riverviewlogs | (closed) tell me you've never loved me, tell me it was just a lie

Entry tags:

(closed) tell me you've never loved me, tell me it was just a lie

who: loki and billy
what: escapades
when: llllate because NERDING OUT HAS NO CURFEW and neither does thievery
where: sanctum sanctorum
warnings: tba

[ With the sleeves of his shirt smoking and hair singed, a burn stripes down one side of Loki's face from temple to jaw as he barges into the Sanctum at ass o'clock, stripping off his coat to stamp on the blackened parts. Shit. The shadowthread will need reworking. That's going to be time-consuming. His hot vest makes a loud clatter when he dumps the too-warm scalemaille in haste, climbing the stairs as he makes his way toward a working bathroom (not the acid one). By the time he passes multiple doors and makes it to his destination, his eye is stinging and Loki drops to his knees by the sink, elbows hooked over the edge.

When he isn't so dazed he stands and peers into the mirror at the mess several would-be Hel Hounds have made of him, their breath particularly nostalgic from a bird's-eye perspective but never so close up. They weren't purebreds, of course, some moon-twisted Silent Hill remake of Thori, more like split-mouthed hyenas than anything ...

He's glad those jaws never took purchase. He would have totally shredded his coat, never mind his arm.

Making more noise than usual as he goes about washing his wound, disorientated, the godling yelps and curses without any volume control because either Sam is around visiting Stephen and will come by to help or Loki is home alone while the sorcerer is off with his squeeze on a horrendously normal date. Blood drips red onto ceramic, a sheen of blue caught in it when the electric lights shine a certain way.

Above all, Loki sincerely hopes there is some ice cream left in the unchained fridge. ]

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[ Laughing at that, he instead hums his way through the rest of the song, shyer about it. What big eyes you have, the kind of eyes that drive wolves mad... It's an easy thing to step back with Billy's hand in his to guide him into a slow twirl, then reel him back in. What a big heart I have, the better to love you with ... Little Red Riding Hood, even Bad Wolves can be Good ...

Billy being shorter is much more noticeable when they stand so close, with Loki briefly resting his chin on a brunette crown just to chuckle about it moments later when he meets Billy's eyes, unapologetic. ]

( like this, it’s easy to fall in step with loki. to follow his lead, spinning when spun despite how ridiculous it is. he leans back into loki, hand pressing against his arm this time, listening quietly as he hums along to the tune. when a chin presses to his hair, he’s quick to pull back a breath, lips twisting as he meets loki’s eyes.

billy’s leaning back in just a moment later, head tilting up as he speaks soft, low enough that it’s not loud but enough to be heard over the music. ) I’m still going to get you to talk to me, you know. ( because he’s nothing if not determined. )

[ The shake of his head is slow, a refusal to admit his true feelings that goes so strong he isn't even animated about it. His hand in Billy's, guiding the dance, gives a light squeeze. ]

What remains to be asked, Billy?

( the hand he has in loki's own shifts, fingers moving to entangle with the godling's as he leans in close. not too tight, but tight enough. they're here, in an empty club, dancing along to music with no one else present. it's a safe place to talk. )

Yesterday. What that was wasn't just getting physically hurt--it wasn't just the burns.

[ A twitch goes in the corner of his eye, dredged out of pleasanter thoughts with Billy nearby ... but that feels like a trick, a distraction, when the witch speaks. ]

I don't want to think about that. Leave it be, Billy.

( right. the hand pressed to loki's arm slides down, moves to his waist instead, as he tries to shift to lead the dance, rather than keep letting loki lead him. he takes a sharp breath in, steadies himself. )

I know you said you were spinning bullshit, but I still can't help but feel like maybe you are right. Maybe I was subconsciously doing something to Teddy. Maybe I'm doing it to you. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know how to handle any of this. I still have nightmares about the Cube, about the rabbits. Most of the time I just want to curl up in bed and not do anything at all--Hell, I've been wanting to do that since I got here.

I'm not really hero-material, you know--but I'm trying my best. And keeping things bottled up doesn't help anyone. I know I'm kind of the worst person to say that, but. . I'm here for you? I Want to be.

[ Oh, thank Odin, it's not really about Loki. He can work with that, although ... did he want it to be solely about his problems, just a little? Mostly no, and that's what matters. He lets Billy lead and battles his own covetous stubbornness when it comes to his memories, versus the problem Billy has confessed to. ]

You didn't do anything to me. Not in that way, at least.

[ Tilting his head up, he eyes the stars. ]

I have a history with you that you don't share anymore and I'm unwilling to foist it on you. That's not fair. But ... it means a lot, the lost words you once said, and I can't let go of them entirely.

( it is about loki, it's just so much easier to get someone to open up if he's stupid and opens his mouth first. this part isn't about him--but it got words out of loki that billy isn't sure he would have gotten out of him otherwise. )

I'd rather know than have this. . this thing between us. I'm sorry I don't remember any of it. Honestly, I wish I could fix it because it's weird having people remember and know me when I don't know them. I mean--no, I don't share that history with you anymore, but it does mean something to you. And even if you think it's not fair to shove it onto me, I still want to know? So it's not like I'm an unwilling participant.

I don't want it to seem as though I expect the same from you, or make you uncomfortable.

[ It's all so personal, he knows it will. How can it not? ]

I never wanted that here.

I'm going to go my own way no matter what you tell me, Loki. And maybe it's a little weird to think you were hanging out with me here for--some amount of months but it wasn't quite me me, or at least I don't remember it, but alternative versions isn't exactly a new concept.

( after all those endless. .. however long it was--time passes by weird when dimension hopping--there's not much he'd be surprised over. )

This me isn't going anywhere any time soon, either. So you can either keep it to yourself and feel bad about it, or tell me and not have to worry about it as much.

... I would have stayed with you.

[ It all comes out backwards, dropping Billy's gaze to shy his eyes down as the dance turns into an absent sway. The shake of his head reels in the rest of the confession and he ultimately chooses, for now, to hold his tongue and remain twisted up. ]

You know, it's funny, because in the end I loved someone else more all because you did leave. And then they left too, the same way. [ His mouth tastes dry. ] No one ever lasts long on this moon if I want them to.

( yeah, that's vague and he's not getting it. not fully, anyway. his hand keeps it's tight grip on loki's own, but he's moving to curl their intertwined fingers in against loki's chest, using it to help push him along to the beat. billy can't promise to stay, that would be a lie. he--he needs to get back home, eventually. he has responsibilities, people he cares about, things he just can't let go of. )

You're--from a few years ahead, right? Teddy and Tommy. . we got them out, right?

[ The absence of any promises rings out clear a bell but isn't unexpected. He nods, downcast. ]

There was a big New Year's Eve party.

So I'm fine here, for a while. If they're okay, that's all that matters. I don't need to leave here any time soon.

( and if loki's from his future and billy hasn't disappeared from the timeline--it'll be okay. )

I'm not leaving you like this. We've--got plenty of time. We'll figure something out. Okay? Stay with me.

I don't need a babysitter, Billy.

[ But he isn't running away, that much is for sure. ]

I wasn't offering. I don't think I could handle being responsible for you.

( not like that. loki's predictably unpredictable. a little better, here. but. )

We're friends. Friends don't abandon each other.

You said that before, too.

[ Stepping out of the dance, he heads back toward the sound-stage. The music somehow grates now. ]

( that didn't work out quite as planned. billy stays in place, raises a hand to rake fingers through his fringe. )

I can't change the past. Neither can you. We all make mistakes, but part of making mistakes is learning from them? I mean I guess maybe it wasn't exactly me who said it before or. . however this works, but. Let me try again.

[ The music's crooning cuts out and the stars vanish, shifting to dull greens and blues that slowly sweep the floor as Loki paces back. ]

Last time we danced, you kissed me. I kissed you, I mean, but you kissed back, and then we went to sleep together. It was at a rave with glitter that amplified emotions and you let me paint your heart, then trusted me to keep you safe from everyone else.

[ Stopping in front of Billy, he draws a line with two fingers over his heart. ]

Here.

( the kissing part sounds weird, but the rest of it doesn't sound too far off. but he's not going to bitch at loki for kissing him, when billy's the one who asked loki to open up to him. considering they just did sleep together, curled up on a couch with documentaries playing in the background--

--it's not too far off the mark. )

I do trust you to keep me safe from things like that. ( loki is a lot of things. a manipulative asshole, sometimes. a mischief maker, an unpredictable god who does things on his own schedule, who does what he wants. but he wouldn't let billy get caught up in something stupid. not unless it was by loki's own design.

billy reaches a hand out, wraps fingers around loki's wrist. ) You said we went on dates, before.

[ Billy thinks Loki is a master manipulator, but what is this. Didn't Loki just resolve to stay silent and now ...

Now he can't seem to stem the words when Billy touches him. ]

For coffee, and into the markets when there were festivals. We sat under a tree in the park [ sighing, because this sounds awfully depressing, ] with a blanket, because I didn't want us to curl up in bed like that. I knew you'd regret it.

So you liked me. ( and not just in the stupid, open his mouth and let out whatever flirty bullshit he feels like saying first way. loki's spoken about crushes around him, about feelings, netflix and chill, but this is. loki. )

You liked me enough to stop and be considerate of how I'd feel about stuff after. ( wow. ) Not that I know what exactly was going through my mind at that time, but, you do know I can decide things on my own, right? And I'm generally pretty good at telling people off when I need to.

You sounds surprised that I'm not a totally selfish shit. I deserve that, but. Yeah, I was considerate [ green eyes, clear of delusion because he cannot lie to himself, swerve up to meet Billy, ] because you're in love with Teddy and I'm not stupid enough to believe you'd ever give up actual happiness for ...

Well, for me.

I'm not surprised at your. . unselfishness. I'm surprised you had feelings for me to that extent. ( he's a god, far beyond billy. loki. . has probably held feelings for others before, but billy can't imagine him holding those kinds of feelings for. well. him. loki is selfish, horrendously so, but so's billy. )

We kissed. You wanted to stay with me like that. Is that it?

I would have.

[ The problem was ... ]

But then Teddy arrived through the portal, the sixteen-year-old I told you about, and suddenly ... I knew I'd been wasting my time. You and he could never be parted, not even across time and space, and I wasn't even mad because I understood.

I moved out of the communal apartment after some ... tense words, and then. You were gone.

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