Open - AU Event

[idolpire]

who: Spike and whomever
what: AU event - Spike has a soul and is a little crazy because of it
when: 15-24 June
where: His crypt, the abandoned city, alleys in Quarantine.
warnings: Spike is going to be going through some 'stuff' with regaining his soul for this event and will have been tormented by a canon evil for months beforehand, so he'll be semi-lucid to completely off his rocker. This will involve language, mentions of violence and things he's done in the past, self flagellation/self harm, possibly sexual propositions (easily turned down), and unpredictable reactions from him.

In Town - Resouled:
[It happens while he's in town on the evening of the fifteenth. He'd opted to show up for work that night, wanting to see what all the fuss was about and whether or not he could pull it off, or if he wanted to. Heading into the market to pick up something to eat, he felt it. Felt as if he was lifted up off the ground, then turned upside down and tossed around like a rag doll. Images flooded his mind, time passed that he didn't remember. Moments involving the bane of his existence, then a searing, blinding pain that had him dropping to the ground in an aisle, both hands to his head as he struggled with memories and pain. It wasn't the chip. It couldn't be. He hadn't even been thinking about hurting anyone. No, the pain was deeper, moving into the core of him. His hands scrabbled under his shirt, clawing at his chest as if he could get it out. With the pain and confusion came the realization of what it was. What had happened.

Buffy. Sunnydale. The pair of them. Her death. Her resurrection. Them. That moment in the bathroom -- nausea from that, then... the trials. That bloody demon. The burning pain of his soul. Oh. Oh, god no. No. Months in the basement of the new highschool. Months of memories of reliving all his sins, of an evil power whispering things into his ear to drive him mad.

Then reality shifted and he was there, back on that place he'd found himself in, on the ground with the shop keeper coming over to ask him if he was well.]

Not well. Not ever well again. It burns.

In Town - Lost:
[There wasn't the same power here to whisper in his mind, but the damage had been done. Spike finally left the market, wandering out into the city, confused about what was reality and what was all the noise and clutter in his head. A part of him was trying to tell him he had a place here, somewhere to go where it was quiet, but it was hard to hear that part over all the other things clamoring for attention in his mind.

For the next few days/nights, Spike could be found in town in a worsening state. During the day, he might find himself down in the sewer, or windowless rooms or places that would let him stay safe from the sun. He'd be ignoring the device tucked in his pocket, and might be found at any point of the day/night talking or yelling to himself. There's also a possibility of him hurting himself or bearing visible attempts at it. He'll have moments of lucidity that will get longer the longer he's away from The First Evil.]

Home:
[Eventually, he'll remember where he's staying and wind up going there. Anyone who knows where he lives or follows him home will easily find him holed up as he tries to figure out how to exist with a soul now. All in all, Spike's going to be a pathetic wreck of a loser for the rest of this event.]


[Note: As this event will deal with self harm and questionable topics, please let me know what you are or are not comfortable dealing with. I'm available via PM to hash out the specifics.

Comments

[idolpire]

William wrote it. Wrong William. I'm William, but I'm not anymore. Both William's are cold in the ground. Dead and rotting. I should rot, but the spark just burns.

[Spike doesn't make any move to look away, but he's not looking towards the newcomer either.]

[aeturnus]

[ Both a blessing and a curse that he's not moving. Romulus stays where he is for now. ]

William... [ No, actually. Wait. Something in his mind is churning around and he knows this. The voice and the hair and a name. Not William anymore. ] Spike, this is not a good place to be by yourself.

[idolpire]

[Both names ring true for him, making him lift his head to stare at a face that was both strange and familiar all at once.]

I don't know you. I don't know you, you can't know my name. Not both names. Not the old and the new. You're not here. You're not in my head.

[A moment, another frown, another attempt to pull himself out of that shattered past.]

You're in there. Somewhere. A corner that's not supposed to be.

[aeturnus]

Right... I don't know you well, but I do know you.

[ Romulus frowns, but meets Spike's eyes and tries to hold his gaze. Whatever's there and not, he wants to help. Those who have lost their mind are oftentimes dangerous but the ones who aren't instead become pitiable. ]

I'm right here. So are you.

[idolpire]

[There was a frown, as if he was picking apart what the man in front of him was saying.]

Not supposed to be here. Wasn't here. Was with the girl. Then the darkness. It devours me -- it wants to devour her, devour them all. Bloody hell...

[His head fell forwards into his hands, a low keening sound of grief coming from him.]

[aeturnus]

I shouldn't be here, either...

[ Romulus pauses, then shifts and moves closer again. It's not a good idea but mayhap it will help. ]

But we're here.

[idolpire]

Are we? Are we?!

[He's looking at the man in front of him like he should be giving him answers, tears wet around his eyes as everything just crashes in his mind.]

Are we flesh and bone? Or are we just thoughts; flights of fancy floating in some mind giant?

[aeturnus]

[ He doesn't expect that snap and he flinches, body held rigidly still until he sees Spike's eyes. Those are the eyes of someone in pain, and those in pain might lash out to share it with others, but would it be right to just sit here and ignore it?

Okay, he's going to—without much more thought, he moves closer again and holds out his hand. ]

Feel. We're here.

[idolpire]

[Oh... Oh, he didn't want to. Feeling hurt. Feeling meant being in the now instead of the then, and sometimes, the then was comforting. But there was a man and his face was somewhat familiar to a part of him, and there was a hand held out without claws or fangs bared, and Spike was left not sure. Not sure of whether he should or shouldn't. It showed in the broken look on his face, in the way his body curled in on itself.]

Feelings are liars. The worst liars of all.

[aeturnus]

[ Air caught painfully in his chest at the reaction, Romulus's fingers curl tight against his palm. It takes a moment before he can force his hand open again and shift ever closer, just little tiny bit by little tiny bit. ]

What tells the truth?

[idolpire]

[He thinks about that for a moment, tries to sort out the one true thing in his life, the one constant that never failed to deliver exactly what it promised.]

Pain. Pain's always true. Can't hide from it. Can't lie to it. It doesn't whisper sweet nothings to you. It burns and breaks and scars and you wear those marks forever. Even when it heals, way down, way down inside you, it's still there. Pain's true.

[aeturnus]

[ There's a pause where he tries to figure out how to work with that because it's... well, he can't deny that, but Romulus isn't one to give pain to others. He couldn't possibly. ]

Will you take my hand, Spike? It's... okay to hurt.

[ Romulus no. That's not what you meant but just. don't. say words like that. shhhh. ]

[idolpire]

[He looks at the hand extended to him. Looks at it and wonders why anyone would want to touch him.]

I'm a bad man. I'm not good. Not clean. Shouldn't want to touch the bad man.

[aeturnus]

[ His memories are fuzzy, and it sounds like what Spike is saying is true, but it isn't the impression he has. Something about it doesn't feel right, askew, and the other man's current state makes it all the harder for him to want to take it as fact. ]

We've touched before... Did you get me dirty then?

[idolpire]

Might have. Might have. You could be soiled and not know it. All tainted and broken, like that porcelain doll on the floor.

[Dru had owned many dolls over the years, and some of them had been shattered spectacularly in some of her fits. He'd always felt a sense of dread over it every time. Broken dolls. Wasn't that all they were, they vampires? Dolls with bits of nasty in them.]

[aeturnus]

[ A doll on the floor? He doesn't get it, but his own stubbornness won't let him back down now that he's offered some kind of help. Not so easily. ]

I'm not broken. Just... alone right now. Are you alone?

[idolpire]

Yes. And no. It's in me again. Back in there, burning and making everything so loud. It's the pain of it. That's what I have.

[Yes, Cain. Spike was alone. Spike was, as far as he knew, always alone. Which wasn't necessarily true, but at this moment, he was lost. He wasn't even sure what part of this was real, or if it even was. It was too much. Too long.]

[aeturnus]

What's in you? Again?

[ Yeah, perhaps not the best question to as, but it feels like they're kind of getting somewhere? Maybe eventually Spike will take his hand just to be contrary to himself. That would be nice. ]

[idolpire]

My soul. It hurts with all the voices and blame. Guilt... bloody guilt. The undead weren't meant to feel. Does that mean I'm not undead anymore?

[aeturnus]

[ Un...dead? He doesn't quite understand that at all, but the talk of having a soul now does push some of those strange, not-quite-his memories to the forefront and he takes a breath. It doesn't really make sense, anyway.

He scoots closer, shifting his hand but keeping it outstretched for him. ]

You're you, right? That's all. Do you remember me?

[idolpire]

No.

[But he's frowning as he looks at the hand. He knows that hand, doesn't he? He looks up at the face that's teasing the edge of his memory.]

Yes? I don't know. Do I?

[aeturnus]

You do. I remember you.

[ So clearly Spike will have to remember him. At this point he's pretty sure it's in there somewhere. Much as he doesn't want to use it, confusing this man by using the right name is not going to help. So... ]

Do you remember Jacob Kane?

[idolpire]

Been caned before. Mother always told me I was a wicked boy. Candy cane. Hat and cane.

[Quiet mumbling to himself, he seems to fixate on the hand in front of him, looking up at Cain after a moment.]

What do you want? I have nothing.

[aeturnus]

Help. To help you.

[ He shakes his head, eyes dimmed in some understanding of what he was getting at. ]

[idolpire]

Why?

[That might be the better question. Why did this man he didn't know want to offer him anything? Who was he to deserve more than loathing?]