riverviewlogs | (closed) tell me you've never loved me, tell me it was just a lie

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(closed) tell me you've never loved me, tell me it was just a lie

who: loki and billy
what: escapades
when: llllate because NERDING OUT HAS NO CURFEW and neither does thievery
where: sanctum sanctorum
warnings: tba

[ With the sleeves of his shirt smoking and hair singed, a burn stripes down one side of Loki's face from temple to jaw as he barges into the Sanctum at ass o'clock, stripping off his coat to stamp on the blackened parts. Shit. The shadowthread will need reworking. That's going to be time-consuming. His hot vest makes a loud clatter when he dumps the too-warm scalemaille in haste, climbing the stairs as he makes his way toward a working bathroom (not the acid one). By the time he passes multiple doors and makes it to his destination, his eye is stinging and Loki drops to his knees by the sink, elbows hooked over the edge.

When he isn't so dazed he stands and peers into the mirror at the mess several would-be Hel Hounds have made of him, their breath particularly nostalgic from a bird's-eye perspective but never so close up. They weren't purebreds, of course, some moon-twisted Silent Hill remake of Thori, more like split-mouthed hyenas than anything ...

He's glad those jaws never took purchase. He would have totally shredded his coat, never mind his arm.

Making more noise than usual as he goes about washing his wound, disorientated, the godling yelps and curses without any volume control because either Sam is around visiting Stephen and will come by to help or Loki is home alone while the sorcerer is off with his squeeze on a horrendously normal date. Blood drips red onto ceramic, a sheen of blue caught in it when the electric lights shine a certain way.

Above all, Loki sincerely hopes there is some ice cream left in the unchained fridge. ]

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( yeah, that's vague and he's not getting it. not fully, anyway. his hand keeps it's tight grip on loki's own, but he's moving to curl their intertwined fingers in against loki's chest, using it to help push him along to the beat. billy can't promise to stay, that would be a lie. he--he needs to get back home, eventually. he has responsibilities, people he cares about, things he just can't let go of. )

You're--from a few years ahead, right? Teddy and Tommy. . we got them out, right?

[ The absence of any promises rings out clear a bell but isn't unexpected. He nods, downcast. ]

There was a big New Year's Eve party.

So I'm fine here, for a while. If they're okay, that's all that matters. I don't need to leave here any time soon.

( and if loki's from his future and billy hasn't disappeared from the timeline--it'll be okay. )

I'm not leaving you like this. We've--got plenty of time. We'll figure something out. Okay? Stay with me.

I don't need a babysitter, Billy.

[ But he isn't running away, that much is for sure. ]

I wasn't offering. I don't think I could handle being responsible for you.

( not like that. loki's predictably unpredictable. a little better, here. but. )

We're friends. Friends don't abandon each other.

You said that before, too.

[ Stepping out of the dance, he heads back toward the sound-stage. The music somehow grates now. ]

( that didn't work out quite as planned. billy stays in place, raises a hand to rake fingers through his fringe. )

I can't change the past. Neither can you. We all make mistakes, but part of making mistakes is learning from them? I mean I guess maybe it wasn't exactly me who said it before or. . however this works, but. Let me try again.

[ The music's crooning cuts out and the stars vanish, shifting to dull greens and blues that slowly sweep the floor as Loki paces back. ]

Last time we danced, you kissed me. I kissed you, I mean, but you kissed back, and then we went to sleep together. It was at a rave with glitter that amplified emotions and you let me paint your heart, then trusted me to keep you safe from everyone else.

[ Stopping in front of Billy, he draws a line with two fingers over his heart. ]

Here.

( the kissing part sounds weird, but the rest of it doesn't sound too far off. but he's not going to bitch at loki for kissing him, when billy's the one who asked loki to open up to him. considering they just did sleep together, curled up on a couch with documentaries playing in the background--

--it's not too far off the mark. )

I do trust you to keep me safe from things like that. ( loki is a lot of things. a manipulative asshole, sometimes. a mischief maker, an unpredictable god who does things on his own schedule, who does what he wants. but he wouldn't let billy get caught up in something stupid. not unless it was by loki's own design.

billy reaches a hand out, wraps fingers around loki's wrist. ) You said we went on dates, before.

[ Billy thinks Loki is a master manipulator, but what is this. Didn't Loki just resolve to stay silent and now ...

Now he can't seem to stem the words when Billy touches him. ]

For coffee, and into the markets when there were festivals. We sat under a tree in the park [ sighing, because this sounds awfully depressing, ] with a blanket, because I didn't want us to curl up in bed like that. I knew you'd regret it.

So you liked me. ( and not just in the stupid, open his mouth and let out whatever flirty bullshit he feels like saying first way. loki's spoken about crushes around him, about feelings, netflix and chill, but this is. loki. )

You liked me enough to stop and be considerate of how I'd feel about stuff after. ( wow. ) Not that I know what exactly was going through my mind at that time, but, you do know I can decide things on my own, right? And I'm generally pretty good at telling people off when I need to.

You sounds surprised that I'm not a totally selfish shit. I deserve that, but. Yeah, I was considerate [ green eyes, clear of delusion because he cannot lie to himself, swerve up to meet Billy, ] because you're in love with Teddy and I'm not stupid enough to believe you'd ever give up actual happiness for ...

Well, for me.

I'm not surprised at your. . unselfishness. I'm surprised you had feelings for me to that extent. ( he's a god, far beyond billy. loki. . has probably held feelings for others before, but billy can't imagine him holding those kinds of feelings for. well. him. loki is selfish, horrendously so, but so's billy. )

We kissed. You wanted to stay with me like that. Is that it?

I would have.

[ The problem was ... ]

But then Teddy arrived through the portal, the sixteen-year-old I told you about, and suddenly ... I knew I'd been wasting my time. You and he could never be parted, not even across time and space, and I wasn't even mad because I understood.

I moved out of the communal apartment after some ... tense words, and then. You were gone.

Well, yeah. I love Teddy. We're a mess--sometimes he makes me want to rip my hair out. Sometimes we fight, sometimes we lie to each other, sometimes he gets stupidly jealous over things that happened years ago, but he's always been there for me. He's as sweet as he is strong, and he'll always do what he thinks is right no matter what anyone else thinks about it, including me. ( his grip on loki's wrist tightens a little, before he's lowering both of their hands down. )

Teddy could come through that portal tomorrow, tell me about some future where he hates my guts, where we broke up and fought for years and years, or he went evil, and I'd still love him. There isn't anything in the multiverse that's going to change that. I'm not going to lie to you and say there is.

But, ( his grip on loki's wrist shifts, moves to entangle their fingers once more. maybe he shouldn't. but they're already standing this close, and he needs to do something. ) That doesn't invalidate your feelings. But you're right. I wouldn't give up on Teddy, not ever. Not even stuck on this moon with no way back. ( a deep breath in, steadying. ) If I kissed you, then it meant something. And honestly? Look at yourself, Loki. Maybe I am attracted to you, but I wouldn't just kiss someone because I liked how they looked.

I don't know what happened, but it all sounds like it went down really stupidly.

[ His gaze slips across the room halfway through the Teddy monologue, not needing (or wanting) to hear it when he isn't a dumb child who entertains the notion Billy will ever be with him, not Endgame-wise. About to pull away, he stops only because Billy laces their fingers, looking down at him seriously. ]

It was stupid. I'd lost everything back home and then here you were, and you actually liked me. I think you did. That was nice.

But you weren't the first person here to treat me as a disposable distraction, or the last. [ Rolling his eyes, he hurriedly adds, ] I told you, I'm not mad. Just disappointed. I don't want to put any of that on you now while your memory is foggy, so let's be friends.

You weren't even the one who broke my heart, so it's fine. We're fine.

“Disposable distraction”. ( he repeats the words as if he can’t believe he’s hearing them, as if they’re some foreign, strange language he doesn’t quite understand even as he stops and realizes that, were teddy here, chances are he wouldn’t be standing here on an empty dance floor, holding onto loki’s hand. it doesn’t make him disposable. he’d still—be hanging out with him. )

I like you, Loki. I just—don’t love you like that. Not like I do Teddy. We are friends. ( there’s another point he wants to make; that billy’s not going to last even a fraction of loki’s life span, that the amount of time he’ll be around, whether it’s here or elsewhere, is nothing to loki. if anything, it’s billy who is the disposable distraction, isn’t it? but arguing won’t get him anywhere right now. and it’s not what he wants. )

Who broke your heart?

I know you and Teddy are a forever deal. I'm not a moron, I just had hopes for a while ... blissfully deluded as they were by every kiss.

[ He takes a breath and pulls his hand back to fold his arms, defensive as he swallows a name. ]

Anthony. Tony Stark ... our Stark.

Oh.

( a loki dating their captain america, another loki with tony stark. is this some kind of weird reality tv show that they’re all taking part of, full off dating drama, breakups, and all that? because he’s really not a fan. )

I’m—sorry. ( what else is he supposed to say to that? this is the point in which he would usually maybe reach out to hug loki, but he’s already pulled away, so. ) I’m really sorry. Is that why you were upset, earlier? Can I do something?

No, he returned home to enter a coma, like the one I put him in here before he left, [ which wasn't his fault and Tony told him so, but Loki assumes the blame for it all the same, ] or perhaps to die, as Doom so helpfully suggested when he was here from their future. I don't want to talk about any of it.

[ It animated him in ways discussing his Thing with Billy didn't, tightening Loki's brow and lips into hard lines as he stiffly shakes his head. ]

Everything's over now, it's a clean slate.

Okay. That’s fair. ( it raises numerous questions that he really wants to ask--what loki knows about this future, what the hell is going on, what’s wrong with tony (aside from the obvious), what he’s been missing out on but. this really isn’t the time nor the place to talk about that nonsense.

but he’s going to move in those last few breaths between them and wrap his arms around loki regardless, holding onto him tight. ) I--I don’t think that’s how this works, but. . I’m here for you, okay? As your friend.

[ Being held without provocation has his hands alighting on Billy's shoulders, not pushing him away but neither gathering him in. Pity is a fine enough emotion but it doesn't strike a grand chord in Loki, hardwired to care about more potent feelings; he appreciates Billy's goodness and that's the long and short of it.

And he does like to be cuddled, whatever else. ]

I don't feel any better after telling you all of this.

[ He just ... feels exceedingly foolish, tricking himself into a bubble where he and Billy (for a time) were content with just each other. ]

Sorry. ( what are you supposed to say to someone who fell in with tony stark and had their heart broken. billy likes him well enough, understands the reasons why tony makes weird decisions, doesn’t blame him for much of it but. dealing with a broken heart is hard. there’s no easy resolution. there’s nothing that can solve it, really.

aside from erasing memories of it entirely but he’s not sure loki would appreciate the suggestion right now. loki does like to be coddled--that’s something that has become abundantly clear since he’s gotten here. so billy settles his arms around loki’s waist, holds onto him loosely. ) I don’t have any plans for. . the foreseeable future. We can go lay down on the couch and watch more space documentaries if you want. Promise I won’t fall asleep this time. And I won’t push you off.

Not even accidentally?

[ Billy is still holding on and Loki's barriers are best broken down by physical contact, whether it be fists or otherwise, so he nods after a moment in agreement. ]

... You noticed the space stuff?

Maybe accidentally. I can't promise not to roll over and knock you off. But I can promise I won't intentionally do it.

( he's not sulking much anymore, so. billy lets his arms drop down, hands moving to his sides. )

I woke up for a second.

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