Eddie Thawne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
causational) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2018-04-15 03:55 pm
causational) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-04-15 03:55 pm
Entry tags:
[semi-open] hurry up now, i need a miracle
who: eddie thawne & semi-open
what: Eddie gets caught in a shoot-out and goes to the hospital
when: April 15 and afterward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: gun violence, blood, serious injury
✪ the incident
what: Eddie gets caught in a shoot-out and goes to the hospital
when: April 15 and afterward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: gun violence, blood, serious injury
✪ the incident
[It started like any other day, kissing Cisco good-bye while he sleeps in, heading off to work in his patrol car while eating a piece of toast, packed lunch beside him, dressed in his usual neatly-pressed three-piece suit. Nothing particularly notable is supposed to be happening, mostly, he intends to do paperwork and research on an ongoing case, to interview a few suspects. And that's what he does.
Until it hits just after noon and he eats lunch while checking his phone, sends off a quick series of texts to Cisco, smiling at the camera while he chews his sandwich. That's when the call comes over the radio, about a car chase downtown, that two officers are down and they need backup. Glancing around, Eddie notices that the station is close to empty and the call isn't too far away, so he buckles up his gun belt and heads out. The chase is short before the car careens into the side of a skyscraper, there's smoke and flame everywhere, and Eddie drives his car up to join the line of cars being used as cover while one of the perpetrators shoots bolts of electricity at the line of police officers, and another uses an old-fashioned gun.
Everything is a blur of adrenaline and fear and focus, Eddie draws his gun, he uses his powers to shield over and over to protect his fellow officers, and when a couple of the officers at the front get hit with a burst of electricity, tumbling to the ground, Eddie bolts out without thinking. It seems to happen in slow motion - the second bolt of electricity flies at him while he fights exhaustion to get his shield back up, the electricity hits the shield, and his concentration flickers. The bolt hits him hard, his body tries to absorb it, he jerks and twitches, falls to the ground, overloaded, burning hot, nose bloody.
It takes a moment to start moving again, he becomes aware that one of the officers is still down while the other staggers back to the line of cars. Pushing himself up onto his knees, he coughs out a mouthful of blood, and starts to stand.
And then the bullet hits him in the side.
For a moment, everything goes still and silent. Eddie has been shot before, in the chest, he's felt the bullet penetrate his body, felt the damage it did, struggled to cling to life. But that was a choice he made, he was prepared, and this is different. It enters from the side, hits him like a hammer, knocking him over on his side. Curled up on the pavement, he struggles to breathe while the side of his shirt and suit jacket get hot and wet and the rest of him gets cold, so cold...
The last thing he sees before everything goes dark is a blurry view of the line of police officers behind him, shouting his name, shouting something he can't hear...]
OOC: Drop a starter or message me for a starter if you'd like your character to be involved in this in any way. Any of Eddie's CR (close or not) is welcome to drop a hospital visit thread in here or ask me for one!
no subject
It's okay, babe.
[ He isn't alone, now. That's what matters. Cisco manages a small smile, when Eddie nuzzles at him. He ought to warn him against doing it, but he'll let it slide, for now. It feels too good, being close to him, even if it's only this tiny bit. ]
I- I should call the nurse. I don't know if you're allowed to have water or if they need to take out the tube.
[ Cisco reaches up, presses the button on Eddie's bed that will summon someone to help them. His stomach sinks a little when Eddie asks, in that quiet, frightened voice how bad it was. The nurse would be able to explain better: details, what Eddie could expect by way of treatment and recovery time. But Cisco doesn't think Eddie's asking for hard medical facts. He wants to know how close the brush with death was. And Cisco knows, as hard as the answer might be, he needs to be honest with Eddie right now. ]
Bad.
[ Cisco clears his throat, softly, thinking about what details the doctor had told him. It's easy enough, to recite them back again. Eddie, and Eddie's body, and the damage that had been done to it, is all he's been thinking about all afternoon, which has seemed to stretch on for years. ]
You got shot twice in the chest. Um. Broken ribs, and the doctor said... the ribs pierced your lung on one side so they had to go in and kind of... rebuild it some. So, one of your lungs collapsed and the other one was on its way to collapsing. Plus you got electrocuted, so...
[ All of that catalogue of hurt doesn't really capture it, though. Doesn't explain the horrible, suffocating fear that has been enveloping Cisco ever since his phone rang. ]
You were in surgery for hours and hours. It was... it was close. They didn't say it, but I could see it. In their faces. The way... they were talking to me, any time I asked.
no subject
It's a relief to hear Cisco forgive him, say it's okay, instead of just telling him there's no need to apologize or it wasn't his fault. He knows that Cisco is probably thinking it, probably thinks he's ridiculous for apologizing, but...]
Thank you.
[The gratitude is genuine. Not for the forgiveness, per se, but for not arguing with him, for letting him have the apology, for going along with it. Sighing, Eddie closes his eyes and nuzzles against the side of Cisco's head again. When Cisco calls for the nurse, Eddie frowns a bit, because he doesn't want his time with Cisco interrupted...but something tells him he's going to be stuck here for a while, in this bed, and that Cisco won't be leaving him alone.
So he listens quietly while Cisco explains what had happened to him, how bad it had been, how close he'd been to death. It takes his breath away for a few moments, remembers vividly how it had felt to die before, and he shivers again, closes his eyes, ignores the pull of the tube in his throat to press his face against the side of Cisco's head.
He doesn't know what to say, but his eyes suddenly sting and he squeezes them tightly closed against the sudden rush of tears, borne of his own fear and the images in his head of Cisco sitting alone in that room, getting visits from grim doctors and nurses trying not to tell him his boyfriend was in danger of dying.]
I love you. I'm sorry.
no subject
It's okay, baby. Shhhhh. It's okay. Don't be scared. I'm here. You're gonna be okay. Nothing's gonna happen. I got you.
[ He hears the tears in Eddie's voice, stuck in his throat, when he speaks, and it breaks his heart. He reaches up, carefully running his fingertips across Eddie's cheek, brushing away a tear as it slips its way down the side of Eddie's face. A moment later, the nurse comes in, but Cisco doesn't shift a millimeter. The look that he gives her just dares her to tell him to move. ]
He says he's thirsty, and the tube hurts. Does it need to stay in now that he's awake?
[ The nurse tells them that she can remove the tube, and give Eddie a little bit water to drink - not too much, or it might make him nauseous. Cisco is forced to move a little, then, to give her room, but he gives Eddie a brief kiss on the temple before he does, and keeps holding his hand. The nurse navigates around them, adjusting the angle of Eddie's bed and helping him to drink a little water through a straw. Getting the tube out is a little harder. Cisco can tell it's painful, from the way Eddie squeezes his hand a bit tighter. His grip, even then, is still so weak.
Right at that moment, as Eddie's choking a little, right as the nurse removes the tube, Cisco feels a surge of grim satisfaction, knowing that the people who'd done this are dead. And so, when the nurse issues a reminder that Eddie needs to stay still and rest, and then bustles off, Cisco thinks to say: ]
They're both dead. The guys from the shootout. Officer Mathis didn't make it, but everybody else is alright.
no subject
It's probably why the tears are so hard to hold back, and Cisco does exactly what Eddie had expected him to when he let his fear show, lets himself feel the overwhelming sense of dread at the close call he'd had - he gently touches Eddie's face and wipes away his tears. He speaks to him gently, he promises him that he's gonna be okay, that he's got him.]
Just...don't go anywhere, please? For now? I know you need...work and all but...just for now?
[When the nurse comes in, Eddie lets Cisco talk to her, just watching and blinking blearily, trying to follow the conversation, unable to really hear what the nurse is saying. What he does know is that Cisco managed to get him water when he was thirsty, and he's intensely grateful. It feels like the best thing he's ever had, cold and wet against the dry, sticky inside of his mouth, and he swallows as much as she'll let him. It sits cold in his stomach and he does feel a bit nauseous, but he still wishes she wouldn't have taken it away when she did.
And when she leans over, and Cisco has to move, Eddie's brows furrow a little - Cisco's hand is still in his, and he holds onto it as the nurse says that she's going to take the tube out, and then does so. It hurts, more than he'd expected, the tug deep in his already aching chest, the way it drags over his gag reflex and chokes him, makes his ribcage convulse a little, sending spikes of white-hot pain through him. When he squeezes Cisco's hand, Cisco squeezes back, and the contact feels good, he focuses on it so he can ignore the gagging and pain until the tube is gone, and afterward he's too uncomfortable to notice when the nurse leaves.
He feels a moment of intense guilt for not saying thank you to her, and at first he doesn't hear what Cisco says.]
Cisco...can you tell her thank you? I forgot to...
[And then it hits him. Officer Mathis didn't make it, the guys who attacked him are dead, and his eyes well up with tears, hot and wet, again. It's a little stupid, for that to happen, but he's feeling overwhelmed.]
What...what happened? They got shot too?
no subject
[ It hurts so much, seeing Eddie like this - confused, helpless, in pain. He's saying something about saying thank you to the nurse, but there's so much urgency in it, which Cisco doesn't understand. Perhaps it's the pain medicine, perhaps it's the whole situation catching up to Eddie. But whatever the source, it's clear that he's distressed. Cisco's worried about him hurting himself, if he cries. But then, he can hardly blame him. He would cry, too, if their places were reversed. Had cried his heart out, just moments before.
Cisco keeps holding Eddie's hand, but uses his other to smooth Eddie's hair back from his face, off his forehead, fingertips brushing through the fine strands in a soothing motion. ]
I'm sorry, Eddie. I don't know the details. I've been here at the hospital since right after they brought you in. Once you were done in surgery, I tried reading the news to figure out what happened, but they're not telling people much. I called the station a couple times but it's pretty chaotic over there.
[ Cisco plucks a tissue from the little stand by the bed, gently wipes the tear tracks from Eddie's face, leaning over the bd to rest their foreheads together, careful not to touch Eddie's body or jostle him. ]
I'll call again later when you're sleeping. Get the whole scoop. Don't worry about it right now, okay? Don't worry about any of it. You're safe now.
no subject
Experimentally, Eddie licks his lips, swallows hard, trying to wet his throat with the moisture still left over in his mouth and trying just as hard to stop the flow of tears. It seems to go on and on, the spill of hot, wet tears down his cheeks, and he's quiet while he rides it out, with Cisco stroking his hair, massaging his scalp while he does it, and Eddie's eyes sink shut until Cisco starts speaking again.
He's not really surprised that Cisco doesn't know the details, and he finds that when Cisco promises to call again to get them for him, he doesn't mind not knowing, all that much. He'd rather retreat, hide in this room with his boyfriend, the man he loves, and let himself heal, let himself figure out how to deal with the emotional fallout before he has to face it.]
It's okay. Maybe...maybe I should just find out when I'm out. I know...I know South was there, I remember her face, but...
[He drifts off, eyes flicking up to Cisco's face as the other man wipes at the tracks of wet on his face.]
I love you. More than anything.
no subject
[ He keeps brushing those tears away, pausing only to tug at the blanket over Eddie, fuss and adjust it so it's covering him completely, snug and keeping him warm while he recovers. In truth, he's happy to leave that task to someone else. Better for her to do it if she saw things first hand. And good for Eddie to know that there are other people who are worried, who might want to see him. ]
I love you more than anything, too.
[ This time, he plants a small kiss on the spot between Eddie's eyebrows, where a little furrow appears any time Eddie is confused or annoyed or thinking hard. A tiny trace of his regular cheer creeps into Cisco's voice as he murmurs: ]
I love you way too much to lose you to some stupid motherfuckers who think they're in an action movie, so you better believe that once you're better, I'ma put you through a training montage the likes of which your brain can't even fathom. Mmkay?
[ Cisco pushes the hair off Eddie's forehead, eyes and nose still red from crying, but he manages a very very small smile. ]
But for now, maybe you should rest. The doctors said it's important. You're still recovering from the anesthesia and everything.
You got a lotta drugs in your system right now. You want... you want me to read you somethin'?
no subject
[Eddie's voice is quiet, as he looks up at Cisco, his eyes wet and red-rimmed. For a moment, he's completely blown away by how beautiful Cisco looks, even exhausted and in shock and with the aftermath of his tears on his face. Cisco's eyes are dark and liquid, his lashes are heavy with dampness, and his lips are soft when he leans in, kisses Eddie's forehead, a thick curtain of dark, wavy hair falling around him. The scent of it fills Eddie with a comfort he couldn't put into words, a simple reassurance that Cisco is here, beside him, saying that he loves him in that soft, warm, trustworthy voice.
When Cisco says he's going to put him through a training montage, and his voice takes on that hint of humour for the first time since Eddie had awakened earlier, Eddie laughs, his voice cracking a little, and he exhales softly. Content. Looking up at Cisco with an expression that is a mix of almost plaintive love, vulnerability, and trust. Licking his lips, he swallows dryly again, and offers a slight smile.]
You better be playing Eye of the Tiger during that montage.
[And then Cisco is saying that he should rest, that he's recovering and there's so many drugs in his system, and when Cisco suggests that he read him something, Eddie is thrilled with the idea. Squeezing at Cisco's hand, weakly, he nods a bit.]
Yeah. Whatever you want, babe.
[And Cisco does. They get settled and Cisco's voice is warm and rich as he reads something - Eddie isn't particularly paying attention to the words, and he should feel bad, but he also knows that Cisco isn't particularly expecting him to follow. That Cisco wants him to go to sleep. And he does, slowly, occasionally fluttering his eyes open to make sure Cisco is still there before he drifts off again.
It feels like a few moments, when Eddie wakes up again, feeling hazy and still exhausted, clearer in the head but with a lot more pain points jarring his nerves up and down his body. Softly, he groans, becomes aware of the almost cracked dryness of his throat while his eyes open, his lips part a little.]
Nnn...Cisco?
no subject
It takes a little while for his boyfriend to fall asleep; Cisco keeps an eye on him, listening to his breathing, watching the tension in his jaw and face. Once he's fairly sure Eddie's asleep, Cisco keeps reading for a few minutes after, just to be extra certain. When he finally tucks the book away, he spends a little time just looking at his boyfriend's pale face, the array of monitors showing his body working away, hanging on, just starting to consider the long slow process of healing.
And he leaves his hand in Eddie's, even as he readjusts the chair, leans over to rest his cheek on the edge of Eddie's pillow, and drifts off, himself. It's still early in the day, and he hasn't eaten in who knows how long, but he doesn't care about any of that. All the panic and uncertainty had worn him out.
It's a light sleep, however, and Eddie's groan jolts Cisco awake immediately. His back and neck are killing him from the awkward angle he'd fallen asleep at, and it takes him just a few heart-pounding seconds to remember where he is, what's happened. Eddie's here, like normal, but the room is unfamiliar, the light from the monitors startles him. It all comes rushing back, and Cisco exhales shakily. He pushes his hair from his face, cheek showing soft indents from creases in the pillowcase. ]
I'm here.
[ The small window shows only a cloudy night sky. Cisco checks his phone, sees that it is around 2 in the morning. A nurse must have come in at some point and shut off the lights; there's only a dim light coming from a fixture high on the wall. In the dark, Cisco feels around for Eddie's hand, finds it and tucks it between his own, carefully. ]
You're in the hospital.
[ In case Eddie, like him, had a moment of disorientation. ]
no subject
Cisco looks disoriented, a little startled, his eyes dark and hazy, his cheek marked with lines from the pillow, and he's telling Eddie that he's here. Eddie makes a little noise in his throat, and smiles at him, before it even really registers where he is or what's going on or why everything hurts from his throat all the way down his left side, inside him, why it's a little hard to breathe and his ribcage feels all raw inside. None of that really matters, right away, because Cisco is here with him, holding his hand and looking pretty and disheveled and that means things are okay.]
Hey baby...
[It's slightly cracked and hoarse, his throat is raw and dry, but he's still smiling, and when Cisco says that he's in the hospital, he makes a remarking noise in his throat.]
Right...hospital. [For a moment, he's quiet, then he speaks again, eyes tracking up to Cisco's face.] Did you sleep here? Are you okay?
[Then, another pause, before...]
Did I sleep for a long time? Can we go home now?
no subject
[ The response is automatic, offhand; Cisco's not feeling wonderful right now, but that doesn't matter in the least. What matters is Eddie. All that remembered stress and fear starts trickling back into Cisco, and he looks at Eddie's face carefully, seeing the signs of pain despite the small smile. ]
It's the middle of the night. Are you in pain? I can call the nurse.
[ Cisco, worried, reaches over to touch Eddie's chest, remembers when his hand is halfway there all the strict instructions not to. So he flinches, pulls his hand back quickly, internally chiding himself for nearly messing up. He chews at his bottom lip, wondering if there are any doctors around. There had to be, right? It's a hospital, there are doctors at all hours. ]
They're not gonna let you go home for a couple days. You're not supposed to move, and they have to observe you, make sure the surgeries are healing okay.
[ It wouldn't be over, even then. Even once he's discharged, Eddie would need time to recover. But that's all in the future; he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. ]
It's okay though. I'm here. I'm gonna take care of you. Just tell me what you need.
no subject
I'm okay.
[It sounds pathetic, weak. Not really all that encouraging, for all that he's trying to ease Cisco's fear and take some of the pressure off. He feels another little surge of guilt and pain when Cisco reaches out to touch him and then recoils, pulling his hand back. For a moment, Eddie's throat feels tight and then there are tears in his eyes again and he tries to hold them back so Cisco doesn't feel bad about it.]
Seriously babe, I'm okay. You can touch me. I...I want you to touch me. I don't...
[His voice chokes off for a moment and the expression he makes at Cisco is nothing less than pleading, a little desperate, eminently vulnerable. More vulnerable than he would be with anyone but Cisco.]
I'm thirsty.
[Maybe, he thinks, if he tells Cisco something he needs so he can help, Eddie might be able to take some of that weight from him.]
no subject
So he just gives a little nod, not believing Eddie, but not wanting to contradict him either. Not when Eddie looks so scared and desperate, in the dim light. Cisco brings his hand over again and, exceptionally gently, as if he were trying to touch a soap bubble without popping it, he brushes his fingers across Eddie's chest. It's the faintest touch possible - not a hint of pressure behind it, just enough that he's touching Eddie, like he asked. ]
I'll go tell them you're awake, and get you some water. I watched how she did it last time. I can help you with it.
[ Cisco gets to his feet, bending down to kiss Eddie's forehead softly. He feels a strange reluctance to leave the room. As if the moment Eddie's not in his sight, he's going to vanish. He glances at the door, then back to Eddie. ]
Back in a minute.
[ With that, he leaves the room briskly. It takes a few minutes for him to come back - he might be feeling urgent, but the nurses are not, considering there's no great crisis. Cisco returns with that same water bottle, says as he shuts the door: ]
They've got you scheduled for some scans at 8. Once they've done that, the doctor's gonna look at the results and talk to us about how long you gotta stay, and meds, and stuff like that. And the nurse said if you start feeling nauseous or dizzy, you gotta call for her, okay?
[ Carefully, Cisco finds the control to tilt Eddie's bed, enough that he can drink without sitting up or putting any strain on his torso. He holds the bottle for Eddie to drink from, face tired but loving as he says, quietly: ]
I thought we agreed that next time it was my turn to get shot. I can't believe we're 4 and 0. It's a disgrace.
no subject
Instead, he just smiles at Cisco and nods a bit, regretting the movement a moment later.]
Okay baby.
[And then Cisco is heading away, moving at a brisk pace, and Eddie goes boneless in the bed, his eyes sink shut, he swallows a few times and tries to get himself reoriented, to chase the negativity out of his head. It's hard, because the moment he goes quiet and stops looking around himself, he becomes intensely aware of the pain in his body - tearing its way down his side, ripping at his lungs every time he breathes, crackling in his ribs. And then there's the emotional part, the fear, some kind of dread, the little flashes of memory of how it had felt to die, before he came here, how it had felt to fade away, the cold, the feeling of Iris' arms around him, of Joe's eyes on him.
Carefully, Eddie gathers all of that up and pushes it down, tries to let some of it go, and when Cisco comes back into the room, he manages a smile, his eyes warm and bright.]
Missed you.
[While Cisco explains the schedule, what the doctor's going to do, the scans and meds and all of it makes his head spin a little bit. But he's smart enough and awake enough to follow what Cisco's saying, making a mental note that if he feels sick or dizzy he should call a nurse. He stops thinking about that, though, when Cisco brings the bottle to his mouth, he sucks water into his mouth, groaning softly in his throat with pleasure as the wetness of it soothes the pain of his cracked lips and his dry, raw throat. After a few sips, though, it starts to turn his stomach and he pulls his head back, licking his lips to look up at Cisco. Cisco, whose eyes are fond and loving, who speaks to him quietly, making a slightly silly reference to a conversation they'd had before.]
Mmm, I never agreed to that. I think I agreed to taking all the shots from here on out.
no subject
[ Cisco is careful, making sure Eddie doesn't choke on the water. When he's done drinking, Cisco settles in again, taking Eddie's hand between his. Eddie looks a little better than he did before. Maybe it's the lighting, or maybe the rest, but there's a bit more color in his face. Cisco knows, though, that he can't be feeling better. The nurse had warned him, while he was getting that water, that the pain would be bad for a while. He can take drugs for the worst of it, but that would only do so much. ]
Damn, you're right. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to see the future. Quit stealing my shtick already...
[ He trails off, face falling a little from that deliberate attempt at lightness. A thought which had flitted through his mind a few dozen times while he was in that waiting room resurfaces again, settling in Cisco's mind horribly. So Cisco's expression slides from a faint smile to a look of fragility, his gaze dropping to Eddie's hand folded between his. He needs to say something. It's only right. Even if saying something will only draw attention to his own failure. ]
I'm sorry... I didn't see this coming. I should have.
[ His vision goes blurry, but it isn't like before, when he collapsed in a torrent of tears, too powerful to even try to hold back. This time, Cisco tries not to cry. He feels an awful pressure in his head as he swallows, voice tight with forced control: ]
What's the good of getting visions of the future if I can't even-
[ Cisco's voice cracks, and he stops, there. Eddie can figure out the rest, anyway. ]
no subject
No, baby. This isn't your fault, you're not...just because you can vibe, and because sometimes they're visions of the future doesn't mean that you're responsible for everything bad that ever happens, just because you didn't see it first.
[Eddie squeezes Cisco's hand again, and this time it's a little firmer, has a little more strength than before. It's easier, wrangling his own emotions under control, when he's focused on taking care of Cisco, when he's encouraging Cisco, soothing him. It's easier to push all that other stuff down and direct his energy outward instead of inward.]
You'd never think of blaming me for every criminal in the city who doesn't get caught? What if one of them hurt you tomorrow, would it be my fault? This isn't on you, baby. Not even a little bit.
no subject
Not everything, no. But- if I can't protect you, what's the point of any of it?
[ He'd had visions that had helped save Magnus, and Blue, and that little girl from Eddie's case. But this time, for the person who matters most to him in all of the multiverse, his powers had let him down. He ought to have known. Prevented it.
When Eddie tries to reason with him by flipping the equation, Cisco shakes his head, laughing in a way that sounds shaky and half like a sob. ]
Don't front. Of course I wouldn't, but if that happened, you would definitely blame yourself.
[ Cisco knows Eddie too well by now. They're both of them alike, in some ways. Stubborn. Protective. Hard on themselves. More concerned with the safety of others than their own.
Sighing, Cisco places his head against the pillow, face-down so his words come out muffled: ]
I just... I wish I could've protected you.
no subject
Right now, he wishes he could hold Cisco while he cries it out, lets go of all the pain he's holding inside himself, but he can't do anything to help. He can't hold Cisco, he can't comfort him, can't do anything. The sense of helplessness is crippling for a moment, and he just keeps squeezing Cisco's hand, eyes on his face.]
You saved a little girl's life, Cisco. That alone is enough of a point to it. Even if it's just one person, and I know you've saved more people than that.
[Gently, he twines his fingers between Cisco's, squeezing and rubbing his thumb against the knob of Cisco's wrist, his touch gentle, soothing.]
And maybe I would. But you would tell me not to, just like I'm doing right now. It's all there, all the reasons this isn't your fault, because they're the same reasons you'd give me if it was the other way around. Okay, baby?
[Eddie closes his eyes for a moment, exhales softly, tilting his head back and wincing at the dryness in his throat.]
I get that, but I don't think it could've gone any other way. Even if I'd known...I would've still gone in. I still would've tried to stop what was happening. It probably still would've happened.
no subject
When he says he would have still done the same again, Cisco can't help remembering all the times Eddie has said the same about killing himself to save everyone. That it was a choice he'd made for good reasons, and he'd do it a second time. And fear grips him, then, that this won't be the last time. One of these days, Eddie is going to throw himself in the path of danger, righteously and for good reasons, and he isn't going to make it out the other side. ]
I know you would. My fault for falling in love with a compulsive hero.
[ He feels a sudden awful certainty that he's already lost Eddie - had lost him even before he ever had him. It's just a matter of time, and he doesn't know how long he's going to get. Every second between now and then is precious. And, abruptly, Cisco doesn't care what the doctors had said. He can't bear sitting on this chair one second longer, scarcely touching Eddie. He gives the bed a long look - there would be space enough for him, if he stayed on his side, if he was careful. If he moved a little of the rolling equipment, he could do it without getting in the way of any monitors or the IV.
So, standing up, sniffling bad unshed tears still, Cisco begins making small adjustments, saying as he does: ]
I'm gonna get up on the bed next to you, okay? But- you gotta promise to try to stay still, and you're not supposed to turn on your side, 'cause your ribs. I just. I wanna hold you so bad.
[ They had a few hours, before the nurses would check in. Cisco couldn't risk sleeping there, for fear of injuring Eddie, but he could stay awake for a while, hold his boyfriend, carefully. He kicks off his shoes and, very gingerly, climbs up onto one side of the bed, lying on his side. He twines his legs with Eddie's, - no injuries, there, no damage he could do - and very gingerly drapes an arm across Eddie's chest, high, over his collarbones. The surgical site and the shots were lower down.
Cisco's voice is tiny as he asks: ]
Am I hurting you?
no subject
[It's genuine, because Eddie knows, he knows that he puts himself in danger sometimes when he shouldn't, when he could just as easily mind his own business. He knows that the danger he puts himself in terrifies and upsets Cisco, that when he's hurt, it hurts Cisco too. The truth is, he feels terrible about that, he feels terrible about the effect he has on Cisco when he throws himself into danger.
But it's also true that Eddie has told himself multiple times that after dying back home, he should take it easy, he should take a step back, live his life, stop trying to be the hero, stop putting himself in danger, he can't. Standing aside when terrible things are happening is just not something he can do.
He can't help being who he is, he can only hope that loving someone like him is worth it, for Cisco.
And as Cisco looks at him with that slightly crumpled expression on his face, his eyes wet and sniffling away tears, his expression vulnerable and pained, Eddie wonders if maybe it's not, for him. For a moment, he feels a strange compulsion to break up with Cisco, to put an end to this if it's only going to hurt him, to push him away for his own good, so he can find someone who takes care of themselves, who will be able to treat Cisco the way he deserves to be treated. But he can't do that either, he can't bring himself to, especially not when Cisco is rearranging things, suddenly, saying he wants to get on the bed with him.]
Okay. Good, I want...that's exactly what I want...
[As Cisco does the hard work of moving things around the bed, Eddie focuses on using his right hand to carefully slide himself closer to the left side of the bed. It's painstaking, he's doing his best not to hurt himself, and he feels the grinding spikes of pain as he moves, knows that Cisco will be cross with him for doing it, but he wants to do his part, to contribute, because he wants Cisco here with him, on the bed with him.
It's worth it, when Cisco climbs up onto the bed, lies next to him, twines their legs together and drapes an arm over his shoulders. It hurts, it jostles him slightly, but he manages not to let it show on his face and turns his head, pressing his mouth into Cisco's hair, close to his forehead.]
No baby, you're not hurting me. This is perfect. Thank you.
[There's a pause, while he revels in the contact from this young man curled up beside him, who he loves, who loves him, who he feels guilty for hurting, before he speaks again, his voice quiet.]
I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasn't more careful.
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[ He wants the words to come out light, easy, but instead they are throaty with tears. He means them, though. As hard as it is, loving someone like Eddie who is so reckless with his own safety, Cisco wouldn't change him. He loves Eddie as he is, and that bravery, that selflessness, is fundamental to him. It's in his DNA.
So Cisco tries not to focus on all the things that might have gone wrong, and how likely it seems that he will lose Eddie before they've had a full life together. Instead, he focuses on Eddie's body, next to his, hurt and fragile but also warm and breathing and solid. Eddie feels real, present. Cisco lets out a long, slow sigh, the relief in it audible. ]
Thank you for holding on for me.
[ He remembers what Eddie said earlier, about how near he'd been to dying while they were rushing him here, how he'd thought about Cisco and fought. Cisco pushes the thought away quickly; if he lingers on how close of a call it really was, he's only going to make himself miserable again. Maybe in a few days, a few weeks, when the fear is further away, he'll be able to think about that. But for now, he just nuzzles his face against Eddie's, eyes slipping shut. He can almost pretend, then, they are back at home, in their little attic room, curled up together after some awful nightmare one of them had. ]
I love you.
[ It occurs to Cisco that those words aren't enough, that Eddie might have died without realizing just how much he means to Cisco. So he needs to make sure Eddie knows. That he understands. ]
Eddie... I don't think I've ever loved anybody as much as I love you. I didn't know... it was even possible, to love somebody so much.
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It's selfish, probably, to want to keep Cisco in his life even though it seems so inevitable that he'll hurt him, over and over again, when he does this sort of thing. How many times will Cisco cry by his hospital bed after Eddie's put himself in danger? How many times will Eddie put him through this? But it feels so good, for Cisco to nuzzle against him, to be touching his chest and feeling his heartbeat and whispering his thanks for holding on, murmuring that he loves him.]
I love you too.
[Eddie says it, his voice a little cracked, a little hoarse, and then he closes his eyes for a moment, swallowing hard. He's about to continue, when Cisco starts speaking again, telling him that he hasn't loved anyone as much as he loves Eddie, that he hadn't known it was possible to love somebody so much. Eddie's eyes slide open and he looks over at Cisco, blue eyes locked on his face, more alert than they've been since he woke up after surgery.]
I feel the same way. [His voice is soft and still rough and dry as he speaks, a little thick with emotion.] Is...is it worth it, though? How you feel? Is it worth...going through all this? Worrying and stuff, about my job, and me?
[Shifting a little, wincing, he leans in just enough to press his lips against Cisco's forehead.]
Do I give you enough to compensate? Honestly?
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Of course it's worth it.
[ He closes his eyes when Eddie kisses his forehead, but he still hears and feels that wince, and he says, interrupting their serious conversation with a warning that is sharp but tempered with affectionate humor. ]
I heard that, and I'ma let you have just that one, as a freebie. But if you move again, I'm gonna make you sorry. I will talk to you about organic chemistry in excruciating detail for hours, and you have nowhere to go. Do not test me. You have no idea how much I will bore you.
[ That done with, Cisco sighs, the humor slipping away as Eddie's words turn over again and again in his head. Is it worth going through all this? He feels a blossoming of hurt in his chest, small but terrible, growing ever larger. How can Eddie be questioning their relationship, challenging it, right now? After all that has happened today?
But then Cisco stops himself, because really, this isn't that out of the ordinary for Eddie. He knows, how easily Eddie slips into thinking of himself as a burden. How unbearably vulnerable he feels, showing any kind of weakness or ugliness. Of course, that insecurity wasn't going to go away, just because of a bullet, or even two. So Cisco says: ]
It's not like that, babe. There's not a column for the sad stuff and a column for the good stuff, with me tallying it all up every night to see whether you're adding up to the quota.
[ He brushes his fingers across Eddie's cheek, his jaw, pushes a stray strand of hair back from his forehead. ]
I just- I love you. It's not quantifiable.
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Cisco's soft laugh and the way he says that - 'of course it's worth it' - like there's no other answer that he could give, is reassuring. It's what Eddie had wanted to hear to take the edge off his fear. And when Cisco starts lecturing him, his voice soft and gentle and serious but with an edge of humour, Eddie feels some more of that tension, that fear, bleed out of him. Turning his head again, he kisses at whatever part of Cisco he can reach, his eyes sinking shut.]
I just love you so much that kissing you is worth the pain. And the punishment.
[His voice is soft and genuine, and for a few moments they're quiet, together, their bodies twined as much as they can be, their heads close together, breathing the same air, being alive in the same bed, warm and present. Eddie's starting to feel tired again, now that the fear is fading, comfortable and content as he rests next to Cisco.
And then Cisco speaks again, his voice soft and quiet as he addresses it in more detail, finally. Eddie listens, while Cisco explains that there's no column for sad stuff and good stuff, that he doesn't tally things up and keep track. There's no quota, it's unquantifiable, Cisco just loves him.
It doesn't make sense.
Eddie's speaking before he really has a chance to think about what he's going to say, which is unusual for him. His voice is soft and rough and earnest as he speaks, his eyes flicking open as he turns just a little to look at his boyfriend.]
I'm not used to that. There's always...you know, my whole life, there's always been stuff I had to do, boxes I had to check, in order to be lovable. My parents, my classmates, even Iris, a little...there was always something. And I just...I love you so much, I'm really scared that I take more from you than I give, or that...that I'm hurting you more than making you happy. I just want you to be happy, Cisco.
[Eddie doesn't realize until he's done speaking that his eyes are welling up with tears and his voice has taken on a plaintive sound.]
I just keep thinking about you having to sit in the waiting room while I had surgery and how much it hurt you.
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[ But Cisco's voice drops, after that, a gentle worried murmur as his eyes slip closed: ]
...Please try to stay still, baby. You could rip your sutures, or worse, and then the doctors are definitely gonna make me leave, and I wanna stay with you.
[ Cisco waits while Eddie is silent, because it's clear from the heaviness of that silence that he's thinking, trying to decide exactly what he's going to say. For a few moments, Cisco's worried it's going to be some noble break-up attempt - for Cisco's own good, of course - and he's bracing himself to refuse to accept it, to argue even. But then Eddie is getting choked up, saying how he'd always been expected to measure up, by all the people who should have been content to take him as he was.
He touches Eddie's face softly, swiping away the moisture at the corner of Eddie's eye with the pad of his thumb; Cisco's face is soft, with sympathy and love. ]
Not anymore. No more boxes. I'm a box-free guy.
[ His own voice is getting a little throaty, too; it's too hard not to well up with emotion. Cisco can be like that, sometimes - a sponge of the environment around him. Particularly when it comes to Eddie. ]
Don't stress about it so much. If- if things were reversed, and I'd gotten hit by a bus or something, and I was worrying about hurting you, you wouldn't let me get away with it. So I'm not gonna let you.
[ Cisco moves forward just enough to plant a tiny kiss to the tip of Eddie's nose, playful, coaxing, and full of love. ]
You were strong for me, and I was strong for you. Okay?
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