Eddie Thawne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
causational) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2018-04-15 03:55 pm
causational) wrote in riverviewlogs2018-04-15 03:55 pm
Entry tags:
[semi-open] hurry up now, i need a miracle
who: eddie thawne & semi-open
what: Eddie gets caught in a shoot-out and goes to the hospital
when: April 15 and afterward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: gun violence, blood, serious injury
✪ the incident
what: Eddie gets caught in a shoot-out and goes to the hospital
when: April 15 and afterward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: gun violence, blood, serious injury
✪ the incident
[It started like any other day, kissing Cisco good-bye while he sleeps in, heading off to work in his patrol car while eating a piece of toast, packed lunch beside him, dressed in his usual neatly-pressed three-piece suit. Nothing particularly notable is supposed to be happening, mostly, he intends to do paperwork and research on an ongoing case, to interview a few suspects. And that's what he does.
Until it hits just after noon and he eats lunch while checking his phone, sends off a quick series of texts to Cisco, smiling at the camera while he chews his sandwich. That's when the call comes over the radio, about a car chase downtown, that two officers are down and they need backup. Glancing around, Eddie notices that the station is close to empty and the call isn't too far away, so he buckles up his gun belt and heads out. The chase is short before the car careens into the side of a skyscraper, there's smoke and flame everywhere, and Eddie drives his car up to join the line of cars being used as cover while one of the perpetrators shoots bolts of electricity at the line of police officers, and another uses an old-fashioned gun.
Everything is a blur of adrenaline and fear and focus, Eddie draws his gun, he uses his powers to shield over and over to protect his fellow officers, and when a couple of the officers at the front get hit with a burst of electricity, tumbling to the ground, Eddie bolts out without thinking. It seems to happen in slow motion - the second bolt of electricity flies at him while he fights exhaustion to get his shield back up, the electricity hits the shield, and his concentration flickers. The bolt hits him hard, his body tries to absorb it, he jerks and twitches, falls to the ground, overloaded, burning hot, nose bloody.
It takes a moment to start moving again, he becomes aware that one of the officers is still down while the other staggers back to the line of cars. Pushing himself up onto his knees, he coughs out a mouthful of blood, and starts to stand.
And then the bullet hits him in the side.
For a moment, everything goes still and silent. Eddie has been shot before, in the chest, he's felt the bullet penetrate his body, felt the damage it did, struggled to cling to life. But that was a choice he made, he was prepared, and this is different. It enters from the side, hits him like a hammer, knocking him over on his side. Curled up on the pavement, he struggles to breathe while the side of his shirt and suit jacket get hot and wet and the rest of him gets cold, so cold...
The last thing he sees before everything goes dark is a blurry view of the line of police officers behind him, shouting his name, shouting something he can't hear...]
OOC: Drop a starter or message me for a starter if you'd like your character to be involved in this in any way. Any of Eddie's CR (close or not) is welcome to drop a hospital visit thread in here or ask me for one!
no subject
Experimentally, Eddie licks his lips, swallows hard, trying to wet his throat with the moisture still left over in his mouth and trying just as hard to stop the flow of tears. It seems to go on and on, the spill of hot, wet tears down his cheeks, and he's quiet while he rides it out, with Cisco stroking his hair, massaging his scalp while he does it, and Eddie's eyes sink shut until Cisco starts speaking again.
He's not really surprised that Cisco doesn't know the details, and he finds that when Cisco promises to call again to get them for him, he doesn't mind not knowing, all that much. He'd rather retreat, hide in this room with his boyfriend, the man he loves, and let himself heal, let himself figure out how to deal with the emotional fallout before he has to face it.]
It's okay. Maybe...maybe I should just find out when I'm out. I know...I know South was there, I remember her face, but...
[He drifts off, eyes flicking up to Cisco's face as the other man wipes at the tracks of wet on his face.]
I love you. More than anything.
no subject
[ He keeps brushing those tears away, pausing only to tug at the blanket over Eddie, fuss and adjust it so it's covering him completely, snug and keeping him warm while he recovers. In truth, he's happy to leave that task to someone else. Better for her to do it if she saw things first hand. And good for Eddie to know that there are other people who are worried, who might want to see him. ]
I love you more than anything, too.
[ This time, he plants a small kiss on the spot between Eddie's eyebrows, where a little furrow appears any time Eddie is confused or annoyed or thinking hard. A tiny trace of his regular cheer creeps into Cisco's voice as he murmurs: ]
I love you way too much to lose you to some stupid motherfuckers who think they're in an action movie, so you better believe that once you're better, I'ma put you through a training montage the likes of which your brain can't even fathom. Mmkay?
[ Cisco pushes the hair off Eddie's forehead, eyes and nose still red from crying, but he manages a very very small smile. ]
But for now, maybe you should rest. The doctors said it's important. You're still recovering from the anesthesia and everything.
You got a lotta drugs in your system right now. You want... you want me to read you somethin'?
no subject
[Eddie's voice is quiet, as he looks up at Cisco, his eyes wet and red-rimmed. For a moment, he's completely blown away by how beautiful Cisco looks, even exhausted and in shock and with the aftermath of his tears on his face. Cisco's eyes are dark and liquid, his lashes are heavy with dampness, and his lips are soft when he leans in, kisses Eddie's forehead, a thick curtain of dark, wavy hair falling around him. The scent of it fills Eddie with a comfort he couldn't put into words, a simple reassurance that Cisco is here, beside him, saying that he loves him in that soft, warm, trustworthy voice.
When Cisco says he's going to put him through a training montage, and his voice takes on that hint of humour for the first time since Eddie had awakened earlier, Eddie laughs, his voice cracking a little, and he exhales softly. Content. Looking up at Cisco with an expression that is a mix of almost plaintive love, vulnerability, and trust. Licking his lips, he swallows dryly again, and offers a slight smile.]
You better be playing Eye of the Tiger during that montage.
[And then Cisco is saying that he should rest, that he's recovering and there's so many drugs in his system, and when Cisco suggests that he read him something, Eddie is thrilled with the idea. Squeezing at Cisco's hand, weakly, he nods a bit.]
Yeah. Whatever you want, babe.
[And Cisco does. They get settled and Cisco's voice is warm and rich as he reads something - Eddie isn't particularly paying attention to the words, and he should feel bad, but he also knows that Cisco isn't particularly expecting him to follow. That Cisco wants him to go to sleep. And he does, slowly, occasionally fluttering his eyes open to make sure Cisco is still there before he drifts off again.
It feels like a few moments, when Eddie wakes up again, feeling hazy and still exhausted, clearer in the head but with a lot more pain points jarring his nerves up and down his body. Softly, he groans, becomes aware of the almost cracked dryness of his throat while his eyes open, his lips part a little.]
Nnn...Cisco?
no subject
It takes a little while for his boyfriend to fall asleep; Cisco keeps an eye on him, listening to his breathing, watching the tension in his jaw and face. Once he's fairly sure Eddie's asleep, Cisco keeps reading for a few minutes after, just to be extra certain. When he finally tucks the book away, he spends a little time just looking at his boyfriend's pale face, the array of monitors showing his body working away, hanging on, just starting to consider the long slow process of healing.
And he leaves his hand in Eddie's, even as he readjusts the chair, leans over to rest his cheek on the edge of Eddie's pillow, and drifts off, himself. It's still early in the day, and he hasn't eaten in who knows how long, but he doesn't care about any of that. All the panic and uncertainty had worn him out.
It's a light sleep, however, and Eddie's groan jolts Cisco awake immediately. His back and neck are killing him from the awkward angle he'd fallen asleep at, and it takes him just a few heart-pounding seconds to remember where he is, what's happened. Eddie's here, like normal, but the room is unfamiliar, the light from the monitors startles him. It all comes rushing back, and Cisco exhales shakily. He pushes his hair from his face, cheek showing soft indents from creases in the pillowcase. ]
I'm here.
[ The small window shows only a cloudy night sky. Cisco checks his phone, sees that it is around 2 in the morning. A nurse must have come in at some point and shut off the lights; there's only a dim light coming from a fixture high on the wall. In the dark, Cisco feels around for Eddie's hand, finds it and tucks it between his own, carefully. ]
You're in the hospital.
[ In case Eddie, like him, had a moment of disorientation. ]
no subject
Cisco looks disoriented, a little startled, his eyes dark and hazy, his cheek marked with lines from the pillow, and he's telling Eddie that he's here. Eddie makes a little noise in his throat, and smiles at him, before it even really registers where he is or what's going on or why everything hurts from his throat all the way down his left side, inside him, why it's a little hard to breathe and his ribcage feels all raw inside. None of that really matters, right away, because Cisco is here with him, holding his hand and looking pretty and disheveled and that means things are okay.]
Hey baby...
[It's slightly cracked and hoarse, his throat is raw and dry, but he's still smiling, and when Cisco says that he's in the hospital, he makes a remarking noise in his throat.]
Right...hospital. [For a moment, he's quiet, then he speaks again, eyes tracking up to Cisco's face.] Did you sleep here? Are you okay?
[Then, another pause, before...]
Did I sleep for a long time? Can we go home now?
no subject
[ The response is automatic, offhand; Cisco's not feeling wonderful right now, but that doesn't matter in the least. What matters is Eddie. All that remembered stress and fear starts trickling back into Cisco, and he looks at Eddie's face carefully, seeing the signs of pain despite the small smile. ]
It's the middle of the night. Are you in pain? I can call the nurse.
[ Cisco, worried, reaches over to touch Eddie's chest, remembers when his hand is halfway there all the strict instructions not to. So he flinches, pulls his hand back quickly, internally chiding himself for nearly messing up. He chews at his bottom lip, wondering if there are any doctors around. There had to be, right? It's a hospital, there are doctors at all hours. ]
They're not gonna let you go home for a couple days. You're not supposed to move, and they have to observe you, make sure the surgeries are healing okay.
[ It wouldn't be over, even then. Even once he's discharged, Eddie would need time to recover. But that's all in the future; he'll cross that bridge when he comes to it. ]
It's okay though. I'm here. I'm gonna take care of you. Just tell me what you need.
no subject
I'm okay.
[It sounds pathetic, weak. Not really all that encouraging, for all that he's trying to ease Cisco's fear and take some of the pressure off. He feels another little surge of guilt and pain when Cisco reaches out to touch him and then recoils, pulling his hand back. For a moment, Eddie's throat feels tight and then there are tears in his eyes again and he tries to hold them back so Cisco doesn't feel bad about it.]
Seriously babe, I'm okay. You can touch me. I...I want you to touch me. I don't...
[His voice chokes off for a moment and the expression he makes at Cisco is nothing less than pleading, a little desperate, eminently vulnerable. More vulnerable than he would be with anyone but Cisco.]
I'm thirsty.
[Maybe, he thinks, if he tells Cisco something he needs so he can help, Eddie might be able to take some of that weight from him.]
no subject
So he just gives a little nod, not believing Eddie, but not wanting to contradict him either. Not when Eddie looks so scared and desperate, in the dim light. Cisco brings his hand over again and, exceptionally gently, as if he were trying to touch a soap bubble without popping it, he brushes his fingers across Eddie's chest. It's the faintest touch possible - not a hint of pressure behind it, just enough that he's touching Eddie, like he asked. ]
I'll go tell them you're awake, and get you some water. I watched how she did it last time. I can help you with it.
[ Cisco gets to his feet, bending down to kiss Eddie's forehead softly. He feels a strange reluctance to leave the room. As if the moment Eddie's not in his sight, he's going to vanish. He glances at the door, then back to Eddie. ]
Back in a minute.
[ With that, he leaves the room briskly. It takes a few minutes for him to come back - he might be feeling urgent, but the nurses are not, considering there's no great crisis. Cisco returns with that same water bottle, says as he shuts the door: ]
They've got you scheduled for some scans at 8. Once they've done that, the doctor's gonna look at the results and talk to us about how long you gotta stay, and meds, and stuff like that. And the nurse said if you start feeling nauseous or dizzy, you gotta call for her, okay?
[ Carefully, Cisco finds the control to tilt Eddie's bed, enough that he can drink without sitting up or putting any strain on his torso. He holds the bottle for Eddie to drink from, face tired but loving as he says, quietly: ]
I thought we agreed that next time it was my turn to get shot. I can't believe we're 4 and 0. It's a disgrace.
no subject
Instead, he just smiles at Cisco and nods a bit, regretting the movement a moment later.]
Okay baby.
[And then Cisco is heading away, moving at a brisk pace, and Eddie goes boneless in the bed, his eyes sink shut, he swallows a few times and tries to get himself reoriented, to chase the negativity out of his head. It's hard, because the moment he goes quiet and stops looking around himself, he becomes intensely aware of the pain in his body - tearing its way down his side, ripping at his lungs every time he breathes, crackling in his ribs. And then there's the emotional part, the fear, some kind of dread, the little flashes of memory of how it had felt to die, before he came here, how it had felt to fade away, the cold, the feeling of Iris' arms around him, of Joe's eyes on him.
Carefully, Eddie gathers all of that up and pushes it down, tries to let some of it go, and when Cisco comes back into the room, he manages a smile, his eyes warm and bright.]
Missed you.
[While Cisco explains the schedule, what the doctor's going to do, the scans and meds and all of it makes his head spin a little bit. But he's smart enough and awake enough to follow what Cisco's saying, making a mental note that if he feels sick or dizzy he should call a nurse. He stops thinking about that, though, when Cisco brings the bottle to his mouth, he sucks water into his mouth, groaning softly in his throat with pleasure as the wetness of it soothes the pain of his cracked lips and his dry, raw throat. After a few sips, though, it starts to turn his stomach and he pulls his head back, licking his lips to look up at Cisco. Cisco, whose eyes are fond and loving, who speaks to him quietly, making a slightly silly reference to a conversation they'd had before.]
Mmm, I never agreed to that. I think I agreed to taking all the shots from here on out.
no subject
[ Cisco is careful, making sure Eddie doesn't choke on the water. When he's done drinking, Cisco settles in again, taking Eddie's hand between his. Eddie looks a little better than he did before. Maybe it's the lighting, or maybe the rest, but there's a bit more color in his face. Cisco knows, though, that he can't be feeling better. The nurse had warned him, while he was getting that water, that the pain would be bad for a while. He can take drugs for the worst of it, but that would only do so much. ]
Damn, you're right. I'm the one who's supposed to be able to see the future. Quit stealing my shtick already...
[ He trails off, face falling a little from that deliberate attempt at lightness. A thought which had flitted through his mind a few dozen times while he was in that waiting room resurfaces again, settling in Cisco's mind horribly. So Cisco's expression slides from a faint smile to a look of fragility, his gaze dropping to Eddie's hand folded between his. He needs to say something. It's only right. Even if saying something will only draw attention to his own failure. ]
I'm sorry... I didn't see this coming. I should have.
[ His vision goes blurry, but it isn't like before, when he collapsed in a torrent of tears, too powerful to even try to hold back. This time, Cisco tries not to cry. He feels an awful pressure in his head as he swallows, voice tight with forced control: ]
What's the good of getting visions of the future if I can't even-
[ Cisco's voice cracks, and he stops, there. Eddie can figure out the rest, anyway. ]
no subject
No, baby. This isn't your fault, you're not...just because you can vibe, and because sometimes they're visions of the future doesn't mean that you're responsible for everything bad that ever happens, just because you didn't see it first.
[Eddie squeezes Cisco's hand again, and this time it's a little firmer, has a little more strength than before. It's easier, wrangling his own emotions under control, when he's focused on taking care of Cisco, when he's encouraging Cisco, soothing him. It's easier to push all that other stuff down and direct his energy outward instead of inward.]
You'd never think of blaming me for every criminal in the city who doesn't get caught? What if one of them hurt you tomorrow, would it be my fault? This isn't on you, baby. Not even a little bit.
no subject
Not everything, no. But- if I can't protect you, what's the point of any of it?
[ He'd had visions that had helped save Magnus, and Blue, and that little girl from Eddie's case. But this time, for the person who matters most to him in all of the multiverse, his powers had let him down. He ought to have known. Prevented it.
When Eddie tries to reason with him by flipping the equation, Cisco shakes his head, laughing in a way that sounds shaky and half like a sob. ]
Don't front. Of course I wouldn't, but if that happened, you would definitely blame yourself.
[ Cisco knows Eddie too well by now. They're both of them alike, in some ways. Stubborn. Protective. Hard on themselves. More concerned with the safety of others than their own.
Sighing, Cisco places his head against the pillow, face-down so his words come out muffled: ]
I just... I wish I could've protected you.
no subject
Right now, he wishes he could hold Cisco while he cries it out, lets go of all the pain he's holding inside himself, but he can't do anything to help. He can't hold Cisco, he can't comfort him, can't do anything. The sense of helplessness is crippling for a moment, and he just keeps squeezing Cisco's hand, eyes on his face.]
You saved a little girl's life, Cisco. That alone is enough of a point to it. Even if it's just one person, and I know you've saved more people than that.
[Gently, he twines his fingers between Cisco's, squeezing and rubbing his thumb against the knob of Cisco's wrist, his touch gentle, soothing.]
And maybe I would. But you would tell me not to, just like I'm doing right now. It's all there, all the reasons this isn't your fault, because they're the same reasons you'd give me if it was the other way around. Okay, baby?
[Eddie closes his eyes for a moment, exhales softly, tilting his head back and wincing at the dryness in his throat.]
I get that, but I don't think it could've gone any other way. Even if I'd known...I would've still gone in. I still would've tried to stop what was happening. It probably still would've happened.
no subject
When he says he would have still done the same again, Cisco can't help remembering all the times Eddie has said the same about killing himself to save everyone. That it was a choice he'd made for good reasons, and he'd do it a second time. And fear grips him, then, that this won't be the last time. One of these days, Eddie is going to throw himself in the path of danger, righteously and for good reasons, and he isn't going to make it out the other side. ]
I know you would. My fault for falling in love with a compulsive hero.
[ He feels a sudden awful certainty that he's already lost Eddie - had lost him even before he ever had him. It's just a matter of time, and he doesn't know how long he's going to get. Every second between now and then is precious. And, abruptly, Cisco doesn't care what the doctors had said. He can't bear sitting on this chair one second longer, scarcely touching Eddie. He gives the bed a long look - there would be space enough for him, if he stayed on his side, if he was careful. If he moved a little of the rolling equipment, he could do it without getting in the way of any monitors or the IV.
So, standing up, sniffling bad unshed tears still, Cisco begins making small adjustments, saying as he does: ]
I'm gonna get up on the bed next to you, okay? But- you gotta promise to try to stay still, and you're not supposed to turn on your side, 'cause your ribs. I just. I wanna hold you so bad.
[ They had a few hours, before the nurses would check in. Cisco couldn't risk sleeping there, for fear of injuring Eddie, but he could stay awake for a while, hold his boyfriend, carefully. He kicks off his shoes and, very gingerly, climbs up onto one side of the bed, lying on his side. He twines his legs with Eddie's, - no injuries, there, no damage he could do - and very gingerly drapes an arm across Eddie's chest, high, over his collarbones. The surgical site and the shots were lower down.
Cisco's voice is tiny as he asks: ]
Am I hurting you?
no subject
[It's genuine, because Eddie knows, he knows that he puts himself in danger sometimes when he shouldn't, when he could just as easily mind his own business. He knows that the danger he puts himself in terrifies and upsets Cisco, that when he's hurt, it hurts Cisco too. The truth is, he feels terrible about that, he feels terrible about the effect he has on Cisco when he throws himself into danger.
But it's also true that Eddie has told himself multiple times that after dying back home, he should take it easy, he should take a step back, live his life, stop trying to be the hero, stop putting himself in danger, he can't. Standing aside when terrible things are happening is just not something he can do.
He can't help being who he is, he can only hope that loving someone like him is worth it, for Cisco.
And as Cisco looks at him with that slightly crumpled expression on his face, his eyes wet and sniffling away tears, his expression vulnerable and pained, Eddie wonders if maybe it's not, for him. For a moment, he feels a strange compulsion to break up with Cisco, to put an end to this if it's only going to hurt him, to push him away for his own good, so he can find someone who takes care of themselves, who will be able to treat Cisco the way he deserves to be treated. But he can't do that either, he can't bring himself to, especially not when Cisco is rearranging things, suddenly, saying he wants to get on the bed with him.]
Okay. Good, I want...that's exactly what I want...
[As Cisco does the hard work of moving things around the bed, Eddie focuses on using his right hand to carefully slide himself closer to the left side of the bed. It's painstaking, he's doing his best not to hurt himself, and he feels the grinding spikes of pain as he moves, knows that Cisco will be cross with him for doing it, but he wants to do his part, to contribute, because he wants Cisco here with him, on the bed with him.
It's worth it, when Cisco climbs up onto the bed, lies next to him, twines their legs together and drapes an arm over his shoulders. It hurts, it jostles him slightly, but he manages not to let it show on his face and turns his head, pressing his mouth into Cisco's hair, close to his forehead.]
No baby, you're not hurting me. This is perfect. Thank you.
[There's a pause, while he revels in the contact from this young man curled up beside him, who he loves, who loves him, who he feels guilty for hurting, before he speaks again, his voice quiet.]
I'm sorry for putting you through this. I'm sorry I wasn't more careful.
no subject
[ He wants the words to come out light, easy, but instead they are throaty with tears. He means them, though. As hard as it is, loving someone like Eddie who is so reckless with his own safety, Cisco wouldn't change him. He loves Eddie as he is, and that bravery, that selflessness, is fundamental to him. It's in his DNA.
So Cisco tries not to focus on all the things that might have gone wrong, and how likely it seems that he will lose Eddie before they've had a full life together. Instead, he focuses on Eddie's body, next to his, hurt and fragile but also warm and breathing and solid. Eddie feels real, present. Cisco lets out a long, slow sigh, the relief in it audible. ]
Thank you for holding on for me.
[ He remembers what Eddie said earlier, about how near he'd been to dying while they were rushing him here, how he'd thought about Cisco and fought. Cisco pushes the thought away quickly; if he lingers on how close of a call it really was, he's only going to make himself miserable again. Maybe in a few days, a few weeks, when the fear is further away, he'll be able to think about that. But for now, he just nuzzles his face against Eddie's, eyes slipping shut. He can almost pretend, then, they are back at home, in their little attic room, curled up together after some awful nightmare one of them had. ]
I love you.
[ It occurs to Cisco that those words aren't enough, that Eddie might have died without realizing just how much he means to Cisco. So he needs to make sure Eddie knows. That he understands. ]
Eddie... I don't think I've ever loved anybody as much as I love you. I didn't know... it was even possible, to love somebody so much.
no subject
It's selfish, probably, to want to keep Cisco in his life even though it seems so inevitable that he'll hurt him, over and over again, when he does this sort of thing. How many times will Cisco cry by his hospital bed after Eddie's put himself in danger? How many times will Eddie put him through this? But it feels so good, for Cisco to nuzzle against him, to be touching his chest and feeling his heartbeat and whispering his thanks for holding on, murmuring that he loves him.]
I love you too.
[Eddie says it, his voice a little cracked, a little hoarse, and then he closes his eyes for a moment, swallowing hard. He's about to continue, when Cisco starts speaking again, telling him that he hasn't loved anyone as much as he loves Eddie, that he hadn't known it was possible to love somebody so much. Eddie's eyes slide open and he looks over at Cisco, blue eyes locked on his face, more alert than they've been since he woke up after surgery.]
I feel the same way. [His voice is soft and still rough and dry as he speaks, a little thick with emotion.] Is...is it worth it, though? How you feel? Is it worth...going through all this? Worrying and stuff, about my job, and me?
[Shifting a little, wincing, he leans in just enough to press his lips against Cisco's forehead.]
Do I give you enough to compensate? Honestly?
no subject
Of course it's worth it.
[ He closes his eyes when Eddie kisses his forehead, but he still hears and feels that wince, and he says, interrupting their serious conversation with a warning that is sharp but tempered with affectionate humor. ]
I heard that, and I'ma let you have just that one, as a freebie. But if you move again, I'm gonna make you sorry. I will talk to you about organic chemistry in excruciating detail for hours, and you have nowhere to go. Do not test me. You have no idea how much I will bore you.
[ That done with, Cisco sighs, the humor slipping away as Eddie's words turn over again and again in his head. Is it worth going through all this? He feels a blossoming of hurt in his chest, small but terrible, growing ever larger. How can Eddie be questioning their relationship, challenging it, right now? After all that has happened today?
But then Cisco stops himself, because really, this isn't that out of the ordinary for Eddie. He knows, how easily Eddie slips into thinking of himself as a burden. How unbearably vulnerable he feels, showing any kind of weakness or ugliness. Of course, that insecurity wasn't going to go away, just because of a bullet, or even two. So Cisco says: ]
It's not like that, babe. There's not a column for the sad stuff and a column for the good stuff, with me tallying it all up every night to see whether you're adding up to the quota.
[ He brushes his fingers across Eddie's cheek, his jaw, pushes a stray strand of hair back from his forehead. ]
I just- I love you. It's not quantifiable.
no subject
Cisco's soft laugh and the way he says that - 'of course it's worth it' - like there's no other answer that he could give, is reassuring. It's what Eddie had wanted to hear to take the edge off his fear. And when Cisco starts lecturing him, his voice soft and gentle and serious but with an edge of humour, Eddie feels some more of that tension, that fear, bleed out of him. Turning his head again, he kisses at whatever part of Cisco he can reach, his eyes sinking shut.]
I just love you so much that kissing you is worth the pain. And the punishment.
[His voice is soft and genuine, and for a few moments they're quiet, together, their bodies twined as much as they can be, their heads close together, breathing the same air, being alive in the same bed, warm and present. Eddie's starting to feel tired again, now that the fear is fading, comfortable and content as he rests next to Cisco.
And then Cisco speaks again, his voice soft and quiet as he addresses it in more detail, finally. Eddie listens, while Cisco explains that there's no column for sad stuff and good stuff, that he doesn't tally things up and keep track. There's no quota, it's unquantifiable, Cisco just loves him.
It doesn't make sense.
Eddie's speaking before he really has a chance to think about what he's going to say, which is unusual for him. His voice is soft and rough and earnest as he speaks, his eyes flicking open as he turns just a little to look at his boyfriend.]
I'm not used to that. There's always...you know, my whole life, there's always been stuff I had to do, boxes I had to check, in order to be lovable. My parents, my classmates, even Iris, a little...there was always something. And I just...I love you so much, I'm really scared that I take more from you than I give, or that...that I'm hurting you more than making you happy. I just want you to be happy, Cisco.
[Eddie doesn't realize until he's done speaking that his eyes are welling up with tears and his voice has taken on a plaintive sound.]
I just keep thinking about you having to sit in the waiting room while I had surgery and how much it hurt you.
no subject
[ But Cisco's voice drops, after that, a gentle worried murmur as his eyes slip closed: ]
...Please try to stay still, baby. You could rip your sutures, or worse, and then the doctors are definitely gonna make me leave, and I wanna stay with you.
[ Cisco waits while Eddie is silent, because it's clear from the heaviness of that silence that he's thinking, trying to decide exactly what he's going to say. For a few moments, Cisco's worried it's going to be some noble break-up attempt - for Cisco's own good, of course - and he's bracing himself to refuse to accept it, to argue even. But then Eddie is getting choked up, saying how he'd always been expected to measure up, by all the people who should have been content to take him as he was.
He touches Eddie's face softly, swiping away the moisture at the corner of Eddie's eye with the pad of his thumb; Cisco's face is soft, with sympathy and love. ]
Not anymore. No more boxes. I'm a box-free guy.
[ His own voice is getting a little throaty, too; it's too hard not to well up with emotion. Cisco can be like that, sometimes - a sponge of the environment around him. Particularly when it comes to Eddie. ]
Don't stress about it so much. If- if things were reversed, and I'd gotten hit by a bus or something, and I was worrying about hurting you, you wouldn't let me get away with it. So I'm not gonna let you.
[ Cisco moves forward just enough to plant a tiny kiss to the tip of Eddie's nose, playful, coaxing, and full of love. ]
You were strong for me, and I was strong for you. Okay?
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[But when Cisco's voice goes quiet and a little pleading, Eddie stops joking about it, relaxing his body and resting his cheek against Cisco's hair.]
I won't let them make you leave. You're definitely contributing to my healing process, no question.
[Then Cisco starts speaking again, shifting so he can wipe at Eddie's tears, looking at him with warm dark eyes that shine with love and affection and empathy. This, Eddie thinks, is why he loves Cisco so much. The way he looks at Eddie and cares about him and what's going on inside him, the way he's willing to accept Eddie for what he is and not what he should, or could be.
It would probably be noble of Eddie, to break up with Cisco so he doesn't hurt him worse, doesn't make his life harder and sadder and more stressful. But he doesn't want to, all he wants is this, lying beside his boyfriend, looking up at him while Cisco touches his face and speaks with emotion and tells him it's okay to just be who he is, that he'll be loved for being just who he is. Right now. It's selfish, but Cisco makes Eddie feel safe being a bit selfish, like that, not having to sacrifice something he wants and needs so much.
Cisco makes him feel safe letting someone else be the strong one for a while. It's something that's never come easy to Eddie, he's always felt like he should be the strong one, the hero, that he should take his licks and not show how much he's hurting afterward so no one has to worry about him. That superpowers or not, he should be a superhero, enough that now, with powers, he's still trying to do more than he can. But right now, with Cisco lying next to him and telling him it's okay that he was worried, that he wants to reciprocate the things that Eddie's done for him, he feels such an intense wave of comfort and safety. For a moment, he chokes up again, looking up at Cisco.]
God baby, I love you so much. Thank you...for being strong for me. It's never been okay for me to be the weak one before. I feel stupid even...but you make it okay.
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His plan to lay next to Eddie and stay awake until morning doesn't quite go as hoped. The two of them keep talking for a while after that, in quieter and quieter murmurs, until both of them fall asleep once more. And they are asleep like that on the bed - Cisco curled up in the small amount of space at Eddie's side - when the nurse comes in, in the morning, to check on Eddie and give him his medicine. But she doesn't try to make Cisco leave.
The next five days are difficult. The doctors insist on keeping Eddie in the hospital that long, so that they can be sure everything is healing the way it should be. Cisco appreciates their caution, but he can see that it begins to wear on Eddie. There are a lot of scans, a lot of check-ins, a lot of medication. Cisco stays as close to Eddie as he can, ducking out only for a few minutes at a time for a quick shower. He's grateful for all the food that people brought him, because even going down to the hospital's cafeteria would mean being gone too long.
He tries to keep Eddie as entertained as he can, to distract him from his environment. It helps when he gets other visitors, but Cisco can still see his restlessness growing. So it is a relief, when the morning comes for Eddie to be discharged. It feels strange, after all the paperwork and the pharmacy and the endless cautions from doctors, to be out in the open air again. They take a taxi home; Eddie can walk, but he is weak, needs to spend the next week resting as much as possible at home. When they arrive at the apartment, Cisco hurries over to walk beside Eddie, steady him and hold the door for him, help him inside.
As soon as they are over the threshold, there is a pattering of small feet, and Shadow comes bolting down the stairs from their room, meowing loudly and indignantly as he runs over and begins rubbing his face aggressively against Eddie's shins. Cisco can hear him purring from all the way up here. ]
I think somebody missed you.
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It's even more of a relief when they get home, the door opens, and he can smell home. Almost immediately, it sets him at ease, he lets out a soft groan of happiness at just being here, with Cisco, and...]
Shadow!
[The cat comes running up to him, rubbing his face all over Eddie's pants and purring, meowing, making all sorts of greeting noises. And it hurts, but Eddie crouches down, slowly, painfully, so he can gently stroke his fingertips over Shadow's head, scritching behind his ears.]
Hi baby, I missed you too. Oh, what a good cat...
[His voice is pitched soft, and he's breathing a little rough and heavy from the position, but he doesn't care, because Shadow is looking up at him with big green eyes and purring and Eddie couldn't be happier.]
I wanna pick him up but I don't think I can. Cisco, babe, can you help? Please?
[It's getting easier, after five days in the hospital, with Cisco the one person he knows and trusts to be on his side, to take care of him, to still like him even when he's weak, to ask for help so bluntly.]
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[ Cisco drops his bags onto the couch - all his clothes and things from the hospital, the bag of medications, the folder full of various copies of paperwork. He can tidy it later, when Eddie is resting. For now, what's important is getting him settled. Cisco knows he's not supposed to exert himself too much, and that the journey back from the hospital is a lot more effort than he's exerted since his injury.
So he swoops down and scoops up Shadow, balancing the cat over his shoulder as he says: ]
I'll bring him up with us, let's get you settled.
[ He is also having an easier time being a little bossy, telling Eddie where he should go, what he should do. Which is why Cisco sets his free hand against Eddie's lower back, directing him towards the stairs leading up to their room. He can tell that Taako and Magnus and Lup had done a good job, watering the plants and looking after this place. All the mail is in a pile on the kitchen table, and Cisco can see food and water in Shadow's bowls.
Cisco insists that Eddie go up the stairs first, and makes sure he's taking them slowly. It's only one flight, but the last thing they want is for Eddie to re-injure himself being careless so they end up back at the hospital. ]
He's purring so much.
[ After their slow climb, Eddie opens the door, and Cisco can't help a sigh of relief, looking at their room. Home. He hadn't realized how much he missed it. Cisco goes around Eddie, dropping Shadow onto the bed so he can come around and help Eddie climb in. ]
How're you feeling?
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Ugh, right back into bed. I can't wait until I can go to the gym again...
[It's good-natured complaining, though, and he keeps moving alongside Cisco, walking carefully, his hand on the railing. The truth is, he's already feeling tired out, and the prospect of lying down in his own bed, the one he shares with Cisco, that smells like him and Cisco, at home and napping or watching a movie is really nice. As they head up the stairs, Cisco comments that Shadow is purring a lot, and Eddie grins, glancing back over his shoulder for a moment at his boyfriend and their cat.]
If I could purr, I would be too.
[Eddie lets Cisco go ahead of him, walking into the room and dropping the cat onto the bed, then coming back to give Eddie a hand getting into it, himself. Carefully, Eddie sits down and then smiles up at Cisco.]
Tired, but really happy to be home. I can't wait to curl up in my own bed with you and Shadow and watch a movie or something.
[A bit of a pause, and Eddie shifts on the bed, starts tugging at his shirt.]
Would you mind helping me with this? I really want to...change into something clean that's not...covered in hospital, you know?
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