riverviewlogs | October Catch All and Memory Share [open]

[ The more these dreams kept happening, the more Hana began to think that she needed to stop sleeping until someone figured out how to make them stop. The daytime flashes were horrifying enough in their own right - but to try and sleep at night hoping for peaceful respite only to be haunted by your own or someone else's memories made it all the worse.

Tonight she found herself in a room cast in purple. Sometimes she would find whoever it was whose memory she was in right away - other times, she hadn't. This seemed to be one of those times. It wasn't until she turned and found a hooded figure - and someone strapped to a table beyond it - that she realized whose this was.

Her heart sank.

Because her eyes met Shiro's, even if the Shiro she was looking at was a figment of a memory, being such, he was only there to show her how this would play out. And the Shiro she saw looked different. If not for the familiar voice, she might have mistaken him for an entirely different person without that lock of white hair - but then her gaze trailed down and she saw the gaping wound across the bridge of his nose - the one that she knew as a scar. ]

Shi—

[ his name passed from her lips, but in the end it's drowned out by the memory Shiro's painful cries as he was electrocuted. Hana took a step back, and her hands clapped over her mouth as she gasped. No, Shiro, oh no—

That was when she realized the biggest difference between the Shiro she was seeing and the Shiro she knew.

He still had his arm.

It's time that we made some improvements. ]

No! Shiro—!

[ One hand reached out and she forced herself to move, feet taking her forward even knowing full well that this was a memory, that there was nothing she could do. This already happened. Still, forward she went until her surroundings began to blur and fade into darkness, leaving her standing with an outstretched arm - and Shiro.

Her Shiro. The one she knew.

Wide eyes met his, and began to well with tears. ]

[It was something that he had seen before, only from first hand perspective. He'd been the one with a wound across his face and the only "help" he'd received was to go through that. Facing the druid, the Galra who had assisted, it made Shiro sick just to watch it because even if the memory didn't show it, he knew the ending to that story and despite not seeing it, it shoved forward from the back of his mind and he crossed his arms, looking down at his metal arm. But he couldn't stop himself from hearing it.

He missed the first one, but when she shouted a second time, he heard it and his gaze moved from his arm to Hana. She... she had seen it. There was no denying she had seen what he had been through. She had moved as though to try and stop it.

He wasn't sure what hurt more, seeing it or knowing she had seen it. It was one thing to say the words, but someone seeing exactly what happened was completely different. And this was mundane compared to some of his half formed memories.

He looked down again]

That... that's what I went through. Only one in more times than I can remember.

[Which was part of it as well. He couldn't remember a lot of what they had done to him]

[ Her heart was breaking for him; she didn't have to see the rest of what happened after what she'd already seen. She could tell how that story ended just by looking at the Shiro in front of her. What unimaginable suffering he must have gone through that whole time he was being held captive with the Galra... how much more did they break him? What more did they take from him?

She walked to him slowly, arms dropping to her sides. She wanted nothing more than to give him a hug, but the way he was looking down, she didn't want to scare him by invading his space more than she already had just being in this memory. So instead she stopped just in front of him, the both of them surrounded by darkness, and tentatively rest her hand on his arm - his prosthetic arm. ]

I'm sorry, Shiro. That they did this to you.

[ So many of her friends here, she had learned, had gone through so much... and experience so much pain... ]

Do you want to talk about it?

[ Asking if he was okay was pointless. Of course he wouldn't be okay. But if he wanted to talk about it to her... she would listen. ]

[He might have actually wanted a hug, but of he had known she had considered it and why she hadn't, he would have been grateful. He was already on edge from witnessing this, seeing a moment in his life that he wished daily had never been inflicted upon him.

It was the hand he had been dealt though and while the consequences had lead to Voltron and everything they were doing to stop Zarkon, it was impossible to feel like life cared about him watching it again]

It's not your fault... But thank you.

[Did he want to talk about it? Yes and no at the same time. He wanted to stop being a leader for once and have someone hear him as someone who was having trouble. Not that he doubted the others - especially Keith and Allura - would drop everything and listen, but it was hard to actually call attention to himself in that way. He hadn't even told them real reason he'd eject Sendak off the Castle of Lions. But at the same time...]

I don't even know where I would start.

[ Luckily, the memory seemed to fade to black around them, leaving her and Shiro sort of floating about in a dark dreamscape. It was a strange way to be, and part of her wondered if she should try and wake herself up and go see him in real life, if that would help more than... this. Maybe a real life hug would do better than one here.

She could sense, at least, that he was a little conflicted about whether or not he wanted to talk about what she'd seen. Genji could be that way sometimes whenever she asked about his past, although she was sure that it was more for want of keeping his past life separate from his current, more peaceful state of being in the older man's case. For Shiro... ]

It doesn't have to make sense or anything. Just tell me what you're thinking.

[ Another beat before she added, ] If you want to. I mean, I'll listen to whatever you want to say.

[Shiro was wondering if they could wake up as well, not wanting to be surrounded by this any more with the possibility that it could somehow be triggered again and he'd have to start watching it again. Once was enough for one night. Once was enough for several nights as far as he was concerned.

He hadn't even really told the other paladins what he had been through. For some reason though, it was different with Hana. Like how he could use video games with her as an escape and not have to be serious, he didn't have to keep things hidden from her. It wouldn't change how someone treated him on a mission, how they saw him as a leader. The words practically wanted to come leaping out, but when he opened his mouth]

I don't think I can.

[ Certainly, Hana was different because before the Black Paladin or the team leader of Voltron, she just knew him as Shiro. Without the other paladins around, too, she didn't have as clear of a sense as to how much of his team's burden he shouldered as his own. She knew that he and Keith were close, but their bond really seemed more than just people on a team - they seemed a lot like brothers, to her.

She watched him carefully, waiting for his response, wondering what he would say. She blinked a few times when he said that he didn't think he could. Most people she'd encountered like this in her dreams - either talked about it or didn't want to. That Shiro said he couldn't... It made her heart ache for him. He must have been so deeply hurt by all of this. Which— after seeing what she had, made complete sense and she would never fault him for it.

This time, she really couldn't help it. She raised her arms and wrapped them around Shiro, pulling him into a hug. Against his shoulder, she said, ]

That's okay. You don't have to talk about it if you can't or don't want to.

[Keith was different. He practically was a younger brother to Shiro. He was also trusted more than some of the other paladins. He was the one that Shiro had picked to be his successor if something should happen to him. But even so he worried about Keith. He worried about the others as well. Some of them more than others. He had to be the one in charge in order to make sure things went smoothly. Even as they were working together with less supervision, he still did help with the plans.

Words failed him when he wanted to talk about what had happened. There was too much that there didn't seem to be a way for the words to get out without getting tangled. There was just... everything. How could he possibly explain a year? He couldn't even tell the others back home.

But then she was hugging him. She had just watched something he was most ashamed of and she was still there and hugging him. He frowned even though she wasn't able to see and pressed his head against hers]

Thank you. I just don't know how to.

[ She was glad that he didn't push her away - she wasn't sure, at first, if he would be okay with her doing that even if this was in a dream. It was still a vulnerable moment for the both of them, but him especially. He didn't try to pull away - he even had to hunch over a lot because of how much shorter she was compared to him and he didn't make a move away, instead pressing his head to hers. Still, she kept her arms around him loose and pliable, still, just in case. ]

It's fine if you don't know how to. No one's making you talk about it, 'kay? I'm sorry this happened to you, Shiro.

[Shiro just nodded against her, trying to get words to work again, but there wasn't a chance he was going to be able to talk about this. He really just wanted someone to hold onto, an emotional safe haven when his own brain was not working properly. He'd always worried that someone would push him away if they actually saw this, but she wasn't pushing him away]

Thank you.

[ She wasn't pushing him away. In fact, her arms tightened around him just the slightest when he nodded against her and thanked her. This wasn't real - it was just a dream, but she hoped that the gesture would mean as much as it would have if it happened in person. ]

You're welcome.

October Catch All and Memory Share [open]

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