[OPEN] 5 Times Peter Parker Had a Baby +1 Time Spider-Man Did

[madeupnames]

who: Peter (+1 Spider-Man) And You.
what: Peter doing a fake baby project for school, save him.
when: Two Weeks in September
where: All over.
warnings: A fake baby crying incessantly. :|


1. Tramtastic Day

[Peter Parker never really gave much thought to being a dad.

He definitely wanted to be one, of course. And like, he didn't have any preferences! A boy would be easier because he'd totally understand his weird brain, and a son would maybe be a little less worried about talking to him about stuff. And a girl would be awesome because then May would have a little girl she could dress up and have make-over parties with. Not that a grandson couldn't do that, too. But like. Lord, that poor lady has had so much testosterone around her, you know?

Anyway, beyond that, he was too busy either sweating over SATs or fighting people on the side of airplanes. So it's never really been a concern, and there are literally no children in his life anyway, because Parkers have issues. And yet now he's thinking about it way too much, because he's got a crying baby in his arms, one he's trying to hush back to sleep on a tram. Don't worry, it's not real...! It's just, um. It's for a project for school. One of those plastic ones that is high-tech enough to do all the things a newborn does.

They're crazy realistic, though, and it sounds like an upset baby. And oh god, he's never had to take care of a baby before? This is literally hour 2 and he has no clue what he's gonna do. And he's so tired from all his night shifts, and—

The baby continues crying as a tram-goer looks with judgement, and Peter blushes.]

Sorry! Sorry, I'm—

C'mon, Zoe, it's cool, I got you — oh man, shh, shh.

[Peter, she can't actually hear you, stop being so weird, he thinks.

Hopefully she wants her weird fake bottle or just a good rocking, because he's not about to check if she fake-pooped. This is so weird. How is he gonna be Spider-Man and take care of an infant for a grade? But look, it's not like he can ignore the project. He doesn't have the heart to let a fake baby die in remotely any way. If there's anyone who takes this shit 100% seriously, it's Peter Parker.

...He just wishes Ned were here. He'd be a great other dad.

Pay no mind to the teenager with a car seat in hand, as he walks back to his studio apartment.]

2. Hello, I Am A Broke Teenaged Father Still In School

[To any of his trustworthy CR (you know who you are), a message comes in at 3:00 PM:]

Can you babysit for me for a sec, I gotta run to the library and I'm pretty sure crying newborns are not a good idea there. I'll pay u 20$$ and maybe get u a cheeseburger or something. ✌✌✌

[... This is not a weird or concerning request at all.]

3. Dinosaurs are the best choice here.

[Peter visits the thirft shop he really likes just a few blocks from his place — the owner is a nice lady who always has a candy jar up on the register counter. Anyway, he knows that it's not a requirement that fake babies have clothes, but he feels kind of bad about leaving his fake baby in a generic onesie all this time.

So he stands at the baby section with the car seat at his feet, combing through all these adorable girl outfits, and despite everything he's kind of getting too into this.]

Oh this one's cute... Those frills look so uncomfortable around the arms, though...

How about something flowy...? This pink and gold one's... pretty...?

[He laughs, though, reading the cursive on the front.

ALL BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE FELL IN LOVE.]

Thaaat's not... accurate...

[And it probably won't ever be. It makes him a little sad, actually. Because he supposes all of this is just some stupid fairytale daydream, for him. He's not gonna fall in love and have kids or anything like that, because he'll be —

He gasps loudly, holding up a dinosaur onesie with stars in his eyes.

Terrible Thoughts averted.]

Badass!

[HE WANTS TO BE SHRUNK SMALL AND WEAR THIS ASAP THANKS]

4. (TEXT) Children Are Scary Teeth Monsters (warning for creepy teeth stuff)

Okay but have you guys ever seen the Xray of a kid's jaw???
It's the SCARIEST THING I THINK I'VE EVER SEEN
I am deeply regretting all this studying i'm doing now 😫

ATTACHMENT PHOTO: TODDLER_TOOTH_XRAY.JPG

5. Insert Cheesy Lullaby Here

[Okay, but like, it's not a real baby. And it's just a grade. He really shouldn't get too crazy with it. If he misses a feeding, it's only gonna drop his grade a little.

He's cool with just a passing grade, right? Except he knows he's full of shit and startles awake to feed a fake baby with a fake bottle as a fake parent.

Sometime in the night ZoeThe Fake Baby (clad in her awesome dinosaur outfit) ends up going into what the teacher warned would be just "crying just to cry", which he had shrugged off at the time... but is now seriously regretting his life choices. "Shut that baby up!" comes from down the apartment's hall, so he ditches his room and decides to just walk the late-night streets. The crying persists, but it at least is not quite so intense, and he can just keep walking so nobody has to get an earful around their apartment or home for too long.

Oh! Rocking is helping. Sweet.

He's so tired.

He was supposed to go do some Spider-Man work tonight. What if he's missing someone in trouble? He has to figure out a way to do this all together.]

+1. ♪ SPIDER-DAD, SPIDER-DAD ♪



[Peter has ignored his work for long enough. So he figures he'll just do some late-night Spider-Manning with the baby. Just surveillance stuff! Nothing too wild. And if something happens, it's fine. Because Zoe's not a real baby! And real lives are a little critical to keep watch over, not a social project.

So your eyes are not deceiving you when Spider-Man swings by with a baby in a baby carrier on his chest. That's definitely a real thing.

He ends up running into a jewelry shop robber during his shift, who looks a little familiar (didn't you punch me in the face a few weeks ago?) and you know what?

This was a terrible idea.]

You could at least use a less generic robbery get-up, geez!

[Wait, there's two of them.

Peter's spider senses go off a little belatedly, as he instinctively turns so that a well-placed foot slams into his back instead of Zoe.

He goes bowling down the street with a surprised yelp as muscle-head #2 appears on the scene.

... But he makes sure to support Zoe's head, so her neck's secure.

Gonna get that A+.

Also, don't hurt my fake daughter.

"Is that a fucking baby?" the guy says, confused in the bare lighting from the streetlight.

Peter kicks him in the head, and jewelry goes everywhere from his generic-ass burglary bag.]

Comments

2 because sam is Very Trustworthy

[wingedman]

Why do you have a crying baby?

[madeupnames]

I stole it off a citizen b/c it was a cute baby with pinchable cheeks. 👏
Or it's a fake baby I gotta keep from dying for school, your choice.

[wingedman]

Well, since you aren't a menopausal woman desperate for grandbabies, I'm gonna go with option 2.

I'll babysit your doll, no need to pay me.

[madeupnames]

when you say it like that, it sounds creepy like I just carry around doll babies all day for fun. But okay!! I'll be over soon.


But you still want a cheeseburger???

[wingedman]

[Sam suspects that Peter's sense of pride won't let him accept totally free babysitting, so he might as well go for the cheeseburger.]

Hey, I don't judge. Everyone has hobbies. But sure, I'll take the cheeseburger.

[madeupnames]

Awesome, I'll be over very soon with Zoe!
Don't you go anywhere uncle sam 👀✌

[He's gonna come knocking with this baby in tow, bruh.]

[wingedman]

[Sam greets him at the door, deftly accepting the baby carrier from him.]

I've never been an uncle before - but don't worry, I've definitely taken care of a whole lot of kids. [Extended family plus small children at church. Sam has more than enough experience for a robot child.] Also, that's a real cute onesie you've got there.

[And Sam makes a shooing motion.] Go on, go study or whatever it is you need to do. Zoe and I'll be just fine.

1. Because Peter shouldn't trust him anymore

[nobasisinfact]

[Richard isn't expecting to see Peter, let alone Peter with a car seat and a screaming baby dressed in pink. It takes him a moment's pause before it sinks in and he makes short work of heading over (to mock the kid, not to help).]

That won't teach you a thing about dealing with real children. Have you given it a bottle?

[madeupnames]

[He starts digging into his backpack the moment the question's posed, even if he feels more than a little mortified getting caught like this being so out of his element.]

Y-yeah, I'll try that now—

[He squints suspiciously at Strand, though.]you're giving me advice on babies?

[nobasisinfact]

I'm an adult Peter, it's not inconceivable that I've had children of my own.

[The words come out with a slight smirk. Apparently, the shell that he'd worked so hard on didn't allow others to think of him as possibly a doting father. Or any type of father for that matter.]

If it's not hungry then it's probably sleepy, wants attention, or needs it's diaper changed.

[madeupnames]

[THE AWE ON HIS FACE AT HIM SAYING HE'S HAD CHILDREN.]

R-right...! Gotcha...!

[He finally gets out the fake bottle, offering it to the fake baby, who is immediately settled down.

He breathes out in utter relief at that.]

... You have kids? Really?

[nobasisinfact]

[He watches Peter breathe a sigh of relief and can recall the first time Charlie cried like that, how panicked he'd been at not knowing what to do to calm her down and how terrifying it was to be alone in that panic.

He wouldn't wish this project on anyone, especially not someone as emotional as Peter.]

The disbelief in Peter's words brings Richard's brown to rise in amusement.

Is that so surprising?

[But still, he'd asked, and he didn't mind talking about Charlie to a select few. Peter happened to be one of them.]

I have a daughter, Charlie.

[madeupnames]

[Peter sure brightens up a little at that.]

I didn't know! I bet she's super smart. It's all in the genes, right?

[Look, he's complimenting you. Enjoy it before he's a little shit at some point.]

Sorry you gotta be separated from her here, though. Must be aggravating.

5

[breqintopieces]

[Once again, Peter isn't the only one out later than he probably should be, though this time, Breq might actually be looking just a bit actively tired herself. She has a bag she's carrying over one shoulder, and there's a couple reddened scrapes visible along one forearm, but most noticeable to an observer is the stiff way she walks.

It's not taking her attention away from her surroundings, though, and something-- either the whining of the robot child, or something about Peter's movements, has her noticing, and immediately altering her path.]

Peter?

[She hasn't asked just yet, but from the way her attention is fixed on the bundle in his arms, he probably knows what question is coming next.]

[madeupnames]

[Peter whirls around, and hair all curly and wild after a few hours of sleep. The dude is clearly in his pajamas, wandering the street. People would probably think he's crazy, all things considered. He clears his throat and smiles at her bashfully as she wanders by. He definitely looks sleepy. Just knock him over onto a pillow and he'd be out cold.

Zoe the fake doll cries softly, not quite at wailing levels now.]

H-hi, Breq! Where're you coming from?

[breqintopieces]

Working. Scouting out a survey route, in particular.

[She lifts her shoulder to indicate the gear she's carrying with her, though most of it is bundled away and not actually visible. Her next gesture-- with the scraped arm-- is toward Peter's bundle, and the sounds still emerging from it.]

You have your hands full. [In more ways than one.]

[madeupnames]

[Peter notes the scraped arm — because he's so utterly used to getting a little beat-up himself, let's be real — before glancing down at Zoe, all bundled up and hiccuping in that weirdly detached but no less concerning speaker-speak.]

Mmm? Oh! Yes. Yes, definitely.

This is Zoe, my... fake-daughter... for a not-fake school grade.

[... His life is strange sometimes, even excluding the Spider-Man life.]

[breqintopieces]

[This time, the response is a double eyebrow raise as Breq examines the baby doll that Peter is carrying.]

I wasn't aware of the practice.

[Different cultures, she assumes. Though that doesn't quite explain...]

And that has you out at this hour?

[madeupnames]

[He pats the robo-baby's back as he rocks on his feet, getting way too used to the motion that actually gets her to settle down. And all the while, he's turning pink in the dim lighting.]

Y-yeah! I didn't wanna upset my neighbors. So I figured a walk'd be a good idea.

[A walk in the dead of night, with no one around, looking like a free target for mugging or murder.

Y'know, typical Peter Parker.]

3

[threatenwithcuteness]

*Thrift stores are not usually Lola's scene, but the lady had sweets and an eye for good stuff. And Lola, being Lola, made friends and could get some things that went with whatever she wanted. Plus, sweets in a jar!*

*Thus she was browsing the racks for anything that was a lost treasure instead of just... things that really deserved to be lost. Of course her shopping was often distracted by other people shopping. Being horrified by their choices. That color is a spring and they're clearly a winter. That shirt is too baggy for them. Those jeans won't fit. Teenager buying baby clothes.*

*...Teenager buying baby clothes?*

...Why are you buying that?

*She met this guy once in a water park this is none of her business. But she has to know, especially as her hesitation is clear in how she asked that question.*

[madeupnames]

[He startles before whirling around, holding a yellow frilly onesie to his chest.

Man, it's that one cute girl from the waterpark...!]

Oh, it's — it's for my baby?

[......... Ah.]

I mean, for a school project! It's not a real baby. I'm not — I'm definitely not a dad-dad. [See: the car seat by his feet, where a fake baby is fake sleeping.] It's just for a good grade. But I thought it's kind of crappy parenting if I left her in the same outfit for two weeks... right?

[threatenwithcuteness]

*Lola visibly relaxes at the explanation. Whatever horror scenario in her head replaced with a totally normal, but still really dumb, answer.*

It'd be a little weird, have you been here long enough to even have a kid. I mean I guess an alien kid could take less time. But that'd be a bit- are you an alien?

*Lola's gotten super distracted, she also still seems nervous even though whatever was up with her has definitely been answered.*

I've never done the robot baby assignment. It felt a little too- anyway, I have no idea if it's okay to just let them where the one outfit.

But... I'd probably get a few so at least they wouldn't clash with mine.

*Lola answer.*

[madeupnames]

[He laughs a little; maybe this was stupid? But at least she seemed on board enough]

I'm definitely not an alien. Just regretting my school projects.

[... He wonders if his spider stuff would pass on to his children, though. What a wild thought, one he doesn't entertain for long. One, because it's a depressing reality that may never happen now, and two — he wildly imagines spider-babies with human heads and it freaks him out. Nope no no no.

Instead he holds up the dinosaur onesie.]

Scale of one to ten, what do you think?

[threatenwithcuteness]

Well, at least it's just a school project.

*Could be the real thing, that'd be... incredibly intimidating and terrifying.*

Oh, um, eight. The color isn't great. But it is super cute for the dinosaur thing.

[madeupnames]

[A nod of agreement; thank god it's just a project. He doesn't wanna be an underage dad, okay? That just sounds horrible, because there's so much he's gotta do before he can even think of that kind of added responsibility.]

Well... Eight's pretty good! I bet it rates higher than most of my outfits.

[HA HA.]