[closed] it's too late, it's too soon or is it?

[buildsomething]

who: Tony, Steve, Bucky and Sam
what: Tony has some issues that apparently need airing
when: Feb 15 - 28
where: Around
warnings: References to brainwashing, trauma and death


[Despite what it might seem, Tony is not a man who dwells on things. Dwelling would require actually focusing on his issues at all, and he'd much rather just bury everything and move on. It doesn't always work particularly well, but it's a defense mechanism that settled into place too long ago to be easily changed.

So when he finds his mind drifting towards his sore spots whenever he's not concentrating on anything else, it gives him pause. It's not entirely unexpected, there's been a lot of reasons those old hurts have been kicked up lately. The fact that he can't stop thinking about them is weirder, but Tony's had worse reasons to buckle down and focus harder on his work.

The black lines start appearing on his skin is when Tony begins to suspect something is wrong. Well actually, the first thought at seeing the marks, swirls of black stretching away from the circle of scar tissue in the center of his chest, is pure panic. It fades quickly enough, the rest of it doesn't feel anything like the palladium poisoning, even if it looks uncomfortably similar. Actually, it just kind of itches. A constant irritation to the skin that is impossible to ignore. And it just keeps getting worse.

It doesn't take much digging around the network to figure out what this is. What he intends to do about it is a little more difficult. Tony has plenty of reasons to keep his issues to himself. He can see who breaks first, himself or a stupid spell.]

Comments

[advanced]

What the hell do you mean 'how long'?

[This isn't something he has a set timeframe on, he'll be okay when he's okay. If he's okay. No, he has to be, this is going to wear off, it's not going to be like it was in the beginning, not again.]

[buildsomething]

How long do I apparently have to keep you locked in here? It's not a difficult question.

[He gestures towards the door with one gauntleted hand, sharp and aggravated.]

Really not looking to keep a wife in the attic, if it's all the same to you.

[advanced]

Forget it.

[Why was Stark being like this? Sure, they were always antagonistic, but he had come here to accept help and this was going way worse than anticipated.]

Just forget it, I'll handle it, step aside.

[It's such a bad idea, but he's bristling now.]

[buildsomething]

[And Tony, showing the keen self-preservation instincts he's known for, steps between Barnes and the door.]

Yeah, I don't think so.

[advanced]

I said step aside.

[He doesn't raise his voice, but there's a hard edge to his words that suggest a threat.]

[buildsomething]

You just told me not to let you leave. So you're not leaving.

[And a big part of him doesn't believe Barnes will actually attack him. It's a weird situation to suddenly figure out that Tony trusts him that much, but it's something he can puzzle out later. Much later.]

Stop trying to intimidate me and sit down and we can figure out what went wrong.

[advanced]

And you just told me that you're not interested in keeping me here.

[Or words to that effect, at least when he couldn't give a definite time frame on how long his head might be messed up for.]

What went wrong was all of it, it was a damn mistake to begin with.

[buildsomething]

Oh for fucks...

[Tony just barely remembers that he's wearing metal gloves in time to stop himself from slapping a hand against his face.]

We've been over this. A lot. I told you it wasn't going to go smoothly right away, that it would take some work. If I wasn't interested in having you here, you wouldn't be here.

[advanced]

[He just glares in response to that, because he can't exactly refute those points, he just doesn't like it.]

That's not 'not smoothly', that's almost letting the Soldier loose again, there's a world of difference.

[buildsomething]

[He gestures around them, the movements sharp with irritation.]

Are you loose? You are not. There are security measures in place, and they're working. I'm sorry if it sucks, but we knew it was going to suck, and it has to be done.

[Tony pauses for a moment, forcing himself to calm down a little.]

Look, I can reconfigure the thing to be a little less immediate. Put some distances between you and the memory.

[advanced]

[Why did he think that it would be a good idea to work with Stark? That two of them have friction at the best of times, and this is just added tension to make things even worse.

He passes a hand over his face, trying to rein himself in a bit.]

How?

[He'll give the concession of waiting for an explanation rather than just dismissing it, much as he wants to.]

What do you mean, put distances there?

[buildsomething]

[A couple more deep breaths, and Tony is almost back on even keel. Or at least doing a much more reasonable job of pretending he is.]

The way the BARF tech originally worked is that it would just project the image of the memory. So you could watch it, but it wouldn't be happening to you actively.

[There's the slightest hesitation before he sighs and holds out a hand.]

I can show you, if you want.

[advanced]

[Stark is a very strange blend of childish and brilliant, who else would invent something so revolutionary and call it a name like that? It's the absurdity of that which helps ground him, allow him to focus back on being calmer. Or at least projecting the image of calm.]

Okay.

[He takes a half step closer, wary but willing.]

Show me.

[buildsomething]

[...well shit. Part of him had been hoping that Barnes wouldn't actually go for it, but well. He'd offered.

He has to hold the glasses carefully with the gauntlets on, which is a good excuse for why he hesitates for a moment. There's no way Tony can use the same memory he had for the original tests, especially not when Barnes is already feeling on edge. As tense as Tony himself feels, he's not really looking to rub salt in that wound.

Tony still finds himself taking a deep breath as he slips the glasses on.]

Jarvis?

[But that's not his voice. Or rather it is, minus a good four decades. As he turns, the empty room around them shifts into a much, much fancier space, almost obnoxiously so. The furniture is all a bit see-through without anything to project against, but the idea is there.

And so is the tiny dark-haired boy, curled up on an uncomfortable-looking sofa and staring up at a dignified older man.]

Yes, young sir?

[The second voice would be immediately familiar to anyone who's heard Tony's AI speak. Not a perfect imitation, but the closest resemblance you were likely to get.]

[advanced]

[He's less tense about the idea of stepping into one of Stark's memories, and there's a tiny vindictive bit of his brain that's pleased that turnabout is going to be done here.

It's different right away, the image seems less solid and Stark isn't actually in the place of the little boy, or he doesn't seem to be. Bucky still looks around at once to see if he can see the older Stark as well as the younger one.]

...I didn't know your AI was based on a real person.

[That's both sad and a little pathetic.]

[buildsomething]

[Tony flicks him a look dry enough to be visible from behind the glasses, but he can't help but be drawn back towards the little tableau, even if he knows how it's going to go. He can remember this, as young as he was, the quiet conversation but increasingly tense between the two on why exactly why the younger Tony has to go to boarding school.

It's still a little unsettling to watch it from the outside, his tony self getting more and more wound up in the face of Jarvis' implacable calm. He understands it more now, how little option either of them had, but he can still remember how it felt like the worst kind of betrayal.

But the tech works. Even if he's forgotten a little what's supposed to be happening. Because rather than that little Tony pushing past the butler and running out of the room, Jarvis murmurs softly:] Come now, sir. This is not how you want this to end.

[And when the little boy gets up, it's to instead throw his arms around the man's legs.

Which is about when Tony reaches up to pull the glasses off with a sigh. Well, that was fun. And with an audience too, terrific.]

You get it now? [He just sounds tired, not looking over.]

[advanced]

[He thought it would be easier to watch someone else's memory; and, to an extent, it is. There's no danger of him being triggered here, and the memory itself doesn't seem that violent, but it's still hard to watch. It's intimate and personal in ways that make him hyper-aware that he shouldn't be here, and it's an obviously important formative moment in Stark's life.

He doesn't know how it was meant to go, how it was meant to end, but it gives him a bit of insight into the man all the same. It's very telling that his emotional memories are with the staff, not with his parents.]

Yeah.

[He sounds chastened now, thoughtful rather than aggressive.]

It might help seeing it that way, but I don't know. Those-- what you heard the start of, those words, they're designed to get in my head. I don't know if it'll matter where I am as long as I can hear them.

[buildsomething]

[Well, at least that little trip down memory lane accomplished something, then. Tony can't help but glance back over towards the place where Jarvis was standing before he turns to face Barnes again.]

Well the point here is to stop them getting in your head. So maybe we, I don't know, go through them a bit at a time? Exposure therapy or something.

[Is that even a thing? He's pretty sure it's a thing.]

If you have a better idea, I'm all ears.

[advanced]

Maybe, I don't have any other ideas and if they don't complete the sequence it shouldn't work to-- I should be able to keep control.

[At least nominally.]

You still might have to turn it off remotely.

[buildsomething]

[That makes Tony pause for a second.]

You can shut it off too, you know. If it's getting to be too much. JARVIS'll listen.

[And the AI can monitor autonomic reactions, too. But that seems like the kind of thing not to bring up right away. People seem to find it invasive for some reason.]

[advanced]

[His gaze flicks up as if he'll be able to see the AI watching, but obviously he can't. He really needs to find out someday just how much autonomy this creation of Stark's has.]

Okay. I guess we can try again, then.

[Said like someone about to get a root canal without anaesthetic.]

[buildsomething]

[He huffs out a laugh, tired but genuine. At least some of that weird prickly sensation is gone, and he feels slightly less likely to completely fly off the handle.

Maybe it's just because they're making progress. Some kind of progress.]

Yeah okay. [The briefest pause.] How about you come up with a safe word that'll shut everything down? As soon as you say it, program stops.

[advanced]

[That's a good idea, but he's not about to stroke Stark's ego enough to say so out loud. Instead, he just thinks for a moment for a good safe word, one he won't say by accident.]

Peanut.

[Maybe that's a bit goofy, but it's the first thing that came to mind.]

And this is the last time we try this today.

[buildsomething]

Peanut it is.

[Tony doesn't even blink. He's heard weirder.

He does hold his hands up defensively, though.]

If you're done, you're done. As long as you're not about to go all Terminator on someone, I'm not holding you here.

[advanced]

[He nods, grateful that Stark doesn't push for them to keep going.

He slides the glasses on and the room around them changes, but this time he can remain stood apart from it just watching. This time it's a slightly earlier memory, the Soldier looking bloodied and bruised in the middle of the room as a man in body armour stands opposite him.]

Forward.

[The command is given in Russian and the Soldier obeys, rushing forwards only to get beaten back viciously by the other man.]