after the rain, comes the rainbow [open]

[killthepast]

who: Kylo Ren and OPENNN
what: Catch-all, featuring some open prompts from the TDM.
when: The month of April.
where: Here and there
warnings: Nothing yet

i. disaster relief
[ If it weren't for the lingering complications from his gunshot wound to the shoulder, Kylo Ren would be going on river expeditions and fighting giant reptiles and amphibians.

He would be, except Dr. Whale already lectured him and refused to budge the last time he'd demanded medical clearance. Apparently, pushing through pain in an attempt to force his body into recovery had only been making things worse for his arm and shoulder, in the long run.

So he has to take it relatively easy and stick to the prescribed physical therapy exercises until the doctor says otherwise. And that means staying behind as the city floods and tales of giant creatures lurking in the waters spread.

He's never been one to find contentment in sitting around and doing nothing. (Even if the action he tends to take is... you know, the wrong action, at least he's usually doing something.) So, in an attempt to curb feelings of restless agitation, Kylo... actually volunteers for the citywide relief effort. His arm may need time to heal, but he's still strong enough to assist in evacuation efforts, or in the setting up of temporary shelters, or doing any odd task where he can rely on the Force and worry less about hindering his arm's recovery.

Just don't expect him to cook or serve food. He's not feeling that helpful. ]

ii. routines
[ And since he's still stuck on the dreaded Desk Duty at work, Ren's mood-- as he goes about his daily routine-- is even more sour and gloomy than usual. Which is pretty impressive, considering his usual state is miserable enough.

So here's that catch-all prompt for seeing the scowling, overgrown emo kid at the gym (where he's still going to work out and spar as best he can, or go through his physical therapy exercises, if nothing else), or sulking around a coffee shop (don't judge his latte order) with his nose stuck in a journal as he jots notes down. Or at a library. He spends time at libraries, too. And just about anywhere, really. Outside, when it's not raining, because he's taken to communing with the Force out in the park. ]

iii. choose your own adventure
[ And if that last prompt wasn't broad enough, here's the wildcard choose your own adventure option. ]

Comments

Catch-All: A Touching Story [OPEN]

[killthepast]

[ OOC: From the April TDM! ]

[ When it happens, it's as if he's lost a piece of himself.

The Force is silent, and its absence cuts straight through to his very core. The world around him-- the galaxy-- becomes muted in an instant, not just in sound, but in every respect.

He'd thought of himself as no stranger to loneliness, but he never knew just how it could feel to be without the Force. True isolation, weighing so heavily on him that he doesn't know if he wants to cry or put his fist through the nearest wall.

A lost little boy with nothing and no one to lose.

When Sheppard had called him that, it stung, but he didn't fully believe it to be true. As long as he'd had the Force, he had something. But now, it's all he can think, that taunt replaying over and over until he could scream.

At first, he tries to go about his business, to hide his distress. But when that becomes too unbearable, he seeks out secluded places, close to nature, to try to meditate and reach out to the Force. And then, when he realizes others are suffering from the same loss-- not of the Force, but of other senses, seemingly at random-- he at least finds some small comfort that it isn't just him who's being... punished. It's bigger than him.

A small comfort, yes, but not enough to ease his mind. He can't live like this. There must be a solution... And, as he tries to find it, he'll be agitated, even more emotional than usual, and just... generally a wreck.

HOT MESS COMING THROUGH. ]

[fhux]

[ It happens and he panics. He screams. Nothing and nothing and nothing (except a painful throat that was healing). Prior to losing his hearing it was a normal day but, as per usual, nothing makes sense on this awful moon and he has to take the rational approach after mildly freaking out, yet again. The network has a few mentions of sensory deprivation but no cure, nothing he can find at first glance. Engrossed in the broadcasts that he tries to lipread whenever text isn't employed, he doesn't hear a thunderous approach or tense up as a result.

Hux continues to pet the kittens napping on his desk, only startling when they do as the workshop door bangs open. Still, he hears nothing. ]

[killthepast]

[ Oddly, it doesn't even occur to him-- not until he's here, anyway-- that Hux may be going through the same thing he is. In the moment, Ren only seeks him out because...

Because he wants to spend time with the kittens. There's something soothing about them, and he imagines that perhaps he won't feel so alone and cut off from the world if he could just be near them for a little bit. Like when he was a boy, really. When the other children began to fear him, even when he was at his uncle's temple, training to become something he didn't want to be... Animals, with their gentle, calming presence, and their utter lack of judgment. If they feared him, it was only because he was human and they were wild and skittish. They'd fear him the way they would anyone, not in the way his peers feared him.

It's stupid, he knows. And he's sure he'll have to argue with Hux and deal with all of that tension, too, which he's hardly in the mood for. It's almost a relief when the general doesn't seem to notice him when he enters-- or perhaps he did. Ren wouldn't know without any obvious tells, his perception dulled as it is without the Force. ]

Hux. Hux.

[ Well, now he's growing annoyed. At least the kittens are acknowledging him, which seems to get Hux's attention more than Ren's words did. ]

Don't ignore me!

[ Unless he isn't being ignored. ]

[fhux]

[ Following Annie's sniffing at the end of the table, he stiffens instinctively to see a dark figure there, barely relaxing once it registers who it is. ]

Ren? What are you doing here? [ He speaks a few notes louder than usual, unsure of his volume. ] What do you want?

[killthepast]

[ He furrows his brow, noting the oddness in the way Hux speaks. ]

I wanted-- [ He clenches his fists at his sides, unsure how to answer without sounding like a sentimental idiot.

Oh hells, who cares. Hux seems to have bigger concerns right now, anyway. He won't care. ] To see how they were faring. [ A nod to the kittens. ]

What's wrong with you?

[ Blunt. SO CARING. ]

[fhux]

[ Squinting, he becomes far more aware of how Ren's words must slur together with his accent than he usually would; Ren is usually loud enough to be heard no matter what drivel he says, and yet Hux can't tell what the kriff those mumbling fat lips are saying. ]

You want the cats? [ That has him standing up and stepping around the table, in front of the kittens on his workspace. Ren isn't taking them!! ] I can't hear a word you're saying, you need to annunciate.

[killthepast]

[ This paranoid, imbecilic... Can Ren squeeze his fists any tighter? It's a good thing he's wearing gloves, or the frustration might just make him cut into his own palms.

But no. This is fine. He can keep his temper down. Ren draws in a seething breath and speaks: SLOWLY, LOUDLY, ENUNCIATING. (He doesn't have to raise his voice, of course. It's not like Hux can hear him. But it seems to be human nature to do it anyway.) ]

I. JUST. WANTED. TO. SEE. THEM.

[fhux]

[ Ren's ire isn't hard to spot, it has Hux swallowing nervously. His nose wrinkles as he cocks his head. ]

It looks like you're saying you want to eat them, which ... can't be true.

[ Ren's a real piece of work but he doesn't devour kittens, he has that single virtue going for him. Shaking his head, Hux takes the datapad off the desk and hands it over. ]

You need to write down what you want, I still can't decipher the shapes your mouth is making.

[killthepast]

[ If it weren't for the fact that a sudden and inexplicable loss of senses has been going around, Ren would be certain Hux is messing with him right now.

Of course he doesn't want to eat the kittens!!

With a scowl, he accepts the datapad and angrily taps his message out before holding it up to Hux: ]

I WANTED TO SEE THEM.

[ Then, frown lingering on his face, he types out a second message: ]

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN LIKE THIS?

[ Turn off the caps lock, Ren, geez. ]

[fhux]

[ ... Why is he not surprised Ren writes in capslock. ]

Since I woke up this morning.

[ And he's perfectly fine, thank you. ]

Why do you want to play with the kittens? [ "See" them, sure. People always sit around and just stare at cats, that's so accurate. ] Don't you have anywhere else to be?

[killthepast]

[ This morning. Similar enough timing to Ren's, it seems, though he became aware of his own predicament in the middle of the night, when it woke him from his sleep. Which, if Ren seems even less put-together than usual, that would be why. Not that it's easy to tell sometimes.

Hux's questions have him bristling anew, because really! It shouldn't be this complicated-- it wouldn't be this complicated with anyone other than General kriffing Hux. ]

BECAUSE I LIKE THEM
OBVIOUSLY
WHY ELSE WOULD I WANT TO?

[ As if his words weren't unconvincing enough, Ren's too-expressive face surely gives away the fact that there's something deeply troubling him. All he's banking on right now is for Hux to be distracted enough with his own deafness to let it slide. ]

I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO BE.

[ Look, it's not like he works a typical 9-5. His time is his own when he's not traipsing around on a mission! ]

[shootsoff]

[When Roy's not doing stuff inside the city, helping maintain the perimeter around the swollen river and keeping an eye on the glowy tentacle monsters or whatever's going on under the surface, he's switching it up and checking around the edges of the city itself. Making his daily run around part of the edge of the city, checking to see if he notices anything that no one else has yet.

Today, he's doing it in his off time, dressed in a pair of jeans, some sneakers, a hoodie, bow and quiver strapped to his back and without his mask. Casual. And he's about halfway through his run when he spots a familiar black-clothed figure at the edge of the forest. For a few moments, he contemplates whether or not he should head over, because the guy looks like he's seeking some kind of privacy and Roy knows sometimes that's necessary.

Then again, he also knows sometimes it's not super healthy.

So he drops down beside Kylo, quiet, glancing over at him.]

Hey man.

[killthepast]

[ Nothing. There's nothing out there. Just silence, loneliness, and a sense of helplessness so overwhelming that he can't help the damned tears that sting his eyes. The only good thing about being so miserably alone, at least, is that there's nobody around to witness this. Still, he can't help but feel shame at his own weakness, crying like a child over the Force, when he hadn't allowed himself to weep so openly in so long.

Not even when he'd killed his father.

Now here he is, sitting in the grass, knees pulled up, hugged close with his arms, and his face lowered as he allows the tears to fall, even as he tries to choke back any sobs.

Pathetic. Childish. Weak weak weak weak

He looks up, startled, when he finds Roy joining him on the grass. Normally, he could sense another's arrival in time to compose himself. Without the Force, however...

Stars, but he must look like a fool. Ren frowns, brows drawing together. He hates himself. He tries to hate Roy, too, for seeing him like this, but he can't. Instead, he snorts, looking away. ]

One day, you might see me at my strongest, instead of at my weakest.

[shootsoff]

[Roy usually figures it'll take probably about 10 seconds to figure out if he's intruding into someone's solitude or if he's a welcome interruption. In this particular situation, it doesn't even take two or three. There's a particular feeling in the air around someone who's either in tears or close to them, and Roy's always been pretty good at picking up that kind of thing. He figures out what's going on with Kylo even before the other man lifts his head and looks at him, with his eyes all dark and wet and red-rimmed.

Kylo looks startled. It's not a look Roy's ever seen on him, and for a moment it catches him off-guard. Biting his lower lip, Roy offers a weak smile, half empathy and half sheepishness at catching him in one of these moments. But then Kylo's brows draw together in the middle and he snorts, looks away, and Roy realizes that it was probably a good thing that he caught him right now.

Leaning over a bit, he nudges his shoulder against Kylo's, a casual, friendly gesture.]

Man, I seriously think people's strongest is way overrated. I mean, I bet you'd be totally badass, but this is fine too.

[killthepast]

[ Ren stiffens a little at the casual nudge, muscles tensing for a moment before relaxing again. The first time they'd met, Roy saved him and the children he'd been looking after, when Ren was still too injured to fight the giant reptile. The second time, he'd seen Ren lose his temper after getting mocked and taunted on the network. And now, here he is, coming upon Ren crying like a sniveling child, and he's still reaching out with... empathy, instead of scorn.

Kylo supposes his dignity can't take anymore hits than it has already. Wiping at his eyes with his sleeve, he allows himself to look back over at Roy. He's quiet, eyes thoughtful as he mulls over the remark. And then, after a few moments, he speaks, his voice soft. ]

What kind of a person do you think I am?

[ Because he can't help but wonder if Roy's gotten entirely the wrong impression of him, sees him as somebody better and more worthwhile than he really is. ]

[shootsoff]

[Thing is, neither of those things seems particularly weak to Roy. Protecting some kids despite being benched for being injured? That's not weak. Getting angry when someone's needling you at your most sensitive spots? Not weak. Just a person, and Roy generally likes people, quite a bit. Certainly more often than he dislikes them.

It's not about dignity, as far as he's concerned. Dignity is even more overrated than being strong; dignity is almost as low on Roy's list of priorities as it's possible to be. Sure, it's great to be graceful and politic, but people are messy and complicated and flawed and wonderful, and that's why Roy likes them. Strong and dignified is admirable, messy and complicated is real, and Roy knows what he values.

He's a little surprised when Kylo asks him what kind of person he thinks he is. Honestly, he'd been expecting to get told to go away, or for Kylo to make some attempt at being strong and stoic and changing the subject. That's a really surprisingly vulnerable question for him to ask, so Roy puts some real thought into it, lifting one hand to rub at his own cheek thoughtfully, blunt nails scraping through the beginnings of stubble on his jaw.]

I dunno yet. We just met.

[Glancing over, Roy watches Kylo with thoughtful green eyes, head tilted.]

Far as impressions go, though, let's see...I'd say someone with a rough past, probably done a lot of bad things. Complicated too, like there's way more going on under there than you'd think.

[Roy shrugs a bit, looking forward into the woods again.]

And now you're starting to wonder if the person you've been is the person you want to be.

[Another shrug, and then, lightly.] Just my impression.

[killthepast]

[ It flies in the face of everything he trained to be-- everything he's tried to be these past years-- to accept anything less than strength. The weak, the vulnerable... they only have two choices on the Dark Side: become strong, or die. And Ren... he has strength. He knows he does. But he can never shake the things that hold him back from achieving his full potential.

Ben Solo, the boy who cried too much. Who felt too much. Who was at once soft-hearted and full of anger, constantly pulled between the Light and the Dark. And even if he's grown now, he still feels like that boy, like he's never progressed past that night his uncle nearly killed him.

Quiet, he watches Roy, the way his fingers reach to scratch at a stubbled cheek, the easy, relaxed body language, despite the momentary surprise. It's... interesting, in a way, to observe somebody without the Force filling in so many little blanks. In this moment, he's a puzzle to Kylo, and it's not entirely terrible.

Is this what it's like to be like all the rest?

He doesn't even expect it, the slightest hint of a smile that twitches at the corner of his mouth when Roy explains his impressions of him. To think, he didn't even need the Force to observe so much about Kylo. ]

You're good at this.

[shootsoff]

[When Kylo says he's good at this, Roy laughs, softly, shaking his head. He can't help it, he's a little tickled by it.]

Naahhh, I mean. The signs are all there if you're paying attention.

[Another little nudge against Kylo's shoulder, and he glances over at him, green eyes studying his face, searching for something. Kylo looks kinda cute like this, a little vulnerable, dark eyes still wet, but with the slightest smile around the corners of his mouth. It's always this kind of guy that gets him, isn't it? Just like Jason, dark and complicated and troubled. It just makes him want to dig under the surface and figure out what's going on underneath.

Another little laugh.]

Besides, I've got a lot of experience looking for those signs.

[A long pause, then, while Roy looks out at the forest, thoughtful.]

So, what's got you down?

[killthepast]

[ Most people don't pay attention; they see what he presents at the very surface, and that's enough to write him off. Normally, he dwells on that, allows it to fuel his anger and resentment. But in this moment, he wonders how many would see beyond his mask if he'd only given them the opportunity.

No. It's a foolish thought. He knows full-well what happens. They come to realize he is just as he appears. A beast, a monster, a vicious overgrown child. That's why his parents got rid of him, why his uncle wanted to kill him in his sleep, why Rey...

Roy will realize it soon enough. They always do. But perhaps, until then, he can enjoy some camaraderie. That hint of a smile blossoms, briefly, when the other man nudges his shoulder.

Ren makes a thoughtful sound. ] Because of your friend?

[ There's some peace in the silence, and Ren's gaze shifts from studying Roy's features-- his green eyes, the cut of his cheekbone, a jaw dusted with stubble-- to the trees. ]

I lost... [ He doesn't know just how to convey the sheer weight of losing his connection to the Force, not to somebody who's never had it. ] A piece of myself.

[shootsoff]

[The thing is, Roy's pretty used to people being shades of grey. Sure, there's bad ones and good ones, but his favourite people have always been somewhere in the darker shades of grey. Good people who'd been hurt so much they started to behave badly sometimes, just trying to survive. Bad people who'd come back from the brink, found reasons to help other people. Like Kori. Like Jason. Outsiders, people who didn't fit the mold.

Sure, he may not know a lot about Kylo yet, about the reasons he is the way he is, about the things that he's done or what's making him reconsider doing more of those things, but he's interested in knowing. Especially when Kylo smiles like that, despite his still red-rimmed eyes, and it's like the sun breaking from behind clouds.]

Yeah. Because of my friend, and a few other friends. And myself, a bit. People are complicated, everyone's got different reasons for being the way they are, but there's a certain look that comes with internal conflict. That's the look I know.

[A little smile, that fades when Kylo explains that he's lost a piece of himself.]

That sucks. You want to talk about it?

CW: Sex, violence, alcohol abuse, and poor life choices.

[deploy]

[Kylo isn't the only hot mess coming through.

John's been a hot mess for the better part of a month now, slowly self-destructing in his own special John Sheppard way. It's easier to live on the edge, because you're too busy trying not to fall for anything else to matter. Without a war to fight, or a city to defend, there isn't enough work for him to drown himself in. The stakes are never high enough to make him feel alive. Desperate times call for desperate measures. He's had to get creative, and find new sources of danger.

Tonight it's getting close to hammered, picking up a stranger in a bar, and fucking out back, near the dumpsters, where anyone might find them. He didn't know the guy's name, or where he's from. All that mattered was he was tall, strong, and hard enough around the edges that John knows he can be the kind of rough John's looking for.

And he was. Bloody and bruising. Hands around his neck from behind just long enough to get a rush of adrenaline, his heart to kicking to life for what feels like the first time in weeks. John not coming so much as nearly passing out, and getting off on that little taste of death. No words spoken as they both pull up their pants and walk away without a second glance.

John limps back inside, flipping up the collar of his shirt to hide the freshly blossoming hand-prints on his throat, even more rumple than he always is. The first thing he does is order another drink, throwing it back all at once, the alcohol burning his split lower lip.

He'll probably regret that one in the morning, but for now? He feels alright. Like he could do it again if the right opportunity presented itself. It's never enough. John still sees him when he closes his eyes.

So he orders another drink.]

[killthepast]

[ Everything is dulled enough without the Force. If Ren had any interest in a tactical approach, he'd steer clear from any and all intoxicants, given the disadvantage he's already at. But there's something new that comes with this Forceless despair: self destruction.

Normally, Ren opts for simple destruction, directing his anger and frustrations out on others. Now, however, he just pulls it inward, picking the worst sort of bars-- out of the way from where he figures any familiar faces would be-- to drown and poison himself in cheap alcohol. Because maybe if the entire world's spinning, and his thoughts are muddled, he won't feel the Force's absence quite so hard.

He's not drunk yet when the back door opens and in walks John Sheppard. Well, limps is more like. And if the state of his clothes didn't provide enough clues on their own, the big man who walks through the door a good thirty seconds after (as if staggering his re-entry would make it less noticeable) confirms Ren's suspicions.

The fact that Sheppard sits at the bar, right beside him, is telling. The man's drunk and in his own head-- much as Kylo would like to be right now. But, as he throws back another glass of some drink that goes down with a burn, he can't help the smirk on his lips. Or the laugh building in his throat, which he doesn't even try to mask.

Misery loves company. ]

[deploy]

What's so funny?

[John's eyes cut to the joker sitting next to him.

Even drunk off his ass, still dizzy and tingling all over from a harmless little something called breath-play, there's no mistaking Kylo Ren for anyone but himself. How many other six foot something goth's with scarred up faces are creeping around?

John knew he survived the incident, they've spoken (threatened each other) since, but he didn't expect to see him up and about so soon. If you could call slumping over a bar with something cheap and strong in his hand, as busted up looking as every sucker in this bar, 'up'.

He thinks about shooting him. Can't not. John's armed, he's always armed, and this close, at point-blank range? There's no way he'd miss. Or Kylo would survive.

Boom, head-shot. John can picture it. The way everything that made up the space between Kylo's ears would paint the men sitting behind him, his body slumping to the floor. Then they'd arrest him.

If John wanted to do it the smart way, he'd piss Kylo off first. He's seen how the man loses his temper. Get him swinging, take a few hits, then blow his brains out in self-defense. Blame fear and intoxication for aiming for Kylo's face instead of his chest.

He turns back to his drink and finishes it. Orders another one.

The only thing stopping him is the fact he isn't in the mood to feel blood and brains on his face, and that Kylo looks about as miserable as he does. Finally, someone John doesn't have to feel bad about watching suffer with him.]

I'd shoot you, but I don't want to kill my buzz.

[killthepast]

I think you know.

[ Everything about this, that's what's funny. Both of their miserable states. His lip curls for a moment as he stares down into his empty glass, certain that Sheppard's contemplating some form of self-destructive violence or another. It's what Poe would be doing right now, he assumes, and the two of them are cut from the same cloth.

He lets out another snort of laughter, unbothered by John's confirmation of his assumptions. It's hard to feel intimidated right now, and he's not sure if it's the alcohol in his system, or John Sheppard looking as pathetic as he does right now. ]

Oh, of course. [ He motions to the bartender for another drink. ] Should I call your friend back? Maybe he can help with your buzz.

[deploy]

Maybe you should give him a call. Looks like you could use some help yourself.

[John almost gives in to that violence, but something tells him Kylo would like it. Wants it. Is asking for it. They're both looking for relief in their own ways. You don't come to a place like this for the atmosphere.

In John's case, he was looking for a fuck. In Kylo's case? maybe he was looking for a fight. The two aren't that far removed from each other, in the scheme of things. Sometimes it's just one thing passing itself off as the other. The darkening bruises on John's neck speak to that.

The bartender gives Kylo his drink. John grabs it before Kylo can and throws it back in one go. Doesn't even taste it.]