riverviewlogs | after the rain, comes the rainbow [open]

Entry tags:

after the rain, comes the rainbow [open]

who: Kylo Ren and OPENNN
what: Catch-all, featuring some open prompts from the TDM.
when: The month of April.
where: Here and there
warnings: Nothing yet

i. disaster relief
[ If it weren't for the lingering complications from his gunshot wound to the shoulder, Kylo Ren would be going on river expeditions and fighting giant reptiles and amphibians.

He would be, except Dr. Whale already lectured him and refused to budge the last time he'd demanded medical clearance. Apparently, pushing through pain in an attempt to force his body into recovery had only been making things worse for his arm and shoulder, in the long run.

So he has to take it relatively easy and stick to the prescribed physical therapy exercises until the doctor says otherwise. And that means staying behind as the city floods and tales of giant creatures lurking in the waters spread.

He's never been one to find contentment in sitting around and doing nothing. (Even if the action he tends to take is... you know, the wrong action, at least he's usually doing something.) So, in an attempt to curb feelings of restless agitation, Kylo... actually volunteers for the citywide relief effort. His arm may need time to heal, but he's still strong enough to assist in evacuation efforts, or in the setting up of temporary shelters, or doing any odd task where he can rely on the Force and worry less about hindering his arm's recovery.

Just don't expect him to cook or serve food. He's not feeling that helpful. ]

ii. routines
[ And since he's still stuck on the dreaded Desk Duty at work, Ren's mood-- as he goes about his daily routine-- is even more sour and gloomy than usual. Which is pretty impressive, considering his usual state is miserable enough.

So here's that catch-all prompt for seeing the scowling, overgrown emo kid at the gym (where he's still going to work out and spar as best he can, or go through his physical therapy exercises, if nothing else), or sulking around a coffee shop (don't judge his latte order) with his nose stuck in a journal as he jots notes down. Or at a library. He spends time at libraries, too. And just about anywhere, really. Outside, when it's not raining, because he's taken to communing with the Force out in the park. ]

iii. choose your own adventure
[ And if that last prompt wasn't broad enough, here's the wildcard choose your own adventure option. ]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You're the idiot, Ben. [ Fuck - ] Ren! Shit.

[ Scraping his stool back in order to hurry toward the office that has, importantly, a door he can hopefully close on Ren and wallow behind. ]

[ Ben?

His eyes widen a little, surprise plain on his face. It deflates the frustrated anger pretty quickly, leaving Ren stunned for a beat-- at least until Hux gets up to retreat. Without thinking, he reaches for the other man, to stop him and... talk to him? Look at him? He doesn't know-- he has no idea what Hux is even thinking, or why he'd say that name, and the fact that he can't glean even an inkling is maddening. ]

Wait--

[ It's stupid to say it, when Hux can't even hear him. And as he reaches for the general's sleeve, his hand misses just enough that his fingers brush the other man's hand. ]

[ The touch is as surprising as the return of sound as Ren brushes onto his hand and Hux holds his ears, reeling from the sudden influx of what feels like white noise: the quiet of the workshop and Ren's footsteps sounds like a landslide after absolute silence. He gasps, taking a step back. His voice pitches higher in shock. ]

What was that! I could ... I can't hear anymore, [ shitfuckkriff ] for a moment it all came back!

[ And for Ren, he's nearly bowled over by... everything when his fingers touch Hux's. In that brief moment, all is right. The Force is there, wrapping him in a warmth that reaches to his bones. It's blissful, and light, and just as he feels the Dark, encroaching at the edges, the contact is broken.

He's blinking, reeling, barely registering that Hux is speaking, though his words eventually penetrate. ]

Me too...

[ It slips out without a thought. He doesn't mean to let on that he'd lost something, but if Hux's hearing came and went, then it's possible he doesn't even catch Ren's meaning right here.

The Force came back when they touched hands. Likewise, Hux's hearing returned. Sucking in a gulping, shaking breath, he looks at his hand-- his fingertips-- then back at the other man. And, slowly, he extends his hand to Hux, eyes wide and pleading.

Take his hand. Please. Bring the Force back. ]

[ Staring at Ren's subsequent reaction, Hux catches the murmur and suddenly it makes sense: Ren's misery, his pathetic desire for the company of beasts (instead of Hux, fucking hilarious that he's less interesting than a cat) and the look on his face now. ]

You ... The only reason you haven't strangled me today is this, isn't it? Everyone lost something and you've lost the Force. [ Taking another step back, he tries to keep his balled-up fists steady and snaps, ] Why should I help you get it back? All you ever do is attack me with it!

[ That moment of vulnerability passes with Hux's reaction. There we go. He's not Ben to the general, and it was stupid to assign any meaning to that slip. There's no Ben and no Armitage, just Kylo Ren and General Hux. And there he is, looking at Ren like he's something monstrous and repulsive.

He clenches his offered hand into a fist and drops it, snarling in frustration: ]

You'd rather be deaf?! We could figure this out together!

[ He can just about parse those shouts, they're so in line with what he expects to hear. ]

Look around you! I did all of this to support you and you don't care about any of it! The second you lose the Force you're a wreck, all you care about is getting it back. You don't give the slightest damn about me when I'm supposed to be your confidant! Every weapon I designed was for you, you ungrateful brat! It's you and me on this moon, we could have been a team from the beginning!

You're the one who refused me, Ren, I've held my hand out for months.

[ ...well, okay, for somebody with the powers of the Force, Ren can be a completely oblivious idiot. He's aware, yes, that Hux had offered to build him a gun after he'd gotten shot. And he'd agreed to listen to Hux's counsel, too. But that was when he was still feigning interest in being Supreme Leader-- a stalling tactic, while he was trying to figure out how to extricate himself from... everything to do with their galaxy.

But he'd just assumed Hux was doing it out of some sycophantic attempt at ingratiating himself to a 'leader' he had every intention of overthrowing. Not that he'd actually felt left behind while Ren was off trying to find himself and cavorting with scoundrels and replacement Snokes.

He'd been alone, without allies, for months before Hux ever showed up. He'd grown accustomed to his new life, enough that he'd almost resented the general for arriving at all. But he hadn't taken a single moment to stop and think about what the other man might be feeling. All he did was make demands and throw him around and...

Ren's brow furrows, and even as he tries to hold on to his anger, it settles down in his stomach, replaced with... shame. Shame? Over how he treated somebody he'd regarded as little more than a rival and a pest for years?

This place really has ruined him. ]

But you hate me.

[ That's about all he can think to say, which only serves to make him feel stupid. ]

Edited 2018-04-23 19:50 (UTC)

[ Lipreading is the worst. ]

Hate you? I did, for a long time. Now I feel as though I'll be tolerating you until I can go home, because I've used up so much energy hating you and it's obvious you don't care whether I live or die, either way. All my uses mean nothing, I understand.

[ He's not useless or weak, he's not. All he has to do is breathe and Brendol's voice can't echo in the silence. Hux swallows, arms folding protectively. ]

What about your lover, the skinhead with the obnoxiously arrogant mouth? Or Pierce, I'm sure he'd relish the chance to hold this power over you. Go and find someone else to hold your hand, it certainly doesn't need to be me.

[ There's a flicker of something in Ren's face at the mention of his lover. Loss, because Leonard-- vicious and clever and beautiful-- had come into his life like a force of nature and started him on this path to find something more than the conflicts of his galaxy... And now he's gone, for reasons so understandable that Ren can't even hate him for it.

But he doesn't want to talk about his love life, or lack thereof. Neither does he want to talk about Pierce, despite the flinch on his face at the sharp remark.

He's quiet, gaze pulling downward for a moment, before swallowing and trying to find the strength to be... vulnerable and sincere with the other man. He extends his hand again, knowing full well Hux likely won't accept it. ]

Please. Not for-- not for the Force. So I can talk to you.

Edited 2018-04-23 20:19 (UTC)

[ It has felt for weeks on end like shouting at a brick wall, and now the same wall has decided to topple over on his head and make it hard to breathe. He thinks he knows what Ren just said, but who can tell?

Closing his eyes, he lifts his hand and sighs, taking advantage of the fact he can't hear himself to let it rattle a little. ]

Before you throw me into a another wall, repeat back what you just said.

[ His hand slides into Ren's and Hux hiccups, forcing down the uneasy deja vu. It's as if the wall is back and the water is at his feet with a snake nearby, too near, and it only recedes a little once Ren's hand is clasped in his.

Hux quite suddenly hates the sound of his own ragged breathing. ]

[ He doesn't expect Hux to reach for his hand. What he expects is to have it slapped aside, for the general to call him a power-hungry, selfish brat. ]

I said-- [ He draws in a breath, trying to steady himself as the Force rushes back into him. It's overwhelming for a few moments, and he can see it around them: the wall, the still floodwater. He can feel the sun beating down on them, and hear the laughter of two boys, both burdened by so much in their young lives, but enjoying one simple, carefree afternoon.

And beyond it, he can hear Hux's breathing, and his own, shaky and uncertain. He isn't sure if it's Kylo Ren or Ben Solo who squeezes Hux's hand in a show of compassion he's never really given the other man before. ]

I said... I wanted to talk. Not use the Force.

[ That gains a disbelieving grunt as Hux rubs his ears. ]

You use it constantly and never stop, that's why you're so relieved right now.

[ He may not own the Force himself but it's obviously a way of life for Ren, nobody could deny that. Hux can't begin to care very much, too self-pitying to see beyond the black smear of his depression and do more than let Ren have his hand, a twitch his response when squeezed. To try and distract from how awkwardly miserable he is, he sighs. ]

We can't stand here all day, we have to do something.

I use it the same way you use your eyes, or your ears. Aren't you relieved to have your hearing back?

[ He's uncharacteristically patient as he says that. It's an attempt at talking to Hux like... well, the way he'd talk to the few friends he's made here. To make a small effort, and show him that it isn't just witchcraft.

...but Hux is right, they really can't just stand here all day. ]

We could... sit down. [ Sit and talk. So Ren can explain his own horrid and indifferent behavior. ]

[ The deep disregard he currently holds himself in means that, no, he doesn't give a damn about having his hearing back (Maybe I should go and drown in the river) and hates himself for falling this far, desperate to be of some use. ]

Fine.

[ The bed it is, with Hux's hand securing in Ren's to drag him all the way there so that he can climb on. May as well be comfy for this. ]

[ There was a time when these feelings coming from Hux would probably satisfy some cruel part of Ren. But now, they are in this together, and there's no Snoke around to stoke the flames of their rivalry, or a First Order to command.

Hux made an attempt, in his sharp-tongued way, to keep Ren from wandering right into the arms of another Snoke. He tried to help. Now it's fitting that Ren should try to offer the same, in his own blunt and emotionally clumsy way.

He never thought he'd be sitting on a bed, holding hands with his old rival and pouring his heart out to him. This is...

...just another day in Quarantine.

Ren sits with him, in silence, time passing at a dreadful crawl as he tries to find the right words. Holding hands is a necessity if they want to keep their senses, and it brings a feeling of intimacy that wouldn't otherwise be here. He's not sure if that should make it easier or more difficult to speak plainly. ]

I was-- [ Ugh. Here goes. ] afraid. When you arrived.

[ Heels dig into the bed when he brings his knees up, the only barrier he can sustain when Ren is so close at his side. His free arm wraps around Hux's middle, trying to keep his insides from crawling up his throat, his other hand cold in the heat of Ren's. ]

You can't possibly have been afraid of me.

[ Ren pulls his legs up on the bed, to sit cross-legged, his body language somewhat more relaxed than Hux's, even as he feels anything but, given everything. It's not just the inherent awkwardness of holding hands with Hux (and the memories of the last time they did, under wildly different circumstances) that has him out-of-sorts, but also the dark, gloomy misery coming off the other man.

For all that Ren's fixated on his own feelings of being lost and directionless here, he'd never considered that Hux, in the absence of the First Order, might feel similarly adrift. ]

I'd only just decided to give it all up-- the First Order, our galaxy, everything. [ Indeed, before he'd gotten shot, before he'd met Leonard and learned how freeing it was to be nobody, before his disastrous conversations with Rey-- he'd every intention of seizing the first possible opportunity to return to their galaxy, crush the Resistance, and finish the war (finish Ben Solo) once and for all. ] And then you were here. [ He pauses, trying to figure out just how to articulate this. It's difficult enough to put into words as it is. ] And I feared the pull back.

I feared for my new future. [ And he'd resented Hux for it. ]

[ It's a mad experience to hear Ren admit he's afraid of anything, much more so that Hux could instil anything of the sort. ]

You launched me into the cockpit's wall of the command shuttle when I voiced the slightest disagreement! I tried to pander to you when I found myself on this moon, I had nothing and I still aimed to make your life easier, thinking you wanted to be the Supreme Leader and would backhand me with the Force if I didn't. We were surrounded by rebels on a strange moon, you said one of them attacked you. You made it seem as though we were on the same side, Ren, when in actual fact you weren't looking out for me at all.

[ That's what wounds him, what scrapes at his pride; that he isn't worth the effort to see as useful in any way. ]

If I'd known you wanted to frolic off into the sunset and abandon all your responsibilities, I wouldn't have dogged you and your business.

And you were going to kill me, the first chance you got! You were going to undermine me until you could be rid of me! [ It's difficult, with his temper, to restrain any defensive anger that threatens to rise up. He's trying, however belatedly, however inadequately, to... Kriff, he doesn't even know what he's trying here. ]

One of them did attack me! How do you think I found myself holed up with a strange man in the first place? I was weak and recovering, my arm useless-- [ An arm that still troubles him, somewhat. He's recovered enough now that he can return to the field, but that doesn't mean the lingering aches and stiffness are gone. What he wouldn't give for some proper med tech, like back on the Finalizer. ] --when suddenly you arrived. You, who would dispose of me in a heartbeat.

I didn't know what to do. I had no plan. I still-- [ Still have no plan.

He stops, taking a breath, trying to find some sense of calm. This isn't what he wanted. Most of the time, he's not seeking a fight with Hux, but it inevitably turns that way, because he's too quick to escalate, instead of listen. Even now, he's too busy being defensive instead of listening.

Ren looks at Hux, his stare level, studying him. Here he goes, it's time to pull his head out of his ass. Or at least make an attempt to. No more defensive shouting, no more violence-- if he can keep his temper under control. ]

You aren't useless. I just didn't want to see you as anything but a threat. [ At least until the Flower Festival. Now, he can hardly separate General Hux from Armitage, much as he tries. ] And I'm the fool for it.

Edited 2018-04-25 13:15 (UTC)

[ It's a lot to digest. He doesn't bother arguing that he had planned to shoot Ren in the throne room, everything had been chaotic and opportunistic in those frantic hours. What helps a lot is hearing Ren admit his faults (calling himself a fool is like a nugget of bacta for Hux's soul) without screaming them first or making a challenge out of it. Dejected and tired, just like Hux, it's apparent they've both been handling their shit to ill effect. ]

Thank you. It helps to hear you say that. [ The other part; about Hux not being useless. What a weird thing to thank someone for saying, he thinks, but it's about as tactful as Ren gets and it's obvious he's trying. Hux's hand shifts, better suited to loosely lace their fingers with the weird positions they are sitting in. ] Well. We can at least agree that we'd rather we were both alive, what a landmark achievement.

[ The black humour comes out wry, without heat. ]

How is your arm faring now?

[ There's a trace of surprise in his face when Hux thanks him. It's an odd thing to hear-- but then, this entire situation is odd. New territory for the both of them. His eyes drift back to their hands, as if the little shift in movement suddenly reminds him of the fact that they're still holding on to each other. Which-- of course they are. They wouldn't be able to have this talk otherwise. He curls his fingers a little, the tips brushing against the other man's skin. The wry remark brings a hint of a smirk to his face as he looks up. ]

I think we can count that as a miracle.

[ The question's unexpected, delivered with more than that bare indifference Snoke only ever showed for his injuries. Ren hums in thought before he answers. ]

Stiff, but... better. I have daily exercises for it. [ Which he's not allowed to go overboard with. What a source of frustration.

Ren pauses, hesitates, then asks: ] How's your throat?

[ A hum acknowledges the update on Ren's arm, Hux eyeing it before his attention flickers up. ]

It's fine now. [ Jim made him tea, which felt like it did more to heal than any medicine.

A more meaty aside comes to light when he can't keep his thoughts to himself, mulling over Ren's new directionless life-choices. ]

It feels like it did before Snoke came and took control, I have an untethered momentum. [ That's Hux's way of saying he's lost too. He sighs, fingers twitching as Ren's curl. ] He loomed out of nowhere, it seemed. Who knows how long he lurked in the shadows before poisoning his way into the Order? No one left alive, certainly.

[ He huffs out a breath. Snoke. What would both of their lives look like now, if his old master hadn't manipulated them so completely? Would he be a Jedi? A Resistance fighter, out to stop Emperor Hux and the First Order? Or a smuggler, a drifter, like his father had once been?

It's funny to think that all this time, he'd seen Hux as nothing more than a rival and a pest, instead of somebody as smothered under Snoke's control as himself. But then, that was Snoke's design, wasn't it. To keep them biting at each other and vying for his approval, rather than allying with each other.

A cur's weakness...

Snoke hadn't just been talking about the general there.

Ren tilts his head, looking at Hux curiously. ] He wasn't around, was he? When you were a boy. What was the Order like then? [ And moreover... ] What if we created something new? Here? A new path, for both of us.

Edited 2018-04-25 16:02 (UTC)

Smaller, he brought wealth and the Navigators with it. There was ... no real stopping him when he barged into the fray, seizing control. That was how a lot of now very dead people saw it.

[ Hux exchanged Rae Sloane and her mentorship for a derisive alien who only ever pushed him for more, never to temper himself. He knew that. It was exhilarating, while Starkiller lived, but hindsight is twenty-twenty.

Rubbing his eyes with his free hand, he tips his head against the wall and laughs hollowly. ]

What do you imagine we could make, Ren? None of the rebels would stand for either of us in a seat of true power.

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