riverviewlogs | [open] it's in my head, darling i hope

Entry tags:

[open] it's in my head, darling i hope

who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: memory-sharing prompts; october/november catch-all
when: month of october
where: around the quarantine
warnings: violence and abusive language in prompt i (written only); scenes of captivity and psychological abuse in prompt iv (written and in the linked video); gun violence and suicide/character death in prompt v (written and in the linked video)

[OOC: All memories can be in either Dreamscape or First Person view. All links are youtube videos; contains spoilers for The Flash Season 1; ]

✪ i. short, fat, and the son of a politician

[This memory is relatively short, opening in a high school locker room. It becomes obvious very quickly that Eddie, many years younger and thick, soft, hesitant, has chosen to change in one of the toilet stalls instead of in the main room with all the other boys. Padding out after he hears most of the other voices go silent, he thinks he's missed the crowd, that he'll be the last one out of the locker room and safe because of it.

Unfortunately, a couple of boys have stayed behind, quiet, lying in wait for the overweight teenager as he comes out of the stall. One of the bullies grabs Eddie by the arm and shoves him into the door of the toilet stall, yelling at him about his family, his dad, how he's a spoilt rich kid whose dad wants them all to starve, telling him he's a fat, ugly piece of shit who'll be a virgin forever. And they hit him, over and over, splitting his lip, punching him in the gut so he can't catch his breath, leaving him huddling and gasping against the wall, clutching his stomach, nose bleeding down his upper lip as the other boys leave, cursing himself for not saying anything to defend himself.]

✪ ii. blowing off steam

[The first memory is set in the bustling Central City Police Department, with Eddie and his partner Joe West talking to the CSI - and Eddie's girlfriend Iris' best friend - Barry Allen. They're discussing a criminal who's escaped, someone who threatened Iris. It's obvious, to Eddie, that Barry is carrying a torch for Iris, and has for a long time. In his gut somewhere, he knows that Iris feels the same way about Barry, he's just not quite at the point of acknowledging it.

Right now, he wants to bond with Barry, to ease some of the tension between them, so when he goes to blow off some steam at a punching bag, he invites Barry along, knowing the perp was Barry's elementary school bully. And while Barry might be expecting Eddie to flaunt his physical prowess, Eddie has something else entirely in mind. With very little shame, he shares his history as a short, fat, unpopular high school kid who only blossomed through learning boxing from a teacher and sharing her advice on how to throw a punch.]

✪ iii. serve and protect

[The next scene is a quick action one - Eddie is watching with a small crowd of other police officers as The Flash, in full superhero gear, fights Captain Cold and Heatwave with their cold and heat guns. In a flurry, the two criminals land a hit that knocks The Flash to the ground and Eddie, unable to watch, picks up a riot shield rigged with gear to stave off cold - but not heat - and runs into the fray, despite his fellow officers and his girlfriend calling him and asking what the hell he thinks he's doing. Just in time, he ducks in front of The Flash and uses the shield to deflect the beams of hot and cold directed his way, only to be plucked up by the speedster and deposited back on the sidelines...

✪ iv. waste of a man

[The scene opens in a dark industrial room where Eddie is tied to a chair. He looks haggard, unshaven, with his hair a mess and his tie loosened, but he's still acting cocky, putting up a show of bravado despite how afraid he obviously is. Turning as much as he can in his chair, he looks over his shoulder as his captor enters the room, asking for something to eat only to be assured that humans can live without food for as long as two months, and when he asks if that's how long Eobard intends to keep him here, he's told that his captor doubts it will come to that.

There is a moment, poignant and intense and raw, in which Eddie Thawne truly believes that he will die before he leaves this room.

What follows is a long, long period during which Eddie, hungry and frightened but putting up a brave front, tries to get information from this man, who's revealed himself as Eddie's ancestor who traveled back in time to kill The Flash. None of the attempts are successful, and Eddie falls silent after a challenge that The Flash will stop him causes Eobard to physically threaten him into silence.

The memory jumps after that to sometime later - Eddie is still hungry and looks even more ragged, but he's still defiant, talking back to Eobard, mocking him, goading him in a way he hopes will lead to some kind of stupid mistake on Eobard's part. Unfortunately, all that follows is a barrage of Eobard telling him that Eddie is the only Thawne who was forgotten, that he was a failure, that his career will be unremarkable, that he will lose the love of his life to Barry Allen. And Eobard shows Eddie proof, a newspaper from the future with the byline of 'Iris West-Allen.' All Eddie can feel as Eobard tosses aside his grandmother's wedding ring, which he was about to propose to Iris with before his kidnapping, is heartbreak.]

✪ v. what did you do?

[Everything has gone wrong. Barry, who'd gone to his own past to save his mother, changed his mind, barreling out of a wormhole to stop Eobard Thawne from using the time machine that Cisco had built him to travel to his own time. The machine in pieces, Barry and Eobard engage in a vicious high-speed battle, and Eddie watches with Joe, Iris, and everyone else, helpless to do anything to help Barry. It's fast and brutal and in barely the blink of an eye, Eobard has Barry pinned against a wall, proclaiming that he's going to kill Barry and then Iris and then everyone else in the room. Everyone else Barry has ever cared about.

And it comes to Eddie all in a flash, crystal clear. That doesn't mean him. If Eobard wins, he will kill Barry, and Joe, and Iris, and Caitlin, and Cisco, and every single other person that Eddie is friends with, that Eddie will be left all alone, the only survivor, grieving the loss of the most important people in his life. Because Eobard can't kill him, won't kill him, because Eddie is his ancestor. Because in order for Eobard to exist, Eddie must live and move on and have a family and children and a life. It is in that moment, that Eddie realizes what he has to do, realizes that there is only one way to end this, to stop Eobard.

Drawing his police-issue gun, Eddie turns it on himself, aims it at his chest, and pulls the trigger. As he falls, as the pain shoots through him, as the blood soaks his shirt and he crumples to the ground, he can hear Joe shouting at him, over and over, 'Eddie, what did you do?!' He can hear Iris screaming, can hear people talking in a blur.

Eddie dies in Iris' arms, in pain and afraid and knowing he's done the only thing he could possibly have done, but still needing to be reassured that he's a hero, that he's someone's hero, as the light fades and the darkness closes in and everything stops...]

✪ vi. wildcard

Either drop me a completely random starter here, or hit me up via PM or on plurk at caffemisto to plot something!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[This has been an incredibly trying month, with the ghosts and the memories and the general atmosphere. Eddie has never been a big fan of horror movies and stuff like that, or a believer in ghosts, and everything that's been going on is really not to his taste.

So when he sees the message from Cisco, misspelled slightly, with obvious distress woven through it, Eddie feels his heart sink.]

I'm sorry Cisco. Do you need me to blow off work and come see you? I can do that.

no no no you shouldnt' do that
they need you there. people need you doing your job.

[ Cisco means it, believes it; Eddie is a great detective, and who knows if it's the ghosts or the memories being dredged up, but crime has had a bit of a spike in the city, and Cisco knows Eddie's been more busy than ever. If he brings up what he'd seen, it's going to be considerably distressing to Eddie, and throw him off for his whole day.

So he can wait. ]

i'm gonna make you the tres leches cake like i said
and it'll be done when you get home
and the the two of us can talk.

[ All of which does suggest that the memory he'd seen had been relevant to Eddie, personally. ]

Are you sure? You know that making sure you're okay is really important to me too, right?

Just text me again if you need me, okay?

And I'd love the tres leches cake. I've never had it before!

[The 'we can talk' thing...that's kind of scary, though.]

We can talk? I hope it isn't a bad talk...

i'm sure, and i know, and i will. ❤️
i bet you're gonna love it.
you better leave lots of room for it 🍰

not a bad talk.
i wasn't gonna say anything because i didn't want you to worry about it while you're working
but now i think you're gonna worry more if i don't say so
i saw a memory of yours. a really bad one.
so it's that kind of a talk.
not a relationship stuff talk or a bad news in the present talk.

Okay. If you're totally sure. ❤️ ❤️
I will. I might just have a snack instead of lunch so I can pig out.

Okay. Thank you for telling me. I was really going to freak out that I was about to get dumped.
I'm sorry you saw something that upset you.

[ Cisco, who has a strong suspicion that the memory he's going to have to remind Eddie of is going to bring up some serious body image stuff, wonders if the cake is even a good idea, or if he should tell Eddie to just have a snack, or not, or what's the right solution. In the end, he opts for not saying anything. ]

are you freaking kidding?
no way are you getting rid of me that easy, mister.

not your fault. seriously tho don't worry about it. go solve some crimes.
i'll see you tonight, babe.

[ And Cisco will have a little time, in the interval, to think how he is going to mitigate the damage of bringing up this memory. ]

Oh, good. I really don't want to get rid of you, easy or not.

Okay. I'll see you later, babe. Can't wait. ❤️

[It's true, even if he's dreading the conversation about whatever memory it is, now. Because he knows it's going to be more hurt, he's worried that Cisco has seen something that will make him fear Eddie or think less of him, and that gnaws at him a little all day. He tries to alleviate it by texting Cisco off and on, but it still sits there in the back of his mind, gnawing at him, the anxiety.

So when he comes home, he's a little subdued, opens the door and steps inside, licking his lips.]

Hey babe, you home?

[A beat, and then.]

I mean, you must be home, it smells like heaven in here.

[ Cisco tries to get his mind off it as he is going through the rather complicated steps to make the tres leches cake. He'd thought it was possible Eddie had never had one before, and after all the support Eddie's given him these last few weeks, with the constant memory-dreams and visions, Cisco thinks Eddie's earned a little thank you treat. He knew he wasn't going to be able to make it as well as his mother used to, but he wanted to try.

It doesn't work, though. All the attempted distractions. As he's mixing the ingredients he tries every trick in his toolbox, to distract his mind, but it keeps coming back around to that memory; to Eddie's face, young and soft and so frightened. Cisco hears it all echoing in his ears - how Eddie sounded trying to breathe after they knocked the wind out of him, the insults the other kids had hurled at him. He tries to push it down the thoughts, but they come up again and again. Once or twice his eyes well with tears, but he blinks them away, and keeps working.

The cake is sitting on the counter, iced and still cooling, when Eddie comes through the door. Cisco doesn't waste time. He leaves the kitchen, wiping his somewhat icing-covered hands on his jeans before pulling Eddie into a sudden, tight hug. He'd meant it, when he said he didn't want Eddie to leave work early, but he is glad to see him, to be able to hug him now. Of course, the hug is coming years and years too late, and Cisco knows that, but all the same. He buries his face against the side of Eddie's neck and just clings to him. ]

Yeah, I'm home.

Edited 2017-10-18 04:23 (UTC)

[The smell is amazing, the whole house is suffused with the scent of baking, vanilla and sugar and milk and sweetness. Eddie imagines that this is probably what love smells like - coming home to a house full of the scent of baking and knowing it's for him, made by someone who cares about him. He can't help the grin on his face as he takes his shoes off and heads into the apartment.

Cisco is coming to meet him, wiping his hands on his jeans, and Eddie's smile fades just slightly as his boyfriend comes over to him and wraps arms around him, hugging him tight, burying his face into the side of his neck. Eyes falling shut, Eddie turns his head and presses his mouth and nose into Cisco's hair, kissing gently.]

Hey baby. You okay?

[Eddie's hand rubs warm circles against Cisco's back, across his broad shoulders, soothing and a little careful, as if he might frighten him. After all, he doesn't know which memory it was that Cisco saw, what might be making him react like this.]

[ Cisco nods, reluctant to release Eddie or even slacken his hold a tiny bit. He can feel Eddie's hands rubbing at his back, cautious and gentle, as if Cisco is the one who needs comforting. But that's silly. It had been Eddie who was hurt, in the memory. It's Eddie who will likely feel hurt again, being reminded of it.

When he pulls back, looks up at Eddie's worried face, Cisco can see traces of the same person. A lot has changed about the way he looks, but it's still the same person. It was still his Eddie that those kids had been hitting. And Cisco knows that this Eddie still carries a lot of the baggage from that one, that part of the reason he is the man he is today was because of that cruelty.

He had meant to do this properly, to wait until Eddie had changed from his work clothes and settled in, had some cake, was feeling comfortable and okay before he dropped the bomb. But, it turns out, he doesn't have that kind of self-restraint. So he says, looking at Eddie, expression all sadness and soft concern: ]

It was from a long time ago. The memory. I think maybe high school. I saw- [ He breaks off, swallows, continues: ] -saw some kids beating you up and... saying really awful shit to you.

[It takes a while for Cisco to release him, and Eddie can feel the tension in him, the way he clings, and while Eddie doesn't mind the contact, the connection, it worries him a little. Whatever's hurting Cisco this much, it can't be good, and the worry is still settled there in Eddie's gut and chest, stirring as Cisco clings and then leans back to look up at him.

For a moment, he's quiet, his blue eyes on Cisco's dark ones, a hand coming up to cup the side of Cisco's face, and he forces a tiny little smile, slightly crooked. It's intended to entice, to encourage, to coax Cisco into feeling safe enough to tell him what he'd seen. As Cisco looks up at him with his face soft and sad and tender, Eddie's anxiety peaks.

And then Cisco says what the memory was, and Eddie exhales his breath, slowly and evenly, relieved enough that he laughs, light and a little disbelieving.]

That's all?

[ Cisco experiences a lurch of surprise, like the feeling of expecting another step in a staircase that never comes. He feels wrong-footed by Eddie's response - the small laugh, the obvious relief. He doubts himself. Had he been too ambiguous, in how he spoke? Did Eddie misunderstand him? That must be it. So Cisco clarifies, face just as hurt and tender as before, if not more: ]

You were just trying to mind your own business, but they were waiting for you. They- they cornered you, and you were bleeding, and- Eddie the stuff they were saying...

[ He reaches up, touching Eddie's face - his cheeks, his nose - then running his fingers through Eddie's hair, as if he were looking for some wound, some trace of it on him still. Which is silly, and Cisco knows that. But he can't get it out of his mind's eye - Eddie, alone, and bloody, and quietly enduring it all. Cisco's throat is suddenly too tight to say any more. ]

Edited 2017-10-19 03:10 (UTC)

[Cisco hadn't been ambiguous, Eddie understood completely what he was referring to. It's just that those incidents were so common, they'd happened so often that to Eddie, they seem natural, normal, a constant. He'd spent his whole childhood and his early and mid teens getting his ass kicked by boys in the locker room, and Cisco seeing a memory like that is almost akin, in Eddie's mind, to Cisco seeing him fail at a basketball dunk or something. Embarrassing and cringey but not traumatic.

For him, it's Cisco's reaction that catches him off guard. With his eyes all soft and his face concerned, his expression sympathetic, his hand coming up to touch Eddie's face and hair, the way he repeats what he'd seen, his voice choking off at the end. It's as if it was something big and traumatic, a one-time incident.]

I know. It happened all the time. Kids are nasty. I can't imagine I had it any worse than you did, or anything.

[Eddie shrugs a little, bringing his hand up to cup the side of Cisco's face, running his thumb against his lower lip.]

You okay?

Edited 2017-10-19 04:28 (UTC)

[ Cisco doesn't respond right away. For a moment, he is tempted to force a nod, even if it would be a bit of a lie. If Eddie's not bothered, then what's the problem? This isn't about Cisco, and the way he feels. It shouldn't be about him. And if it's easier for Eddie to brush it off, maybe Cisco should allow him that.

But he keeps hearing it in his ears, the way Eddie's breath had rattled a little as he picked himself back up, alone. Wiped the blood off his face, alone. Put himself back together again, alone.

Cisco gives a tiny, wordless shake of his head, eyes going a touch too bright with tears that he holds back. How can Eddie be so calm about this? But then, he realizes, maybe it shouldn't surprise him all that much. Eddie's used to putting on a good face. To making himself smile and pretend everything was alright, even when it wasn't. Maybe he'd had so much time to do that about the childhood bullying that he'd even convinced himself. But he's not convincing Cisco.

Swallowing, Cisco says: ]

Imagine- imagine if it was me. If right now you... closed your eyes and you saw me, as a- a cute little kid, just minding my own business, and then people started punching me and- and saying awful shit about my family and... and how I looked, or how I was too girly, or whatever. Eddie, how would you feel if you saw that? 'Cause that's how I feel. Right now.

[ Cisco knows, he's seen it over and over again, how much Eddie wants to protect him. How deep that need runs in him, through the very person that Eddie is. But he also knows that Eddie can forget, or doesn't quite yet fully understand or believe, that Cisco wants to protect him every bit as much. There's a ferocity in his voice as he says: ]

I wish- I wish I'd been there. I wish I could've helped you. Or tried, I mean, I was puny and I would've been like nine years old but I don't care. I just- I- nobody was there to help you, and I can't stand that.

Edited 2017-10-19 15:08 (UTC)

[It just seems so silly, so inconsequential, not something to get upset or worked up over. But Cisco is looking up at him with his eyes bright and wet and a face that's still soft and slightly crumpled with grief and Eddie just doesn't get it. Not until Cisco asks him to imagine he closed his eyes and saw that happening to Cisco, how it would feel to watch him get hit and berated, his family and appearance insulted.

It would feel awful. And it's only when he imagines that in detail, and then Cisco says that that's how he's feeling right now that Eddie understands, an understanding that's almost immediately followed by overwhelming guilt for having brushed off Cisco's feelings, having not taken them seriously. He doesn't entirely realize that it was more his own feelings he wasn't taking seriously than Cisco's.

His own face falls a little, and almost immediately as Cisco's talking about being puny and nine but still wishing he'd been there to help him, Eddie's shaking his head.]

I'm sorry, Cisco. I didn't mean to brush off how you were feeling about it. I guess I just never really thought of it as being, you know, important, I guess. It's been so long and I already did what I could to fix it. I know if I'd seen you I'd be really upset, and feel protective, I just never thought...when it was me...

[The truth is, he hadn't thought it was important.]

[ Cisco can see in Eddie's face when his words start to sink in. Eddie's expression grows serious, and then he licks his lips, in that unconscious way of his when he's nervous or uneasy. Cisco watches it, heart still beating a little too fast. Then Eddie is apologizing, and that isn't what Cisco wanted. He doesn't know what he wanted. To be able to go back and change things. To make a world where boys like Eddie didn't have to wipe blood off their faces alone in bathroom stalls.

He closes the distance between them once more, hugging Eddie more gently this time, turning so he can press his cheek against Eddie's collarbone and say, quietly: ]

I know it was a long time ago and- and you dealt with it. You didn't let all the bullying make you hard, or turn you into a bully, or whatever. But it is important that it happened, Eddie. I hate that you got hurt like that, but what I hate even more is...

[ He hesitates a moment, because he can hear the way his voice is changing, his concern tinged with something a little like frustration. Cisco doesn't want to argue, or hurt Eddie, but at the same time, he can't hold this inside. He wears his heart on his sleeve, and right now, his heart is recoiling from everything about the way Eddie is discussing this. ]

...is I think maybe it taught you this. This... thing you do, where you think it's not as important if you get hurt as it would be if it were somebody else. Like your pain doesn't matter. Like you don't matter.

[ Cisco releases Eddie from the hug, turning away and padding off a few feet, into the kitchen, where he picks up a knife and starts cutting the tres leches cake into squares, looking at it rather than at Eddie, even as a stray tear drops down his cheek, and he wipes it away with the back of his wrist ]

But you do. You matter to the world. And- and you matter to me. A lot.

[None of it makes sense to Eddie - if it happened a long time ago,if he's gotten over it, if he's moved on without letting the bullying make him hard or turn him into a bully or make him weak, then why does it matter that it happened? It's part of his life, of course, it helped shape him into who he is, and it's important for that, but he doesn't understand Cisco's concern. Not really.

He can tell that his apology was wrong when Cisco reacts to it, looking a little confused, a little lost, but still so gentle and worried. And when Cisco finally explains that he hates that Eddie was hurt, that what's even worse is how it makes Eddie act like what happened to him wasn't as important as if it happened to someone else, that makes sense a little. If he looks at it objectively, it's true that what he feels when someone else is hurt, has been hurt, is different than how he feels about his own sad history.

When Cisco says that he thinks Eddie thinks he doesn't matter, but he does, Eddie can't breathe for a moment. His eyes are stinging and hot, but he's not really sure what emotion he's feeling, he can't understand it, even though it's extremely intense.]

I guess...I don't know. I don't think I do matter all that much. That's what Eobard told me, when I was with him for a couple weeks. I don't matter, I never will matter. The only important thing I ever did was die. I guess...being pushed around in school made me the type of person who'd help Barry and then...you know. So I guess that matters...

[Even as he says it, he winces a little, because he knows that it's wrong, that it's going to hurt Cisco, and so he blurts out, his voice rough and hitched.]

I'm sorry. Sorry. Ignore that, okay?

[ Cisco has just gotten to the table, holding the plate with two slices of cake on it, when Eddie says what he does about Eobard. His jaw goes tight at the way Eddie says when I was with him; he feels a flare of white-hot rage, and he's probably never hated Eobard quite as much as he does right at that second. But he doesn't speak, waiting for Eddie to finish. For Cisco, anger flares hot, but passes quickly. He knows it won't help anyone, being mad about things he can't change.

He sets the plate down softly and comes over to where Eddie is standing. Quietly, gently, he bids: ]

C'mere.

[ Leading Eddie over, Cisco gets him sitting down. His boyfriend looks pale, and distressed, and probably needs to sit more than he realized. Cisco pulls one of the other chairs over so he can sit very close, and he settles down as well. It's a good idea, not to have this conversation standing up, and also gives him a minute to delay and figure out what he's going to say. ]

Do you know what Dr. Wells was always very, very good at? [ Cisco doesn't leave time for Eddie to answer. ] He knew all the right things to say, to turn people on each other so they didn't have the energy to come at him. I didn't see it at the time, but... he had me and Hartley at each other's throats competing over his approval, so neither of us would notice all the shady crap he was up to. And I think he... said all the right things to make you turn on yourself, 'cause you were a danger to him, and he knew that.

[ Cisco reaches over, lays a hand on Eddie's knee, meeting his gaze, expression full of sadness and concern and conviction. ]

So fuck what he said. He was a pathetic old creep who wouldn't know a meaningful thing if it bit him in the ass.

[ Cisco's voice is going a touch hoarse, but he holds back the emotion, because right now it is urgently important that Eddie hear him, focus on what he's saying rather than his affect. ]

You matter, Eddie. What happened to you as a kid matters. What Dr. Wells did to you matters. It's all important. Not just the dying. All of it.

Edited 2017-10-24 02:53 (UTC)

[Eddie lets Cisco lead him over to the table, help him sit down, and watches Cisco as his boyfriend sits close by. Instinctively, Eddie reaches out for Cisco, his hands resting against the tops of Cisco's thighs, he squeezes gently, tentatively, just wanting the contact. Somehow, he hadn't realized how distressed he was until Cisco addressed it directly by helping him sit, looked at him like he was distressed.

Now Cisco is talking, looking at him right in the face, and then reaching out to touch his knee while he speaks, soothing, reassuring. It's hard, though, to believe it, what Cisco is saying. To really accept it. The truth is that Eddie had already felt a lot of the things Eobard said before he said them - he'd suspected he was losing Iris, he'd felt like a sham, he'd felt like a loser. Hearing them out loud from someone aside from himself only seemed to confirm those thoughts.

Lowering his gaze, Eddie licks his lips and lifts one of his hands, dropping it over Cisco's, avoiding eye contact as Cisco says that he matters, that it's important, and Eddie shakes his head.]

It's all in the past now, so it doesn't really matter. I came here, and I have a fresh start, you know? I shouldn't be... [He gestures vaguely.] ...like this.

Eddie.

[ It breaks Cisco's heart, the way that Eddie can't seem to look at him, but he doesn't insist on eye contact, turning over his hand instead so he can hold Eddie's, keeping it there, building an tether between the two of them, to anchor Eddie. His voice is quiet, full of affection and conviction as he says: ]

Listen to what you're saying. You would never ever say that to anyone else who was still... troubled by bad stuff from their past. If it was someone at the station, or a friend, or- or me. I have a fresh start here, too. But that doesn't erase the stuff that happened to me before.

[ Something that Eddie knows all too well. Cisco doesn't even need to specify the kind of stuff he's talking about. Eddie has seen, and heard, and felt at great length, the degree to which Cisco's trauma still matters, even though what caused it is not just in the past, but in the past in a timeline that was erased. But Eddie had never said it didn't matter - and, indeed, had never let Cisco get away with trying to de-legitimize it by saying that none of it actually happened in this timeline.

He doesn't even need to explain any of that out; he's sure Eddie will remember it, will know what he's talking about. The key is to get Eddie to see that the same applies to him. ]

Being 'like this' is okay. It's human. And I know you know that, 'cause you're a good detective, and a hell of a good boyfriend.

[ Now, finally, Cisco reaches over, touching Eddie's chin carefully to tip his head up, to coax him into eye contact so he can see all the fond sadness in Cisco's expression. He is not criticizing; he wants that to be clear, especially right now, when Eddie is in a very vulnerable state of mind. But what he's going to say needs to be said. ]

I just don't understand how you can have so much kindness for everybody but yourself. You've always been... really gentle with me. I just wish you could be gentle to you, too.

[What Cisco says is true - Eddie knows that if the tables were turned (and they have been, before) that he wouldn't be dismissing Cisco's feelings, wouldn't be telling him to move past it because he has a new start. But the mental disconnect is almost impossible to get over, he can't seem to make himself apply that same logic to himself. The bullying is so far in the past, so far removed from his life now, that it seems irrelevant, like it shouldn't affect him. The stuff with Eobard is more recent, but it had contributed to the choice he made to save his friends, that had caused him to end up here, with Cisco in this room and ready to eat some delicious cake made specially for him.

This should be what he's focused on, not that. Not the stuff from before. But when Cisco reaches out and lifts his chin, gentle and careful, looks at him with that soft, warm expression, he realizes that maybe, a little, that stuff had led to this, and that means it's part of this. Because right now, Cisco is looking at him in that melting way and telling him he doesn't understand how he can have kindness for everyone but himself, that he wishes he could be gentle to himself, and that comes from all the things that had happened before.

For a moment, Eddie's throat feels tight and he chokes a little on his emotion before exhaling heavily.]

I guess. I guess so. I just always think I should be stronger than that, you know? I don't want it to affect me like that, so I try to just make it not affect me, or I don't admit it does...I don't know. I really want to be past it.

[ Cisco sees Eddie's Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, searching for his voice. It's a nerve-racking moment, in a way. Waiting to see if he's gotten through to Eddie. If he wasn't, it won't be the end of the world, of course. There's no rush, and he'll still care about Eddie either way. But Cisco's heart is telling him that this is something Eddie is going to have to deal with, sooner or later. He believes it will be better for Eddie if it is sooner.

So the tension in his shoulders eases when Eddie admits 'I guess so'. He listens as Eddie speaks, nodding gently. It all sounds terribly familiar. ]

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but... the best way past it is through it. Cheesy soundbite, I know. You can thank my therapist for that one. But... that's how it's been, for me, with my stuff. Ignoring it worked, for a while. It felt good, too, just burying it all, telling myself I was too smart and too funny to let anything damage me. 'Til it didn't work anymore. Then I realized it'd been like a year and I was still at step one 'cause I'd never started.

[ Cisco scoots his chair closer, as much as he can, so he can lean forward and hug Eddie again. ]

This stuff doesn't come with an expiration date. There's no statute of limitations, or whatever.

[ And then, his own voice going thick again, Cisco says: ]

And... 'cause I haven't said it yet, I'm sorry they treated you like that. It was wrong. It wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve it.

Edited 2017-11-20 01:39 (UTC)

[For a moment, it feels completely hopeless. If he still has to deal with petty childhood bullying, if it's still affecting him, how is he ever going to deal with his relationship to Iris ending? How is he going to deal with Joe refusing to give his blessing to propose to her? How is he going to deal with the kidnapping, with what Eobard said to him, with dying?

It feels hopeless, overwhelming, but then Cisco is saying the best way past it is through it, and explains how he'd felt, how he'd coped. Eddie's blue eyes flick up to Cisco's face, and he swallows hard again, smiling just a little. It's weak, a little sad, but it's a smile.]

It just feels a bit overwhelming, you know? It seems like a small, stupid thing, and then you pile all the other stuff on top of it and it's stupid...but it feels like I'm gonna drown under all of it.

[Licking his lips, he keeps his eyes on Cisco, exhales slow and steady.]

But you'll be there with me. I know that. So...so I guess it isn't impossible.

[ Cisco's heart is breaking a little, watching Eddie's shoulders, seeing the weight of all of those things still on him. He thinks it is clearer to him than it might be to Eddie, himself. He can keep up the illusion for everybody else, but Cisco is around him all the time, now. He sees the cracks in the façade. He knows how much all of it is.

So when Eddie says it feels overwhelming, Cisco's already nodding before he finishes the sentence, eyes prickling with tears that he holds back with some effort. He pulls back from the hug, so he can take Eddie's face in his hands, look him in the eyes as he says: ]

I know it's scary. I know. But I not gonna let you drown, Eddie. I promise.

[There's something about the way Cisco seems to get him that's intensely reassuring. Cisco understands him sometimes before Eddie even understands himself, and this feels like one of those times. Cisco nods and looks at him with his eyes wet and warm and takes Eddie's face in his hands and tells him he's not going to let him drown.

For a moment, Eddie's still, eyes locked on Cisco's face, his cheeks cupped between Cisco's warm palms, looking him in the eyes, and then some of the tension drains out of him. Because he believes Cisco. How could he not, when Cisco looks at him like that?

Exhaling shakily, Eddie manages a weak smile.]

I know and...thank you.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] it's in my head, darling i hope

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