Eddie Thawne (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
causational) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
riverviewlogs2017-04-20 05:12 pm
causational) wrote in riverviewlogs2017-04-20 05:12 pm
open ✪ i'm on the pursuit of happiness and i know
who: eddie thawne & OPEN
what: rainbow fireflies, catch-all; open prompts under the cut
when: april 20th forward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: tba in subject lines
✪ i. riverwoof pet café
I am also open to honest orange firefly bites, or lustful red firefly bites, but would like to plan those out a bit first, so hit me up in PM or at![[plurk.com profile]](https://plurk.com/favicon.ico)
caffemisto to figure it out.
what: rainbow fireflies, catch-all; open prompts under the cut
when: april 20th forward
where: around the quarantine
warnings: tba in subject lines
✪ i. riverwoof pet café
[Eddie has owned more cats than dogs, but that's mostly down to cats being a bit easier to maintain - it isn't that he likes them more. And sure, he'd asked about cats on the network post he'd replied to about this place, and he's interested in adopting one...but he definitely loves dogs. They're so cheerful and friendly, they love so unconditionally in a way that makes Eddie feel at ease.✪ ii. rainbow bite
So here he is, carrying a strong americano with a bit of cream and sugar-free-vanilla that tastes way better than the sugar-free-vanilla at home, wandering among the seats and trying to find an empty one while he tries to decide which dog he wants to pet first.]
Oh...excuse me, do you mind if I share this space?
[It's said pleasantly enough to the person occupying the other half of the only table with an empty spot in the place. Well. At least it's doing good business.]
Eddie is going to be out and about around the city, both on the job as a police officer and off-duty. He frequents bars, coffee shops, outdoor markets, clubs to dance at, and anywhere you can get a good craft beer or weird street food.I know these prompts are either vague or very limited, and I don't wanna make you do all the work, so feel free to just set your character up in an open space (optionally drop your preferred firefly colour in the subject line) and I'll approach with Eddie.
While out and about, he might get bitten by fireflies:
✪ YELLOW: Eddie is not one to give in to fear, but he definitely feels it. This firefly will make him a bit jumpy and paranoid, looking over his shoulder a lot.
✪ GREEN: Eddie is not a naturally jealous or envious person, so if he gets bitten by one of these, it'll wear off fast. But not fast enough to stop him from asking for a bite of whatever you're eating, because it looks delicious...
✪ BLUE: Eddie is carrying a lot of grief and loneliness that he's hiding very comfortably under happiness. While he's still good at hiding it if he's bitten, if you run into him at a bar or when he's had a beer, he'll look off-kilter and upset and be more open to talking about sad stuff. CW: The blue firefly will probably come with talk of his death by suicide.
✪ PURPLE: Eddie's already an affectionate person by nature, and he has zero interest in hiding it, so if you so much as chat with him he'll probably end up giving you shoulder squeezes, hugs, and more depending on how real the conversation gets.
I am also open to honest orange firefly bites, or lustful red firefly bites, but would like to plan those out a bit first, so hit me up in PM or at
no subject
But any further speculation about the layers of complexity underneath the shiny public image of Detective Eddie Thawne gets cut off when he starts talking about the bite again, saying it made it impossible for him to lie. Or, it sounds like, be anything other than completely honest.
Cisco just stares for a moment as the words sink in, and then, without another word, releases the fireflies he had cupped between his hands at that moment, pulls his sleeves down over his hands, and reaches back a moment later to tug his hood over his head and then tighten the drawstrings so only his face is showing. The intent behind these actions is clear - he believes Eddie, and has absolutely no interest in being stung, himself. Cisco has way too many volatile secrets to risk it.
Unfortunately, these precautions have exactly the opposite effect than Cisco intended. As soon as he tightens the hoodie, he releases the drawstrings with a loud, shocked: ]
Ow! Ow!!
[ He pulls the hood back down again, shakes out his hair with a kind of frantic urgency. Two fireflies zoom away - one yellow, the other violet. Cisco presses a hand over his neck where, sure enough, two little pinpricks of red are standing out. It's clear what must have happened; there had been fireflies clinging to his hair, and when he'd pulled up his hood, he'd trapped them, and they had stung him in fright. And now he definitely feels what Eddie had been describing - a numb feeling, mixed with a sort of tingling, like the blood rushing back into your hand or foot after it's fallen asleep. ]
Fuck me. We should go inside. Uh- now. Before this escalates.
no subject
But there's something about this firefly bite that, he thinks, is stopping him from being able to take his time to think before he speaks. Stops him from being able to consider things and make sure he's not making himself look stupid before he lets the words out. For a moment, he hesitates, uncomfortable and uncertain and wanting to stay silent until he figures out what's going on, while Cisco starts immediately trying to cover up and then bursts out with two large shouts of pain.]
Oh my god, are you okay?
[Eddie steps forward, looks at the red marks on Cisco's neck as the younger man pulls his hair away from his neck. Leaning in, Eddie peers at it until Cisco presses his hand over the wound, and licks his lips.]
Well, it doesn't look really physically serious, at least. Just like little mosquito bites. And, anyway, if you get the honesty thing, I at least...probably know your biggest secret? About Barry?
[Eddie bites his inner lip, and nods, trying to keep his mouth shut, reaching out to tug at Cisco's sleeve and head toward the apartments.]
Let's go to my apartment. We can sit in my room until it passes. At least I have a door to close...
no subject
Hopefully. ]
Barry?!
[ It doesn't take a firefly sting to make the surprise in that question all too clear; Cisco has got no idea what on Earth Eddie is talking about. It never occurs to him that Eddie might think Barry being the Flash is somehow Cisco's biggest secret. Instead, his brain tries to grasp at possibilities. Does Eddie think that Cisco secretly loves Barry? Secretly hates him? Secretly envies him? All of those options seem equally ludicrous to Cisco. ]
What d'you mean?
[ If he stopped to think, he would realize that asking Eddie questions right now isn't exactly fair - if he's compelled to answer honestly, that puts Cisco at a really unfair advantage. But his neck stings and he's worried about poison and being whammied into spilling that he's a meta (which is by far the worse option of the two) and so he doesn't think the ethical implications of the question through.
He follows after Eddie, letting himself be tugged along, watching the swirl of fireflies around them warily. Fortunately, they hadn't gotten too far away from the housing building. Cisco is glad for Eddie's offer: his room is probably a lot more private than Cisco's and in the awful event that he is effected by the firefly sting, he wants to keep the situation as contained as possible. ]
no subject
You know. About him being...you know.
[It comes out lamely, but Eddie still makes an expression indicating that he's alluding to something he's not saying. That should...hopefully...make it clear enough, because even if Barry isn't here, Eddie doesn't want to pre-emptively out him or anything, just in case.]
If I was going to tell my biggest secret, that'd probably be it, you know?
[Eddie doesn't have secrets. Not really. So for the moment, it doesn't register that it might be unfair for Cisco to ask him questions, because he can't really think of anything he'd hide from people. More than anything, he's concerned about looking stupid. Once they're on his floor, Eddie unlocks the door to his apartment and gestures for Cisco to head inside, following him in and calling for Yuri. Getting no response, he sighs in relief and heads into his room.
It isn't much, just a single bed, desk, and small dresser and closet, but it's private, at least. Eddie gestures vaguely at the bed and desk.]
So are you...feeling anything different than usual?
no subject
[ Cisco offers the words with a half-grin; he's certain what Eddie was referring to, now, but it's still funny to hear him talking around it as if it's some kind of bad word. It makes sense, in a way, that Eddie wouldn't be as used to talking openly about Barry's superhero identity. For Eddie, the secret had only been revealed a little while ago - Cisco has known him for months and months, and never really knew Barry without knowing him as the Flash. He'd had who knows how many conversations with people about Barry being the Flash - with Joe, with Barry himself, with Caitlin, with Dr. Wells. It isn't something he has any trouble talking about.
When Eddie says that that would be his biggest secret, Cisco does an actual double take of surprise. ]
Wait, for real?
[ He doesn't mean to react so strongly, but it's kind of a shocking thing to hear - which probably says a lot about Cisco, and how he lives his life compared with Eddie. Eddie's biggest secret is about someone else; Cisco doesn't think Barry's identity even ranks in his top ten secrets. Of course, he doesn't go blabbing it around, but Cisco doesn't think of it as a secret in the same way that other things are secrets. It's not personal. It's not shameful.
When Eddie shows him into his room, Cisco looks around, eyes moving between the bed and the desk. It's... small. A little claustrophobic. Cisco feels a prickle of unease when Eddie shuts the door behind them, which is kind of weird, but he ignores it. He briefly considers the bed before making a beeline for the desk, perching on the chair and turning it to face the bed so that Eddie can sit there and they can converse.
The fact that Eddie doesn't have any other secrets more serious than that is somehow, weirdly, endearing to Cisco. He feels oddly like laughing, but holds it back. Is there really anyone out there who is that honest?
Normally, Cisco would wonder a tiny bit if Eddie were maybe stretching the truth. Sometimes it was the people who said they had no secrets who ended up having the most. Considering what he said the firefly sting had done... well, it has to be true, doesn't it? Unless the firefly sting didn't make Eddie honest at all, and Eddie is a much better actor than Cisco gives him credit for.
That thought makes Cisco's throat feel a little tight; you couldn't trust anybody, after all. Not even the ones who seemed good. Cisco has had his "fool me once, shame on you" and doesn't want to add a "fool me twice, shame on me". He shifts in his chair and almost misses the question Eddie asks; when his reply comes it's a little too fast to seem totally natural: ]
No! No, everything's good...
no subject
[Despite everything that's happened, despite his death, despite the fact that Eddie knows Barry wants to be with Iris, despite knowing that they'll probably hook up before he's in the ground for a year, Eddie still says that name with a strong undercurrent of fondness. Despite everything, he still believes that Barry is a good person, he hopes that he and Iris get together because it means she'll be with someone who will take care of her and make sure she's happy.]
And yes. Really. I mean, I guess there are a few things I don't really openly talk about, but I wouldn't call them secrets, you know? Like, hooking up with someone at the Flower Festival and stuff.
[His face goes abruptly pale, and then flushes hot red again, and he brings his hand up over his mouth, eyes wide and round.]
Oh my god.
[Immediately, Eddie is trying to cover, trying to direct the conversation back onto Cisco before he can blurt something else stupid, sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed and huffing out a breath.]
Are you sure? You look a little tense.
[Tilting his head, Eddie's eyes skim up and down the length of Cisco as he sits on the edge of the chair, leaning in a little.]
Do you need a glass of water or anything? I know I felt really warm right after I got bitten...
no subject
[ Cisco doesn't know why that surprises him so much. He's only ever really known Eddie in the context of Eddie-and-Iris, the inseparable unit. But, looking back, were they actually that inseparable? They'd been engaged when Eddie died, sure, but Cisco also knows that their engagement had been called off for a bit before that. And he knows there had been rocky patches, before. How many times had Barry swanned into S.T.A.R. Labs, grinning like a kid on Christmas, and not admitting until he was pressed that Iris had mentioned having a fight with Eddie or complained about Eddie.
And the more he thinks about it, the more it's understandable. It's not like Eddie is ever going home. This is his home now. Since that's true, it would make sense that Eddie is trying to move on, meet new people, forget about what he can't have anymore, have a bit of fun. Cisco is glad for him - happy that he has this second chance, that he's not wasting it moping, that while Cisco was getting settled in and finding his bearings Eddie was off making memories. ]
I know it's totally unfair grilling you about this when you're on firefly truth serum but like, who, when, how, highlights.
[ He ticks the four things off on his fingers. Cisco catches the look Eddie gives him, but it doesn't take a detective to see that he's deflecting, and Cisco will have none of it. He waves a dismissive hand; there's a half-drunk water bottle by the bed and Cisco helps himself to it, not really thinking of it as crossing any kind of boundaries or being too familiar. It's just Eddie, after all. Eddie won't mind.
Cisco chugs the rest of the bottle - Eddie had been right, he is feeling too warm - and then stops, looking at the bottle with a touch of skepticism. ]
Does the water here taste funny to you? You don't think there's anything in it, right? I mean... mind-control drugs or dangerous space chemicals or anything like that?
no subject
Okay first off, yeah, it is totally unfair, but like I said, I don't think it's exactly a secret. [Another shrug, and he takes a breath.] It's this guy I met here, Taako? I think you might've talked to him when you did your poll thing. He's an elf, and has this really long beautiful hair. We went to one of the raves, he talked me into trying one of the powder rooms, we played tag, and one thing led to another...
[A shrug, a little laugh, and he lifts his chin, glancing at Cisco nervously.]
I mean. It was good. I don't regret it. We've been out a couple more times since then. He's really cool. Which is really weird to say when he's an elf who does magic with an umbrella, but there it is.
[When Cisco asks about the water, suddenly, Eddie's brows furrow and he blinks in a sort of confused, startled way.]
What? No. The water tastes fine, and I haven't felt like there were chemicals or drugs affecting me...why?
no subject
[ For a wonderful moment, the rising tide of unease in Cisco is swept away, leaving only surprise and joy; there's a whole lot that's surprising about that answer. Somehow, Cisco hadn't really expected Taako to be Eddie's... type, in any a few different ways. File that information away for later. And he hadn't been expecting Eddie's hookup would be someone he had heard of, let alone someone he'd had an actual conversation with. And the fact that it had happened at a rave - at arave ... it's all just so delicious and sordid and very un-Eddie Thawne. Or at least, not like Eddie Thawne as Cisco had thought of him. But he's starting to realize maybe his idea of Eddie had been pretty incomplete. ]
He is really cool. I met him. I didn't realize you two were- [ Eddie hadn't said they were dating, exactly, only that they'd been out a few times, and Cisco doesn't want to presume or put labels on anything. So he hesitates, floundering, before finishing the sentences rather lamely: ] -uh. Acquainted.
[ Cisco is a little tempted to ask more, for the salacious details that Eddie had skirted around, but he thinks better of it. That really would be taking advantage of the situation, and he doesn't want to do that. Eddie deserves better than that, 'cause he's a good person. A nice person who had shot himself in the chest to kill the worst monster Cisco had ever met in his life. He'd done that.
Before he really means to be, Cisco is speaking agian: ]
I'm happy for you. Seriously. Like - I know we were never tight or anything but you're a great dude, and you deserve to have some good stuff happen to you.
[ A dim, more logical part of Cisco's mind registers that those well-wishes probably sound a little too effusive. Sure, Cisco isn't afraid to express himself, and he's ready to be cheesy when the situation calls for it. But normally he refrains from this level of schmaltz.
Cisco rubs at the spot on his neck where he'd been bitten; the skin feels a little too hot, or maybe that's from the friction of his hand's nervous movement. He should probably stop. He should probably wash the wound off - would that help any? No, it wouldn't, if there were a toxin it would already be in his system by now.
He is so preoccupied worrying about this that he almost misses Eddie's question. Cisco shrugs and folds his arms over his chest. ]
You never know. Can't be too careful, right? [ Cisco laughs, but it's just a bit frayed around the edges - not really a convincing mimicry of real amusement. ] And the water tasted kinda funny.
no subject
Yeah. Acquainted. I mean, we're not...together or anything but I like hanging out with him. And I'm serious about his hair, it's great, isn't it? I guess I like guys with long hair...
[Another thing he shouldn't have said out loud. Chewing his inner lip to shut himself up, Eddie just watches Cisco as he babbles about how Eddie is a great dude and he deserves some good stuff to happen to him, and before Eddie realizes it, he's speaking.]
We should do it. Become tight, I mean. I always wanted to hang out more with you and Caitlin back home, but I couldn't, really, because of Barry and that, you know?
[Shrugging it off, he furrows his brows abruptly, tilting his head.]
Really? The water tasted funny? I didn't notice that when I had some earlier. Give me a minute, I can go grab a glass and try it again? Stay here, and I'll be back in a sec and I'll run to the kitchen for another bottle.
[Standing up, he starts toward the door. Maybe it will be good, for him to get some space, have some water. Maybe he'll get control of his mouth.]
no subject
Strange, too, because Cisco usually thinks of himself as a friendly guy. He's never thought badly of Eddie, despite how much Barry seemed peeved by him. But somehow Eddie's presence and the idea of him are particularly pleasant, at the moment. Maybe it's the firefly, maybe it's some kind of parallel-world-moon-stockholm-syndrome.
He really wants to ask about the Taako situation, but he restrains himself for the time being. That's a conversation where he should let Eddie have the option to lie a little, at least. When Eddie says he really likes guys with long hair, Cisco's eyebrows raise just a fraction. He opens his mouth to make a joke (or maybe just ask for more information), pauses, visibly thinks better of it. In the end he just says: ]
Would not have guessed that about you.
[ And then Eddie is saying, in that earnest way, that they should be tight, that he'd always wanted to hang out with Cisco but felt like he couldn't. Cisco thinks that hearing that at any time (even without whatever it is making him feel the way he does right now) would have hurt a little, because it's so totally unexpected. Ludicrous, almost, if it weren't for the fact that he knows Eddie is being honest. The thought of anyone wanting to be close to him but feeling prevented from it or too intimidated is laughable - enough that Cisco actually huffs a soft laugh. ]
What, seriously? You wanted to be friends... with me?!
[ And there's no point in asking Eddie what he means by because of Barry. Cisco might never have considered the possibility before, but he immediately comprehends Eddie's meaning. Barry, with his abandonment issues, with his poorly-concealed vein of pettiness, probably wouldn't have liked the guy who was dating the girl he was in love with becoming besties with the people he considered his best friends.
But still, what a missed opportunity. How had Cisco never picked up on that? Never had an inkling that Eddie had any thoughts about him in particular, apart from remembering his name and that he was That S.T.A.R. Labs Guy who made Captain Cold's gun and secretly worked with the Flash. ]
That's- I had no idea. I woulda been your friend. I mean- I get it, but Barry's a grown up. He woulda gotten over it. Uh... prolly
[ Cisco smiles at Eddie, realizes that it's not too late. ] Not woulda. Will I will totally be you friend, now. Here.
[ Eddie is rushing off to get a glass of water, then, before Cisco can stop him. He half-raises a hand in objection, but Eddie's already out the door and going to the kitchen. So Cisco rubs his hand over the tops of his thighs, sighs, and accepts it. Gives him a bit of a chance to snoop, anyway. Nothing serious, of course... he just gets up and starts looking at the things Eddie has in the room - he doesn't have many possessions.
Cisco is just picking up a paperback murder mystery, turning it over to read the back cover, when Eddie says something from the doorway. Cisco hadn't heard him coming back, hadn't realized someone was in the room, standing as close as Eddie is; he drops the book to the ground, whirling around, one hand coming to press hard over his heart, which is now racing. ]
Fuck!
no subject
Yeah, I mean. It isn't as if I was keeping it a secret or anything, I'm not ashamed, it just seemed like something Iris wouldn't like, you know? And you never knew me before Iris and I were together.
[Shrugging his shoulders, he smiles a little bit and glances downward, cheeks flushing. The smile fades, though, when Cisco continues talking about the problems with Barry.]
I know. I mean, I know he would've been able to get over it, but early on, it would've probably caused problems with him and Iris, and she really needed him as a friend. I never wanted to come between them, even though I could tell from really early on that he was in love with her. Then later on, after I knew about Barry, I thought he probably needed all the support he could get, with everything he was going through.
[Lifting his chin, he glances up at Cisco again and takes a deep breath, holding it for just a second before releasing it.]
And I guess I felt like you guys were so close then, you were family, and I never really fit into that dynamic.
[A shrug, and it's too much of a relief to get out of the room, then, because that was too much, too open, too vulnerable. So he drinks a glass of water and comes back into the room carrying a second, smiling. Cisco is holding one of his books when he gets there, and he walks over closer to see what he's looking at. It's then that Cisco jumps, jerking and gasping, a hand over his chest, dark eyes wide, and almost instinctively Eddie lifts both hands.]
Whoa, sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you okay?
no subject
And Eddie's right, too, that as uncomfortable as it is to think about, him befriending Cisco would've caused problems. More problems, anyway. It's odd, hearing Eddie talk about the situation. Cisco had thought, for some reason, that Eddie was kind of clueless to the dynamics - just dating Iris and seeing Barry as her friend and not picking up on the kind of weird tension between the two of them. But apparently, he'd been more aware than Cisco had given him credit for. And more selfless, too.
Cisco doesn't have much to say, when Eddie says he hadn't fit into the found-family dynamic at S.T.A.R. Labs. It's the truth, and not a very flattering one. The fondness he's feeling for Eddie is quickly picking up an undercurrent of guilt over not realizing all the little ways they had excluded him. Cisco hadn't known he wanted to be included, but he shouldn't have made that assumption.
He was going to say something. When Eddie came back, he was going to apologize, to figure out the right words to explain why they hadn't made a space for him in their dynamic. But those plans go completely out the window when Eddie comes back. ]
You scared the shit outta me.
[ Cisco leans back against the wall, hands coming up to cover his face. At first, it's normal. Anyone could have that reaction - get startled, jump, take a deep breath, laugh, get over it. But after a few seconds, Cisco can tell that something is not normal or proportional this time. His heart is still beating like crazy and his hands are shaking. Actually, all of him is shaking - probably from the adrenaline. Cisco curls forward and tries to breathe slowly and deeply, to get a handle on this weird freight train of terror that's slammed into him. He has very little success. ]
no subject
As far as Eddie's concerned, Cisco doesn't owe him an apology for not including him in that family dynamic, for not making space for him. It isn't as if he'd been part of everything, he'd come into it so late, after they'd dealt with so many ups and downs that it was less a feeling of being excluded than a feeling of being late to the party. Iris had a place ready-made for her, as close to Barry as she was, and with Joe, her father, part of the family already, but Eddie was simply the odd man out.
He simply hadn't fit, and Eddie's pretty used to not fitting in. It isn't anyone's fault - Eddie simply isn't cut out to fit in, it's a fact of life that it's harder for him to slip into social situations with the kind of grace he wishes he could. That, certainly, isn't anything Cisco could have fixed.
So the thought of expecting an apology or any of that hadn't been on his mind when he left the room, and it certainly isn't as he comes back into it. So he's completely focused on Cisco as the younger man leans against the wall, covers his face and breathes too quickly, too shallowly, tries to laugh it off but can't hide the fact that he's still afraid. Brows furrowing, Eddie steps in a bit closer.]
Hey, hey Cisco, come on, try to breathe deep and slow, okay?
[It's not hard to tell that Cisco's having what seems like a panic attack, and Eddie leans over, trying to catch his eyes.]
You're safe, everything's okay. Just keep breathing slow and really deep, okay?
[And, after a moment of thought, carefully.]
Can I touch you?
no subject
But because there had been the purple firefly, too, the feeling is entirely different - a sort of chemical reaction has combined fear and fondness into something that isn't really either. Even with his face covered he hears Eddie talking, saying something about breathing slow and deep (as if that were going to happen). And Cisco feels affection for him, and the gentle voice he's using like he's talking to a shy animal or something like that. But then right on the heels of that, the fear chimes in he probably snuck up on you on purpose; he did this, you can't trust that tone. And then the affection follows right back up, saying that Eddie's a good person, has always been kind to him. Why would he want to do something as silly as startle CIsco on purpose. But of course, next comes the fear, saying that Cisco has been wrong about people before, and shouldn't trust his own judgments about people, or their motives.
It's a perplexing enough whirlwind of racing thoughts that he misses Eddie's question about touching him, has no warning before he feels a very light pressure against his shoulder. Cisco drops his hands and Eddie is right there. So he reels away - the wall is behind him so he scoots to the side and then past Eddie, backing up a few clumsy paces into the center of the room. He arms are pulled up to his chest, hands balling into fists, and he manages to stammer: ]
It's g-gotta be... gotta be the fireflies, this isn't how it normally feels, this is w-way w-worse. I-
[ Which, unfortunately, is when he feels it happening - a terrible lurch in his gut, a feeling like he's falling, and then the world flickers out around him. Another one of his awful visions that he doesn't understand and can never seem to predict or prevent. From the outside, Cisco just freezes, a vacant look on his face, eyes unfocused and unblinking, still tense but unresponsive for almost a full minute. ]
no subject
I'm sorry!
[Eddie's hands lift so Cisco can see them, his heart is racing, his eyes are wide, and he's staring at the younger man, trying to work out what's going on. The guilt is intense, twisting in his gut, and he shouldn't have touched him, it was stupid, and he's only made things worse. Far worse.]
Okay. Okay. So different colours do different things, I get that. Just try to remember it's just the firefly, there's nothing wrong right now, you're okay...
[Eddie's voice trails off, though, as he registers that Cisco's expression is falling blank, and Eddie goes silent, his own panic rising. The symptoms Cisco had been showing before were pretty standard for a panic attack, something Eddie could work with, but this is something else entirely. For a moment, he's silent, staring at Cisco, mind racing - is it narcolepsy, a seizure? What's the word for that? Absence seizure? Staring at Cisco, his heart racing, he tries to remember everything he can about epilepsy and what other conditions might cause seizures.]
Oh god...
no subject
He comes back to himself with a loud sucked-in breath, blinking rapidly, waiting for the world around him to stop shuddering and to slip back into focus. Eddie is standing close to him, but not too close, looking just about as miserable as it is possible for a person to be. Cisco wants to cover up for what just happened, and to comfort Eddie, but how would he even begin to do that? He opens his mouth, but he just... blanks. No words come to mind. No excuses or explanations or unconvincing lies.
Part of Cisco wants to just leave, to bolt out the door and make his apologies later. He probably would have, too, if he had anywhere private of his own to go. But if he doesn't want Eddie to see him in this state, he really doesn't want anyone else to. Which means staying here, and finding some way, any way, to calm himself the fuck down.
So when an idea comes into Cisco's head, he doesn't stop to consider it. He just acts. ]
Sorry for this.
[ Then, without asking permission, without preamble, he walks over to Eddie's bed, pulls back the sheets and climbs onto it. Cisco is just visible curling up as tight as he can for a moment before he's pulling the sheets and blankets over himself and hiding, like a little kid who has had a nightmare, or seen a monster. In a way, both are true. And maybe it's weird, just tucking himself away like this, but it helps. For Cisco, the dark is better than the bright lights, and even if he knows it's an illusion, he feels contained, protected. ]
This is so lame.
[ Whether Cisco means the fear-inducing bite itself, or his behavior, or his solution to combat the fear, is up to interpretation. ]
no subject
He's still trying to figure out what to say, how to ask about what just happened without being inconsiderate, insensitive, how to ask what he can do to help, to make it better, when Cisco abruptly apologizes and turns. The younger man crosses over to Eddie's bed, crawls in, and pulls the blankets up over his head, curls up in a tiny ball. For a moment, Eddie is completely caught off-guard by it, and then he smiles to himself, half out of relief and half out of the sheer weirdness of the situation.
When Cisco gripes that this is lame, Eddie shakes his head a bit, and goes over to the bed. Crossing the room, Eddie sits down on the edge of the bed and reaches out, gently pressing his hand against his shoulder.]
Hey. It's fine. You do what you need to so you can feel okay, and there's no need to apologize. Just...
[Carefully, tentatively, Eddie starts rubbing Cisco's shoulder through the sheet and blanket, squeezing gently off and on.]
Just that know I won't let anything bad happen to you. You're safe here.
no subject
And Eddie doesn't demand to know what the ever-loving fuck Cisco thinks he's doing. He doesn't make fun of him, or interrogate him. Instead he just sits beside Cisco, comforting him without even needing to be asked. Cisco quietly scoots a little closer to Eddie, not caring how stupid it must look, knowing he's nothing more than a miserable lump under some blankets right now from Eddie's point of view. Gradually, Cisco's loud and ragged breaths even out, start to come slower bit by bit.
When Eddie says he won't let anything bad happen to Cisco is when the worst of the fear finally breaks, loosens its hold on him enough that he can find his voice again: ]
You're a very, very good man, Eddie Thawne. Very very good. We're talking possible sainthood.
[ He can't quite infuse the right amount of lightness and humor into the words, but at leas the's attempting to be funny again. That's a good sign. Cisco is still shaking like a leaf, but his heart is beating at a more normal speed and he can feel the panic ebbing, slowly. ]
As soon as all this is over I'm gonna steal a hazmat suit, go outside and bugspray every one of those colorful little bastards.
[ Okay, he isn't actually that vindictive, but it's a nice thought right now. ]
You know I'm not normally this much of a weirdo, right? I mean, sure I'm weird, but in a sane person way. This is all on the bugs. Please don't judge me.
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When Cisco says he's a good man, Eddie snorts slightly, laughs softly, his hand still moving in idle circles against Cisco's shoulder through the blanket.]
Not really. It's pretty much common decency.
[Eddie can feel Cisco still shaking, his whole body trembling even as he makes jokes, tries to keep the tone light, and that's familiar, somehow. Relatable. Eddie might not make jokes, but he absolutely understands the desire to cover something that makes him feel weak with something that doesn't. Cisco's jokes are like his own smiles and assertions that he's fine, and something about that makes him feel a rush of fondness for Cisco and a desire not to ask questions at the same time. To not push and to give Cisco his dignity.
It's nice that Cisco gives him the opportunity to offer reassurance, at least, and Eddie jumps on it.]
Of course. I mean, the firefly bit you, and you got scared, just like I got honest. I'm not going to judge you for that, especially when I know...I know about all the stuff at home. I know you've got a lot of things that your brain can dredge up when you're scared.
[Eddie gently squeezes Cisco's shoulder again, shifting against the bed.]
One question though. Do you think bugspray is good enough, or should we bring a flamethrower?
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[ Cisco is profoundly grateful that it is Eddie here, seeing him like this. Normally, he would think it is better to be alone. Better to ride out any badness in private and then pretend it wasn't real as soon as he was around friends. But Eddie's presence is a comfort. Even when his mind feels like a fire alarm that won't turn off, telling him the sky is going to rip open, the world come tumbling down around him, that he will die and be dead forever, Eddie had said he wasn't going to let anything happen to him. And Cisco believes it. He'd done it before, after all. When everything seemed completely lost, Eddie had swooped in and saved everyone, given up his life for it.
Part of his gratitude towards Eddie right now is whatever the fireflies had done, and Cisco knows that. But he thinks, not all of it. Just like not all of the fear is, either. After all, if Eddie's bite resulted in him being his most honest self - in words and in deeds - and this is him at his most honest self? Eddie is thoroughly worth admiring. ]
I definitely woulda taken 'chronic oversharing' instead of 'panic attack 'cause someone walked in the room and you didn't see them', if I'd had a choice. And personally I vote for improvised flamethrower made out of bug spray. That's the way to go. Toxic fiery justice. I totally know how to do it, too.
[ And then Eddie says I know about all the stuff at home and Cisco, who had been adjusting how he is curled up so his leg wouldn't fall asleep, goes still. A moment later he is sitting up, emerging from under the sheets (though he keeps them wrapped tightly around his shoulders and back). His hair is a mess and he doesn't even bother trying to fake a smile. But he looks at Eddie, swallows, and asks in a small voice: ]
How'd you know? I mean, that that was what happened, just now?
[ The connection may have been easy for Eddie to draw, but it's very surprising to Cisco. The fact is that he's grown accustomed to not having to put in too much effort for his distress to go under the radar. If it had been Barry here, Cisco's sure he would have chalked the whole thing up to 100% fireflies, none of it real, none of it rooted in Cisco's actual mind. But Eddie, who barely knows him, who can only know a tiny handful of details about the situation with dying and then remembering it and everything that came after, made the connection. What else could he mean by 'the stuff at home'?
Chewing at his bottom lip, Cisco drops his gaze and adds: ]
Sometimes I think... sometimes I'm pretty sure everybody forgets that- [ He can't quite bring himself to use specific language, so he shrugs and finishes somewhat lamely: ] -that there was stuff.
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If I could trade you, I would. [It's not just the firefly bite that makes that sound honest - Eddie's used to fear, has learned dozens of coping mechanisms to keep him from succumbing to it. He could handle it, where it looks like Cisco is struggling.] And why am I not surprised that you know how to rain down toxic fiery justice on someone?
[That part is said fondly, his voice warm, the smile evident in the sound of it. The smile falls a little as Cisco emerges suddenly from under the blankets, wrapping them around his shoulders, looking up at Eddie with wide eyes and his hair sticking up in every direction. When he asks how Eddie knows that was what happened and that he's pretty sure everyone forgets that Cisco had things to be afraid of back home.
Blinking, Eddie considers it for a moment, chewing his inner lip.]
I guess, because it's normal, when someone is triggered into a panic attack, for their mind to jump to things they've experienced that made them afraid. I meet a lot of people who've had traumatic things happen to them, and it's pretty common for people who've gone through that kind of thing to react the way you did.
[The last part, though...that's a bit concerning, and Eddie's blue eyes stay locked on Cisco's face for a long moment, searching Cisco's face. It hasn't been long since they set that trap for Eobard, and that entire stretch of time is very clear in his memory because of the personal issues he'd been having. He remembers, very clearly, the first time he'd heard about time travel being a real thing. Remembers the plan to trap Eobard and the way Cisco had said that Eobard's super-speeding hand had shredded his heart, remembers the way his heart had jumped and his head had jerked around so he could see if Cisco was being serious.]
Really? After everything you've been through, people forget? Aren't they supposed to be your friends?
[Immediately, he winces, because there's no way he would've said that if he hadn't been bitten by the honesty bug. Maybe, he might've gently probed, delicately, diplomatically, out of curiosity, but he never would've spoken about anyone that way to a friend of theirs, even if he thought it.]
I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that out loud.
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And Eddie hadn't questioned that label, or overreacted to the idea of panic attacks being a thing that happened to someone. In fact, he'd gone so far as to say that all those crazy somersaults Cisco's mind had gone through just now were... normal. Common. That they came with the territory. While Cisco isn't entirely sure that he's exactly like everyone else (most people couldn't see into erased timelines, could they?), there's still something very steadying about the fact that Eddie isn't shocked by any of this. ]
Guess you'd have to know that as a cop. Didn't think of that.
[ Cisco had helped the CCPD, sure, but he helped from a distance. He dealt with metas and their abilities and the gear that needed to be made to take them down. He didn't come into contact with victims, didn't have to think about the messy side of human tragedy that was an everyday part of Eddie's career.
And Eddie's anger, his righteous confusion and consternation that Cisco's friends would forget what he's been through, is like a separate revelation. Cisco shifts, guts twisting uneasily. It had always seemed natural to him, and he's quick to respond: ]
Of course they're my friends, but they're not- it wasn't- everyone else's lives are- they've been through- they're not obligated to-
[ He and Eddie talk over one another - Eddie's apologies and Cisco's excuses for his friends. But he can't quite finish any of those thoughts; each of them isn't something he's really thought all the way through before. And there's just so much conviction in that set-jawed look Eddie had given him. Like Cisco's friends ought to remember something like that.
Cisco shrugs, glumly, eyes dropping down. He's aware enough of it now to know the fireflies have got to be contributing to the sudden, bone-deep worry that his friends don't really care about him at all, that this is a sign that they are only tolerating him but have no affection for him whatsoever, that he loves them all and they laugh at him behind his back. Cisco says, a little hollowly: ]
You don't gotta apologize. You can't help it.
[ He reaches up and tries to tuck his hair into some semblance of order, drawing in deep, slow breaths through his nose and trying to will the rest of the adrenaline out of his system. ]
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It doesn't even occur to him that Cisco's response is over the top or to overreact, to give it not enough or too much power. It's simply a psychological and physical response to trauma, and whether or not Eddie said it directly, there are a dozen things he can think of off the top of his head that have happened to Cisco that could cause that level of trauma, and the thing with the heart shredding is only the most major.]
Yeah. I see a lot of panic attacks. It feels awful, but it's not weird. [A pause, while he tries to wrangle his overly-honest mind into being more tactful.] I have to admit, I haven't seen anyone go blank like you did, though. I don't think it's just a more rare response, maybe? And...
[Licking his lips, he furrows his brows a bit with the effort of trying to word things better, more tactfully, more empathetically while his mind is refusing to let him obscure the truth. Because the truth is that he thinks it's a little distasteful that Barry and the others could forget about Cisco's problems. Eddie's seen them interact before, all of them, and noticed it before, in a vague sort of subconscious way - that Cisco and Caitlin are on a different level than Barry. Hell, he's felt it himself, before, like Barry's destiny and Barry's struggles come before anyone else's.]
I guess, I just thought that Barry was a nicer person than that, you know? He's always putting other people first, I didn't think he'd take you or Caitlin for granted.
[It comes out before he manages to even try to police himself, and he groans, shaking his head as Cisco starts pushing hair behind his ears, taking deep breaths.]
I don't mean that to make Barry sound bad. I'm not sure what I'm saying.
[He doesn't miss the slight hollowness in Cisco's tone when he says that Eddie doesn't have to apologize, the emptiness that comes in the wake of Eddie's words, and again, he's blurting out exactly what's on his mind instead of the right thing, and he thinks he might go crazy if this goes on much longer.]
I guess I'm saying that what you went through matters. I know, I remember, how it always felt like we were all focusing on Barry's destiny. For a while, I forgot that I had my own life to live, my own future, because I was so caught up in his. You do too, you know?
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Defending Barry proves a nice distraction, one that Cisco throws himself into whole-heartedly. He knows that it isn't Eddie's fault; he's saying everything that comes into his mind, right now, and even Cisco has had passing thoughts of resentment and skepticism about his closest friends, once or twice. It's just something that happens to everyone, something no one else is supposed to know about. But Eddie isn't afforded that regular privacy right now. ]
He is a nice person. He's not taking me for granted, it's just, with his mom, you know, you can see why he wouldn't wanna spend a lot of time thinking about Dr. Wells killing me, 'cause it makes him think about her. And Caitlin- y'know, she had the hardest time believing it was true, that he was really evil. Of course she doesn't wanna dwell on it. Plus, it's not like they're, y'know, changing the subject every time I try to talk about it because I don't talk about it, like, ever anymore, so it's not...
[ Cisco means for these explanations to come out strong and confident, but even as he says them, they're not adding up to the solid defense he had intended. He lapses into silence as Eddie, obviously frustrated at something (whether it's his own compulsive truthfulness or Cisco himself is anyone's guess), talks about how he'd de-prioritized his own life in favor of Barry's. And that... there's a sting of truth in that. Because hadn't Cisco told Barry how much he didn't want things to change, before Barry ran into the past? And sure, he'd made the right call eventually, but Cisco had been willing to let his entire life get rewritten for Barry's sake. For just a moment, he has a glimpse of the fact that maybe that was not the healthiest thing. ]
...Yeah.
[ It might only be one word, one syllable, but it's heavy with agreement. The fight, the will to argue just completely goes out of Cisco. He thinks about Eddie's destiny. Eddie's life, that he hadn't gotten the chance to really live. Only a few years older than Cisco, and already dead. A fucking tragedy.
He sighs and, without saying anything else, lets his head drop to rest on Eddie's shoulder. Probably this strange need for contact is the fireflies at work again, but Cisco's not going to waste energy fighting that side of things. He has to save up his strength if the fear comes back. ]
Sorry tonight is such a disaster, man.
[ If he'd known things would go this disastrously wrong, he wouldn't have convinced Eddie to come firefly catching with him. Cisco hopes, glumly, that this hasn't totally ruined their chances at real friendship. In a quiet voice, he asks: ]
Can I stay here a little while longer?
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