[closed] it's too late, it's too soon or is it?

[buildsomething]

who: Tony, Steve, Bucky and Sam
what: Tony has some issues that apparently need airing
when: Feb 15 - 28
where: Around
warnings: References to brainwashing, trauma and death


[Despite what it might seem, Tony is not a man who dwells on things. Dwelling would require actually focusing on his issues at all, and he'd much rather just bury everything and move on. It doesn't always work particularly well, but it's a defense mechanism that settled into place too long ago to be easily changed.

So when he finds his mind drifting towards his sore spots whenever he's not concentrating on anything else, it gives him pause. It's not entirely unexpected, there's been a lot of reasons those old hurts have been kicked up lately. The fact that he can't stop thinking about them is weirder, but Tony's had worse reasons to buckle down and focus harder on his work.

The black lines start appearing on his skin is when Tony begins to suspect something is wrong. Well actually, the first thought at seeing the marks, swirls of black stretching away from the circle of scar tissue in the center of his chest, is pure panic. It fades quickly enough, the rest of it doesn't feel anything like the palladium poisoning, even if it looks uncomfortably similar. Actually, it just kind of itches. A constant irritation to the skin that is impossible to ignore. And it just keeps getting worse.

It doesn't take much digging around the network to figure out what this is. What he intends to do about it is a little more difficult. Tony has plenty of reasons to keep his issues to himself. He can see who breaks first, himself or a stupid spell.]

Comments

[advanced]

[That's a good idea, but he's not about to stroke Stark's ego enough to say so out loud. Instead, he just thinks for a moment for a good safe word, one he won't say by accident.]

Peanut.

[Maybe that's a bit goofy, but it's the first thing that came to mind.]

And this is the last time we try this today.

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Peanut it is.

[Tony doesn't even blink. He's heard weirder.

He does hold his hands up defensively, though.]

If you're done, you're done. As long as you're not about to go all Terminator on someone, I'm not holding you here.

[advanced]

[He nods, grateful that Stark doesn't push for them to keep going.

He slides the glasses on and the room around them changes, but this time he can remain stood apart from it just watching. This time it's a slightly earlier memory, the Soldier looking bloodied and bruised in the middle of the room as a man in body armour stands opposite him.]

Forward.

[The command is given in Russian and the Soldier obeys, rushing forwards only to get beaten back viciously by the other man.]

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[Tony's eyes flick briefly over the image, but he finds himself watching the actual Barnes much more closely. For one, he's gotten a pretty good sense of how the Winter Soldier was treated, and he might have done his own semi-involuntary sharing, but pretty sure Barnes won't thank him for reacting to it.

But mostly, if Barnes is that worried about the programming taking over, he should at least learn to keep an eye out for the signs. JARVIS may be watching over everything, but he can't be everywhere.]

[advanced]

[He's tense, rigid as steel, but he doesn't look so immediately close to breaking as he did in the other memory. His gaze flicks from the past version of himself to Stark, voice hoarse as he explains.]

I thought something easier, maybe? This was just obedience training, kind of a precursor to the trigger words.

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[Something almost like a dry smile flickers across Tony's face at the idea of this being easier, but he gets the idea.]

When the system loads the memory, it will also catch a way you wanted it to change. Try focusing on that.

[advanced]

Oh. Right.

[A way to change it. He supposes the easiest way would be if he just stopped obeying, if they gave him orders and he refused to follow them, isn't that what this is all about anyway?

He focuses back on the Soldier and starts thinking about him refusing to obey, but it's like swimming through treacle. The handler gives the order to go forward again and the Soldier moves, but at about half the speed, as though he has to fight to obey.]

This is so-- it's like we're really there.

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That's the idea.

[It had seemed like such a good idea at the time. A way to work through trauma with the subconscious mind. Somehow when Tony had started the whole project, he hadn't anticipated that he would be using it quite so often.

Or maybe he had. But that's something to worry about another day.]

And the point was that since it's your brain shaping the memory, you can have it play out in different ways.

[advanced]

And what if my brain is kinda broken?

[He tries to ask it in a glib sort of way to downplay how worried he is about that, but it just comes out flat and uncomfortable. He shifts a bit, almost taking the glasses off, but stopping just short.]

I want to stop him obeying, but a part of me still thinks he should.

[It's deeply ingrained in him, and one of the reasons he avoids Pierce so much, that he's scared of how much he might obey just because it feels right.]

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You're not broken.

[It might come out a bit firmer than he intended. Enough to startle himself, actually, but Tony just keeps going rather than linger on that little reaction.]

The point is that we're working on it. You knew it wasn't going to happen right away and we literally just started. Give yourself some time.

[advanced]

[His gaze slides over to Stark when he gives that vehement response, expression unreadable. Things have become pretty complicated between them, haven't they?]

...yeah. Thanks.

[Time. Okay.

He tilts his head back to the scene in front of them and keeps concentrating on the Soldier disobeying, but the most he manages to get is a brief hesitation before compliance. It's something, he supposes.]