riverviewlogs | parabatai: lost & found

"Jace, what are you talking about? That was months ago. I didn't die." There'd been a few moments where Alec had thought he would. When he couldn't breathe, choking on blood while Jace and Izzy held him. "I was close to dying but I didn't. You've still got your parabatai rune, right?" Without thinking his own hand drifted to the one that Jace had drawn on his side. "If I'd died, it would have started bleeding. You would have felt..."

Was Jace remembering something about what had happened when Valentine had used him to summon the Angel? He shouldn't have felt anything from Alec at that point. He'd been lost to them, the bond almost severed. Alec wasn't sure what exactly happened to him on the battlefield. Magnus had never wanted to discuss it but Alec knew it'd been terrible, the pain blinding him to everything else around them. But Jace had been dead. Even if Alec's heart had briefly stopped during that moment, Jace wouldn't have felt it.

Sitting down beside his parabatai, he began pulling off his boots, glancing over at Jace before setting them out of the way. "I know, Jace. I know how it feels and how easy it is to follow." If Magnus hadn't been with him, the Alliance rune humming between them, Alec probably would have followed Jace into the next life. And been left there alone.

The thought caused something painful to catch in his chest and he automatically reached for Jace's hand. "You don't have to do it." His voice sounded rough, but he ignored it instead of trying to hide the emotion that was making it difficult to speak. "We're here together. Nothing's going to separate us again."

Jace blinked through the tears, tried to focus on their hands, and then gave up, pulling Alec's hand to his lip and letting out a barely contained sob. He wanted to tell Alec everything, tell him the truth, but suddenly he couldn't do anything other than cling to Alec and cry like he had the first time his father had left him alone for more than a day.

He hated crying. He'd hated feeling vulnerable and weak. He hated being afraid of what people would see or what they would think. He hated the way he internally flinched, after all these years, with the memory of the punishments he'd received for being weak.

"I'm so sorry, Alec."

As soon as he heard that sob, Alec pulled Jace close, holding him the way he had when he'd been grieving over Michael. It hurt hearing how heartbroken Jace sounded and knowing that he could fix whatever had caused that pain. Somehow whatever was hurting Jace was related to Alec, but he didn't know what it could be. Jace wasn't angry at him. He acted like he'd caused Alec some mortal wound but he never had. Even when Alec had jumped in front of the Greater Demon, it had been his choice not the result of something Jace had done.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong and even if you did, you know I'd forgive you." No matter how angry or frustrated Jace had made him over the years, Alec had always forgiven him.

He kept repeating that he was forgiven, that he was there, that they were both safe. When he thought Jace was more stable mentally, he began shifting them both toward the center of the bed so they both could eventually lie down. "Focus on the bond, Jace. It'll tell you that I'm really here."

No one else would ever be allowed to touch or to handle Jace the way Alec did. They were so much more than brothers or parabatai. Jace understood that more now than he ever did. Losing Alec, even for that brief moment, was a lesson he'd give anything to not have had to learn. Not like that.

So he moved when Alec moved, staying close to him, slowly regaining control over his tears. Enough to not be sobbing uncontrollably on his parabatai.

The bond.

Closing his eyes he pressed his face into Alec and breathed, doing exactly what he was told to do. Focusing on the bond between them, remembering the oath, remembering the first time he'd met Alec. He remembered the first time Alec had held onto him like he was now. He remembered clinging to Alec and begging him not to leave him. He remembered Alec drawing his parabatai rune. He remembered drawing Alec's.

He focused only on Alec and their life together. Nothing of Valentine and his time on the ship. Nothing of his life before Alec. He didn't remember pulling Alec down with him, but when he opened his eyes again they were laying in the middle of the bed and his parabatai rune was warm. He could feel Alec, the other half of his soul.

"I've been a jerk. Worse than a jerk. How can you keep forgiving me after what I've done?"

Closing his eyes, he followed his own instructions, focusing on the bond that had been part of their lives for years. Once he'd felt it torn from him and another... It'd felt like it had been stretched until it almost snapped, but there had still been an undercurrent of awareness with it no matter how far away Jace was. Alec felt something similar to that now along with the steady warmth and grief that he knew was an echo Jace's emotions. Alec didn't know why he felt something faint beneath the grief and guilt when he had Jace beside him. Maybe it was part of what had caused the emotional break that they were weathering together.

Running his hand over blond hair, he kept speaking, making sure that every breath he took was slow and steady. Jace would eventually mimic him if Alec focused on keeping them both calm. Sinking into that calmness, he focused on it instead of the darker emotions that were bleeding through from his parabatai. Whatever had happened, it had been worse than what Alec had assumed when they were in New York or Idris.

When Jace opened his eyes, Alec smiled, still playing with his parabatai's hair like he had when Jace had snuck into his bed when they were kids. "I keep forgiving you because loving someone means forgiving them when they're jerks or worse than jerks. Even when you're not sure what they did that you're supposed to forgive."

"Maybe Idaho scrambled your brain more than you thought if you can't remember." Jace reached up to touched Alec's cheek as he spoke, his breathing and heart beat finally matching Alec's. It didn't fix the pain and guilt he still felt, but he did feel less lost, less out of control. Grounded in a way only Alec could accomplish.

"Do you really want to know?" He asked quietly. He would tell Alec everything if he asked. Every moment he regretted, every hurtful word. It didn't matter that he always did what he believed to be right. Believing it's right doesn't make it so. Valentine believes he's right and he may be right about some things. Jace isn't sure of much right now. The only thing he's absolutely sure of right in this moment is that he loves Alec and he can't live without his parabatai.

"Actually, they did scramble my brain," he said softly, hoping that his tone would prove that there was no reason to worry. "They altered my memories but I'm getting them back." It was part of the reason why he hadn't known what the strange, aching feeling he had meant or why he remembered the pain of Jace's death but not the context for it.

"I want to know but not until you've slept. And probably ate." His parabatai had probably forgotten about important things like meals if he hadn't slept in days. "We both need rest." Alec didn't need sleep as much as Jace seemed to but extra sleep wouldn't hurt after he'd run himself down to complete exhaustion. He didn't even need to feign the yawn that caught him by surprise. Now that the ache was gone, he realized how tired he was in a way that he doubted that anyone but Jace would understand. Part of him had been searching for his parabatai and now they were together. Safe. "Then you can tell me what I'm supposed to forgive you for."

Searching Alec's face, his eyes, Jace brushed his fingers against Alec's jaw and neck before curling them against his nape. He did need rest. They both did. Alec knew him too well, too. Guessing that he hadn't eaten as much as he hadn't slept. It was difficult to eat when his stomach was in knots. Taking a deep breath he held onto Alec and closed his eyes.

"The list is long, Alec. You'd better get some sleep. Save up your strength."

Maybe, with Alec here with him, he could sleep. Really sleep. No nightmares. No laying awake wondering when someone would come through the door, wondering when his father would decide he needed to be tested again. Or punished.

"Facilis descensus Averni." he murmured quietly, gently stroking his fingers up into Alec's hair and back down again. Opening his eyes the moment he started to drift. Over and over. Until Alec's face was just a blur. Until he couldn't open his eyes or move his fingers.

Alec didn't show any unusual reaction to the signs of affection, but they seemed strange. Jace wasn't the one that was tactile. It had always been Alec who had rested a hand on his parabatai's arm, instigated hugs, or played with Jace's hair. Making a sound of agreement, he closed his eyes, ignoring his worries over his parabatai. "Need rest because I helped power wards for three days not to get through your list."

Focusing on his parabatai, he refused to even try to sleep until Jace drifted off. Briefly, he thought of when they were younger, how having Jace this close, this affectionate would have broken his heart. Now it caused a wistful ache that was easily ignored as he tried to understand what had happened to Jace. When Jace quoted the Latin they had memorized years ago, he winced mentally before thinking of a phrase to reassure his friend. "Verae amilcitiae simpiternae sunt.*"

(*True friendships are eternal.)

Despite feeling as if he'd slept too deeply to dream, Jace woke with his heart racing and frantically calling out Alec's name. For a moment he feared the dream had really been Alec in his bed, holding him, reassuring him while he begged him not to die. But he realized that was the nightmare he'd been having. And the reality.

Alec hadn't left him. He was still there with him in his bed. And he was alive. Reassured by warmth of Alec's skin where his face was still pressed into his neck he had to wonder how he ended up sprawled on top of Alec while simultaneously clinging to him. Alec couldn't be comfortable enough to sleep.

The position hadn't been the most comfortable, but they'd both learned to deal with less than ideal sleeping situations. As long as Jace was beside him, he'd sleep, especially when he knew that his parabatai needed him.

The sound of his name caused Alec to jerk awake, one arm tightening automatically around Jace while he reached for a knife that... wasn't there. It wasn't his bedroom. Or Magnus' even though it was similar in design. Blinking up at the ceiling he remembered why he wasn't in the right bedroom and why he had a very cuddling parabatai wrapped around him. "I'm still here." Which was obvious since he was now Jace's pillow but the sound of Alec's voice might comfort him. "We can sleep for a couple more hours."

Jace pressed his face in closer, breathed Alec in for a moment before carefully shifting over so he wasn't laying on top of him. He stayed close, his leg draped over Alec's and his arm over his chest. "Did you actually sleep? I can move if you're uncomfortable. And don't say your fine because you're worried about me."

He would move to make Alec more comfortable, but he would happily stay where he was for a few more hours if Alec didn't mind.

Relieved when Jace moved, he inhaled deeply. His breathing hadn't been restricted but it was more comfortable without his parabatai on top of him. If he wasn't tired, lulled by having Jace beside him after months of separation, he probably would have thought it was weird that they were tangled up together. They'd slept together before but Jace usually kept to his side of the bed or just enough contact to know Alec was there. "Jace, I drained myself so much that stamina runes stopped working." Pausing, he let out a yawn that almost popped his jaw. "I could probably pass out at the Dumort and not care who tried to bite me." No one would. Lily would make sure that he was safe but Jace knew it wasn't an option that he'd normally choose.

Jace lifted his head, seriously concerned. He hadn't realized how bad it had been for Alec. Looking down at the way he was still draped over him he reluctantly moved his leg and gave Alec more personal space.

"Go to sleep, Alec." He was still close, could still feel Alec's warmth through his clothes, and it was with pained effort that he finally withdrew his arm, keeping his hand on Alec's chest. He closed his eyes, but he didn't think he could fall asleep again. "You should have told me-I should have listened. I'm sorry."

Arching an eyebrow when Jace finally moved, he tried to keep the amusement out of his expression. When they were younger, Alec would have been in a panic over having his best friend draped across him in such a compromising position. Now it wasn't embarrassing, just awkward due to the bed barely being big enough for two. "You go to sleep, Jace."

Muttering under his breath, he grabbed Jace's hand and tugged him back into place the way he'd been after he moved his leg. "Should have told you what?" Closing his eyes, he focused on the bond, on the relief he felt that the ache he'd lived with for months was finally gone. "You weren't in Wayward Pines when it happened." Shifting slightly, he managed to get his hand to Jace's neck and began running his fingers over blond hair. "You don't have to keep apologizing."

"If I were a better parabatai I wouldn't need to apologize. I should have been there with you. I should have listened when you tried to tell me about the wards and zombies."

Jace curled into and around Alec. Somehow, no matter how he tried, Alec was always taking care of him. The focus always shifted to him even when Alec needed to be taken care of and listened to and respected for being one the best Shadowhunters.

"I can't sleep. Tell me something you liked about Idaho."

It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't completely true either. He could sleep with ALec's hand and his heart, his warmth seeping into Jace through their bond and their clothes. But he wanted to hear ALec's voice, too. He wanted to hear him talk about something he liked, something that made him happy.

Maybe he was too sleepy to understand Jace or the injuries he'd had at the hospital were effecting him more than Alec had assumed. Nothing his parabatai said made sense. "I barely told you anything about the zombies and weird magic or mad scientists dragged me into another reality. That's not something you could have helped with."

Assuming that he wouldn't get an answer related to the apologies, he was quiet for a moment. Some of the things he'd liked weren't the kinds of things parabatai were supposed to share with each other. "I liked the shop. It was cluttered with ridiculous Mundane things, but it was mine. It was comfortable like the library at the Institute. We started a garden."

Jace had always been fond of the greenhouse at the Institute and the strange plants Hodge grew. "I planted pansies in yard and we had a topiary guard the house." That sounded strange, but it was also perfectly normal for Magnus." As he spoke, he continued stroking Jace's hair. "I had these beautiful training rooms. Stunning weapons and spaces that were calm."

As Alec spoke, Jace imagined everything. At least, he tried. At some point, between Alec's soothing voice, the warmth he could feel through their bond, and the comfortable way Alec touched his hair, he must have fallen asleep again. He didn't dream of monsters wearing the face of once beloved fathers. He didn't dream of pain and lies. He didn't dream he was turning into a demon and betraying everyone he loved.

He didn't dream of Alec, dying and turning to dust in his arms.

He didn't dream at all.

parabatai: lost & found

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