riverviewlogs | [open] cast an illusion

Entry tags:

[open] cast an illusion

who: cisco + anyone!
what: memory share event & catch-all
when: october
where: anywhere
warnings: murder, torture, bullying

MEMORIES

Feel free to either have your character text Cisco (or comment on this post but indicate a text message) about having a vision / dream of his past, or to come to where he is to discuss it.

A. MURDER {third person dream OR first person vision}

[watch here

This memory is both intensely traumatic and one that Cisco has relived many many times. Have fun with it if you want, there may be small distortions - sometimes Cisco seems to remember Eobard's demeanor being gleeful, even smiling as he kills him. There may be odd gaps here and there, as well as inconsistencies. Or you can play it totally straight, just as it happened.]

B. VIBING {first person; vision}

[watch here (memory lasts up 'til 2:30)

This memory is likely to come across in jumbled pieces at first, and then more clearly as the week progresses. What's most important is that this memory captures the subjective experience of vibing from Cisco's perspective. So at one moment the memory is of looking down at a microscope slide of sand, feeling intense unease and fear, to hands reaching out and touching the sand. Once that contact is established, there is a swooping feeling, like missing a step going down stairs or plummeting on a roller coaster, and then the world goes static-y, with strange flashes of light, blurred vision, and an eerie blue tint. The warehouse that Cisco sees feels intensely present, though sounds are a bit muffled and occasionally there are jumps and starts. The end of the vision is as jarring as the start, and afterwards there is the confrontation with Stein, and a palpable feeling of panic over being interrupted and witnessed.]

C. PRISONER {first person; vision}

[watch here

This memory is clear and vivid, accompanied by feelings of hunger, exhaustion, frustration. Feel free to supplement after the cutoff at the end of the scene a moment where Cisco begs that he's already made them weapons (the heat, cold, and gold guns) and that's enough, and also Snart threatening to just out and out kill Dante, both of which are confirmed to happen but aren't shown in the clip I linked.]

D. BABY NERD PT 1 {third person; dream}

[ Cisco can't be older than nine or so, and he's adorable. We're talking a criminally cute child. His hair is cut short, which makes his ears stick out a little, and there's a tooth missing his bottom row of teeth. He's small for his age, (looks even smaller because he's wearing what are clearly hand-me-down clothes), all round-cheeked and bright-eyed. He comes bounding up to a bench in what looks like a small neighborhood park. Sitting on the bench is a pretty brunette girl with a high ponytail and big earrings, and a boy that looks a little like Cisco, around five years older. Cisco, bubbly and excited, asks: ]

Hey Val, hey Dante, do you wanna see what I made?

[ Dante, who has a hand very obviously and purposefully perched on Val's knee, glares absolute daggers at his little brother, but before he can say anything she answers with genuine interest: ]

Yeah, totally.

[ Cisco beams and pulls the lid off the shoebox. Inside is rather ugly-looking device, clearly cobbled together with materials from a bunch of different things. But Cisco pulls it out carefully as if it's the most precious thing on earth and holds it up, explaining in a delighted rush, what it is and how he made it. He has apparently cobbled together pieces from a broken cell phone, an old malfunctioning digital camera, and a half-smashed mp3 player, into a frankenstein'd device that can take pictures, make phone calls, and play music, too. Val sits up as he explains, going from indulgent to this kid with his little doodad to genuinely excited. Cisco hands it over to her and she tests it out, taking a photo of the beaming Cisco, clicking a number code onto the pad which makes 'I Could Fall In Love' by Selena play (though only loud enough that she has to hold the thing to her ear like a phone to hear it). Then, she even uses it as a phone, calling her mom, exclaiming that it really works, and hanging up again. ]

Cisco, this is so cool.

[ She jumps to her feet, saying that she's got to go get her best friend from the corner store across the street to bring her to see it, too, and goes rushing off. Cisco just stands there, holding the thing and beaming like he's never been more proud of himself in his entire life. ]

E. BABY NERD PT 2 {third person; dream}

[ (Continued from the last one, for anyone who wants an angst component)

As this scene was happening with Val, Dante was getting more and more visibly annoyed, trying to redirect attention back to himself. As soon as she leaves Dante snatches the device from Cisco, turning it over once or twice, unimpressed. Cisco's face falls, shifting from joy to trepidation, like he knows something bad is going to happen. Dante doesn't disappoint; he tosses the thing in the air and then catches it as it falls. Cisco pleads: ]

Dante, don't!

[ Which, of course, only seems to encourage the older boy. Dante throws it into the air, higher this time, and catches it, but Cisco winces, clearly terrified that he'll drop it. He tries to grab it away from his older brother, but Dante gets to his feet, holding it above his head. ]

Come on, don't be such a fucking girl, I'm not gonna drop it.

[ He tosses it into the air with enough momentum to it goes behind him and he has to spin to catch it. Cisco keeps pleading with him to quit it, trying to wrestle it away from Dante, who only laughs. It's inevitable, what happens eventually. Dante hurls the thing much too high, and it's hard to say, whether he was really trying to catch it or not. Either way, it slips between his hands and crashes onto the asphalt, shattering into about a dozen pieces. Cisco scrambles to pick up all the pieces, but the lens from the camera has shattered and the casing is cracked. ]

Oops.

[ Dante shrugs, sounds absolutely unapologetic. Cisco starts sniffling, fighting back tears as he tries to fit the thing back together. He starts putting the pieces back into the shoebox, wiping tears from his cheeks as they start to fall but saying nothing, not even looking at his brother. Dante, for his part, says scornfully: ]

Seriously, Cisco, it was an accident. You gotta stop being such a sissy all the time. It doesn't look good.

[ Then he walks off in the direction that Val had gone without another word, leaving Cisco to clean up the rest of the mess. ]

OR hit me up on plurk to plot something else!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[It's been a good week, Eddie's made a lot of collars, and his reward was a half-day today. After everything that's been going on, all the shared memories and ghosts and trauma, he's decided he wants to do something nice, so he's in the midst of making a nice dinner to surprise Cisco and Yuri with when his boyfriend comes home. Prepping onions, mushrooms, and other veggies, roasting potatoes, getting ready to grill some steaks in the pan.

As he's turning to greet Cisco, it becomes immediately obvious that Cisco isn't in a great place - instead of asking why Eddie's home and talking about his day, he comes in and drops his keys, flops into a kitchen chair, drops his head in his arms. Furrowing his brows, Eddie turns off the burner he's using, pulls the pan off the heat, and heads over to the table.

Gently but firmly, he presses his hand against Cisco's shoulder and squeezes.]

Hey. You okay?

[ Cisco nods yes, but he does it without raising his head more than an inch, and it is accompanied by a long, rather heavy sigh. Then he shrugs, because that was obviously not even going to convince a blind person who had never met him before. He says, voice a little muffled from his cheek being pressed against his forearm. ]

I'm not really okay. But I'm not stop-cooking not-okay. Promise

[ He wants to prove that's true, so he musters up the energy to sit up straight, knitting his hands together in his lap and nodding to Eddie that he can go back to what he was doing before. Cisco waits for Eddie to return to it before he volunteers: ]

Been kind of a weird day. Taako had a vision of one of my memories.

[ No need to explain what that means; they're both well aware of the situation, by now, and all its potential complications and emotional turmoil. ]

You sure?

[Eddie frowns a bit as he looks down at his boyfriend, still squeezing at his shoulder, but Cisco doesn't give in and explain, he just continues to promise he's okay enough that Eddie doesn't have to stop cooking and tend to him. Reluctantly, Eddie goes back into the kitchen and turns on the stove, pushing the onions around half-heartedly while he glances back at Cisco.

When he finally speaks, Eddie takes a deep breath, holds it for a second, and nods while he lets it out, slow and even.]

Not something fun, I imagine?

Not great, no.

[ Cisco's not entirely sure why, but right now, at this second, it's easier for him to say all this if Eddie doesn't just drop everything and focus all his attention on him. Of course, he's not under any illusions; he knows that more of Eddie's focus is on him right now than on the food he's cooking. But at the very least, it makes Cisco not feel like he's wasting Eddie's time so entirely when he lapses into silence for a minute or two, trying to think what to say. If he should say anything at all. It might be better for Eddie, if he didn't. But then, he thinks, Eddie wouldn't appreciate someone else making that decision for him. In the end, Cisco starts tentatively: ]

I... while he and I were talking about it, it occurred to me that I don't think... um, it's one you know about.

[ He starts chewing at a fingernail - a bad habit, but not one that he is going to bother to worry about for the moment. Not when he's aware of how much harder this conversation is about to get, for Eddie. Cisco almost chickens out, waves it off as nothing, for fear of bringing up anything bad for Eddie. But in the end he continues: ]

It was right around when you were, y'know. Kidnapped. Earlier that night, actually. You remember what we were working on, at all?

[Eddie makes a noise of acknowledgement and encouragement when Cisco says that it wasn't great. Turning a little, he glances at his boyfriend, but then continues to work on dinner, picking up one of the raw steaks and dropping it in the pan. It sizzles while Cisco ruminates, and Eddie prods it around the pan with a fork, coating it in oil and drippings from the mushrooms and onions.

When Cisco speaks, Eddie glances back at him again, licking his lips nervously, because of the way Cisco is talking about it, chewing his nail, looking nervous while saying it's something Eddie doesn't know about. For a moment, it sets off alarm bells in his head, he wonders what it could be that he doesn't know that makes Cisco so obviously nervous.

And then Cisco says when the memory happened, and Eddie understands the anxiety. Exhaling roughly, he nods.]

Yeah. I'd just come back from asking Joe for his blessing to propose to Iris, and he didn't give it to me. Then we met up with you and Barry to talk about the time travel thing. That was when you told me you'd vibed...you know. What Eobard did.

[A pause, as he tries to remember the details of the night, brows furrowing. He'd been so angry at Joe, so frustrated and hurt over the rejection, that he barely remembers the other stuff that was going on.]

You guys wanted to...to set up a trap to trick Eobard into admitting he killed Barry's mom, right?

Edited 2017-10-15 05:00 (UTC)

[ It had been the right call, asking Eddie how much he remembered, rather than just diving in and explaining without any context. Considering everything that had happened before and after (Cisco had forgotten, that that was the day Joe had refused his blessing - he'd been so caught up in his own problems), it's good to make sure they have all the facts established.

He heaves another sigh, staring down at the countertop as he chooses his words. ]

Yeah. We... none of us got what was going at the time, but we found a way to make it so I could vibe and be able to talk at the same time. So I, y'know. Vibed, and walked Joe and Caitlin and Barry through what was happening, step by step. And they realized that before... he killed me, he'd talked to me a little, and said something about murdering Barry's mom. So Barry, uh, he- um.

[ Cisco had made it up until this point in a relatively neutral tone of voice. But as soon as he gets to this bit, there's a sudden hoarseness, the words coming out so choked that he has to pause. Cisco swallows, leaning back against the chair and crossing his arms tightly over his chest, an obvious tell that he doesn't even realize. ]

So Barry thought if we recreated the conditions, as closely as we could, that Dr. Wells would confess, and he could record it. I... agreed to it, and I made an anti-speedster barrier that I thought was gonna keep me safe, this time. But, um. Dr. Wells had cameras everywhere, so he heard us plotting the whole thing. He sent Hannibal Bates in, disguised as him. So- so when he got to the barrier, he just stepped right through it.

[ Cisco shivers, a tiny thing, just remembering the shock and utter helplessness he had felt in that moment. He'd been trusting to that barrier; it had been the only reason he agreed to the entire enterprise. ]

The- the bit that Taako saw, was, um. Joe saw him come through the barrier and start um. Start... coming at me, lifting his hand up like- like he was gonna...

[ He can hear his own narration of the events growing more jagged, and emotional, but Cisco's attempts to reign himself in are all failing. The best he can do is just get through it. ]

And he thought I was gonna die. I mean. I thought I was gonna die. It- it looked like I was gonna die. But he... he hadn't confessed, yet. Not enough to be used in court. So... when Joe fired... Barry um. He ran over and caught the bullets. He got two of them, but he wasn't fast enough for the third, and- it killed Hannibal.

[While Cisco speaks, Eddie keeps an eye on the steak, flips it over onto the other side, watching the red juices run into the pan while it cooks, not looking at Cisco because he doesn't want to interrupt him, make him uncomfortable, make him break down. But it's hard, listening without looking at Cisco too directly, without focusing on him intently, the way he usually does.

Eddie pays close attention, though, to the words, to the memories they elicit about that day, how he'd felt, what he'd seen from Cisco - how he'd mentioned Eobard shredding his heart with a super-speeding hand, how nervous he'd looked, the jolt of anxiety and concern Eddie had felt when he heard that. And just like Cisco is trying to keep his voice neutral, calm, Eddie is trying to suppress his emotional response to what Cisco is saying, explaining. That they'd recreated the conditions of Cisco's death in that alternate timeline to trick Eobard into admitting to murdering Barry's mom, that Cisco had only thought he was safe because of an anti-speedster barrier he'd created, that he'd seen Hannibal Bates in the form of Eobard step right through it.

Taking a few deep breaths, he holds them before releasing them, trying to suppress the anger that's building up. That shouldn't have happened, what were they thinking? How could Barry and Joe and Caitlin think it was okay to put Cisco in that position, to risk his life, for what? An admission of guilt they could record? Eddie can feel himself shaking slightly, his jaw tight, his shoulders going tense as he thinks about it, about how very much the ends had not in any way justified the means in that situation.

And then Cisco keeps speaking, his voice going a little broken, more staccato, more emotional, more rough as he explains about Joe shooting Hannibal when it looked like 'Eobard' was about to kill Cisco again, and Barry catching the bullets, trying to stop them from killing Hannibal, who he hadn't known wasn't Eobard, because he hadn't confessed.

After Cisco finishes speaking, Eddie stands still, staring down at the steak, his whole body trembling, his arms clenched, his hands white-knuckled as they hold the edge of the stove. Then, he reaches down and turns off the burner, moves the pan with the steak off the heat, and turns, looking at Cisco, finally. The anger is obvious on his face, written all over his features, as he looks at Cisco, but none of it is directed at Cisco.]

Barry did that?

[ There's a certain relief, in how easily Eddie identifies the source of Cisco's distress. How even without Cisco indicating what it was that's got him so upset about this particular memory, Eddie knows. And from the look of him - Cisco glances up, sees the set jaw, the hard and intent look in Eddie's eyes, the slight flush on his cheeks - he's angry as hell. That makes Cisco's throat go so tight that he can't speak, at first. He just nods, eyes suddenly going hot with tears. He'd almost cried, earlier, when he had spoken to Taako. But he'd held onto his control, hadn't shed more than one or two tears. But now it feels like that hurricane inside him hadn't died down as much as he'd thought, and it's going to burst free, sooner or later.

Cisco swallows, shrugging a tiny shrug as he stares down at the hands knitted in his lap. ]

This is gonna sound stupid but I - didn't realize it, until today. What he did. I mean, I was there. I... saw it all happen, but the only thing that stuck was, I was so sure th-that I was gonna die, again, and I didn't. I was so relieved, and then about a minute later Dr. Wells took you, and I didn't have time to think about it. I had to start looking for you, and figuring out how to take down all the cameras, and how we were going to beat him when we found him. There was just- there was no time. So I shoved it all down deep in the back of my brain.

[ Cisco sets his elbows on the table, burying his face in his hand, hair falling forward to shield him still further. He's shaking, just a little, but keeps going: ]

And then today, Taako said he'd seen it, and he wanted me to explain what Barry had been thinking, and I- I really thought about it, for the first time. I realized - that Joe had tried to save me, and... and Barry had. Tried to stop him.

[Eddie's jaw is tight and he can see the reaction Cisco has to it, the way he looks suddenly overwhelmed, the way his eyes go red-rimmed and wet and he stares down at his hands in his lap like he's trying to hold back an entire flood of emotions and tears and grief and fear, barely managing to restrain it. Eddie holds back his own flood of emotion, hangs onto the anger, because he doesn't want to add to Cisco's stress, to make this about himself when this is something that Cisco is trying to come to terms with.

But it's hard to hold back the anger, the fury at what Barry did and how it's affecting Cisco and how long it took to affect Cisco because of how terrible the situation was, when Cisco is explaining in that slightly broken voice, calling himself stupid for being so shaken and grateful just to be alive that it didn't register what Barry had done. There are so many levels of painful wrongness there that Eddie can barely restrain the surge of emotions it builds up in him. He wishes he could go back home just so he could punch Barry again, wishes that Barry would show up here so Eddie could yell at him, shout at him, make it clear to him how wrong it was to do what he did.

But Barry isn't here, and his anger won't do Cisco any good, so he keeps holding it back. Tries to smooth out his brows and relax his jaw and make himself safe for Cisco to talk to.]

That's not stupid, Cisco. You were in a really terrible place. Barry...Barry shouldn't have put you in that place. Shouldn't have risked your life for the off-chance that Eobard might incriminate himself. It was stupid and callous and unfair and awful of him. I can't believe he would manipulate you into something like that, into...into being in a situation where so happy you hadn't been killed that you wouldn't notice he'd almost gotten you killed...and...and stopping the bullets...that's just...

[Eddie takes a sharp breath.]

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be angry, none of it is at you, I just...if he were here, I'd...how could he do that to you?

[ There are defenses Cisco could make for Barry, and he comes this close to making them. After his initial reflexive paranoia that Barry had been just the same as Eobard, Cisco had backed down, started thinking about all the ways it was just a misunderstanding. Barry hadn't manipulated him intentionally - he's almost positive of that. He hadn't been thinking straight, which is something Cisco can relate to, when it comes to Eobard Thawne. He might have believed he could stop the bullets and still be close enough to save Cisco's life - it might be a question of arrogance, not indifference.

But all those words wither and turn sour in his throat, unspoken. There is something so definite about Eddie's obvious fury. So simple. No room for worrying about how Cisco had encouraged all this, how he'd been complicit or deserving of it. Just Eddie, enraged, because Barry had put Cisco in danger and then failed to protect him.

And then Eddie is apologizing, asking how could he do that to you, and it's the same question Cisco has been asking himself all afternoon. How could he? How could Barry ask him to do this thing, see him in imminent danger, and still prioritize something else? If it had been some random civilian they were using as bait, Cisco thinks Barry wouldn't have hesitated to save hem, first. But not him.

He gives a little shake of his head, shrugging. A tiny, awful laugh spills from his lips, and that's when Cisco realizes he isn't gonna make it. The dam is breaking, now. ]

I don't know.

[ The words are only barely audible, hoarse and whispered as a few tears spill down his cheeks. Cisco sniffs, wiping them away with the heel of his palm, but two more follow, and more. It's all still there, freshly unearthed in his memory. Dr. Wells's face - or at least, he thought it was his face - so close, looming over him smiling. The gunshots. Hannibal on the ground, shifting back. Barry's grief and outrage at Joe, his utter, complete indifference to Cisco. ]

He didn't- he d-didn't even ask if I was okay.

[ Strange, how that one detail sticks in Cisco's heart like a shard of glass. Joe - practical, wonderful Joe - had been concerned with the danger, making sure whoever he had killed didn't pose any more threat. Barry had been concerned only with the confession he didn't get. It hadn't been until Caitlin came down all the way from the cortex that any of them had checked on him.

Cisco's face is scrunched up with sadness and he sniffs wetly, chokes out miserably: ]

I'm sorry Eddie I'm- I think I'm s-stop cooking not-okay, now.

Edited 2017-10-15 13:20 (UTC)

[It's a good thing that Cisco doesn't make those defenses of Barry, that he doesn't argue for Barry, because Eddie doesn't believe there are any defenses. No matter how much Barry had wanted to clear his father's name, no matter how important the trap had felt, there is no way Eddie will or could ever believe that putting Cisco's life in danger could possibly be worth it, let alone actively trying to stop Joe from saving him by shooting what looked like Eobard. Even before he'd been in a relationship with Cisco, that would've been unacceptable, made him put his foot down and call Barry on his shit. Now that he is dating Cisco, it puts him past righteous indignation and anger straight into blinding protective fury that he's only holding back for Cisco's sake.

And he isn't blinded enough by it to not notice how Cisco is crumpling, how his eyes are going red and wet, how he's licking his lips and shrugging and making that sick little laugh and saying he doesn't know how Barry could do that to him, that Barry hadn't asked if he was okay, and even before Cisco says that he's stop-cooking not-okay now, Eddie was turning the pan off and setting it aside, and the moment Cisco finishes speaking, his voice choked, his eyes wet, his nose wrinkled and lips pursed with grief and hurt, Eddie is walking over to the table.

Standing beside Cisco, he draws his boyfriend in against him, strokes his hair, pushing it back behind his ear.]

It's okay, you don't have to apologize. It wasn't okay, what Barry did. It wasn't okay for him to make you relive that memory, it wasn't okay for him to put you in that trap, it was unforgivable for him to try to stop Joe from saving your life. It's okay to cry about that. I'm just...I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know, I'm sorry I didn't realize and stop him, I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you.

[What had Barry been thinking? In what world was that okay? Eddie's never felt like Barry was less than a hero, despite their occasional personal differences, mostly about Iris. But this? This is putting some serious doubt in his mind.]

That's not how friends should act, and it's not how heroes should act.

[His voice is tight with anger and disappointment and protectiveness.]

[ Cisco hears every word that Eddie says, but he can't bring himself to answer them. It does some good to hear it, though. For Eddie to be angry on his behalf, to state so categorically and so unflinchingly that what Barry had done was wrong, and that Cisco deserved better. He's never been all that good, at being angry on his own behalf, particularly not at people he cares about. He managed it, for Dr. Wells, but for anything less than murder, it's a struggle. Cisco is too inclined to forgive, to think the best of his friend's motives.

He buries his face against Eddie's chest and lets himself cry. It doesn't last too long - just a brief burst of emotion, intense but quick. Then Cisco is pulling back, wiping at his cheeks with his sleeves and murmuring: ]

It was just... kinda messed up.

[ Hardly the most ringing condemnation, but from Cisco, who so rarely criticizes his friend's choices, it seems harsher. He looks up at Eddie, with his red-rimmed and too-bright eyes, and says: ]

You don't gotta apologize. I couldn't protect you back then, either. And... you keep me safe, now.

[ He swallows, gaze dropping, voice still raspy with tears as he explains: ]

When he told me about it earlier - I told Taako that out of everybody in the multiverse, I know... I know you'd never do anything like that, to me.

[Eddie lets Cisco cry it out, face buried against his chest and upper belly, his arms around Cisco's shoulders, his fingers in his hair, stroking it while Cisco lets out the emotion he has pent up. It's short and intense and Eddie closes his eyes, grieving along with his boyfriend while he holds him.

When Cisco pulls back and wipes at his face with his sleeves, admits that it's kinda messed up but nothing else, Eddie sighs a bit. Lifting his hand, he gently wipes at Cisco's cheeks, pulls back strands of his hair.]

It's more than kinda messed up, Cisco. It was wrong of him.

[The last thing he wants to do, though, is start an argument or make Cisco feel like he has to defend his friend, because that's a position Eddie doesn't want to put Cisco in, not when he's feeling like this. So he just keeps touching Cisco's face while he explains he doesn't have to apologize and that Cisco couldn't protect him either.]

You keep me safe here, too, in so many ways. We're even, then. I promise, I'm gonna keep doing it.

[He trails off, feeling a little prickling of embarrassment or something else when Cisco mentions Taako and what he'd told him. It's awkward, a little, but at the same time, the fact that Cisco would say that about him makes a warm bubble rise in his chest.]

I wouldn't. I would never. Protecting you, making sure you're safe, is the most important thing to me. You know that, right?

[ Cisco hesitates, just a moment, but then he nods. He might not quite be at the place yet where he can say the words himself, but he can at least do this. Can acknowledge that he hears Eddie, that some part of him agrees. He doesn't think Barry is a selfish person, but he can concede that in this case, he'd made a selfish decision.

Cisco's eyes flutter closed, some tears caught in his eyelashes, and he leans his face into those small, delicate touches. His head is pounding and his breaths are still shuddery and uneven, but he feels better, now. He doesn't pick up on that embarrassment, or pride from Eddie. To Cisco, there's nothing exceptional about what he'd said. It is merely the truth. Of everyone, he knows that Eddie is the least likely to ever hurt him.

But when Eddie said protecting him is the most important thing to him, Cisco sucks in a little gasp. It's one thing to know Eddie would prioritize him over others, but it's another entirely to hear him say that keeping Cisco safe is the most important. ]

I- I guess I do, now.

[ Swallowing thickly, Cisco opens his eyes, looking up at Eddie, expression simultaneously grave and soft. ]

You know it's the same for me, right? That- that I would do anything to keep you safe, and I'd never ever betray you? Not for Taako, or Caitlin, or Barry, or- or anybody.

[ A memory drifts to the forefront of his mind, then, unbidden and a little hazy. He and Eddie had talked a lot when he got high, and he seems to remember Eddie saying something about caring for Cisco more, about not being able to even imagine Cisco cared just as much. He's pretty sure he hadn't had enough neurons firing right then to answer. But now, he can. ]

You said before- you said you have a hard time believing I care about you as much as you care about me. But I do, Eddie. I haven't got any... proof I can show you, to make you believe me. But it's the truth. Making you smile... helping you when stuff's bad... looking after you... it's the most important for me, too.

[It's something, the fact that Cisco nods, hesitation or not, acknowledges what Eddie is saying even if he doesn't cleanly agree. Eddie's goal was never to turn Cisco against Barry, only to help him realize that he deserved to be treated better than he was treated, in this situation. Maybe, if he understands that and acknowledges it, to some extent, he might start to understand and accept that he has value. Even if he doesn't internalize the amount of value that Eddie sees in him, even a little is something, important.

And then Cisco is sucking in that surprised little breath, and Eddie thinks that maybe he's shown Cisco that in a different way than he intended to. He hadn't realized it wasn't obvious, that he'd do anything to keep Cisco safe, that Cisco is his top priority, that he'd sacrifice whatever was necessary, do whatever was necessary, to keep Cisco from danger, both physical and psychological.

The way Cisco looks up at him when he says that it's the same for him, that he'd do anything to keep him safe and never betray him, is more valuable to Eddie than anything else in his life that he can think of. It's this, he thinks, that he would give up anything for, again, without a second thought.]

I think...I think I knew, but thank you, for telling me.

[For a second, his voice chokes off, and he lifts his hands, cupping at Cisco's jaw, holding his face between them, eyes on his face. Cisco looks beautiful like this, sad, with his dark eyes wide and liquid and somehow both sad and hopeful at the same time. Overwhelmed. Eddie leans in to gently kiss Cisco's forehead and cheeks, his mouth, lingering for a moment before Cisco speaks, voice quiet. And Eddie listens, captivated, as Cisco reminds him of what he'd said when he'd been babysitting his boyfriend while he was high. That he had a hard time believing that Cisco could care about him as much as he cares about Cisco.

Smiling slightly, he tilts his head, hand still against Cisco's cheek, eyes on his face, and he swallows hard.]

I believe you. You don't have to...to prove anything to me. I mean, you've proven how much you care in so many different ways, Cisco Ramon. You've done all those things for me, you've protected me, you've taken care of me, you've made me laugh and smile and helped me when I was down and vulnerable and crying and...I think my life would be a lot worse without you. Okay?

Okay.

[ Cisco pulls Eddie down for one more kiss, and as he pulls away from it, he is smiling. It is a small smile, but there's warmth behind it. That awful weight that's been sitting in the pit of his stomach ever since Taako texted is gone, and Cisco feels light, and... okay, if not quite all the way to happy just yet. ]

My life would be wayyyy worse without you.

[ He huffs out a very small laugh at that, reaching out impulsively to hug Eddie tightly around the middle. Then, in a far more normal voice than he's spoken in since he came in the door, he asks: ]

Can I help with dinner? And how come you're home so early, anyway?

[ All the things he ought to have said - would have said - if he'd come in the door on an average day. Because that's the small miracle that Eddie can somehow perform, time and again: he is so good at holding down a hand, when Cisco is in the darkness, and pulling him back up into the light, to the point where he almost feels like a regular, whole, carefree person again. ]

[Knowing and really believing are different things - consciously, Eddie knows and is aware that Cisco cares about him a lot, probably as much as he cares about Cisco, and it isn't that he disbelieves what Cisco is saying. It's just hard to absorb, hard to really conceptualize as part of his life after spending so long caring more about other people than they cared about him. His parents, Iris, most of his friends, Taako, and the list goes on; it's hard to truly understand that Cisco means it, that the way Eddie feels about him is the same way Cisco feels about Eddie.

But he does understand that Cisco means it when he says that his life would be way worse without him, he does understand the way something in Cisco lightens and softens and gets warmer in response to Eddie and what he says and does. So Eddie hugs him back, arms wrapped around his shoulders, one hand sliding up into his hair as his eyes sink shut and he hums softly, a content sound.

When Cisco moves on from the topic at hand, Eddie lets him, though he doesn't let go of it himself, not entirely. He knows that even if Cisco is moving past it, it'll be sitting in the back of his mind gnawing just a little, even if it's gnawing a little less hard than it would've been if he hadn't talked to Eddie.]

If you want to help me cut up some of the vegetables to go with the steaks, that'd be really great. I like cooking with you.

[Eddie offers a little smile, lifting his hand and stroking back Cisco's hair behind his ear, holding his gaze.]

I like doing everything with you. You're so, so great.

[ There are times, when Eddie is looking right at him, with his blue eyes warm and all crinkly at the corners, when Cisco can't quite believe what he's seeing is real. That anyone could look at him with that much happiness, and warmth, and affection. Sometimes that disbelief comes with a dash of fear - how long, until Eddie doesn't look at him like that anymore, until he realizes that Cisco does not deserve it? Sometimes it comes with hope - that maybe this time, things are going to be really, truly different. That Eddie is going to break this vicious cycle he's found himself in, where every time something seems to be good, fate comes along to ruin it.

Cisco can't help but smile back at Eddie, nodding and saying, with growing cheerfulness: ]

I'll cut as many vegetables you want, baby. I'll even eat some of 'em, too.

[ It's an old joke, well-worn at the edges and familiar - that Cisco doesn't eat enough healthy food, and that Eddie is always trying to concoct new ways to convince him to do it. It feels safe, and comfortable, and good. And so does settling in to the kitchen, slicing carrots as Eddie goes back to sautéing.

He is more glad than ever, as the two of them cook quietly together (at some point Eddie switches on a radio, and Cisco hums along to a few of the songs), that he came here. He and Eddie have talked about how Eddie got a second chance to live, here. But Cisco thinks that maybe it's his second chance, too. ]

I like doing everything with you, too.

[To Eddie, it simply isn't a matter of deserving. While he certainly applies standards to what he perceives as his own entitlement to affection, to love, to being wanted and desirable, it wouldn't cross his mind to think of those standards applying to anyone else. Eddie loves easily and often unconditionally, and enjoys it. He doesn't foresee thinking Cisco doesn't deserve to be looked at the way he's looking at him now. He doesn't think Cisco needs to do anything to 'earn' his affection.

All of the things Eddie likes about Cisco are part of who he is - his intelligence and wit and kindness and generosity and loyalty and heroism - all of those are things that, in Eddie's mind, just aren't going to go anywhere. They're also things he's always valued, that he won't just stop valuing. They're the traits that made tiny Eddie Thawne get crushes on movie characters or classmates, that drew him to help out on Team Flash in the first place.

So when Cisco says he might even eat some of the vegetables, Eddie isn't thinking about how his affection and desire might fade eventually, he isn't worrying about whether he'll continue to be attracted to Cisco, he's just amused and pleased at the joking banter between them. Flattered at Cisco's assertion that he likes doing everything with Eddie too.]

Mmmm, well, in that case we should definitely cook and eat vegetables together as often as possible.

[Eddie flips the steaks again, glances over at Cisco for a few long moments, then shakes his head.]

You know, I'm really amazed by you Cisco Ramon. Like, all of the stuff that you are, is really amazing to me. You're this bright, beautiful, intelligent, funny person. I'm just...really glad this happened. You and me.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[open] cast an illusion

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