riverviewlogs | [ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

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[ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

who: Clarice Fong & John Proudstar
what: Two grown mutants try ( and probably fail ) to talk about their feelings in an adult manner.
when: Feb 10th.
where: Community housing.
warnings: n/a, unless you get second hand embarrassment from idiots in love.

( She's tried to leave it be, she really has, but the more the days pass, the more impossible it becomes. Clarice finds herself looking for John at the weirdest of times, hoping to catch his gaze or fire a smirk his way. And every time she remembers he's not actually there. It's weird that she still lives with all these people and yet he's floors away. Giving him space had been a good idea at first, but she can't stop part of her aching to be near him.

They probably need to talk. No, scratch that, they definitely need to talk. About everything, really. But she can still remember the feeling of his mouth against hers, the small helpless smile he'd given her after. It feels selfish to want to know how he feels about that, but maybe she's allowed to be selfish now. She's given up on enough, she doesn't want to give up on this.

( Except, she's terrified he'll say no, that they'll go back to that awkward tense space they'd occupied for so long. )

Which is why she comes armed as she heads to his dorm. He's not on shift - she checked, don't judge her - and when she moves into the common space she's got a cheery smile on her face. John's alone, which is good, and she's hoping the look of surprise on his face isn't a bad sign. )

I didn't know if you were a sweet or savoury kind of guy, so.

( Holding up a bag of chips in one hand and a pack of sugary looking donuts in the other. ) I couldn't find jelly. I'm so gonna have to lodge a complaint.

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[ It's not that he's trying to hide away when he's not on shift - he hasn't been. But there are times where everything overwhelms him, still, and finding a little time to be on his own, to collect himself, his own thoughts, and make some plans. He's not ignoring, or avoiding anyone, either. It's difficult, to look around and not recognize everyone, to carry the usual command he used to back home. He's starting new, here.

He could be starting new with Clarice, too.

He's trying to allow her some space. He's trying to give her a chance to live the life she can live, now, free of prejudice. He's trying not to pressure her, or push her into anything. Even if he can't stop thinking about her, looking around for her when he's out and about in the Quarantine, hoping they'll bump into each other. It's a hard line to walk.

He's surprised when she shows up on his dorm floor, and he's sure it shows. His heart immediately picks up speed, as he puts his book down and stands, smiling ruefully. ]

I wouldn't want to take donuts away from you. You might attack me.

Maybe I'd share. ( Her smile is sweeter then, something private and amused in the curve of her lips. She already feels better now that she can see him, now that she can be near him. It's stupid, she should be better than this. But Clarice definitely can't control her feelings. Life would be so much easier if she could.

It's hard not to reach out for him when he stands, so she forces herself to cross the room and drop the goods on his desk, tugging free his chair so she can sit on it. It's brazen, in a way, but she can at least pretend everything's normal. That nothing has changed. ) Because I am a good person who does not fist fight over donuts. ( Because she likes him. )

What are you reading? Something enlightening?

Because you know you wouldn't win against me.

[ Even if he didn't fight back, fist fighting John is a bit of a lost cause for most people, and she knows it. But she is a good person, and so he nods, his smile turning a little crooked as he sits back down on his bed, fingers drumming over the book he'd been reading. ]

Just something about the culture and traditions of this place.

[ He reaches out for the bag of chips, pulling a couple out but not eating them just yet, looking at Clarice instead, more serious now. ]

You're doing okay?

You know, anyone else and that cocky attitude of yours would be annoying.

( Clarice pulls one leg up to rest her heel on the edge of her seat, wrapping an arm around her knee. The other foot hooks against the bottom rung of his bunk, looking very much at ease. )

Yeah. I mean, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the whole thing, but so far so good. How's guarding treating you?

( Pleasantries. It feels a little weird to be able to talk about nothing. But it's nice too. They're actually sharing space without someone trying to kill them. )

[ He chuckles, shrugging a shoulder. ]

Is it cockiness, or confidence?

[ John runs a hand through his hair, loose and getting possibly a bit too long now. It's strange to not feel like every word is life or death, something he's still getting used to. ]

It's weird, not to be in charge anymore, but I'm glad I'm doing something.

[ He pauses, resting his elbows on his knees and looking up at her. ]

I know I've not been around much.

Both?

( It's definitely confidence. He's easy about his power, he knows what he can do. She'd been envious of that at first, now she's kind of charmed by it. )

It's cool. We're not in each other's pockets anymore. You're allowed your space.

( A loose shrug. She's trying her very best to be easy about this. ) I've been exploring anyway. Learning the routes. ( Finding the places she'll need to visualise eventually. ) But I thought I'd check up on you anyway. Make sure you weren't boring yourself to death.

[ She's trying to be cool about it, but John definitely isn't. He fidgets, fingers digging into his knees as his eyes track over her face, trying to see if he's missing anything. ]

It's not - I mean, it's cool, you've been busy. But it's not about wanting space, Clarice.

[ There's longing in the way he says her name, and he closes his mouth, looking away for a second. ]

I'm okay. I really am. [ I miss you. ]

Oh.

( She makes an abortive movement, a full bodied twitch like she's going to reach out for him. )

I'm not busy now?

( Her voice lifts slightly at the end, something far more honest and hopeful about it. He's looking at her like he's been looking at her, which means he probably still wants ... this. Whatever this is. )

Actually, I was thinking, there's no one here, and we're not working so maybe we could talk?

[ His mouth runs dry. This is what he wants, he knows this is what he wants, but it's so difficult. There's so much - or at least, there was so much going on, it's hard to think of the two of them being able to just be together. For it to be easy. ]

Yeah?

[ He's not a coward, by any means. But he wants to hear what Clarice has to say. ]

That'd be good. [ An opening. ]

( There's so much they need to discuss. What happened with Lorna, the loss of their base, the fact that their war is about to become so much worse. But Clarice doesn't mention any of that. Instead she lets her foot drop back to the floor, takes a breath. )

So, we kissed.

( She exhales nosily, so obviously trying to do this right. It was easier when she just went for it. )

And I know everything kind of blew up in our faces after that, but there's like, so much time here. I keep thinking about it. And you. And how I feel about you. I know I'm probably -- I don't know. Maybe it's not fair of me to want to know, but I just --. ( Throwing her hands up. ) I want to do it again.

[ He bites on the inside of his lip as he listens, color coming up to his cheeks that she'd pick this as a starting point. It shouldn't surprise him - she's blunt and she wants in ways John hasn't allowed himself in so long, it doesn't come naturally to him anymore.

He waits for her to be done before leaning back a little, licking his lips as he keeps his eyes trained on Clarice. ]

For the longest time, I've told myself I couldn't - do this. Relationships. That what I'm feeling doesn't matter, not when everything else was going on. But then, you kissed me. And despite everything else, I kept on thinking about it, going back to it.

[ Sonia was the one to mention that all they have is here and now. ]

And now we're here, and I'm thinking that maybe, now you're free to meet anyone, not just the guy you ended up stuck with in a world that doesn't want either of us. Which is why I've kept my distances. But I'm still thinking about it.

( He licks his lips and a bolt of pure want strikes through her stomach. It's replaced by confusion, her face a mask of incredulity. )

Are you joking right now?

( There's nothing stuck about how she feels for John, and the sharp look on her face clearly states she thinks he's an idiot. )

You're serious. You actually think I'd be like, 'cool nobody's repulsed by me now, see you later?' ( A soft, scoffing noise. ) You weren't an easy choice. You were probably the worst choice. And if I wanted it to be convenient I wouldn't have chosen someone who thinks The Cause matters more than his own feelings. I'm not --. ( She likes him. She probably loves him. She's just so scared to voice that. But she wants to give them the space to try. )

I'm not here because I think this'd be a quick fix for my loneliness, John.

[ The words she throws back at him make him wince. It wasn't what he'd meant, but he seemed to always be able to say the wrong thing to Clarice. To make things worse.

He runs a hand over his face, covering his mouth for a moment as he tries to find out what to say. It takes him a while, but finally: ]

I'm glad you chose me. [ His voice is soft, his eyes cast down, hair falling around his face. Because he is. ] And, for what it's worth, I think - [ A pause. ] I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

[ And it's so absolutely sincere it makes his guts clench. His voice stays soft and curious when he speaks next. ]

Then why are you here?

( He's too much. Clarice would be angry at anyone else. But John just, he's trying and she knows it. They live difficult lives, things like love and wanting don't always have the space there. )

Because I want to try.

( With a small smile. ) I wouldn't bring donuts for anyone, okay? ( She has to joke, she can't help it. ) I don't know how to say it. I just want to give us a chance. I've missed you. It's kind of ridiculous actually.

[ He lets out a breath, bringing his hands together in front of him, in that way he tends to do when he's thinking, when there's a lot on his mind and he's trying to make sense of it all. ]

I've missed you too.

[ he wants to reach out again. Hold her close, and not let go. ]

I'd like that. Because I - I like you. [ A lot. Love you, probably. ] I just don't want to ruin everything by rushing it, I guess.

So, we date?

( It's halting and unsure. They've not lived normal lives. John was a war veteran and a mutant leader, Clarice has been on the run for years. )

Can we date? Like, I don't know. We could try. We could do something together.

( It's harder to be in love and then go backwards, she's kind of at a loss. Even if she's not ready to admit half of it. )

[ At her tone, he has to laugh again, gentle and kind, deeply fond. The idea of dating Clarice makes his heart go into overdrive. Getting to do it all, when he hasn't done it in years... It'll some more adjusting. ]

Yes. I'd like to. If you - would you like to? Go out with me?

[ He knows the question is a formality, but he still asks. He might as well try and do it all the right way. He hasn't dated anyone, properly, in years. Hooking up with Sonia had been, well. Just that. ]

I've got to admit, I'm - very rusty. I haven't dated in a long time.

( Is she blushing? She's probably blushing. )

I mean, obviously. ( Rolling her eyes comically. ) I thought about sending you a note that said 'do you like me yes/no' but I figured that would be pushing it. Anyway, the last date I was on the Purifiers torched my car, I think we'll be okay.

( It's so blasé, but when she smiles it's real. )

[ She might be blushing, and it's so pretty. The smile on her face is just so beautiful, he can't actually keep himself from moving to the very edge of his bed, to reach out, brushing fingers down her cheek.

At least her bar is low. He can only give her a better experience. ]

I'll be better than that.

( Turning her cheek into his touch. )

You already are.

( She's leaning forward, her gaze dropping to his mouth before springing back up. )

Can I kiss you? I want to.

[ He's pretty sure that usually, it's the guy that asks that. And he feels stupid, wanting to say that it's not really the way dating is supposed to go, that it's not the order things go in, but.

It's not like they've ever done things in order anyway. So instead of answering, he tugs her to him, slanting his lips against hers when she's close enough, soft and chaste. Like a promise, but full of pent-up emotions and time wasted.

He doesn't pull away for a long time. ]

( He tugs her to him and Clarice goes, lifting from the chair before she's overcome by the kiss itself. She ends up leaning over him, then pressing her knees to his mattress, half hovering. Making a noise, Clarice is insistent and wanting, her hands going to his hair to curl her fingers in the loose locks. )

John.

( Her sigh is soft, an exhale that is so fond even as she settles into his lap. )

[ John tilts his head to her, leaning back as she moves closer, as one of his hands curl around her waist, letting the kiss grow long, deeper, even as it stays gentle.

When she breaks the kiss and straddles him, it's hard for John to keep himself from hissing loudly. ]

This isn't what I'd call taking it slow...

( Fuck slow. )

Ugh.

( Clarice lets out a breathy half noise, resting her forehead against his for a moment. He's solid and strong beneath her and she wants to chase his mouth with her own, she wants to find the places she can touch that might make him shiver. She wants in ways she hasn't been allowing herself before.

But, she doesn't want to wreck this. She doesn't want to fuck it up. ) Yeah, okay.

( With a huff, Clarice slides free from his space, but this time she sits on his bed beside him, pulling her legs up to cross them. She's smiling a little, eyes flickering over his face. )

[ It feels like the most difficult thing to do, to let her slip out of his hold and not reach out again, to keep a respectful distance between them. But he's the one who's asking for it, and he can't contradict himself so quickly. There's so much he has to prove to her - that this isn't just a physical thing, and that he can be good to her, without everything exploding around them. Without the fight pushing them together.

He chuckles, tucking hair behind his ear. ]

So you want to get some more training in, soon?

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[ closed. ] 'cause it's once, just once in a lifetime

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