Eddie Thawne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
causational) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2017-04-20 05:12 pm
causational) wrote in riverviewlogs2017-04-20 05:12 pm
open ✪ i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know
who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: rainbow fireflies, catch-all; open prompts under the cut
when: april 20th forward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: tba in subject lines
✪ i. riverwoof pet café
I am also open to honest orange firefly bites, or lustful red firefly bites, but would like to plan those out a bit first, so hit me up in PM or at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
caffemisto to figure it out.
what: rainbow fireflies, catch-all; open prompts under the cut
when: april 20th forward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: tba in subject lines
✪ i. riverwoof pet café
[Eddie has owned more cats than dogs, but that's mostly down to cats being a bit easier to maintain - it isn't that he likes them more. And sure, he'd asked about cats on the network post he'd replied to about this place, and he's interested in adopting one...but he definitely loves dogs. They're so cheerful and friendly, they love so unconditionally in a way that makes Eddie feel at ease.✪ ii. rainbow bite
So here he is, carrying a strong americano with a bit of cream and sugar-free-vanilla that tastes way better than the sugar-free-vanilla at home, wandering among the seats and trying to find an empty one while he tries to decide which dog he wants to pet first.]
Oh...excuse me, do you mind if I share this space?
[It's said pleasantly enough to the person occupying the other half of the only table with an empty spot in the place. Well. At least it's doing good business.]
Eddie is going to be out and about around the city, both on the job as a police officer and off-duty. He frequents bars, coffee shops, outdoor markets, clubs to dance at, and anywhere you can get a good craft beer or weird street food.I know these prompts are either vague or very limited, and I don't wanna make you do all the work, so feel free to just set your character up in an open space (optionally drop your preferred firefly colour in the subject line) and I'll approach with Eddie.
While out and about, he might get bitten by fireflies:
✪ YELLOW: Eddie is not one to give in to fear, but he definitely feels it. This firefly will make him a bit jumpy and paranoid, looking over his shoulder a lot.
✪ GREEN: Eddie is not a naturally jealous or envious person, so if he gets bitten by one of these, it'll wear off fast. But not fast enough to stop him from asking for a bite of whatever you're eating, because it looks delicious...
✪ BLUE: Eddie is carrying a lot of grief and loneliness that he's hiding very comfortably under happiness. While he's still good at hiding it if he's bitten, if you run into him at a bar or when he's had a beer, he'll look off-kilter and upset and be more open to talking about sad stuff. CW: The blue firefly will probably come with talk of his death by suicide.
✪ PURPLE: Eddie's already an affectionate person by nature, and he has zero interest in hiding it, so if you so much as chat with him he'll probably end up giving you shoulder squeezes, hugs, and more depending on how real the conversation gets.
I am also open to honest orange firefly bites, or lustful red firefly bites, but would like to plan those out a bit first, so hit me up in PM or at
no subject
They really did bring all sorts of folks here, huh? Is there even a rink in town?
[ He nods in response to Eddie's suggestion that Caitlin can help with the fireflies if they are fireflies - she isn't an expert on bugs, either, but she has a lot of training in DNA and biology that Cisco is lacking. Besides, he's gotten used to working with her again, after she'd come back to S.T.A.R. Labs. It's much preferable to working on his own.
Cisco starts a little when Eddie tugs his sleeve, but then he looks in the direction Eddie is pointing, and a soft look of happiness and wonder comes over his face. ]
Yeah. Yeah... it is.
[ And right then he's glad he brought Eddie - not just because he isn't worrying about being out alone at night, but also because he doesn't have a whole lot of people in his life who point things like that out. He kind of likes it.
Cisco and Eddie head in the direction of the fireflies; Cisco hands over the butterfly net to Eddie and then sets down his bag on a tree stump, walking into some tall grass with his hands outstretched, reaching out for fireflies and trapping them between his cupped hands. He captures them one by one, transferring them into the jar. He and Eddie stay within the same area, and after a few minutes Cisco calls over: ]
Got any?
no subject
There is, yeah. And besides the yelling, it's actually pretty great. We have really similar schedules because of his training and stuff, so we get up and have breakfast together then go to the gym or wherever at the same time.
[Eddie shrugs, giving Cisco a little grin that softens as their attention shifts to the sky and the fireflies. There's something soft about Cisco's voice when they're looking at the sky and stars and fireflies that Eddie likes, and he takes a deep breath, lets it out slowly before they're moving on to catch flies. Taking the net from Cisco, he heads out into the grass himself, and catches them, one by one, careful not to hurt their wings or bruise their glowing abdomens. When Cisco calls to him, he's halfway through carefully trying to siphon an orange one into his jar, and he startles a little.
The firefly darts away, bites him hard on the back of the hand, and he jumps a bit, hissing through his teeth and lifting the bite to his mouth, sucking at it for a moment, brows furrowed. Shaking his head, he glances up.]
Sorry, yeah. I have a few blue, red, and green. The orange one just got away, but it bit me. I didn't know fireflies bite.
no subject
Eddie and Cisco hadn't had a whole lot of interactions, and those they had had were pretty far removed from the mundane details of day-to-day life. Eddie had been one of the police officers there that night Dr. Wells tricked them into setting up the bogus trap with the tachyon device. He'd been a victim of Barry's Rainbow Raider-induced rage. He'd been around when Barry proposed using Cisco as the bait in their next failed trap, and then he'd been kidnapped and then rescued from S.T.A.R. Labs. And, well, there was the death thing, too. But none of that really made him seem like, well, just an ordinary guy. It's weird, trying to reframe his thinking and see Eddie in that way.
These are the thoughts going through Cisco's mind as he hunts for fireflies, listening to the soft sounds of Eddie doing the same. Eddie's response to his inquiry makes Cisco stop going after the fireflies to look over, expression baffled. ]
Bit you? Naw, man. Fireflies definitely don't do that. Or sting. Or anything. At least... the ones on our Earth don't.
[ Cisco walks over to Eddie, a little concern creeping into his bemused expression. He makes a little 'show me' gesture and then looks at the place on Eddie's hand where there is a very tiny welt that looks not all that different from a fresh mosquito bite. ]
Verrrrrry fishy. Maybe I shoulda brought gloves. Does it itch or anything?
no subject
In this strange place, so far from home, still grieving over his own life, facing down the prospect of having to start from scratch and build a whole new existence for himself, it feels nice to have something so familiar and warm. Even if he'd never been close with Cisco, it feels like a nice dose of stability and familiarity to be immersed in all this weirdness with him.
When Cisco says that fireflies don't bite, Eddie wrinkles his nose and shows the younger man the wound without hesitation. Cisco looks it over, a little puzzled, looking a little concerned, and Eddie shrugs.]
I mean, it stings a little bit, but it doesn't hurt. It doesn't feel too serious? I don't feel weird. Not really.
[And it's true, though his hand is tingling just a little and he feels a bit warmer than he did before, but Eddie opts not to mention that, so he doesn't worry Cisco. Or, at least, he thinks he does.]
I mean, I guess my fingers feel kind of numb and my hand is warm...
[Why did he say that out loud again? Eddie's definitely positively really sure he didn't mean to.]
no subject
Uh... that doesn't sound too bad, I guess. Just, um. If they get any number, lemme know and I'll call Caitlin and see what she thinks. That's usually my go-to when I may have poisoned myself or y'know, that kind of thing.
[ Cisco goes back to scooping fireflies from the air and into jars, but he does so close to Eddie, casting little sidelong looks at him once or twice, keeping an eye on him - not quite worried, yet, but wary at least. ]
I dunno about you but I'm definitely glad she's here. It's a little harder to hate doctors and totally avoid them when one of 'em's your best friend, know what I mean.
no subject
No, it's okay. Even if it gets worse, I don't want to bother her. You know? I doubt it's poison.
[Carefully guiding one of the red fireflies into the jar, he then turns his attention to the swarm - his eyes linger on the orange ones, curious about them, now that he's been bitten by one. But when he swipes his net through the swarm, he goes for a yellow one, and guides it into the jar. After a moment, he shrugs.]
I've never really been scared of doctors, but yeah, I mean. It's nice to have people here that I know, who kind of know me, a little. I've never been really good at making friends, so having somewhere to start is...
[He trails off, his eyes widening, his cheeks going pink abruptly. Why that came out, he doesn't know, he just sort of...said what was on his mind in a way he usually doesn't. Usually, Eddie thinks about what he's saying before saying it, he plans his words so he doesn't make an idiot of himself. Quickly, he tries to change the topic to something less awkward.]
Oh? I thought Barry was your best friend?
[Not less awkward. Way to go, Eddie.]
no subject
[ Cisco says that a little wryly, with a lift to his eyebrows that makes it clear he knows this from experience. As confident as he had been that he would be able to catch the fireflies by hand, Eddie is much more efficient at it. Cisco's hesitating a little too much now, knowing they might bite or sting or whatever. But he doesn't need hundreds of them, just enough to study. And it's pleasant, catching a few and talking to Eddie and just getting out of the communal housing building. ]
You've never been good at making friends?
[ There's a lightness and disbelief in the way that Cisco asks it that indicates he thinks Eddie isn't being serious, that it was a joke delivered in excellent deadpan. But then, when Eddie doesn't immediately laugh or admit it or follow up, Cisco turns to look at him. The sky is growing dimmer but there's no mistaking the look of total sincerity on Eddie's face, and Cisco's smile falters. He thinks back on their few interactions outside S.T.A.R. Labs and... it's true, he'd only really ever seen Eddie around Iris. Cisco had just assumed they were one of those couples who were joined at the hip, but maybe a part of it had been that Eddie didn't have lots of other people to spend time with. ]
That's crazy, man. I mean I know we don't know each other super well but you never seemed shy to me. Or like a dick, or anything.
[ That would make it hard to keep friends, rather than make them, but it's the same general idea. And Eddie's attempt to redirect the conversation isn't terribly effective; Cisco waves it away easily with a quick: ]
Best friend is a tier, man. Besides, I mean, I love Barry, but me and Caitlin go way back.
no subject
[It isn't how he'd normally word it, and it's starting to dawn on him a little that something isn't right. That he wouldn't normally be talking as easily and with as little thought and in the same way that he is right now. But it isn't quite enough to register that it's connected to the bite or the almost pleasant tingling that's spreading through his hand and arm from the site of the bite.
And it doesn't help the logic of his thought process when Cisco repeats what he said in that incredulous way, his brows raising, looking disbelieving. Eddie isn't sure if the fact that he blurted that out, or the fact that Cisco's face goes from an incredulous smile to an expression of realization so quickly is more embarrassing. In fact, he feels a flush of acute humiliation wash through him as Cisco says that he's never seemed shy or like a dick.]
I'm not. [Eddie protests it, lifting his gaze a little.] A dick, I mean. Or at least, I try not to be. I probably am sometimes. And I wouldn't say I'm shy, more like awkward, I guess.
[And this is when he starts to really realize that there's something wrong, that what he means to say and what he's saying is not the same thing. Cheeks bright pink, he puts his hand over his mouth and bites his lower lip, eyes a little wide as he looks at Cisco. He completely misses what Cisco said about Caitlin under the dawning realization and the embarrassment.]
Oh my god. I think something about that bite made it so I can't...like...
[Eddie gestures vaguely, brows furrowing in mild frustration.]
...lie isn't the right word, maybe...not make an idiot of myself?
no subject
But any further speculation about the layers of complexity underneath the shiny public image of Detective Eddie Thawne gets cut off when he starts talking about the bite again, saying it made it impossible for him to lie. Or, it sounds like, be anything other than completely honest.
Cisco just stares for a moment as the words sink in, and then, without another word, releases the fireflies he had cupped between his hands at that moment, pulls his sleeves down over his hands, and reaches back a moment later to tug his hood over his head and then tighten the drawstrings so only his face is showing. The intent behind these actions is clear - he believes Eddie, and has absolutely no interest in being stung, himself. Cisco has way too many volatile secrets to risk it.
Unfortunately, these precautions have exactly the opposite effect than Cisco intended. As soon as he tightens the hoodie, he releases the drawstrings with a loud, shocked: ]
Ow! Ow!!
[ He pulls the hood back down again, shakes out his hair with a kind of frantic urgency. Two fireflies zoom away - one yellow, the other violet. Cisco presses a hand over his neck where, sure enough, two little pinpricks of red are standing out. It's clear what must have happened; there had been fireflies clinging to his hair, and when he'd pulled up his hood, he'd trapped them, and they had stung him in fright. And now he definitely feels what Eddie had been describing - a numb feeling, mixed with a sort of tingling, like the blood rushing back into your hand or foot after it's fallen asleep. ]
Fuck me. We should go inside. Uh- now. Before this escalates.
no subject
But there's something about this firefly bite that, he thinks, is stopping him from being able to take his time to think before he speaks. Stops him from being able to consider things and make sure he's not making himself look stupid before he lets the words out. For a moment, he hesitates, uncomfortable and uncertain and wanting to stay silent until he figures out what's going on, while Cisco starts immediately trying to cover up and then bursts out with two large shouts of pain.]
Oh my god, are you okay?
[Eddie steps forward, looks at the red marks on Cisco's neck as the younger man pulls his hair away from his neck. Leaning in, Eddie peers at it until Cisco presses his hand over the wound, and licks his lips.]
Well, it doesn't look really physically serious, at least. Just like little mosquito bites. And, anyway, if you get the honesty thing, I at least...probably know your biggest secret? About Barry?
[Eddie bites his inner lip, and nods, trying to keep his mouth shut, reaching out to tug at Cisco's sleeve and head toward the apartments.]
Let's go to my apartment. We can sit in my room until it passes. At least I have a door to close...
no subject
Hopefully. ]
Barry?!
[ It doesn't take a firefly sting to make the surprise in that question all too clear; Cisco has got no idea what on Earth Eddie is talking about. It never occurs to him that Eddie might think Barry being the Flash is somehow Cisco's biggest secret. Instead, his brain tries to grasp at possibilities. Does Eddie think that Cisco secretly loves Barry? Secretly hates him? Secretly envies him? All of those options seem equally ludicrous to Cisco. ]
What d'you mean?
[ If he stopped to think, he would realize that asking Eddie questions right now isn't exactly fair - if he's compelled to answer honestly, that puts Cisco at a really unfair advantage. But his neck stings and he's worried about poison and being whammied into spilling that he's a meta (which is by far the worse option of the two) and so he doesn't think the ethical implications of the question through.
He follows after Eddie, letting himself be tugged along, watching the swirl of fireflies around them warily. Fortunately, they hadn't gotten too far away from the housing building. Cisco is glad for Eddie's offer: his room is probably a lot more private than Cisco's and in the awful event that he is effected by the firefly sting, he wants to keep the situation as contained as possible. ]
no subject
You know. About him being...you know.
[It comes out lamely, but Eddie still makes an expression indicating that he's alluding to something he's not saying. That should...hopefully...make it clear enough, because even if Barry isn't here, Eddie doesn't want to pre-emptively out him or anything, just in case.]
If I was going to tell my biggest secret, that'd probably be it, you know?
[Eddie doesn't have secrets. Not really. So for the moment, it doesn't register that it might be unfair for Cisco to ask him questions, because he can't really think of anything he'd hide from people. More than anything, he's concerned about looking stupid. Once they're on his floor, Eddie unlocks the door to his apartment and gestures for Cisco to head inside, following him in and calling for Yuri. Getting no response, he sighs in relief and heads into his room.
It isn't much, just a single bed, desk, and small dresser and closet, but it's private, at least. Eddie gestures vaguely at the bed and desk.]
So are you...feeling anything different than usual?
no subject
[ Cisco offers the words with a half-grin; he's certain what Eddie was referring to, now, but it's still funny to hear him talking around it as if it's some kind of bad word. It makes sense, in a way, that Eddie wouldn't be as used to talking openly about Barry's superhero identity. For Eddie, the secret had only been revealed a little while ago - Cisco has known him for months and months, and never really knew Barry without knowing him as the Flash. He'd had who knows how many conversations with people about Barry being the Flash - with Joe, with Barry himself, with Caitlin, with Dr. Wells. It isn't something he has any trouble talking about.
When Eddie says that that would be his biggest secret, Cisco does an actual double take of surprise. ]
Wait, for real?
[ He doesn't mean to react so strongly, but it's kind of a shocking thing to hear - which probably says a lot about Cisco, and how he lives his life compared with Eddie. Eddie's biggest secret is about someone else; Cisco doesn't think Barry's identity even ranks in his top ten secrets. Of course, he doesn't go blabbing it around, but Cisco doesn't think of it as a secret in the same way that other things are secrets. It's not personal. It's not shameful.
When Eddie shows him into his room, Cisco looks around, eyes moving between the bed and the desk. It's... small. A little claustrophobic. Cisco feels a prickle of unease when Eddie shuts the door behind them, which is kind of weird, but he ignores it. He briefly considers the bed before making a beeline for the desk, perching on the chair and turning it to face the bed so that Eddie can sit there and they can converse.
The fact that Eddie doesn't have any other secrets more serious than that is somehow, weirdly, endearing to Cisco. He feels oddly like laughing, but holds it back. Is there really anyone out there who is that honest?
Normally, Cisco would wonder a tiny bit if Eddie were maybe stretching the truth. Sometimes it was the people who said they had no secrets who ended up having the most. Considering what he said the firefly sting had done... well, it has to be true, doesn't it? Unless the firefly sting didn't make Eddie honest at all, and Eddie is a much better actor than Cisco gives him credit for.
That thought makes Cisco's throat feel a little tight; you couldn't trust anybody, after all. Not even the ones who seemed good. Cisco has had his "fool me once, shame on you" and doesn't want to add a "fool me twice, shame on me". He shifts in his chair and almost misses the question Eddie asks; when his reply comes it's a little too fast to seem totally natural: ]
No! No, everything's good...
no subject
[Despite everything that's happened, despite his death, despite the fact that Eddie knows Barry wants to be with Iris, despite knowing that they'll probably hook up before he's in the ground for a year, Eddie still says that name with a strong undercurrent of fondness. Despite everything, he still believes that Barry is a good person, he hopes that he and Iris get together because it means she'll be with someone who will take care of her and make sure she's happy.]
And yes. Really. I mean, I guess there are a few things I don't really openly talk about, but I wouldn't call them secrets, you know? Like, hooking up with someone at the Flower Festival and stuff.
[His face goes abruptly pale, and then flushes hot red again, and he brings his hand up over his mouth, eyes wide and round.]
Oh my god.
[Immediately, Eddie is trying to cover, trying to direct the conversation back onto Cisco before he can blurt something else stupid, sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed and huffing out a breath.]
Are you sure? You look a little tense.
[Tilting his head, Eddie's eyes skim up and down the length of Cisco as he sits on the edge of the chair, leaning in a little.]
Do you need a glass of water or anything? I know I felt really warm right after I got bitten...
no subject
[ Cisco doesn't know why that surprises him so much. He's only ever really known Eddie in the context of Eddie-and-Iris, the inseparable unit. But, looking back, were they actually that inseparable? They'd been engaged when Eddie died, sure, but Cisco also knows that their engagement had been called off for a bit before that. And he knows there had been rocky patches, before. How many times had Barry swanned into S.T.A.R. Labs, grinning like a kid on Christmas, and not admitting until he was pressed that Iris had mentioned having a fight with Eddie or complained about Eddie.
And the more he thinks about it, the more it's understandable. It's not like Eddie is ever going home. This is his home now. Since that's true, it would make sense that Eddie is trying to move on, meet new people, forget about what he can't have anymore, have a bit of fun. Cisco is glad for him - happy that he has this second chance, that he's not wasting it moping, that while Cisco was getting settled in and finding his bearings Eddie was off making memories. ]
I know it's totally unfair grilling you about this when you're on firefly truth serum but like, who, when, how, highlights.
[ He ticks the four things off on his fingers. Cisco catches the look Eddie gives him, but it doesn't take a detective to see that he's deflecting, and Cisco will have none of it. He waves a dismissive hand; there's a half-drunk water bottle by the bed and Cisco helps himself to it, not really thinking of it as crossing any kind of boundaries or being too familiar. It's just Eddie, after all. Eddie won't mind.
Cisco chugs the rest of the bottle - Eddie had been right, he is feeling too warm - and then stops, looking at the bottle with a touch of skepticism. ]
Does the water here taste funny to you? You don't think there's anything in it, right? I mean... mind-control drugs or dangerous space chemicals or anything like that?
no subject
Okay first off, yeah, it is totally unfair, but like I said, I don't think it's exactly a secret. [Another shrug, and he takes a breath.] It's this guy I met here, Taako? I think you might've talked to him when you did your poll thing. He's an elf, and has this really long beautiful hair. We went to one of the raves, he talked me into trying one of the powder rooms, we played tag, and one thing led to another...
[A shrug, a little laugh, and he lifts his chin, glancing at Cisco nervously.]
I mean. It was good. I don't regret it. We've been out a couple more times since then. He's really cool. Which is really weird to say when he's an elf who does magic with an umbrella, but there it is.
[When Cisco asks about the water, suddenly, Eddie's brows furrow and he blinks in a sort of confused, startled way.]
What? No. The water tastes fine, and I haven't felt like there were chemicals or drugs affecting me...why?
no subject
[ For a wonderful moment, the rising tide of unease in Cisco is swept away, leaving only surprise and joy; there's a whole lot that's surprising about that answer. Somehow, Cisco hadn't really expected Taako to be Eddie's... type, in any a few different ways. File that information away for later. And he hadn't been expecting Eddie's hookup would be someone he had heard of, let alone someone he'd had an actual conversation with. And the fact that it had happened at a rave - at arave ... it's all just so delicious and sordid and very un-Eddie Thawne. Or at least, not like Eddie Thawne as Cisco had thought of him. But he's starting to realize maybe his idea of Eddie had been pretty incomplete. ]
He is really cool. I met him. I didn't realize you two were- [ Eddie hadn't said they were dating, exactly, only that they'd been out a few times, and Cisco doesn't want to presume or put labels on anything. So he hesitates, floundering, before finishing the sentences rather lamely: ] -uh. Acquainted.
[ Cisco is a little tempted to ask more, for the salacious details that Eddie had skirted around, but he thinks better of it. That really would be taking advantage of the situation, and he doesn't want to do that. Eddie deserves better than that, 'cause he's a good person. A nice person who had shot himself in the chest to kill the worst monster Cisco had ever met in his life. He'd done that.
Before he really means to be, Cisco is speaking agian: ]
I'm happy for you. Seriously. Like - I know we were never tight or anything but you're a great dude, and you deserve to have some good stuff happen to you.
[ A dim, more logical part of Cisco's mind registers that those well-wishes probably sound a little too effusive. Sure, Cisco isn't afraid to express himself, and he's ready to be cheesy when the situation calls for it. But normally he refrains from this level of schmaltz.
Cisco rubs at the spot on his neck where he'd been bitten; the skin feels a little too hot, or maybe that's from the friction of his hand's nervous movement. He should probably stop. He should probably wash the wound off - would that help any? No, it wouldn't, if there were a toxin it would already be in his system by now.
He is so preoccupied worrying about this that he almost misses Eddie's question. Cisco shrugs and folds his arms over his chest. ]
You never know. Can't be too careful, right? [ Cisco laughs, but it's just a bit frayed around the edges - not really a convincing mimicry of real amusement. ] And the water tasted kinda funny.
no subject
Yeah. Acquainted. I mean, we're not...together or anything but I like hanging out with him. And I'm serious about his hair, it's great, isn't it? I guess I like guys with long hair...
[Another thing he shouldn't have said out loud. Chewing his inner lip to shut himself up, Eddie just watches Cisco as he babbles about how Eddie is a great dude and he deserves some good stuff to happen to him, and before Eddie realizes it, he's speaking.]
We should do it. Become tight, I mean. I always wanted to hang out more with you and Caitlin back home, but I couldn't, really, because of Barry and that, you know?
[Shrugging it off, he furrows his brows abruptly, tilting his head.]
Really? The water tasted funny? I didn't notice that when I had some earlier. Give me a minute, I can go grab a glass and try it again? Stay here, and I'll be back in a sec and I'll run to the kitchen for another bottle.
[Standing up, he starts toward the door. Maybe it will be good, for him to get some space, have some water. Maybe he'll get control of his mouth.]
no subject
Strange, too, because Cisco usually thinks of himself as a friendly guy. He's never thought badly of Eddie, despite how much Barry seemed peeved by him. But somehow Eddie's presence and the idea of him are particularly pleasant, at the moment. Maybe it's the firefly, maybe it's some kind of parallel-world-moon-stockholm-syndrome.
He really wants to ask about the Taako situation, but he restrains himself for the time being. That's a conversation where he should let Eddie have the option to lie a little, at least. When Eddie says he really likes guys with long hair, Cisco's eyebrows raise just a fraction. He opens his mouth to make a joke (or maybe just ask for more information), pauses, visibly thinks better of it. In the end he just says: ]
Would not have guessed that about you.
[ And then Eddie is saying, in that earnest way, that they should be tight, that he'd always wanted to hang out with Cisco but felt like he couldn't. Cisco thinks that hearing that at any time (even without whatever it is making him feel the way he does right now) would have hurt a little, because it's so totally unexpected. Ludicrous, almost, if it weren't for the fact that he knows Eddie is being honest. The thought of anyone wanting to be close to him but feeling prevented from it or too intimidated is laughable - enough that Cisco actually huffs a soft laugh. ]
What, seriously? You wanted to be friends... with me?!
[ And there's no point in asking Eddie what he means by because of Barry. Cisco might never have considered the possibility before, but he immediately comprehends Eddie's meaning. Barry, with his abandonment issues, with his poorly-concealed vein of pettiness, probably wouldn't have liked the guy who was dating the girl he was in love with becoming besties with the people he considered his best friends.
But still, what a missed opportunity. How had Cisco never picked up on that? Never had an inkling that Eddie had any thoughts about him in particular, apart from remembering his name and that he was That S.T.A.R. Labs Guy who made Captain Cold's gun and secretly worked with the Flash. ]
That's- I had no idea. I woulda been your friend. I mean- I get it, but Barry's a grown up. He woulda gotten over it. Uh... prolly
[ Cisco smiles at Eddie, realizes that it's not too late. ] Not woulda. Will I will totally be you friend, now. Here.
[ Eddie is rushing off to get a glass of water, then, before Cisco can stop him. He half-raises a hand in objection, but Eddie's already out the door and going to the kitchen. So Cisco rubs his hand over the tops of his thighs, sighs, and accepts it. Gives him a bit of a chance to snoop, anyway. Nothing serious, of course... he just gets up and starts looking at the things Eddie has in the room - he doesn't have many possessions.
Cisco is just picking up a paperback murder mystery, turning it over to read the back cover, when Eddie says something from the doorway. Cisco hadn't heard him coming back, hadn't realized someone was in the room, standing as close as Eddie is; he drops the book to the ground, whirling around, one hand coming to press hard over his heart, which is now racing. ]
Fuck!
no subject
Yeah, I mean. It isn't as if I was keeping it a secret or anything, I'm not ashamed, it just seemed like something Iris wouldn't like, you know? And you never knew me before Iris and I were together.
[Shrugging his shoulders, he smiles a little bit and glances downward, cheeks flushing. The smile fades, though, when Cisco continues talking about the problems with Barry.]
I know. I mean, I know he would've been able to get over it, but early on, it would've probably caused problems with him and Iris, and she really needed him as a friend. I never wanted to come between them, even though I could tell from really early on that he was in love with her. Then later on, after I knew about Barry, I thought he probably needed all the support he could get, with everything he was going through.
[Lifting his chin, he glances up at Cisco again and takes a deep breath, holding it for just a second before releasing it.]
And I guess I felt like you guys were so close then, you were family, and I never really fit into that dynamic.
[A shrug, and it's too much of a relief to get out of the room, then, because that was too much, too open, too vulnerable. So he drinks a glass of water and comes back into the room carrying a second, smiling. Cisco is holding one of his books when he gets there, and he walks over closer to see what he's looking at. It's then that Cisco jumps, jerking and gasping, a hand over his chest, dark eyes wide, and almost instinctively Eddie lifts both hands.]
Whoa, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you okay?
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And Eddie's right, too, that as uncomfortable as it is to think about, him befriending Cisco would've caused problems. More problems, anyway. It's odd, hearing Eddie talk about the situation. Cisco had thought, for some reason, that Eddie was kind of clueless to the dynamics - just dating Iris and seeing Barry as her friend and not picking up on the kind of weird tension between the two of them. But apparently, he'd been more aware than Cisco had given him credit for. And more selfless, too.
Cisco doesn't have much to say, when Eddie says he hadn't fit into the found-family dynamic at S.T.A.R. Labs. It's the truth, and not a very flattering one. The fondness he's feeling for Eddie is quickly picking up an undercurrent of guilt over not realizing all the little ways they had excluded him. Cisco hadn't known he wanted to be included, but he shouldn't have made that assumption.
He was going to say something. When Eddie came back, he was going to apologize, to figure out the right words to explain why they hadn't made a space for him in their dynamic. But those plans go completely out the window when Eddie comes back. ]
You scared the shit outta me.
[ Cisco leans back against the wall, hands coming up to cover his face. At first, it's normal. Anyone could have that reaction - get startled, jump, take a deep breath, laugh, get over it. But after a few seconds, Cisco can tell that something is not normal or proportional this time. His heart is still beating like crazy and his hands are shaking. Actually, all of him is shaking - probably from the adrenaline. Cisco curls forward and tries to breathe slowly and deeply, to get a handle on this weird freight train of terror that's slammed into him. He has very little success. ]
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As far as Eddie's concerned, Cisco doesn't owe him an apology for not including him in that family dynamic, for not making space for him. It isn't as if he'd been part of everything, he'd come into it so late, after they'd dealt with so many ups and downs that it was less a feeling of being excluded than a feeling of being late to the party. Iris had a place ready-made for her, as close to Barry as she was, and with Joe, her father, part of the family already, but Eddie was simply the odd man out.
He simply hadn't fit, and Eddie's pretty used to not fitting in. It isn't anyone's fault - Eddie simply isn't cut out to fit in, it's a fact of life that it's harder for him to slip into social situations with the kind of grace he wishes he could. That, certainly, isn't anything Cisco could have fixed.
So the thought of expecting an apology or any of that hadn't been on his mind when he left the room, and it certainly isn't as he comes back into it. So he's completely focused on Cisco as the younger man leans against the wall, covers his face and breathes too quickly, too shallowly, tries to laugh it off but can't hide the fact that he's still afraid. Brows furrowing, Eddie steps in a bit closer.]
Hey, hey Cisco, come on, try to breathe deep and slow, okay?
[It's not hard to tell that Cisco's having what seems like a panic attack, and Eddie leans over, trying to catch his eyes.]
You're safe, everything's okay. Just keep breathing slow and really deep, okay?
[And, after a moment of thought, carefully.]
Can I touch you?
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But because there had been the purple firefly, too, the feeling is entirely different - a sort of chemical reaction has combined fear and fondness into something that isn't really either. Even with his face covered he hears Eddie talking, saying something about breathing slow and deep (as if that were going to happen). And Cisco feels affection for him, and the gentle voice he's using like he's talking to a shy animal or something like that. But then right on the heels of that, the fear chimes in he probably snuck up on you on purpose; he did this, you can't trust that tone. And then the affection follows right back up, saying that Eddie's a good person, has always been kind to him. Why would he want to do something as silly as startle CIsco on purpose. But of course, next comes the fear, saying that Cisco has been wrong about people before, and shouldn't trust his own judgments about people, or their motives.
It's a perplexing enough whirlwind of racing thoughts that he misses Eddie's question about touching him, has no warning before he feels a very light pressure against his shoulder. Cisco drops his hands and Eddie is right there. So he reels away - the wall is behind him so he scoots to the side and then past Eddie, backing up a few clumsy paces into the center of the room. He arms are pulled up to his chest, hands balling into fists, and he manages to stammer: ]
It's g-gotta be... gotta be the fireflies, this isn't how it normally feels, this is w-way w-worse. I-
[ Which, unfortunately, is when he feels it happening - a terrible lurch in his gut, a feeling like he's falling, and then the world flickers out around him. Another one of his awful visions that he doesn't understand and can never seem to predict or prevent. From the outside, Cisco just freezes, a vacant look on his face, eyes unfocused and unblinking, still tense but unresponsive for almost a full minute. ]
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I'm sorry!
[Eddie's hands lift so Cisco can see them, his heart is racing, his eyes are wide, and he's staring at the younger man, trying to work out what's going on. The guilt is intense, twisting in his gut, and he shouldn't have touched him, it was stupid, and he's only made things worse. Far worse.]
Okay. Okay. So different colours do different things, I get that. Just try to remember it's just the firefly, there's nothing wrong right now, you're okay...
[Eddie's voice trails off, though, as he registers that Cisco's expression is falling blank, and Eddie goes silent, his own panic rising. The symptoms Cisco had been showing before were pretty standard for a panic attack, something Eddie could work with, but this is something else entirely. For a moment, he's silent, staring at Cisco, mind racing - is it narcolepsy, a seizure? What's the word for that? Absence seizure? Staring at Cisco, his heart racing, he tries to remember everything he can about epilepsy and what other conditions might cause seizures.]
Oh god...
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He comes back to himself with a loud sucked-in breath, blinking rapidly, waiting for the world around him to stop shuddering and to slip back into focus. Eddie is standing close to him, but not too close, looking just about as miserable as it is possible for a person to be. Cisco wants to cover up for what just happened, and to comfort Eddie, but how would he even begin to do that? He opens his mouth, but he just... blanks. No words come to mind. No excuses or explanations or unconvincing lies.
Part of Cisco wants to just leave, to bolt out the door and make his apologies later. He probably would have, too, if he had anywhere private of his own to go. But if he doesn't want Eddie to see him in this state, he really doesn't want anyone else to. Which means staying here, and finding some way, any way, to calm himself the fuck down.
So when an idea comes into Cisco's head, he doesn't stop to consider it. He just acts. ]
Sorry for this.
[ Then, without asking permission, without preamble, he walks over to Eddie's bed, pulls back the sheets and climbs onto it. Cisco is just visible curling up as tight as he can for a moment before he's pulling the sheets and blankets over himself and hiding, like a little kid who has had a nightmare, or seen a monster. In a way, both are true. And maybe it's weird, just tucking himself away like this, but it helps. For Cisco, the dark is better than the bright lights, and even if he knows it's an illusion, he feels contained, protected. ]
This is so lame.
[ Whether Cisco means the fear-inducing bite itself, or his behavior, or his solution to combat the fear, is up to interpretation. ]
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