riverviewlogs | (open) like i was never there

Entry tags:

(open) like i was never there

who: lucretia & you!
what: october memory share event
when: 9/10 to 23/10
where: all over
warnings: n/a yet, will update if things get intense

OPEN MEMORIES:

(these memories are all open for anybody to experience! if you'd like them to be shared flick me a message/just reply and we can sort it all out as we go haha. also feel free to text lucretia to let her know you saw one of her memories if u like and we can do it that way too :-) basically i am down for whatever way you wanna interpret these! if you'd like a specific memory or something a little more personal on lucretia's end feel free to hit me up on plurk at blisters and we can sort something out! ♡ )

#1 - beyond the oceansize, i'm unaware (first or third person: happy, relaxed)

(This memory starts out with the bright sun, high in the sky, and slowly unfolds to reveal a tropical scene set out before the viewer, complete with crystal clear ocean, and white, sandy beaches. This is the first Captain Davenport appointed mental health year Lucretia and her crew experienced, after they were quick to capture the light of creation within a day or so of arriving on this world. They were able to write the rest of this cycle off and spend it relaxing by the beach, cooking for each other, swimming, taking time off from fighting off the apocalypse.

During this particular memory, Lucretia is sitting out on the sands, wearing a big floppy sunhat and sandals. She still has her bathing suit on underneath her shorts, as she's been alternating between swimming and sunbathing all day, and generally having a really good time; now, she's got a big sketchpad propped in her lap, and she's sketching with large, loose gestures, just laying down the base of what is later going to be an elaborate portrait.

The memory meanders along, but follows her careful completion of the painting: when it's done, the portrait sits propped on an easel in her quarters, a dedication to the members of the IPRE. Lucretia's family. She is in the middle, holding her book and slightly hunched. Magnus has his arm about her, a broad grin on his face; Davenport, their Captain, is in the front, looking proud and impressive in his tailored jacket. Lup and Taako are arm in arm, and Lup has her other arm flung around Barry's neck, pulling him in close. Merle looks like he's in mid-laugh, turned to face the twins. They're all in their red robed uniforms, but everybody looks so happy, so relaxed.)

#2 - as we stood tall together: first person (proud, nostalgic)

(The second memory is from a much later cycle, no less important than the first. It takes place at the Legato Conservatory, during the ceremony wherein students of the Conservatory submit various works to the Light of Creation in the hopes they will be accepted so they may be granted access to the mysterious caves grouped about the mountain. The criteria for works selected isn't entirely clear, because, unbeknownst to Lucretia and the rest of the Star Blaster crew, the submissions are reviewed and consumed by Voidfish living in the caves. If the submissions are accepted, the Voidfish choose to broadcast those works to the world at large and everybody in it. The submissions, in this way, become immortalised amongst the people who live there. If the Voidfish does not like the submission, it is erased from memory as if it never existed in the first place, so there's a bit of pressure riding on the whole situation.

Lucretia has just submitted a painting to be reviewed: a detailed depiction of a famous city market square from her hometown. Despite having not seen it in fifty years, the painting is remarkably detailed, lovingly so, and even though she's nervous about presenting it to the Light of Creation, it's clear that she's really proud of the work that she's done.

This memory is tinged with a sad sense of nostalgia for her long gone home planet, though it is swiftly replaced with overwhelming pride and excitement when the Voidfish accepts her work, and promptly broadcasts the painting into the minds of everybody on the planet.)

#3 - oh my friends, i am heavy (third person: anxious, uncertain)

(The final memory is of a different nature entirely.

This memory details Lucretia sitting cross-legged on the floor of her quarters on the Star Blaster and she is surrounded by books. Countless journals lie open on the floor and she is sifting through them with shaking hands, a fresh journal propped open on her lap. She has a quill in her left hand and every so often she pauses to scratch out a new line in accordance with something she's just read.

She is compiling every scrap of information into a final journal, one that she will eventually feed to the ship's Voidfish, causing her crew members to forget everything that had happened to them over the last one hundred years. Picking what to keep and what to erase is difficult. There are a lot of memories to sift through, and not all of them are good. Sometimes she has to pause to collect herself; other times she stops writing so she can laugh, soft and fond.

Lucretia has already been at this for half a week without pause: she is tired, and overwhelmingly anxious. But there is a strong current of determination underneath of it all that keeps her going, despite the difficulty of her task. This memory isn't as exciting or fast-paced as the other two: just a long vignette of her pouring over almost one hundred years worth of words as Lucretia tries to reconcile with herself the magnitude of what she is planning to do.)

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(This memory of the sixty-fifth cycle is the second shared dream she's had in a week. Lucretia can tell that something is wrong straight away. The first clue is the perspective; she is standing on the cold earth and staring at the smoking wreck of the Star Blaster, watching the smoke curl and dance away in the still air. Usually, when she dreams about this she simply relives the experience: it is something else entirely to watch it happen from a third person perspective. It feels new, and she curses this cruelty as she takes a hesitant step backwards from the ship, glancing around her.

The second clue is that Taako is standing a few feet away from her, to her left.

She registers his presence with a horrible wave of dread. No, not this. Anything but this. These are memories she doesn't ever want to share; the only cycle she never wrote down. Despite the knee-jerk reaction to run, to magic herself out of the situation, she knows that escape is impossible. She will have to ride this one out, and try to deal with knowing that Taako is about to see her at her lowest, her most vulnerable. The thought of that deeply scares her for some reason.

She doesn't go to him, simply turns to look at the Starblaster again in silence, her posture rigid and anxious.)

(The memory that Beverly receives is soft, fuzzy about the edges, only half-remembered. It starts off a little hazy at first: just a voice, one of an older woman. She is singing, and slowly her words fade into a light hum.

In the memory, Lucretia, thirteen years old, has her head cushioned on her mother's lap. They are both on the couch in her childhood home, and Lucretia's eyes are closed as her mother runs a hand light across the side of her head, fingers tangling in her daughter's curls. Lucretia is not quite asleep, only planning on resting her eyes. When her mother had bade her to come and sit she hadn't anticipated taking a nap on her, something she hasn't done since she was much, much younger. She still has a book clasped in both her hands, page marked stubbornly with her thumb.

But she's happy. The memory is content, and warm. It's a short and sweet moment that lasts the length of her mother's song, because after that Lucretia accidentally does nod off for a bit; then, it fades out again.)

(First she shares a dream-memory with Taako, so it shouldn't surprise her that the next night Lup is there with her.

This time, thankfully, they're both watching something far less traumatic that her cycle alone play out in front of them. They are following along as Lucretia takes it upon herself to go and check on Merle, Magnus and Taako almost a full year to the date after she had left them behind. It's a strange memory, bittersweet about the edges.

Lucretia glances across and notices Lup standing there, watching; she turns her gaze back towards herself as she makes her way across the beach to where Merle can be seen, sitting out by the water's edge. He looks really content; far more so than he has recently, and like he's been getting a lot of sun. He's sitting in the sand with another dwarf: Hekuba. They're holding hands and clearly chatting amicably, their heads bowed together, but the memory-Lucretia hadn't dared to get any closer from her sneaky spot further up the beach and so any conversation between just sounds like soft mumbling.)

You know, I... I only lead him to half of this, (the real Lucretia says after a moment, addressing Lup even though her fond gaze is still on Merle and Hekuba, a tinge of sadness in her eyes. She misses him, more than she can say.)

I took him to the beach, but he carved this... this little life out for himself. Taako told me he has kids.

Edited 2017-10-10 22:43 (UTC)

[It has been an emotional roller coaster to see all these memories, but this? This is soft, kind. Something she had wanted to know, to see how her dearest family fared after everything had gone down.

Here, she is dream-flesh, blue eyes fond as she watches Merle on the beach with this woman. It's hard to believe that their weed grandpa plant-fucker has little mini-hims, honestly. Yet she hopes Merle has something beautiful like this to come back to after everything.

He's not running, and seeing this, she fully understands why.]

It's beautiful here, Luce. You picked a good spot.

(This memory takes place after Lucretia's cycle alone, and as a result she is looking to learn how to better protect herself. She approaches Merle, their cleric, to ask him for help with a spell: shield of faith. He shows her how to cast it, teaches her the basics- but this is all vaguely glossed over. It is merely the context for the body of the memory, which is of Lucretia slowly committing this spell to memory, practicing it over and over again alone. While she likes the general idea of the spell, it doesn't work exactly to her liking and so after learning the casting method by heart, she starts to tinker with it.

She spends long, frustrating afternoons trying to bend the perimeters of the spell: at first she thinks that the magic just won't let her. There are times she gives up, throwing her wand on the ground in frustration and stalking off, but she always returns to collect it again and give it one more go- just one more- which always stretches into two tries, three, four, five...

Almost all of these attempts are recorded in one of her many journals. The memory culminates in her first real progress: when she casts the spell, her shield shimmers, ripples in the air, and then slowly curves into a half-sphere. It bursts like that and rains a shower of sparks down upon her but Lucretia is overjoyed: she stares at where the shield had disappeared for a beat, and then she jumps, punches the air with a whoop of triumph.

She's so close. She stops briefly to make notes, and the memory fades out as she readies herself to try again.)

Thank you.

(The setting reminded her of the beach planet, and how Merle had been so happy there, so. She did what she could. It's melancholy, to watch Merle sit with his feet in the water. She glances away, over at Lup instead.)

I wanted to find somewhere I hoped he could make a temporary home of, but... well, I suppose it ended up becoming more of a permanent thing, huh.

[ This is very reminiscent of Loki's childhood. Of practicing spells in the dark, even under the bed covers until he got it right. Asgard, after all, did not care for witches and magecraft. Even the Queen, who tried hard to make Loki unique, could not help that shadow that fell over him. A thin smile appears despite himself. ]

You truly love your craft.

[She watches, putting her hands over her eyes when it looks like the two dwarves were about to kiss.

Adorable, but hella gross.]

They made a home for themselves thanks to you.

[She shrugs.]

All in all it was a bad call in general, but at least Maggie and Merle got something good out of it.

[Later struggles aside, that is.]

(Lucretia nods. She remembers this as being a mostly frustrating process but damn if it wasn't absolutely worth it for the successes that followed.

This is just straight up a brag now, but like. Hey, if she's proud of herself for anything it's that modified shield of faith spell.)

I changed the magic. That spell is one hundred percent my own– nobody else has ever cast anything quite like it. It's one of my greatest achievements.

How does it work? Belief and the manipulation of energy around you?

[ It is fascinating to him, the way other people use magic. And . . . freeing to have people to talk to. ]

In a way. The more you practice a spell the more familiar you become with it to a point where sometimes you are able to cast it without having to prepare. It's easier to find the perimeters of what you have to work with and start to nudge them.

(It's quite hard to explain, actually. It's one of those things she just did out of stubbornness, and because the vision she had of what she wanted was clear enough for her to be able to twist the energy into what she wanted it to do.)

(She laughs briefly when Lup hides her face.)

Don't– say it like that. (She isn't used to being thanked for anything, and still isn't sure if she ever should be. Maybe they did get something out of it, that's true, but... well, she didn't give that to them. They took that for themselves out of the mess she made of their lives.

Lucretia is still contemplating this when the scene starts to change. Her head shoots up to catch a last glimpse of Merle and Hekuba before they disappear in a swirl of memory.)

These dreams are so strange.

[ Loki nods. ]

I could always bypass the usual statutes of spellwork. I needed no words or even gestures. I could pull it straight from the source and mold to my will.

[She has to hold on to something good from this voidfish mess no matter how much it had shattered them - and that was these things. This was why Magnus and Merle forgave her, because they had love and happiness.

Lup moves a little closer to Lucretia as the scene changes, and she has to agree with what Lucretia says.]

Way too trippy, honestly.

Is this the god in you speaking?

(She's teasing though: she's always been very interested in his magic.) I wasn't as skilled a wizard at this point in my timeline but this success was what really gave me the confidence to press on with my studies.

Have you...

(But her voice trails away, stuck in her throat as the scene reforms again, dropping them on the outskirts of Raven's Roost.

It's a beautiful day. The sun is high in the sky, and Lucretia spots herself with a little lurch of her stomach. She has her arm carefully linked through Magnus', and she is walking the both of them towards one of the little wooden houses that resides near a cliff's edge, overlooking the vast sea. The pair of them are talking, and this time their conversation is clear, and floats to them on the wind. She is explaining Raven's Roost, and the job opportunity that she's found him.

Standing a good twenty feet away or so, Lucretia finds Lup's hand without looking down between them, taking it to try and stop hers from trembling quite so much.)

[ Loki huffs softly, shaking his head. ]

Perhaps. Though most Asgardians do not practice magic.

[The first thing he feels is a deeply ingrained fear, at seeing the Starblaster in that state, because even if its been more than a decade since the cycles he's still hardwired to worry when something is wrong with the ship. It takes him a second to realize the truth of what's going on; this is a dream and it's Lucretia's, because she's just there.

After watching himself lose Lup all over again, it's a little harder to offer her anything but a glance.]

I guess we're doing this shit, huh?

Yeah, (Lucretia says numbly, and flinches as she hears her own voice ring out sharply over the dismal silence, the ship quietly smouldering in the background.

She's calling for the others, and Lucretia remembers that confusion with crystal clarity, the terror of being unable to find her friends and the strange, stilted hope of there being no bodies. Perhaps they had been flung off the ship. Maybe somebody had teleported, or... or maybe she was the last to wake up and they'd all gone off to try and find some help.

When the younger Lucretia finally appears she looks worse for wear: bloodied and terrified, her hands shaking as she trails a scraped hand along the dented hull of the Starblaster. There is a large tear in the side of it where something had ripped through the metal and for a moment she simply stands and stares at it, clearly shocked.)

[There should be something here, he's pretty sure, he should feel sad or worried or something, but he watches Lucretia fret around the Starblaster and all he can think is this is where it started. If she'd never been through this year, she never would've thought she could pull off her bullshit plan.

Instead of commenting on the scene in front of him, he says:]

The judges are dead, guess it's not quite the same since they'd already gotta fucked up by the Hunger, but they got taken down.

That's good to know.

(It's all too much for Lucretia: the memories, the tension between them left over from something else entirely, the way Taako won't look at her. She's finding it hard to speak. It's an old, familiar panic.

The younger Lucretia looks like she's on the verge of losing what little calm she has left. Slowly, slowly, she forces herself to breathe, hands curling and uncurling at her sides, fingernails pressing into her palms to ward it all off– and then she abruptly heads back into the Starblaster.

And then memory fades out. At first, Lucretia thinks it is over, and she relaxes; but the scene swirls back into focus, two weeks later. Now they're inside the Starblaster and staring at the rip in the hull from the inside out and Lucretia is surrounded by books, the sleeves of her IPRE jacket shoved up her arms as she considers a blow torch with apprehension. Fisher is there in its tank, silently watching. There's a half-eaten apple perched on a copy of Barry's notes on the ship, Davenport's sloppy cursive occasionally intersecting his writings.)

I couldn't find anything else. (She says suddenly, but she doesn't look at Taako.) All that time on the ship and I had no idea how to fly it outside of the basics Davenport taught us at... at the beginning, during the uh, the regulated briefing. Remember? (The VHS tape, the way Davenport had made them take a quiz afterwards, had run them through various emergency scenarios. By the time it had come for Lucretia to put this into actual use, she was trying to rely on information she'd been taught sixty-four years ago.)

Did you have to learn alone?

(That feels very sad to her. Perhaps they don't have any magical colleges in Asgard?)

[ His mother. But thinking about it tightened the ache in his chest. ]

For the most part, yes. It is not a well-regarded field of study.

And yet, you are powerful.

(She watches herself writing in her book as fast as she can, writing with both hands at once so she can get everything down all the faster.)

I had to be. I didn't have much choice in the matter.

[ He would have been left behind. Though, in the end, he still was. ]

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