[OPEN] 5 Times Peter Parker Had a Baby +1 Time Spider-Man Did

[madeupnames]

who: Peter (+1 Spider-Man) And You.
what: Peter doing a fake baby project for school, save him.
when: Two Weeks in September
where: All over.
warnings: A fake baby crying incessantly. :|


1. Tramtastic Day

[Peter Parker never really gave much thought to being a dad.

He definitely wanted to be one, of course. And like, he didn't have any preferences! A boy would be easier because he'd totally understand his weird brain, and a son would maybe be a little less worried about talking to him about stuff. And a girl would be awesome because then May would have a little girl she could dress up and have make-over parties with. Not that a grandson couldn't do that, too. But like. Lord, that poor lady has had so much testosterone around her, you know?

Anyway, beyond that, he was too busy either sweating over SATs or fighting people on the side of airplanes. So it's never really been a concern, and there are literally no children in his life anyway, because Parkers have issues. And yet now he's thinking about it way too much, because he's got a crying baby in his arms, one he's trying to hush back to sleep on a tram. Don't worry, it's not real...! It's just, um. It's for a project for school. One of those plastic ones that is high-tech enough to do all the things a newborn does.

They're crazy realistic, though, and it sounds like an upset baby. And oh god, he's never had to take care of a baby before? This is literally hour 2 and he has no clue what he's gonna do. And he's so tired from all his night shifts, and—

The baby continues crying as a tram-goer looks with judgement, and Peter blushes.]

Sorry! Sorry, I'm—

C'mon, Zoe, it's cool, I got you — oh man, shh, shh.

[Peter, she can't actually hear you, stop being so weird, he thinks.

Hopefully she wants her weird fake bottle or just a good rocking, because he's not about to check if she fake-pooped. This is so weird. How is he gonna be Spider-Man and take care of an infant for a grade? But look, it's not like he can ignore the project. He doesn't have the heart to let a fake baby die in remotely any way. If there's anyone who takes this shit 100% seriously, it's Peter Parker.

...He just wishes Ned were here. He'd be a great other dad.

Pay no mind to the teenager with a car seat in hand, as he walks back to his studio apartment.]

2. Hello, I Am A Broke Teenaged Father Still In School

[To any of his trustworthy CR (you know who you are), a message comes in at 3:00 PM:]

Can you babysit for me for a sec, I gotta run to the library and I'm pretty sure crying newborns are not a good idea there. I'll pay u 20$$ and maybe get u a cheeseburger or something. ✌✌✌

[... This is not a weird or concerning request at all.]

3. Dinosaurs are the best choice here.

[Peter visits the thirft shop he really likes just a few blocks from his place — the owner is a nice lady who always has a candy jar up on the register counter. Anyway, he knows that it's not a requirement that fake babies have clothes, but he feels kind of bad about leaving his fake baby in a generic onesie all this time.

So he stands at the baby section with the car seat at his feet, combing through all these adorable girl outfits, and despite everything he's kind of getting too into this.]

Oh this one's cute... Those frills look so uncomfortable around the arms, though...

How about something flowy...? This pink and gold one's... pretty...?

[He laughs, though, reading the cursive on the front.

ALL BECAUSE TWO PEOPLE FELL IN LOVE.]

Thaaat's not... accurate...

[And it probably won't ever be. It makes him a little sad, actually. Because he supposes all of this is just some stupid fairytale daydream, for him. He's not gonna fall in love and have kids or anything like that, because he'll be —

He gasps loudly, holding up a dinosaur onesie with stars in his eyes.

Terrible Thoughts averted.]

Badass!

[HE WANTS TO BE SHRUNK SMALL AND WEAR THIS ASAP THANKS]

4. (TEXT) Children Are Scary Teeth Monsters (warning for creepy teeth stuff)

Okay but have you guys ever seen the Xray of a kid's jaw???
It's the SCARIEST THING I THINK I'VE EVER SEEN
I am deeply regretting all this studying i'm doing now 😫

ATTACHMENT PHOTO: TODDLER_TOOTH_XRAY.JPG

5. Insert Cheesy Lullaby Here

[Okay, but like, it's not a real baby. And it's just a grade. He really shouldn't get too crazy with it. If he misses a feeding, it's only gonna drop his grade a little.

He's cool with just a passing grade, right? Except he knows he's full of shit and startles awake to feed a fake baby with a fake bottle as a fake parent.

Sometime in the night ZoeThe Fake Baby (clad in her awesome dinosaur outfit) ends up going into what the teacher warned would be just "crying just to cry", which he had shrugged off at the time... but is now seriously regretting his life choices. "Shut that baby up!" comes from down the apartment's hall, so he ditches his room and decides to just walk the late-night streets. The crying persists, but it at least is not quite so intense, and he can just keep walking so nobody has to get an earful around their apartment or home for too long.

Oh! Rocking is helping. Sweet.

He's so tired.

He was supposed to go do some Spider-Man work tonight. What if he's missing someone in trouble? He has to figure out a way to do this all together.]

+1. ♪ SPIDER-DAD, SPIDER-DAD ♪



[Peter has ignored his work for long enough. So he figures he'll just do some late-night Spider-Manning with the baby. Just surveillance stuff! Nothing too wild. And if something happens, it's fine. Because Zoe's not a real baby! And real lives are a little critical to keep watch over, not a social project.

So your eyes are not deceiving you when Spider-Man swings by with a baby in a baby carrier on his chest. That's definitely a real thing.

He ends up running into a jewelry shop robber during his shift, who looks a little familiar (didn't you punch me in the face a few weeks ago?) and you know what?

This was a terrible idea.]

You could at least use a less generic robbery get-up, geez!

[Wait, there's two of them.

Peter's spider senses go off a little belatedly, as he instinctively turns so that a well-placed foot slams into his back instead of Zoe.

He goes bowling down the street with a surprised yelp as muscle-head #2 appears on the scene.

... But he makes sure to support Zoe's head, so her neck's secure.

Gonna get that A+.

Also, don't hurt my fake daughter.

"Is that a fucking baby?" the guy says, confused in the bare lighting from the streetlight.

Peter kicks him in the head, and jewelry goes everywhere from his generic-ass burglary bag.]

Comments

2 because sam is Very Trustworthy

[wingedman]

Why do you have a crying baby?

[madeupnames]

I stole it off a citizen b/c it was a cute baby with pinchable cheeks. 👏
Or it's a fake baby I gotta keep from dying for school, your choice.

[wingedman]

Well, since you aren't a menopausal woman desperate for grandbabies, I'm gonna go with option 2.

I'll babysit your doll, no need to pay me.

[madeupnames]

when you say it like that, it sounds creepy like I just carry around doll babies all day for fun. But okay!! I'll be over soon.


But you still want a cheeseburger???

[wingedman]

[Sam suspects that Peter's sense of pride won't let him accept totally free babysitting, so he might as well go for the cheeseburger.]

Hey, I don't judge. Everyone has hobbies. But sure, I'll take the cheeseburger.

[madeupnames]

Awesome, I'll be over very soon with Zoe!
Don't you go anywhere uncle sam 👀✌

[He's gonna come knocking with this baby in tow, bruh.]

[wingedman]

[Sam greets him at the door, deftly accepting the baby carrier from him.]

I've never been an uncle before - but don't worry, I've definitely taken care of a whole lot of kids. [Extended family plus small children at church. Sam has more than enough experience for a robot child.] Also, that's a real cute onesie you've got there.

[And Sam makes a shooing motion.] Go on, go study or whatever it is you need to do. Zoe and I'll be just fine.

[madeupnames]

[He almost looks way too proud of that onesie.]

Thanks! And if you wanna sing at her or whatever, she registers that, so. Obviously it's good for bonus points for school. Um...! I'll be back real fast, I promise! With cheeseburgers! Do you like everything on yours?

[He's walking backwards he swears, he's just making sure!]

[wingedman]

No onions!

[He calls after Peter. It's nothing personal against the onions, he just doesn't feel like dealing with onion breath.

When Peter returns, Sam and Zoe have relocated to the living room, the baby settled comfortably in the crook of his arm, and there's a circle of mice sitting around them as he reads a book to her from his tablet.

Hey, at least they aren't roomba jousting for her entertainment.

Sam glances up from the tablet and holds a finger to his lips to shush Peter.]

She just fell asleep again.

[madeupnames]

[He's gotta admit, it's pretty funny seeing a bunch of teenagers panic about fake babies — and also a little funny seeing the adults playing along to much. He can't help but smile a little, his backpack heavy with reading materials and a bag of diner food tucked under one arm, and keeps his voice low.]

No onions. And fries.

[He carefully puts the back on the table, wrinkling his nose.]

I still can't believe this place sometimes.

[He's talking about your mice circle, Sam.]

[wingedman]

You're just lucky the ghost dog isn't here right now.

[yES HE'S SERIOUS]

Although the smell of burgers might summon him. And I should've given you cash to grab an extra order of fries for the mice.

[Look at them, they're so sad their whiskers are practically drooping.]

[madeupnames]

[He dang near startles at the idea of the mice being sad and hungry, and like any doofus he is quick to start digging into his own bag for the side of fries there.]

Oh, that's — here! They can have mine.

[Here you go, lil' mice, rejoice in the name of unhealthy foods.]

I got a burger, so it's fine.

[Sure, his metabolism is buck wild, but he can handle missing out on some french fries.

He's got enough ramen back home to make a salt mine.]

[wingedman]

Oh my god, they're all a bunch of fakers. Trust me, they aren't about to starve.

[But it's too late, the mice have latched onto the fries and are literally dancing and singing the praises of "the Priest of Pancake Procurement".

...very quietly, because they have learned the Rules of Baby-Sitting, which include Don't Wake the Baby.]

I'm gonna strangle Stephen for teaching them about alliteration.

[Except his face suddenly falls as he says that, and he pauses in the middle of unwrapping his burger. Suddenly, he's not quite as hungry as he was.]

[madeupnames]

[These mice are so weird. But it's a cool weird, at least.

Peter's expression softens a little, though, at the obvious reaction Sam's getting from his own words.]

It's... kinda weird not having him around here, huh?

[He didn't know Strange very well — still doesn't, actually, though he's had a few run-ins with both iterations from time to time. It's... weird, to think about him without considering how they're destined to meet back home. He sits down, thoughtful.]

I, um. I meet him later. Not the one here, but our... version?

[He chuckles awkwardly, rubbing his hands together.]

... I guess I end up on a spaceship with him and Mr. Stark.

[Which is easier to talk about, after unloading his emotions, which — is still something he feels guilty about, even if any of the people he spoke to about home would slap him upside the head for considering it that way. It's not easy, but it's at least not something he'll break into tears over... mostly.]

[wingedman]

More like...not weird, technically speaking.

[Get it? Because Stephen's Strange? Thank you, I'll be here all night.

Anyway, Peter mentioning what happens back home is enough to drag Sam out of the self-pity he's about to start wallowing in, and he frowns slightly.]

Kid, who's been telling you about what happens back home?

[madeupnames]

[Peter hesitates, because he hadn't really thought this far ahead.]

... Mr. Stark. And the Guardians. Mainly.

[He shrugs, trying to play it casual.]

It was bound to come up sooner or later, right?

[wingedman]

[Sam just pinches the bridge of his nose. Of course it's Tony. Goddamnit, Stark.

(On the other hand, it's Tony's choice, so he can't yell at him for it. He guesses.)]

How much did he tell you?

[madeupnames]

... Pretty much everything. I mean, I'm caught up.

[He clears his throat, rubbing his arm and keeping his attention on the nibbling mice.]

It's my fault — I'm the one who went to him. And the being dead thing, it's —

He didn't tell me that on purpose. I just... uh. It was just bad coincidences.

[He figures Tony told him about that. Mr. Stark and Mr. Wilson seem close enough that he likely knew everything way before him; it also reminds him, in a sad light, that he isn't sure whether Sam's okay back home or not. He's never asked. He's always been too worried to ask.]

[wingedman]

[There's not really any good way to keep it from him, to be fair. Hell, Sam's not sure how they've managed to keep everything that happened at home from Steve for this long. So he sighs and goes to the cabinet and fetches a bottle of bourbon.]

Join the club, then.

[And he pours a couple glasses. What? Peter's dead back home, he's allowed to have a drink.]

1/2

[madeupnames]

[... Yeah, that was a concern. His expression softens into something sad and worried.]

I'm — I'm really sorry, Sam.

[Like, he's had plenty of time to be upset about his own mortality. But his friends? People he cares about? That's a miserable thing to know, that their days are also numbered—]

[madeupnames]

[He chokes on his own breath, looking with wide-eyed concern at the glass.]

I'm not — I'm 16, s-so... I, I'm not legal to drink.

[Hello, are we being serious? That's hard when you're sitting beside a boyscout.]

[wingedman]

First of all, the drinking age is fourteen, and even if it was sixteen, the cops wouldn't bust in here and arrest you.

[Well, Peggy might bust in - okay, she'd knock first - but she'd just frown disapprovingly, probably. And she'd be pacified with a drink anyway.]

Second, for all I know, you have some kinda freaky-ass spider-metabolism and you can't get drunk, like Steve. And third, our universe is all kinds of fucked up, so if there's one thing that's justified, it's having a tiny little drink.

[madeupnames]

[He stares at it for a terribly long moment, biting his lip.

You'd think it was a drug PSA where Sam is trying to peddle him cocaine or something.

But eventually, he reaches out and takes the glass, looking at it at just about every angle.]

I... suppose that'd be okay. And — maybe justified. I guess. I mean, I've fought a dude on an airplane before, and I totally kicked your butt once. That's adult enough.

[wingedman]

Wow, okay, did you have to bring that up again?

[Rude. Though not as rude as the fact that he's totally got his phone ready under the table to take a picture. For posterity, of course.]

But fine, kicking my ass makes you adult enough to drink.

1/2

[madeupnames]

Um, yeah, of course I do? I gotta have my victories where I can, Mr. Wilson.

[So innocently, before he takes a way too brave glug of the liquor in his glass-]