[open] it's in my head, darling i hope

[causational]

who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: memory-sharing prompts; october/november catch-all
when: month of october
where: around the quarantine
warnings: violence and abusive language in prompt i (written only); scenes of captivity and psychological abuse in prompt iv (written and in the linked video); gun violence and suicide/character death in prompt v (written and in the linked video)



[OOC: All memories can be in either Dreamscape or First Person view. All links are youtube videos; contains spoilers for The Flash Season 1; ]


✪ i. short, fat, and the son of a politician

[This memory is relatively short, opening in a high school locker room. It becomes obvious very quickly that Eddie, many years younger and thick, soft, hesitant, has chosen to change in one of the toilet stalls instead of in the main room with all the other boys. Padding out after he hears most of the other voices go silent, he thinks he's missed the crowd, that he'll be the last one out of the locker room and safe because of it.

Unfortunately, a couple of boys have stayed behind, quiet, lying in wait for the overweight teenager as he comes out of the stall. One of the bullies grabs Eddie by the arm and shoves him into the door of the toilet stall, yelling at him about his family, his dad, how he's a spoilt rich kid whose dad wants them all to starve, telling him he's a fat, ugly piece of shit who'll be a virgin forever. And they hit him, over and over, splitting his lip, punching him in the gut so he can't catch his breath, leaving him huddling and gasping against the wall, clutching his stomach, nose bleeding down his upper lip as the other boys leave, cursing himself for not saying anything to defend himself.]

✪ ii. blowing off steam

[The first memory is set in the bustling Central City Police Department, with Eddie and his partner Joe West talking to the CSI - and Eddie's girlfriend Iris' best friend - Barry Allen. They're discussing a criminal who's escaped, someone who threatened Iris. It's obvious, to Eddie, that Barry is carrying a torch for Iris, and has for a long time. In his gut somewhere, he knows that Iris feels the same way about Barry, he's just not quite at the point of acknowledging it.

Right now, he wants to bond with Barry, to ease some of the tension between them, so when he goes to blow off some steam at a punching bag, he invites Barry along, knowing the perp was Barry's elementary school bully. And while Barry might be expecting Eddie to flaunt his physical prowess, Eddie has something else entirely in mind. With very little shame, he shares his history as a short, fat, unpopular high school kid who only blossomed through learning boxing from a teacher and sharing her advice on how to throw a punch.]

✪ iii. serve and protect

[The next scene is a quick action one - Eddie is watching with a small crowd of other police officers as The Flash, in full superhero gear, fights Captain Cold and Heatwave with their cold and heat guns. In a flurry, the two criminals land a hit that knocks The Flash to the ground and Eddie, unable to watch, picks up a riot shield rigged with gear to stave off cold - but not heat - and runs into the fray, despite his fellow officers and his girlfriend calling him and asking what the hell he thinks he's doing. Just in time, he ducks in front of The Flash and uses the shield to deflect the beams of hot and cold directed his way, only to be plucked up by the speedster and deposited back on the sidelines...

✪ iv. waste of a man

[The scene opens in a dark industrial room where Eddie is tied to a chair. He looks haggard, unshaven, with his hair a mess and his tie loosened, but he's still acting cocky, putting up a show of bravado despite how afraid he obviously is. Turning as much as he can in his chair, he looks over his shoulder as his captor enters the room, asking for something to eat only to be assured that humans can live without food for as long as two months, and when he asks if that's how long Eobard intends to keep him here, he's told that his captor doubts it will come to that.

There is a moment, poignant and intense and raw, in which Eddie Thawne truly believes that he will die before he leaves this room.

What follows is a long, long period during which Eddie, hungry and frightened but putting up a brave front, tries to get information from this man, who's revealed himself as Eddie's ancestor who traveled back in time to kill The Flash. None of the attempts are successful, and Eddie falls silent after a challenge that The Flash will stop him causes Eobard to physically threaten him into silence.

The memory jumps after that to sometime later - Eddie is still hungry and looks even more ragged, but he's still defiant, talking back to Eobard, mocking him, goading him in a way he hopes will lead to some kind of stupid mistake on Eobard's part. Unfortunately, all that follows is a barrage of Eobard telling him that Eddie is the only Thawne who was forgotten, that he was a failure, that his career will be unremarkable, that he will lose the love of his life to Barry Allen. And Eobard shows Eddie proof, a newspaper from the future with the byline of 'Iris West-Allen.' All Eddie can feel as Eobard tosses aside his grandmother's wedding ring, which he was about to propose to Iris with before his kidnapping, is heartbreak.]

✪ v. what did you do?

[Everything has gone wrong. Barry, who'd gone to his own past to save his mother, changed his mind, barreling out of a wormhole to stop Eobard Thawne from using the time machine that Cisco had built him to travel to his own time. The machine in pieces, Barry and Eobard engage in a vicious high-speed battle, and Eddie watches with Joe, Iris, and everyone else, helpless to do anything to help Barry. It's fast and brutal and in barely the blink of an eye, Eobard has Barry pinned against a wall, proclaiming that he's going to kill Barry and then Iris and then everyone else in the room. Everyone else Barry has ever cared about.

And it comes to Eddie all in a flash, crystal clear. That doesn't mean him. If Eobard wins, he will kill Barry, and Joe, and Iris, and Caitlin, and Cisco, and every single other person that Eddie is friends with, that Eddie will be left all alone, the only survivor, grieving the loss of the most important people in his life. Because Eobard can't kill him, won't kill him, because Eddie is his ancestor. Because in order for Eobard to exist, Eddie must live and move on and have a family and children and a life. It is in that moment, that Eddie realizes what he has to do, realizes that there is only one way to end this, to stop Eobard.

Drawing his police-issue gun, Eddie turns it on himself, aims it at his chest, and pulls the trigger. As he falls, as the pain shoots through him, as the blood soaks his shirt and he crumples to the ground, he can hear Joe shouting at him, over and over, 'Eddie, what did you do?!' He can hear Iris screaming, can hear people talking in a blur.

Eddie dies in Iris' arms, in pain and afraid and knowing he's done the only thing he could possibly have done, but still needing to be reassured that he's a hero, that he's someone's hero, as the light fades and the darkness closes in and everything stops...]

✪ vi. wildcard

Either drop me a completely random starter here, or hit me up via PM or on plurk at caffemisto to plot something!

Comments

wildcard; backdated to late september

[rightly]

[ It's stronger than him; Steve's a little nervous. Or afraid, maybe, though he doesn't know of what, exactly. He's fairly sure that most people who answered his broadcast, if not all, are perfectly alright and trustworthy, but paranoia is a hard beast to kill. Still, he won't leave Eddie hanging, and just as they'd agreed, he's standing just outside that place he'd mentioned, near the perimeter guard, wearing a fairly recognizable brown suit and looking up and down the street in hopes of spotting anyone making their way to him.

He checks his watch once or twice. He arrived there before six, so he's prepared to wait. He just hopes the wait won't be too long, lest he might lose his nerve. ]

[causational]

[Eddie realizes, belatedly, that he should've sent the person he's set to meet a selfie or something, just to make it easier. It seems like everyone here is wearing some kind of brown article of clothing, and Eddie's a little frantic, nervous about missing a connection with someone who seems to really need someone to talk to who gets where they're coming from.

And then he sees him, a handsome man with sandy hair wearing a brown suit and looking back and forth, then down at the watch on his wrist. Taking a deep breath, Eddie heads over at a loose jog, dressed in the usual suit and vest he wears for work, and smiles at the man.]

Hi. This might be a dumb question, but are you 'anonymous' from the network? I'm Eddie.

[rightly]

[ To be honest, Steve could've easily said the year he came from, and to Eddie he'd stand out like a sore thumb. No matter the color of his suit, his style is still very much from the early 20th century, since that's what he's more comfortable with. Really, the only thing he's missing is a hat. He has the suspenders and everything.

He looks up when he's spoken to, a little surprised, but he eases into a more friendly expression soon enough. Smiling, he shakes his head. ]

It's not a dumb question. Anonymous seems a little impersonal, though, don't you think? [ He offers a hand for a shake. ] Steve. Steve will do. Nice to meet you.

[causational]

[Frankly, it's a good look. Eddie's own suit might have a more modern cut, but he can definitely appreciate a good formal three-piece look. It's even better when accompanied by that friendly smile, and the introduction. Eddie hadn't been entirely expecting a name, straight off like that, but it makes him grin, a bright beaming entirely genuine thing.]

Nice to meet you too, Steve. [Reaching out, he takes the offered hand and gives it a nice firm shake.] First beer's on me. Shall we?

[Still smiling, Eddie gestures toward the bar and then starts toward it, glancing back to make sure he hasn't lost Steve.]

[rightly]

[ Steve knows all too well how to keep his identity a secret, but in a place like this, it seems a little pointless. He's never seen this man before but they're bound to cross paths sooner or later, provided they're in the Quarantine for long enough. Besides, it's not like Eddie can do much with his name in such a small space.

Well, a small part of him still has to trust a little blindly that this man, who's for now little more than a stranger to him, won't go around talking about him and his story to anyone. Steve has a feeling he's alright, though. ]

For free beer? Of course, lead the way. [ He nods, smiling playfully as he follows after him and into the bar. He's not picky about where to sit, so whichever table Eddie chooses, he'll make his way over and take a seat on one of the chairs. ]

[causational]

[Eddie's never particularly understood the secret identity shtick. Of course, he understands it on an abstract level, why Barry had to keep his and why it might be useful to keep his powers-user persona separate from his persona as Eddie Thawne, police detective, but Eddie's simply not a secretive person. He's bad at lying, and it doesn't come naturally to hide things - he wears his heart on his sleeve, he emotes freely, and has no qualms about sharing embarrassing stories about his past.

So it seems perfectly natural to openly talk about who he is and what he's done. Of course, he doesn't have any pressing reason not to talk about it either. There's no sign of Eddie hiding anything when Steve agrees to go into the bar, and Eddie grins back, laughing.]

Figured I might have to sweeten the deal. I don't think just my charming presence is worth coming out for.

[A gentle, self-deprecating joke as he leads the way inside, finds a booth toward the back with a bit of privacy, where it won't be easy to get overheard, and gets them settled in before calling the waitress over. Eddie orders his favourite seasonal pumpkin beer before letting Steve order whatever he likes, and after the waitress is gone, he leans in a bit.]

Thanks for meeting up with me, seriously.

[rightly]

[ Well, it's a bit different for a spy, and Steve's been trained to be a good liar, to know how to keep things to himself. There are different things at stake for him, though. Or there were, anyway. It's not like it matters much anymore, here. He was a spy once, but that's all behind him now.

Leaves him a bit lost and unsure of what he is now, but he'll figure that out. Eventually. ]

Careful, sell yourself too short and I may just leave. [ It's easy to slip into a more teasing and playful banter, he finds. He's only just met Eddie but there's just something in him Steve finds inherently trustworthy and comfortable. It's easy to relax around him.

Steve only asks for a plain pint, skipping on any unusual flavoring. Once the waitress leaves him again, he looks back to Eddie. ]

I'm in dire need of going out and meeting new people, in any case, so I should be thanking you for asking.

I'm sorry this is so late. My life has been insane.

[causational]

[The thing is, for all Eddie's openness, he does also have a keen mind for body language, for reading people. That's going on in the background of his mind now, processing what the other man is giving him. But for all that, Eddie still looks easygoing, relaxed and smiling.]

Aw, come on now, would you really like it if I was bragging about myself?

[Eddie's brows raise, but he waits for Steve to get himself a pint before the server leaves and Eddie leans in a bit, engaged in what the other man is saying.]

Yeah, I feel you. I spend so much time at work or doing research or running or going to the gym or cleaning the house, I never really take much time to just...go out and try to make friends. It's harder than it seems.

np!

[rightly]

[ Steve lifts his eyebrows and purses his lips at the question, shrugging. ]

Well... outright bragging, probably not. But there's nothing wrong with focusing on some of your own nicer traits.

[ Which isn't to say Eddie's offer to pay the first round isn't nice, just that Steve would've joined him for a drink either way. ]

I can't say I'm that busy myself. I haven't even found a job yet. [ He may feel a little guilty about that, but for now, he has enough money to get by. It gives him time to decide what he wants to do with himself from now on. ] What sort of research do you do?

i.

[franciscoramon]

[ Of all the things Cisco thinks that he never, ever, in his life needed to see, his boyfriend getting viciously taunted and beaten up while he was only a little kid is really high on the list. Sure, he'd known that Eddie was bullied. And Cisco had been badly bullied, too, so he knew just how awful it could be. How shameful, how terrorizing, how degrading.

But knowing it had happened and watching it happen, while he'd just been running out to grab a couple things from the store, are another matter entirely. He sits down heavily on a low wall outside a bank or something and texts Eddie, half-blind with tears. ]

i hate thiss tupid memory bullshit
i swear its happening to me 2x as much as everybody else bc of my powers and i hate t
and it never just people having a fun b day or going on a cute date either its all just awful
all of it is awful

[causational]

[This has been an incredibly trying month, with the ghosts and the memories and the general atmosphere. Eddie has never been a big fan of horror movies and stuff like that, or a believer in ghosts, and everything that's been going on is really not to his taste.

So when he sees the message from Cisco, misspelled slightly, with obvious distress woven through it, Eddie feels his heart sink.]

I'm sorry Cisco. Do you need me to blow off work and come see you? I can do that.

[franciscoramon]

no no no you shouldnt' do that
they need you there. people need you doing your job.

[ Cisco means it, believes it; Eddie is a great detective, and who knows if it's the ghosts or the memories being dredged up, but crime has had a bit of a spike in the city, and Cisco knows Eddie's been more busy than ever. If he brings up what he'd seen, it's going to be considerably distressing to Eddie, and throw him off for his whole day.

So he can wait. ]

i'm gonna make you the tres leches cake like i said
and it'll be done when you get home
and the the two of us can talk.

[ All of which does suggest that the memory he'd seen had been relevant to Eddie, personally. ]

[causational]

Are you sure? You know that making sure you're okay is really important to me too, right?

Just text me again if you need me, okay?

And I'd love the tres leches cake. I've never had it before!

[The 'we can talk' thing...that's kind of scary, though.]

We can talk? I hope it isn't a bad talk...

[franciscoramon]

i'm sure, and i know, and i will. ❤️
i bet you're gonna love it.
you better leave lots of room for it 🍰

not a bad talk.
i wasn't gonna say anything because i didn't want you to worry about it while you're working
but now i think you're gonna worry more if i don't say so
i saw a memory of yours. a really bad one.
so it's that kind of a talk.
not a relationship stuff talk or a bad news in the present talk.

[causational]

Okay. If you're totally sure. ❤️ ❤️
I will. I might just have a snack instead of lunch so I can pig out.

Okay. Thank you for telling me. I was really going to freak out that I was about to get dumped.
I'm sorry you saw something that upset you.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco, who has a strong suspicion that the memory he's going to have to remind Eddie of is going to bring up some serious body image stuff, wonders if the cake is even a good idea, or if he should tell Eddie to just have a snack, or not, or what's the right solution. In the end, he opts for not saying anything. ]

are you freaking kidding?
no way are you getting rid of me that easy, mister.

not your fault. seriously tho don't worry about it. go solve some crimes.
i'll see you tonight, babe.

[ And Cisco will have a little time, in the interval, to think how he is going to mitigate the damage of bringing up this memory. ]

[causational]

Oh, good. I really don't want to get rid of you, easy or not.

Okay. I'll see you later, babe. Can't wait. ❤️

[It's true, even if he's dreading the conversation about whatever memory it is, now. Because he knows it's going to be more hurt, he's worried that Cisco has seen something that will make him fear Eddie or think less of him, and that gnaws at him a little all day. He tries to alleviate it by texting Cisco off and on, but it still sits there in the back of his mind, gnawing at him, the anxiety.

So when he comes home, he's a little subdued, opens the door and steps inside, licking his lips.]

Hey babe, you home?

[A beat, and then.]

I mean, you must be home, it smells like heaven in here.

what did you do?

[whosthemonsternow]

[South. Well. She's not sure what to think of what just happened. The memory she's been shared. It was all foreign and strange, full of people she's never seen. Then someone she did recognize, one person. And she watches, confused, curious, feeling the memory like it's one of her own until it all kind of fades to black with him dead there.

She feels guilty for knowing the memory, honestly. It seems so personal and private. But she's still curious, still going to ask. Maybe that's inappropriate, but, she didn't ask for the memory to play in her head. She didn't ask to know about his self sacrifice, or what he'd gone through.]

So. That's how you died? When you said you were shot in the chest, I wasn't thinking it was from yourself.

[causational]

[It's nothing Eddie minds people seeing - of course it hurts, but it isn't anything he's ashamed of. It is, as far as he's concerned, the only thing of real worth that he'd done in his life. Of course, years of police work and everything before that had had some value, he'd done a lot of things, but his death was the only thing that he feels was truly heroic. And all Eddie Thawne has ever wanted was to be a hero.

So when he notices that South has entered the dream, when he looks over at her, he just smiles, a bit sadly.]

Yeah. No regrets, though. I did what I had to do.

[whosthemonsternow]

I mean, sure, but, that guy couldn't be killed or something?

[She doesn't know the details, and she doesn't want to think what she would've done in that situation. Now, after she's seen what she did to the people she cared about, after she's lost everyone and knows how that is. Yeah. She'd definitely do it. But before? She's not so sure.]

[causational]

Probably, but not before he killed everyone I cared about.

[He shrugs a bit, eyes downcast, avoiding her eyes.]

We'd been working on a way to take him out for almost a year at that point, and he was so angry he would've killed everyone I loved before....and I couldn't have figured it out alone. The only way to do it was to take out his ancestor. Me.

[whosthemonsternow]

Wait so, how's that work? You're his ancestor?

[Not relative, but ancestor specifically. The whole thing is weird, but she can't help asking questions, even as she's watching the situation unfold. Again, she'd like to say she'd do the same, and she probably would now, if given the chance. Now that she knows how it feels not to have the people she cared about, how lonely it is. She was selfish before, but she's hopeful she wouldn't be if put in a situation where it was her or someone she cares about again]

[causational]

Yeah, I'm his ancestor.

[Taking a deep breath, he holds it for just a second, then lets it go in a rush.]

On my world, there are these people called meta-humans. They have special powers, more than regular humans. He was one, a speedster, and when a speedster runs fast enough, he can go back or forward in time. I guess he went back in time, to kill someone before he could be born. But he got stuck in my time, and...you know, he was tormenting him and everyone he cared about. One of whom happened to be my fiancée, so I got involved and...it got to this point. It was me or them. I chose me.

[whosthemonsternow]

That's. Fucking crazy. And I thought things were crazy where I"m from.

[With aggressive betrayal and death and aliens and your own fucking CO screwing you over- It almost sounds simple compared to what he's talking about.]

So, she's the fiance?

[She gestures to the woman holding his dead body, looking entirely destroyed]

[causational]

It was even more crazy because I really didn't...I didn't realize any of this stuff was possible. I don't think it was possible, until a year or so before this happened. Everything was normal. Space travel was something you saw on TV, time travel was just in movies, people couldn't run faster than the speed of sound or fly or turn into poison gas or whatever. It was just normal people, doing normal things. Then everything changed. My head was spinning, trying to keep up.

[He shrugs, and he exhales sharply, eyes sinking shut for a moment.]

And yeah. Ex-fiancée.