riverviewlogs | parabatai: lost & found

Slowly Jace nodded. They could go back and he could try and sleep if Alec stayed and rested. Then he'd know he was safe. Maybe he wouldn't dream if he knew Alec was right there.

To get there he knew he had to take a breath and start moving. Letting go was more difficult than it should have been, but he managed finally. And then started to head back the way they'd come, keeping Alec close and within his peripheral. He had never expected to feel so out of control.

"Then you should rest, too."

Focusing on Jace's reactions and movements, he tried to understand the emotions that were creeping through their bond. He hadn't felt anything like it before. In the past he'd always been able to sense Jace, a hint of warmth and certainty of knowing that he was never alone. This was something completely foreign. The possession, the hurt over Maryse rejecting Jace in her strange attempt at trying to protect him from the Clave... Even the grief over Max and Valentine didn't match what was bleeding through to Alec.

Maybe if they'd been parabatai when Jace had first arrived at the Institute he would have felt something similar, but nothing since the ceremony matched what they'd been through. He'd never experienced Jace feeling so lost. "Yeah, I should. Too much happened after the zombies for me to get any down time."

He almost pulled his stele to activate his glamour rune so that they could make their way back to the apartment without Jace worrying about anyone seeing his distress, but he wasn't sure how his parabatai would react. Instead he made sure that his shoulder constantly brushed against Jace.

As they walked, Alec kept talking, describing random moments from after the zombie attack and his life running a record store. Anything that would reassure Jace that he was really there, hoping that the sound of his voice would keep his parabatai from breaking down again. "Magnus threw a party at the record store. There was Jell-O everywhere. Izzy and I couldn't remember if we'd ever had it before. I managed to convince her to try to make it the next time she decided that she can cook."

Jace was listening. To every. Word. The sound of Alec's voice. He was clinging to the bond, the feeling of Alec next to him. He wasn't paying attention to where they were or where they were going. He trusted Alec completely. To be there. To take them home.

Even when he had not been there for Alec.

"I'll be sure to ask her for some Jell-O the first chance I get." He was still trying to imagine Alec owning a Mundane business. But it wasn't difficult to imagine Alec surrounded by music. "You and Magnus...were happy there. In Idaho."

He realized he was holding onto Alec's shirt again. Like a child. Taking a deep breath he let go.

"I bet you never imagined when you took the oath that you would be babysitting me."

"I think she'd like that. She was excited over the idea of making something we could eat. Little steps until she can learn to make something edible." At least Alec hoped that it'd work out that way. Even if it didn't, he'd try whatever culinary misadventure that his sister made. "We were. We didn't really remember anything about our lives in New York so it seemed normal."

Alec wasn't sure if he missed that or not. He was grateful that he hadn't had to worry about demon attacks in Wayward Pines and he was relieved that they seemed to be somewhere that it wasn't as likely as it had been back home. "We didn't have to worry about the Clave forcing us apart." Even if they were back in their world, Alec wouldn't worry about it. He wouldn't let anything separate them.

Noticing the grip on his sleeve had suddenly disappeared, he caught the sleeve of Jace's shirt, not caring how it might look to those around them. "Actually, babysitting you is exactly how I imagined being parabatai would be like. Wherever he goes, I go. Whenever he gets in trouble, I drag him out of it."

"If you eat, I eat." Jace promised. He loved Izzy. He teased her about her cooking, but he'd taste test anything. If Alec jumped he'd jump. That's the way parabatai were suppose to be.

"Do you miss it? The normal?" He asked, feeling instantly better the moment Alec didn't let him go. And then he actually smiled. It was brief, but he also felt a little better for it. Safer. More grounded. "Is that why you said yes?"

"I'm going to remind you of that later." Not just when Izzy was experimenting in the kitchen. He knew that he'd have to keep an eye on Jace to make sure that he actually ate instead of making vague promises or putting off meals.

"I miss parts of it," he admitted. "I liked knowing that Izzy was safe and no one was trying to kill us. No one cared that I was gay." Which shouldn't matter as much as it did. The Clave still seemed to either use his age or his orientation as a reason not to listen to him when he discussed Downworlder matters. "I miss all the records in the shop but most of them were destroyed."

He missed the shop and their 'castle' more than he wanted to admit.

"It was part of the reason. You were the only person who believed in me. You needed someone to keep you steady." Alec's breaking heart didn't matter compared to that. "Why'd you ask?"

"I'm sure we can replace the records here." It was an offer for something normal. Something not babysitting or dealing with a broken parabatai. Alec needed some normal. And maybe he did too. A family that was safe and not being torn apart by his psychotic father.

And his demonic son.

Jace stopped walking. Standing there staring at nothing for a moment before he looked at Alec, his fingers white knuckled where he was gripping his shirt.

"No one is as strong or compassionate as you are, Alec. You're everything I'm not. I couldn't trust anyone the way I can trust you. They all wanted the weapon. You just wanted me."

"I hope so. We'll need a turntable too." The system he'd had before had been perfect. So had the jukebox that they'd used at the shop. Usually he didn't care about furniture or electronics but he was picky when it related to his music collection.

Stopping automatically when Jace did, he lifted an eyebrow to silently ask Jace what was wrong. Alec pretended that he didn't notice how tightly he held onto his sleeve, waiting for his parabatai to speak.

"Do you realize how important it is that you thought that?" Jace probably never realized it, but Alec had. It'd been one of the reasons why he'd agreed to the bond even though it meant that Alec would never get the first love he'd hoped for. "You didn't see me as weak." Valentine would have mocked him for it, found some way to turn Alec's compassion into another lesson to turn Jace into the perfect warrior. "I still just want you, Jace, but you're wrong. Our souls wouldn't be bound together if we weren't similar somehow."

Jace shook his head slowly, lowering his gaze. "No. You're nothing like me, Alec. You're good. You think of others before yourself. You don't hurt people, you save them."

Maryse and Robert always treated him with love and acceptance. They always treated Alec and Isabelle differently. Not without love. But different. What they couldn't give them Jace tried so hard to give. He loved Izzy for her her intelligence and for being so comfortable in her own skin. And Alec. Alec was everything. Strong, good, intelligent, courageous, funny, beautiful. He was all heart and the strongest Shadowhunter he knew.

"You're not weak. You were never weak."

"I've hurt people too, Jace. I've made mistakes and done stupid things." Things that had almost ruined his relationship with Magnus. Ones that may have gotten Max killed. Maybe. He still wasn't sure if anything he thought he knew about that night was true. "You need to quit idolizing me."

That was something new that Alec didn't expect. Jace cared, seeing him in a better light than most beings, but he hadn't made him seem nearly perfect. "You're good. Whatever happened, however things turned out, you had the best intentions and that's all we can hope for. You've always done what you believed was right. That's something I haven't always done."

"I don't idolize you." Jace reached up and curled his fingers against the nape of Alec's neck and gently pulled his parabatai towards him. Pressing their foreheads together and closing his eyes. "I love you. I respect you. Stupid and all."

He didn't want to argue, he didn't want to fight. They'd done too much of that already.

"Can we please go home?"

Alec didn't quite believe that Jace wasn't putting him on some kind of pedestal but that wasn't something to worry about while Jace was coping with whatever had happened before he arrived. "I love you and respect you." As he spoke, he tried to ignore the coldness that was creeping along his spine. Something was definitely wrong if his parabatai was so emotional.

"Yeah, we can go home." Slowly stepping away, he made sure that he still held onto Jace's sleeve as he led him back to the apartment. He started talking about the boring, mundane things that had happened in Wayward Pines. His attempts at cooking and growing flowers, organizing the shop and the music he'd played when he was alone. Anything to remind Jace that he was there but wouldn't bring up something from the past that might hurt him worse.

Jace couldn't imagine any of these things with any kind of clarity. Alec cooking was easy enough. Any time Izzy started to make them something, Alec would find some brotherly way to take over. But flowers? A garden? Music. Music he could imagine. The music shop. Yes. But the only life he'd ever known was with his father or living at the Institute. Training. Fighting.

He headed straight for the apartment he and Magnus were sharing, his mind calmer, still trying to picture Alec happy and living a life without demons or without him. He had his emotions mostly under control, but He didn't want Max to see him like this. He didn't want anyone to see him like this, although he doubted he could hide anything from a Warlock.

When he shut the door behind them and turned to face the room he realized they were finally alone. Magnus wasn't home. He vaguely wondered where his roommate was at the moment. Magnus had been there when he finally reached Alec's side. Magnus had been there the entire time while Jace had been...where?

It had taken him too long to get back to Alec. He should have killed Valentine when he had the chance, not follow him through the damn portal. It seemed oddly wrong that Magnus wasn't here now. With Alec. Instead of him. But when Jace looked at Alec he felt a rush of relief and overwhelming grief, the same feeling he had when he saw Alec at the hospital.

Alec was alive. He hadn't left him.

There was a part of him that missed the normalcy that he'd built in Wayward Pines. He hadn't realized it until he started talking about pansies and cooking dinner. Silly, inane details that he told himself that he could rebuild here even if they were both going to be in the Perimeter Guard. Eventually, they could find someplace big enough for all of them. Maybe start another garden, this time with his parabatai's help since Jace had always liked the greenhouse at the Institute.

Slowly the words faded as they entered Jace and Magnus' apartment. He knew that his husband was out, probably at the bar or hitting the local shops to replace the things they'd lost in their unexpected move. Max would be at school for a few hours so no one would be there to overhear them or see Jace's emotional state.

Hand still on Jace's sleeve, he led his parabatai into the bedroom he knew belonged to Jace. Then he let go, keeping close enough that he was technically invading his parabatai's space... if he wasn't so desperate to keep Alec within sight and touch. "Sleep then we talk later?" Knowing that Jace probably would complain, he exaggerated a yawn. "I'll probably sleep better knowing you're here."

"You died. You died and I barely managed to get you back." Alec was right. He'd barely slept. He couldn't sleep on the ship, it wasn't safe. He hadn't had time after jumping into the water. He was a traitor and Alec had needed him.

With no one to see him Jace felt his control slipping away. Everything that had happened--the arguments, Valentine, the ship, the werewolves, losing Alec--they were all hitting him too hard to be normal. "And then I saw you. In the hallway outside of Max's room."

He hadn't moved towards the bed yet. Simply standing there feeling like he was drowning all over again. Trying to swallow the painful knot in his throat he finally sat on the bed and started to remove his boots.

"I would have followed you. Without hesitation. I felt what it would be like to live without you and I can't. I can't do it, Alec."

"Jace, what are you talking about? That was months ago. I didn't die." There'd been a few moments where Alec had thought he would. When he couldn't breathe, choking on blood while Jace and Izzy held him. "I was close to dying but I didn't. You've still got your parabatai rune, right?" Without thinking his own hand drifted to the one that Jace had drawn on his side. "If I'd died, it would have started bleeding. You would have felt..."

Was Jace remembering something about what had happened when Valentine had used him to summon the Angel? He shouldn't have felt anything from Alec at that point. He'd been lost to them, the bond almost severed. Alec wasn't sure what exactly happened to him on the battlefield. Magnus had never wanted to discuss it but Alec knew it'd been terrible, the pain blinding him to everything else around them. But Jace had been dead. Even if Alec's heart had briefly stopped during that moment, Jace wouldn't have felt it.

Sitting down beside his parabatai, he began pulling off his boots, glancing over at Jace before setting them out of the way. "I know, Jace. I know how it feels and how easy it is to follow." If Magnus hadn't been with him, the Alliance rune humming between them, Alec probably would have followed Jace into the next life. And been left there alone.

The thought caused something painful to catch in his chest and he automatically reached for Jace's hand. "You don't have to do it." His voice sounded rough, but he ignored it instead of trying to hide the emotion that was making it difficult to speak. "We're here together. Nothing's going to separate us again."

Jace blinked through the tears, tried to focus on their hands, and then gave up, pulling Alec's hand to his lip and letting out a barely contained sob. He wanted to tell Alec everything, tell him the truth, but suddenly he couldn't do anything other than cling to Alec and cry like he had the first time his father had left him alone for more than a day.

He hated crying. He'd hated feeling vulnerable and weak. He hated being afraid of what people would see or what they would think. He hated the way he internally flinched, after all these years, with the memory of the punishments he'd received for being weak.

"I'm so sorry, Alec."

As soon as he heard that sob, Alec pulled Jace close, holding him the way he had when he'd been grieving over Michael. It hurt hearing how heartbroken Jace sounded and knowing that he could fix whatever had caused that pain. Somehow whatever was hurting Jace was related to Alec, but he didn't know what it could be. Jace wasn't angry at him. He acted like he'd caused Alec some mortal wound but he never had. Even when Alec had jumped in front of the Greater Demon, it had been his choice not the result of something Jace had done.

"There's nothing to be sorry for. You didn't do anything wrong and even if you did, you know I'd forgive you." No matter how angry or frustrated Jace had made him over the years, Alec had always forgiven him.

He kept repeating that he was forgiven, that he was there, that they were both safe. When he thought Jace was more stable mentally, he began shifting them both toward the center of the bed so they both could eventually lie down. "Focus on the bond, Jace. It'll tell you that I'm really here."

No one else would ever be allowed to touch or to handle Jace the way Alec did. They were so much more than brothers or parabatai. Jace understood that more now than he ever did. Losing Alec, even for that brief moment, was a lesson he'd give anything to not have had to learn. Not like that.

So he moved when Alec moved, staying close to him, slowly regaining control over his tears. Enough to not be sobbing uncontrollably on his parabatai.

The bond.

Closing his eyes he pressed his face into Alec and breathed, doing exactly what he was told to do. Focusing on the bond between them, remembering the oath, remembering the first time he'd met Alec. He remembered the first time Alec had held onto him like he was now. He remembered clinging to Alec and begging him not to leave him. He remembered Alec drawing his parabatai rune. He remembered drawing Alec's.

He focused only on Alec and their life together. Nothing of Valentine and his time on the ship. Nothing of his life before Alec. He didn't remember pulling Alec down with him, but when he opened his eyes again they were laying in the middle of the bed and his parabatai rune was warm. He could feel Alec, the other half of his soul.

"I've been a jerk. Worse than a jerk. How can you keep forgiving me after what I've done?"

Closing his eyes, he followed his own instructions, focusing on the bond that had been part of their lives for years. Once he'd felt it torn from him and another... It'd felt like it had been stretched until it almost snapped, but there had still been an undercurrent of awareness with it no matter how far away Jace was. Alec felt something similar to that now along with the steady warmth and grief that he knew was an echo Jace's emotions. Alec didn't know why he felt something faint beneath the grief and guilt when he had Jace beside him. Maybe it was part of what had caused the emotional break that they were weathering together.

Running his hand over blond hair, he kept speaking, making sure that every breath he took was slow and steady. Jace would eventually mimic him if Alec focused on keeping them both calm. Sinking into that calmness, he focused on it instead of the darker emotions that were bleeding through from his parabatai. Whatever had happened, it had been worse than what Alec had assumed when they were in New York or Idris.

When Jace opened his eyes, Alec smiled, still playing with his parabatai's hair like he had when Jace had snuck into his bed when they were kids. "I keep forgiving you because loving someone means forgiving them when they're jerks or worse than jerks. Even when you're not sure what they did that you're supposed to forgive."

"Maybe Idaho scrambled your brain more than you thought if you can't remember." Jace reached up to touched Alec's cheek as he spoke, his breathing and heart beat finally matching Alec's. It didn't fix the pain and guilt he still felt, but he did feel less lost, less out of control. Grounded in a way only Alec could accomplish.

"Do you really want to know?" He asked quietly. He would tell Alec everything if he asked. Every moment he regretted, every hurtful word. It didn't matter that he always did what he believed to be right. Believing it's right doesn't make it so. Valentine believes he's right and he may be right about some things. Jace isn't sure of much right now. The only thing he's absolutely sure of right in this moment is that he loves Alec and he can't live without his parabatai.

"Actually, they did scramble my brain," he said softly, hoping that his tone would prove that there was no reason to worry. "They altered my memories but I'm getting them back." It was part of the reason why he hadn't known what the strange, aching feeling he had meant or why he remembered the pain of Jace's death but not the context for it.

"I want to know but not until you've slept. And probably ate." His parabatai had probably forgotten about important things like meals if he hadn't slept in days. "We both need rest." Alec didn't need sleep as much as Jace seemed to but extra sleep wouldn't hurt after he'd run himself down to complete exhaustion. He didn't even need to feign the yawn that caught him by surprise. Now that the ache was gone, he realized how tired he was in a way that he doubted that anyone but Jace would understand. Part of him had been searching for his parabatai and now they were together. Safe. "Then you can tell me what I'm supposed to forgive you for."

Searching Alec's face, his eyes, Jace brushed his fingers against Alec's jaw and neck before curling them against his nape. He did need rest. They both did. Alec knew him too well, too. Guessing that he hadn't eaten as much as he hadn't slept. It was difficult to eat when his stomach was in knots. Taking a deep breath he held onto Alec and closed his eyes.

"The list is long, Alec. You'd better get some sleep. Save up your strength."

Maybe, with Alec here with him, he could sleep. Really sleep. No nightmares. No laying awake wondering when someone would come through the door, wondering when his father would decide he needed to be tested again. Or punished.

"Facilis descensus Averni." he murmured quietly, gently stroking his fingers up into Alec's hair and back down again. Opening his eyes the moment he started to drift. Over and over. Until Alec's face was just a blur. Until he couldn't open his eyes or move his fingers.

Alec didn't show any unusual reaction to the signs of affection, but they seemed strange. Jace wasn't the one that was tactile. It had always been Alec who had rested a hand on his parabatai's arm, instigated hugs, or played with Jace's hair. Making a sound of agreement, he closed his eyes, ignoring his worries over his parabatai. "Need rest because I helped power wards for three days not to get through your list."

Focusing on his parabatai, he refused to even try to sleep until Jace drifted off. Briefly, he thought of when they were younger, how having Jace this close, this affectionate would have broken his heart. Now it caused a wistful ache that was easily ignored as he tried to understand what had happened to Jace. When Jace quoted the Latin they had memorized years ago, he winced mentally before thinking of a phrase to reassure his friend. "Verae amilcitiae simpiternae sunt.*"

(*True friendships are eternal.)

Despite feeling as if he'd slept too deeply to dream, Jace woke with his heart racing and frantically calling out Alec's name. For a moment he feared the dream had really been Alec in his bed, holding him, reassuring him while he begged him not to die. But he realized that was the nightmare he'd been having. And the reality.

Alec hadn't left him. He was still there with him in his bed. And he was alive. Reassured by warmth of Alec's skin where his face was still pressed into his neck he had to wonder how he ended up sprawled on top of Alec while simultaneously clinging to him. Alec couldn't be comfortable enough to sleep.

parabatai: lost & found

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