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who: Ava & Loki
what: Ava needs help. Badly enough to go looking.
when: Post-fire
where: Gramarye Magic Research
warnings: None? I'll add if needed.

[It's a few days after the fire before she starts looking for answers to the problem of how to make sure she doesn't do this again. Initially, she just throws herself into the repair efforts. She's the first to show up and the last to leave, hauling debris and collecting buried personal items for others to distribute or repair. Anything she can. Part of it is guilt, and the other part is that it's something she can do, something to focus on, something to escape from the thoughts she doesn't want to face.

But when that's gone? There's nothing for it except to try and find solutions. Gramarye seems the best place to start. She's not sure if what she does counts as magic or not, but there's not exactly a place advertising help for people with powers liable to hurt people. It's somewhere to start, at least. She settles for looking for someone to talk to, that looks like they work here. It's probably a dumb idea, but it's at least better than asking on the network-- even if she posted it anonymously, there are a few too many people sharp enough to probably make the connections.

But the person she finds is not exactly who she was looking for. There's a brief moment where she almost considers turning around, but she's never been good at giving up. Instead she nods at him in some kind of acknowledgement.]

I didn't know you worked here.

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[ Loki catches the knife by the handle and two long fingers. He has nothing to fear from projectiles. His natural telekinetic field protects him from the deadliest attacks. ]

I don't need to. I merely need to see it come alive. Why they hid it is obvious. To you and to me.

[ He catches the blade and there's a sliver of a smile. This isn't really a fight, not even sparring, but pressing at edges, she supposes. Her expression turns a little thin, because he's not wrong. She knew since she first realized energy crackled in her skin what their response would be. ]

Alright, fair enough.

[ It takes her a moment, to convince herself this isn't a vulnerability. Or not one she can't handle. And then she just... stops. That invisible tension drains from her as she stops hiding behind the lie of being something normal, something acceptable that people won't turn away from. The shift starts at her chest and radiates outward; down her arms and spreading as her skin turns sea blue, rippling with energy, the glow in her eyes devouring her pupils down to pinpricks, and that core of energy that seems centered in her heart.

There's that lift of her chin and the hardness in her eyes; defiant, because she knows what she looks like to most people. ]

[ Blue. Thankfully Loki catches him almost immediately, not letting a reaction slip. It hits too close to one of the more guarded spots in his heart and it is even harder to press down the instinctive reaction to cut her down. As he'd be taught. As he had been raised. His fingers flex quietly. What was Midgard going? What were they trying to do? He didn't want to be here anymore. He wanted to see Steve, he wanted to avoid this confrontation, didn't want to reveal —

Enough. Loki keeps his grip on his knife. ]

Well. I wasn't expecting blueness.

Most people don't.

[ She doesn't flinch, but her voice is bitter, because she knows that people look at her and see a monster, a freak. She tries to keep that self-hatred pushed down, invisible, cultivated from her own guilt and the way people that know look at her, the way they talk about her, how no matter how good she is it's never good enough because she's not normal. ]

But, this is what I have to hide.

[ For a long time, there's nothing but silence. Loki does not move or act. She's right, of course. Loki wholly agrees with it. Hiding was the only way to get by with this horrendous skin. She is right and Loki agrees and he wants to flay himself alive with the mere thought of it, how low Asgard has brought him, how much damage that they will never take responsibility for. His throat is rubbed raw from the scream that builds.

( I hate this, I hate you, I hate that you made me this way and you don't understand what it's like, you don't understand why it won't stop, why I can't come home, how could you make me live in a world full of my enemies? ) ]

They will not.

[ His gaze is sharp and unreadable. Not welcoming but not . . . judgmental. Not cowed. Loki is his own person now, scabs and all. He'd tear the throat out of anyone who decided otherwise. ]

There is always more that they will never see. These are your claws. Hide them if you must, but remember to use them when they turn their backs on you. Make their weakness your strength.

Edited 2017-10-05 12:52 (UTC)

[He's quiet, and Ava waits, silent and watching him. She feels the weight of it, that silent trial. On the good days it was people who in the end tried to treat her like she wasn't something abhorrent, but couldn't help the nicknames. The shudders, the horror in the eyes of people that looked at her; that was always worse.

So when she doesn't see judgement in his eyes, it's unexpected. She nods, watching him, like she's not quite sure what to make of it. And his words are almost a comfort. A reminder that what others see as a frailty is power, no matter what her feelings about it might be.

She nods, taking a breath as she tries to relax into it a little, but she is far from comfortable in her skin, likes the lie better.] You're right. It's just hard to see it like that.

[She cups her hands together, forming a ball of blue light between her fingers and lets it float between them.] I just need to get better. Claws aren't much good unless they're sharp.

[ Of course it's hard. Loki bites back the instinctive response. You do not know how hard it gets. But it was unhelpful and pointless. It is not something that is understood. Sympathized, perhaps. Thor would attempt to rationalize it, tell Loki how he had every comfort imaginable so what difference does his colouring make? What difference is there to remember Thor's jests about monsters, remember the callous way he dispatched Frost Giants with a grin, that will be him, someday, someday Thor will kill him —

He does not bite on his lip, does not draw blood. At least this time, he would have earned it. ]

You will.

[She has her own hangups about what she is beneath the pretense that go deeper than just the looks and the names. The questions she can't quite shake of if this was intentional, deeper machinations by Ivan. If her mother had known what would happen, another facet of the torture and experiments. She doesn't understand, their pain isn't the same, but things still hurt.

There's a slight twitch of her lips at the encouragement, surprising as it is.]

I'm trying, anyway. Parlor tricks are easy enough, but the more power I put into something the harder it gets to modulate it. And sometimes even my dreams will trigger it.

[It's easier to talk about her powers.]

Of course. Because your power stems from you, no matter what the origins may be.

[ People often try to disconnect from their power. Loki does it all the time. He wants nothing to do with the Frost Giants, but Loki recognizes control to its littlest detail. ]

Try harder. Let it go. Lest I bring it out.

[She's quiet for a moment. There's something a little scary about the idea that the power stems from her, no matter how she tries to pretend otherwise. And he's not wrong.]

I tried to stop a train once. I miscalculated. Instead, I stopped every train in New York City, overloaded all of the substations. I still don't know how I got lucky enough to not actually kill anyone.

[She figures he's smart enough to know just what sort of distance she's talking about here. She quiets, looking at him, electricity crackling over her fingertips. She tries to slow her heartrate, keep her control.]

You're sure the shields will hold?

[It's less that she doesn't trust him, thinks she's too strong, or anything at all to do with Loki. It's just that she's scared of what could happen. It makes it hard for her to willingly let go.]

[ Loki snorts lightly. ]

Your power is electric in nature. I grew up with the God of Thunder. My shields will hold.

[She eases, then. Takes a breath, and her power is a little less contained as she allows herself to trust him- at least on this. The way the energy ripples in her skin comes faster, the thrum of it that seems twined into her heart. There's a slight twitch to her expression, something a little lighter.]

Fair enough. Okay then.

[Being able to trust that she's not going to hurt someone is clearly new, almost tentative. But she relaxes into it, and her power almost seems to leak off her skin and into the air.]

[ Loki tilts his head, assessing the slow crawl of power threading itself around his illusions. There is no hint of fear or frustration on his face, a cool blank slate. After a few minutes, he nods to himself. ]

Now.

[ He creates a target. An unassuming vase appears out of nowhere. ]

Your energy is a limb. Reach out and destroy this and then reign it back.

[She takes a breath and looks a little rueful. This is hard for her: directing it, making it go where she wants it to. At SHIELD they'd given her a gun; no clip, no bullets, but the act of point and click, having something to channel the energy through had made it easier. But it had been a cheat.

So when she reaches for the vase, there's blue light from her fingertips, but it makes a spiderweb of the air, branching and forking. Destroying the vase isn't difficult, even if it's not clean, but when she tries to pull it back in, she fails.

It's like lightning in a snow globe for a moment, even as she reaches out to try and catch it. There's frustration. Globes of energy are easier, but creating a clean line, an open connection between her power and the world around her and controlling the flow of it-- it was difficult. Too many connections, paths, the way the air sings.]

[ Loki merely watches, his expression completely devoid of any kind of expectation. ]

Well. That's . . . something.

[She sighs, reaching out and managing to catch it in her fingers. She does a little better on the second try, at least? Control is clearly not her strength here, and she's still holding back, albeit less than before.]

I've heard worse things.

[A shrug of her shoulders as she flexes her fingers and the energy surges before fading back to the normal pulse.]

No doubt.

[ Loki has heard them all. ]

We will not succeed in a single session.

[There's a sort of awkwardness as she looks at him for a moment. She's used to being told that she has to learn now, reminded of her failures, about having Natasha's legend leveraged against her and yet failing by the sheer fact of trying to match her. She's used to torture, and pain, and being treated like something less than human.

She's not used to patience, and it makes her shift. She pulls the energy into her hands, forms a small sphere of energy inbetween her fingertips, and then tries to draw it back. Tries to feel it, as she sighs.]

Doesn't mean I won't try.

It does not.

[ Loki is not a rational person by nature. He is bogged down by his fears, desires and various crawling thoughts that he is unable to dislodge from his mind. But his intellect remains true, a polished facet from the centuries before and this helps him balance out the madness. At times. If anything, Loki understands the insidious nature of power that lurks beneath one's skin and how it becomes a feverish itch to control, to understand, to try. ]

But you cannot overcome all that you are in a day.

Unfortunately.

[It's a concession; that he's right. She can't overcome what she is easily. She's been trying in her own way, with the demands and reminders of SHIELD. She knows it'll take a while, but she feels a bit better about it than she has before. That maybe she can actually get this under control. And not in a way that involves capacitors and thermal netting like Stark had been talking about.

And even then, she'd blown out everything they'd tried.]

Let me try again? It's just harder.

[Finesse, she means. Her coping strategy up to this point has been avoiding doing the things that tended to have unpredictable results.]

[ Loki frowns but he nods his assent. ]

Very well. Once more.

[ With a flick of his fingers, Loki conjures up the vase in the center. ]

Remember, release and draw back. It is no different from a punch.

[Ava takes a breath, and there's a sort of fierce stubbornness she tends to not admit to, but becomes more clear in moments like this, where she struggles. She's never had anyone interested in teaching her finesse before.]

It's easier with things that are conductive. I can feel it better.

[She doesn't usually talk about her powers so candidly since no one really understands, but Loki's helping her, so she's trying to be open. She takes a breath, and lets the power crackle between her fingertips, and focuses on it. Letting herself feel it as something that's part of her, part of every beat of her heart, taking a breath before she releases it from her fingers. She tries to keep it more focused, though it still wobbles as it moves. Forking, pulling back together, forking again- but at least it spreads somewhat less than the first time.

It strikes the vase again, with blue lines of energy that twist and writhe. Calling it back to her isn't easy, but she at least doesn't lose it this time. It's like a snake in the air, uncontrolled, but eventually curling around her fingers, fading back into the ripples of her skin.]

Better?

It is an improvement.

[ Loki doesn't give compliments. At least not easily. His tongue is not the easiest to trust when it comes to honeyed words, so he's careful with them. Rarely does he squander their use unless he's sure it'll meet their mark. ]

We shall leave it there for now.

[Faint praise is still praise, and she soaks it up greedily. He's probably right, in that it's easier to trust precisely because they're not glowing. But she nods in agreement.]

Alright. [She takes a breath, refocusing herself, drawing the power back until the glow recedes from her skin, until the beat of her heart isn't a visible, shining thing. Her eyes still glimmer, but you can see her pupils. She struggles with it, but she manages it, her breath normalizing again, though the tension is obvious in how she holds herself once you've seen her without it.]

I think it helps.

[The direction, if nothing else. Something other than putting her power in guns and swords, the only way they seemed to think she was safe.]

It would. Thor would work in the same manner.

[ Powers like Thor's or hers require direction. Loki has that in spades. His ability to throw knives, calculated and deadly means he rarely misses and does not suffer a lack of control. An abundance of power can overwhelm you and Loki never had abundance in anything. Whatever he has learned, he has scraped by. ]

Once you have mastered the ability to direct, the rest will fall into place.

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