.

"I haven't. Not since I stepped through the portal with Valentine." He couldn't sleep, no matter how exhausted he became. He was surrounded by Circle members and his father could be ruthless and cruel if he let his guard down. "I can't sleep."

First it was Valentine and now it was the nightmares. The fear of losing Alec.

Alec almost asked about the portal. He couldn't remember when that might have been, but whatever had happened obviously had hurt Jace deeply. "Then we need to get home. I'll keep you company while you sleep and if that doesn't work, we'll ask Magnus to make a potion." It wasn't an ideal solution but neither was Jace staying awake until he collapsed. Especially if there was a chance that something other than past trauma was influencing him.

Still rubbing the back of Jace's neck, waiting for his parabatai to decide when to pull away. "I could use a nap after everything that happened in Idaho." That could give Jace an excuse to let him stay so that he didn't have to ask. "I'm still run down from keeping the wards going."

Slowly Jace nodded. They could go back and he could try and sleep if Alec stayed and rested. Then he'd know he was safe. Maybe he wouldn't dream if he knew Alec was right there.

To get there he knew he had to take a breath and start moving. Letting go was more difficult than it should have been, but he managed finally. And then started to head back the way they'd come, keeping Alec close and within his peripheral. He had never expected to feel so out of control.

"Then you should rest, too."

Focusing on Jace's reactions and movements, he tried to understand the emotions that were creeping through their bond. He hadn't felt anything like it before. In the past he'd always been able to sense Jace, a hint of warmth and certainty of knowing that he was never alone. This was something completely foreign. The possession, the hurt over Maryse rejecting Jace in her strange attempt at trying to protect him from the Clave... Even the grief over Max and Valentine didn't match what was bleeding through to Alec.

Maybe if they'd been parabatai when Jace had first arrived at the Institute he would have felt something similar, but nothing since the ceremony matched what they'd been through. He'd never experienced Jace feeling so lost. "Yeah, I should. Too much happened after the zombies for me to get any down time."

He almost pulled his stele to activate his glamour rune so that they could make their way back to the apartment without Jace worrying about anyone seeing his distress, but he wasn't sure how his parabatai would react. Instead he made sure that his shoulder constantly brushed against Jace.

As they walked, Alec kept talking, describing random moments from after the zombie attack and his life running a record store. Anything that would reassure Jace that he was really there, hoping that the sound of his voice would keep his parabatai from breaking down again. "Magnus threw a party at the record store. There was Jell-O everywhere. Izzy and I couldn't remember if we'd ever had it before. I managed to convince her to try to make it the next time she decided that she can cook."

Jace was listening. To every. Word. The sound of Alec's voice. He was clinging to the bond, the feeling of Alec next to him. He wasn't paying attention to where they were or where they were going. He trusted Alec completely. To be there. To take them home.

Even when he had not been there for Alec.

"I'll be sure to ask her for some Jell-O the first chance I get." He was still trying to imagine Alec owning a Mundane business. But it wasn't difficult to imagine Alec surrounded by music. "You and Magnus...were happy there. In Idaho."

He realized he was holding onto Alec's shirt again. Like a child. Taking a deep breath he let go.

"I bet you never imagined when you took the oath that you would be babysitting me."

"I think she'd like that. She was excited over the idea of making something we could eat. Little steps until she can learn to make something edible." At least Alec hoped that it'd work out that way. Even if it didn't, he'd try whatever culinary misadventure that his sister made. "We were. We didn't really remember anything about our lives in New York so it seemed normal."

Alec wasn't sure if he missed that or not. He was grateful that he hadn't had to worry about demon attacks in Wayward Pines and he was relieved that they seemed to be somewhere that it wasn't as likely as it had been back home. "We didn't have to worry about the Clave forcing us apart." Even if they were back in their world, Alec wouldn't worry about it. He wouldn't let anything separate them.

Noticing the grip on his sleeve had suddenly disappeared, he caught the sleeve of Jace's shirt, not caring how it might look to those around them. "Actually, babysitting you is exactly how I imagined being parabatai would be like. Wherever he goes, I go. Whenever he gets in trouble, I drag him out of it."

"If you eat, I eat." Jace promised. He loved Izzy. He teased her about her cooking, but he'd taste test anything. If Alec jumped he'd jump. That's the way parabatai were suppose to be.

"Do you miss it? The normal?" He asked, feeling instantly better the moment Alec didn't let him go. And then he actually smiled. It was brief, but he also felt a little better for it. Safer. More grounded. "Is that why you said yes?"

"I'm going to remind you of that later." Not just when Izzy was experimenting in the kitchen. He knew that he'd have to keep an eye on Jace to make sure that he actually ate instead of making vague promises or putting off meals.

"I miss parts of it," he admitted. "I liked knowing that Izzy was safe and no one was trying to kill us. No one cared that I was gay." Which shouldn't matter as much as it did. The Clave still seemed to either use his age or his orientation as a reason not to listen to him when he discussed Downworlder matters. "I miss all the records in the shop but most of them were destroyed."

He missed the shop and their 'castle' more than he wanted to admit.

"It was part of the reason. You were the only person who believed in me. You needed someone to keep you steady." Alec's breaking heart didn't matter compared to that. "Why'd you ask?"

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