riverviewlogs | [open] i can't forget it

[ Cisco has seen Taako without his glamor before, just once, during that game of truth or dare months earlier. But that had only been for a few seconds, during a long and eventful day. The fact that Taako's wearing a too-big hoodie, rather than any of his usual cute ensembles, only enhances the difference.

Taako just looks small, and tired, and unhappy, standing there in the doorway. Cisco's first instinct is to throw himself on Taako, to hug him tightly, but he holds himself back. He doesn't know how Taako had been injured, and to what degree he'd been healed. Enough to be home, sure, but that doesn't mean there's no pain. And if it had been something very frightening, he might be even more than usually disinclined to hugs at the moment. So Cisco doesn't touch him, though there's some sign of the restraint, in the way he's holding his arms. He swallows, heart still beating fast, and says as normally as he can: ]

Hey, dude.

[ He tries to smile, and mostly it's worried and wan, but he does try at least. There's no covering the worry, the fretful affection and concern in his eyes. ]

Can I come in for a bit?

[Well, that's neither of the things he was expecting, though he can tell that Cisco is holding off on the urge to hug, which is greatly appreciated. He's a little sore in places, not enough to need to avoid contact, but he'd really rather... not, just yet.]

Sure thing.

[He steps back and turns around, gesturing for Cisco to follow along, but not quite looking at him as he offers:]

Can I get you like, a drink? Water? Tea? A put a pot of coffee on when I got home if you want in on that.

[The pleasantries come out a little automatic, a little rote. He doesn't mind Cisco being here, he's just not sure what to say.]

Water, but I can get it, I know where the cups are and all.

[ He doesn't want to say you should sit down, but the implication is there. Cisco isn't really thirsty, but it's an excuse to delay while he tries to figure out what to say, and it will give him something to hold so he isn't so awkward with his hands. He reaches down a glass and fills it from the tap, then comes back to Taako, not really sure where he'd like to sit, feeling awkward and uneasy on a lot of different levels at once.

In the end, Cisco just opts for honesty. ]

I came as soon as I saw. I wasn't looking at my phone and I didn't know anything had happened and then when I did it had already been so long but you were posting so I figured you weren't dead so I just ran over-

[ He cuts himself off, looking up at Taako who seems to be not really looking at him, torn between his own intense worry and his desire not to make things any worse than they clearly already are. Cisco takes a deep breath, a drink of the water, and then asks: ]

I'm not gonna interrogate you right now, but like... scale of 1 to 10, how bad?

[ Cisco leaves it up to Taako to determine how much - physical, emotional, etc - is being encompassed in that score. ]

[Implication or not, Taako doesn't sit, instead finding a spot against the kitchen table to lean back against, arms folded across his chest in a way that's more protective than defensive.

When Cisco starts talking, he already feels tired, and that's- that's not fair, because he knows Cisco is just here because he cares, and he tries to ignore the urge to snap at him. That's not even remotely fucking productive, especially not when it's what he's being doing all day.

So rather than all that, when Cisco finally actually asks a question, Taako just smiles.]

It's fine, bubbale, Lup overreacted.

[Even he's not buying that lie, but he doesn't know how to put the mess of the last couple hours into words.]

[ Cisco just nods, once. If Taako isn't even willing to lie and pick a middling or low number, then it must be quite bad. Probably not a random accident, then, or a monster or anything else environmental. Taako isn't acting like he's covering up embarrassment, the way he might if he'd gotten chewed on by a giant lizard or whatever. This is something worse. Personal, maybe? ]

Lup doesn't seem like the kind of person who overreacts a whole lot.

[ Which is another way of saying that he knows Taako is full of crap right now. Cisco looks up from the water at Taako, and that fake smile, and the way he's hugging himself like that. Most of the time, Cisco tries to find the good in the world, even when it's hard. But right now he hates that he lives in a world where things hurt Taako, and he can be standing here seeing him hurt, and not do anything to stop it or make it better.

Cisco sighs, and pulls out one of those kitchen chairs, sitting down and hanging his head for a moment. Just a moment, before he's looking up again, speaking frankly: ]

I can play along, if you'd like. But I think we both know that I can tell it's not fine.

[ It feels risky, saying this. He's afraid he'll hurt Taako more, afraid he'll drive him away. But ultimately, he thinks that saying this might be what's best for Taako, and right now that's all Cisco cares about. If it makes him the target of anger or scorn or annoyance, then so be it. ]

You know one of the reasons why we became friends? Like, real friends? You never let me get away with the fake smile shit. Every time I tried it, you called me out. Nobody had ever done that to me, before. I... kinda hated it. That you could see through me like that, when I didn't want to be seen.

[ Cisco keeps looking at Taako, his dark eyes steady; the fear has slipped away and left a sort of weird calm in its wake, making Cisco more grave than he usually is inclined to be. ]

You're my friend, Taako. You don't gotta talk about it... but you don't need to put on a big production, either. If you want me to leave, I'll go. All I wanted to do is see you were okay, with my own two eyes.

[This would be so much easier if Cisco wasn't so fucking honest all the time.

Most of the time it's something that Taako appreciates, it's what makes Cisco easy to read and easy to understand; he never has to worry about ulterior motives with a guy who wears his heart on his sleeve, and he never has to worry if he's going to annoy Cisco by being honest in turn (although it's usually a different kind of honesty).

Right now all he wants to do is pretend that everything is perfectly fine, but Cisco isn't going to let him get away with it. He''s giving him an out, sure, to tell him to leave, but that doesn't change the fact that Cisco knows that something is wrong and is going to keep knowing that something is wrong, regardless of what Taako says or does. It's frustrating, as much as he knows he should appreciate it.]

We talked to Magnus, tried to explain all the bullshit with the voidfish, and now he thinks we're fucking crazy people.

[That doesn't explain how Taako got hurt, but it's the set up for the shitty punchline.]

[ Cisco waits, breath held, for Taako to tell him to go. He's pretty sure it's what's going to happen. But then, Taako starts talking. It's not a full explanation, or even close, but it's a start. And he's trying - that's what is important. Cisco's heart sinks when he hears that Magnus had turned down the ichor. He'd been hoping, for Taako's sake, that he would say yes. Apparently, it's just more bad luck. Nothing can ever just go well, can it? ]

Did he... attack you?

[ Magnus hasn't seemed overly aggressive to Cisco, but you can never tell with some people. Certainly, he is a guy who reacts without hesitating. If Taako (and maybe Lup and Lucretia? he doesn't know who all is encompassed in that 'we') had seemed crazy and menacing enough, Magnus might have flipped out and ended up hurting Taako. It would explain why Taako is so deeply not okay, too. ]

No, god, Magnus couldn't fuck me up if he wanted to, and he's not that kinda guy.

[Magnus rushes in and all that, but he rarely hurts people unless they've done something to deserve it. He have Lucas so many chances before finally turning on him; it'd take more than a vaguely unnerving conversation for him to turn on Taako.

But Taako realises he's explaining this poorly, mostly because he doesn't want to get into it, doesn't want to actually say the words out loud. Telling Loki he picked a fight and lost is different than telling Cisco, someone who knows the backstory and understands what it all means.

He sighs, scrubbing his hands over his face.]

I started shit with Lucretia, and she finished it.

[ Cisco doesn't bother to hide his relief at that. He likes Magnus, a lot, but even if there were circumstances to justify it, he couldn't help but like him less if he found out that he had hurt Taako. So he gives a little nod, relieved, but also back to square one in terms of what had actually happened. He could ask a bunch more questions, could guess again, but that seems like a bad call right now. So instead, he just holds onto that water glass, looking up at Taako and waiting silently for him to give some hint. Either he would say it, or he would change the subject. Either way, the ball is in his court, now.

CIsco watches Taako rub his hands over his face (that face which is just slightly unfamiliar), and he thinks Taako is gearing himself up to speak, but he doesn't rush him. When Taako finally does say it was Lucretia, Cisco's stomach sinks, like it's full of lead.

Lucretia. It was Lucretia who had hurt Taako. Or, to put it more accurately, Lucretia who had hurt Taako again. Cisco drops his gaze away, staring at that water glass. He is so angry that all he can do for a few moments is grit his teeth and not say anything, because if he did speak it would be very, very unkind. Taako and him have been through this, before. He knows that it won't help Taako any.

It is simple, for him. Taako is his friend, and therefore, anyone who hurts Taako is his enemy. Easy. But Taako loves Lucretia, has a deeper connection with her than Cisco can understand - that's what he keeps saying. So for Taako, apparently, it isn't simple. But that doesn't stop Cisco from being kinda messed up about the fact that someone Taako keeps defending time and again keeps hurting him time and again, with no end in sight.

Finally, he realizes he's been totally silent for an awkwardly long time, and asks, as neutrally as he can: ]

Is she here?

[Honestly, Taako isn't all that cognizant of Cisco's reaction or how much time has passed or anything that's going on outside the storm of emotions inside his own head. He just wants everything to be quiet for a little while, but every time he stops moving he just starts thinking of the fight again, of what he said to Lucretia, of what she did.

It isn't until Cisco speaks again that Taako even remembers he's in the goddamn room, and that forced neutrality says as much as any anger would.

Taako shakes his head, a definite no, but there's something in him that feels a little bit like a liar, not making it clear what happened. And there's another part of him that just wants to confess.]

I don't-- I've never been that angry before, even with fucking Dodger it wasn't... it wasn't that bad. [Scared, sure, but not furious the way he was at Lucretia. He's never picked a fight like that before, not to such an extreme.] She trapped me in a sphere and I just, I knew she wouldn't let me kill myself. It was so fucking stupid to cast something in the bubble but I wanted to get out so I could hurt her.

[And with that final, shitty admission and his hands shaking, Taako turns away from Cisco almost as if on autopilot, walking into the living room where he takes a seat on the couch, pulling one of the cushions to his chest. It's not really avoiding Cisco, he just... needed to sit down, somewhere a little more comforting than the kitchen table. Somewhere he can curl in on himself.]

[ Something inside Cisco goes cold when Taako says I knew she wouldn't let me kill myself. Even if Taako had been sure Lucretia would stop him, it's still so wildly reckless as to be basically suicidal, anyway. Are things really that bad? Cisco's known that Taako's been in a bad place, ever since Lucretia got that canister. Maybe even earlier - since Magnus arrived and didn't remember him. But he hadn't thought it was this severe. For someone with Taako's survival instincts to cast a potentially deadly spell, on himself, as a tactic... it's not good.

The urge to just go over hug Taako is back, but Cisco instead just gets up, leaves the table and that water glass and follows Taako to the couch. He sits on the opposite end - close enough to talk quietly, but not touching Taako, or even within easy reach. Seeing Taako all curled up like that hurts, like a physical pain in his chest. ]

Did you? Hurt her, I mean.

[ His intense worry over Taako supplants his anger at Lucretia, at least in part. If Taako injured himself trying to get back at her during a fight, that is marginally less unforgivable than if she had just unleashed some kind of awful spell right at him, deliberately. Even if all of this is stemming from her decisions in the first place. Still, he doesn't want Lucretia hurt or anything - not really. And he hadn't read Lup's post carefully enough to tell if the healer she'd asked for had been for more than just her brother. ]

I'm sorry.

[ What else is there to say? There's nothing he could have done, but it's not really an apology, the way he says it, so much as an expression of sadness that all of this had happened in the first place. ]

Pretty sure I barely scratched her shields.

[Pride is a funny thing, with Taako, but he's not unwilling to admit when he's not the most powerful person in a room, and it's not surprising that Lucretia was so much more powerful than him. He had to start from scratch, learning magic, and even if he remembered everything eventually it's still not the same as over a decade of uninterrupted practice.

But it's still pathetic, mostly because he was casting low level spells at her, trying to get a reaction, and all it took was one of her spells to knock out half of his HP.]

[ On the one hand, this may a good thing - Taako wouldn't have to feel guilty about hurting his friend - his family, basically. On the other hand, Cisco knows that it's not a great feeling, knowing someone else is so much more powerful than you. That the only reason your shit isn't completely wrecked is that they made the decision not to wreck it.

He's used to thinking of Taako as pretty damn powerful - even if Taako had told him on multiple occasions that when it comes to damage, his tolerance is pretty low. But for Lucretia to have withstood his magic without it even ruining her shields... she must be a lot more powerful than Cisco had imagined. His impression of her abilities is an old one - outdated now, after that canister. Back then in her office, he'd felt bad asking for something that was beyond her abilities. Now... he is going to have to re-evaluate.

For a few quiet moments, Cisco just looks over at Taako, sitting there on the couch, clinging to that pillow, looking vulnerable and tired. Hesitantly, he asks: ]

Are you still injured enough that it's gonna hurt you if I give you a hug?

Edited 2017-09-06 02:37 (UTC)

[It's silly, that the question catches him by surprise, considering this is Cisco of all people, but Taako was too wrapped up in his own thoughts to consider it. So he glances up, a little startled, and then looks away.]

I don't- you don't have to do that.

[It isn't a real answer one way or another, but maybe it is, since Cisco knows him well enough by now to know that if he was hurt and wanted to actually avoid a hug, he wouldn't have hesitated to use it as an excuse.]

I know. But I really want to.

[ Cisco can tell the difference between Taako not really understanding being offered comfort, and Taako not wanting to be touched. It hurts a bit, how Taako sort of defaults to thinking Cisco is offering to hug him out of obligation, that he feels the need to point out he is fine on his own, doesn't need anything from anyone. It's not the sort of thing Cisco would ever point out, but it's something he's noticed.

He uncrosses his legs and moves across the couch, close enough that he can reach out and draw Taako against him for a hug. He doesn't cling too tightly, worried about hurting him despite what Taako said, but he also doesn't let go right away. Or at all. He presses his cheek against the side of Taako's head, smoothing a hand over his hair and just holding him for a moment or two. Cisco doesn't make a production about it; he just does it, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. ]

[There's a moment of hesitation, not because of anything to do with Cisco, but because Taako's not sure if he trusts himself to keep it together in the face of someone being kind. But he also can't resist the need to seek out a little bit of comfort, so he quickly relents, shifting so it's easier for Cisco to pull him into a hug.

There's not really anything he can say, or anything he trusts himself to get out without doing something stupid like crying, so Taako just shuts up and holds onto Cisco and does his very best to keep his shit together.

And despite his minor protest and even more minor hesitation, he has zero interest in pulling away. If Cisco lets him get away with it, he's going to be there for at least ten minutes.]

[ There is a part of Cisco that wants to ask Taako never to pull shit like that again. That wants to point out how selfish and reckless it was, when there are so many people who care about him, to cast a spell on himself. What if Lup hadn't found a healer in time? What if he'd been permanently injured, or died? In a way he couldn't be brought back from?

But Taako had already said it was a stupid call. He already seems like he's feeling embarrassed, so why heap guilt on top of that. Besides, Cisco might not know her as well as Taako, but he'd bet on Lup giving a much better version of that speech.

The fact is, he isn't going to make Taako feel any better with words, and he knows that. So he just holds him, staying uncharacteristically silent, running a hand down Taako's hair or across his back every now and then. He only breaks the silence after a while, to murmur: ]

I know I probably say this too much, but... if you ever need anything... place to hide out for a bit... drinking buddy... hour-long hug... all you gotta do is say the word, I'm there.

[ Despite that disclaimer, Cisco doesn't really think it's the sort of thing that can be said too often. Particularly to someone like Taako, who seems to default to hiding his weaknesses. ]

Want me to brush your hair?

[It's not that he doesn't know that Cisco would easily offer any of those things, it's just hard to accept it sometimes. There's a reason he went to Bryn, not Cisco or Lup, after Lucretia first changed, and it was because he didn't want to be around someone who was going to make him actually open up and talk about it. Not that Cisco would've pushed it, but he is, by nature, that kind of person and even Taako isn't immune to it.

It's exactly what's happening right now, even if logically he knows that immediately burying everything and putting on a front isn't the greatest way to cope, sometimes that seems preferable to actually opening up and being any kind of vulnerable. But right now Cisco's the person who's here and he's - grateful, even if he also hates it a little bit.]

I know, bubbale. [If he sounds a little choked up, maybe Cisco will ignore it.] Um, I don't-- Not right now? Not really into like, doing anything. At all.

[He's .2 seconds away from tears and he's pretty sure that almost anything will trigger it at this point.]

I'm just fucking tired.

[Of all this bullshit, really.]

Okay. We don't have to do anything.

[ Cisco can hear it in Taako's voice - how weary he is, how close to breaking down. Under certain circumstances, he might have tried to encourage that, to get Taako to just purge those bad feelings and hope that he would feel better afterwards. But his instincts are telling him that right now isn't one of those times. Not when Taako is so weary, when he'd just gone through the indignity of being so angry, and being beaten in a fight, and being hurt, and having his sister spread all that on the public network.

So Cisco doesn't push him. He just keeps holding onto him, not showing any signs that he is going to let go until Taako wants him to. They sit like that for a moment or two in silence, before Cisco says quietly: ]

I ever tell you about the time I got blown up by Pied Piper, aka my least favorite coworker of all time?

[ He had done this sometimes with Caitlin, in the first awful month after the particle accelerator explosion, when she was a wreck over Ronnie (and Cisco was trying to pretend he wasn't a wreck over Ronnie, too). He would just hold her for a while and talk about complete nonsense - bad 80s movies he loved, or awful conferences he'd attended, the personal quirks and foibles of the professors he'd had in college. Anything to get her mind away from the present, to fill up the silence with words that didn't really matter all that much.

And he thinks maybe that will help Taako, too. So he picks a story that seems harmless - Hartley Rathaway, with all his privilege and spite and stupid grandiose plans involving sound waves - and starts to recount it. He starts right around the beginning, how much he'd hated working with Hartley, how he'd thought he was finally free of him once Hartley was fired. He dodges some bits of the story, for his own reasons; it's pretty clear, that most of the parts he's glossing over heavily revolve around Eobard, but there's still plenty to tell that doesn't involve him much. Cisco talks about how he'd missed the implants in Hartley's ears being explosives, how he'd gotten his ass blown up and had to deal with all the concussion bullshit afterwards.

He talks at a steady pace, but his attention is divided - only half of it going into the story while the other half is focused on Taako, and his breathing and whether he seems tense or uncomfortable. The point here isn't to tell this tale because it's important, but because he wants to give Taako a little slice of escapism, something to focus on that is not his life and how miserable he is right now. ]

[It's a relief to have something else to focus on, something that he doesn't have to actually think about or respond to, because both of those things are a long way away from something that he's capable of doing. Listening, though, he can do, and it's helping to take the edge off the tension that had settled in his chest even after the fight is long over. His breathing, which had been a little rough, evens out as Cisco talks, slowing down to a more sedate pace that says a lot about how worn out he is.

If he was human this might be where he'd doze off, but he isn't so he doesn't, though it's a near thing. Cisco isn't family, not the way the IPRE are, not the way Lup is, but he's someone that Taako trusts enough to truly let his guard down around. There's still a part of him that expects that to bite him in the ass someday, but he hopes it doesn't.

By the time Cisco's story is wrapped up, the urge to cry has (mostly) passed and the shitty feelings have subsided to a manageable level, at least for the moment. Taako gently extracts himself from the embrace, leaning back and scrubbing at his face to try to shove away a little of that exhaustion.]

Thank you.

[Thank you and I'm sorry are two things that Taako doesn't say a lot, but this is important enough to break his own little rule about owing people shit or admitting he needed help or whatever the issue with showing gratitude is.]

[ Cisco has been holding Taako for long enough that it feels strange for the first moment or two, after he moves. But when Cisco gets a look at him, Taako looks... better. Not good, by any stretch, but less fragile. Less like he is holding himself together with both hands.

He can tell the difference, between that thank you and the kind of casual thanks pumpkin that Taako would toss out easily if Cisco handed him his hat or brought him a mug of tea. This is a thank you with some weight, and he doesn't take that lightly. But he doesn't want to make a fuss over it, either, so he just smiles softly and says: ]

Anytime.

[ It's only a moment after that that Cisco hears the sound of the door open - Lup, returning from her errands, which seems like a good time to excuse himself. He wasn't about to leave Taako on his own, but if Lup is there, Cisco knows she will take care of her brother. So he says a quick goodbye and, with one last glance over his shoulder at Taako sitting on that couch, looking small and wan, he leaves. ]

[open] i can't forget it

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