[open] it's in my head, darling i hope

[causational]

who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: memory-sharing prompts; october/november catch-all
when: month of october
where: around the quarantine
warnings: violence and abusive language in prompt i (written only); scenes of captivity and psychological abuse in prompt iv (written and in the linked video); gun violence and suicide/character death in prompt v (written and in the linked video)



[OOC: All memories can be in either Dreamscape or First Person view. All links are youtube videos; contains spoilers for The Flash Season 1; ]


✪ i. short, fat, and the son of a politician

[This memory is relatively short, opening in a high school locker room. It becomes obvious very quickly that Eddie, many years younger and thick, soft, hesitant, has chosen to change in one of the toilet stalls instead of in the main room with all the other boys. Padding out after he hears most of the other voices go silent, he thinks he's missed the crowd, that he'll be the last one out of the locker room and safe because of it.

Unfortunately, a couple of boys have stayed behind, quiet, lying in wait for the overweight teenager as he comes out of the stall. One of the bullies grabs Eddie by the arm and shoves him into the door of the toilet stall, yelling at him about his family, his dad, how he's a spoilt rich kid whose dad wants them all to starve, telling him he's a fat, ugly piece of shit who'll be a virgin forever. And they hit him, over and over, splitting his lip, punching him in the gut so he can't catch his breath, leaving him huddling and gasping against the wall, clutching his stomach, nose bleeding down his upper lip as the other boys leave, cursing himself for not saying anything to defend himself.]

✪ ii. blowing off steam

[The first memory is set in the bustling Central City Police Department, with Eddie and his partner Joe West talking to the CSI - and Eddie's girlfriend Iris' best friend - Barry Allen. They're discussing a criminal who's escaped, someone who threatened Iris. It's obvious, to Eddie, that Barry is carrying a torch for Iris, and has for a long time. In his gut somewhere, he knows that Iris feels the same way about Barry, he's just not quite at the point of acknowledging it.

Right now, he wants to bond with Barry, to ease some of the tension between them, so when he goes to blow off some steam at a punching bag, he invites Barry along, knowing the perp was Barry's elementary school bully. And while Barry might be expecting Eddie to flaunt his physical prowess, Eddie has something else entirely in mind. With very little shame, he shares his history as a short, fat, unpopular high school kid who only blossomed through learning boxing from a teacher and sharing her advice on how to throw a punch.]

✪ iii. serve and protect

[The next scene is a quick action one - Eddie is watching with a small crowd of other police officers as The Flash, in full superhero gear, fights Captain Cold and Heatwave with their cold and heat guns. In a flurry, the two criminals land a hit that knocks The Flash to the ground and Eddie, unable to watch, picks up a riot shield rigged with gear to stave off cold - but not heat - and runs into the fray, despite his fellow officers and his girlfriend calling him and asking what the hell he thinks he's doing. Just in time, he ducks in front of The Flash and uses the shield to deflect the beams of hot and cold directed his way, only to be plucked up by the speedster and deposited back on the sidelines...

✪ iv. waste of a man

[The scene opens in a dark industrial room where Eddie is tied to a chair. He looks haggard, unshaven, with his hair a mess and his tie loosened, but he's still acting cocky, putting up a show of bravado despite how afraid he obviously is. Turning as much as he can in his chair, he looks over his shoulder as his captor enters the room, asking for something to eat only to be assured that humans can live without food for as long as two months, and when he asks if that's how long Eobard intends to keep him here, he's told that his captor doubts it will come to that.

There is a moment, poignant and intense and raw, in which Eddie Thawne truly believes that he will die before he leaves this room.

What follows is a long, long period during which Eddie, hungry and frightened but putting up a brave front, tries to get information from this man, who's revealed himself as Eddie's ancestor who traveled back in time to kill The Flash. None of the attempts are successful, and Eddie falls silent after a challenge that The Flash will stop him causes Eobard to physically threaten him into silence.

The memory jumps after that to sometime later - Eddie is still hungry and looks even more ragged, but he's still defiant, talking back to Eobard, mocking him, goading him in a way he hopes will lead to some kind of stupid mistake on Eobard's part. Unfortunately, all that follows is a barrage of Eobard telling him that Eddie is the only Thawne who was forgotten, that he was a failure, that his career will be unremarkable, that he will lose the love of his life to Barry Allen. And Eobard shows Eddie proof, a newspaper from the future with the byline of 'Iris West-Allen.' All Eddie can feel as Eobard tosses aside his grandmother's wedding ring, which he was about to propose to Iris with before his kidnapping, is heartbreak.]

✪ v. what did you do?

[Everything has gone wrong. Barry, who'd gone to his own past to save his mother, changed his mind, barreling out of a wormhole to stop Eobard Thawne from using the time machine that Cisco had built him to travel to his own time. The machine in pieces, Barry and Eobard engage in a vicious high-speed battle, and Eddie watches with Joe, Iris, and everyone else, helpless to do anything to help Barry. It's fast and brutal and in barely the blink of an eye, Eobard has Barry pinned against a wall, proclaiming that he's going to kill Barry and then Iris and then everyone else in the room. Everyone else Barry has ever cared about.

And it comes to Eddie all in a flash, crystal clear. That doesn't mean him. If Eobard wins, he will kill Barry, and Joe, and Iris, and Caitlin, and Cisco, and every single other person that Eddie is friends with, that Eddie will be left all alone, the only survivor, grieving the loss of the most important people in his life. Because Eobard can't kill him, won't kill him, because Eddie is his ancestor. Because in order for Eobard to exist, Eddie must live and move on and have a family and children and a life. It is in that moment, that Eddie realizes what he has to do, realizes that there is only one way to end this, to stop Eobard.

Drawing his police-issue gun, Eddie turns it on himself, aims it at his chest, and pulls the trigger. As he falls, as the pain shoots through him, as the blood soaks his shirt and he crumples to the ground, he can hear Joe shouting at him, over and over, 'Eddie, what did you do?!' He can hear Iris screaming, can hear people talking in a blur.

Eddie dies in Iris' arms, in pain and afraid and knowing he's done the only thing he could possibly have done, but still needing to be reassured that he's a hero, that he's someone's hero, as the light fades and the darkness closes in and everything stops...]

✪ vi. wildcard

Either drop me a completely random starter here, or hit me up via PM or on plurk at caffemisto to plot something!

Comments

[causational]

[None of it makes sense to Eddie - if it happened a long time ago,if he's gotten over it, if he's moved on without letting the bullying make him hard or turn him into a bully or make him weak, then why does it matter that it happened? It's part of his life, of course, it helped shape him into who he is, and it's important for that, but he doesn't understand Cisco's concern. Not really.

He can tell that his apology was wrong when Cisco reacts to it, looking a little confused, a little lost, but still so gentle and worried. And when Cisco finally explains that he hates that Eddie was hurt, that what's even worse is how it makes Eddie act like what happened to him wasn't as important as if it happened to someone else, that makes sense a little. If he looks at it objectively, it's true that what he feels when someone else is hurt, has been hurt, is different than how he feels about his own sad history.

When Cisco says that he thinks Eddie thinks he doesn't matter, but he does, Eddie can't breathe for a moment. His eyes are stinging and hot, but he's not really sure what emotion he's feeling, he can't understand it, even though it's extremely intense.]

I guess...I don't know. I don't think I do matter all that much. That's what Eobard told me, when I was with him for a couple weeks. I don't matter, I never will matter. The only important thing I ever did was die. I guess...being pushed around in school made me the type of person who'd help Barry and then...you know. So I guess that matters...

[Even as he says it, he winces a little, because he knows that it's wrong, that it's going to hurt Cisco, and so he blurts out, his voice rough and hitched.]

I'm sorry. Sorry. Ignore that, okay?

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco has just gotten to the table, holding the plate with two slices of cake on it, when Eddie says what he does about Eobard. His jaw goes tight at the way Eddie says when I was with him; he feels a flare of white-hot rage, and he's probably never hated Eobard quite as much as he does right at that second. But he doesn't speak, waiting for Eddie to finish. For Cisco, anger flares hot, but passes quickly. He knows it won't help anyone, being mad about things he can't change.

He sets the plate down softly and comes over to where Eddie is standing. Quietly, gently, he bids: ]

C'mere.

[ Leading Eddie over, Cisco gets him sitting down. His boyfriend looks pale, and distressed, and probably needs to sit more than he realized. Cisco pulls one of the other chairs over so he can sit very close, and he settles down as well. It's a good idea, not to have this conversation standing up, and also gives him a minute to delay and figure out what he's going to say. ]

Do you know what Dr. Wells was always very, very good at? [ Cisco doesn't leave time for Eddie to answer. ] He knew all the right things to say, to turn people on each other so they didn't have the energy to come at him. I didn't see it at the time, but... he had me and Hartley at each other's throats competing over his approval, so neither of us would notice all the shady crap he was up to. And I think he... said all the right things to make you turn on yourself, 'cause you were a danger to him, and he knew that.

[ Cisco reaches over, lays a hand on Eddie's knee, meeting his gaze, expression full of sadness and concern and conviction. ]

So fuck what he said. He was a pathetic old creep who wouldn't know a meaningful thing if it bit him in the ass.

[ Cisco's voice is going a touch hoarse, but he holds back the emotion, because right now it is urgently important that Eddie hear him, focus on what he's saying rather than his affect. ]

You matter, Eddie. What happened to you as a kid matters. What Dr. Wells did to you matters. It's all important. Not just the dying. All of it.

[causational]

[Eddie lets Cisco lead him over to the table, help him sit down, and watches Cisco as his boyfriend sits close by. Instinctively, Eddie reaches out for Cisco, his hands resting against the tops of Cisco's thighs, he squeezes gently, tentatively, just wanting the contact. Somehow, he hadn't realized how distressed he was until Cisco addressed it directly by helping him sit, looked at him like he was distressed.

Now Cisco is talking, looking at him right in the face, and then reaching out to touch his knee while he speaks, soothing, reassuring. It's hard, though, to believe it, what Cisco is saying. To really accept it. The truth is that Eddie had already felt a lot of the things Eobard said before he said them - he'd suspected he was losing Iris, he'd felt like a sham, he'd felt like a loser. Hearing them out loud from someone aside from himself only seemed to confirm those thoughts.

Lowering his gaze, Eddie licks his lips and lifts one of his hands, dropping it over Cisco's, avoiding eye contact as Cisco says that he matters, that it's important, and Eddie shakes his head.]

It's all in the past now, so it doesn't really matter. I came here, and I have a fresh start, you know? I shouldn't be... [He gestures vaguely.] ...like this.

[franciscoramon]

Eddie.

[ It breaks Cisco's heart, the way that Eddie can't seem to look at him, but he doesn't insist on eye contact, turning over his hand instead so he can hold Eddie's, keeping it there, building an tether between the two of them, to anchor Eddie. His voice is quiet, full of affection and conviction as he says: ]

Listen to what you're saying. You would never ever say that to anyone else who was still... troubled by bad stuff from their past. If it was someone at the station, or a friend, or- or me. I have a fresh start here, too. But that doesn't erase the stuff that happened to me before.

[ Something that Eddie knows all too well. Cisco doesn't even need to specify the kind of stuff he's talking about. Eddie has seen, and heard, and felt at great length, the degree to which Cisco's trauma still matters, even though what caused it is not just in the past, but in the past in a timeline that was erased. But Eddie had never said it didn't matter - and, indeed, had never let Cisco get away with trying to de-legitimize it by saying that none of it actually happened in this timeline.

He doesn't even need to explain any of that out; he's sure Eddie will remember it, will know what he's talking about. The key is to get Eddie to see that the same applies to him. ]

Being 'like this' is okay. It's human. And I know you know that, 'cause you're a good detective, and a hell of a good boyfriend.

[ Now, finally, Cisco reaches over, touching Eddie's chin carefully to tip his head up, to coax him into eye contact so he can see all the fond sadness in Cisco's expression. He is not criticizing; he wants that to be clear, especially right now, when Eddie is in a very vulnerable state of mind. But what he's going to say needs to be said. ]

I just don't understand how you can have so much kindness for everybody but yourself. You've always been... really gentle with me. I just wish you could be gentle to you, too.

[causational]

[What Cisco says is true - Eddie knows that if the tables were turned (and they have been, before) that he wouldn't be dismissing Cisco's feelings, wouldn't be telling him to move past it because he has a new start. But the mental disconnect is almost impossible to get over, he can't seem to make himself apply that same logic to himself. The bullying is so far in the past, so far removed from his life now, that it seems irrelevant, like it shouldn't affect him. The stuff with Eobard is more recent, but it had contributed to the choice he made to save his friends, that had caused him to end up here, with Cisco in this room and ready to eat some delicious cake made specially for him.

This should be what he's focused on, not that. Not the stuff from before. But when Cisco reaches out and lifts his chin, gentle and careful, looks at him with that soft, warm expression, he realizes that maybe, a little, that stuff had led to this, and that means it's part of this. Because right now, Cisco is looking at him in that melting way and telling him he doesn't understand how he can have kindness for everyone but himself, that he wishes he could be gentle to himself, and that comes from all the things that had happened before.

For a moment, Eddie's throat feels tight and he chokes a little on his emotion before exhaling heavily.]

I guess. I guess so. I just always think I should be stronger than that, you know? I don't want it to affect me like that, so I try to just make it not affect me, or I don't admit it does...I don't know. I really want to be past it.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco sees Eddie's Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows, searching for his voice. It's a nerve-racking moment, in a way. Waiting to see if he's gotten through to Eddie. If he wasn't, it won't be the end of the world, of course. There's no rush, and he'll still care about Eddie either way. But Cisco's heart is telling him that this is something Eddie is going to have to deal with, sooner or later. He believes it will be better for Eddie if it is sooner.

So the tension in his shoulders eases when Eddie admits 'I guess so'. He listens as Eddie speaks, nodding gently. It all sounds terribly familiar. ]

I know it seems counter-intuitive, but... the best way past it is through it. Cheesy soundbite, I know. You can thank my therapist for that one. But... that's how it's been, for me, with my stuff. Ignoring it worked, for a while. It felt good, too, just burying it all, telling myself I was too smart and too funny to let anything damage me. 'Til it didn't work anymore. Then I realized it'd been like a year and I was still at step one 'cause I'd never started.

[ Cisco scoots his chair closer, as much as he can, so he can lean forward and hug Eddie again. ]

This stuff doesn't come with an expiration date. There's no statute of limitations, or whatever.

[ And then, his own voice going thick again, Cisco says: ]

And... 'cause I haven't said it yet, I'm sorry they treated you like that. It was wrong. It wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve it.

[causational]

[For a moment, it feels completely hopeless. If he still has to deal with petty childhood bullying, if it's still affecting him, how is he ever going to deal with his relationship to Iris ending? How is he going to deal with Joe refusing to give his blessing to propose to her? How is he going to deal with the kidnapping, with what Eobard said to him, with dying?

It feels hopeless, overwhelming, but then Cisco is saying the best way past it is through it, and explains how he'd felt, how he'd coped. Eddie's blue eyes flick up to Cisco's face, and he swallows hard again, smiling just a little. It's weak, a little sad, but it's a smile.]

It just feels a bit overwhelming, you know? It seems like a small, stupid thing, and then you pile all the other stuff on top of it and it's stupid...but it feels like I'm gonna drown under all of it.

[Licking his lips, he keeps his eyes on Cisco, exhales slow and steady.]

But you'll be there with me. I know that. So...so I guess it isn't impossible.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco's heart is breaking a little, watching Eddie's shoulders, seeing the weight of all of those things still on him. He thinks it is clearer to him than it might be to Eddie, himself. He can keep up the illusion for everybody else, but Cisco is around him all the time, now. He sees the cracks in the façade. He knows how much all of it is.

So when Eddie says it feels overwhelming, Cisco's already nodding before he finishes the sentence, eyes prickling with tears that he holds back with some effort. He pulls back from the hug, so he can take Eddie's face in his hands, look him in the eyes as he says: ]

I know it's scary. I know. But I not gonna let you drown, Eddie. I promise.

[causational]

[There's something about the way Cisco seems to get him that's intensely reassuring. Cisco understands him sometimes before Eddie even understands himself, and this feels like one of those times. Cisco nods and looks at him with his eyes wet and warm and takes Eddie's face in his hands and tells him he's not going to let him drown.

For a moment, Eddie's still, eyes locked on Cisco's face, his cheeks cupped between Cisco's warm palms, looking him in the eyes, and then some of the tension drains out of him. Because he believes Cisco. How could he not, when Cisco looks at him like that?

Exhaling shakily, Eddie manages a weak smile.]

I know and...thank you.