open ✪ i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know

[causational]

who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: rainbow fireflies, catch-all; open prompts under the cut
when: april 20th forward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: tba in subject lines



✪ i. riverwoof pet café

[Eddie has owned more cats than dogs, but that's mostly down to cats being a bit easier to maintain - it isn't that he likes them more. And sure, he'd asked about cats on the network post he'd replied to about this place, and he's interested in adopting one...but he definitely loves dogs. They're so cheerful and friendly, they love so unconditionally in a way that makes Eddie feel at ease.

So here he is, carrying a strong americano with a bit of cream and sugar-free-vanilla that tastes way better than the sugar-free-vanilla at home, wandering among the seats and trying to find an empty one while he tries to decide which dog he wants to pet first.]

Oh...excuse me, do you mind if I share this space?

[It's said pleasantly enough to the person occupying the other half of the only table with an empty spot in the place. Well. At least it's doing good business.]

✪ ii. rainbow bite

Eddie is going to be out and about around the city, both on the job as a police officer and off-duty. He frequents bars, coffee shops, outdoor markets, clubs to dance at, and anywhere you can get a good craft beer or weird street food.

While out and about, he might get bitten by fireflies:

✪ YELLOW: Eddie is not one to give in to fear, but he definitely feels it. This firefly will make him a bit jumpy and paranoid, looking over his shoulder a lot.

✪ GREEN: Eddie is not a naturally jealous or envious person, so if he gets bitten by one of these, it'll wear off fast. But not fast enough to stop him from asking for a bite of whatever you're eating, because it looks delicious...

✪ BLUE: Eddie is carrying a lot of grief and loneliness that he's hiding very comfortably under happiness. While he's still good at hiding it if he's bitten, if you run into him at a bar or when he's had a beer, he'll look off-kilter and upset and be more open to talking about sad stuff. CW: The blue firefly will probably come with talk of his death by suicide.

✪ PURPLE: Eddie's already an affectionate person by nature, and he has zero interest in hiding it, so if you so much as chat with him he'll probably end up giving you shoulder squeezes, hugs, and more depending on how real the conversation gets.

I know these prompts are either vague or very limited, and I don't wanna make you do all the work, so feel free to just set your character up in an open space (optionally drop your preferred firefly colour in the subject line) and I'll approach with Eddie.

I am also open to honest orange firefly bites, or lustful red firefly bites, but would like to plan those out a bit first, so hit me up in PM or at caffemisto to figure it out.

Comments

[causational]

[Eddie laughs, bright and abrupt, at the way Cisco reacts, and shakes his head, grinning broadly at him, lifting a hand and rubbing the back of his neck. The fact that it was a guy is probably something he would've eased into a little more slowly if he weren't feeling the effects of the firefly, but he doesn't think it's too big of a danger. Cisco's never seemed like the closed-minded type, and even though Eddie had never exactly been open or out about being bi, it wasn't like it was something he was ashamed of - just something he didn't think Iris would find attractive, something that had never directly come up between them before, and so something he'd never mentioned.]

Yeah. Acquainted. I mean, we're not...together or anything but I like hanging out with him. And I'm serious about his hair, it's great, isn't it? I guess I like guys with long hair...

[Another thing he shouldn't have said out loud. Chewing his inner lip to shut himself up, Eddie just watches Cisco as he babbles about how Eddie is a great dude and he deserves some good stuff to happen to him, and before Eddie realizes it, he's speaking.]

We should do it. Become tight, I mean. I always wanted to hang out more with you and Caitlin back home, but I couldn't, really, because of Barry and that, you know?

[Shrugging it off, he furrows his brows abruptly, tilting his head.]

Really? The water tasted funny? I didn't notice that when I had some earlier. Give me a minute, I can go grab a glass and try it again? Stay here, and I'll be back in a sec and I'll run to the kitchen for another bottle.

[Standing up, he starts toward the door. Maybe it will be good, for him to get some space, have some water. Maybe he'll get control of his mouth.]

[franciscoramon]

[ It really is much more of a comfort than Cisco would have thought, not to be the only one not quite in control of what he's saying. It's not exactly like being drunk with someone - Cisco doesn't know if their memories of this conversation will be dim and blurred the way memories of drunken over-honest conversations sometimes are. And maybe his own lack of inhibitions isn't quite truthfulness so much as... fondness? Friendliness?

Strange, too, because Cisco usually thinks of himself as a friendly guy. He's never thought badly of Eddie, despite how much Barry seemed peeved by him. But somehow Eddie's presence and the idea of him are particularly pleasant, at the moment. Maybe it's the firefly, maybe it's some kind of parallel-world-moon-stockholm-syndrome.

He really wants to ask about the Taako situation, but he restrains himself for the time being. That's a conversation where he should let Eddie have the option to lie a little, at least. When Eddie says he really likes guys with long hair, Cisco's eyebrows raise just a fraction. He opens his mouth to make a joke (or maybe just ask for more information), pauses, visibly thinks better of it. In the end he just says: ]

Would not have guessed that about you.

[ And then Eddie is saying, in that earnest way, that they should be tight, that he'd always wanted to hang out with Cisco but felt like he couldn't. Cisco thinks that hearing that at any time (even without whatever it is making him feel the way he does right now) would have hurt a little, because it's so totally unexpected. Ludicrous, almost, if it weren't for the fact that he knows Eddie is being honest. The thought of anyone wanting to be close to him but feeling prevented from it or too intimidated is laughable - enough that Cisco actually huffs a soft laugh. ]

What, seriously? You wanted to be friends... with me?!

[ And there's no point in asking Eddie what he means by because of Barry. Cisco might never have considered the possibility before, but he immediately comprehends Eddie's meaning. Barry, with his abandonment issues, with his poorly-concealed vein of pettiness, probably wouldn't have liked the guy who was dating the girl he was in love with becoming besties with the people he considered his best friends.

But still, what a missed opportunity. How had Cisco never picked up on that? Never had an inkling that Eddie had any thoughts about him in particular, apart from remembering his name and that he was That S.T.A.R. Labs Guy who made Captain Cold's gun and secretly worked with the Flash. ]

That's- I had no idea. I woulda been your friend. I mean- I get it, but Barry's a grown up. He woulda gotten over it. Uh... prolly
[ Cisco smiles at Eddie, realizes that it's not too late. ] Not woulda. Will I will totally be you friend, now. Here.

[ Eddie is rushing off to get a glass of water, then, before Cisco can stop him. He half-raises a hand in objection, but Eddie's already out the door and going to the kitchen. So Cisco rubs his hand over the tops of his thighs, sighs, and accepts it. Gives him a bit of a chance to snoop, anyway. Nothing serious, of course... he just gets up and starts looking at the things Eddie has in the room - he doesn't have many possessions.

Cisco is just picking up a paperback murder mystery, turning it over to read the back cover, when Eddie says something from the doorway. Cisco hadn't heard him coming back, hadn't realized someone was in the room, standing as close as Eddie is; he drops the book to the ground, whirling around, one hand coming to press hard over his heart, which is now racing. ]

Fuck!

[causational]

[It hasn't quite registered yet that Cisco is experiencing something similar to what Eddie is - after all, Cisco hasn't mentioned what he's feeling and Eddie doesn't know him well enough to read the subtleties of Cisco's reactions. He is, however, experienced enough at reading people to recognize it when Cisco refrains from asking more about Taako, shoots him an expression that's a sort of strained relief.]

Yeah, I mean. It isn't as if I was keeping it a secret or anything, I'm not ashamed, it just seemed like something Iris wouldn't like, you know? And you never knew me before Iris and I were together.

[Shrugging his shoulders, he smiles a little bit and glances downward, cheeks flushing. The smile fades, though, when Cisco continues talking about the problems with Barry.]

I know. I mean, I know he would've been able to get over it, but early on, it would've probably caused problems with him and Iris, and she really needed him as a friend. I never wanted to come between them, even though I could tell from really early on that he was in love with her. Then later on, after I knew about Barry, I thought he probably needed all the support he could get, with everything he was going through.

[Lifting his chin, he glances up at Cisco again and takes a deep breath, holding it for just a second before releasing it.]

And I guess I felt like you guys were so close then, you were family, and I never really fit into that dynamic.

[A shrug, and it's too much of a relief to get out of the room, then, because that was too much, too open, too vulnerable. So he drinks a glass of water and comes back into the room carrying a second, smiling. Cisco is holding one of his books when he gets there, and he walks over closer to see what he's looking at. It's then that Cisco jumps, jerking and gasping, a hand over his chest, dark eyes wide, and almost instinctively Eddie lifts both hands.]

Whoa, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you okay?

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco opens his mouth to object that Iris wouldn't mind, but he catches himself. In all likelihood, Eddie is right. Cisco likes Iris and the two of them have gotten to be a little closer to being friends, after the singularity when Cisco was spending so much time at CCPD and Barry was being a total flake to both of them. But Eddie had dated her for more than a year, had been engaged to her and lived with her. He's the Iris expert in the room.

And Eddie's right, too, that as uncomfortable as it is to think about, him befriending Cisco would've caused problems. More problems, anyway. It's odd, hearing Eddie talk about the situation. Cisco had thought, for some reason, that Eddie was kind of clueless to the dynamics - just dating Iris and seeing Barry as her friend and not picking up on the kind of weird tension between the two of them. But apparently, he'd been more aware than Cisco had given him credit for. And more selfless, too.

Cisco doesn't have much to say, when Eddie says he hadn't fit into the found-family dynamic at S.T.A.R. Labs. It's the truth, and not a very flattering one. The fondness he's feeling for Eddie is quickly picking up an undercurrent of guilt over not realizing all the little ways they had excluded him. Cisco hadn't known he wanted to be included, but he shouldn't have made that assumption.

He was going to say something. When Eddie came back, he was going to apologize, to figure out the right words to explain why they hadn't made a space for him in their dynamic. But those plans go completely out the window when Eddie comes back. ]

You scared the shit outta me.

[ Cisco leans back against the wall, hands coming up to cover his face. At first, it's normal. Anyone could have that reaction - get startled, jump, take a deep breath, laugh, get over it. But after a few seconds, Cisco can tell that something is not normal or proportional this time. His heart is still beating like crazy and his hands are shaking. Actually, all of him is shaking - probably from the adrenaline. Cisco curls forward and tries to breathe slowly and deeply, to get a handle on this weird freight train of terror that's slammed into him. He has very little success. ]

[causational]

[Of course there's a chance Iris wouldn't have minded, wouldn't have cared, but there's also part of him that has always felt like Iris would probably think of him as less masculine, less appealing if she knew. He'd heard a lot of stories in college, after all, about girls who dumped their boyfriends after finding out they were into men as well, claiming they couldn't respect their masculinity, or that it grossed them out, or that they were concerned about those men being secretly gay. There's a good chance Iris wouldn't have thought those things, but the risk had seemed far too great at the time. It still does, in a way.

As far as Eddie's concerned, Cisco doesn't owe him an apology for not including him in that family dynamic, for not making space for him. It isn't as if he'd been part of everything, he'd come into it so late, after they'd dealt with so many ups and downs that it was less a feeling of being excluded than a feeling of being late to the party. Iris had a place ready-made for her, as close to Barry as she was, and with Joe, her father, part of the family already, but Eddie was simply the odd man out.

He simply hadn't fit, and Eddie's pretty used to not fitting in. It isn't anyone's fault - Eddie simply isn't cut out to fit in, it's a fact of life that it's harder for him to slip into social situations with the kind of grace he wishes he could. That, certainly, isn't anything Cisco could have fixed.

So the thought of expecting an apology or any of that hadn't been on his mind when he left the room, and it certainly isn't as he comes back into it. So he's completely focused on Cisco as the younger man leans against the wall, covers his face and breathes too quickly, too shallowly, tries to laugh it off but can't hide the fact that he's still afraid. Brows furrowing, Eddie steps in a bit closer.]

Hey, hey Cisco, come on, try to breathe deep and slow, okay?

[It's not hard to tell that Cisco's having what seems like a panic attack, and Eddie leans over, trying to catch his eyes.]

You're safe, everything's okay. Just keep breathing slow and really deep, okay?

[And, after a moment of thought, carefully.]

Can I touch you?

[franciscoramon]

[ In a weird way, it probably would have been easier for Cisco, if it had only been the yellow firefly. Fear on its own is just about the simplest emotion out there - instinctive, animal, automatic. He's had his fear cranked up to 11 more than a few times, since joining Team Flash - going into the sewers looking for Grodd, getting kidnapped by Leonard Snart, facing off against robotic bees. That sort of fear he has learned to manage.

But because there had been the purple firefly, too, the feeling is entirely different - a sort of chemical reaction has combined fear and fondness into something that isn't really either. Even with his face covered he hears Eddie talking, saying something about breathing slow and deep (as if that were going to happen). And Cisco feels affection for him, and the gentle voice he's using like he's talking to a shy animal or something like that. But then right on the heels of that, the fear chimes in he probably snuck up on you on purpose; he did this, you can't trust that tone. And then the affection follows right back up, saying that Eddie's a good person, has always been kind to him. Why would he want to do something as silly as startle CIsco on purpose. But of course, next comes the fear, saying that Cisco has been wrong about people before, and shouldn't trust his own judgments about people, or their motives.

It's a perplexing enough whirlwind of racing thoughts that he misses Eddie's question about touching him, has no warning before he feels a very light pressure against his shoulder. Cisco drops his hands and Eddie is right there. So he reels away - the wall is behind him so he scoots to the side and then past Eddie, backing up a few clumsy paces into the center of the room. He arms are pulled up to his chest, hands balling into fists, and he manages to stammer: ]

It's g-gotta be... gotta be the fireflies, this isn't how it normally feels, this is w-way w-worse. I-

[ Which, unfortunately, is when he feels it happening - a terrible lurch in his gut, a feeling like he's falling, and then the world flickers out around him. Another one of his awful visions that he doesn't understand and can never seem to predict or prevent. From the outside, Cisco just freezes, a vacant look on his face, eyes unfocused and unblinking, still tense but unresponsive for almost a full minute. ]

[causational]

[This whole thing gets more and more concerning the longer it goes on - Cisco is mostly unresponsive when he asks about touching, and when his fingers brush Cisco's shoulder, he jerks and startles and reels and scoots away from Eddie as if he were about to kill him.]

I'm sorry!

[Eddie's hands lift so Cisco can see them, his heart is racing, his eyes are wide, and he's staring at the younger man, trying to work out what's going on. The guilt is intense, twisting in his gut, and he shouldn't have touched him, it was stupid, and he's only made things worse. Far worse.]

Okay. Okay. So different colours do different things, I get that. Just try to remember it's just the firefly, there's nothing wrong right now, you're okay...

[Eddie's voice trails off, though, as he registers that Cisco's expression is falling blank, and Eddie goes silent, his own panic rising. The symptoms Cisco had been showing before were pretty standard for a panic attack, something Eddie could work with, but this is something else entirely. For a moment, he's silent, staring at Cisco, mind racing - is it narcolepsy, a seizure? What's the word for that? Absence seizure? Staring at Cisco, his heart racing, he tries to remember everything he can about epilepsy and what other conditions might cause seizures.]

Oh god...

[franciscoramon]

[ The vibe is nothing new - the same old scene Cisco's seen a hundred times. The basement of S.T.A.R. Labs, and Eobard, and a vibrating hand ripping his heart to shreds. He doesn't know how it can still feel so real; normally, it isn't this intense, when he's aware. It hasn't felt this bad in months. And it's only as the blurred blue-tinted view of that awful, evil smile is flickering out that Cisco thinks about Eddie. What must this look like to Eddie?

He comes back to himself with a loud sucked-in breath, blinking rapidly, waiting for the world around him to stop shuddering and to slip back into focus. Eddie is standing close to him, but not too close, looking just about as miserable as it is possible for a person to be. Cisco wants to cover up for what just happened, and to comfort Eddie, but how would he even begin to do that? He opens his mouth, but he just... blanks. No words come to mind. No excuses or explanations or unconvincing lies.

Part of Cisco wants to just leave, to bolt out the door and make his apologies later. He probably would have, too, if he had anywhere private of his own to go. But if he doesn't want Eddie to see him in this state, he really doesn't want anyone else to. Which means staying here, and finding some way, any way, to calm himself the fuck down.

So when an idea comes into Cisco's head, he doesn't stop to consider it. He just acts. ]

Sorry for this.

[ Then, without asking permission, without preamble, he walks over to Eddie's bed, pulls back the sheets and climbs onto it. Cisco is just visible curling up as tight as he can for a moment before he's pulling the sheets and blankets over himself and hiding, like a little kid who has had a nightmare, or seen a monster. In a way, both are true. And maybe it's weird, just tucking himself away like this, but it helps. For Cisco, the dark is better than the bright lights, and even if he knows it's an illusion, he feels contained, protected. ]

This is so lame.

[ Whether Cisco means the fear-inducing bite itself, or his behavior, or his solution to combat the fear, is up to interpretation. ]

[causational]

[Eddie sees it, the moment Cisco comes back into himself, when his eyes stop being blank and his expression stops being empty, when his dark eyes actually focus on Eddie's face, and he sucks in a sharp breath and blinks at him over and over. Biting his lower lip, Eddie lifts a hand in case Cisco needs some support, but hesitates about touching him after what happened last time.

He's still trying to figure out what to say, how to ask about what just happened without being inconsiderate, insensitive, how to ask what he can do to help, to make it better, when Cisco abruptly apologizes and turns. The younger man crosses over to Eddie's bed, crawls in, and pulls the blankets up over his head, curls up in a tiny ball. For a moment, Eddie is completely caught off-guard by it, and then he smiles to himself, half out of relief and half out of the sheer weirdness of the situation.

When Cisco gripes that this is lame, Eddie shakes his head a bit, and goes over to the bed. Crossing the room, Eddie sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches out, gently pressing his hand against his shoulder.]

Hey. It's fine. You do what you need to so you can feel okay, and there's no need to apologize. Just...

[Carefully, tentatively, Eddie starts rubbing Cisco's shoulder through the sheet and blanket, squeezing gently off and on.]

Just that know I won't let anything bad happen to you. You're safe here.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco can feel the shift in the mattress when Eddie sits down, and then the cautious weight of Eddie's hand on his shoulder through the blankets. The tentativeness of the touch is obvious, but this time Cisco doesn't flinch away - instead he leans into it, a little. A tiny, nonverbal invitation for Eddie to keep his hand there. Eddie's presence is really comforting, actually, now that Cisco can't see him, and is insulated.

And Eddie doesn't demand to know what the ever-loving fuck Cisco thinks he's doing. He doesn't make fun of him, or interrogate him. Instead he just sits beside Cisco, comforting him without even needing to be asked. Cisco quietly scoots a little closer to Eddie, not caring how stupid it must look, knowing he's nothing more than a miserable lump under some blankets right now from Eddie's point of view. Gradually, Cisco's loud and ragged breaths even out, start to come slower bit by bit.

When Eddie says he won't let anything bad happen to Cisco is when the worst of the fear finally breaks, loosens its hold on him enough that he can find his voice again: ]

You're a very, very good man, Eddie Thawne. Very very good. We're talking possible sainthood.

[ He can't quite infuse the right amount of lightness and humor into the words, but at leas the's attempting to be funny again. That's a good sign. Cisco is still shaking like a leaf, but his heart is beating at a more normal speed and he can feel the panic ebbing, slowly. ]

As soon as all this is over I'm gonna steal a hazmat suit, go outside and bugspray every one of those colorful little bastards.

[ Okay, he isn't actually that vindictive, but it's a nice thought right now. ]

You know I'm not normally this much of a weirdo, right? I mean, sure I'm weird, but in a sane person way. This is all on the bugs. Please don't judge me.

[causational]

[There's a little surge of relief in him when Cisco doesn't pull away from the press of his hand, and actually leans into it a little, and that relief only increases as Cisco shifts closer to him. Maybe Cisco is a miserable lump under some blankets, but Eddie is fully aware that he is another person, is made incapable of disregarding people's distress by his line of work. It simply isn't in him to make fun of someone who is afraid and needs to feel safe, and there's no reason to interrogate when a crime hasn't been committed. And while Eddie would do the same thing for anyone who was afraid like this around him, the fact that he knows Cisco from home, that he's a friend-of-a-friend and his own acquaintance makes it easier, a little more personal.

When Cisco says he's a good man, Eddie snorts slightly, laughs softly, his hand still moving in idle circles against Cisco's shoulder through the blanket.]

Not really. It's pretty much common decency.

[Eddie can feel Cisco still shaking, his whole body trembling even as he makes jokes, tries to keep the tone light, and that's familiar, somehow. Relatable. Eddie might not make jokes, but he absolutely understands the desire to cover something that makes him feel weak with something that doesn't. Cisco's jokes are like his own smiles and assertions that he's fine, and something about that makes him feel a rush of fondness for Cisco and a desire not to ask questions at the same time. To not push and to give Cisco his dignity.

It's nice that Cisco gives him the opportunity to offer reassurance, at least, and Eddie jumps on it.]

Of course. I mean, the firefly bit you, and you got scared, just like I got honest. I'm not going to judge you for that, especially when I know...I know about all the stuff at home. I know you've got a lot of things that your brain can dredge up when you're scared.

[Eddie gently squeezes Cisco's shoulder again, shifting against the bed.]

One question though. Do you think bugspray is good enough, or should we bring a flamethrower?

[franciscoramon]

If that's true they need to rename it, 'cause common decency's not very common.

[ Cisco is profoundly grateful that it is Eddie here, seeing him like this. Normally, he would think it is better to be alone. Better to ride out any badness in private and then pretend it wasn't real as soon as he was around friends. But Eddie's presence is a comfort. Even when his mind feels like a fire alarm that won't turn off, telling him the sky is going to rip open, the world come tumbling down around him, that he will die and be dead forever, Eddie had said he wasn't going to let anything happen to him. And Cisco believes it. He'd done it before, after all. When everything seemed completely lost, Eddie had swooped in and saved everyone, given up his life for it.

Part of his gratitude towards Eddie right now is whatever the fireflies had done, and Cisco knows that. But he thinks, not all of it. Just like not all of the fear is, either. After all, if Eddie's bite resulted in him being his most honest self - in words and in deeds - and this is him at his most honest self? Eddie is thoroughly worth admiring. ]

I definitely woulda taken 'chronic oversharing' instead of 'panic attack 'cause someone walked in the room and you didn't see them', if I'd had a choice. And personally I vote for improvised flamethrower made out of bug spray. That's the way to go. Toxic fiery justice. I totally know how to do it, too.

[ And then Eddie says I know about all the stuff at home and Cisco, who had been adjusting how he is curled up so his leg wouldn't fall asleep, goes still. A moment later he is sitting up, emerging from under the sheets (though he keeps them wrapped tightly around his shoulders and back). His hair is a mess and he doesn't even bother trying to fake a smile. But he looks at Eddie, swallows, and asks in a small voice: ]

How'd you know? I mean, that that was what happened, just now?

[ The connection may have been easy for Eddie to draw, but it's very surprising to Cisco. The fact is that he's grown accustomed to not having to put in too much effort for his distress to go under the radar. If it had been Barry here, Cisco's sure he would have chalked the whole thing up to 100% fireflies, none of it real, none of it rooted in Cisco's actual mind. But Eddie, who barely knows him, who can only know a tiny handful of details about the situation with dying and then remembering it and everything that came after, made the connection. What else could he mean by 'the stuff at home'?

Chewing at his bottom lip, Cisco drops his gaze and adds: ]

Sometimes I think... sometimes I'm pretty sure everybody forgets that- [ He can't quite bring himself to use specific language, so he shrugs and finishes somewhat lamely: ] -that there was stuff.

[causational]

[All he can really do at that soft, muffled comment Cisco makes is smile a little sadly, his head tilting down, and keep rubbing his shoulder, squeezing it, reassuring as much as he can that everything's okay. It feels pretty natural to do so, even if he normally wouldn't be so touchy with someone he doesn't know very well - apparently that's more of a natural instinct he suppresses than he'd thought, and whatever's still lingering, making him more honest, is still affecting him.]

If I could trade you, I would. [It's not just the firefly bite that makes that sound honest - Eddie's used to fear, has learned dozens of coping mechanisms to keep him from succumbing to it. He could handle it, where it looks like Cisco is struggling.] And why am I not surprised that you know how to rain down toxic fiery justice on someone?

[That part is said fondly, his voice warm, the smile evident in the sound of it. The smile falls a little as Cisco emerges suddenly from under the blankets, wrapping them around his shoulders, looking up at Eddie with wide eyes and his hair sticking up in every direction. When he asks how Eddie knows that was what happened and that he's pretty sure everyone forgets that Cisco had things to be afraid of back home.

Blinking, Eddie considers it for a moment, chewing his inner lip.]

I guess, because it's normal, when someone is triggered into a panic attack, for their mind to jump to things they've experienced that made them afraid. I meet a lot of people who've had traumatic things happen to them, and it's pretty common for people who've gone through that kind of thing to react the way you did.

[The last part, though...that's a bit concerning, and Eddie's blue eyes stay locked on Cisco's face for a long moment, searching Cisco's face. It hasn't been long since they set that trap for Eobard, and that entire stretch of time is very clear in his memory because of the personal issues he'd been having. He remembers, very clearly, the first time he'd heard about time travel being a real thing. Remembers the plan to trap Eobard and the way Cisco had said that Eobard's super-speeding hand had shredded his heart, remembers the way his heart had jumped and his head had jerked around so he could see if Cisco was being serious.]

Really? After everything you've been through, people forget? Aren't they supposed to be your friends?

[Immediately, he winces, because there's no way he would've said that if he hadn't been bitten by the honesty bug. Maybe, he might've gently probed, delicately, diplomatically, out of curiosity, but he never would've spoken about anyone that way to a friend of theirs, even if he thought it.]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that out loud.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco swallows, listening to Eddie's explanation, but he doesn't interrupt. The truth is, his knowledge on this only spans the amount of information that he'd gleaned from a single night spent googling things like how to tell if you're having a heart attack? and what is a panic attack?, followed of course by stopping panic attacks and how to not have panic attacks. He'd never spoken to anyone about it, never actually used those words for it out loud, until just now.

And Eddie hadn't questioned that label, or overreacted to the idea of panic attacks being a thing that happened to someone. In fact, he'd gone so far as to say that all those crazy somersaults Cisco's mind had gone through just now were... normal. Common. That they came with the territory. While Cisco isn't entirely sure that he's exactly like everyone else (most people couldn't see into erased timelines, could they?), there's still something very steadying about the fact that Eddie isn't shocked by any of this. ]

Guess you'd have to know that as a cop. Didn't think of that.

[ Cisco had helped the CCPD, sure, but he helped from a distance. He dealt with metas and their abilities and the gear that needed to be made to take them down. He didn't come into contact with victims, didn't have to think about the messy side of human tragedy that was an everyday part of Eddie's career.

And Eddie's anger, his righteous confusion and consternation that Cisco's friends would forget what he's been through, is like a separate revelation. Cisco shifts, guts twisting uneasily. It had always seemed natural to him, and he's quick to respond: ]

Of course they're my friends, but they're not- it wasn't- everyone else's lives are- they've been through- they're not obligated to-

[ He and Eddie talk over one another - Eddie's apologies and Cisco's excuses for his friends. But he can't quite finish any of those thoughts; each of them isn't something he's really thought all the way through before. And there's just so much conviction in that set-jawed look Eddie had given him. Like Cisco's friends ought to remember something like that.

Cisco shrugs, glumly, eyes dropping down. He's aware enough of it now to know the fireflies have got to be contributing to the sudden, bone-deep worry that his friends don't really care about him at all, that this is a sign that they are only tolerating him but have no affection for him whatsoever, that he loves them all and they laugh at him behind his back. Cisco says, a little hollowly: ]

You don't gotta apologize. You can't help it.

[ He reaches up and tries to tuck his hair into some semblance of order, drawing in deep, slow breaths through his nose and trying to will the rest of the adrenaline out of his system. ]

[causational]

[Eddie has seen a lot of panic attacks in his time as a police officer, in victims, in fellow cops, and he's become accustomed to the signs - it wasn't hard to tell that was what happened to Cisco, as unusual as the blanking out might have been. It makes sense. If the firefly bite is heightening his fear responses, then it's logical to assume that he's flashing back to something negative he's experienced, that might have triggered a panic attack. And while Eddie hasn't seen the blank-out thing before, it's not out of the realm of possibility for a person to respond that way to a panic attack.

It doesn't even occur to him that Cisco's response is over the top or to overreact, to give it not enough or too much power. It's simply a psychological and physical response to trauma, and whether or not Eddie said it directly, there are a dozen things he can think of off the top of his head that have happened to Cisco that could cause that level of trauma, and the thing with the heart shredding is only the most major.]

Yeah. I see a lot of panic attacks. It feels awful, but it's not weird. [A pause, while he tries to wrangle his overly-honest mind into being more tactful.] I have to admit, I haven't seen anyone go blank like you did, though. I don't think it's just a more rare response, maybe? And...

[Licking his lips, he furrows his brows a bit with the effort of trying to word things better, more tactfully, more empathetically while his mind is refusing to let him obscure the truth. Because the truth is that he thinks it's a little distasteful that Barry and the others could forget about Cisco's problems. Eddie's seen them interact before, all of them, and noticed it before, in a vague sort of subconscious way - that Cisco and Caitlin are on a different level than Barry. Hell, he's felt it himself, before, like Barry's destiny and Barry's struggles come before anyone else's.]

I guess, I just thought that Barry was a nicer person than that, you know? He's always putting other people first, I didn't think he'd take you or Caitlin for granted.

[It comes out before he manages to even try to police himself, and he groans, shaking his head as Cisco starts pushing hair behind his ears, taking deep breaths.]

I don't mean that to make Barry sound bad. I'm not sure what I'm saying.

[He doesn't miss the slight hollowness in Cisco's tone when he says that Eddie doesn't have to apologize, the emptiness that comes in the wake of Eddie's words, and again, he's blurting out exactly what's on his mind instead of the right thing, and he thinks he might go crazy if this goes on much longer.]

I guess I'm saying that what you went through matters. I know, I remember, how it always felt like we were all focusing on Barry's destiny. For a while, I forgot that I had my own life to live, my own future, because I was so caught up in his. You do too, you know?

[franciscoramon]

[ Just when Cisco had finally, really been settling down, feeling like he could loosen his hold on the careful control of his fear, Eddie mentions him 'going blank' and Cisco knows at once what he's talking about. That had been when he was having his vision; Eddie had been there, and not just in the room. He'd been watching him, carefully, and he knows enough about panic attacks to spot that this was something else. Cisco draws the blanket a little tighter around himself and shuts his eyes; the inrush of overwhelming fear that his secret might be exposed is not unexpected, this time. Cisco is ready for it, so he rides it out, quietly. If Eddie was expecting some kind of explanation, he's going to be disappointed. And after a few moments, Cisco opens his eyes again; eventually, he goes back to breathing slowly without needing to focus to do it.

Defending Barry proves a nice distraction, one that Cisco throws himself into whole-heartedly. He knows that it isn't Eddie's fault; he's saying everything that comes into his mind, right now, and even Cisco has had passing thoughts of resentment and skepticism about his closest friends, once or twice. It's just something that happens to everyone, something no one else is supposed to know about. But Eddie isn't afforded that regular privacy right now. ]

He is a nice person. He's not taking me for granted, it's just, with his mom, you know, you can see why he wouldn't wanna spend a lot of time thinking about Dr. Wells killing me, 'cause it makes him think about her. And Caitlin- y'know, she had the hardest time believing it was true, that he was really evil. Of course she doesn't wanna dwell on it. Plus, it's not like they're, y'know, changing the subject every time I try to talk about it because I don't talk about it, like, ever anymore, so it's not...

[ Cisco means for these explanations to come out strong and confident, but even as he says them, they're not adding up to the solid defense he had intended. He lapses into silence as Eddie, obviously frustrated at something (whether it's his own compulsive truthfulness or Cisco himself is anyone's guess), talks about how he'd de-prioritized his own life in favor of Barry's. And that... there's a sting of truth in that. Because hadn't Cisco told Barry how much he didn't want things to change, before Barry ran into the past? And sure, he'd made the right call eventually, but Cisco had been willing to let his entire life get rewritten for Barry's sake. For just a moment, he has a glimpse of the fact that maybe that was not the healthiest thing. ]

...Yeah.

[ It might only be one word, one syllable, but it's heavy with agreement. The fight, the will to argue just completely goes out of Cisco. He thinks about Eddie's destiny. Eddie's life, that he hadn't gotten the chance to really live. Only a few years older than Cisco, and already dead. A fucking tragedy.

He sighs and, without saying anything else, lets his head drop to rest on Eddie's shoulder. Probably this strange need for contact is the fireflies at work again, but Cisco's not going to waste energy fighting that side of things. He has to save up his strength if the fear comes back. ]

Sorry tonight is such a disaster, man.

[ If he'd known things would go this disastrously wrong, he wouldn't have convinced Eddie to come firefly catching with him. Cisco hopes, glumly, that this hasn't totally ruined their chances at real friendship. In a quiet voice, he asks: ]

Can I stay here a little while longer?

[causational]

[Detective or not, Eddie simply doesn't have the information to put together the fact that Cisco might've been having some kind of vision - he doesn't know the details of how Cisco had remembered that alternate timeline, the signs of it, isn't completely used to dealing with metas and sci-fi concepts like time travel and superpowers just yet. He simply doesn't have the mental vocabulary to put those things together and get to the right conclusion.

So he allows Cisco his privacy, thinking it was just a unique response to a panic attack, and doesn't ask more, doesn't wait for an explanation. To him, there's no point in pushing, there's nothing to find out, nothing to dig for. So he's quiet and he lets Cisco change the subject to a defense of Barry, which isn't unexpected when they're so close, but is, in a way, a bit concerning.]

I get it. You're a nice person, so you don't mind that they're putting themselves first.

[Not worded in the best way, but certainly the truth of what Eddie's thinking in the moment, as harsh as it might sound. It's that last part, though, that really bothers him - when Cisco says that he doesn't talk about it, not ever, and Eddie gets a surge of fond concern, suddenly. Wonders why he never paid attention to Cisco or Caitlin or what they might be quietly going through that gets subsumed under Barry's problems. Having gotten closer to Caitlin in his time here, and now with this conversation with Cisco, he's starting to see the sides of them he hadn't before. To see them as complete people and not just the brains behind the magic that happened at STAR Labs.]

Well, if you need to talk about it, you can talk to me.

[It's impulsive, the kind of offer he normally would've thought through more carefully, worded more carefully, sent a day later after he'd parsed all the implications. But it's raw, honest, the offer is genuine, even if he has a feeling Cisco probably won't take him up on it.]

It's okay. How many times have we tried to do something with Barry and it ends up being a disaster. It happens.

[The head on his shoulder is unexpected, and for a moment, Eddie feels a weird surge of some emotion he can't put his finger on. Loneliness? Longing? It's impossible to say, but it's like some need he hadn't been aware of is being satisfied, just a little, by Cisco's head on his shoulder. Human contact. It occurs to him that it's been months since he touched anyone other than Taako, who isn't the most physically affectionate person. So he lifts his arm and drapes it loosely across Cisco's shoulders and rubs his far arm.]

Yeah, of course you can stay. You can at least get a bit of privacy here. And seriously, after all this, I owe you dinner. What do you like to eat?

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco's mouth drops open a little at that succinct and rather ruthless assessment. It's harsh; not only to Barry and Caitlin but also, implicitly, a little bit to Cisco as well. Nice person or not, Eddie is saying he likes things the way they are, that he is contributing just as much by tolerating the situation. And it's true, but it's certainly not tactful.

But he doesn't argue any more, to defend his friends or to defend himself, because he can see from the look on Eddie's face that that was another one of those thoughts he would rather have filtered out, or at least delivered a bit more delicately. Cisco closes his mouth, accepts the words and the situation and that there's nothing he can say now that won't make things worse, and lets it go.

And those less fortunate results of Eddie's honesty only underline how much he must really mean it when he says that if Cisco needs to talk, he can talk to Eddie. For plenty of people, it is all too easy to say 'you can talk to me' without them having any intention on following up. But Eddie hadn't said "the right thing for me to say now is that you can talk to me" or even "you should talk to someone but not me because I find you tedious and off-putting". ]

I'll keep it in mind.

[ Cisco lets out a long sigh when Eddie rest an arm over his shoulders. Here he is, freaking out about old things that don't matter, when probably, he knows, he should be freaking out about how good this feels. He knows it's at least someone the influence of the firefly that makes him go a bit boneless, enjoying the warm solid presence of Eddie next to him. But it's the one thing he doesn't seem to be afraid of, right now, for better or worse. Why fight it? ]

Anything.

[ He doesn't have much of an appetite, but he isn't about to turn down an offer that means he gets to spend more time with Eddie. Not when he is feeling this weirdly needy and affectionate. ]

What's your favorite? If we're gonna be tight we've gotta start somewhere. I don't even know what kind of food you like. You could be a vegan and I wouldn't even know it.

[ Cisco turns his head slightly so he can press his cheek against Eddie's shoulder, voice coming out a little muffled as he asks: ]

You're not a vegan, are you?

[causational]

[That thought hadn't even occurred to Eddie, that he was saying anything bad about Cisco, though if he paused to consider it, he might realize what he was implying, what he does think, to some extent. That if Cisco were as demanding about his feelings as Barry and Iris are, that he'd get more attention for them. Still, he doesn't see that as a fault, not really, for a person to put others before themselves, which speaks a lot to his own personality, his priorities, his own tendency to ignore his own needs and not speak up for himself when he should.

It's a relief when Cisco says he'll keep the offer in mind, and really seems to mean it. Eddie still doesn't expect that he'll take him up on the offer, but he seems, at least, to appreciate it. He also seems to appreciate the arm over his shoulder, judging by the long sigh and the way he rests his head against his shoulder, his voice quiet as he says he'll have anything, that Eddie should tell him what his favourite is if they're going to be tight. Smiling a little, Eddie tightens his arm around Cisco's shoulders and rubs at the opposite one gently, his eyes bright as he looks down at him.]

Definitely not vegan. And it's pasta. Basically any kind of pasta. Tomato. Cream. Cheesy or not. Plain or with meat. If it comes on pasta noodles, I'm sold. Of course, I can't really eat a lot of pasta, but, you know, when I'm having a cheat day or something? That's what I go for.

[Shifting, he nudges against Cisco a little, surprised at the weird lightness he feels, the comfort, when Cisco presses his cheek into his shoulder and his voice can't help but come out muffled. He's a little startled, a little distressed, by how pretty Cisco looks with his hair hanging around his face.]

By the way, I'm totally not letting you skip out on answering that question. What's your favourite? If you could pick any meal in the world.

[franciscoramon]

[ Cisco smiles quietly at Eddie's answer - as straightforward and unpretentious as Eddie is, himself. And it's not lost on Cisco, either, the way he talks about pasta as an indulgence, says it's something he only has on 'cheat day's. That tells Cisco a lot: that Eddie is someone who eats healthy, in a way that is more scrupulous and even perhaps grudging than self-righteous.

Which is interesting, but perhaps not too surprising. One of the things Cisco had noticed right away about Eddie was that he took good care of himself. He dressed well, knew what to do with his hair, that he was never not put-together. That distinguished him from a lot of the other cops Cisco had met. Hell, from a lot of men. Stereotype or not, maybe he should've guessed a little sooner Eddie wasn't entirely straight.

He doesn't notice Eddie looking at him; the after-effects of the panic attack are sinking in, a kind of weakness and exhaustion that Cisco feels down to his bones. He's glad Eddie doesn't mind having Cisco draped on him like this He exhales slowly, considering the question.]

Wasn't skipping out on it. Just... considering my options. Do gummy worms count as a meal? Skittles?

[ Cisco huffs a tiny laugh, brushing his hair from his face and adding in a more serious voice: ]

Just kidding. Probably breakfast. Pancakes, and hash browns, bacon and eggs with hot sauce, and coffee. Lotsa coffee.

[causational]

[Part of him is intensely relieved when Cisco doesn't ask about the 'cheat day' thing, because it isn't really something that he'd intended to say. The fact that he has to be careful about what he eats isn't something he's exactly proud of, and even if he's comfortable talking about his history as a fat kid, it's not really something he usually brags about. And when he does, well, it's always in the past tense, focusing on the fact that he's better now, not that it's something ongoing, something he still has to work on in order to avoid becoming that person again. To avoid becoming the fat slob who doesn't fit in, he has cheat days, he makes his hair match up to whatever's in the magazines, he picks the right clothing, he makes sure he's well presented. Anything to fit in.

But that's not what Cisco asked about and so it's easy to keep it to himself. Easy not to say it out loud, honesty or not. Admitting it to himself is enough, and it's easy to move to the next topic, to focus on Cisco's body resting against his and the casual comfort of rubbing his shoulder, providing comfort. There's something about it that makes Eddie feel strong, stable.]

Gummy worms and Skittles do not at all count as meals. How do you not have scurvy?

[It's gentle, teasing, and he shakes his head a bit, brightening at the mention of breakfast.]

I love breakfast too! I make big ones for myself and Yuri every morning, you know? I haven't got any hot sauce, but why don't I make you one? If you want, you can borrow one of my hoodies, and you can come stay in the kitchen with me and I'll cook for you.

[And when Cisco agrees, Eddie finds one of his biggest comfiest clean post-gym hoodies, and then leads him out into the kitchen, where he makes them both a big breakfast-for-dinner. And it's good. It's better than he could've anticipated considering the circumstances. In fact, by the end of the night, he's glad all of this happened.]