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who: Ava & Loki
what: Ava needs help. Badly enough to go looking.
when: Post-fire
where: Gramarye Magic Research
warnings: None? I'll add if needed.

[It's a few days after the fire before she starts looking for answers to the problem of how to make sure she doesn't do this again. Initially, she just throws herself into the repair efforts. She's the first to show up and the last to leave, hauling debris and collecting buried personal items for others to distribute or repair. Anything she can. Part of it is guilt, and the other part is that it's something she can do, something to focus on, something to escape from the thoughts she doesn't want to face.

But when that's gone? There's nothing for it except to try and find solutions. Gramarye seems the best place to start. She's not sure if what she does counts as magic or not, but there's not exactly a place advertising help for people with powers liable to hurt people. It's somewhere to start, at least. She settles for looking for someone to talk to, that looks like they work here. It's probably a dumb idea, but it's at least better than asking on the network-- even if she posted it anonymously, there are a few too many people sharp enough to probably make the connections.

But the person she finds is not exactly who she was looking for. There's a brief moment where she almost considers turning around, but she's never been good at giving up. Instead she nods at him in some kind of acknowledgement.]

I didn't know you worked here.

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[ Loki's gaze flickers over her before he replies in the driest of tones. ]

They ran out of dungeons.

[ The little spider. Though perhaps less spider and more . . . something else. He's surprised to find her here. Most of the Avengers club know he works here and tend to avoid him as much as they can. Not that Loki particularly cares and it makes his work easier. Still, their last conversation had held his interest. And Loki tends to be more open to people who have caught his attention in some way. ]

What is it you're looking for?

[There's a curl to her expression at the reference to dungeons; she's had her own sort of experience with being locked away.

But he asks, and there's a pause, as she tries to figure out how to word it. She hadn't exactly planned on having this conversation with him, but he's honestly not the worst option there is. He'd been nicer than she expected the other day, and that counts for something specifically because she's so unaccustomed to it. (Natasha has been a lot of things to Ava, but nice was one of them only rarely.) There really isn't a clever lie that will get her what she wants, and the lies are less who she is anyway.]

Help. I wasn't quite sure where else to go-- I keep hurting people.

[ A child. A prayer. A familiar one, though Loki isn't easily moved by such sentiment. But a problem like that — hurting others. Well. It's one the Avengers could never answer. They cover up their hurts with their good deeds for the day, hoping it'll buy them time from their own self-esteem issues.

Loki is far more evolved. ]

You lack control of your powers.

[She nods in agreement, a touch of a sigh. He's not wrong and if she's here looking for help it makes little sense to deny it.]

SHIELD helped me figure out how to repress it, but it's not perfect. And when I slip, even a little, it's- bad.

[She doesn't mention the fire because she doesn't trust him quite that much, but she's not obscuring it particularly, either. There are people who already know, and she knows Natasha (both of them, for that matter) is smart enough to put the pieces together. She'd like to at least be able to say it won't happen again, that she's not still a danger. Not a freak.]

[ Loki snorts lightly. Another familiar story. ]

Of course. SHIELD is excellent at repression. They do not allow for anything else if they cannot control it.

[She nods, a little rueful, but Ava is the last person to extol the virtues of SHIELD.]

You think it's the wrong choice? They seemed to hope they could make it go away. Not that it worked.

[ His lips twitch in faint bemusement. ]

I am most likely the last person to dictate the value of one's choices.

[ There hasn't been a bad decision Loki didn't make, after all. He's cognizant of that much, even when he shies away from it. ]

But to my knowledge, what lies within one's skin cannot simply . . . go away.

[She smiles a little faintly because she sees the humor in the phrasing. Asking him if she's making the wrong choice-- but still.]

I'm not sure if I can control it. I have to press it down every second. But I don't know what else to do.

[She nods in agreement at the mention that it can't just go away, a slight sigh. Not the answer she wants, but the one she expected.]

I don't think their desire to see what I could do was particularly kind.

Then perhaps you need an outlet. A place to direct such powers so it no longer weighs on you.

[ Magic is not a power, unless it is inherited. It needs avenues. No wonder the Avengers didn't know what to do with it. He spread his hands. ]

Of course, control will only come with a certain amount of acceptance as well.

Maybe you're right. But I'd need someplace where I couldn't hurt anyone.

[It feels like she's going to explode, sometimes. Like it gnaws at her from the inside, and small gestures, playing with light and arcing electricity between her fingers doesn't really do too much. The fire was awful and wrong, but it did make it a little easier to breathe, even if she hates it.]

If I stop holding it down, I look like a freak, and people look at me like-- It's just hard, accepting it. I try.

There is no cure for hurting people. Powers or not, that is the way of the world.

[ He resists the urge to snort. The little spider hardly has any of the markings of a freak, but Loki isn't keen on dismissing her experiences. No doubt SHIELD and the other heroes would make her feel that way. ]

They will never accept it unless you control it. They will never accept it unless they can control you.

[ Too close to the truth. Loki bites back the ash on his tongue. ]

You must try for yourself.

You're right.

[She tries to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but it's hard. Those are truths she's painfully aware of: pain and control. And she understands the idea of accepting it not for other people, but it's still hard. Part of her still hates it.]

It'd be easier to accept if I was better at it. But I'm not sure I even can repress it all the time and I don't know what else to do.

[She shrugs her shoulders a little, there's a flicker of light to her eyes for a moment in frustration.]

Do you think someone can help?

I work with magic, not . . . [ He flippantly gestures to her . . . whatever. ]

But no doubt this location is full to the brim with . . . helpful people. There will be someone uniquely suited to aid the control of powers.

Fair enough. I create energy, I doubt that's quite.. magic.

[There's a shrug of her shoulders, a touch of vague amusement at his flippancy. And she pretends that those words aren't horrifying.]

I'm sure someone exists. I just didn't know where else to look.

[She is not asking on the network. Especially not so soon after setting a building on fire.]

[ Hmm. The main the reason Loki isn't willing to offer his aid is his reticence to be too involved with the Avengers. He has Steve's trust and Loki . . . trusts him back, but he rather not put himself and Steve in a difficult position. They have already been in enough of those.

Still. ]

It is and it is not. At the very least, I may be able to help temper it. The application itself cannot be all that different.

[She tilts her head at that remark, which was admittedly not quite what she was expecting.]

I'd.. appreciate it.

[She'd been expecting more a referral or a suggestion, but she's more than willing to see if Loki can help. If nothing else, she believes that he knows his way around magic.]

Appreciate it when it works.

[ A neat dodge. Loki is never comfortable with appreciation of any kind. It always sounds a little fake, like pandering. After all, what can Loki accomplish? ]

Alright, deal.

[She's still a little surprised herself at the fact that he agreed to help. She's not particularly accustomed to people outside of Sana that had ever been willing. Bucky she trusts enough to have believed he'd help, but she knows this is a bit outside his expertise.

And there's still that fear he might flinch.]

[ They'll hang you for this, a voice in Loki's mind whispers. He knows it. The minute this gets out, Loki's motives become suspect. Open to scrutiny. He's dodged it as well as he can, but he knows that it is a matter of time. Would Steve take his side? Would Loki force Steve to do so?

He brushes it aside. Paranoia and fear. Easy bedfellows to deal with. There wasn't anything the Avengers could do to Loki that he has not suffered already. ]

We will set a time. Gramarye has decent shields, even for your powers.

[She knows this is risky, but she doesn't realize how risky it seems for Loki. She honestly doesn't think that anyone aside from possibly Bucky might be concerned. She usually feigns confidence well.]

Alright. Just let me know what works for you. And that's good to know.

[They'd talked on the network so he can surely get a hold of her at his leisure. And there is a sort of comfort in that reassurance that this place can handle it.]

[ Loki raises a delicate eyebrow at that. ]

I have plenty of time. You, however, do not.

[There's a slight inhale and she shrugs her shoulders, her voice a little quiet.]

You're right, I don't.

[She'd been trying to make it less obvious, but he's clearly already put the pieces together.]

Edited 2017-09-27 11:07 (UTC)

[ Loki is far too perceptive for his own good. It's both helpful and equally damaging to his own psyche. A simple white lie only digs itself deeper. ]

Decide on a time and let me know. But do no tarry.

[She's not entirely truthful, and with people she thinks she can get away with it, sometimes she recreates herself as someone else. But all in all it's less appealing than she thinks it ought to be.]

Give me an hour. If that works for you?

[He's already guessed at what's hanging over her head here, no use in pretending she's not desperate. But she does want time for a cup of tea and maybe to hit something a few times. Settle her nerves, since her control gets worse the more on edge she is.]

[ He nods quietly. ]

Very well.

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