riverviewlogs | [ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

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[ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

who: Clarice Fong & John Proudstar
what: Two grown mutants try ( and probably fail ) to talk about their feelings in an adult manner.
when: Feb 10th.
where: Community housing.
warnings: n/a, unless you get second hand embarrassment from idiots in love.

( She's tried to leave it be, she really has, but the more the days pass, the more impossible it becomes. Clarice finds herself looking for John at the weirdest of times, hoping to catch his gaze or fire a smirk his way. And every time she remembers he's not actually there. It's weird that she still lives with all these people and yet he's floors away. Giving him space had been a good idea at first, but she can't stop part of her aching to be near him.

They probably need to talk. No, scratch that, they definitely need to talk. About everything, really. But she can still remember the feeling of his mouth against hers, the small helpless smile he'd given her after. It feels selfish to want to know how he feels about that, but maybe she's allowed to be selfish now. She's given up on enough, she doesn't want to give up on this.

( Except, she's terrified he'll say no, that they'll go back to that awkward tense space they'd occupied for so long. )

Which is why she comes armed as she heads to his dorm. He's not on shift - she checked, don't judge her - and when she moves into the common space she's got a cheery smile on her face. John's alone, which is good, and she's hoping the look of surprise on his face isn't a bad sign. )

I didn't know if you were a sweet or savoury kind of guy, so.

( Holding up a bag of chips in one hand and a pack of sugary looking donuts in the other. ) I couldn't find jelly. I'm so gonna have to lodge a complaint.

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[ He leans closer, looking at Clarice more than he's looking at the reptiles. ]

I want you to keep feeling safe. Find a proper home, here. [ With me, he doesn't say. Doesn't want to step too far, too fast. ]

And your own bathroom. Bathtub?

A bathtub.

( She makes it sound almost sinful. ) I mean, I showered when we first got here but I still feel like it's not quite there yet, you know? I was too worried about someone needing it more than me. But if I had a place then I wouldn't have to think about any of that. Who cares if I use up all the hot water or spend so long soaking that I go all pruney?

( Is this acceptable talk to have when into someone? She doesn't know. But it's John, she can't imagine not just baring her entire self to him. )

But okay, indulge me. Mutant halfway house aside, if you could have anything right now what would it be? Like, what do you want to get for yourself here? Because the thing is, there's a whole bunch of people around and nobody seems to be trying to shoot anyone, so you don't have to focus on just protecting people. You cab think about John Proudstar, guy in need of some stuff.

[ That sound she makes - it travels all the way down to his toes, making him warm all over. He keeps his composure - he has not trained for years and years to completely lose it the moment he falls for a girl, but it's a close call.

It's an even closer call when she talks about running out of hot water and being all pruney, because now, he's thinking about it. Imagining it. Clarice, in a bathtub, soaking the aches of the day away...

No. John. He snaps himself out of it, his eyes focusing once more and settling on Clarice. ]

I don't really need anything. [ And it's true. Because he's got everything he wants, right here in front of him, her hand curled around his own. ] But, I guess, if I could... [ He pauses for a moment, because it's a pretty frivolous answer. ] A library. Or even just a few shelves, or something. Just - I used to read a lot, when I was younger, and even when I was in Afghanistan, but in recent years, I haven't had the time. It's stupid, really.

That's not stupid.

( There's no room for arguments in her tone, Clarice tugging on his hand as they step from the dim room of the reptile enclosure. John is always putting his own feelings aside, why not his hobbies and interests too. ) I can definitely see you as a reader. ( He's intelligent, she knows that. He may look like his strength lies in his muscles and wrecking ball attitude, but there's far more to John Proudstar than even he gives himself credit for. )

What kind?

( It's another little piece in the puzzle and she's going to covet it. )

[ His smile is soft, feeling sort of embarrassed that Clarice seems so endeared by his little admission. He still feels silly about it, but she's apparently enjoying it, and it's making his stomach knot up, the way she's showing real, genuine interest in him. Not as a mutant, or a soldier, or a leader. Just John. ]

Don't mind. I like sci-fi, and thrillers. I read Lord of the Rings, too, during my first tour. I could read more fantasy. Just... anything that's not nonfiction.

[ They walk out of the building after making sure they haven't missed anything; the next enclosure is outdoors, showing grazing animals that look sort of like giraffes. ]

What about you? If you could have anything, here, what would it be?

[ She has her freedom, now; peace. She could finally do whatever she wants, gets whatever she wants. John... wants to give it to her. ]

And now you're in space! ( Except, he feels odd about being in space, so maybe that's not a link she should make. ) You're definitely better with the whole literature thing than I am. I think I read like, four of the Harry Potters? The fifth one came out just before I left the home and I never got back into it.

( She likes that he's a reader though. She can imagine him, soft and quiet, curled somewhere with a book in his hand. )

I was thinking like, a radio? ( Far more achievable than a bathtub. ) Or like a walkman or something. There's bound to be someone with that old stuff who wants it off their hands. I know we're in the age of the iPod but I don't need it to do anything fancy. I just miss music.

( Momentarily captivated by the not quite giraffes. They're the wrong colour, and she loves them already. )

Technically not. [ Thankfully. He doesn't think he'd make a good astronaut. ] I like having solid ground under my feet.

[ You know, when he's not doing running leaps into her portals, or whatever. He's a ground kind of guy, and he knows it - he knows he's not exactly exciting at the best of times, in his hobby or his lack of imagination, but that's never been what he was needed for. He isn't a creative, but he is... solid.

He wonders if Clarice will ever realize how boring he is, when he's not running around fighting everything in his path. ]

Seriously? And I'm the new-age hipster, when you'd rather have a walkman than an iPod?

[ Excuse you, Clarice Fong. ]

iPods don't do anything fancy. They just play music, Clarice. They just play more than a cassette would.

( She whips around to pull a face at him, aiming for fierce but there's no disguising the amusement in her eyes. )

It's called being practical.

( She walks a step or two backwards so she can look at him without letting go of his hand, confident she's not about to fall into an enclosure or smash into anyone. )

iPods don't come pre-loaded. Whereas a walkman you just need CDs and batteries and a shitty pair of headphones. And not hundred of dollars worth of tech. Because even if I had the cash to burn, what would I do with a computer?

( Take that, Mr. Hipster. )

[ Letting her tug him forward by their joined hands, John raises an eyebrow, all too amused by her digging her heels in. They're both stubborn, nothing surprising here, but it's still endlessly endearing, the fact that she's been thinking this through, apparently. ]

You know people do most things on computers nowadays, right? It's not practical to live in the past, Clarice.

[ His smile dims as the thought hits him. Because he believes it, with every fiber of his being, but it immediately reminds him of Sonia - what she used to say to him, and the fact that she is, herself, his past. A part of it.

He looks towards the animals enclosure, fingers squeezing Clarice's. ]

Besides, here, it's different. [ He looks back at her again, stepping closer, fingers hesitating before he brushes at her hair softly, resting his hand on her shoulder. ] It'll be different. You can have all the music you want, and on something better than 90's tech.

( It's not like she's been creating a catalogue of John Proudstar's smiles, okay. She's just spent a lot of her time watching him because he's close by. Which means she notices when his smile drops a little. Clarice makes a thoughtful noise, lets their attention be dragged back by the animals. )

Okay, fine. Then when I get an apartment sorted out I might focus on a laptop. I hope you're fully prepared for me narrating our lives with terrible playlists. How do you feel about the Backstreet Boys? ( She's not serious, she just wants to --.

To make things better. )

Or Blink 182. I can still probably remember the lyrics.

[ He cringes at the Backstreet Boys - she can listen to whatever she wants, but damn. Still, he can tell she's teasing, and so is he, as they move along, finding themselves in front of what looks very much like Earth's penguins, only they seem to be perfectly content in a warmer climate. As they stop, John moves until he's standing behind Clarice, his arm wrapping around her front, resting against her collarbones. ]

My go-to is Iron Maiden, if that helps tell you how I fell about the Backstreet Boys.

[ He smiles, his cheek against her hair. ]

We might never be able to go on a date to a concert together.

Ugh, fine. I'll maybe add a bit of Wasted Years to the mixtape. Just because I like you.

( He's so careful, when he moves, gentle and warm as he wraps an arm around her, presses his face to her hair. It's so ridiculously sweet that it makes her pulse skip a beat, a soft, silly smile crossing her lips. It's probably for the best he can't see it. )

I like Slipknot anyway.

( She just picks up ridiculous music from time to time. Clarice leans back against him a little, snorting when one of the penguins does a flop and slide right into the water. They're cute. )

See, they definitely have the right colour scheme going on. Goth birds.

[ John lets out a tiny noise of appreciation at the song she picks, smiling to himself, half hidden in her hair. ]

Hmm. Maybe I'll make you a mixtape. Just because I like you.

[ Why not act like a teenager when she makes him feel like one? It makes sense to him. It's so strange, the fact that they're talking about heavy metal, the angriest kind of music John can think of, while he's holding her with all the gentleness he can muster.

Which, he knows, is actually a lot. ]

Slipknot's not bad. Bit too screamo for me. You ever heard of Five Finger Death Punch?

[ John smiles at the animals' antics, pulling Clarice impossibly closer when she leans into him. ]

You think they listen to Metallica when we're not looking?

Nope. But they definitely sound pleasant.

( John is amazing. He likes the kind of music that would make people afraid, and yet he's gentle and sweet and so very kind. )

I've never had a mixtape made for me.

( She strokes her fingertips over the arm he has wrapped around her, feeling more relaxed than she ever has in a long time. ) But maybe you should tell me which songs to listen to. So if you do want to go to a heavy metal concert then I'll be well prepared.

( Because she loves him. Any dates are good dates. )

[ He's never had a mixtape made for him either, but suddenly it's all he wants to do - make a list of songs for her to listen to, seen the look on her face as she does. Would she love it? Hate it? He knows his taste in music is niche, but he has a feeling Clarice would appreciate it. The two of them are not really... typical, after all. ]

I'll make you a list. And if we ever go to a heavy metal concert together, a tip? Stay close to me. Wouldn't want you getting trampled in a moshpit.

[ From where he stands, he can feel the shape of her ear against the side of his face, and it makes him smile, press a fraction closer as he starts talking again. ]

When I was a teen, I'd go to these metal nights. My powers were still growing and I wasn't good at controlling them, but I got a kick out of barging in the middle of moshpits and just stand there while people smashed into me, trying to move me.

[ Teenage John was a little shit. ]

( She laughs at that, a little louder than usual, freer too. ) An immovable object, huh?

( Humming thoughtfully, Clarice is radiating amusement like it's something physical. Her limbs are loose, her voice relaxed, smile helpless. It only widens when she turns in the circle of his arms, a hand pressed against his chest like she's testing that theory out. )

See, I knew there was a wild side hiding in there somewhere. ( She tips her chin up a little, eyes tracing the shape of his face. He's beautiful, and the wave of fondness and affection that flows through her is getting stronger by the second. But, they're being careful, taking it slow and so instead of kissing him senseless like she wants to she just takes a step back, grabs his hand. )

Come on, I think the otters have a habitat around the corner. Sometimes I'd hang out in libraries with free wifi and watch dumb animal clips and they are seriously cute.

[ That moment, right there. That moment where she was looking at him, a hand on his chest, felt like time had stilled as he looked right back. That moment - it was important, in an intimate, affectionate way, the two of them opening up to each other. He hasn't had much of a chance before now, to tell her about who he used to be, how he grew up.

It takes all of his self-control not to lean in and kiss her. He wants to, so badly he aches with it - he wants to pull her to him tight and dip her and kiss her like in all the romantic movies he's not actually seen. He wants to be everything she wants, in all the ways she needs. Which is why he doesn't kiss her, right now - lets her take his hand, break the spell, pull him towards the otters. He wants to be what she needs. ]

For James' 6th birthday, my dad took us to the Phoenix aquarium, and he got to feed some otters. I still think he'd pick it as the best day of his life.

( Clarice knows she's going to collect these little snapshots of John for the rest of their time together. When he talks she gives him her undivided attention, features soft and sweet. )

That sounds amazing. ( It does. And then, careful but still casual. ) Who's James?

( Someone he grew up with, she knows that much. But she never assumes these things. The world is strange and random. She knows that. Stopping by the enclosure, Clarice leans forward a little on her toes, trying to spot one of them. )

[ His hand squeezes hers, touch still gentle. ]

Oh, he's my little brother.

[ He knows he's rarely said the name while in the Underground, either too busy, or too worried that he could get James in any kind of trouble. It was better if nobody ever thought that John had a life, outside of what he was doing. It made sense. Kinda like teachers, when you're growing up.

But it's different here and now, and especially with Clarice. ]

He's a mutant, too. Same powers as me, just stronger. But he's... doing his own thing.

[ As in, John doesn't know where James is, right now. ]

( She strokes her thumb across the back of his hand without thinking about it. Clarice doesn't have to know the whole story to know that John must have been worried about his brother the entire time. He's like that. )

Were your parents mutants?

( Clarice keeps her tone gentle. He doesn't have to give up anything more than he wants to. But she wants to know him. )

I bet that was weird though, both of you having the same powers.

No, they weren't.

[ John pauses as they reach the otters, smiling as they splash around, playing together. Otters are cute. ]

You'd think they were, but no. We both take after them a lot - I'm a lot like our dad, and James' a lot more like mom. But that, the powers? It was all just us. And yeah, I guess when they first started showing in James, it became sort of strange, but mainly we were just... boys, about it. Had contests about how big a car we could lift, how fast we could race, that kind of stuff. He always won.

( There's something charming about the story. Maybe it's because John so rarely shares, and having him open up now is special. Maybe it's because she's seen how he acts with Marcos, knows the kind of man he is around the people he cares about. Maybe it's just because they had car lifting competitions. Either way, when she laughs it's amused, leaning her shoulder against his. )

I mean, yeah. That's definitely boy stuff. ( Another huff of laughter. ) Don't worry. You're still my favourite badass.

( John's powers are impressive, sure. But they're not what define him. He'd still be the same man without them, and that's who she likes. )

Hey, did you know otters hold hands with each other? So they don't get separated when they're sleeping or eating. I think it's called a raft.

( ANIMAL FACTS WITH CLARICE FONG. )

[ His chuckle is soft, amused. ]

Well, you haven't met my brother yet.

[ Hopefully, James' prickly nature - worse than John's - would mean that he'd still be the favored Proudstar, but you never know. They can both be very charming, when they want to. Especially when it's to one-up the other.

Still, he's please and warmed up by her words, and he's pretty sure she means it that she likes him for him, which is one of these things that strikes him, when he's with Clarice. It's never about what he can do. And he should have let her know earlier that he felt the same way, but instead, he'd let her believe he mostly cared for her power set. It'd been easier.

But now he knows, with or without her powers, Clarice is who he wants to be with, and around. ]

What? That's so cute. Do you think they have favorite otters they hold hands with?

( She wants to, is the thing. Not so that she can weight the two of them up against each other, but so that she can see who John was before all of this. She knows he's been strong, that he's always been a fighter, but he sounds fond of his memories, of his family, and Clarice doesn't know what that looks like. )

Yeah. And if science tries to disprove me of this theory then I'm gonna be pissed. If I were an otter, I'd want to hold my buddy otter's hand and not, you know, the weird otter of the family.

( Then, as if struck by inspiration. )

Also, they have pockets that they store rocks in, which is cool because they know to use them as tools. ( Wait, this is nerdy. Clarice ducks her head, tucks her hair behind her ear. ) I watched a documentary on it once. It was playing in a waiting room. I guess I just retained the info.

[ John looks at Clarice, a crazy thought flashing through his brain, of him wishing he could give her a family. That maybe, one day, he'll get to. That he can be that guy for her.

It's gone as quick as it comes, but it feels like it shot right through and pierced the skin, burrowed right under, in a space in his chest that feels dangerously close to his heart. ]

The weird otter of the family? What, like the drunk uncle?

[ She's so cute, he can hardly stand it. And that's not usually the kind of thought John Proudstar has, but he's fit to burst with how much he just wants to hold Clarice close, and protect her from everything.

When she ducks her head, John reaches out, tilting her chin back up. ]

If you're embarrassed, don't be. The way you care so much about everything around you, it's so... [ He pauses, now finding himself to be the embarrassed one. ] It's beautiful.

[ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

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