riverviewlogs | [ open ] where I end, we'll begin

[ Cisco starts by sending a text, because he is a millennial through and through, and risky conversations are just so much easier to have via text. It seems more informal, and more easy to dismiss if the answer turns out to be no. The message he sends to Genji's inbox is a fairly simple one, uncharacteristically free of slang and emojis and enthusiasm. ]

hey genji, it's cisco
i was wondering if i could ask a favor.
or a request or something like that.
it's totally cool if you're not into it and i super hope it's not rude just asking but
i was wondering if you'd maybe be into teaching me some stuff about meditating?
i've got... stuff that makes it hard for me to chill out sometimes but it'd be really good if i could get better at that
kinda made a new year's resolution and all that
and i know you're really good at meditating so i thought
might as well ask.

Edited 2018-01-07 03:54 (UTC)

[ Don't worry, if Cisco's a millennial then Genji's an uber-millennial as he was born in the 2040s. His Snapchat in high school was infamous.

He's tending to his plants, as per usual, when he recevies Cisco's texts. Genji's smiling when he replies. ]

I'd be happy to give you some tips, my friend. It's no trouble.
>And it's not rude at all, don't worry. You wouldn't be the first to ask either.
>There's no point in having knowledge you don't share with others, right?

[ It's ideal, as responses go: friendly, not prying or pressuring, generous and calm. Exactly the sort of impression Cisco has gotten from Genji overall, which was partly what had made him bold enough to actually ask. Despite his friendliness, Cisco's never been all that good at asking other people for things. He's used to taking care of himself by himself. ]

that's totally how i feel when it comes to tech & science & stuff
i just didn't want to assume.
i'd be happy to pay you for lessons if you'd like
but there's one more thing you should know before you sign up

[ He'd weighed the issue in advance, and had decided that he should get this over with before they start talking schedules and logistics. That way, if there's an problem, he'll know about it now. ]

see the thing is
i really need to be able to stop myself from being afraid
or at least be able control it a little
i've got powers, and when i get really scared it sets them off
which is okay if i'm just having a panic attack in my living room or a nightmare
but really really bad if somebody's shooting at me or chasing me or whatever
not an ideal time to uncontrollably zone out and get visions

[ It's only fair, that Genji knows what he's in for. Cisco types out the words and sends them off before he has a chance to second-guess himself. He wouldn't have been brave enough to do it, if he hadn't found out that Genji and Shigeru are a thing and Shigeru has powers, and if telling Hana hadn't gone as well as it had. ]

Edited 2018-01-07 18:40 (UTC)

I appreciate it, but you don't need to worry. I'm quite hard to offend in general.
>And there's no need to pay me.
>Just water my plants once? ;P [ That part's a joke, of course.

The second chunk of Cisco's message makes Genji pause and go sit on the couch nearby. That's certainly not quite what he was expecting, but it's also not anything that surprises him. ]

That's something I can definitely understand.
>I mean, you saw a brief moment of how I was before I got used to this body.
>Learning to ground yourself in the here and now is always beneficial.

[ It'd be really easy for him to start typing an essay length text about it all, but he can save that for later. ]

But I will absolutely help you out, Cisco.
>When are you free then? :)

any time!🎍

[ The pause between when he sends the text and when Genji replies isn't that long, but it is nerve-wracking nonetheless. It had been a whole lot admit and allude to, in just one message. That he has powers. That he's not entirely in control of those powers. That those powers are triggered by fear. That he has panic attacks and difficulties with fear in his daily life. Cisco gnaws away at a nail, staring at his phone screen, heart beating fast, until Genji's reply arrives.

He doesn't know whether it's deliberate or not, but the reminder of what he'd seen in that vision helps ease his anxiety, a little bit. It's a reminder that Genji isn't a stranger to struggling with issues of perception and with his brain's processing, even if his had been drastically different. Genji had come all the way from how he was in that memory to how he is now. Which makes Cisco feel like his own case is a bit less hopeless. ]

thank you, seriously
and if you could maybe not tell anybody about the powers thing?
hana already knows but i'm trying to keep it on the down low mostly

i'm free whenever you are
hell i could come over now if you wanted
or just let me know when's good for you and i'll turn up

Edited 2018-01-07 22:30 (UTC)

Don't worry, I have black ops levels of training so your secret is safe with me.
>And you're more than welcome. What are friends for?

[ He looks about the house for a moment to make sure it's presentable, clippings from plants aside. He'd started some rice in the cooker earlier so with his limited cooking abilities he could make some lunch too. ]

You can come over now if you'd like, I have the day off. 🍃

[ Well, it's a good thing he's still just texting when he gets that reply, because between the stress of revealing all that personal information and the kindness of Genji's reply, Cisco maybe gets a little wet-eyed when he reads what are friends for. He taps out a quick: ]

thanks
i'll come over then
see you in 20

[ It doesn't take all that long to get from Cisco's place to Genji's, but he needed the extra time to compose himself, and to stop at a little place along the way and buy something to give to Genji as a thank you. He'd insisted he didn't need payment, but Cisco can't just show up empty handed. So, when he knocks and Genji opens the door, he holds out a little neatly-sealed brown paper bag, with the label from the tea shop declaring that it contains a particularly nice brand of jasmine pearls. ]

I hope you like this kind, I had to sorta guess.

Good! See you soon.

[ With that, Genji tidies up the plant clippings and bits of dirt on the counters. He gets out the kettle and tea pot, checks to make sure there are still eggs and soy sauce in the fridge and waits for Cisco.

He's at the door quickly when he knocks. Considering he hadn't initially expected to have company that day, he's probably the most dressed down Cisco has ever seen him. (Shirt, hoodie, hair mussed with his roots starting to show, and he hasn't saved the parts of his face that still grow facial hair in a day or two.)

He smiles when Cisco hands him the bag, accepting it. ] Thank you! You didn't have to, I appreciate it. And this kind is perfect.

[ He gestures for him to come inside. ] I'll go start the kettle and you go make yourself comfortable, how about?

[ Cisco's somewhat nervous energy is all the more obvious when he doesn't have the tea bag to hold onto any more. He wrings his hands together as he steps inside; when he notices what Genji is wearing, he laughs softly and points: ]

Dig the shirt.

[ His own is fairly spectacular, but that's not very out of the ordinary, considering every time Genji has seen him, Cisco's probably had a different nerdy graphic tee on. That was just how he rolled. ]

Sure. Right. Cool.

[ Cisco is glad, for the time being, to be told what to do. He goes into the living room, takes off his shoes, and sits cross-legged on the couch, trying not to fidget or seem impatient. There's a rational part of his mind that knows there's nothing to be so amped up about, but there is nonetheless a lingering awkwardness that he doesn't know how to dispel. ]

[ Genji laughs in return, gesturing to the kanji on it. ] 'Green Warrior.' How could I not?

[ He notices Cisco's nervousness but doesn't call attention to it. He goes and puts the bag on the counter and flicks on the kettle. ]

Are you hungry? I should eat myself. [ It's a weird phrasing, 'should.' He doesn't technically need to eat often but since he was on Guard duty the past few days, he hasn't. ] I'm not much of a cook, but there's rice and some eggs.

[ He's doing mundane tasks to make him comfortable. No use jumping in with 'so these visions you have' right out of the gate. ]

It's very you.

[ Cisco appreciates the lack of immediate questioning. He knows that it's going to have to come, eventually, but in the meantime he's more than happy to talk about other matters. When Genji offers to cook, Cisco says: ]

Sure. Sounds good. I'll eat basically anything, so...

[ And that gives him another idea, for when they're done - he could make some food for Genji. Something a little fancy. Tamales, maybe? A cake? Or he could bring something cooked, if they end up needing a second meeting, or session, or whatever the word ought to be. He might not have a lot of aspects of his life together, but he could do that, at least.

While Genji is starting the water going and prepping the food, Cisco gets up from the couch, too restless to stay still long, and starts to look at the carefully-tended plants, smiling at them. He says, as he looks at them: ]

I've got a bunch of succulents back at my place. Like... way too many of 'em, actually. I love them, and they're pretty hard to kill, so I figure even I can't mess 'em up too bad. Plus they're non-toxic, which is good because our cat has some issues with understanding that plants are friends and not food.

[ They're frivolous words, light, just taking up space in what otherwise might be an awkward silence. Cisco's always been a bit of a rambler, when he's not exactly at his ease. ]

Good, good. [ He goes to get out the eggs then pauses. ] Oh, would you like your egg cooked...? I forget not everyone likes that. [ It was how he usually ate them, mostly for the protein. In his experience, Americans didn't typically go for it.

The kettle finishes heating up and he sets up the tea, then goes to get bowls to start putting rice in. He smiles when Cisco starts talking about his plants. ]

I'm quite fond of succulents as well, obviously. [ There were a few flowers about, and some plants that were clearly very alien in origin. He gestures to some that seem to glow. ] Some of these were too bizarre to pass up; hopefully none of these end up gaining sentience and trying to take over.

[ He chuckles. ] That's been my experience with cats too. At least Pacchan doesn't try to get into them.

Oh, uncooked's fine. However you usually make it, seriously. Half the time I just end up eating candy and calling it a meal, so I'm really not choosy. It drives Eddie crazy. He's a real health nut, you know? Super good cook, super careful about what he eats, goes to the gym every single morning.

[ There's a warmth that creeps into Cisco's voice when he's talking about his boyfriend that is clear, though he doesn't notice it himself. He knows, of course, the reasons why Eddie is like that. How much he'd struggled with hating his body as a kid, how important it is to his mental health to stay fit. Even so, all his insistence on kale and proper hydration and the rest of it is like a very lovable eccentricity, to Cisco. ]

Ha. Not looking to play Seymour to an Audrey II, huh?

[ Yeah, chances are he won't get that reference, but it was too good not to make it. Cisco lingers by one of the translucent, glowing plants, thinking it reminded him a bit of those bioluminescent giant mushrooms he'd seen in Magnus's memory. ]

Were you here back when those evil plants came over the walls? That was a pretty bad scene. I was cranking out homemade flamethrowers all day, just whipping 'em up outta anything I could get my hands on.

Edited 2018-01-09 00:30 (UTC)

[ The tenderness in Cisco's voice is not lost in Genji and he can't help a smile. He probably sounds the same when he speaks of Shigeru, after all... ] Oh good. I can cook an egg on the stove, but it never turns out very pretty. [ He goes about cracking an egg each into a bowl, then starts scooping rice into them. ] I am glad that he makes you happy. He saw one of my memories a few months ago, actually.

[ And the Seymour reference... it doesn't exactly ring a bell, considering American musicals written decades before he was born were not exactly Genji's area of interest. But he can assume it has something to do with sentient plants. ] I will take your word for it for sure.

[ He gestures for Cisco to come and put the amount of soy sauce he'd prefer on the rice. Considering Genji's dulled sense of taste... well, he puts on an extreme amount. ]

You know, so many bizarre things have happened here they all sort of run together. But I have definitely fought my share of plants. So I suppose the concern isn't unfounded.

Did he? I didn't know that.

[ Which probably shouldn't surprise Cisco; after all, he hadn't said anything to Eddie about the memory of Genji's that he'd seen, either. The two of them didn't keep secrets of their own from one another, but it was different, when it was somebody else's story, somebody else's information. They hadn't told each other, what things they'd seen at that time. Cisco feels a prickle of curiosity, but of course, he isn't going to ask what the memory had been about. That would be way, way, way past rude.

Genji's confusion about the reference makes Cisco laugh, and he explains: ]

Little Shop of Horrors. It's a movie. There's a Venus fly trap from outer space called Audrey II that eats people.

[ Whether it was Genji's explicit plan or not, the chatter and domesticity of preparing the meal has slowly eroded Cisco's nerves; he seems quite calm, now, coming over and tossing an arbitrary amount of the soy sauce on the rice. He doesn't know what's right, but he assumes that if it mattered a great deal, Genji would've done it himself. ]

You know, I'm kind of getting used to the weirdness? Like that memory stuff was awful, obviously, but the rest hasn't been so bad. Even the killer plants.

Thankfully it wasn't one of my bloodier memories.

[ It's all his says. Not because he doesn't want to talk about it, but this visit is about Cisco, not him.

There are forks or chopsticks for him to choose from to eat with. Genji picks up his usual chopsticks and starts mixing his food together as he chats. His eyes do light up with a little recognition at the name. ]

Oh, yes, I think I heard of it once. A former colleague of mine loved to go on about the 'classics.' I've just never been terribly familiar with really old movies. [ At least if it wasn't a Kurosawa or Gojira film. ] Although I guess it might not be really old from when you're from...?

[ Time shenanigans were certainly an interesting aspect of being here. He goes to sit at the nearby table and gestures for him to join him. ] I can't disagree. The memory incident was frustrating, but it's the only thing that really has been.

[ Once he's sitting in the chair with his bowl he smiles. ] You seem calmer now. Do you need anything else?

[ Cisco chooses some chopsticks, too; once they're at the table he steals an occasional glance at Genji to see how he's mixing the food, and follows suit. He has to pause and laugh when Genji says classics like that. Cisco gets the feeling he's being roasted here, just a little bit, and he doesn't mind one bit. ]

It's still pretty old, even way back in the stone age when I'm from. Came out a few years before I was born, I'm pretty sure. I hadn't actually seen it 'til a year ago. My friend Barry was, like, suuuper into musicals.

[ Cisco didn't have anything against them, of course, but he didn't exactly seek them out on his own. It had been like clockwork - any time Barry had a really bad day, it was time to expose Cisco to some new musical he'd grown up on and loved since he was a kid. Cisco had never had the heart to argue, so he'd gotten quite the specialized education.

It catches him a bit off-guard, when Genji comments that he seems calmer. Cisco hadn't realized just how obvious his discomfort was, earlier, or noticed as it had gradually faded away. But Genji is undoubtedly right. That dense, gnawing weight of dread in his stomach had vanished at some point. ]

Yeah, uh, I am. Thanks. Damn, I really came to the right guy, huh? You're, like, super good at this.

[ 'This' being some vague umbrella for calmness, and inspiring calmness in others. Cisco plays with his rice a little with his chopsticks and then admits, candidly: ]

I don't know anything about all this stuff, but. I really want to learn. So you just tell me what I gotta do, and I'll do it.

[ Just a gentle roasting. Genji is still a little brother through and through, after all. He's smiling as Cisco speaks of his friend. ]

I see, I see. I don't know much about musicals myself, besides being in one for a school festival in junior high. [ He was definitely a tree that did a dance. He only remembers his mother trying desperately not to laugh in the audience.

He stirs his rice and takes a bite. ] It's quite funny to me that you're technically older than I am. My grandfather was born in the 1980s, if I remember right.

[ Genji takes a few more bites as he speaks, smiling. ] Sometimes the mundanity of everyday activities is all you need to bring yourself back down to 'Earth,' I've realized. [ He puts down his chopsticks and stands up to go get the tea. ] I don't even technically 'need' to eat that much, but I still do because there's no point in trying to act like I'm not human when I am.

[ He refused to eat 'normally' for a while and it was part of what unhinged him so much. The refusal to admit he was still a person, just different. He felt like a stranger walking around in someone else's body.

He gets the cups and heads back over to the table, placing them down silently. ] And I had a very good teacher. I won't claim to be as good as he is but—

[ He sits back down in a fluid movement. ] It isn't really something you 'learn' in the same sort of sense that you can 'learn' something from a textbook. It's more of an— [ He gestures with a hand. ] —experience. And it very well might take some time.

I woulda paid good money to see that.

[ It is kind of a cute mental image, after all. A much younger Genji, on stage, singing West Side Story or something similar. When he says his grandfather was born in the 1980s, Cisco groans. ]

So you're telling me everything I think is cool and hip... is stuff your grandpa would've been into?

[ But for all his dramatic lamenting, comparatively, it's not that big a gap. Genji had known someone born in the same decade that Cisco was. It was not, in other words, a large enough number of years for Genji to think of Cisco as a relic from a distant past, the way Eobard had. Hana and Genji are from a few decades in the future, not a few centuries. Genji would never just look at him and see a ghost, someone so long-dead that killing them wouldn't make an ounce of difference...

Genji has a point, about mundane activities being helpful. Cisco can't help but feel sad, when Genji says he doesn't actually need to eat that much, to survive. He still doesn't know what it was that had happened to Genji, that had necessitated his cyborg body. But whatever it was... it can't have been anything less than awful. And he had seen for himself, what a toll it had taken Genji, to adjust to his new way of life.]

Yeah. You're right. I- take a shower, if I can. When stuff's bad. Like I can wash it off.

[ When Genji says that it isn't something he can learn like an academic subject, that it will take time, Cisco drops his eyes to his half-eaten bowl of rice. He stirs it, idly, his appetite gone. ]

Of course. I do know it's not gonna happen overnight or anything. And it might not... seem like it once we get into all of this but-

[ The words are coming out staccato and uneven, now, but he keeps going, not letting himself stop, even though what he has to say is difficult. He keeps playing with the rice, because it's something to occupy his hands, and somewhere to look that's not Genji's face. ]

-I'm. Better than I was, before. I'm kinda... glad you didn't meet me, when I first came through the portal. I wasn't... doing great. I was scared all the time. I didn't even get it yet, that that was what was causing the visions. I didn't understand why it kept happening and I couldn't stop it. I- the reason I moved in with Eddie is I kept waking up everyone near me in the communal housing... cause I kept having nightmares that triggered visions and... you know, lots of screaming and stuff.

Edited 2018-01-09 05:21 (UTC)

[ That gets a laugh out of him and a shrug. ] There's nothing wrong with having an old man's taste, I suppose. [ He's teasing, obviously.

And then nods and gestures to his plants again. ] It's part of the reason I have these. Tending to them is an act of meditation in and of itself for me. Something to focus on, something to take care of. Something beautiful to remind me that living isn't always so harsh.

[ He leans back in his chair and listens and Cisco speaks. He knows what it's like, when there's that twist in your chest and you have all of this inside you but your mouth just can't seem to form the words in the right kind of way. ]

I understand that. Not specifically, of course, but that— fear. Fear of yourself. [ He doesn't try to make Cisco look at him while he talks, only continues to eat. ] I lashed out frequently when I was first in Overwatch. I didn't want anyone's help.

[ He smiles a little. ] But finally asking for help is the hardest step, I feel. Wanting to help yourself is the best possible thing. You can't force it.

[ He puts his chopsticks down and takes a sip of the tea, leaning back again. ] I will say, it's not about eliminating your fear. It's about being able to manage it.

[ Cisco wonders if, to a lesser degree, his own plants don't serve a similar function. Maybe it would be a good idea to be more deliberate in his care of them, like Genji. To think about them in the way that he's describing, rather than simply telling people he likes having plants around the house.

He keeps staring down into his rice bowl as Genji speaks, saying he understands. Cisco swallows, not saying anything. He might be skeptical, if it were someone else. But all things considered, it's not hard to imagine Genji having plenty of reason to be afraid of himself. To feel profoundly helpless, and not in control. ]

...Everybody else was going through a lot of stuff of their own when- I started having problems, and I didn't want to lay anything else on them. You know. Be... a burden, or whatever.

[ For Cisco, there had been less lashing out, and more lying. He'd lied to everyone - even himself - right from when his powers had started. He'd tried to hide them, to hide what he was going through, from everybody, insisting that he was fine, cracking twice as many jokes just so there could be no mistake. But it hadn't solved anything. And things had only gotten worse, had festered. ]

Eddie's helped. Like, a lot. But he can't be there all the time, you know? And if the two of us are ever in danger, I wanna be able to fight alongside him, not be a liability to him.

[ He manages to lift his gaze, when Genji says it's not possible to eliminate his fear entirely. Cisco's mouth twists into the ghost of a rueful smile - just a tiny curl at the corner of his lips. ]

Yeah. I get that. I just- I don't know how.

[ Genji smiles faintly. ] People who truly care about you will never think of you as a burden. You are clearly a kind and thoughtful person, as are plenty of other people around you.

[ He takes another long sip from his cup. Genji wonders what Zenyatta would have to say to him... he knows his Master would probably have had him entranced from the moment he walked through the door. The omnic had this way about him, this way of taking your focus and narrowing it down to the head of a pin.

Genji isn't like that, obviously. He's a warrior first and foremost and while he's as graceful as he's ever been at this point in his life... there's a reason no one calls him 'Master Shimada.' (Yet, anyway.) But that doesn't mean he's not capable of helping someone else.

He's glad when Cisco finally looks up and meets his eyes. Genji's smile is faint and the crows feet around his eyes crinkle. ]

Well, that's why you came to me, right? Hopefully we can maybe at least alleviate your concerns.

[ He puts his cup down. ] I will say, up front, it can be hard and draining. Dealing with the thing that's caught up inside you means having to face it head on sometimes.

[ Cisco gives a tiny nod; thinking about Eddie, and whether or not he'd be able to protect him if he needed to, had been one of the key factors that convinced Cisco to take this leap. It's been on his mind more and more recently - there have been some murders, in town. Difficult cases that have put strain on Eddie, as much as he tries not to show it. Cisco wants to be sure that, if things go very sour, he'll be able to wrangle his fear and actually help.

He pushes away his dish, though the food's only half-eaten. His appetite is gone and he wants to get started, to do the work. When Genji warns him that it will be hard, Cisco swallows, not dropping his gaze. ]

I know. And- and maybe it won't be possible, for me. I might... be too far gone, and maybe I'll fail, but. I have to try.

[ He says it with as much conviction as he can, though he knows it's an easy promise to make, when all they're doing is sitting pleasantly, talking over some tea. Actually mastering his fear is going to be a whole lot more challenging. But he wants Genji to know that he's going to do his best, and that he's not just wasting his time. ]

What do you need me to do? How do we start?

[ That gets a broader smile out of Genji. ] You'll find I don't believe in lost causes. And if we find I am not the one meant to help you, I'm sure there will be someone else who can. This is not a "try it once and only once" sort of thing.

[ He gets up and picks up his empty bowl, offering a hand to take Cisco's to the sink. ] Well, we don't need to jump right in to trying to meditate on your own existence right away. I think we should just chat at first. Maybe you can tell me about these abilities you have, if you're comfortable?

[ He feels a pang of worry, when Genji says that they might find he's not the one suited to helping Cisco. The rational part of his brain understands that that is a possibility, but on the other hand, it had been hard enough, reaching out for help like this to someone he knew, someone he trusted to a certain degree. The idea that he might someday need to try with someone else, maybe even a stranger - it makes his stomach clench with fear.

And, well, if that isn't a demonstration of why he needs to be here in the first place, he's not sure what is. ]

Yeah.

[ Cisco hands over his bowl with a nod of thanks, smiling when Genji tells him they're not starting with the big stuff. Which is good, since Cisco wouldn't even know where to begin, when it comes to his own existence. Answering some targeted questions is a much easier jumping off point. ]

Yes. Right. Okay. So... the basics, first. I was working at a place called S.T.A.R. Labs, and there was an accident... only it really wasn't an accident, but that's not really relevant to the story. Anyway, the particle accelerator exploded, and it tore a rift between the dimensions and all kinds of exotic energy and dark matter leaked out, and through the city, and for about 1% of the population, it mutated their DNA and made them into what we call metahumans. Turns out, I was one of those people.

[ He rattles off all of that with ease - he's had to explain about the particle accelerator any number of times, to any number of people. None of it is really personal... which means, of course, that he's stalling. ]

Basically, I... can manipulate multidimensional energy. Which means a lot of different stuff. Somebody from my world told me that, in theory, I could open breaches between universes. Like the portal that brought us all here. But I've never actually done that, so, probably not super relevant. I can uh, sort of blast things, with my hands? Like a vibrational shock wave? I'm building myself some gauntlets to help harness that, 'cause I've only done it a couple times, when people I cared about were in a lot of danger.

[ He's getting closer to it, now, but still stalling, talking about powers he's never used, or barely used. Cisco lets out a short sigh, feeling guilty for wasting Genji's time. Hadn't he just promised he would do whatever it took, no matter how hard? ]

The main thing, though, is the visions. It's, um. Something to do with the levels of dopamine and adrenaline in my brain, but when I get... really scared, I see stuff. Sometimes it's where somebody is and what they're doing right at that moment, like if I'm touching something that belongs to them especially. Doesn't really matter what universe they're in, I'll see them. Uh, sometimes it's the past, like, stuff that's happened in the place where I am, or... happened to me. A few times it's been the future, which is a real mindfuck lemme tell you. But whatever it is, when I get these vibes, I- just sort of freeze, and I can't hear anything or see anything around me.

[ He laughs, a little brittleness in it. ] I've really freaked some people out like that. 'Cause I can't really stop them. If I'm frightened, there's no stopping it.

Edited 2018-01-18 21:14 (UTC)

🌅 genji

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