(open) like i was never there

[scholiast]

who: lucretia & you!
what: october memory share event
when: 9/10 to 23/10
where: all over
warnings: n/a yet, will update if things get intense

OPEN MEMORIES:

(these memories are all open for anybody to experience! if you'd like them to be shared flick me a message/just reply and we can sort it all out as we go haha. also feel free to text lucretia to let her know you saw one of her memories if u like and we can do it that way too :-) basically i am down for whatever way you wanna interpret these! if you'd like a specific memory or something a little more personal on lucretia's end feel free to hit me up on plurk at blisters and we can sort something out! ♡ )

#1 - beyond the oceansize, i'm unaware (first or third person: happy, relaxed)

(This memory starts out with the bright sun, high in the sky, and slowly unfolds to reveal a tropical scene set out before the viewer, complete with crystal clear ocean, and white, sandy beaches. This is the first Captain Davenport appointed mental health year Lucretia and her crew experienced, after they were quick to capture the light of creation within a day or so of arriving on this world. They were able to write the rest of this cycle off and spend it relaxing by the beach, cooking for each other, swimming, taking time off from fighting off the apocalypse.

During this particular memory, Lucretia is sitting out on the sands, wearing a big floppy sunhat and sandals. She still has her bathing suit on underneath her shorts, as she's been alternating between swimming and sunbathing all day, and generally having a really good time; now, she's got a big sketchpad propped in her lap, and she's sketching with large, loose gestures, just laying down the base of what is later going to be an elaborate portrait.

The memory meanders along, but follows her careful completion of the painting: when it's done, the portrait sits propped on an easel in her quarters, a dedication to the members of the IPRE. Lucretia's family. She is in the middle, holding her book and slightly hunched. Magnus has his arm about her, a broad grin on his face; Davenport, their Captain, is in the front, looking proud and impressive in his tailored jacket. Lup and Taako are arm in arm, and Lup has her other arm flung around Barry's neck, pulling him in close. Merle looks like he's in mid-laugh, turned to face the twins. They're all in their red robed uniforms, but everybody looks so happy, so relaxed.)

#2 - as we stood tall together: first person (proud, nostalgic)

(The second memory is from a much later cycle, no less important than the first. It takes place at the Legato Conservatory, during the ceremony wherein students of the Conservatory submit various works to the Light of Creation in the hopes they will be accepted so they may be granted access to the mysterious caves grouped about the mountain. The criteria for works selected isn't entirely clear, because, unbeknownst to Lucretia and the rest of the Star Blaster crew, the submissions are reviewed and consumed by Voidfish living in the caves. If the submissions are accepted, the Voidfish choose to broadcast those works to the world at large and everybody in it. The submissions, in this way, become immortalised amongst the people who live there. If the Voidfish does not like the submission, it is erased from memory as if it never existed in the first place, so there's a bit of pressure riding on the whole situation.

Lucretia has just submitted a painting to be reviewed: a detailed depiction of a famous city market square from her hometown. Despite having not seen it in fifty years, the painting is remarkably detailed, lovingly so, and even though she's nervous about presenting it to the Light of Creation, it's clear that she's really proud of the work that she's done.

This memory is tinged with a sad sense of nostalgia for her long gone home planet, though it is swiftly replaced with overwhelming pride and excitement when the Voidfish accepts her work, and promptly broadcasts the painting into the minds of everybody on the planet.)

#3 - oh my friends, i am heavy (third person: anxious, uncertain)

(The final memory is of a different nature entirely.

This memory details Lucretia sitting cross-legged on the floor of her quarters on the Star Blaster and she is surrounded by books. Countless journals lie open on the floor and she is sifting through them with shaking hands, a fresh journal propped open on her lap. She has a quill in her left hand and every so often she pauses to scratch out a new line in accordance with something she's just read.

She is compiling every scrap of information into a final journal, one that she will eventually feed to the ship's Voidfish, causing her crew members to forget everything that had happened to them over the last one hundred years. Picking what to keep and what to erase is difficult. There are a lot of memories to sift through, and not all of them are good. Sometimes she has to pause to collect herself; other times she stops writing so she can laugh, soft and fond.

Lucretia has already been at this for half a week without pause: she is tired, and overwhelmingly anxious. But there is a strong current of determination underneath of it all that keeps her going, despite the difficulty of her task. This memory isn't as exciting or fast-paced as the other two: just a long vignette of her pouring over almost one hundred years worth of words as Lucretia tries to reconcile with herself the magnitude of what she is planning to do.)

Comments

for spellslots ♡

[scholiast]

(This memory of the sixty-fifth cycle is the second shared dream she's had in a week. Lucretia can tell that something is wrong straight away. The first clue is the perspective; she is standing on the cold earth and staring at the smoking wreck of the Star Blaster, watching the smoke curl and dance away in the still air. Usually, when she dreams about this she simply relives the experience: it is something else entirely to watch it happen from a third person perspective. It feels new, and she curses this cruelty as she takes a hesitant step backwards from the ship, glancing around her.

The second clue is that Taako is standing a few feet away from her, to her left.

She registers his presence with a horrible wave of dread. No, not this. Anything but this. These are memories she doesn't ever want to share; the only cycle she never wrote down. Despite the knee-jerk reaction to run, to magic herself out of the situation, she knows that escape is impossible. She will have to ride this one out, and try to deal with knowing that Taako is about to see her at her lowest, her most vulnerable. The thought of that deeply scares her for some reason.

She doesn't go to him, simply turns to look at the Starblaster again in silence, her posture rigid and anxious.)

[spellslots]

[The first thing he feels is a deeply ingrained fear, at seeing the Starblaster in that state, because even if its been more than a decade since the cycles he's still hardwired to worry when something is wrong with the ship. It takes him a second to realize the truth of what's going on; this is a dream and it's Lucretia's, because she's just there.

After watching himself lose Lup all over again, it's a little harder to offer her anything but a glance.]

I guess we're doing this shit, huh?

[scholiast]

Yeah, (Lucretia says numbly, and flinches as she hears her own voice ring out sharply over the dismal silence, the ship quietly smouldering in the background.

She's calling for the others, and Lucretia remembers that confusion with crystal clarity, the terror of being unable to find her friends and the strange, stilted hope of there being no bodies. Perhaps they had been flung off the ship. Maybe somebody had teleported, or... or maybe she was the last to wake up and they'd all gone off to try and find some help.

When the younger Lucretia finally appears she looks worse for wear: bloodied and terrified, her hands shaking as she trails a scraped hand along the dented hull of the Starblaster. There is a large tear in the side of it where something had ripped through the metal and for a moment she simply stands and stares at it, clearly shocked.)

[spellslots]

[There should be something here, he's pretty sure, he should feel sad or worried or something, but he watches Lucretia fret around the Starblaster and all he can think is this is where it started. If she'd never been through this year, she never would've thought she could pull off her bullshit plan.

Instead of commenting on the scene in front of him, he says:]

The judges are dead, guess it's not quite the same since they'd already gotta fucked up by the Hunger, but they got taken down.

[scholiast]

That's good to know.

(It's all too much for Lucretia: the memories, the tension between them left over from something else entirely, the way Taako won't look at her. She's finding it hard to speak. It's an old, familiar panic.

The younger Lucretia looks like she's on the verge of losing what little calm she has left. Slowly, slowly, she forces herself to breathe, hands curling and uncurling at her sides, fingernails pressing into her palms to ward it all off– and then she abruptly heads back into the Starblaster.

And then memory fades out. At first, Lucretia thinks it is over, and she relaxes; but the scene swirls back into focus, two weeks later. Now they're inside the Starblaster and staring at the rip in the hull from the inside out and Lucretia is surrounded by books, the sleeves of her IPRE jacket shoved up her arms as she considers a blow torch with apprehension. Fisher is there in its tank, silently watching. There's a half-eaten apple perched on a copy of Barry's notes on the ship, Davenport's sloppy cursive occasionally intersecting his writings.)

I couldn't find anything else. (She says suddenly, but she doesn't look at Taako.) All that time on the ship and I had no idea how to fly it outside of the basics Davenport taught us at... at the beginning, during the uh, the regulated briefing. Remember? (The VHS tape, the way Davenport had made them take a quiz afterwards, had run them through various emergency scenarios. By the time it had come for Lucretia to put this into actual use, she was trying to rely on information she'd been taught sixty-four years ago.)

[spellslots]

[If Lup is fire, and she is, burning hot and bright and fast, then in moments like this, Taako is ice. Lup was angry at Lucretia in a rush of emotions that burned themselves out quickly, and Taako is left to thaw out painfully slowly, because this is how Lucretia left him. He thought, maybe, that things would be easier after the night in spent with her in bed, the way they used to on the Starblaster during a hard cycle, and he'd felt like something had loosened up, let go. But his argument with Loki had dragged it all back up and he's frozen over again and he can't act like everything is fine when it really isn't.]

How could I forget.

[There's no anger in his tone, it's just cold.]

for dancingmd ♡

[scholiast]

(The memory that Beverly receives is soft, fuzzy about the edges, only half-remembered. It starts off a little hazy at first: just a voice, one of an older woman. She is singing, and slowly her words fade into a light hum.

In the memory, Lucretia, thirteen years old, has her head cushioned on her mother's lap. They are both on the couch in her childhood home, and Lucretia's eyes are closed as her mother runs a hand light across the side of her head, fingers tangling in her daughter's curls. Lucretia is not quite asleep, only planning on resting her eyes. When her mother had bade her to come and sit she hadn't anticipated taking a nap on her, something she hasn't done since she was much, much younger. She still has a book clasped in both her hands, page marked stubbornly with her thumb.

But she's happy. The memory is content, and warm. It's a short and sweet moment that lasts the length of her mother's song, because after that Lucretia accidentally does nod off for a bit; then, it fades out again.)

[dancingmd]

(Considering the other dreams she's been having this week, about the Borg and god knows what else, the warm safety last night's dream comes as an extra welcome relief. She doesn't connect it to Lucretia right away, nor to anyone else. It easily could be explained by the wanderings of her own subconscious... except that song. She's sure she's never heard it before but now she can't get it out of her head, so she's humming it all morning as she prepares breakfast for Lucretia. Eggs, toast, coffee, fruit - nothing overly elaborate, but all those years living on ships with replicators easily at hand, she forgot how lovely it is to cook.)

[scholiast]

(Lucretia, having not heard the tune of her mother's song in over one hundred years, takes a little longer to place it than she might have liked. She is sitting at Beverly's kitchen table and taking it in turns to fill out a crossword and watch her girlfriend cook. Perhaps it's because she's still half asleep and Beverly is humming something soft and familiar underneath her breath, but she feels so content in this moment, so safe and warm. She yawns, rolling her shoulders in a lazy stretch.)

Hmmm. What song is that?

[dancingmd]

Hmm?

(Beverly looks up from beating the eggs and smiles at her sleepy lady. This domesticity is... nice. She hasn't had something like this since she was living at home with Nana. Even with Jack, they were often so far apart from one another on duty, they didn't really get much of a chance at this.)

I don't know. I've been trying to place it - I had a dream about it last night and now I can't get it out of my head.

[scholiast]

Huh.

(She glances back at her crossword, brow furrowed as she taps her pen against her mouth. Beverly's right: it does sounds familiar, and Lucretia can't quite place it, though it's on the tip of her tongue. She's humming the song as she fills in another word, and a couple lines of song even come to the forefront of her mind before she makes the connection and looks up at Beverly, surprised.)

My... my mother used to sing me that song. You had a dream about it? (Weird coincidence? Or...)

for umbrastaff ♡

[scholiast]

(First she shares a dream-memory with Taako, so it shouldn't surprise her that the next night Lup is there with her.

This time, thankfully, they're both watching something far less traumatic that her cycle alone play out in front of them. They are following along as Lucretia takes it upon herself to go and check on Merle, Magnus and Taako almost a full year to the date after she had left them behind. It's a strange memory, bittersweet about the edges.

Lucretia glances across and notices Lup standing there, watching; she turns her gaze back towards herself as she makes her way across the beach to where Merle can be seen, sitting out by the water's edge. He looks really content; far more so than he has recently, and like he's been getting a lot of sun. He's sitting in the sand with another dwarf: Hekuba. They're holding hands and clearly chatting amicably, their heads bowed together, but the memory-Lucretia hadn't dared to get any closer from her sneaky spot further up the beach and so any conversation between just sounds like soft mumbling.)

You know, I... I only lead him to half of this, (the real Lucretia says after a moment, addressing Lup even though her fond gaze is still on Merle and Hekuba, a tinge of sadness in her eyes. She misses him, more than she can say.)

I took him to the beach, but he carved this... this little life out for himself. Taako told me he has kids.

[umbrastaff]

[It has been an emotional roller coaster to see all these memories, but this? This is soft, kind. Something she had wanted to know, to see how her dearest family fared after everything had gone down.

Here, she is dream-flesh, blue eyes fond as she watches Merle on the beach with this woman. It's hard to believe that their weed grandpa plant-fucker has little mini-hims, honestly. Yet she hopes Merle has something beautiful like this to come back to after everything.

He's not running, and seeing this, she fully understands why.]

It's beautiful here, Luce. You picked a good spot.

[scholiast]

Thank you.

(The setting reminded her of the beach planet, and how Merle had been so happy there, so. She did what she could. It's melancholy, to watch Merle sit with his feet in the water. She glances away, over at Lup instead.)

I wanted to find somewhere I hoped he could make a temporary home of, but... well, I suppose it ended up becoming more of a permanent thing, huh.

[umbrastaff]

[She watches, putting her hands over her eyes when it looks like the two dwarves were about to kiss.

Adorable, but hella gross.]

They made a home for themselves thanks to you.

[She shrugs.]

All in all it was a bad call in general, but at least Maggie and Merle got something good out of it.

[Later struggles aside, that is.]

[scholiast]

(She laughs briefly when Lup hides her face.)

Don't– say it like that. (She isn't used to being thanked for anything, and still isn't sure if she ever should be. Maybe they did get something out of it, that's true, but... well, she didn't give that to them. They took that for themselves out of the mess she made of their lives.

Lucretia is still contemplating this when the scene starts to change. Her head shoots up to catch a last glimpse of Merle and Hekuba before they disappear in a swirl of memory.)

These dreams are so strange.

for dothelokimotion ♡

[scholiast]

(This memory takes place after Lucretia's cycle alone, and as a result she is looking to learn how to better protect herself. She approaches Merle, their cleric, to ask him for help with a spell: shield of faith. He shows her how to cast it, teaches her the basics- but this is all vaguely glossed over. It is merely the context for the body of the memory, which is of Lucretia slowly committing this spell to memory, practicing it over and over again alone. While she likes the general idea of the spell, it doesn't work exactly to her liking and so after learning the casting method by heart, she starts to tinker with it.

She spends long, frustrating afternoons trying to bend the perimeters of the spell: at first she thinks that the magic just won't let her. There are times she gives up, throwing her wand on the ground in frustration and stalking off, but she always returns to collect it again and give it one more go- just one more- which always stretches into two tries, three, four, five...

Almost all of these attempts are recorded in one of her many journals. The memory culminates in her first real progress: when she casts the spell, her shield shimmers, ripples in the air, and then slowly curves into a half-sphere. It bursts like that and rains a shower of sparks down upon her but Lucretia is overjoyed: she stares at where the shield had disappeared for a beat, and then she jumps, punches the air with a whoop of triumph.

She's so close. She stops briefly to make notes, and the memory fades out as she readies herself to try again.)

[dothelokimotion]

[ This is very reminiscent of Loki's childhood. Of practicing spells in the dark, even under the bed covers until he got it right. Asgard, after all, did not care for witches and magecraft. Even the Queen, who tried hard to make Loki unique, could not help that shadow that fell over him. A thin smile appears despite himself. ]

You truly love your craft.

[scholiast]

(Lucretia nods. She remembers this as being a mostly frustrating process but damn if it wasn't absolutely worth it for the successes that followed.

This is just straight up a brag now, but like. Hey, if she's proud of herself for anything it's that modified shield of faith spell.)

I changed the magic. That spell is one hundred percent my own– nobody else has ever cast anything quite like it. It's one of my greatest achievements.

[dothelokimotion]

How does it work? Belief and the manipulation of energy around you?

[ It is fascinating to him, the way other people use magic. And . . . freeing to have people to talk to. ]

[scholiast]

In a way. The more you practice a spell the more familiar you become with it to a point where sometimes you are able to cast it without having to prepare. It's easier to find the perimeters of what you have to work with and start to nudge them.

(It's quite hard to explain, actually. It's one of those things she just did out of stubbornness, and because the vision she had of what she wanted was clear enough for her to be able to twist the energy into what she wanted it to do.)

#3!!!

[heirlift]

[ This isn't the first night in his life that John has fallen asleep and found himself wandering through someone else's dreamscape. That much was par for the course. But he hasn't, in a very long while, and it's like returning to an old familiar place, after being away for years at a time. He acclimates easily enough, despite being in an unfamiliar place, watching an unfamiliar person write fervently in a journal. He feels like he shouldn't be here, but short of willing himself awake, which doesn't always work, he figures he's beholden. He doesn't dare go wandering around these dreams when he doesn't know where he'll end up, or if he'll be able to get back.

So he's left to watch, not daring to get too close, lest he interfere (he learned his lesson on that a long time ago) but still trying to crane his neck to see exactly what it is she's so steadfastly writing. There's an emotional push behind it, but not the kind he'd expect from someone just writing in their diary about how their day went.

She looks tired. ]

What are you even writing...?

[ He says it more to himself, partially muttered under his breath, as though he's asking himself, or like he's trying to puzzle out a scene in a movie. ]

[scholiast]

(Lucretia is deep in thought while she writes, but not so much that John's little mutter doesn't register to her. She glances up, then jerks as she notices somebody standing there, instantly pulling her journal against her chest to hide the writing– but it isn't one of the other crew members. This is deeply confusing within itself. She stares at him, startled, and then her gaze slides to the door of her quarters, which is decidedly shut. How had he come in here without her realising it?

She opens her mouth, shuts it again. Opens it for a third time.)

Who– what are you doing here?

(This planet is inhabited, isn't it? Honestly, she's been cooped up in the Starblaster ever since they placed the relics, so she's a little unfamiliar with what lays outside of it.)

[heirlift]

[ Ah. He's been caught. Well, this is a pickle. But... this probably isn't real, right? He's still pretty positive that he remembers going to sleep, and so long as this isn't reality, hopefully there's not a lot of harm he can do.

Hopefully.

And if there is, well. He's already done it... ]

Uh. Hi there! I'm... lost? [ He doesn't sound sure of it himself, but it's the first thing he can come up with. ]

[scholiast]

You're lost?

(She sounds disbelieving as she hugs the journal defensively to herself. Her things are still spread out around her in a wide circle and she hurries to flip some of the journal covers over to stop him from seeing, but he isn't trying to look at her books. He does look lost, staring around at her room as if wondering how he got there.)

How did you get on the ship?