riverviewlogs | [closed] it's too late, it's too soon or is it?

Entry tags:

[closed] it's too late, it's too soon or is it?

who: Tony, Steve, Bucky and Sam
what: Tony has some issues that apparently need airing
when: Feb 15 - 28
where: Around
warnings: References to brainwashing, trauma and death

[Despite what it might seem, Tony is not a man who dwells on things. Dwelling would require actually focusing on his issues at all, and he'd much rather just bury everything and move on. It doesn't always work particularly well, but it's a defense mechanism that settled into place too long ago to be easily changed.

So when he finds his mind drifting towards his sore spots whenever he's not concentrating on anything else, it gives him pause. It's not entirely unexpected, there's been a lot of reasons those old hurts have been kicked up lately. The fact that he can't stop thinking about them is weirder, but Tony's had worse reasons to buckle down and focus harder on his work.

The black lines start appearing on his skin is when Tony begins to suspect something is wrong. Well actually, the first thought at seeing the marks, swirls of black stretching away from the circle of scar tissue in the center of his chest, is pure panic. It fades quickly enough, the rest of it doesn't feel anything like the palladium poisoning, even if it looks uncomfortably similar. Actually, it just kind of itches. A constant irritation to the skin that is impossible to ignore. And it just keeps getting worse.

It doesn't take much digging around the network to figure out what this is. What he intends to do about it is a little more difficult. Tony has plenty of reasons to keep his issues to himself. He can see who breaks first, himself or a stupid spell.]

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[He gestures around them, the movements sharp with irritation.]

Are you loose? You are not. There are security measures in place, and they're working. I'm sorry if it sucks, but we knew it was going to suck, and it has to be done.

[Tony pauses for a moment, forcing himself to calm down a little.]

Look, I can reconfigure the thing to be a little less immediate. Put some distances between you and the memory.

[Why did he think that it would be a good idea to work with Stark? That two of them have friction at the best of times, and this is just added tension to make things even worse.

He passes a hand over his face, trying to rein himself in a bit.]

How?

[He'll give the concession of waiting for an explanation rather than just dismissing it, much as he wants to.]

What do you mean, put distances there?

[A couple more deep breaths, and Tony is almost back on even keel. Or at least doing a much more reasonable job of pretending he is.]

The way the BARF tech originally worked is that it would just project the image of the memory. So you could watch it, but it wouldn't be happening to you actively.

[There's the slightest hesitation before he sighs and holds out a hand.]

I can show you, if you want.

[Stark is a very strange blend of childish and brilliant, who else would invent something so revolutionary and call it a name like that? It's the absurdity of that which helps ground him, allow him to focus back on being calmer. Or at least projecting the image of calm.]

Okay.

[He takes a half step closer, wary but willing.]

Show me.

[...well shit. Part of him had been hoping that Barnes wouldn't actually go for it, but well. He'd offered.

He has to hold the glasses carefully with the gauntlets on, which is a good excuse for why he hesitates for a moment. There's no way Tony can use the same memory he had for the original tests, especially not when Barnes is already feeling on edge. As tense as Tony himself feels, he's not really looking to rub salt in that wound.

Tony still finds himself taking a deep breath as he slips the glasses on.]

Jarvis?

[But that's not his voice. Or rather it is, minus a good four decades. As he turns, the empty room around them shifts into a much, much fancier space, almost obnoxiously so. The furniture is all a bit see-through without anything to project against, but the idea is there.

And so is the tiny dark-haired boy, curled up on an uncomfortable-looking sofa and staring up at a dignified older man.]

Yes, young sir?

[The second voice would be immediately familiar to anyone who's heard Tony's AI speak. Not a perfect imitation, but the closest resemblance you were likely to get.]

[He's less tense about the idea of stepping into one of Stark's memories, and there's a tiny vindictive bit of his brain that's pleased that turnabout is going to be done here.

It's different right away, the image seems less solid and Stark isn't actually in the place of the little boy, or he doesn't seem to be. Bucky still looks around at once to see if he can see the older Stark as well as the younger one.]

...I didn't know your AI was based on a real person.

[That's both sad and a little pathetic.]

[Tony flicks him a look dry enough to be visible from behind the glasses, but he can't help but be drawn back towards the little tableau, even if he knows how it's going to go. He can remember this, as young as he was, the quiet conversation but increasingly tense between the two on why exactly why the younger Tony has to go to boarding school.

It's still a little unsettling to watch it from the outside, his tony self getting more and more wound up in the face of Jarvis' implacable calm. He understands it more now, how little option either of them had, but he can still remember how it felt like the worst kind of betrayal.

But the tech works. Even if he's forgotten a little what's supposed to be happening. Because rather than that little Tony pushing past the butler and running out of the room, Jarvis murmurs softly:] Come now, sir. This is not how you want this to end.

[And when the little boy gets up, it's to instead throw his arms around the man's legs.

Which is about when Tony reaches up to pull the glasses off with a sigh. Well, that was fun. And with an audience too, terrific.]

You get it now? [He just sounds tired, not looking over.]

[He thought it would be easier to watch someone else's memory; and, to an extent, it is. There's no danger of him being triggered here, and the memory itself doesn't seem that violent, but it's still hard to watch. It's intimate and personal in ways that make him hyper-aware that he shouldn't be here, and it's an obviously important formative moment in Stark's life.

He doesn't know how it was meant to go, how it was meant to end, but it gives him a bit of insight into the man all the same. It's very telling that his emotional memories are with the staff, not with his parents.]

Yeah.

[He sounds chastened now, thoughtful rather than aggressive.]

It might help seeing it that way, but I don't know. Those-- what you heard the start of, those words, they're designed to get in my head. I don't know if it'll matter where I am as long as I can hear them.

[Well, at least that little trip down memory lane accomplished something, then. Tony can't help but glance back over towards the place where Jarvis was standing before he turns to face Barnes again.]

Well the point here is to stop them getting in your head. So maybe we, I don't know, go through them a bit at a time? Exposure therapy or something.

[Is that even a thing? He's pretty sure it's a thing.]

If you have a better idea, I'm all ears.

Maybe, I don't have any other ideas and if they don't complete the sequence it shouldn't work to-- I should be able to keep control.

[At least nominally.]

You still might have to turn it off remotely.

[That makes Tony pause for a second.]

You can shut it off too, you know. If it's getting to be too much. JARVIS'll listen.

[And the AI can monitor autonomic reactions, too. But that seems like the kind of thing not to bring up right away. People seem to find it invasive for some reason.]

[His gaze flicks up as if he'll be able to see the AI watching, but obviously he can't. He really needs to find out someday just how much autonomy this creation of Stark's has.]

Okay. I guess we can try again, then.

[Said like someone about to get a root canal without anaesthetic.]

[He huffs out a laugh, tired but genuine. At least some of that weird prickly sensation is gone, and he feels slightly less likely to completely fly off the handle.

Maybe it's just because they're making progress. Some kind of progress.]

Yeah okay. [The briefest pause.] How about you come up with a safe word that'll shut everything down? As soon as you say it, program stops.

[That's a good idea, but he's not about to stroke Stark's ego enough to say so out loud. Instead, he just thinks for a moment for a good safe word, one he won't say by accident.]

Peanut.

[Maybe that's a bit goofy, but it's the first thing that came to mind.]

And this is the last time we try this today.

Peanut it is.

[Tony doesn't even blink. He's heard weirder.

He does hold his hands up defensively, though.]

If you're done, you're done. As long as you're not about to go all Terminator on someone, I'm not holding you here.

[He nods, grateful that Stark doesn't push for them to keep going.

He slides the glasses on and the room around them changes, but this time he can remain stood apart from it just watching. This time it's a slightly earlier memory, the Soldier looking bloodied and bruised in the middle of the room as a man in body armour stands opposite him.]

Forward.

[The command is given in Russian and the Soldier obeys, rushing forwards only to get beaten back viciously by the other man.]

[Tony's eyes flick briefly over the image, but he finds himself watching the actual Barnes much more closely. For one, he's gotten a pretty good sense of how the Winter Soldier was treated, and he might have done his own semi-involuntary sharing, but pretty sure Barnes won't thank him for reacting to it.

But mostly, if Barnes is that worried about the programming taking over, he should at least learn to keep an eye out for the signs. JARVIS may be watching over everything, but he can't be everywhere.]

[He's tense, rigid as steel, but he doesn't look so immediately close to breaking as he did in the other memory. His gaze flicks from the past version of himself to Stark, voice hoarse as he explains.]

I thought something easier, maybe? This was just obedience training, kind of a precursor to the trigger words.

[Something almost like a dry smile flickers across Tony's face at the idea of this being easier, but he gets the idea.]

When the system loads the memory, it will also catch a way you wanted it to change. Try focusing on that.

Oh. Right.

[A way to change it. He supposes the easiest way would be if he just stopped obeying, if they gave him orders and he refused to follow them, isn't that what this is all about anyway?

He focuses back on the Soldier and starts thinking about him refusing to obey, but it's like swimming through treacle. The handler gives the order to go forward again and the Soldier moves, but at about half the speed, as though he has to fight to obey.]

This is so-- it's like we're really there.

That's the idea.

[It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. A way to work through trauma with the subconscious mind. Somehow when Tony had started the whole project, he hadn't anticipated that he would be using it quite so often.

Or maybe he had. But that's something to worry about another day.]

And the point was that since it's your brain shaping the memory, you can have it play out in different ways.

And what if my brain is kinda broken?

[He tries to ask it in a glib sort of way to downplay how worried he is about that, but it just comes out flat and uncomfortable. He shifts a bit, almost taking the glasses off, but stopping just short.]

I want to stop him obeying, but a part of me still thinks he should.

[It's deeply ingrained in him, and one of the reasons he avoids Pierce so much, that he's scared of how much he might obey just because it feels right.]

You're not broken.

[It might come out a bit firmer than he intended. Enough to startle himself, actually, but Tony just keeps going rather than linger on that little reaction.]

The point is that we're working on it. You knew it wasn't going to happen right away and we literally just started. Give yourself some time.

[His gaze slides over to Stark when he gives that vehement response, expression unreadable. Things have become pretty complicated between them, haven't they?]

...yeah. Thanks.

[Time. Okay.

He tilts his head back to the scene in front of them and keeps concentrating on the Soldier disobeying, but the most he manages to get is a brief hesitation before compliance. It's something, he supposes.]

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[closed] it's too late, it's too soon or is it?

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