riverviewlogs | Hold on, hold on...

Entry tags:

Hold on, hold on...

who: Rey and YOU
what: Memory share event
when: Oct 9--Oct 23
where: In her head, in your mind?
warnings: Angst, loneliness, and feels.

One....

NO! Come back!

[The distant sound of an engine roars to life. A small child can see a ship hover above the ground and then take off. She continues to cry, tears streaming down her face being dried by the wind and attracting sand. She's so small, her arm being held back by a creature that's bloated and sweaty looking. He keeps a tight grip on her, saying nothing, letting her cry out into the sky, into the desert heat. She doesn't understand. She doesn't know why she's being left here. There's the faint echo of 'we'll be back for you' that races through her mind, but cannot recall if those words are spoken to her, or something that she's wishing would be said. The young girl, Rey, continues to cry out until her voice is hoarse and the tears have stopped flowing. There's a sense of abandonment, of sadness, and being heartbroken.]

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Two....

Keep going. [It's the only thought that goes through her mind as Rey, older now, a young teenager. Her stomach is growling, demanding she stop for food. There isn't much left, she's calculating in her mind how many portions she has left until they're all gone. She's barely spending any time eating. Her body malnourished, but she keeps going. Her work, their work is about to pay off. Once the ship is brought to Plutt, he'll give them as many portions as he can--they'd have their weight in them! A chance to go to bed with a fully belly and no fear of running out of food. She's excited, not just because of her work, but because she has friends. The other scavengers, Devi, and Strunk, are her friends. They have been working together to get the ship in order...

One more bolt to tighten. One last check of all the systems. It's fine. The ship is repaired and Rey takes in a deep breath, a smile tugging at her lips. Yes. She can do this. She takes control of the ship, guiding it off the sands and towards Niima Outpost. Once they fly in, Plutt will see them. He'll see the ship can be sold for more money and he can give them food.

At least, that's the plan. It doesn't take long for the trio to reach their destination. Strunk and Devi convince Rey to go down to Plutt to barter. She agrees to it, hungry, but determined. Rey is too blinded by new found friendship to see through their deceit. The moment she steps off the ship, the winds pick up and the other two scavengers take off with her ship. Rey can only watch, looking on in horror, embarrassment, and anger. They used her. They didn't want friendship...they didn't want her...

A pawn was what she was. She willingly let herself become one, and now? Now she has to work twice as hard. She'll have to eat less and hope what she finds tomorrow will be enough for even half a portion. All that hard work...for nothing. ]

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Three...

[It's a more recent memory. Rey coming back from a day's work of scavenging, picking apart old ships for anything useful that could be turned in for a meal. She gets off her speeder, taking off her goggles and treks towards an old abandoned AT-AT walker. She crawls into the small port that acts as the entrance. There is a series of marks, tallies along the rusted wall. Dozens, hundreds, even thousands of marks. A way for Rey to keep track of how many days she's been there. The inside of the old vehicle is turned into a small home, a small plant on a shelf and some portion packets set off to the side. Enough food to keep her full for the night, but she doesn't eat it. No, she has to safe it. The winds have picked up, and chances were a storm would come to pass.

There's no one to talk to except a small doll of a Resistance fighter she made when she was younger. She doesn't talk to it often, but it's the only company she has. Her stomach growls, wanting more food, but she forces herself to ignore it. Just a little of food then sleep..maybe she'll have a pleasant dream this time.]

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Four...

[A vision. The Force calling out to Rey until she touches a lightsaber that brings so many images, of people she has never seen before, of things that haven't come to pass--or at least she believes hasn't happened. It's confusing, disorienting. The scenes only last a handful of moments until they switch. When all is said and done, she stubles back from a creature in a black mask, landing on her rear, and she's back in the basement of a castle.

Her heart is racing. Every nerve is exposed and her feelings all over the place. She's afraid, confused, and wants nothing to do with what she saw. No. It was a mistake to leave Jakku. She's come this far to get BB-8 to the Resistance. Han, Chewie...they can take BB-8 back. They can do it, she...she needs to head back. She needs to wait on Jakku for a family that--No. They're coming for her. One day...one day they would.]

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[the walkers are full of resources. he's not surprised they were cleaned out so much as surprised hers was in such good shape. what a clever child, to find and keep it all for herself. the context of a ship graveyard adds more backdrop to her being a scavenger.]

[cassian doesn't miss the way her posture shifts when he tells her he's seen more. the tension in her hands, the frown on her face. he can't say he blames her. he knows he'd shut down if someone told him the same thing.]

[his voice adopts a slightly softer volume, but it isn't anything pitying. just quieter, an attempt to be respectful.] I saw you as a small child. I think it was when you first arrived on Jakku. It was only a vision, and it did not last long.

[Rey ducks her head a little, hearing the memory he saw of her. That memory is painful for her, and it seems to be the one that others manage to see. He doesn't pity her. His tone conveys that much, something she is grateful for.]

Was that all?

[She asks in even measure, lifting her head up to look at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Did he see any memories of the Resistance? The First Order? There were plenty of memories that she wanted to keep under wraps.]

[maybe it's not as terrible as he thought, which begs the question of what else she's seen that he could have chanced witnessing. she's studying him for a reaction, so he makes sure to keep himself calm and collected.]

Yes, that's all. I did not realize it was you when I first saw it, but in conjecture with this - [he gives the smallest tilt of his head towards the area around them.] - it only made sense.

[a beat.] We don't have to talk about it. But I suppose now I know what Unkar Plutt looks like.

[He only saw her memories of when she first came to Jakku, and her life there. Nothing else. He didn't see the First Order, or...see her at her lowest. When she was alone at night, crying for someone to come for her....she hadn't done anything like that since she was a young girl, or on nights when she was so frustrated with everything around. Good.

She takes a deep breath, letting the air fill her body then slowly releases it.]

I...try not to think about those days. [Because it doesn't help her. It only brings up painful emotions and it's something she needs to put behind her.

Of all the things to say to her, telling her that he saw Unkar Plutt actually makes a faint smile come across her face.] Can you tell he's an ass? [Because he was. Some days were better than others, but he...wasn't her favorite person.]

We can talk about it...it doesn't change much. It's part of me...and it's apparently something this place likes to share.

I can tell he was a lot more than just an ass. [there are certain things you just know by looking at a person, and while unkar plutt may be the sort of person who's good for intel, cassian can tell he's far from a good person.]

There is a lot about my own childhood I do not like to think about either. I think that's quite normal. [especially when you are essentially orphaned so young.] Do you know how old you were?

[There was a faint nod of her head. Yes, he was more of an ass, but there wasn't a need to go on further with that. He was the person who controlled her life. How much her hard work would amount to. If she would starve or have one morsel.

She doesn't ask about his childhood, but its something they have in common. They don't like to think about their past...]

...I can't remember. [Maybe 6, maybe younger. Maybe older...] I tallied the walls to keep track of the days. [And he could see there were a lot of marks. A way to keep track of the time. A visible way to show how long she's been waiting.] But..I'm not there anymore. Don't have to go back.

Edited 2017-11-04 02:26 (UTC)

[cassian has seen many different unkar plutt's in his life. they really don't need to go on about what that sort of person might have done to rey's life.]

[he looks up at the tallies when she mentions them, taking the opportunity to get a better sense of how many. they go on for quite a while, impossible to know for sure without sitting down and counting each one. years worth. the glimpse of her as a child suggested an age range, but like the tallies it was hard to pinpoint. there are a lot of orphans in the galaxy.]

Where are you now then? [a beat.] Or where were you before the Quarantine, would be the better question.

[ There’s a pause from Rey, debating if she should tell him where she was going and why. There was only one person who knew what she possessed and why it was important for her to leave Quarantine. The question was...could she trust Cassian? They were from the same world, and he was part of the Rebellion. A good man...

But then she may have to delve into the topic of the First Order...]

I was heading to Ahch-To. I was sent to look for someone, and I won’t have that chance now.

[he gives her all the time she needs. it's her dream, her memories, he's just an intruder. cassian is definitely curious, but he doesn't want to manipulate his way to answers here.]

They do say we're allowed to leave if wanted, as soon as that option is stabilized at least. I would not give up that chance entirely.

But what's the price?

[There is always a price to pay for such things. If given the opportunity to go back, she would want it, but she would be wary of it. They already made a mistake in bringing her here when she wasn't meant to be here or at least that's her opinion of it.]

Besides, would they even guarantee I would be brought back to the exact moment I was taken? Or at another time point? [So many variables to take into account.]

Even a set price can be challenged. [so says the master manipulator. but he does sympathize, because there is rarely an easy trade off for this sort of thing.]

There are a lot of end results, yes, but it does not mean you cannot analyze all of them and decide what is best for you. There are too many hypotheticals now to make such a choice for the future.

You know the option exists in some form. That is a reason to not give up yet.

Doesn't mean it'll be honored. [Considering what she's witnessed, a deal can easily be broken.] Deals, like promises, can be broken.

There are many options, many possibilities, but it doesn't mean it'll be a reality.. [Though, he has a point, the options exists...that meant she couldn't give up hope. Hope was what helped her survive, helped her get this far.]

No...I won't give up, I'm just...it's hard not to analyze each possibility and still be wary of it, you know?

There is nothing wrong with that. It's smart to have that wariness. You can hold on to the chance while still being cautious.

[practicality with a tiny bit of hope is basically cassian's specialty.]

Besides, it sounds like that mentality has served you well on Jakku even before now.

[A nod of her head, at least he agrees with her. Having blind optimism doesn't help in a lot of situations. Nothing in this world, regardless of what universe or galaxy, is free. Everything has a price.]

Yeah...it has. I mean, it had to. What other options were there?

[Aside from starving to death... Really, it was either that or keep working, keep going and if she wanted to be reunited with her family, she had to somehow stay alive.]

Even in an easier universe, with other paths, to me it would always the safest option.

[even here, he's always thinking about caution no matter how much he'd like to believe in a second chance. to really acknowledge that, he supposes he'd have to come to real terms with his death first.]

My parents have not been in my life for a long time. I understand a little of what it is like, to grapple with these things from childhood.

[So...he understands then. Not having parents in one's life, someone to help them. Guide them.]

Did they leave you too?

[It might be out of line for her to ask, but she can't help it. Someone else who would understand what it was like to be abandoned. Someone else she could connect with..]

[there's a pause, while he considers how he wants to answer. rey doesn't mean ill by it, and orphans of war aren't exactly rare.]

In a sense. They have been dead for a long time.

[he doesn't sound very sad about it. it's a fact. they've been dead since the clone wars.]

Mine probably are too.

[It was a hard truth for her to swallow, especially while she was in Maz's presence. She kept that idea as far away from her as possible. She had to keep going, she couldn't give up. She gave herself a goal, to wait until her family came back for her. She had to let that go in order to move forward...it doesn't make it any less painful.]

If I didn't have a belief that my family would come back for me..don't know if I would've joined one group or another, or if I would've survived. [But now isn't a time to wonder about what-ifs. Now it's about surviving this stupid place and trying to find a way back.]

Children will do all sorts of things to keep themselves alive, especially in a galaxy like ours.

[even without a war, there are always going to be unsafe planets. there are always going to be orphans.]

If I was not sure my parents were dead, I would have held onto that belief the same as you. I can't say I blame you.

[There was a nod of her head. Children had an ability to adapt to nearly anything. Prime examples being her and Cassian. Both of them were part of a galaxy that hadn't known peace for years, decades. He was part of a war, and she was just joining one.]

It had been in the back of my mind, but I pushed it aside time and time again. It wasn't until I had to leave Jakku that, it all came to the forefront.

[That no one was coming back, and that her place was elsewhere. She drew in a long, controlled breath.]

There's no point in dwelling on it. Not anymore.

[cassian's ability to adapt is almost too hypercompetent, except when it comes to his own emotions. survival, yes, that's easy.]

There is a difference between dwelling and remembering, I think. [cassian doesn't like to dwell on his parents, on his history as a child soldier. but he has a hard time forgetting it. doesn't even think he'd want to. but he tries not to let it hold him back.] It makes sense for you to have wondered. To always wonder.

[The thing is, she didn't really think of her past. She remembers it, remembers living it, but she never dwelled on it until this stupid event came up. What makes her wonder more than anything is that memory of being left behind. She had forgotten about it for so many years...to have it come to the forefront is haunting...and unnerving.]

It won't ever go away.. [She admits softly, knowing that to be the case. To always wonder, to always remember. In time, she'll find a way to make peace with it. Just not while everyone and anyone can see her memories.

The dream around them starts to fade, clearly one of them is waking up.]

A lot of the past does not.

[he doesn't have much more time to expound though, recognizing the way the dream is fading. it's him, he thinks, he's the one pulling himself awake. maybe it's some internal warning feeling like he's been intruding too long, or maybe it's just internal clock. his sleep has always been flighty.]

But what you do is up to you, not me. Hopefully the next time I see you is in person.

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Hold on, hold on...

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