riverviewlogs | [ open ] where I end, we'll begin

[ Cisco chooses some chopsticks, too; once they're at the table he steals an occasional glance at Genji to see how he's mixing the food, and follows suit. He has to pause and laugh when Genji says classics like that. Cisco gets the feeling he's being roasted here, just a little bit, and he doesn't mind one bit. ]

It's still pretty old, even way back in the stone age when I'm from. Came out a few years before I was born, I'm pretty sure. I hadn't actually seen it 'til a year ago. My friend Barry was, like, suuuper into musicals.

[ Cisco didn't have anything against them, of course, but he didn't exactly seek them out on his own. It had been like clockwork - any time Barry had a really bad day, it was time to expose Cisco to some new musical he'd grown up on and loved since he was a kid. Cisco had never had the heart to argue, so he'd gotten quite the specialized education.

It catches him a bit off-guard, when Genji comments that he seems calmer. Cisco hadn't realized just how obvious his discomfort was, earlier, or noticed as it had gradually faded away. But Genji is undoubtedly right. That dense, gnawing weight of dread in his stomach had vanished at some point. ]

Yeah, uh, I am. Thanks. Damn, I really came to the right guy, huh? You're, like, super good at this.

[ 'This' being some vague umbrella for calmness, and inspiring calmness in others. Cisco plays with his rice a little with his chopsticks and then admits, candidly: ]

I don't know anything about all this stuff, but. I really want to learn. So you just tell me what I gotta do, and I'll do it.

[ Just a gentle roasting. Genji is still a little brother through and through, after all. He's smiling as Cisco speaks of his friend. ]

I see, I see. I don't know much about musicals myself, besides being in one for a school festival in junior high. [ He was definitely a tree that did a dance. He only remembers his mother trying desperately not to laugh in the audience.

He stirs his rice and takes a bite. ] It's quite funny to me that you're technically older than I am. My grandfather was born in the 1980s, if I remember right.

[ Genji takes a few more bites as he speaks, smiling. ] Sometimes the mundanity of everyday activities is all you need to bring yourself back down to 'Earth,' I've realized. [ He puts down his chopsticks and stands up to go get the tea. ] I don't even technically 'need' to eat that much, but I still do because there's no point in trying to act like I'm not human when I am.

[ He refused to eat 'normally' for a while and it was part of what unhinged him so much. The refusal to admit he was still a person, just different. He felt like a stranger walking around in someone else's body.

He gets the cups and heads back over to the table, placing them down silently. ] And I had a very good teacher. I won't claim to be as good as he is but—

[ He sits back down in a fluid movement. ] It isn't really something you 'learn' in the same sort of sense that you can 'learn' something from a textbook. It's more of an— [ He gestures with a hand. ] —experience. And it very well might take some time.

I woulda paid good money to see that.

[ It is kind of a cute mental image, after all. A much younger Genji, on stage, singing West Side Story or something similar. When he says his grandfather was born in the 1980s, Cisco groans. ]

So you're telling me everything I think is cool and hip... is stuff your grandpa would've been into?

[ But for all his dramatic lamenting, comparatively, it's not that big a gap. Genji had known someone born in the same decade that Cisco was. It was not, in other words, a large enough number of years for Genji to think of Cisco as a relic from a distant past, the way Eobard had. Hana and Genji are from a few decades in the future, not a few centuries. Genji would never just look at him and see a ghost, someone so long-dead that killing them wouldn't make an ounce of difference...

Genji has a point, about mundane activities being helpful. Cisco can't help but feel sad, when Genji says he doesn't actually need to eat that much, to survive. He still doesn't know what it was that had happened to Genji, that had necessitated his cyborg body. But whatever it was... it can't have been anything less than awful. And he had seen for himself, what a toll it had taken Genji, to adjust to his new way of life.]

Yeah. You're right. I- take a shower, if I can. When stuff's bad. Like I can wash it off.

[ When Genji says that it isn't something he can learn like an academic subject, that it will take time, Cisco drops his eyes to his half-eaten bowl of rice. He stirs it, idly, his appetite gone. ]

Of course. I do know it's not gonna happen overnight or anything. And it might not... seem like it once we get into all of this but-

[ The words are coming out staccato and uneven, now, but he keeps going, not letting himself stop, even though what he has to say is difficult. He keeps playing with the rice, because it's something to occupy his hands, and somewhere to look that's not Genji's face. ]

-I'm. Better than I was, before. I'm kinda... glad you didn't meet me, when I first came through the portal. I wasn't... doing great. I was scared all the time. I didn't even get it yet, that that was what was causing the visions. I didn't understand why it kept happening and I couldn't stop it. I- the reason I moved in with Eddie is I kept waking up everyone near me in the communal housing... cause I kept having nightmares that triggered visions and... you know, lots of screaming and stuff.

Edited 2018-01-09 05:21 (UTC)

[ That gets a laugh out of him and a shrug. ] There's nothing wrong with having an old man's taste, I suppose. [ He's teasing, obviously.

And then nods and gestures to his plants again. ] It's part of the reason I have these. Tending to them is an act of meditation in and of itself for me. Something to focus on, something to take care of. Something beautiful to remind me that living isn't always so harsh.

[ He leans back in his chair and listens and Cisco speaks. He knows what it's like, when there's that twist in your chest and you have all of this inside you but your mouth just can't seem to form the words in the right kind of way. ]

I understand that. Not specifically, of course, but that— fear. Fear of yourself. [ He doesn't try to make Cisco look at him while he talks, only continues to eat. ] I lashed out frequently when I was first in Overwatch. I didn't want anyone's help.

[ He smiles a little. ] But finally asking for help is the hardest step, I feel. Wanting to help yourself is the best possible thing. You can't force it.

[ He puts his chopsticks down and takes a sip of the tea, leaning back again. ] I will say, it's not about eliminating your fear. It's about being able to manage it.

[ Cisco wonders if, to a lesser degree, his own plants don't serve a similar function. Maybe it would be a good idea to be more deliberate in his care of them, like Genji. To think about them in the way that he's describing, rather than simply telling people he likes having plants around the house.

He keeps staring down into his rice bowl as Genji speaks, saying he understands. Cisco swallows, not saying anything. He might be skeptical, if it were someone else. But all things considered, it's not hard to imagine Genji having plenty of reason to be afraid of himself. To feel profoundly helpless, and not in control. ]

...Everybody else was going through a lot of stuff of their own when- I started having problems, and I didn't want to lay anything else on them. You know. Be... a burden, or whatever.

[ For Cisco, there had been less lashing out, and more lying. He'd lied to everyone - even himself - right from when his powers had started. He'd tried to hide them, to hide what he was going through, from everybody, insisting that he was fine, cracking twice as many jokes just so there could be no mistake. But it hadn't solved anything. And things had only gotten worse, had festered. ]

Eddie's helped. Like, a lot. But he can't be there all the time, you know? And if the two of us are ever in danger, I wanna be able to fight alongside him, not be a liability to him.

[ He manages to lift his gaze, when Genji says it's not possible to eliminate his fear entirely. Cisco's mouth twists into the ghost of a rueful smile - just a tiny curl at the corner of his lips. ]

Yeah. I get that. I just- I don't know how.

[ Genji smiles faintly. ] People who truly care about you will never think of you as a burden. You are clearly a kind and thoughtful person, as are plenty of other people around you.

[ He takes another long sip from his cup. Genji wonders what Zenyatta would have to say to him... he knows his Master would probably have had him entranced from the moment he walked through the door. The omnic had this way about him, this way of taking your focus and narrowing it down to the head of a pin.

Genji isn't like that, obviously. He's a warrior first and foremost and while he's as graceful as he's ever been at this point in his life... there's a reason no one calls him 'Master Shimada.' (Yet, anyway.) But that doesn't mean he's not capable of helping someone else.

He's glad when Cisco finally looks up and meets his eyes. Genji's smile is faint and the crows feet around his eyes crinkle. ]

Well, that's why you came to me, right? Hopefully we can maybe at least alleviate your concerns.

[ He puts his cup down. ] I will say, up front, it can be hard and draining. Dealing with the thing that's caught up inside you means having to face it head on sometimes.

[ Cisco gives a tiny nod; thinking about Eddie, and whether or not he'd be able to protect him if he needed to, had been one of the key factors that convinced Cisco to take this leap. It's been on his mind more and more recently - there have been some murders, in town. Difficult cases that have put strain on Eddie, as much as he tries not to show it. Cisco wants to be sure that, if things go very sour, he'll be able to wrangle his fear and actually help.

He pushes away his dish, though the food's only half-eaten. His appetite is gone and he wants to get started, to do the work. When Genji warns him that it will be hard, Cisco swallows, not dropping his gaze. ]

I know. And- and maybe it won't be possible, for me. I might... be too far gone, and maybe I'll fail, but. I have to try.

[ He says it with as much conviction as he can, though he knows it's an easy promise to make, when all they're doing is sitting pleasantly, talking over some tea. Actually mastering his fear is going to be a whole lot more challenging. But he wants Genji to know that he's going to do his best, and that he's not just wasting his time. ]

What do you need me to do? How do we start?

[ That gets a broader smile out of Genji. ] You'll find I don't believe in lost causes. And if we find I am not the one meant to help you, I'm sure there will be someone else who can. This is not a "try it once and only once" sort of thing.

[ He gets up and picks up his empty bowl, offering a hand to take Cisco's to the sink. ] Well, we don't need to jump right in to trying to meditate on your own existence right away. I think we should just chat at first. Maybe you can tell me about these abilities you have, if you're comfortable?

[ He feels a pang of worry, when Genji says that they might find he's not the one suited to helping Cisco. The rational part of his brain understands that that is a possibility, but on the other hand, it had been hard enough, reaching out for help like this to someone he knew, someone he trusted to a certain degree. The idea that he might someday need to try with someone else, maybe even a stranger - it makes his stomach clench with fear.

And, well, if that isn't a demonstration of why he needs to be here in the first place, he's not sure what is. ]

Yeah.

[ Cisco hands over his bowl with a nod of thanks, smiling when Genji tells him they're not starting with the big stuff. Which is good, since Cisco wouldn't even know where to begin, when it comes to his own existence. Answering some targeted questions is a much easier jumping off point. ]

Yes. Right. Okay. So... the basics, first. I was working at a place called S.T.A.R. Labs, and there was an accident... only it really wasn't an accident, but that's not really relevant to the story. Anyway, the particle accelerator exploded, and it tore a rift between the dimensions and all kinds of exotic energy and dark matter leaked out, and through the city, and for about 1% of the population, it mutated their DNA and made them into what we call metahumans. Turns out, I was one of those people.

[ He rattles off all of that with ease - he's had to explain about the particle accelerator any number of times, to any number of people. None of it is really personal... which means, of course, that he's stalling. ]

Basically, I... can manipulate multidimensional energy. Which means a lot of different stuff. Somebody from my world told me that, in theory, I could open breaches between universes. Like the portal that brought us all here. But I've never actually done that, so, probably not super relevant. I can uh, sort of blast things, with my hands? Like a vibrational shock wave? I'm building myself some gauntlets to help harness that, 'cause I've only done it a couple times, when people I cared about were in a lot of danger.

[ He's getting closer to it, now, but still stalling, talking about powers he's never used, or barely used. Cisco lets out a short sigh, feeling guilty for wasting Genji's time. Hadn't he just promised he would do whatever it took, no matter how hard? ]

The main thing, though, is the visions. It's, um. Something to do with the levels of dopamine and adrenaline in my brain, but when I get... really scared, I see stuff. Sometimes it's where somebody is and what they're doing right at that moment, like if I'm touching something that belongs to them especially. Doesn't really matter what universe they're in, I'll see them. Uh, sometimes it's the past, like, stuff that's happened in the place where I am, or... happened to me. A few times it's been the future, which is a real mindfuck lemme tell you. But whatever it is, when I get these vibes, I- just sort of freeze, and I can't hear anything or see anything around me.

[ He laughs, a little brittleness in it. ] I've really freaked some people out like that. 'Cause I can't really stop them. If I'm frightened, there's no stopping it.

Edited 2018-01-18 21:14 (UTC)

[ Genji finishes cleaning the dishes in the sink and goes to sit back down at the table. He listens, making some mental notes of what he hears. It all sounds so unfamiliar and incredible while also seeming so... typical. Of Overwatch, at least. Between the SEP that gave Commander Morrison and Reyes such skill, what happened to Lena and, well, Winston's entire existence. (And Moira, the thought of her always sending a chill throughout his veins. Moira...)

One could even argue his own. 'Metahuman' was an interesting phrase... he wonders if it'd be one given to him, were he from Cisco's world. Being a cyborg isn't the only interesting thing about him.

But learning the extent of Cisco's abilities is almost... heartbreaking, in a way. It's the only way Genji can think of it. To be given such an ability, without asking for it, and it being such a power. No wonder he's nervous, scared— because he doesn't want to be end up being the cause of anybody's pain, especially those he loves.

The trials people must face, Genji thinks. Sometimes they are far too cruel to have to overcome. But it does not make him lose any hope. ]

That is... [ A pause. ] A lot. That is quite a lot of knowledge that has been put upon your shoulders, isn't it? I do not think anyone would blame you for being fearful of these gifts of yours.

[ He smiles just a little. ] But I stand by what I said, I do not believe in lost causes. I fully believe you can harness this, or at least not be succumbed by it.

[ Genji crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. ] I wouldn't claim to understand what you're feeling, but I do understand what it's like to have to learn 'control.'

[ Cisco swallows, unable to speak for a few moments. He merely nods, gaze dropping to somewhere near Genji's elbow once more. It's quite a different reaction, than Hana had had. She'd been all bubbly excitement and enthusiasm, which had been great, since Cisco had been a little worried she would be afraid of him. And it is different from the other reactions he has seen - relief from Beverly, realizing his vibe had not been a seizure. Nonchalance, from Taako and Lup and the rest of them, who were so used to magic on such an epic scale that his own powers seemed commonplace.

But Genji offers something different - acknowledges, in a way that Cisco's not used to, that there is reason to feel afraid of the things he can do. And that means a great deal more than he had anticipated. It's like Genji had said - denying the fear isn't going to do any good. He has to accept it exists and learn to work around it.

Cisco meets Genji's gaze again and manages a sliver of a smile, though it's obviously a touch forced. ]

There's also, uh. The sort of fun complication that I've got a minor case of the... post-traumatic whatever that means I don't do fear like a normal person sometimes. If somebody says the wrong thing or I get stuck in the wrong place I go from zero to "oh shit I'm gonna get murdered again" in about two seconds.

[ It's not his favorite thing to talk about, but there's no way this is going to work. Genji said it's about facing this stuff head-on. And sure, he's being too flippant, and making jokes, which isn't exactly head-on, but it's the best he can do. ]

Aah, yes. [ There's a flicker of something different across Genji's face, a tired look. It ages him a moment. ] That I also understand. PTSD, whatever you wish to call it.

[ It's not like it's hard to deduce that whatever put him in this body was traumatic indeed. The wound and burn scars across his face tell a violent, bloody story.

...not many people know, here. And most of them weren't by Genji's choice either. ]

I didn't just have to come to terms with my body, I had to accept what had happened to me in the first place. "I'm going to get murdered again."

[ He closes his eyes. ] I left far too many hallways bloodier than they should have been, before. Because of it.

[ And opens them again. ] But I understand that. The fear of being afraid, right? Such a confusing thing.

[ He gives a very small nod. Genji had seen through his vague evasions, had given it its proper name, understood immediately what he meant. And it looks, from that rather shadowed expression, as if he knows it as more than a term from a textbook. Cisco already knew, coming into this, that Genji had experienced trauma. He'd been badly hurt, somehow, and nearly died. He'd had to adjust to living in his cyborg body.

But they'd never come close to talking about this, and Cisco hadn't known whether there was some kind of accident - an earthquake, a plane crash - or whether Genji's injuries had come from some more direct, more personal violence. It seems right now like maybe it was the latter. Or is he reading too much into it. ]

What-

[ Cisco blurts it, before he can stop himself. Though he doesn't get past the first word, the rest of the sentence isn't hard to infer: What happened to you? But he can't ask it. Not right now. Because he would only be asking for selfish reasons - not to comfort Genji, but to comfort himself. He's met people here, in this place, who have died - all of the IPRE folks, Steve Trevor. Eddie, of course. But few of them had been murdered - only Lup.

The comment about leaving hallways bloody makes Cisco go still, for a moment. It's an evocative phrasing, and while he had always realized in an abstract sense that Genji had a certain amount of blood on his hands, he's never really thought of it so concretely, before. But he can't let his mind go there. If he lets himself start fearing Genji, this whole thing is going to fall apart. ]

[ He doesn't flinch at the start of the question, almost as if he was expecting. Almost as if he wanted him to ask. Genji lets out a hoarse sigh and waves a hand. ]

I should explain better, that sounded more ominous than I meant it. I wasn't some horror movie serial killer. [ Although he felt like some kind of monster. ] I mentioned I was in a covert black ops unit in Overwatch, right? That was just what we did, the more secretive and advanced missions. Assassinations, espionage, that sort of thing. I just sometimes would— lose myself. [ He makes a face. ] You saw that memory of one of my 'moments,' right?

[ He rubs a hand across his face, feeling the stubbtle that he really should shave later on today. There's not enough healthy skin left on his face for it to look good. (He still can't believe his brother grew a beard, looks so much like their father.) ]

Someone tried to kill me, yes. Very nearly succeeded. [ A pause. ] Someone in my family. [ Another pause, as there's no subtle way to say it. Might as well drop it like the metaphorical rock that it is. ] My brother.

[ It's not really a surprise, that Genji noticed that flicker of sudden fear. Cisco's always been terrible at hiding it; his body language gives him away in an instant, even to people who are not particularly observant. And maybe it shouldn't but the explanation helps to soothe that sudden spike of worry. Genji had been doing his job. An unpleasant job, yes, but one that doubtless needed to be done by somebody. Steve had been a spy, too. It wasn't that Genji enjoyed killing, or anything. He just hadn't been able to spare as many lives as he could've, because he was unwell.

Cisco gives a tiny nod of understanding, crossing his arms as that unnatural stillness went away. It's still too late, though, to take back his unvoiced question. When Genji tells him, he tries to brace himself for whatever it might be, but he still winds up surprised. ]

Your... oh.

[ Genji had talked about his brother with Cisco before. How he was into archery and always trying to prove he was the best at everything. Cisco had thought that their rivalry reminded him a little of his own brother and himself. It had been one of those early things, that had helped him to see Genji as just an ordinary guy, even beneath the machinery and intimidating ninja stuff.

And that same brother had tried to murder him?! Had gotten so close to succeeding that Genji wouldn't have survived if it weren't for so much advanced tech? Everything Genji had gone through adjusting to his new body - everything he must have gone through because of the violence itself - had all been his brother's fault?

His throat feels to tight to speak at first. Carefully, Cisco reaches over, laying a hand very lightly against Genji's forearm, a wordless gesture of comfort. ]

I'm sorry. I shouldn't... make you talk about this stuff, just to help me.

[ It's kind of freeing to say it on his own. Everyone in Overwatch already knew and then his memories were broadcast to so many people without his consent... he finds it much easier when he's the one to say it.

The hand on his arm is almost surprising. He looks down at his hand then back up at him, smiling. He doesn't quite look as tired as he did a moment before.

It's strange. The the harder things to remember now are how he was during Blackwatch, not the night where everything went wrong. ]

No, it's quite alright. I wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't want to discuss it with you. [ He pats his hand over Cisco's with a nod. ] It's okay.

[ Is it, though? Well, in the scheme of things no, it's not 'okay' what happened to him. But he's long since accepted it. ]

There is more to it than just that, decades of history leading up to it. My brother did not just snap one day. My family— [ He huffs. ] The Shimadas are not good people. Yakuza, criminals. Our empire was vast. My brother was to be the next heir and his entire life was molded around it. And I acted out without a care. Eventually I became too much of a 'liability' and he was ordered to have me 'dealt with.'

[ He looks sad. Not for himself, but for Hanzo. ] He was just the weapon turned against me. I forgave him long ago. Because if it hadn't happened, I would still be the terrible, selfish person I used to be.

[ A pause and an entirely inappropriate little smile. ] And being able to double jump is quite nice.

[ At any other time, in any other context, Cisco would have received the news that Genji was apparently from a family of gangsters in an entirely different way. A lot more irreverent, a lot more nosy questions. But hearing it presented within the context of why his older brother had killed him, that revelation takes on an entirely different weight. Genji presents the situation as if there's a great deal of moral complexity: how his brother was raised, the fact he'd been ordered to do it, his own behavior that had led to it.

It is different, from what Cisco had reflexively assumed: Genji, blameless. His brother, a monster. A sudden betrayal, without justification, warning, or outside influence. But it would seem the situation was not quite like that. ]

Hard to imagine you ever being selfish.

[ He doesn't doubt that Genji is telling the truth, but at the same time, he can't quite picture it. He's only ever known Genji as he is, now. Only ever seen a glimpse of a younger Genji who was tormented and unstable, but never what Cisco would call 'terrible'.

Cisco wonders if he'll ever be able to talk about what had happened to him, as calmly as Genji is talking about his own story. Certainly doesn't seem likely, any time soon. He tucks his hair behind his ear, tries to ease a little of tension with a brief, muttered: ]

Man, I can barely even single jump. Remind me to never play basketball against you.

[ That moment of levity is what makes it so he can look at his nails and say, with false lightness: ]

I'm different than I was before, but not really for the better. Just sort of... [ He wants to say broken, but he's trying to stay optimistic about their chances, here. And besides, that's a little melodramatic to say aloud, even if it's what feels true. ] ...older.

Hey, you're not that old. [ He gestures to the gray roots showing around his temples. (He really needs Hana to give him a touch up.) ] And don't accept defeat quite yet, my former Commander always won when we tried to play.

[ He huffs, glad for some added levity. Talking about his near brush with fratricide wasn't exactly something that brought up the mood of the room. Genji peers at Cisco for a moment before speaking again. ]

And I think, looking back on things, you'll realize how much you've changed. You can't see your progress as you live it. For me, one day I realized I just wasn't angry and fearful anymore. And I couldn't tell you exactly when I stopped.

[ Cisco smiles when Genji points out his grey hairs, and it's a touch fragile, but it's a smile nonetheless. ]

Uhh, how dare you speak to your elders like that. I was born in the same decade as your grandpappy, remember?

[ He hadn't been referring to his actual age, of course, or even anything that could be seen from the outside. After he'd gotten that photo album, at the center of the ice maze, he'd spent time looking at the old pictures of himself to see if there was any sign of the fact that he was an entirely different person then than he is now. But even putting the pictures side by side with new ones, he hadn't been able to find anything. ]

I don't know. I hear you about the 'no lost causes' thing, I really do, but I'm pretty sure I've some sort of sports allergy. Or curse. Or something. I don't think all the training in the world could make me not suck at them, even if I did care, which I gotta confess, I really don't.

[ Cisco listens to Genji's words, feeling a tiny flutter of hope in his chest. It seems too good to be true: that someday he might stop and realize he'd truly come out the other side of it, that he'd not only survived, but moved on, apart from it. And perhaps it is possible. He's come this far already. ]

I... really hope so. Even if- I mean, I wanna make progress, and all of that, but I'm not really looking to do the whole forgiveness thing. I don't know, maybe it would be different if it was just me, but... the person who made me this way, gave me the um, powers and also the PTSD, didn't just hurt me. He hurt the people I care about. And a ton of innocent people I've never even met, who matter, too. So if that was gonna be a big part of the lesson, uh, probably should mention it's... not really on the table.

[ Cisco is extremely hesitant, saying all that, in halting fits and starts. Not only because it carries with it the usual difficulty that he always has, talking even obliquely about Eobard Thawne, but because he worries that Genji will look down on him and see his refusal to even consider forgiving as a kind of moral failing. Cisco had heard far too many sanctimonious speeches, growing up, about the virtue of complete forgiveness, no matter the circumstances. It only seems natural to him, that somebody like Genji would think less of him, for not immediately forgiving. Cisco examines his face for any signs of disappointment, or scorn. ]

[ That gets a laugh out of him. ] Oh yes, you're right. I should speak to you more respectfully, shouldn't I?

[ It's strange to think of. Were they from the exact same world, could he have run into Cisco at some point? Surely someone with his skills would be in Overwatch.

He scratches at a scar on his face, still smiling a little. ] Don't worry, I've never really enjoyed sports myself. I was on the baseball team in middle school, it was terrible. [ Mostly because he wasn't the center of attention, but...

At what he says next, Genji's expression gets serious again and he crosses his arms. And shakes his head once he's finished. ]

No, forgiveness is something only you can decide for yourself if you need. I wouldn't force that upon you, nor expect it. [ Genji's expression softens. ] Some people don't deserve your forgiveness. That person sounds like one of them.

[ He leans back in his chair. ] I suppose my next question would be... do you want revenge? On this person? [ Another one of those tired, knowing expressions flits across his face. ] Because I can vouch for that path not being one that leads you towards any kind of peace.

Damn straight, you should.

[ But it's only too obvious that Cisco is joking about the whole thing; even setting aside the fact that Genji is more mature than him in all the ways that count, formality has never been Cisco's strong suit. He's not rude, or disrespectful, just not the best at grasping the finer points of etiquette or following social codes about how to speak, dress, etcetera.

The relief he feels when Genji doesn't scold him about the radical power of forgiveness is more intense than he'd anticipated. He meets Genji's gaze, the gratitude on his face clear to see. He merely nods, confirming Genji's guess that Eobard isn't the sort of person who deserves forgiveness. There were details he could give, stories he could tell. But he can't seem to force himself to say anything more than: ]

Eobard.

[ That piece of information is, after all, important to share. If Genji were to ever hear that name, whispers of someone called Eobard around town, Cisco would want to know. He doesn't say Eobard Thawne, however, because he doesn't feel like explaining why he and Eddie have the same surname. He couldn't explain that without telling the whole thing. ]

What?

[ Genji's question catches Cisco completely off-guard. Revenge isn't something he'd ever really thought of. He'd just been glad, when Eobard was gone. ]

No, I don't want revenge. I mean, it doesn't matter either way. He's dead. Beyond dead - Eddie erased him from existence. But... no.

[ He crosses his arms over his chest tightly, shifting his weight from foot to foot. The agitation in his body language just speaking about this man is all too easy to read. ]

If he- if he somehow showed up here tomorrow, I would just, um. Want him locked up somewhere he couldn't hurt anybody, and... as far away from me as possible.

Eobard? [ Genji hums in thought at that. The name doesn't ring a bell, which is a good thing. One never knows with this place.

He's relived that Cisco seems so blindsided by the thought of revenge. It would be so much harder to find the peace he needs if he had to untangle that ball of anger and violence. But he isn't surprised because Cisco doesn't seem the type for that. After all, the whole source of his fear is that he would hurt someone else. ]

I see. [ He says it gently. (He'll have to ask about the 'erased from existence' thing later.) ] That's good. Then you are already many steps ahead from where I was.

[ He sets his jaw with an audible click from the synthetic, lower one. ] When I was rescued by Overwatch, I was ordered to assist in taking down my family's empire. Now, it needed to be done. But I did it for revenge.

[ "To hope I would run into my brother" is the unsaid part of that. Hanzo left the clan shortly after his 'murder,' which he didn't realize until a few years later. ]

Stupidest name you ever heard, right?

[ Look, just because he's not hell-bent on revenge doesn't mean Cisco's above a little petty mockery. Besides, he honestly thinks it's probably good for him to use humor and chip away at the monolithic terrifying looming thing that Eobard Thawne has become in his mind. ]

Sounds like it was the right thing for someone to do, but maybe... not the right thing, for you. For your, um. Recovery.

[ Cisco wonders just how much choice Genji had had in the matter. Of course, it makes sense that he would want to help, with that particular undertaking. But Overwatch had saved Genji's life. Even if they told him he was under no obligation to work for them (and who knows if they even did that), he would probably feel indebted. Would probably need to stay in their good graces, if his prosthetics ever needed repair or upgrading. It's all a bit shady, from Cisco's point of view. ]

Not so sure about the whole 'steps ahead' thing. You make it sound... I don't know. Virtuous. But part of it's just realism. You're, like, a badass. You can fight. But even with my powers, it's not like I'd stand a chance against him.

[ Cisco doesn't know how strong Genji's brother must be, but chances are, it would almost certainly be a closer match than if he squared up against Eobard. When he even thinks about how it would be to confront the Reverse Flash, to fight him, Cisco's breaths go thin and quick. He would be dead in seconds. Dead faster than he could blink. Or would he draw it out again? Make Cisco dread it, the way he had the first time?

He needs to not do this: to not conjure up scenarios that will likely never happen. But he can't seem to hit the brakes, once his brain gets started. That unlikely eventuality had been unpleasantly easy for him to imagine, since October, when Eobard's ghost had seemed to be lurking everywhere he looked. Cisco shifts his arms, still keeping them crossed over his chest, but increasing the pressure, digging his fingers into his arm, trying to get control of himself. It's silly, to get worked up. He ought to be able to stop himself. ]

[ He chuckles. ] It's certainly unique.

[ Genji's brows raise slightly at that. He's not surprised, given how observant and clearly intelligent Cisco is. ] You aren't wrong. Overwatch saved my life and I am close friends with the doctor who primarily oversaw my 'rehabilitation' but... [ He looks up, then down, and winces at a particular memory of being hit with The Doomfist. ] When I was no longer needed in dismantling my family's empire, I left.

[ And it's almost funny, how one can envy another person's perspective and experiences. He chuckles again, a raspy one. ] One doesn't need physical strength and a weapon to fight someone. I may be strong, yes, but it was a life that was chosen for me. I was put in training since the moment I could walk. [ He shrugs his shoulders. ] I am always amazed by people who are much smarter than I am, able to save lives in different ways. [ The 'like you' isn't said, but implied.

Genji notices his sudden change in body language, understanding all too well what that might be implying. He leans forward in a mirror of what he'd done for him a moment ago, and puts a hand on Cisco's shoulder. His voice is quieter. ]

Why don't you take a deep breath, all the way from the bottom of your lungs? Exhale it slowly and count to ten.

[ Cisco had seen that doctor - at least, one of them - in Genji's memory, but it had only been a brief glimpse, and he'd been too distraught seeing Genji bashing his own head against a wall to pay much attention to her. Still, he's glad to hear there had at least been one person there who, from the sound of it, had cared more for Genji than how useful he could be. ]

They let you?

[ Saying he left, after all, leaves room for interpretation. It's possible he'd run away, become a fugitive. Cisco knows how these things can go, even with organizations that claim to have lofty goals. It seems just as likely that he had to escape his saviors as it would be that they'd voluntarily let go of an asset they'd clearly spent a lot of money on...

He can tell that Genji is talking about him - saying he's amazed by people like him, which almost makes Cisco laugh. There's not much about him that's worth being amazed over, as far as he's concerned. Sure, he's got smarts, but... he's someone who just helps amazing people, supports them, but that doesn't mean he is special. But since Genji never actually says it is Cisco he's speaking about, he doesn't know how he can argue without seeming arrogant. So he just feels his face flush, and says nothing.

It's mildly humiliating, when Genji lays a hand on his shoulder and tells him to take a deep breath. Cisco had rather hoped that his fear had gone unnoticed, would continue to, until he could master it himself. But, of course, Genji's observant, had seen right through him. He closes his eyes, nodding, and tries to draw in as deep a breath as he can. It's harder than it ought to be, fighting against his body, making himself let out that same breath slowly, while counting. It should be simple. Shouldn't be an issue in the first place. He swallows, murmurs a quick, quiet: ]

Sorry.

[ He thinks about explaining, that he ought to offer some sort of excuse or justification to Genji, but he bites it back, focuses instead on trying for a second deep breath. He has a little more success, with this one, loosens the vice grip on his own arms as he exhales as slowly as he can. ]

Edited (a million typos) 2018-01-20 23:35 (UTC)

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