riverviewlogs | [open] Here I am

I.

"Ben…"

How many times has she whispered that name? One that was supposed to stay buried. One that should be forgotten because it belonged to a ghost. Yet, when it leaves Rey’s lips, it’s spoken in a soft tone. As though he’s real, as though he’s alive and didn’t die at the hands of another. The name is whispered to a head with thick black hair as Rey curls up against a body that’s taller than hers. She looks content, happy as she holds 'Ben' close to her. His long arms come around her, holding her close while his head rests on top of hers.

Or maybe you see her covered in snow. Someone dumped all of it on her. There’s no movement for a few seconds that seem to drag on for what feels like an eternity, but her arm sticks out and little by little, Rey comes out. She’s cold, wet, but she doesn’t look upset. She’s looking at the man with a scar on his face not with anger, but with surprise. Soon, Rey starts to laugh and Ben slowly joins in with her. It’s not a shallow laugh, one done out of awkward pretense, but a full belly one. She can’t believe Ben—Kylo Ren, used the Force to dump snow on her in order to win their little snowball fight.

"Next time I'll wear my gloves and…who knows, maybe I'll best you." she tells him, and he offers her his hand to help her stand up.

Regardless of the scene, Rey was the first one to pull back and say goodbye. As she leaves, she wonders if maybe there was a chance he could be more than what he thinks his ‘destiny’ should be. She wants to know more about him—not Ben Solo, son of Leia Organa and Han Solo, not Kylo Ren who studied under Snoke and member of the First Order. No, she wants to know who Ben was…and see if his path could change.

"…It’s nothing..." she tells the person next to her in a soft tone, preparing herself to defend what they saw and what feelings surfaced.

II.

It’s their first night together, all of them: Finn, Poe, BB-8, and Rey. They’re all crashing together at Poe’s apartment, and Rey wouldn’t have it any other way. Though, space was cramped, it’s the first time she feels safe and at peace with things. Poe was back, not the same as before, but he was back. Finn was alive and doing well, especially after his fight with Kylo Ren. Then there was BB-8, the droid who unintentionally changed her life. All of her friends were together again.

She was on the couch, laying down and using her arm as a pillow. Her mind was trying to comprehend how impossible it was that all of them were together. The odds of it were astounding, and really, they were needed to be with the Resistance, but for right now…she could be happy. Though she’s made friends here at the Quarantine, none of them could replace the ones she first made back home. Her mind can’t wind down, too excited, too happy about the moment. Unable to fall asleep, she gets up to head to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

It wasn’t until she entered the kitchen that she felt someone behind her.

"Did I wake you?"

Edited 2018-01-30 06:53 (UTC)

It’ll be okay, Rey tells herself, as she’s walking down the halls of Snoke’s ship. Her hands are cuffed together and her saber isn’t by her side. It’s been taken away from her. She had given herself to the First Order in the hopes of persuading Ben to leave Snoke. He was more than that monster. He was powerful on his own. He could come back to the Light.

"I had a vision. When we touched, I saw you and you wouldn’t bow down to Snoke. You can turn against him, I know you can, Ben."

Ben—Kylo Ren ignores her, staying silent as he brings her into Snoke’s throne room where the rest of his red guards—The Elite Preatorian Guards stand waiting for any sudden movements. They were there for Snoke’s protection, as though the monstrous creature needed it. Snoke was impressed by her, but Rey wasn’t going to take his flattery. She refused to tell him where Master Skywalker was. The word ‘no’ wasn’t in the monter's vocabulary.

He sneered at her, opting to reach into her mind instead and claw the information out. Pain flooded her senses as her body is levitated off the ground. He’s more powerful than she expected. No matter how hard she tries to fight, no matter how loud she screams, no one moves. Snoke gets what he wants and it leaves her feeling hollow. He could get to Skywalker now...but she wouldn’t be deterred. Rage and fury fill her instead, a determination to bring him down, no matter the cost. Even when he releases her, she summons the lightsaber to her side, trying to strike him down. Her lightsaber is knocked out of her hands, and she summons Ren’s, but that’s not enough.

Snoke uses the Force to make her kneel before him. Her body is useless against him, and she’s presented to Kylo Ren for him to make an example of her. Her heart is beating out of her chest, her eyes looking into his, pleading with him to do the right thing.

This was it. She was going to die.

It felt like a dream, everything Rey experienced—her memories of what happened after landing on Ahch-To seemed so far off. She had met Luke, she had returned his lightsaber to him and he simply tossed it aside. He wanted to be the last Jedi. He wanted it all to go down with him. She learned how to connect to the Force, gave into the Dark Side to learn more...and she was able to come back from it. There were things that she understood, and things she couldn’t grasp.

Luke and Ben...their historywas more complicated than she ever thought possible. How a man could give into his rage for a split second, and change a young man’s life forever.

Kylo Ren—Ben, had the chance to walk away from everything. Snoke was dead, killed by Ben. He was finally given a choice and yet he clung to the Darkness like an old friend, and stayed with the First Order. She had trusted him—she had placed so much faith in him, at the Quarantine and then on Snoke’s ship. Rey had gotten into a fight with her friends over him, over the belief that he could come back...but she was wrong.

Part of her wanted to scream, wanted to cry out at the injustice of it, but life was never fair. At least now, she knew her place in this war, knew what she had to do. Her hope in Ben was gone. Their connection—the lie that Snoke had spun so well between the two of them—was dead. She was alone...but she was not nothing.

She was more than an abandoned girl on Jakku. She was a scavenger, a survivor—she was a Jedi.

The next few days are a blur for her, preferring to bury herself in work either by going to the Abandoned City by herself and returning to Cisco’s place with more items, or training more with the Perimeter Guard. She doesn’t keep her hair up in the three buns style anymore. Now, she only wears her hair half up in a pony tail and the rest down. Around others, she’ll wear a small smile, keep up the appearance that she’s fine.

It’s only when she’s alone, or believe she’s alone, that the smile is gone and she looks distant...almost lonely.

The weight of what Rey has learned has left her feeling...numb.

Luke was gone. The Resistance was done to a handful of people...and Ben. The man she thought could come back. The man she had a vision of; him not bowing down to Snoke, that he would leave the Darkness for the Light. She thought he could come back. She had risked so much--at Quarantine, and even going to him willing--breaking the trust between Finn and Poe. Could she tell them what happened? Could she bring herself to say that she was sorry and they were right? No...she wouldn't know where to begin if they didn't remember the same things as her.

And Leia....how would she be able to face her? Face the General who had lost so much of the Rebellion, and only member of her family left. She had given Leia hope that Ben could come back, and now she would need to tell her there was no hope left. Ben made his decisions, and now he was the face of the First Order. Snoke was gone...and left behind was his apprentice, more than likely calling himself Emperor...or maybe Supreme Leader. Who knows.

Running, or any physical activity wouldn't help her now. She was trying to come to grips with things, so where does one go to be around others, but be alone at the same time? The bar. Rey left her hair down, grabbing her keys and headed out.

When she does arrive at the bar itself, she opts for a seat in the back, asking for water, and a glass of something strong. As Rey waited for her drinks memories of what happened filtered through her head.

"I thought I would find answers here. I was wrong. I'd never felt so alone--"

"You're not alone."

"--this isn't going to end the way you think it will!"

"You were born nothing. You are nothing. But not to me."

By the time her drinks came, Rey instantly went for the shot of clear liquid, unfamiliar with the name of it, but knocks it back. The alcohol burns down her throat, but at least she's able to feel that. Better than the pain of loss. Better than feeling her hope dwindle.

Better than hearing the way Ben's pleading voice when he held out his hand to her.

"Another shot..please.."

[Rey manages to get to Alexander's place at 7 sharp. Having dinner with the older man didn't seem strange to her. It gave her a chance to get out of her apartment, out of her own head space. She curled up her hand into a fist and lightly knocked on his door. Compared to when she was at the hospital and now, she looked healthier. More color to her cheeks, her hair in a half up and half down state, and wearing her normal clothes--the jeans and blouses were something she would wear once or twice a week...just to put them to use.

Right now, she wanted to feel normal and that started with wearing her usual attire. At her hip is a holster for the lightsaber that, thankfully, wasn't broken like the memories she received.]

Rey was slowly piecing together bits and pieces of her sanity back together after learning the bond with Ben was back. It was suddenly brought back to life, like a flame reigniting after it had been snuffed out. She wasn't sure why it had happened, or how it happened. It was all too raw for her, to be connected to Ben in such an intimate way. How they were able to speak to one another even when they were far apart. Didn't matter how many lightyears apart they were, but they could zero in on each other and simply talk.

She was still trying to grasp his words. He wanted to stay here. He wasn't interested in going back. Which was good, or maybe bad. It was too soon to tell. What she did know, was he said she killed Snoke to Hux. When Hux brought the information to her, she....went along with it. Still protecting or defending Ben for reasons that weren't clear to her.

For now, she was putting her focus on following the instructions on baking a small chocolate cake. It required a 'lb' of butter, and scoops of flour--and not the petal kind. After everything that Cisco has done for her, the least he deserved was something sweet. Not store bought, but something made with her own two hands--and she wasn't about to buy the 'instant' stuff.

It was a learning experiment for the former scavenger. She was gathering ingredients that had similar properties to the recipe she found. Now it was a matter of decoding the weird language and following the steps. Eggs were cracked, flour was mixed in, now she was trying to figure out the difference between baking soda and baking powder. In the midst of it, she felt something tug at her A presence growing stronger with each passing second until it was near...in her own home.

The bond was acting up...and Ben was around. He would be able to see her small studio apartment and see her sitting at a table with various ingredients placed about. A mixing bowl off to one side with the spatula nearby. Rey's hands dusted with flour and hair tied back in a messy bun. She could just....ignore him, right?

Good Dreams--I never wanted anything so much

Bad Dream -- SPOILERS FOR LAST JEDI

Canon Update--SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI

Wildcard! Night at the bar--after canon update

For Alexander Pierce

For Ben: Force bond shenanigans